Labour Pains My Family

GUNSHOTS FROM TV Michael, what the hell is going on?

I can hear gunshots, sirens and agonised screams.

How is this possible?

Your mother's not home yet.

Sorry, it's my new game. I'll turn it down.

Oh, don't let me put you out(!)

As you're in a house you don't live in, playing on a TV you don't own,

can I offer you a drink you didn't actually pay for(?)

No, thanks. Scott and I are in the middle of a game.

-Scott's not here, Mikey.

-He's playing this same game over at our place.

-Yeah?

-We wanted to try multi-player so I bought another copy and brought it here.

-That's his avatar right there.

-Oh, my...that is...

What's an avatar?

It's his virtual self. So we can interact without being in the same room.

I must get your mother one of those.

Hell Squad Seven.

It's the most realistic war simulation game ever.

They did six years of research capturing every part of military and combat life.

The detail is amazing.

EXPLOSION

The screen just went white. What does that mean, you're dead?

I was busted for oversleeping and now I'm cleaning toilets.

War is hell, son. War is hell.

Mind you, you should try marriage.

Hmm?

MOUTHS

DOOR SLAMS In 25 years of dentistry, 25 years,

that has to be the worst day ever!

Do you know what Cavitex has got us doing now?

Do you know what they've got us doing?

Time cards. Yes, time cards.

It's all right, I already have a glass of wine.

They're not for you.

Silly me(!)

Yep, every minute of the day has to be accounted for.

They've even limited our toilet breaks to 20 minutes.

What takes you longer than 20 minutes?

That's beside the point. I like doing the crossword.

Max's Magic Pickle?

That's a bit heavy going for you, isn't it?

For your information, your wife is about to appear on TV.

HE GASPS Crimewatch?

Not yet. Children's presenter.

-HE GASPS No!

-Mmm!

-Yeah?

I've been reading books to children at the library.

One of the mothers heard me. Turns out she's a TV producer and she...

No! How much does it pay?

-Can I tell the story my way, please?

-Yep, sorry, fine. Carry on.

Thank you. Thank you.

-So she spotted my natural talent...

-Yeah.

..and said I would be a perfect host for her new kids breakfast show.

How much does it pay?

-I don't know and I don't care.

-No, sorry.

I'll have my own dressing room, free travel and a puppet sidekick,

which after living with you for 30 years should be a doddle.

But how much does it...? Never mind. Look, look,

if this job of yours makes us rich, I can kiss those Cavitex cretins goodbye.

It's no fun when you think the world is against you -

-it's worse hearing you whingeing.

-It's not just me, it's all the dentists!

They can't stand Cavitex and their slimeball-in-chief, Mr Griffith.

Can we skip moaning and get to the part where you do nothing about it?

A-ha! For your information, Susan, I have organised a meeting of the South East representatives.

We'll meet tomorrow to discuss what action we should take.

-You really take your toilet breaks seriously.

-Oh, yeah!

Now, I don't know about you lot,

but this is affecting my life very negatively.

I can't sleep, I can't eat.

This is impacting on me and my entire family.

We've established you're not happy about the toilet breaks.

I'm glad to see representatives throughout the greater London area.

I myself will be representing Hounslow.

What am I doing, Ben?

Who wants coffee?

The real strength of this organisation

lies in the individual dentists.

And assembled in this room are the best and the brightest.

< Ow, ow, ow! Hot, hot, hot, hot!

Technically, he's not in the room.

Individually, we're just cogs in a corporate machine,

but together, friends, we represent real power.

The kind of power that makes a corporation like Cavitex tremble.

< THUMPING

This is the thin end of the wedge, only the beginning.

What next? Cutting overtime, slashing holidays?

We are being squeezed like a tube of toothpaste.

-ROGER CHUCKLES

-That's very clever because we are dentists and we use toothpaste.

We're not going to stand for it any more, are we?

ALL: No!

We're with you, Ben! We're not doormats that can be stepped on!

-Shut up, Roger.

-Sorry, yes.

-It's time for action, friends.

Tonight the executive board is meeting and I suggest we crash it

and demand better treatment or we'll go on strike!

ALL: Yeah! Yes!

-We're sick and tired of being pushed around.

-Yes!

-Sorry, I thought we'd all be shouting then.

-So it's all agreed.

Tonight we crash that meeting and take the suits to the cleaners!

ALL: Yeah! PHONE RINGS

And that is very funny too because you DO take suits to the cleaners.

Sorry about this. Hello? Mr Griffith.

ALL SIGH

Oh, really, you want to see me today?

Oh, I'm afraid I'm...er... I'm very busy. You'll have to wait.

Yeah, of course, yes, I'll...er... I'll just check my diary.

Yeah, I can be with you right away.

But I demand to know what it's all about.

OK, yeah, sure. You can tell me when I get there. Be fine, yeah.

I'll see you in an hour.

No, no, ten minutes? OK. Bye, Mr Griffith.

Yeah, I'm very sorry but I'm not going to take this lying down.

No, none of us are... We are all together!

Yeah. Goodbye, sir.

You know, Ben, I can't wait to see you negotiate tonight.

I have got the feeling that he is a natural!

Roger, you've either got it or you haven't.

Sorry, gotta rush.

And Max packed up his magic pickle.

He knew it would be ready if the world ever needed it again.

The end.

Incredible. That was absolutely incredible, Susan.

Thank you, Darci, thank you!

We were hanging on every word, weren't we, Barry?

SQUEAKY VOICE: Hello!

Oh, hello. Who's this?

I'm Dickens the Chimp. Knock knock.

Er, who's there?

Bananas.

Bananas who?

Who cares? It's bananas! Let's eat 'em! Yum yum yum!

Susan, this is Barry. He'll play Dickens the Chimp on the show.

Oh, nice to meet you, Barry.

SQUEAKY VOICE: Nice to meet you, too.

Oh, you're still in character.

No, I'm me now...

Oh.

-We just need a moment, Barry.

-OK, Darci.

-I have a doctor's appointment. Can I leave early?

-Sure.

I'm excited to start work. When's my first episode due to record?

Unfortunately, it's not that simple. There's another candidate.

One of the mums from my son's school was reading and she was pretty good.

Here she is now! Susan, meet...

-Janey?

-Mum?

Oh, so you two know each other?

Oh, she's my daughter.

Oh. Right, so at least someone in the family will be on TV!

You mean it's between me or my mum?

Yes, but being family means there won't be any hard feelings.

Mr Griffith?

Hello, Ben.

So...I, er, I take it you've, um, heard about our plans?

-About what?

-What?

-What?

-What?

Ben, I called you in to offer you a promotion.

We have an opening for a senior personnel executive.

I don't think so. Excuse me.

No, Ben, please, just hear me out.

We at head office have been keeping an eye on you.

And you, sir, are a diamond in the rough.

What? Me?

You're not only the best dentist we have,

but you also have the qualities that set you aside as a leader.

Really?

You have the power not only to lead, but to inspire.

Your potential is limitless. Need I say more?

Can't hurt.

This will be your office.

This will be your desk.

Sit down, Ben.

No.

-Oh...

-Try it out!

Oh, really, um... No, I...

You look pretty good behind that desk.

It feels pretty good.

-You've worked hard for this, Ben.

-Yeah, I have.

-You deserve it.

-I do.

The only thing that's missing is a photograph of your family.

Or not.

So what do you say, Ben?

Hmmmm, I'm just not sure.

Well, your salary will triple.

You get your own private bathroom, company car, extended holidays...

I see.

What's this?

Your pencil sharpener.

Ooh.

So, what do you say, Ben?

-Well...

-Excellent!

Welcome to the Cavitex family.

I thought I was already a member of the family?

Yeah, I suppose.

Now take the rest of the day off, go and do some shopping.

After all, that clothing allowance won't spend itself.

-I'll introduce you to the rest of the team at tonight's board meeting.

-Ah, that's a very funny thing

because I-I was supposed to crash that board meeting tonight with a list of the dentists' demands.

Oh? And what demands do they have, then?

We... Do you know, they've suddenly slipped my mind.

Don't touch me.

RAPID GUNFIRE FROM COMPUTER GAME

Mikey! Mikey, Mikey, Mikey!

Hey, Dad.

Mikey, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey!

Hey, Dad.

Mikey, Mikey, Mikey!

Something on your mind, Dad?

Well, as you won't let it drop...

you are looking at the new head of Human Resources for the Cavitex Corporation.

Don't take this the wrong way, but why you of all people?

Because Mr Griffith wanted a man not only to lead, but to inspire.

Why didn't he hire that person?

Look out, Mikey, sniper.

So are you and Scott still in the thick of battle?

Actually, no, we broke up.

Really? How are you taking it, all right?

Fine. I shot him in the back of the head.

In the game?

-Yeah.

-Oh, thank God...

FRONT DOOR CLOSES Hey hey! Ho ho!

-So? How'd it go at the TV studio, Mum?

-Well, it was...

-Oh, that's how it is, is it?

When it's the tinsel and glitter of a puppet show you're all ears,

but when your father becomes a corporate bigwig, you can't be bothered.

-What's he talking about?

-Cavitex made Dad Head of Human Resources.

Really? But he has no resources and he's barely human.

I know, he's useless.

I'm still standing here, you know.

Or at least I was.

So, your audition went well?

Very well, very well, Michael. I'm one of two finalists.

Yeah, Janey dropped by and told me all about it.

Sounds like all the ingredients of a classic mother-daughter cat fight.

Michael, please. Janey and I are beyond such things.

We'll support each other in every way.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Yes, yes, this is Susan Harper.

Oh, you want to move my audition?

Just let me get a pen, so it's Friday instead of Thursday.

That's right, Susan. And don't be late. You wouldn't want to miss out because of a scheduling cock-up.

-Janey...

-Not now, Mum, I'm on the phone.

-Janey!

Got to go.

Well, if that's the calibre of your performance, I'll sail through.

-Like you could do better.

-I could. I could.

I've been reading to kids for years.

I read to Kenzo all the time.

Clothing catalogues don't count.

Forgive me for wanting my son to know the difference between a V and crew neck jumper.

All right, then. Why do you think you deserve this so much?

Because I'm good with kids.

Oh, yeah, right(!) So, where is your own son right now?

That's not the point. What makes YOU think you deserve it?

Because I have a soothing voice

and a calm persona that kids find REALLY RELAXING!

What are you two shouting about?

There he is!

Nice touch. You look really powerful.

Thank you, Roger.

Er, could you all please take your seats?

So, Ben...

-THEY MOUTH:

-What are you doing?

-I tried to call you.

And they all lived happily ever after. The end.

Well? What do you think?

I like the monkey.

It's not the real one. I just have it there to capture the mood.

-Monkeys are funny.

-But how do you think I read the story?

Maybe if I had a bit more ice cream...

I've already given you three bowls

and the most constructive thing you've said is, "Monkeys are funny."

It's going to take a lot more than that to get bowl number four.

OK, your eyes are darting, your page turns are way too loud

and that non-stop smile -

it's really creeping me out.

Do I stop there or do you want more help?

And now I'd like to introduce our new head of Human Resources, Mr Ben Harper.

-BOOING

-Shame, shame!

May I just say,

we have some genuine grievances we would like to see addressed.

We're not going to lie down and let you lot ride roughshod over...

Please, please, please, Jonathan.

In Ben's absence, I would like to handle this.

You have a list of our demands.

I would respectfully encourage you to take them seriously.

If you don't, we will walk. So, please...

kindly give us what we want.

Please. ..Thank you.

What? What's the matter?

Well, I'm unsure how to handle his excessively polite demands.

Yes... Look, leave him to me. I'll-I'll handle this.

Are you sure, Ben? A few hours ago, these people were your friends.

Sure, but then you people gave me a shed load of money.

Come on, try and keep up.

Tick-tock, people. Either meet our demands or we strike.

That's pretty big talk coming from a man who sleeps with a teddy bear.

That's not true.

Oh, no. Two teddy bears now, isn't it?

Mr Teddy recently got hitched, yes, but that's irrelevant.

We're here to demand satisfaction. So what's it going to be?

Yes, or no.

THE ANSWER IS NO! NO! NO! NO!

If you don't like it, go on strike! And if you go on strike, we'll lock you out! OK?

Go on, go on, go on, on your bikes!

Get out, good riddance! Go on, out!

Out!

What? Well, I'm head of Human Resources, aren't I?

Can you believe that little ingrate, Janey?

Roger's pathetic demands are an insult.

Competing against her own mother for a job.

They're getting more than they deserve already.

I've given that girl everything, and can she give me this one thing? No!

If those proles think this strike will work, they're mad.

Trying to trick me into showing up late.

I think we should just hire scabs and let them take over.

It's like she's become a different person.

Actually, no, it's typical Janey.

I mean, it's dentistry, not rocket science.

I'm not letting her waltz in, wiggle her bottom

and snatch away something that's rightfully mine. I can't.

-BOTH:

-I won't.

Do you know, I'm really glad we can still talk like this, you know.

Yeah, me too.

SCRAPING >

Su...

Roger? What the hell are you doing?

Oh...hello, Ben.

I was, er, just out for a stroll...

and I needed to jot down a few thoughts.

In spray paint? On my door?

Oh, I'm sorry, Ben.

-They sent me over here to vandalise your house.

-They what?

We just don't understand why you betrayed us!

Oh, Roger, Roger, Roger...

I can't believe you haven't figured it out yet.

-I haven't betrayed you.

-You haven't?

-No.

Come on, I took this job to win their trust,

so I could report everything back to you guys, you know?

I mean, eh, I can do more damage from the inside.

-That makes a lot of sense.

-I'm telling you.

You are a true friend, Ben.

Come on, Rog, let's go in the kitchen, have a cup of cocoa

and tell me all the strategies you dentists have planned.

Like a fish in a barrel.

OK, let's get started then, shall we? Um, unfortunately,

Barry the puppeteer has damaged his vocal cords doing his Dickens.

Well, that's not surprising. That voice is such a departure for him.

I thought, just for fun, you two could take turns playing Dickens

while the other reads a story. Is that OK?

-Fine.

-No problem.

-Right, OK.

I'll leave you to it then. Good luck.

Ready, guys? >

And action! >

Hello, children. Today, Dickens and I are going to read the story

Pancho the Field Mouse.

It's pronounced Poncho.

Thank you, Dickens.

Just trying not to make you look stupid.

OK, that'll be lunch.

KNOCK AT DOOR

-How's it going, Ben?

-Good, just keeping on top of things.

-Well, you're doing a great job. Keep it up.

-Thank you.

Oh...while I'm here...

..I understand that you and Roger Bailey had a little chat last night.

Any interesting information come out of that?

Actually, it did, yes. But I think I'd better be honest with you,

I'm not entirely happy with this position...

How do you mean?

Well, when I, when I accepted this post,

I, um, thought I had something to offer, you know?

Something more meaningful.

And if you think I'm going to sit around all day,

twiddling my thumbs, cashing cheques and acting as your mole,

you don't know the real Ben Harper.

I'll give you a £20,000 a year raise.

It's a picket line, Thursday 10am, 100 people, financially they can't make it past next Tuesday

and I'm going to need more pencils. Oh, and, er, a pen.

Excellent work, Ben. Let's discuss the details over a drink.

Drink? At this time of the morning, good God!

It's only half past ten.

You have so much to learn about executive life!

Don't touch me.

And...action.

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.

Once upon a time there was a man named Mr Giggles.

Mr Giggles loved to giggle. He giggled in the morning.

He giggled in the afternoon. He giggled in the eve...

Glad somebody's having a good time.

But Mr Giggles could never forget the one day he didn't giggle.

DICKENS SNIFFS

That was the day...

Pooey!

That was the day Mr Giggles broke his spine in three places.

It doesn't say that.

Oh, yes, it does. Right here.

Ow!

Don't interrupt!

Mr Giggles awoke to find that his heater had broken. This...

Sorry. Just grooming.

I'll groom you, you little...

-Ow, my neck!

-You're this close to me performing animal experimentation.

-Don't take it out on the monkey!

-I wasn't talking about the monkey.

When I'm finished with you, you'll be sucking bananas through a straw.

It'd be the best meal you've ever made!

-You're not too old to go over my knee!

-Oh, try it, Grandma!

So which one of us got it?

In light of our inability to reach an agreement,

the dentists' union will return to work

under the terms dictated by Cavitex.

Excellent, Roger. I couldn't have put it better myself.

You gave me this to read.

Yes, so I did. Let's make it nice and official, shall we?

Yes, of course, sir. I have the relevant paperwork here

if you'd like to hand that around.

One for you lot. There.

And of course, for you, sir, if you would just sign here...

Oh, yes. ..And here.

Ben Harper, whatever friendship we once shared is well and truly over.

Oh, stop it, Roger, I can't keep taking the good news.

Well done, Ben. By breaching their original contract,

these dentists have forfeited their bonus, their holiday pay and their built-in salary increase.

Perfect ending to the perfect day.

Before you go, I have some news for you.

My pencils have arrived?

Not quite, no. You're sacked.

Your position has been eliminated.

What? But you can't sack me, I'm head of Human Resources.

You can sack yourself if you like, the result will be the same.

But you can't throw me back to the dental dogs.

Look at them. They'll eat me alive.

Weird, huh?

Well, that's it, is it?

You give 48 hours of your life to a company and this is how you're treated?

Fine. All right, I'm going.

I shall go back to my office and collect my thing.

Before I go, sir,

can I draw your attention to the contract you've all just signed.

Particularly clause 13, subsection Z?

What are you talking about?

Well, as head of Human Resources, I thought we'd get back to basics.

-We're a dental company, right?

-Right...

As such, dental surgery should be our main priority.

So all those qualified to perform dentistry, raise your hands. Good.

And all those not qualified to perform dental surgery, raise yours.

Now use those hands to wave.

Goodbye. You're sacked.

What are you talking about?

I got bored sharpening pencils, so I spent some time adjusting the contracts.

-You're joking.

-Little tip.

Never sign a contract without reading the small print

-and never call a late-night phone-in using your wife's credit card.

-What?

That's a...thing for me.

OK guys, come on, let's hit the bar.

Ben, you can't do this. This'll finish all of us.

Weird, huh?

-Ben!

-Don't touch me.

Hey, Mikey! How's it going, boy?

Dad, this has been such an amazing day! I was out walking

when these five guys came out of nowhere and jumped on top of me.

What you do in your spare time, Mikey, is your own business.

In the game, Dad. I thought I was a dead man.

But then Scott burst in, blew them away

and had us both airlifted to safety!

And all without a single scratch on my character's health points!

-Mikey, this guy Scott's a keeper!

-I know.

What a loser.

Hey!

How's my favourite executive?

Great! I got sacked.

You don't seem overly bothered.

No, I got my old job back. And I got Griffith to sign a contract

agreeing to new benefits, more money and extended toilet breaks.

-How much more?

-Ten minutes. I get to play sudoku as well.

I was talking about the money but, hey, well done!

Well, I have a surprise for you too. Janey got the TV job.

-No!

-I have the disk of her first show right here.

Well, you don't seem overly worried about it?

Well, I'm proud of her. She had an easy way out

but instead she fought hard for it. Literally.

-Good for her.

-Uh huh.

She showed real spirit and, you know what, in the end,

I think she got everything she deserved.

Hello, children. Are you ready for another story, Dickens?

I sure am, Barry. Today's story is Mr Giggle's Very Bad Day.

Where's Janey?

She's the monkey.

Monkeys are funny.