Accusin' Susan My Family

Staring at your phone won't make it ring.

Trust me, I've been doing it for years.

Your father sent me another text.

Oh, well. Better luck next time.

He's hasn't quite got the hang of texting yet.

There are a lot of Russian letters in every message.

I'm impressed he didn't take the remote by mistake.

How long is he at that conference for?

-A week.

-Are you OK with that?

Well, I had hoped they could stretch it out to a fortnight.

PHONE BEEPS

Oh, no not again! This is really frustrating.

Well, this one makes no sense at all.

-What does it say?

-"I miss u."

He's even used a little "u". Look.

What's that supposed to mean?

Maybe he misses you?

Don't be ridiculous!

Maybe his phone's been stolen.

Or he's been kidnapped!

PHONE BEEPS

Oh, he's got the predictive text wrong. He meant to say "I miss TV."

Well, that's a relief.

Isn't this nice?

A professional mother and daughter having a working lunch together.

-How mature.

-What a minger!

Mum, she has seriously let herself go.

Darling, that's Peter Stringfellow.

Hi, Susan.

-Hi, Chris.

-I'm just dropping off those sales figures.

-You might want to keep an eye out - Katie's on the prowl.

-Thanks, Chris.

Mum. Hello? Mum, who is that?

He started here last week.

Ooh, potential romantic interest in the workplace, Mum?

Janey, please. I'm a happily married...

I'm a married woman, and a professional and prefer to be seen as such.

That is why I keep my personal and work life separate.

And that is why, madam, you should really consider investing in some art.

I have met your daughter before, Susan.

Oh, thank God! I thought I was going to have to buy some art.

-Sorry, I was getting back to work.

-Relax, you're allowed a lunch break.

It should have finished five minutes ago.

Time flies when you're having flan.

I know it's fruit salad, but it didn't sound so...

-hilarious.

-I need to talk to you about the new exhibition.

-Ah, did you like my display?

-No.

-Oh.

It has no flow, poor structure, a shambolic layout.

Ah, yes, that's what I was aiming for.

When you've finished not having flan, maybe you could redo the entire thing?

-But that'll take hours.

-You can have all night to get it done if you like.

-How generous of you!

-Chris can give you a hand.

Maybe he'll have a better take on it.

It wouldn't be hard.

Ciao.

Ciao.

-DOOR CLOSES

-Cow.

Result! You get to spend all night with Chris, the hot new guy.

Yes, lucky me(!) I don't get nearly enough unpaid overtime.

You're welcome to stick around and help out.

Oh, sure, why not?

And by "help out", I mean hang paintings, not pout seductively for Chris's benefit.

Bye.

Hey, Kenzo, how was your day?

-Rubbish.

-You know, just cos Grandad's away, you don't have to fill in for him.

We got our report cards at school, and mine sucks.

Oh, well. Looks like I'm still the clever one in the family.

Not that I need that to define who I am.

Hang on, these are all A's, you little...

..clever man.

No, I got a C for Art.

My teacher marked me down because he doesn't like me.

I'm sure that's not true.

Yes, it is. Mr Tilley's mean.

Mr Tilley?

He was MY art teacher.

He never liked me and gave me rubbish marks.

I bet he's got it in for you cos he hated me.

And all because I pulled a few pranks on him.

I thought you were good in school.

I was.

But there's a little part of me that hates being criticised, and lashes out at people because of it.

Did you get that from Grandad?

Afraid so.

And Mr Tilley got the brunt of it.

He made me feel like I'd never amount to anything.

Well, you don't have a job.

That's a bit harsh, Kenzo.

You know what? I'm going to give Tilley a piece of my mind.

Tell him to leave you alone.

Well, you've got the time.

It's not like you have to go to work.

Maybe Tilley's got a point about you.

I suppose Katie might be happy if we stick that piece over there.

I know where I'd rather stick it.

I can't believe Katie's making us work this late.

It's easier knowing there's a Chardonnay waiting.

-Yeah, it's a shame it has to wait, really.

-What was that?

Have a glass with me.

-Are you sure about this?

-It's fine.

I've got another bottle in the fridge.

And my husband's away, so I don't have to put anyone to bed when I get home.

So...

how's it looking?

It's good. You've got a real eye for art, Susan.

I could learn a lot from you.

Oh, you!

Yes, you probably could.

It's so easy to get excited by art.

This piece, for instance, is very evocative.

The simplicity of two lines intertwined, creating the image of embracing lovers.

To feel the physical bliss of sexual unity from basic shapes and angles.

It shows the true passion of the imagination, don't you think?

Yes.

Then again, it's just a silly painting.

-Well, you know what? I think I can finish up here on my own.

-Really?

I don't mind...helping out.

Look, Chris, I think we've had a little misunderstanding here.

You're a very handsome man, and if I weren't married,

who knows what could happen... in all aspects of my life.

But I'm rambling now, but the point is I think you should leave.

-Maybe

-I

-should leave.

Yes, yes, that's it. I'll leave.

Well, thanks for the help, colleague.

Oh, here are the keys to lock up. No, no, no. There you are.

There are the keys.

-Let me help you with your coat.

-No, no, no, I can manage. No, it's fine. Know what?

It's a mild evening, I don't really need my coat. Bye.

Still got it.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Morning, Susan.

-Hi, Katie.

-Mind if I pop in?

Well, I'm a bit busy at the moment...

No, please, do take a seat.

How are you?

Concerned. You're smiling.

At me. Why?

No reason. No reason at all.

Oh, there was one tiny little thing.

You've been charged with sexual harassment.

What?! By who?

-Chris.

-Oh, but that's ridiculous!

If anything, he harassed me.

Well, he says that you "plied him with alcohol".

-I gave him a glass of wine.

-You said he was a "very handsome man".

-Yes, well, I did say that.

-And you expressed a wish that you weren't married.

I've done that so many times before it's lost all meaning.

And anyway, he said things to me, too.

-Such as?

-He said...

"Yes." No, no, wait.

He said... he said he didn't mind helping out.

I'm not sure I can reprimand someone for that.

No, but it was the way he said it. All icky.

Susan, this is a very serious matter, but we don't want to make any rash decisions.

Such as believing Chris and dismissing everything I say?

Until we're able to resolve the situation, I think it's better you avoided Chris.

Yes, of course.

What the hell do you think you are playing at?

-Ah, Susan.

-I don't want to hear it.

-I wasn't going to say anything else.

Well, good.

How could you say all those things about me?

My name is all I have,

and it's already spoilt because it's got Harper at the end of it.

Now everyone will think I'm some sort of...sex panther.

-"Sex panther"?

-Well, they might not think that exactly,

but something in the randy cat area.

So do you know what we're going to do?

You and I are going to see Katie and tell her what really happened.

Oh, I'm not sure if I want to do that.

Oh, you don't understand.

We are going to do it.

I don't care if the whole gallery has to hear it,

I'm going to get what I want!

Oh, Katie.

This isn't what you meant by "stay away from Chris", is it?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in.

-Mr Tilley?

-Yes?

-Hi.

You probably don't recognise me.

I've...matured a lot since I was here.

Michael Harper, isn't it?

Yeah.

I was wondering if I could talk to you.

We're both adults now - we should be able to have a conversation on equal footing.

Of course, take a seat.

-The thing is...

-Doing well for yourself, I see.

I assume you're out of work if you're able to make social calls during the day.

-How do you know this isn't my lunch break?

-Is it?

No.

But the thing is...

Is that gum you're chewing?

Erm...yeah.

Out.

Can I speak now?

I don't know, Harper, can you?

MAY I...

Mr Tilley...

..my nephew is a student of yours.

Ah, yes. Kenzo.

And I'd hate to think he may be treated as unfairly as I was.

Unfairly?

As I recall, Harper, you slipped laxatives into my tea,

started the trend of calling me Silly Tilley, and exploded a stink bomb inside my Vauxhall Astra.

I never called you Silly Tilley.

And I may have caused occasional trouble, but I was still a good student.

It's funny you should say that.

When I saw I was teaching Kenzo, I thought I'd look back at your record.

It seems you never handed in your second year art course work.

-I didn't?

-No.

Well, I'd best be off.

Walk, don't run.

Hi, Mum.

How was work?

I was accused of sexual harassment by that new guy, Chris.

Wow!

Good for you, Mum!

So where'd you do it? In the stationery cupboard? Fire escape? On the desk?

None of those. I didn't do it.

Oh. So what did you do?

All I did was offer him a glass of wine, flatter him, and talk passionately about art and...

sexual intimacy.

-It's not sounding good, Mum.

-It isn't, is it? Oh, God. Well, maybe I did harass him.

Well, it's a proud move for feminism.

I might have to explain feminism to you some time.

So what happens now?

Katie's making me attend a course on sexual harassment.

Well, another qualification always helps.

Janey, just to confirm, you do actually believe I'm innocent, don't you?

Of course, Mum. I have total confidence in you.

Hey, what's going on?

Mum jumped a guy at work.

Hello.

Gosh, what a relief!

I thought I'd be the only woman here.

This is silly, isn't it?

A simple misunderstanding and we have to go through all this.

It's political correctness gone mad.

It's nice talking to you, too.

Oh!

You should watch yourself around Ange, she's a gooser.

I'm Patrick.

Sorry, I'm not exactly here to meet people.

This whole thing has been a terrible mistake and perverts like you sicken me. Excuse me.

Right. I am actually the course director.

Oh, my goodness, I am sorry. I'm Susan Harper. Sorry.

No, it's OK. There's nothing to be ashamed of here. This course is completely confidential.

"Confidential" suggests there IS something to be ashamed of.

Maybe you'd like to help me with an opening exercise. Hi, everyone, take a seat, please.

Thank you. Now, to get us started, Susan here has volunteered to take part in an activity

to show that improper communication is unacceptable in the workplace,

be it abusive, sexual, or merely calling someone a sickening pervert.

Susan is going to read out some phrases,

and the group will say whether they're appropriate or inappropriate.

Mrs Harper?

What happened to confidentiality?

Just read the cards.

"Hello, sexy."

-ALL:

-Hello.

Just say "appropriate" or "inappropriate", please.

"Hello, sexy."

-ALL:

-Inappropriate.

"I'm happy to help you."

-ALL:

-Appropriate.

Now, surely that's open to interpretation.

It would be quite different if I said...

-SULTRY:

-"I'm happy to help you".

-ALL:

-Inappropriate.

-See? See?

And it would be perfectly harmless if I said, "You're an attractive man".

-ALL:

-Inappropriate.

This exercise isn't actually about interpretation.

-Well, then, it's a pretty stupid exercise, isn't it?

-ALL:

-Appropriate.

-Oh, shut up, the lot of you!

-ALL:

-Inappropriate.

Perhaps we should just take a small break. Susan, can I have a word, please?

I'm sorry, Patrick.

I know I'm not behaving well, but you have to understand.

I would never associate myself with the kind of people that come to this sort of course.

I just keep thinking what Ben would say.

Ben? Ben Harper?

Why does that name sound familiar?

Never mind.

Have you been avoiding me?

What makes you think that?

Did you speak to Mr Tilley?

To be honest, I've been very busy, Kenzo.

Yeah, right.

He said that you went to see him and ran away like a little boy.

That's rubbish. I ran away like a man!

Look, there's no talking to Tilley.

I think the best thing you can do is just take your C grade and forget about it.

Really?

Yeah, cos otherwise it'll eat away at you day after day,

gnawing at your insides until eventually,

you'll just be so angry that you'll want to take a paintbrush,

shove it down his throat and say, "How do you like that, Tilley? Is that art?!"

I'm sure that won't happen to you.

Hey, how was the course?

Terrible.

The amount of Old Spice wafting through that room...

has given me a migraine.

Well, at least it's all over.

I wish. I've got another four sessions to go. I can't take any more.

I hate to say it, but you'll have to grit your teeth until this whole mess goes away.

-I suppose you're right.

-ANSWERPHONE:

-'One new message'.

'Hello, Susan, Katie here.

'Just heard about your behaviour at the course today.

'I'm afraid you're suspended until further notice. Speak soon, ciao'.

Right, that's it!

I have to talk to Chris and convince him I did nothing wrong.

Are you sure that'll work?

Oh, I can be very persuasive.

I know it shouldn't, but everything you say now sounds really dirty.

Oh, hi.

You all right?

This thing with Kenzo's teacher is bothering me.

-Oh, listen, Mike, I know you didn't sort it out, but I believe you're doing Kenzo a service.

-How?

It's good for kids to be disappointed once in a while.

-Thanks.

-I mean, it's a good life lesson to pin all your hopes on one person and have them let you down.

OK, OK. I get your point.

I have a point?

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, that'll be Chris.

-Chris?

-Yeah, the gallery guy.

Mum's going to convince him to drop the charges.

So Mum's invited the man she harassed around to...

harass him into dropping the harassment charges?

Yep.

And what are you doing?

Oh, I thought I'd hang around and listen in, in case things get frisky.

What is wrong with the women in this family?

-SUSAN:

-Come in, Chris.

Nice to see you again.

Not "nice" nice, platonic nice.

And when I say "see you", I don't mean ogle you.

Right.

Take a seat.

Thank you.

Drink? A soft one. I'm not trying to ply you with anything. I'm being...

appropriate.

-Nuts?

-I'm fine, thank you.

So...

-..how's work?

-Well...

Great, anyway, I was wondering if we might clear up our little misunderstanding.

Obviously, I apologise if anything I said to you

could be misconstrued, although to be honest, I made the mistake of thinking you were flirting with me.

-I was.

-Right, I see. What?

You're a passionate woman, Susan. I like that.

And as for clearing the matter up, there is one very simple solution.

-There is?

-Yes.

Sleep with me.

There's no allegations for me to make if it actually happened.

Right. Um, slightly fuzzy logic there, but I think I get the point.

Would you excuse me a moment?

Janey?

Janey, did you hear that? Janey?!

Hear what?

You're supposed to be a witness.

-Chris just said he would drop the charges if I slept with him.

-Really?

Nice one!

Not "nice one". The man's a sleaze bucket.

Well, you're in luck, because I am an expert in lechy men.

In a situation like this, there are three options.

Bear in mind, I'm NOT going to sleep with him.

OK, two options.

First, tell Katie what happened and hope she believes you this time.

That's unlikely.

She still thinks I stole the stapler from work.

-Did you?

-Yes. No, I borrowed it.

It's a stapler - who cares?

OK, then option two is call his bluff.

He can't be interested in you for anything more than a cheap and weird thrill.

-Thanks for that(!)

-If you make him think you want something serious, he'll change his mind.

-The idea of a relationship with you will scare the life out of him.

-Again, thank you.

-Honestly, Mum, he'll be out of that door so fast, you won't see him for dust. In fact...

-Shut up, Janey.

-Hello.

-Hello.

I've been thinking about your offer in the kitchen, and, er...

I've decided to say yes.

-Great!

-However, we have to be realistic about this.

I'm not a "one night" kind of lady.

If anything were to occur between us, I would need a proper, long-term commitment.

OK.

You do realise I want a proper, monogamous relationship, right?

Yeah, that's totally reasonable.

Right, wonderful.

Of course, I'm married.

Me too.

-So you'd be worried about leaving your wife?

-Meh.

I see.

That would mean we'd both have to move out and find a place together, which is a major commitment.

OK, let's do that.

Seriously?

Excellent.

Why don't we start looking tomorrow, then? I really want to be serious about this.

Sounds good to me.

Brilliant.

Well...

I look forward to us facing up to the crushing reality of a future together.

Me too.

Fabulous.

Yes, Harper?

Hi, me again.

I just thought I'd come back.

Making up for the numerous detentions you avoided?

No, I've got something important to tell you.

What, that you've finally managed to draw a rabbit that doesn't look like a frog?

No, I just...

Oh, come on, boy. Spit it out.

Clarity was never your forte.

It was, actually.

For your information, I swept through my GCSEs and A-levels,

got a first for my degree, and my tutor said my dissertation was one of the best he'd ever read.

-But you're right, I suppose that doesn't compare to a badly-drawn rabbit.

-And your point is?

My point is, I'm sorry I gave you a hard time at school,

but if you'd believed in me for one second, it never would have happened.

But I'm fine now. I'm over it.

The thing that bothers me is you let our history affect Kenzo,

who deserves better than a petty, resentful C grade.

Would you like to see one of Kenzo's paintings?

You've been very generous.

So? How was the flat-hunting?

Well, you know, I was quite surprised at how much we could get for our money.

Oh, and Chris isn't backing down and this is a hideous living hell.

Just keep at it, Mum. Trust me, he has to be on the verge of cracking.

-Just keep calling his bluff.

-I have no more bluffs to call.

I mentioned the idea of a nursery, and he barely batted an eyelid.

At this rate, I'll be leaving your father and moving into a bright, open-plan, second floor flat

in up-and-coming Bromley-by-Bow.

And your problem is?

OK, OK, OK.

We've got one more option, and this will make any man run for the hills.

Make him think you want to get married.

-Wow.

-Smart, huh?

No, no, it's just suddenly dawned on me.

I'm taking advice from YOU.

Seriously, you. What on earth am I doing?

I'm not hearing enthusiasm for the new plan.

Because it's deranged.

Really? OK, then, tell me, how did Dad react when you first mentioned marriage to him?

Oh, it's hard to tell.

He disappeared for a fortnight.

DOORBELL RINGS

What am I doing?

Hello, love of my life.

It's a pleasure to see you, and this time I AM ogling you.

Thanks.

Oh, Chris, I know this has been a crazy, whirlwind affair.

Some might consider it entirely insane...

but I can't help feeling we may be ready to take an even bigger step.

Well, it's funny you should say that.

-It is?

-Yes, because I've been doing some thinking,

and I've got a very important question I'd like to ask you.

Oh, my God.

Susan...

is it OK if we don't go through with our plans?

Oh, what?! Oh, no.

Including sleeping with each other?

Yes.

Oh, what a shame.

What we had was so special.

I suppose that means you'll be dropping those sexual harassment charges.

Of course I will.

Oh.

Well...

it's going to take me a long time to get over this one, I can tell you.

I suppose reality made our love far too impossible.

-Oh, no, that's not why I want to end it.

-Sorry?

-I've met somebody else.

-You what?

I know. It was so unexpected, but I'm just, like, head over heels.

She is the most amazing woman I have ever met.

Well, good for you.

It's just funny. You said the exact same thing to me three days ago.

Yeah, but you've got to understand.

This one - well, she's fun, and she's witty...

You don't think I'm fun? You don't think I'm witty?

-Susan...

-We had a future. We made plans. We looked at apartments!

I know, but we couldn't afford one.

-You haven't even got a job.

-That's your fault!

-Well, technically.

-Not technically - actually!

My God. You know what? Of all the women I've accused of sexual harassment,

-you are by far the most mental.

-"All the women"? What?

That's how I tend to meet people.

-But that's insane!

-Well, it worked on you. We even looked at apartments together.

Get out of here! Go on, get out.

Go back to your wife, your girlfriend or whatever spaceship you came on. Go on, out!

Fine, but before I leave, I want the ring back.

-You didn't give me a ring.

-Oh, sorry, that must have been somebody else!

Yes, darling, I'm back at work now.

Oh, the usual.

A younger man wanted to marry me, have my children and move to Bromley-by-Bow.

What's wrong with Bromley-by-Bow?

Oh, got to go, Katie's here.

Bye, darling.

Thanks for coming back, Susan.

You were right. Chris is insane.

Oh, he tried it on with you, too?

He wanted to look at apartments. I told him I'm not an idiot.

No, of course not.

-So to avoid any further problems, I've decided his replacement should be a woman.

-Oh, very wise, Katie.

Meet your new assistant. Ange?

You two will be working late tonight. Ciao, ciao.

Inappropriate.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Email [email protected]