Accusin' Susan My Family


Accusin' Susan

Sitcom. Kenzo seems to be the victim of a revenge campaign by Michael's old art teacher, and Susan finds herself caught up in a sexual harassment case at work.


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Transcript


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Staring at your phone won't make it ring.

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Trust me, I've been doing it for years.

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Your father sent me another text.

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Oh, well. Better luck next time.

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He's hasn't quite got the hang of texting yet.

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There are a lot of Russian letters in every message.

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I'm impressed he didn't take the remote by mistake.

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How long is he at that conference for?

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-A week.

-Are you OK with that?

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Well, I had hoped they could stretch it out to a fortnight.

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PHONE BEEPS

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Oh, no not again! This is really frustrating.

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Well, this one makes no sense at all.

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-What does it say?

-"I miss u."

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He's even used a little "u". Look.

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What's that supposed to mean?

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Maybe he misses you?

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Don't be ridiculous!

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Maybe his phone's been stolen.

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Or he's been kidnapped!

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PHONE BEEPS

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Oh, he's got the predictive text wrong. He meant to say "I miss TV."

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Well, that's a relief.

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Isn't this nice?

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A professional mother and daughter having a working lunch together.

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-How mature.

-What a minger!

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Mum, she has seriously let herself go.

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Darling, that's Peter Stringfellow.

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Hi, Susan.

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-Hi, Chris.

-I'm just dropping off those sales figures.

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-You might want to keep an eye out - Katie's on the prowl.

-Thanks, Chris.

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Mum. Hello? Mum, who is that?

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He started here last week.

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Ooh, potential romantic interest in the workplace, Mum?

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Janey, please. I'm a happily married...

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I'm a married woman, and a professional and prefer to be seen as such.

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That is why I keep my personal and work life separate.

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And that is why, madam, you should really consider investing in some art.

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I have met your daughter before, Susan.

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Oh, thank God! I thought I was going to have to buy some art.

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-Sorry, I was getting back to work.

-Relax, you're allowed a lunch break.

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It should have finished five minutes ago.

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Time flies when you're having flan.

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I know it's fruit salad, but it didn't sound so...

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-hilarious.

-I need to talk to you about the new exhibition.

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-Ah, did you like my display?

-No.

-Oh.

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It has no flow, poor structure, a shambolic layout.

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Ah, yes, that's what I was aiming for.

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When you've finished not having flan, maybe you could redo the entire thing?

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-But that'll take hours.

-You can have all night to get it done if you like.

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-How generous of you!

-Chris can give you a hand.

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Maybe he'll have a better take on it.

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It wouldn't be hard.

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Ciao.

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Ciao.

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-DOOR CLOSES

-Cow.

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Result! You get to spend all night with Chris, the hot new guy.

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Yes, lucky me(!) I don't get nearly enough unpaid overtime.

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You're welcome to stick around and help out.

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Oh, sure, why not?

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And by "help out", I mean hang paintings, not pout seductively for Chris's benefit.

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Bye.

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Hey, Kenzo, how was your day?

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-Rubbish.

-You know, just cos Grandad's away, you don't have to fill in for him.

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We got our report cards at school, and mine sucks.

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Oh, well. Looks like I'm still the clever one in the family.

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Not that I need that to define who I am.

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Hang on, these are all A's, you little...

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..clever man.

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No, I got a C for Art.

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My teacher marked me down because he doesn't like me.

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I'm sure that's not true.

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Yes, it is. Mr Tilley's mean.

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Mr Tilley?

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He was MY art teacher.

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He never liked me and gave me rubbish marks.

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I bet he's got it in for you cos he hated me.

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And all because I pulled a few pranks on him.

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I thought you were good in school.

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I was.

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But there's a little part of me that hates being criticised, and lashes out at people because of it.

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Did you get that from Grandad?

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Afraid so.

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And Mr Tilley got the brunt of it.

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He made me feel like I'd never amount to anything.

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Well, you don't have a job.

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That's a bit harsh, Kenzo.

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You know what? I'm going to give Tilley a piece of my mind.

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Tell him to leave you alone.

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Well, you've got the time.

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It's not like you have to go to work.

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Maybe Tilley's got a point about you.

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I suppose Katie might be happy if we stick that piece over there.

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I know where I'd rather stick it.

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I can't believe Katie's making us work this late.

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It's easier knowing there's a Chardonnay waiting.

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-Yeah, it's a shame it has to wait, really.

-What was that?

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Have a glass with me.

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-Are you sure about this?

-It's fine.

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I've got another bottle in the fridge.

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And my husband's away, so I don't have to put anyone to bed when I get home.

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So...

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how's it looking?

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It's good. You've got a real eye for art, Susan.

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I could learn a lot from you.

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Oh, you!

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Yes, you probably could.

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It's so easy to get excited by art.

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This piece, for instance, is very evocative.

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The simplicity of two lines intertwined, creating the image of embracing lovers.

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To feel the physical bliss of sexual unity from basic shapes and angles.

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It shows the true passion of the imagination, don't you think?

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Yes.

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Then again, it's just a silly painting.

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-Well, you know what? I think I can finish up here on my own.

-Really?

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I don't mind...helping out.

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Look, Chris, I think we've had a little misunderstanding here.

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You're a very handsome man, and if I weren't married,

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who knows what could happen... in all aspects of my life.

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But I'm rambling now, but the point is I think you should leave.

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-Maybe

-I

-should leave.

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Yes, yes, that's it. I'll leave.

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Well, thanks for the help, colleague.

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Oh, here are the keys to lock up. No, no, no. There you are.

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There are the keys.

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-Let me help you with your coat.

-No, no, no, I can manage. No, it's fine. Know what?

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It's a mild evening, I don't really need my coat. Bye.

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Still got it.

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KNOCK ON DOOR

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Morning, Susan.

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-Hi, Katie.

-Mind if I pop in?

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Well, I'm a bit busy at the moment...

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No, please, do take a seat.

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How are you?

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Concerned. You're smiling.

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At me. Why?

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No reason. No reason at all.

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Oh, there was one tiny little thing.

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You've been charged with sexual harassment.

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What?! By who?

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-Chris.

-Oh, but that's ridiculous!

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If anything, he harassed me.

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Well, he says that you "plied him with alcohol".

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-I gave him a glass of wine.

-You said he was a "very handsome man".

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-Yes, well, I did say that.

-And you expressed a wish that you weren't married.

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I've done that so many times before it's lost all meaning.

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And anyway, he said things to me, too.

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-Such as?

-He said...

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"Yes." No, no, wait.

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He said... he said he didn't mind helping out.

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I'm not sure I can reprimand someone for that.

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No, but it was the way he said it. All icky.

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Susan, this is a very serious matter, but we don't want to make any rash decisions.

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Such as believing Chris and dismissing everything I say?

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Until we're able to resolve the situation, I think it's better you avoided Chris.

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Yes, of course.

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What the hell do you think you are playing at?

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-Ah, Susan.

-I don't want to hear it.

-I wasn't going to say anything else.

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Well, good.

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How could you say all those things about me?

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My name is all I have,

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and it's already spoilt because it's got Harper at the end of it.

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Now everyone will think I'm some sort of...sex panther.

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-"Sex panther"?

-Well, they might not think that exactly,

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but something in the randy cat area.

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So do you know what we're going to do?

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You and I are going to see Katie and tell her what really happened.

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Oh, I'm not sure if I want to do that.

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Oh, you don't understand.

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We are going to do it.

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I don't care if the whole gallery has to hear it,

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I'm going to get what I want!

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Oh, Katie.

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This isn't what you meant by "stay away from Chris", is it?

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KNOCK ON DOOR

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Come in.

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-Mr Tilley?

-Yes?

-Hi.

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You probably don't recognise me.

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I've...matured a lot since I was here.

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Michael Harper, isn't it?

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Yeah.

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I was wondering if I could talk to you.

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We're both adults now - we should be able to have a conversation on equal footing.

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Of course, take a seat.

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-The thing is...

-Doing well for yourself, I see.

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I assume you're out of work if you're able to make social calls during the day.

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-How do you know this isn't my lunch break?

-Is it?

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No.

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But the thing is...

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Is that gum you're chewing?

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Erm...yeah.

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Out.

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Can I speak now?

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I don't know, Harper, can you?

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MAY I...

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Mr Tilley...

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..my nephew is a student of yours.

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Ah, yes. Kenzo.

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And I'd hate to think he may be treated as unfairly as I was.

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Unfairly?

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As I recall, Harper, you slipped laxatives into my tea,

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started the trend of calling me Silly Tilley, and exploded a stink bomb inside my Vauxhall Astra.

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I never called you Silly Tilley.

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And I may have caused occasional trouble, but I was still a good student.

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It's funny you should say that.

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When I saw I was teaching Kenzo, I thought I'd look back at your record.

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It seems you never handed in your second year art course work.

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-I didn't?

-No.

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Well, I'd best be off.

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Walk, don't run.

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Hi, Mum.

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How was work?

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I was accused of sexual harassment by that new guy, Chris.

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Wow!

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Good for you, Mum!

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So where'd you do it? In the stationery cupboard? Fire escape? On the desk?

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None of those. I didn't do it.

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Oh. So what did you do?

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All I did was offer him a glass of wine, flatter him, and talk passionately about art and...

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sexual intimacy.

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-It's not sounding good, Mum.

-It isn't, is it? Oh, God. Well, maybe I did harass him.

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Well, it's a proud move for feminism.

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I might have to explain feminism to you some time.

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So what happens now?

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Katie's making me attend a course on sexual harassment.

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Well, another qualification always helps.

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Janey, just to confirm, you do actually believe I'm innocent, don't you?

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Of course, Mum. I have total confidence in you.

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Hey, what's going on?

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Mum jumped a guy at work.

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Hello.

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Gosh, what a relief!

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I thought I'd be the only woman here.

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This is silly, isn't it?

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A simple misunderstanding and we have to go through all this.

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It's political correctness gone mad.

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It's nice talking to you, too.

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Oh!

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You should watch yourself around Ange, she's a gooser.

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I'm Patrick.

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Sorry, I'm not exactly here to meet people.

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This whole thing has been a terrible mistake and perverts like you sicken me. Excuse me.

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Right. I am actually the course director.

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Oh, my goodness, I am sorry. I'm Susan Harper. Sorry.

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No, it's OK. There's nothing to be ashamed of here. This course is completely confidential.

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"Confidential" suggests there IS something to be ashamed of.

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Maybe you'd like to help me with an opening exercise. Hi, everyone, take a seat, please.

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Thank you. Now, to get us started, Susan here has volunteered to take part in an activity

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to show that improper communication is unacceptable in the workplace,

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be it abusive, sexual, or merely calling someone a sickening pervert.

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Susan is going to read out some phrases,

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and the group will say whether they're appropriate or inappropriate.

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Mrs Harper?

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What happened to confidentiality?

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Just read the cards.

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"Hello, sexy."

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-ALL:

-Hello.

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Just say "appropriate" or "inappropriate", please.

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"Hello, sexy."

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-ALL:

-Inappropriate.

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"I'm happy to help you."

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-ALL:

-Appropriate.

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Now, surely that's open to interpretation.

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It would be quite different if I said...

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-SULTRY:

-"I'm happy to help you".

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-ALL:

-Inappropriate.

-See? See?

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And it would be perfectly harmless if I said, "You're an attractive man".

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-ALL:

-Inappropriate.

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This exercise isn't actually about interpretation.

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-Well, then, it's a pretty stupid exercise, isn't it?

-ALL:

-Appropriate.

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-Oh, shut up, the lot of you!

-ALL:

-Inappropriate.

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Perhaps we should just take a small break. Susan, can I have a word, please?

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I'm sorry, Patrick.

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I know I'm not behaving well, but you have to understand.

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I would never associate myself with the kind of people that come to this sort of course.

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I just keep thinking what Ben would say.

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Ben? Ben Harper?

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Why does that name sound familiar?

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Never mind.

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Have you been avoiding me?

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What makes you think that?

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Did you speak to Mr Tilley?

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To be honest, I've been very busy, Kenzo.

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Yeah, right.

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He said that you went to see him and ran away like a little boy.

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That's rubbish. I ran away like a man!

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Look, there's no talking to Tilley.

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I think the best thing you can do is just take your C grade and forget about it.

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Really?

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Yeah, cos otherwise it'll eat away at you day after day,

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gnawing at your insides until eventually,

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you'll just be so angry that you'll want to take a paintbrush,

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shove it down his throat and say, "How do you like that, Tilley? Is that art?!"

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I'm sure that won't happen to you.

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Hey, how was the course?

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Terrible.

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The amount of Old Spice wafting through that room...

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has given me a migraine.

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Well, at least it's all over.

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I wish. I've got another four sessions to go. I can't take any more.

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I hate to say it, but you'll have to grit your teeth until this whole mess goes away.

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-I suppose you're right.

-ANSWERPHONE:

-'One new message'.

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'Hello, Susan, Katie here.

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'Just heard about your behaviour at the course today.

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'I'm afraid you're suspended until further notice. Speak soon, ciao'.

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Right, that's it!

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I have to talk to Chris and convince him I did nothing wrong.

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Are you sure that'll work?

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Oh, I can be very persuasive.

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I know it shouldn't, but everything you say now sounds really dirty.

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Oh, hi.

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You all right?

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This thing with Kenzo's teacher is bothering me.

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-Oh, listen, Mike, I know you didn't sort it out, but I believe you're doing Kenzo a service.

-How?

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It's good for kids to be disappointed once in a while.

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-Thanks.

-I mean, it's a good life lesson to pin all your hopes on one person and have them let you down.

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OK, OK. I get your point.

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I have a point?

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Oh, that'll be Chris.

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-Chris?

-Yeah, the gallery guy.

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Mum's going to convince him to drop the charges.

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So Mum's invited the man she harassed around to...

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harass him into dropping the harassment charges?

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Yep.

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And what are you doing?

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Oh, I thought I'd hang around and listen in, in case things get frisky.

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What is wrong with the women in this family?

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-SUSAN:

-Come in, Chris.

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Nice to see you again.

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Not "nice" nice, platonic nice.

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And when I say "see you", I don't mean ogle you.

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Right.

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Take a seat.

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Thank you.

0:17:590:18:00

Drink? A soft one. I'm not trying to ply you with anything. I'm being...

0:18:010:18:06

appropriate.

0:18:060:18:07

-Nuts?

-I'm fine, thank you.

0:18:100:18:13

So...

0:18:150:18:16

-..how's work?

-Well...

0:18:180:18:20

Great, anyway, I was wondering if we might clear up our little misunderstanding.

0:18:200:18:24

Obviously, I apologise if anything I said to you

0:18:240:18:27

could be misconstrued, although to be honest, I made the mistake of thinking you were flirting with me.

0:18:270:18:32

-I was.

-Right, I see. What?

0:18:320:18:35

You're a passionate woman, Susan. I like that.

0:18:350:18:39

And as for clearing the matter up, there is one very simple solution.

0:18:390:18:42

-There is?

-Yes.

0:18:420:18:45

Sleep with me.

0:18:460:18:47

There's no allegations for me to make if it actually happened.

0:18:490:18:54

Right. Um, slightly fuzzy logic there, but I think I get the point.

0:18:540:19:00

Would you excuse me a moment?

0:19:010:19:03

Janey?

0:19:080:19:09

Janey, did you hear that? Janey?!

0:19:090:19:12

Hear what?

0:19:120:19:14

You're supposed to be a witness.

0:19:140:19:15

-Chris just said he would drop the charges if I slept with him.

-Really?

0:19:150:19:20

Nice one!

0:19:200:19:22

Not "nice one". The man's a sleaze bucket.

0:19:220:19:26

Well, you're in luck, because I am an expert in lechy men.

0:19:260:19:30

In a situation like this, there are three options.

0:19:310:19:34

Bear in mind, I'm NOT going to sleep with him.

0:19:340:19:36

OK, two options.

0:19:370:19:39

First, tell Katie what happened and hope she believes you this time.

0:19:390:19:42

That's unlikely.

0:19:420:19:44

She still thinks I stole the stapler from work.

0:19:440:19:47

-Did you?

-Yes. No, I borrowed it.

0:19:470:19:49

It's a stapler - who cares?

0:19:490:19:52

OK, then option two is call his bluff.

0:19:520:19:53

He can't be interested in you for anything more than a cheap and weird thrill.

0:19:530:19:58

-Thanks for that(!)

-If you make him think you want something serious, he'll change his mind.

0:19:580:20:02

-The idea of a relationship with you will scare the life out of him.

-Again, thank you.

0:20:020:20:07

-Honestly, Mum, he'll be out of that door so fast, you won't see him for dust. In fact...

-Shut up, Janey.

0:20:070:20:12

-Hello.

-Hello.

0:20:170:20:18

I've been thinking about your offer in the kitchen, and, er...

0:20:200:20:25

I've decided to say yes.

0:20:250:20:27

-Great!

-However, we have to be realistic about this.

0:20:270:20:31

I'm not a "one night" kind of lady.

0:20:310:20:34

If anything were to occur between us, I would need a proper, long-term commitment.

0:20:340:20:40

OK.

0:20:400:20:42

You do realise I want a proper, monogamous relationship, right?

0:20:420:20:47

Yeah, that's totally reasonable.

0:20:470:20:49

Right, wonderful.

0:20:490:20:52

Of course, I'm married.

0:20:550:20:57

Me too.

0:20:570:20:59

-So you'd be worried about leaving your wife?

-Meh.

0:21:010:21:04

I see.

0:21:040:21:06

That would mean we'd both have to move out and find a place together, which is a major commitment.

0:21:070:21:12

OK, let's do that.

0:21:120:21:14

Seriously?

0:21:140:21:15

Excellent.

0:21:160:21:18

Why don't we start looking tomorrow, then? I really want to be serious about this.

0:21:190:21:23

Sounds good to me.

0:21:230:21:25

Brilliant.

0:21:250:21:27

Well...

0:21:280:21:30

I look forward to us facing up to the crushing reality of a future together.

0:21:300:21:35

Me too.

0:21:350:21:36

Fabulous.

0:21:380:21:40

Yes, Harper?

0:21:420:21:45

Hi, me again.

0:21:450:21:48

I just thought I'd come back.

0:21:480:21:49

Making up for the numerous detentions you avoided?

0:21:490:21:53

No, I've got something important to tell you.

0:21:530:21:56

What, that you've finally managed to draw a rabbit that doesn't look like a frog?

0:21:560:22:00

No, I just...

0:22:000:22:02

Oh, come on, boy. Spit it out.

0:22:030:22:05

Clarity was never your forte.

0:22:050:22:08

It was, actually.

0:22:080:22:10

For your information, I swept through my GCSEs and A-levels,

0:22:100:22:14

got a first for my degree, and my tutor said my dissertation was one of the best he'd ever read.

0:22:140:22:18

-But you're right, I suppose that doesn't compare to a badly-drawn rabbit.

-And your point is?

0:22:180:22:24

My point is, I'm sorry I gave you a hard time at school,

0:22:240:22:29

but if you'd believed in me for one second, it never would have happened.

0:22:290:22:33

But I'm fine now. I'm over it.

0:22:330:22:34

The thing that bothers me is you let our history affect Kenzo,

0:22:340:22:37

who deserves better than a petty, resentful C grade.

0:22:370:22:41

Would you like to see one of Kenzo's paintings?

0:22:410:22:45

You've been very generous.

0:22:530:22:54

So? How was the flat-hunting?

0:23:000:23:02

Well, you know, I was quite surprised at how much we could get for our money.

0:23:020:23:07

Oh, and Chris isn't backing down and this is a hideous living hell.

0:23:070:23:10

Just keep at it, Mum. Trust me, he has to be on the verge of cracking.

0:23:100:23:14

-Just keep calling his bluff.

-I have no more bluffs to call.

0:23:140:23:17

I mentioned the idea of a nursery, and he barely batted an eyelid.

0:23:190:23:23

At this rate, I'll be leaving your father and moving into a bright, open-plan, second floor flat

0:23:230:23:28

in up-and-coming Bromley-by-Bow.

0:23:280:23:30

And your problem is?

0:23:300:23:31

OK, OK, OK.

0:23:330:23:34

We've got one more option, and this will make any man run for the hills.

0:23:340:23:38

Make him think you want to get married.

0:23:380:23:41

-Wow.

-Smart, huh?

0:23:410:23:43

No, no, it's just suddenly dawned on me.

0:23:430:23:45

I'm taking advice from YOU.

0:23:450:23:47

Seriously, you. What on earth am I doing?

0:23:470:23:51

I'm not hearing enthusiasm for the new plan.

0:23:510:23:53

Because it's deranged.

0:23:530:23:56

Really? OK, then, tell me, how did Dad react when you first mentioned marriage to him?

0:23:560:24:00

Oh, it's hard to tell.

0:24:000:24:02

He disappeared for a fortnight.

0:24:020:24:05

DOORBELL RINGS

0:24:170:24:18

What am I doing?

0:24:220:24:23

Hello, love of my life.

0:24:310:24:34

It's a pleasure to see you, and this time I AM ogling you.

0:24:390:24:44

Thanks.

0:24:440:24:45

Oh, Chris, I know this has been a crazy, whirlwind affair.

0:24:450:24:49

Some might consider it entirely insane...

0:24:490:24:52

but I can't help feeling we may be ready to take an even bigger step.

0:24:520:24:57

Well, it's funny you should say that.

0:24:570:24:59

-It is?

-Yes, because I've been doing some thinking,

0:24:590:25:03

and I've got a very important question I'd like to ask you.

0:25:030:25:06

Oh, my God.

0:25:060:25:08

Susan...

0:25:090:25:10

is it OK if we don't go through with our plans?

0:25:100:25:14

Oh, what?! Oh, no.

0:25:140:25:17

Including sleeping with each other?

0:25:180:25:20

Yes.

0:25:200:25:21

Oh, what a shame.

0:25:210:25:24

What we had was so special.

0:25:240:25:27

I suppose that means you'll be dropping those sexual harassment charges.

0:25:280:25:33

Of course I will.

0:25:330:25:35

Oh.

0:25:360:25:38

Well...

0:25:380:25:40

it's going to take me a long time to get over this one, I can tell you.

0:25:400:25:44

I suppose reality made our love far too impossible.

0:25:450:25:49

-Oh, no, that's not why I want to end it.

-Sorry?

0:25:490:25:53

-I've met somebody else.

-You what?

0:25:530:25:56

I know. It was so unexpected, but I'm just, like, head over heels.

0:25:560:26:00

She is the most amazing woman I have ever met.

0:26:000:26:03

Well, good for you.

0:26:030:26:05

It's just funny. You said the exact same thing to me three days ago.

0:26:050:26:09

Yeah, but you've got to understand.

0:26:090:26:11

This one - well, she's fun, and she's witty...

0:26:110:26:14

You don't think I'm fun? You don't think I'm witty?

0:26:140:26:17

-Susan...

-We had a future. We made plans. We looked at apartments!

0:26:170:26:21

I know, but we couldn't afford one.

0:26:210:26:24

-You haven't even got a job.

-That's your fault!

0:26:240:26:26

-Well, technically.

-Not technically - actually!

0:26:260:26:29

My God. You know what? Of all the women I've accused of sexual harassment,

0:26:290:26:33

-you are by far the most mental.

-"All the women"? What?

0:26:330:26:36

That's how I tend to meet people.

0:26:360:26:38

-But that's insane!

-Well, it worked on you. We even looked at apartments together.

0:26:380:26:43

Get out of here! Go on, get out.

0:26:430:26:45

Go back to your wife, your girlfriend or whatever spaceship you came on. Go on, out!

0:26:450:26:50

Fine, but before I leave, I want the ring back.

0:26:500:26:53

-You didn't give me a ring.

-Oh, sorry, that must have been somebody else!

0:26:530:26:57

Yes, darling, I'm back at work now.

0:26:590:27:02

Oh, the usual.

0:27:020:27:04

A younger man wanted to marry me, have my children and move to Bromley-by-Bow.

0:27:040:27:08

What's wrong with Bromley-by-Bow?

0:27:100:27:13

Oh, got to go, Katie's here.

0:27:130:27:15

Bye, darling.

0:27:150:27:17

Thanks for coming back, Susan.

0:27:170:27:19

You were right. Chris is insane.

0:27:190:27:21

Oh, he tried it on with you, too?

0:27:210:27:24

He wanted to look at apartments. I told him I'm not an idiot.

0:27:240:27:27

No, of course not.

0:27:270:27:30

-So to avoid any further problems, I've decided his replacement should be a woman.

-Oh, very wise, Katie.

0:27:300:27:35

Meet your new assistant. Ange?

0:27:350:27:38

You two will be working late tonight. Ciao, ciao.

0:27:420:27:45

Inappropriate.

0:27:480:27:50

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0:28:140:28:17

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