Germs of Endearment My Family


Germs of Endearment

Sitcom. Ben and Susan's trip to Spain starts out being an anniversary present from Janey and Michael, but then they discover that they all have to pay for it.


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Transcript


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Yup.

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This is one slow toaster.

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Yes, siree, Bob.

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That's the thing about Lady Toast.

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Makes you wait.

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Gives you time to think.

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To cogitate.

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To pon...der.

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Is there a gun in this house?

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Here's me waiting for white toast and you waiting for brown toast.

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-That's interesting, isn't it?

-It's a five-hour drive away from interesting.

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All I'm saying is there are basic...

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differences, similarities...

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That's it. We've officially run out of conversation.

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Only because you refused to keep the toast ball in the air.

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Look at us. Alone in this house, nothing to say, no kids any more, we've got nothing.

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Oop, we've got toast.

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Thank you.

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Come on. We always knew the kids would fly the nest eventually.

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I suppose so. It just makes me feel sad now they've gone.

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It shouldn't! They're learning to be independent, standing on their own two feet.

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I guess you're right. We should let them spread their wings.

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-Exactly. They're making their own way in the world.

-We should be proud of them.

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-Are these eggs still good?

-Is there any more washing powder?

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If we don't turn round, we can just pretend they're not there.

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Sorry, heavy night.

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Lost my flat keys.

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-How do you work the dryer on this?

-You don't. Which reminds me...

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Oh, great.

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What a lovely start to our anniversary.

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Oh, yeah, it's your anniversary.

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That's why there's a party atmosphere(!)

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-This year's a big one, isn't it?

-Yup, quite a millstone. Milestone!

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I said milestone.

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-What have you got us?

-It better be good.

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Considering we gave you the miracle of life.

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Oh, your present.

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-We got you the ultimate anniversary gift. Remember, Mikey?

-Oh, right, that.

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We got you...

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an all-expenses-paid holiday.

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Wow. Gosh.

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Oh, wow, that's... That's... That's...great.

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Because, er, we noticed the two of you never go away together.

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If you'd rather not go, absolutely no problem at all.

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They'll give a full refund, won't they?

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Full refund. It'll be as if we never bothered to book it in the first place.

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So you two got us a holiday, just for us two?

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-Mmm-hmm! For two whole weeks.

-Where are we going?

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-Overseas.

-Yeah, er, Spain.

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Day after tomorrow. Alone at last.

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-Wow...

-Seeing everything together.

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Well, that's really, really nice of you guys...

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It's just, it's very short notice, isn't it, Ben?

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Yeah... I don't think I can cancel my appointments, better check the diary.

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Er, diary, diary, diary, diary is...

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-in the other room. Susan, could you just help me check the diary?

-Yes, sure.

-Help me!

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Just...

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-What will we do?

-Don't they know we've never had a good holiday?

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Every time we go away together, it goes pear shaped.

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-That's an understatement. I still have the scars. Sardinia. '88.

-Yeah, Mauritius. '03.

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Oh, I'm so sorry...but I can do better than that. Portugal '97.

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I thought you were already in the car.

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So who do you think was screaming?

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All right, all right. Let's face it, we can't go on this holiday.

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What do we tell the kids? I can't believe they considered our feelings.

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I can't believe we're considering THEIRS.

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Maybe we should go. The law of probability says we've got to have at least one holiday

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that doesn't leave us mentally or physically scarred.

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-OK, OK, OK. But no pool-side barbecues.

-No fireworks.

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-No swimming with dolphins.

-No matter how friendly they look.

-Yeah.

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Just when I think you and I are not related, you pretend to book our parents on a non-existent holiday.

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It feels good to give nothing, doesn't it? Gives you a warm, yet cheap feeling inside.

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-True.

-I mean, besides, there was no point actually buying that holiday,

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because, A, we can't afford it, and B, we knew they'd never go on it.

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-We've made a decision.

-We're going on holiday.

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It's going to be brilliant.

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BOTH: Brilliant...

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Well, this is a disaster.

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Ben, I'm sure they can get you some peanuts.

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It's not just that.

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I've got a really funny feeling about this whole thing. It'll be worse than our honeymoon.

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It's not. What are the chances of being hit by a water cannon AGAIN?

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I don't know, but what were the chances of

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an aggressive little midget setting fire to our bridal suite?

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1,000/1, but it still happened, didn't it?

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I'm sorry, I find that slightly offensive.

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Sorry, are you some kind of giant midget?

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No. I just don't like people being rude about minorities.

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I've got nothing against midgets, per se.

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Just that at this particular time, we had a very dodgy midget.

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-Can I get you some ice with that?

-Oh, si, por favor.

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-Gracias.

-Quiere algo a beber?

-Peanuts.

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She asked if you wanted something to drink.

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I know. And I know the answer to this. "Uno ser-vay-sa, por favor".

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"Ther bay tha", por favor.

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You actually pronounce it "ther-bay-tha". "Therbaytha".

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-Thorry?

-"Ther bay tha". "Therbaytha".

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-Jutht thtay out of thith.

-You see, if we were in South America, you'd have been correct to pronounce it

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"ser vay sa", but people in Spain pronounce their Cs in that context with a "th" sound.

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Swap places with me, will you?

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Anything to stop you going to the dark side.

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Oh, great, now you've landed me with a duff seat.

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-I suppose you want me to swap seats again?

-Oh, no, no, no.

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-You sit and enjoy Senor Wikipedia. I'm going to fix this.

-Ben, try to relax.

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We owe it to the kids. This holiday can't have been cheap.

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Ha-ha, on this airline, are you serious?

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I'm surprised they haven't stuck us below in a packing crate,

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wedged between a chicken and an upright piano.

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Swap seats with me?

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Wait, so you charged the entire holiday to Dad's credit card?

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-How is he not going to notice that?

-Janey, I had to find out his card number, his password,

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transfer his money, all in one day, without him noticing.

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So before we do the whole "Mikey's an idiot" thing,

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can we take a moment to appreciate my flipping genius?!

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OK, then...genius. How do we pay the money back before he notices?

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I've been thinking about that.

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You know that show, Cash In The Attic?

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Is that where they go through your house with

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an antiques expert, and then sell your old stuff at auction?

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No, that's The Wire(!) Yeah, that's the show.

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Be sarcastic if you like, but there is nothing interesting in our attic,

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except for those weird drawings Roger did of the moon and that noose no-one will admit to rigging up.

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Look, it doesn't actually have to come from the attic.

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Just, you know, anything worth a few quid that no-one's going to miss.

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I suppose I could get rid of the Barbie Doll collection.

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Janey, you can't.

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It took me years to collect those.

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So I walk in and who should be sitting there but Chano Dominguez!

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That's amazing...

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Who's Chano Dominguez?

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He's probably the most famous flamenco jazz pianist working in Spain today.

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And that's how he ended up playing at my daughter's wedding.

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-That's an amazing story.

-Well, it's a story.

-Ben.

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I am going to relax in this seat if it bloody kills me.

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-Come on, let's toast.

-OK, OK, In the words of Mr Phil Collins...

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Ooh that's so weird! I love Phil Collins!

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No way! I love Phil Collins too.

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Almost as much as I love you.

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-To us.

-To us.

-And Mr Phil Collins.

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Sorry, can I, um... Could I borrow your sick bag?

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-Have you not got one of your own?

-Trust me, I'll fill 'em both.

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Thanks very much.

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I'm going to give this seat one last push, come on!

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-Come on!

-What are you doing?

-Oh, I'm sorry. Er, nurse, nurse!

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Er, steward...ess! Please, help. Um, could my wife and I exchange seats? This one appears to be...

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Sorry. ..broken.

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Yes, not a problem. I'll find you two together.

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Do they have to be together?

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Excuse me.

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Um, I haven't had my snack.

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I'm sorry, sir, I've already served this row.

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I wasn't sitting in this row when you served it.

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Yes, but now you have to wait because I am serving the row you just left.

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Isn't that typical?

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Ben... That's the difference between us.

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With me, the glass is always half full.

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With you, the glass is always half empty.

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Right now, I'd just settle for a glass.

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-Oh, please stop moaning.

-Well, why should I?

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Could you both please calm down?!

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Excuse me?

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When you argue, you use more oxygen.

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If the pressure goes, we'll need that oxygen.

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We need to preserve the oxygen!

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Thank you, Shelley Winters,

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I think we know who's using all the oxygen around here.

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-You pressed the call button, sir?

-No.

-Yes, there's a light flashing on the wing. Is something wrong?

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No, it's completely normal.

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Yeah, that's what they always say! "Everything's fine."

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Then before you know it, it's "Brace! Brace!" Then bam!

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Body parts, twisted metal.

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Just... Just relax, OK? Calm down, calm down.

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I mean, these planes are making countless journeys every day.

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-They probably don't have time to service them most of the time.

-Oh, my God.

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Just relax, OK? These pilots know what they're doing,

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they're flying these buckets 20, 30 times a day.

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They can fly them in their sleep!

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Probably ARE asleep most of the time.

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-The pilot's asleep? The pilot's asleep!

-Calm down.

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It's all right, calm down, Just calm down. Sorry.

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Look, if we do crash, you're hardly short of an air bag or two, are you?

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Mind you, if we hit water, I know what I'm using as a flotation device.

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-Do you want to give me a hand with this piano?

-Janey, you can't flog the piano.

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Why not? When's the last time anyone played it?

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Look, I know we weren't exactly raised by Chas & Dave,

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but I think our parents might notice a missing piano.

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Well, I hope you found something, because someone from the show's coming round this afternoon.

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You got us on Cash In The Attic with one call?

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No, first they send an expert round to do an appraisal but if he's impressed, it's show time!

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A camera crew shows up and we'll be as famous as the people on Cash In The Attic.

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-Who ARE the people on Cash In The Attic?

-I don't know.

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Hang on a minute.

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I can't hear the engines. The engines have cut out!

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That's because we're on the ground. We landed.

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-When?

-Just after you hyperventilated and passed out.

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Why does my jaw feel swollen?

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-You just needed a little help passing out.

-Oh, not again. Why do I have to be such a nervous passenger?

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'Ladies and gents, bit of bad news, I'm afraid there's been a suspected outbreak

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'of the H7N1 virus in the UK

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'and the Spanish authorities want to keep us in quarantine until they're certain no-one's carrying it.'

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-Oh, Ben, you idiot.

-What have I done now?

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Sorry. Force of habit.

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'We apologise for any inconvenience. We will try our best to make you as comfortable as possible. Thank you.'

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I think I've got the virus. I feel sweaty.

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Do you need a little help passing out again?

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Oh, great.

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That's just great. Stuck in a bubble in a Spanish airport.

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What else...

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You'd think on a plane that size, we would have noticed a nun with a guitar, wouldn't you?

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Oh, the bubble is alive with the sound of music!

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I know this isn't what we expected, but let's try and make the best of it, shall we?

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Oh, yeah, make the best of it, about to die with a bunch of morons with a mutant virus...

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Oh, that is great, first a naffing seat now a naffing bed!

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Try lying the other way round.

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-Can I get you a pillow?

-Why don't you just shut up?

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Shut up and let me die in peace.

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You in here too, are you?

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-Oh, no.

-Listen, we should keep warm.

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Once night falls, it's going to get pretty cold around here.

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We need to make a fire.

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We're on the inside.

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-Then we'd better cuddle up.

-We'll light a fire.

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-Is this it?

-Yep.

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The most valuable thing here is the box.

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-Hey, how about that clock?

-Nah, Mum's always going on about it.

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-She'll notice it's missing.

-DOORBELL RINGS

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OK, don't worry, don't panic, it'll be some old doddery guy

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so just let the miniskirt do the talking.

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Hi, you must be from Cash In The Attic. I'm Janey.

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Thorndyke.

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Thorndyke. What a sexy name. Is that a Mr Thorndyke?

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Just Thorndyke.

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Hello, I'm Michael Harper.

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Right, before we start, answer me this - have you ever seen any crooks or con men on Cash In The Attic?

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-No.

-No. Do you know why?

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Because the antiques world is a club...

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and you just met the bouncer.

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Now, I've got another ten houses to see today, so impress me and do it fast.

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Unless those are over 200 years old, I'm not interested, sweetheart.

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I can't take any more of this, Susan.

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Ben, it's been ten minutes.

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I'm sorry, but your husband's right.

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They could keep us in here indefinitely.

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We had no meal on the plane, there's no food in here...

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I'm just saying, eventually one of us might have to make the ultimate sacrifice.

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Wait, no, not me! I'd taste horrible.

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I've just gone vegetarian.

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Those two will probably end up eating each other.

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In a situation like this, there's only one thing that'll kill you and that is boredom.

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So what I say is, let's all sit in a circle and tell some stories

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and maybe Sister Brenda would sing us a song or two.

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It's like The Poseidon Adventure without the adventure.

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Why can't you join in for once?

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Because I'm an individual, Susan.

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They're in their bubble, I'm in mine.

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I'm in my own bubble. A sort of...

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double bubble.

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-I'm sorry, but my husband doesn't want to join us.

-Oh, finally, food.

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-Ah, great, food!

-No, no, no, no, no. You wait your turn.

-No, no, no, hang on...

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No, no, no. Sorry, Ben. You can't just join us for the good times.

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-Good times!

-When the going got tough, you abandoned us.

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-Listen, I was two feet away!

-OK, now listen, has everybody...

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No, sorry. Has everybody in our group got some food? Yep?

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-OK, would anybody else like some food?

-Yes, I...

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Great. At last, I get my peanuts.

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You made your bed, it collapsed, now you have to lie in it.

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OK, guys, let's tell some stories.

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Hello, what's your name?

0:16:390:16:41

-Pepe.

-Pepe. Hello, Pepe. Ben.

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You have chocolate, uh?

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May I have a little bit of chocolate, Pepe?

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Si.

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Hang on, hang on.

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KLAXON BLASTS

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It's OK, it's all right, it's all right. It's OK, it's all right. It's nothing, nothing major.

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OK, well this is a device for making fizzy drinks.

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Now, I believe it dates back to the 1970s, when my father was...

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It's worthless. Move on.

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Right, OK, er...

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What about this? Mmm?

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I know it's just a cheese-grater, but it was actually a gift to my Aunt from Princess Anne.

0:17:320:17:37

So why does it say "Ikea" on it?

0:17:370:17:41

-I think you'll find that's the Royal Crest.

-It's Ikea.

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-I'm sure it's the Royal Crest.

-Come on, you're wasting my time!

-OK, OK. Well, what about this?

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It's been in our family for years. I think it's quite an unusual item.

0:17:500:17:54

Ah, this is a Georgian reproduction, dating back to the 1950s.

0:17:540:18:00

You know who else has one of these?

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-Who?

-Everybody! It's worthless. I'm out of here.

-No, wait!

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-Wait, there's more!

-Oh, give it up.

0:18:060:18:09

There are no antiques in this house... CLOCK CHIMES

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..except...that!

0:18:140:18:17

Pepe, hey!

0:18:210:18:23

Wey-hey, Barcelona!

0:18:310:18:33

-What did he say?

-He says, um... He'd very much like to play football with you.

0:18:330:18:39

-Big fan back there, Susan.

-Yeah.

0:18:450:18:48

-Let's sleep at different times.

-And who should be sitting there but Chano Dominguez...

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Oh, no, not that again.

0:18:530:18:56

-I don't know how I put up with you.

-Me?

-You always have to be the angry outsider, don't you?

0:18:560:19:01

-You're not so different from me.

-Oh, rubbish, I'm completely different from you.

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Now, if you don't mind, I want to go and hear Sister Brenda sing.

0:19:060:19:09

Can't wait, Sister Brenda - live in the bubble!

0:19:090:19:12

Oh, shut up!

0:19:120:19:14

You do realise this is worth about £3,000 at auction?

0:19:160:19:22

Really? But it's so old.

0:19:220:19:24

We can't sell it. Our mum loves that clock.

0:19:260:19:30

Let me tell you a little something about "The Attic".

0:19:300:19:33

You don't just waltz onto the show with a load of junk.

0:19:330:19:36

-I know, but this is Mum's...

-Newsflash! Cash In The Attic is one of the biggest shows on daytime TV.

0:19:360:19:41

So you need to ask yourself, do I really want to do this?

0:19:410:19:46

-Oh, we want to do it.

-Do you?

0:19:460:19:48

I don't think you're hungry enough.

0:19:480:19:51

Oh, we are, we are! We're starving...for antiques.

0:19:510:19:55

Look, we just need the money.

0:19:550:19:57

Then what are you prepared to do?

0:19:570:20:01

We're...

0:20:010:20:02

-prepared to...sell the antique clock.

-I'm sorry...

0:20:020:20:06

I didn't quite catch that.

0:20:060:20:08

-BOTH MUMBLE:

-We're prepared to sell the antique clock.

0:20:080:20:11

Then, Michael, Janey, your money worries are well and truly over.

0:20:110:20:16

Is the clock really worth that much?

0:20:160:20:18

Worth that much?

0:20:180:20:20

Son, when bidding starts at the Chiswick Municipal Auction House, trust me, that baby is going to kill.

0:20:200:20:27

Well, looks like we're in the antiques business.

0:20:330:20:37

It's weird. I feel excited and bored at the same time.

0:20:370:20:42

HE MOUTHS

0:20:590:21:00

HE MOUTHS

0:21:280:21:30

Chano Dominguez...

0:21:410:21:43

UKULELE SOUNDS DISCORDANT NOTE

0:22:000:22:03

Stealing food from nuns now, I see.

0:22:100:22:13

Look, she had food, I had none.

0:22:130:22:16

Did she help the needy? No.

0:22:160:22:18

Because she's a one-way nun, Susan.

0:22:180:22:21

Ladies and gentlemen, we have been observing you for a while.

0:22:230:22:26

Oh, my God, they saw me!

0:22:260:22:29

As nobody has exhibited any signs of the virus, we will shortly be releasing you.

0:22:290:22:33

SIGHS OF RELIEF

0:22:330:22:35

BEN SPLUTTERS

0:22:350:22:37

I am sorry, but in the light of this man's symptoms we had better postpone that decision for 24 hours.

0:22:420:22:48

-It's OK! No, you don't understand, I'm not sick!

-We'll be back shortly to take blood tests.

0:22:480:22:52

No, it's OK, you don't understand, I'm fine, I was just choking!

0:22:520:22:56

On a...on a banana!

0:22:560:22:57

Hang on...that was MY banana.

0:22:570:23:00

You actually stole a nun's banana?

0:23:030:23:06

What kind of a person steals a banana from a nun?

0:23:070:23:10

I'm not sick! We're all fine, we can go now! It's all right!

0:23:100:23:14

I mean, there's nothing remotely wrong with me. Is there, Susan?

0:23:140:23:18

I have never met this man before in my life.

0:23:190:23:22

I cannot believe you disowned me last night. Over a banana?

0:23:280:23:33

It was like the Last Supper.

0:23:330:23:35

-So you're Jesus now?

-Well, what happened to loyalty?

0:23:350:23:37

What happened to tolerance?

0:23:370:23:39

Why can't you tolerate these people? They're just normal, decent people.

0:23:390:23:43

Normal, dec... They're just a bunch of do-gooders and know-it-alls, and I've had it up to there, Susan!

0:23:430:23:49

Erm...

0:23:520:23:53

Erm, can we just say, you are an angel.

0:23:540:23:59

Yeah, I mean...we know that marriages take work, but, my word, you really put the effort in.

0:23:590:24:05

-Well done, you.

-Yeah. Well done, you.

0:24:050:24:08

Yay, Susan!

0:24:080:24:10

Susan, yay!

0:24:100:24:12

Patronising gits.

0:24:120:24:15

And who should be sitting there but Chano Dominguez, you know,

0:24:150:24:18

probably the most famous flamenco jazz pianist working in Spain today.

0:24:180:24:22

-Does he ever get tired of that stupid story?

-Patience, Susan.

0:24:220:24:28

Listen, I think I know someone who can help us through this.

0:24:280:24:32

-Really? Who?

-Jesus.

0:24:320:24:34

He is the way, the truth, the light.

0:24:340:24:36

Yes. Shame he's not the door.

0:24:360:24:39

Well, there's no need for sarcasm.

0:24:390:24:41

Yes, I know, I don't like this any more than you do, Pepe.

0:24:410:24:44

-Idiot!

-No, that's singular.

0:24:440:24:47

-You want to try the plural. You know, "They're all idiots!"

-Idiot!

0:24:470:24:50

Yeah... No, no, no. Try another word. "Cretins" or "morons" or "numbskulls".

0:24:500:24:55

You are the idiot!

0:24:550:24:57

I see. That's why you're using the singular.

0:24:570:25:00

That's very good. OK.

0:25:000:25:01

How's tricks, compadre?

0:25:010:25:03

Oh, fine. Just starting to get a little cabin fever.

0:25:030:25:06

Ah, that's an interesting story. Now, do you know the origin to the phrase "cabin fever"?

0:25:060:25:11

Yes.

0:25:110:25:12

-You know they're never going to let us out of here, don't you?

-Oh, you're being ridiculous.

-Am I? Am I?

0:25:130:25:18

-Yes. Yes.

-I'm telling you, they'll contain this virus at any cost.

0:25:180:25:22

-At any cost!

-Will you please just stop talking?

0:25:220:25:24

No, silence is what they want. They want to hush this whole thing up.

0:25:240:25:28

Sure, they'll tell us we're free to go, but the minute we go through that door...

0:25:280:25:32

-BAM!

-Oh, God!

-Bullet to the back of the head.

0:25:320:25:35

Starting to sound appealing.

0:25:350:25:37

# He's got the whole world...

0:25:370:25:42

# In his hands

0:25:420:25:43

-# He's got the whole... #

-Come on, Susan, join in.

0:25:430:25:47

-# In his hands... #

-No, thank you.

-Come on, Susan, join us!

0:25:470:25:50

-No, really.

-Go, Susan! Go, Susan! Go, Susan! Go, Susan!

0:25:500:25:54

Will you people shut the hell up?!

0:25:540:25:58

# He's got the very angry lady...

0:25:590:26:01

# In his hands

0:26:010:26:04

# He's got a very angry lady in his hands, he's got... #

0:26:040:26:08

What is wrong with you?

0:26:100:26:11

Sister Brenda, did you never hear about the vow of silence?

0:26:110:26:15

And you, Captain Anecdote,

0:26:150:26:18

nobody gives a rat's arse about Chano De-bloody-minguez!

0:26:180:26:23

And as for you, you are going to die one day.

0:26:230:26:27

Live with it!

0:26:270:26:29

Ladies and gentlemen, the blood tests have come back negative. You are free to go.

0:26:300:26:35

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:350:26:38

I have never been more attracted to you than I am right now.

0:26:380:26:44

And we're all enjoying the flamenco evening when who should I bump into?

0:26:490:26:54

No, not Chano Dominguez.

0:26:540:26:57

Alfredo Cortez, the champion bullfighter.

0:26:570:27:01

He used his sword to slice my chorizo.

0:27:010:27:04

Hello? Hello?

0:27:040:27:07

I told you not to fiddle with it!

0:27:080:27:09

I did not fiddle with it!

0:27:090:27:11

Ooh!

0:27:110:27:12

-You're an idiot!

-Sorry...sorry...

0:27:120:27:14

This is terrible weather for flying, and I read somewhere that most planes crash on the return leg.

0:27:170:27:22

-I'm telling you, Susan...

-THWACK!

0:27:220:27:24

He passed out again?

0:27:260:27:28

Yep.

0:27:280:27:30

So, what do you think? Not bad for 20 quid, huh?

0:27:330:27:36

We're never going to get away with it.

0:27:370:27:40

It looks nothing like the old one.

0:27:400:27:42

What? It's...similar.

0:27:420:27:44

In that it's a clock.

0:27:440:27:45

BEN AND SUSAN CHEER

0:27:450:27:47

-Hi!

-Oh, welcome back. How was the holiday?

0:27:470:27:49

Yes, good, great, great, yeah... We actually got on for a change.

0:27:490:27:53

We barely left the hotel room.

0:27:530:27:55

-Ugh.

-And here's a cheque for £3,000 for you two.

0:27:550:27:59

I'm sorry?

0:27:590:28:00

Because of what happened we were reimbursed for the whole trip.

0:28:000:28:04

Yeah, about that. We didn't...

0:28:040:28:06

Really, really, really appreciate it. Thanks, Mum.

0:28:060:28:09

-Ah, ah, ah, and Dad too!

-And thanks, Dad!

0:28:090:28:12

I could have kept that money for myself, you know.

0:28:120:28:15

-In fact he tried to.

-Come on, let's go and unpack, senorita.

-Si, senor!

0:28:150:28:19

ALARM SOUNDS, CUCKOO NOISE

0:28:190:28:23

-Michael!

-Janey!

0:28:270:28:30

Subtitles by Red Media Ltd

0:28:560:28:58

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0:28:580:28:59

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