Harper vs Harper My Family

With Kenzo's parents' evening coming up, I might ask Dad or Michael to come.

Janey, how many times have we been though this?

It's fine to go on your own.

There's nothing wrong with being a single mother.

Oh, I know, I know,

but it can't hurt to show that Kenzo's got a mature, positive male influence in his life.

No, you hang up.

No, you hang up.

You first.

OK, we'll both hang up on three.

One,

two,

three.

You didn't hang up!

Roger, what happened?!

Oh! I was just smelling the sweet aroma of a geranium in the park,

when to my misfortune I stumbled across a bee

that happened to be collecting pollen from it.

I was already a bit disoriented.

I had just had a rather delicious ice cream, you see,

and as a result, I had a bit of brain-freeze.

Anyway, after the bee startled me, I stumbled back into the "space"

a street theatre group were rehearsing in.

It must have been some sort of improvisational youth aggression piece

because they proceeded to set about me.

If that moron parks in front of my drive once more,

I shall take his fake residents' parking permit

and stick it in the empty space where his tax disc should be!

No, you hang up!

No, I hang up!

Single mother it is then.

Don't forget we have plans for Friday night.

Oh, let's just skip it, Susan.

-You don't even know what you'd be skipping.

-What? Course I do.

Well?

It's the...

-thing.

-You're unbelievable.

We have an anniversary celebration.

Of course, I remember.

Eh, how could I forget the anniversary

of the greatest day of my life?

Not ours.

No, not ours.

It's George and Lillian's 60th wedding anniversary.

How could you not remember? We go every year.

I block things out, Susan.

It's how I survive.

I think the fact that they celebrate their love after so many years is incredibly romantic.

Can you imagine being married 60 years?

God no!

Listen, I'm not asking you to be a good father. It's too late for that.

All I'm asking is that you try to be a good husband and be more involved in our life as a couple.

Listen, I have given you everything over the last 30 years, Susan.

-Do you remember the Amalfi Coast trip?

-We didn't go.

-We... What?

You moaned so much, I cancelled it.

Really? I could have sworn we had a terrible time.

Look, just be ready on Friday night to go at 7:30.

-I'm not going.

-What?

-I'm not going.

-They're my godparents, for crying out loud.

Why can't you do this one little thing for me?

-I always do little things for you. I just don't make a fuss when I do them.

-Name one.

If I could, I'd be making a fuss.

So, you're never there when I need you.

-We always do things I hate.

-You're selfish.

-You're unreasonable!

-What's got into you? Are you drunk?

-It's nine in the morning!

-Answer the question!

-I mean, I don't know what's got into the woman.

-Ow!

I mean, you know, I've given her my life, I've given her three children.

-Aah!

-What am I left with?

Probing around in the abyss of people's rancid gobs.

Aaah!

It is just one evening.

Perhaps it'll be fun.

Are you taking her side?

No, no, no! I'm on your side. Please don't get upset.

PHONE RINGS

-This will just take a minute.

-Oh, thank God!

-Hello, Susan.

-Oh, no!

There is no way I am apologising and I can't talk now, I'm with a patient.

-Just let her prattle on.

-'What?!'

Nothing. Go ahead. I'm listening.

'I think one of us should apologise.'

Mmm, I agree.

'When I said one of us, I meant you.'

Susan, there is no way I am going to apologise.

Ow! That really hurts.

-Sorry.

-'That's all I wanted to hear.'

-Not you, Susan! Mr Harris.

And I am not going to the party.

'You're going if I have to drag your dead body.'

Then I'll be out of my misery!

Aaargh!

Hello, Ben.

-Argh!

-Oh, hello, Mr Harris. Sorry to interrupt, I have big news.

I've got a date this weekend.

-With a woman?

-Yes!

The long walk through the desert of loneliness is almost over.

It's been a year since Abi left.

And two years since I've been intimate with anybody.

Thank for sharing that image, Roger. Now, would you please go away.

I want to get rid of Mr Harris so I can deal with my wife.

Perhaps your colleague could finish up?

I mean, you are under an extreme amount of stress.

Yes, OK, good point, yeah.

-Roger, do you mind?

-Oh, not at all.

I'm so excited.

Her name is Fiona. She is wonderful.

My heart is racing.

Oh, look at my hands! They're shaking!

I've had enough! What's wrong with you people?!

What's the matter with him? I'm just angry with my wife and he's just a bad dentist.

Hey! Bring that... Bring the bib back!

There's no point in dragging this out. Just admit you're wrong and we can both go to sleep.

If I thought for one minute I was wrong, I would.

-What about our rule?

-What rule?

About never going to bed angry.

Yeah, whatever. Just go to sleep.

-So we're going to bed angry?

-Apparently so.

-Normally, one of us at least fakes an apology so we can both go to sleep.

-Here's a thought...

What if we just don't bother?

We've never crossed that line before, you know that. It doesn't feel right.

Oh, don't start getting superstitious on me now. Just go to sleep.

-Fine.

-Fine.

-Fine!

-Fine!

Thank God we're not superstitious.

This is the Dream Slumber.

1,400 pocket springs to provide comfort and support.

Oh!

Just testing it for bounce-ability.

Why don't you give it the fart and snore test?

I don't snore.

I don't like this bed.

What? What's wrong with this? This is brilliant.

Oh, now this one...

-this one I like.

-Oh, yeah.

Well, of course you do, it's hard, it's unforgiving.

No wonder you like it.

-We'll take it.

-No, we're not.

I am not sleeping on this mattress.

Wow. I'll be comfortable, and you won't be there.

That's a win-win situation.

You're not having your own way. I'll be sleeping on 50% of this bed.

Ha! That'll be the day.

I've been sleeping on 20% of the mattress for years.

-With 90% of the duvet.

-We're buying this bed!

-No, we're not!

-Excuse me, could I offer an alternative?

We have a bed called the Tender-Nite Twin.

It has two separate mattresses, one firm, one soft,

that can be zipped and linked together.

Oh, right, well, we'll have a look at that, shall we?

Oh.

Yep, I like this.

Ooh, I like this.

And they can be linked together as one bed.

Or we could just keep them apart.

-Single beds, you mean?

-Why not?

-It would solve a lot of problems.

-Yeah.

Just put a bed-side table in-between.

-Fine. Who gets the drawer?

-Me.

-Why you?

-All right, we'll have one each.

-One either side.

-Mmm-hmm.

So what do we put in the middle?

-How about a wall?

-What are you suggesting?

-One moves into Michael's room.

-Separate bedrooms?

-Separate bedrooms.

-Fine.

-Fine.

-Fine.

Fine.

And there are no payments until next year.

Why do I have to move into Michael's room?

You're the man, the man moves out.

But it's smaller. You're smaller, you'll fit into it.

-You're being ridiculous.

-No, you're being ridiculous!

-What would it take to get you to shut up?

-You shutting up first!

-This bickering is driving me insane!

-Well, that's the first thing we've agreed on in weeks.

I can't stand this any more!

You know what I need? I need not to see your stupid face for a while.

Good, suits me. Won't have to see your stupid face either.

Then perhaps a couple of days apart will do us both good.

-What are you saying? Separate houses?

-We can't go on like this. We need a break.

-Three days?

-Four days.

-Make it a week.

-Good idea.

-Hi, Mum.

-Hey, Dad. Mum.

-What are you two doing here?

Don't you remember? We said we'd come over Sundays, so we don't lose touch.

And what's the reason you come over the other six days?

-We love you.

-And we get hungry.

-Now's not a good time.

-Why, what's going on?

Your father and I are taking a break from each other.

We've been doing nothing but bicker for the last few weeks.

-So you're separating?

-No, no, no, we're just taking a little break.

-I'm pretty sure that's separating.

-No, no, no.

We're just not going to live together for a little while.

-No, that's definitely separating.

-Afraid so.

Is that what do you think?

Is that what...

-we're doing?

-Is that what you want?

I don't know. It's what YOU want.

I don't know, I don't care either.

Fine. Well, if that's what you want, then that's what we're doing.

-Fine.

-Fine.

-So where are you going, Dad?

-Why does everyone assume it's me that's moving out?

Well, I'm not leaving, I've made a home here.

And you... What? And I haven't?

Come on, this place is full of memories for me.

Kids, how many times have we sat there in front of that fire

on a cold winter's night with you on my knee, cuddled up and... Fine! I'll go!

KNOCKING

Be right there! Don't you go away!

KNOCKING

My God, she's as eager as I am!

KNOCKING

Hello, my darling!

-Hello, dear.

-Ben? Ben?

What are you doing here?

-I need a place to sleep.

-I don't mean to be rude, but you can't stay.

It's my big date tonight. It's all systems go.

Well, you carry on. You won't even notice me.

It's been two years, Ben.

Please, just let me have tonight.

Just go, just go!

Oh, right. Well, I've been cast out of my own home

and the long and winding road of despair naturally led me

to my best mate, Roger.

Best mate.

Good old Roger.

Am I really your best mate?

That's what I thought.

All right.

-You can stay.

-Got any crisps? KNOCKING

-That's Fiona!

-Good, carry on.

You won't even notice me.

Here's to the most beautiful woman,

whose eyes sparkle...

whose smile gives me goose bumps,

-whose hair...

-Yes! No! Hit the post, two yards out!

Oh, you two are missing a great game here.

Ben, please. We're trying to have a nice quiet dinner.

Sorry, yep, not even here.

Now then, where were we?

Maybe I should go.

But it's our big night.

-Oh, it's OK, we can do it another evening.

-Oh!

You should be with your friend right now.

He needs your support.

I do hope things work out with you and your wife, Ben.

Thanks, thanks, Fiona.

Rog, can't believe that bloke didn't score. It was wide open for him.

Bye, girls, thanks for coming.

-Hello, darling!

-Hi, Mum.

-Come join the party.

-OK.

I thought you might need a shoulder to cry on,

but you seem to be doing fine.

I certainly am.

Everyone, this is my daughter, Janey.

-ALL: Hi, Janey.

-Hi.

Janey, these are some of my closest friends who you've never met because they didn't like your father.

-Nice to meet you all.

-Come and have a drink.

OK. Mum...

-it's so weird to have smiling people in the house.

-Tell me about it.

And this is just the overflow.

You can't move in the kitchen.

I wonder what Dad's up to.

Who cares? He's probably ruining someone else's life.

-Cheers, darling!

-Cheers, Mum!

TOILET FLUSHING

That's the last of the dead fish.

What would make you unplug an aquarium?

Oh, Roger, I had to charge my phone somehow.

Goodnight, Ben.

GLASS CLATTERING

-Oh, hello.

-Hello.

Been thinking about anything?

Like an apology? Nope, haven't. Have you?

Nope. Can't say I have.

-Fine.

-Fine.

-Good.

-Fine...

I mean good.

You know, now that we've separated,

I think you should knock before you come into the house.

Now that we're separated, I don't have to care what do you think.

What are you doing here?

I might ask you the same question. It's my night, remember?

That's what we agreed, we share the house 50-50.

I thought you might do the gentlemanly thing and let me stay.

Isn't that funny, all these years together and you don't even know me yet.

Yes, I do.

-I've packed a bag.

-Oh, good.

Drowning your sorrows, I see.

I had a little party last night to celebrate my freedom.

Mmm-hmm, don't tell me,

bunch of bitter women whingeing on about who has the worst husband.

Is this a limbo set?

-I won, by the way.

-Yeah?

Well, Roger and I had a bit of a party last night.

Yes, I heard you killed his fish.

God, that guy has to Tweet everything.

Right, I'm off.

Would it be too presumptuous to ask what I'm having for my tea?

-There's a bottle of bleach under the sink. Knock yourself out.

-Thank you.

-DOOR SLAMS

-Ben?!

Up here.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS

Thanks, Roger, thanks for coming.

-Your call sounded urgent.

-Yeah,

I'm in a bit of a situation here, Rog, that I can't handle on my own.

-It's a bit too much for one man.

-Well, you can always count on me.

Can I, Roger? Can I really?

-Absolutely.

-Thank you, thank you.

-OK, grab an end.

-What?

The mattress, we've got to take it downstairs, we're getting a new one delivered.

But, I thought you wanted to talk?

Talk? Talk?! Why would I want to talk to you?

I've left someone in the middle of a root canal for this!

-Stop whining.

-But, he's under anaesthetic.

Well, we'd better hurry then!

Now, move, move, come on.

No, no, no, no, no, this won't work, won't work, I'm going backwards.

OK, you carry on, OK.

-To me.

-Left!

-Oh, right.

-Left! Yep, yeah, go on.

Slow down, Ben! Slow down!

Take the weight.

-To me.

-Come on, Rog, come on!

-OK! OK, I've got it. To you, to you a bit. Yep.

-Good boy, good boy.

-To me.

-Yep, move it, move it right.

-Oh, Ben...

-What?

-We're just like the Chuckle Brothers!

-The who?

The Chuckle Brothers, they're on CBBC.

Oh, get a life, Roger, get a life.

-Move it right, move it right.

-Your right or my right?

Just move it to your right.

-Well, that's my left!

-Pull it, Roger, just pull it!

-I don't think you've got it at all, Ben!

-Come on, Rog, pull. Pull. Pull.

PHONE RINGS Hang on, why's someone ringing...

Hello?

Hello?

No, but we've waited two...

Oh, not another two weeks for the mattress, please! Right, OK, fine.

All right, Roger...

back up.

Help...me...Ben.

I really appreciate you letting me stay the night.

-It's no problem.

-Feel free to stay as long as you like.

Of course, it's...just for tonight though, right?

Yes, Michael. Don't worry.

I've sheltered you in my womb for nine months,

gave you a home for 20 years, but I don't want you to put yourself out.

Is there something I can find for you?

What happened to the daisy-patterned plates I got you?

Oh, those were for everyday?

We were saving them for a special occasion.

Oh, here they are, right at the back.

You know, you should make this table the focal point of the room.

Otherwise, your eye goes directly to that throw,

which I think would make a much better table cloth.

-Susan...

-Not now, Scott. When she's in this mood you might lose an arm.

You two are young,

you have to think outside the box when you're decorating.

Mum, you don't have to do this.

It's my pleasure.

You see, even this chair is in the wrong place.

You see, the energy has to come through the door

and disperse evenly throughout the space.

You two should let me come over and Feng Shui this place.

Trust me, if there's one thing in this room that shouldn't be here, it throws everything off.

You don't say.

For example,

where do you think you should stick this yucca?

(Michael, no.)

-Ben?

-Umm.

Ben.

OK, boys, let's have one for the road, eh?

Whoa! Oh, hi, Susan.

-Had a little party last night?

-Um, ha!

Yeah, we had a little, um, well, I wouldn't call it little.

It certainly wasn't a Chinese takeaway.

Well, clean up your mess. It's my turn to stay here.

-Yeah.

-And if you call, don't expect me to be around.

-It's the anniversary party tonight.

-Well, have fun.

I assume you're still not going?

-Are you kidding? I'll still have a hangover.

-Fine.

Whoa, yeah, baby, what a night.

Little tip, Ben.

Next time you throw a pretend party, use someone else's underwear.

These are mine.

Oh, and that's my lipstick on your collar.

I want you now.

I think there's something I need to admit to you. Um...

It's been a long time since I've been intimate with anyone and, er,

I'm a little bit worried about tonight.

Oh, relax, Roger, it's just like riding a bike.

I can't ride a bike.

-Then it's just like swimming.

-No.

What can you do?

I can do a passable Frank Spencer.

-Who?

-Michael Crawford?

-AS FRANK SPENCER:

-Hee-hee-ooh-ooh!

-Could you not?

-All right, but it's your loss.

KNOCKING

KNOCKING CONTINUES

No!

Roger, come on. I've nowhere else to go.

What about Michael or Janey's?

-They haven't got cable.

-Tonight's the night, it's me and Fiona.

Oh, right, good, well... Hi, Fiona.

-Sorry, hope I'm not interrupting.

-Oh, not at all, Ben.

-It's nice to see you.

-Yes, yes, Ben.

It's a lovely surprise.

Very nasty weather out there.

-Yes. It is, isn't it? Yes, yes.

-Yes.

Yes. Look, I don't want this to be awkward, but Fiona and I are going to excuse ourselves.

-Oh, really?

-Yes.

Ah, OK, yes, for... Pretend I'm not here.

Oh...

Roger, there's nothing in the fridge.

Roger?

Is there anything? I'm starving.

Ooh, Betty, I'm having a bit of trouble.

I've just lost my appetite.

-Dad?

-Janey.

-Dad...

-What are you two doing here?

-Dad, we need to talk. It's important.

-It's about you and Mum.

Oh, I know kids, I know, I know it's difficult for you that Mum and I have separated, but you know, hey...

It's not your fault, all right?

Well, it's partly your fault because were quite happy before you came along.

Look, Dad, you can't just throw it away, OK?

You and Mum, you're meant to be together.

Your love's too strong, your bond's too deep.

-Also, we can't have her over all the time.

-It's a living nightmare.

Yeah, I'm sure, but I...

I'm thinking of giving up my part of the house, letting your mother have the house full-time.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Wow.

Then that stuff we just said about you and mum? Forget it.

-Que sera sera.

-Yeah.

Hang on, I'm going to have to spend a few weeks with each of you in turn.

But you and mum are soul mates.

-You two belong together.

-I mean, mum may seem really, really, really happy now, but deep down she isn't.

-She's lost without you.

-She's at that anniversary party right now.

You need to get down there and fight for your marriage.

Michael, really, I do have my pride, OK?

Until your mother apologises to me in person, there's no way on

this earth that I will be even in the same room as that woman.

# The power of the music of the night... #

Oh, Frank!

I'm doing this for you kids, OK? Come on.

It would work a lot better if you brought a shovel and a bag.

I'm just a bit peckish.

That's what 30 years of your cooking does to a man.

Hello, Ben.

-Hello, Susan.

-What are you doing here?

-Free world, I can do whatever I want.

-Typical.

When I wanted you to come, you wouldn't.

Now, I don't want you here, you're here. I think you should leave.

Excuse me, you're not my boss anymore. I'm single, OK.

And word gets around, the stallion's out of the paddock.

Look at your friend over there, checking me out.

Samantha's got a detached retina, Ben.

She thinks you're the chocolate fountain.

Hello, George.

Ben!

Susan said you weren't coming.

We were afraid we'd ordered too much shrimp.

Oh, no, fine, it's fine.

60 years, eh, George?

That's quite an accomplishment.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

I cherish every morning I wake up with Lillian.

I'm sure. At your age, George,

I imagine you cherish every morning you wake up.

Um... But 60 years.

I mean, you know, that's quite an achievement. How do you do it?

Well, it's easy.

We're friends, we're companions.

-We share a wide range of activities together.

-Oh, yeah.

Eh, eh, George, activities, eh, eh?

If that kitchen table could only talk.

Go on.

Well, the other week Lillian made a cracking plum chutney.

Is that code for something?

Oh, yes.

Canasta, Bridge and cribbage.

Yes, but on your honeymoon night?

Well, you have to remember it was 1950,

and Canasta was considered quite exotic.

Lillian, let me ask you something.

How do you patch things up after a blazing row?

Oh, but we never argue.

-Not once?

-Not really.

We always find there's nothing that can't be solved

with a nice cup of tea and a fresh Jaffa Cake.

George, surely you must argue?

No, no, not really.

Oh, there was that one time when Lillian wanted me to take the M4

and I wanted to stay on the A40.

That was a hell of a hullabaloo, I can tell you.

He's always been very generous in the bedroom.

Yes, I have to admit, Ben's like that.

He brings me up a cup of cocoa every night.

Oh, no, Ben's not like that.

Excuse me, I think George wants to dance.

Yeah, that's lovely, lovely.

Lovely. Heart warming sight, eh?

-Yes, sweet. Young love.

-Yes, what a testament to cod liver oil.

-Yes.

-They seem so happy.

-Mmm, I know.

-And so boring.

-I know, did you get that too?

I know we have our problems.

You make me angry, you frustrate me, you beat me down at times. But you're never, never boring.

I know, I know. You infuriate me, you rub me up the wrong way, but you know my darling, life is never dull.

-God, I've missed you these past few days.

-I've missed you too.

We have something they don't have.

-Functioning bladders.

-Yes. No, passion!

-Passion, passion.

We have to recognise that we are what we are and I love you in spite of all your faults.

Your many...many...many...

Yes, thank you, all right, OK, OK.

-Let's go home.

-Let's go home. I just want you to know now,

it's just you and me, Susan.

And I will never ever leave your side.

Ooh, chocolate cake!

-How do you feel?

-Oh, fantastic.

-You?

-Ah, what?

Well, that's the best ever.

These pocket springs are so supportive.

I can't believe there are no payments until next year.

I know, it's brilliant!

-Hate you.

-Hate you too.

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