Relationship Happens My Family


Relationship Happens

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Transcript


LineFromTo

I see you found the brochure, then.

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Look, I'm not really worried about going bald, all right?

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I just wanted to investigate the...cost of hair plugs.

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-Ben, this is a brochure about a Couples Retreat.

-It...

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BEN LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

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Did you like my joke about the hair loss clinic?

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I thought it was a really funny thing to say, since I'm not really going bald,

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I mean, I've got a full head of hair, you know...

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it's full...head, of hair, and, eh,

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hence the joke about the nonexistent brochure

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which I invented solely for the purposes of the...ahem, joke.

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-It's a good joke, Ben.

-Thank you. Thank you.

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I think we should go on one of these Couples Retreat weekends.

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They're all about finding shared activities to keep a marriage fresh.

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Isn't that what this bed's for?

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I said SHARED activities.

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And don't even think about saying no to this.

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You bought a new car last week, so we're going, OK?

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-I hate you.

-That's Ben for "Yes," isn't it?

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Have you seen my bookmark?

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It's in your bedside drawer. Underneath the hair loss brochure.

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Nice with Mum and Dad off on that course, isn't it?

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If you took them out of the equation, we'd never have had to move out.

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True. I'm glad we did, though. I love the independence.

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Me too. More free toast?

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Don't mind if I do.

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What I enjoy most about Dad not being here,

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is I can finish a sentence without someone insulting me.

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It's like my opinion actually counts.

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I can formulate thoughts and articulate them...

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-Shut up, Mikey.

-Thanks.

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We shouldn't feel guilty sponging off them.

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They go away knowing two responsible adults are looking after the house.

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Hey, guys. You know the front door is wide open?

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-Hey, Matt.

-You left your watch at my place last night.

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Ah, the classic, "Leave something behind so you have to see each other again."

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Janey, we've been seeing each other for a while.

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We don't need to play stupid, little games to see each other again.

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-I also wanted to talk to you about tonight...

-God, you're leaving me!

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-No! I just wanted to check you're still up for clubbing?

-Oh, yeah. Of course!

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Oh, God, it's been ages since I went dancing.

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-Why don't you come with us?

-She can't. She's got Kenzo.

-No, I don't.

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-He's with his dad tonight.

-Then she's sick.

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-No, I'm not!

-Oh, come on, it'll be fun! See you about eight.

-Great.

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Sounds cool(!)

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And I'll shut the door on the way out.

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-You really can't take a hint, can you?

-Yes, I can, I'm not an idiot.

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Right. So you'll be "washing your hair" tonight, then?

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No, I washed it this morning. I'm coming clubbing with you, stupid!

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"Help keep your marriage fresh." Oh, that's what they do here, is it?

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What is this, a fantasy camp?

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Do you want to get into the spirit of this, or be brutally murdered in the Garden Of Tranquillity?

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It's a chance to take stock of our marriage and correct things.

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-We're only here for the weekend.

-Ben!

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Marriage is a time bomb, Susan.

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For some reason, our particular bomb has never exploded,

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don't ask me why it's never exploded

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but let's not mess with the wiring now, shall we?

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Welcome, welcome. I'm Robin Tyler, director of the retreat.

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And I'm Ben Harper, retreating from the director.

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We try to avoid sarcasm here. It can be damaging to a marriage.

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That ship sailed years ago.

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Now, if you'd like to pick three bonding activities,

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I'll see you later in the Holistic Centre

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for a healthy lunch of beans and pulses.

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Pulses?

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That brutally murdered thing is now sounding quite attractive.

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-Just pick an activity.

-Ooh, look, here's one!

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-"Getting In The Car And Going."

-You know what?

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We'll never agree. Let's just close our eyes and hope for the best.

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-I'm pretty sure that's how we ended up with Nick.

-Meditation. Yesss!

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-Your turn.

-Please, Sleep Therapy, Sleep Therapy, Sleep Therapy...

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Pottery. That's great.

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I can build a nice, big pot and bash my brains in with it(!)

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Ooh, whoo-ho, that sounds a bit raunchy, Marital Arts.

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No, no, it says, "Martial Arts," dumbo!

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OK, either way, we get to hit each other, right?

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Let's get to the Holistic Centre.

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I'm not drunk!

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I just didn't like having to share a taxi with so many people.

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Janey, we caught the bus!

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That club was so loud. I think I've gone deaf!

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You all right, Mike? Do you want a drink or something?

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No, but I could use a drink or something.

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Man, your sister blowing that whistle at the start of every song, didn't you love that?

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-Yeah, I just loved that.

-I'm starving! Have you got any food?

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-You hungry, Mike?

-Yeah.

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-I'll get nachos.

-No, no, I hate those.

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Get nachos!

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How could you invite her clubbing?

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She's like the offspring of a wind-up toy and a dancing Santa.

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'Hey, Mikey, you might be deaf, but I'm not!'

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See? She's fun.

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And how does she know the words to every single Kylie song?

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I have never felt less gay.

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Are you ready, are you ready, boys? Cos it's nacho-clock!

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That was a lot funnier in the kitchen.

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OK, so what are we watching?

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-Does she never take the hint?

-Oh, lighten up, Mike.

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-Be right with you, hon. Just going to use your loo.

-OK.

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-Janey?

-Yeah?

-I don't want to be rude, but is there any way you could...

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Ah, say no more, Mike, OK. I'm way ahead of you.

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Three Tequila Slammers coming right up.

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Whoo-ooh!

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-Oh! Ah!

-DOOR BANGS

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How are you feeling?

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It's weird, despite all those Tequila Slammers, I feel great.

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-I even went for a run, I feel fantastic.

-Really?

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Cos when I left you last night, you were face down on the sofa,

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fast asleep, with your hand in a bowl of nachos.

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What can I say? I feel fine, now.

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-Well, you know why that is, don't you?

-Why?

-Because you're dreaming.

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Come on, Michael. I think I'd know if I were dreaming.

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Then why am I going out with a fridge?

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And why is that fridge now wearing...

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a cowboy hat?

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That doesn't prove I'm dreaming.

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Janey, I'm also being nice to you.

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So what does that tell you?

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Oh, NO!

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Oh, no!

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JANEY PANTS

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Water.

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Water!

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No! Bed, then water.

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Mummy!

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(Oh!) I feel like the entire cast of Stomp

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are banging dustbins around in my head.

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Hmmm.

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Listen, Mikey, I'm...sorry if I outstayed my welcome last night.

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Don't worry. You weren't welcome in the first place.

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OK, there's only one aspirin left. How bad is your hangover?

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My hangover's not the problem.

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-What do you mean?

-Matt dumped me.

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Mike, that's terrible.

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I don't get it, what reason did he give?

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I don't want to talk about it.

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No, I understand.

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JANEY SIGHS

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So what was it? Did he find you too clingy?

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Please, Janey. I don't want to talk about it.

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Sorry. Besides, you're not too clingy, that's crazy.

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Thank you?

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And if Matt can't handle that weird, slightly robotic, distant thing you do, then that's his loss.

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Would you just shut up?!

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If you must know, he didn't say I was too clingy.

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-He didn't say any of that.

-So what reason did he give?

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He didn't give a reason. He just said it wasn't my fault.

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Come here. Listen, I know all about the pain of being dumped, OK.

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I've done it to a thousand guys. So if there's anything you want,

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anything at all, just let me know. OK? I'm here for you.

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It's just so sudden. I don't know what I've done wrong.

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JANEY'S PHONE RINGS

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No, no, you're my priority. Go on.

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I feel like he never even gave what we had a chance.

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That's good, go on.

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We were good together. And...

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I guess...the thing I'm going to miss the most -

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I'm sorry, I can't do it!

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Hoo.

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Hiy! Cha-ka!

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Cha-ka cha-ka! Woo woo! Cha-ka!

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Woo-yaka! Chak chak doo doo!

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The hand is quicker than the eye, Susan.

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You are looking at Chiswick's answer to Bruce Lee. Woo woo, choo!

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Bruce Forsyth, more like.

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Martial arts is not about aggression,

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it is about controlling your aggression.

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Hear that, Susan?

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I'm going to take you down to Injury Town,

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taking a left at Agony Avenue and dropping you off

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at P-P-Pain Station. Boo cha!

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-Ben?

-Sorry, yes?

-That is the exact opposite of what I just said.

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OK. Sorry, Rob.

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You are going out like a candle in a hurricane, baby.

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Woo, cha-ka cha-ka! Whoo!

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Hi, Janey. You all right?

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Ugh, this hangover's really catching up with me.

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-So, I guess you heard about Mikey and I?

-Yeah.

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I'm sorry it didn't work out with you guys.

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He'll be back in a bit, just gone to get a DVD.

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It was actually you I came to see.

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Me?

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Oh, I see.

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Matt, Matt, Matt.

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You're not the first guy who thinks he's gay,

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then meets me and realises he's straight.

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Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm flattered,

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but I can't break another formerly gay, man's heart.

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Janey, I was only going to ask if you wanted to stay friends?

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Oh. I knew that!

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I had such fun hanging out with you,

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and just cos Mikey and I didn't work out, there's no reason

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why you and I can't be friends, is there?

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-Of course not. We have fun together.

-Great!

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It's none of my business, but why didn't it work with Mike?

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-Chemistry, really.

-You either click or you don't!

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No, he kept going on about chemistry!

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Oh! Ah, ah, ah! Oh!

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Pretty pathetic.

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Being beaten up by your own wife.

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You fought dirty!

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I was just abiding by the rules.

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Martial arts are ancient and noble.

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There is nothing ancient and noble about sitting on my head,

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tickling me and giving me a wedgy!

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I've never felt so humiliated in my life!

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Agh! Ah!

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And though it pains me to admit it

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and I am in considerable pain at the moment...

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you did well.

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Yeah, OK, I admire you. The best person won.

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How hard did I hit you?!

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So this thing tonight is an aftershow party?

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Matt, I will not get all starry.

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It's not like Leonardo DiCaprio's going to be there.

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Leonardo DiCaprio's going to be there?!

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I need to pick an outfit and hyperventilate until I pass out!

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See you later, bye.

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So, how about a DVD evening tonight?

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Oh, I'd love to, but I'm out.

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Can't you cancel?

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Matt's dumped me, I could use the company.

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Go on, I've rented that Bette Midler movie, Beaches.

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Ooh, I can't.

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-Why not?

-I don't...like that film.

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OK, three things just told me you're lying.

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One - your eyes widened too much.

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Two - you hesitated before you said it,

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and three - there isn't a person on this planet

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who isn't moved by the touching story

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of a lifelong friendship, torn apart by fame

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and reunited by a tragic illness,

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all to the sound of the classic ballad, Wind Beneath My Wings!

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OK, fine, I was lying!

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-You're going to that party with Matt.

-No. What party?

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The one he originally invited me to, Janey!

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The one with DiCaprio and an ice rink made out of frozen champagne.

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And to go with my ex! How do you think that makes me feel?!

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-There's actually an ice rink made out of champagne?

-Not the point!

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Janey, you don't stay in touch with your brother's ex.

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You just don't do it. It's an unspoken rule.

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-I've never heard of it.

-That's because it's unspoken!

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Welcome to Positive Dynamics.

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The idea with this session is to focus

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on the strengths in your relationship.

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So to start with, I'd like each of you to write down ten things

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you love about your partner.

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This is a bit of a cod psychology, isn't it?

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-We love each other. What difference is this going to make?

-Ben, please.

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(Sorry.)

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BEN LAUGHS

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BEN WHISTLES

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We're off to the coffee bar. Do you want anything?

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Mmm...eight things I love about my wife.

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Nine for me.

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-Oh, hi!

-Hi!

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Is that what you're wearing?

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Didn't you get my message?

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No, I think I left my phone here. What message?

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I left one to say I can't make it. I'm really sorry.

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'Janey, what's wrong with the hot water?!'

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Give it a second, it'll warm up! If you want to look for your phone, do it while he's in the shower.

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-OK, cool.

-'It's not warming up! It went completely cold.

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-'Right in the middle of my bloody shower!'

-Get in the kitchen. Go.

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I mean, just because we don't live here any more,

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would it kill them to fix the boiler?

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It's like they don't want us to keep coming over.

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-Wait, where are you going?

-Er, the kitchen?

-Why?

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Well, let's see, I'm wearing a dressing gown

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and I'm soaking wet, so I was thinking of cooking a chicken.

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No, really, why are you going into the kitchen?

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To put the immersion heater on. And to see who you're hiding because I'm not an idiot!!

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It's Matt, isn't it?

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You invited him round here after I specifically asked you not to.

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I didn't. Look around. Do you see him?

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Well, of course he's not here now.

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The minute he heard me coming, he'd have gone out the back door, wouldn't he?

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He's not a moron.

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I kind of am.

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How dare you show up here?

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And you, you said you weren't going to the party with him.

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-I'm not.

-Then why was he hiding behind the door?!

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It's my fault.

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When I heard you coming downstairs, I lost my nerve, and I...

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I'm sorry, OK?

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-OK.

-Yes, I came to take Janey to the party,

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but that's not the only reason. I think I...

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Matt, stop.

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I don't want to make you beg.

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It's OK. I forgive you.

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The thing is, Mikey, I think I left my phone here.

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It's fine. The old leaving-something-behind trick. I'm glad you changed your mind about me.

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No really, it was just the phone.

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Oh, really. So where is this so-called phone then?

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Actually, it's over there.

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-I'll see you later, Janey.

-Bye.

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Sorry.

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Well...

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I suppose that could have been more humiliating.

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At least I'm not still wearing that... Oh, crap.

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Close your eyes, everyone.

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We're going to clear our minds now.

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This couples meditation class is all about relaxation.

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That's it, couples.

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Moments of stillness...

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these are the secret, yet essential ingredients

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in every successful marriage.

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Those soothing silences that indicate the ultimate level of comfort

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between you and your partner.

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Just embrace that silence for a moment.

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-Susan...

-Shh!

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I have to warn you, Susan.

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I am resisting a sudden and overwhelming urge to break wind.

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Ben, please, I'm trying to take this seriously.

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And breathe.

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Feel the air coursing out of your body.

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Don't hold it in, release it.

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He's giving me the green light, Susan.

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He's giving me the green light.

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Because it's so easy for the pressure to build up in your body,

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yet it's essential that you let it out.

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I'm only human, Susan. It's only a matter of time.

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-Please, Ben, I'm begging you.

-It's not my fault.

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-Put a cork in it.

-Oh, I wish.

-Oh, Ben! Stop it...in the name of mercy.

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I shouldn't have had those bean fritters for lunch.

0:21:340:21:39

And then release the air.

0:21:390:21:41

Feel it flowing out of your body like a great and powerful wind.

0:21:410:21:46

-Ah-hah-ha-ha-ha!

-Ha-ha-ha!

0:21:460:21:51

I'm so sorry, Robin, about my wife. I don't know what's got into her.

0:21:510:21:55

-You're ruining the experience. Why can't you contain yourselves?

-I have been trying.

-Right, that's it!

0:21:550:22:01

Get out! Pack your bags and go!

0:22:010:22:03

I don't know how you make that car-crash of a marriage work! The pair of you are so bloody childish!

0:22:030:22:08

-Come on, get up.

-OK.

-Come on, up. Get up.

0:22:080:22:12

Hey, you know that sudden and overwhelming urge that I had earlier?

0:22:120:22:16

I haven't got it now.

0:22:160:22:19

Oh, come on, Mikey, I said I was sorry.

0:22:320:22:36

-Can you just let it go?

-Let me ask you something.

0:22:360:22:41

How would you feel if I were to start hanging out with Ian Thurman?

0:22:410:22:45

-Who?

-You dated him for about eight months.

0:22:450:22:48

Be more specific.

0:22:480:22:51

You nearly moved in with him?

0:22:510:22:53

Nope.

0:22:530:22:54

-You were engaged for a week.

-It's not ringing a bell.

0:22:540:22:58

You know, the guy who... you're ruining my point!

0:22:580:23:01

What I'm saying is, if I were friends with him you'd be upset.

0:23:010:23:05

-Doesn't sound like it.

-How can I get this through to you?

0:23:050:23:10

Are you familiar with the phrase "blood is thicker than water"?

0:23:100:23:14

Oh, great. Another thing I haven't heard of.

0:23:140:23:19

It means you put your family first,

0:23:190:23:21

and you didn't because you're selfish.

0:23:210:23:24

Look, Mikey, I said I was sorry.

0:23:240:23:26

But if you're going to be a big baby why should I care what you think?

0:23:260:23:29

-What's does that mean?

-It means I'm an adult and I can pick my own friends.

0:23:290:23:33

So, if I want to hang out with Matt, I'll hang out with Matt.

0:23:330:23:36

You know, you're impossible!

0:23:360:23:38

There's no talking to you. You're just like Dad.

0:23:380:23:41

I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

0:23:410:23:45

Now you're just making them up!

0:23:450:23:47

-Hi, Janey.

-Hey, come in.

0:23:520:23:53

I can't believe you asked me to lunch. So, you're allowed to see me now?

0:23:530:23:57

-I can be friends with whoever I want.

-Nice.

0:23:570:24:00

Very adult. So I take it Mikey's not here, then?

0:24:000:24:03

Did he go to that computer fair?

0:24:030:24:04

I expect so. He likes to get there when it opens, in case there are bargains.

0:24:040:24:08

The early nerd catches the worm.

0:24:080:24:10

He needs a new personality not a new hard-drive.

0:24:100:24:14

It's like he came out of the womb in an anorak,

0:24:140:24:17

with a pair of binoculars and a train timetable.

0:24:170:24:20

-That's a bit harsh because he's not actually a train spotter.

-Fine.

0:24:200:24:25

But he's still a loser. And the way he dresses, he looks like a children's TV presenter.

0:24:250:24:29

Maybe. But he's still my brother.

0:24:290:24:33

That's not something to boast about. Anyway, I heard you slag him off.

0:24:330:24:36

-That's because I'm his sister, I'm allowed.

-Oh, come on.

0:24:360:24:39

-I won't have you talk about Michael like that.

-Because I pointed out he's a nerd?

0:24:390:24:43

Maybe he's a geek, but he's my brother, and I love him.

0:24:430:24:46

OK, OK, relax. Can we just go to lunch now?

0:24:460:24:49

No. You know what? You're not good enough for him

0:24:490:24:52

and you're not good enough for me either. I think you should go.

0:24:520:24:55

Hey, glad I found out you're as big a loser as he is.

0:24:550:24:59

Look, what you don't seem to understand is, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

0:24:590:25:04

-What?

-Just go!

0:25:040:25:06

Hey, how was your computer fair?

0:25:150:25:19

You know, Janey, I may have had my heart ripped out and stomped on,

0:25:190:25:22

but at least I picked up a Dual Gaming Device to PC Converter

0:25:220:25:26

for a fraction of the retail price.

0:25:260:25:28

Thank God. I was worried sick.

0:25:280:25:31

So, when are you seeing Matt again?

0:25:310:25:34

Whenever I like. I told you.

0:25:340:25:37

-So you're going to see him later today, then?

-Might do.

0:25:370:25:40

-Janey, I heard you having a go at Matt.

-Oh.

0:25:400:25:45

-Did you mean all that stuff you said?

-Yeah, I did.

0:25:450:25:48

I just want to let you know it meant a lot to me.

0:25:480:25:51

Yeah, well, I really do... you know...you.

0:25:510:25:57

Cool. Cool.

0:25:570:25:58

And just so you know...I really... you know...you too.

0:25:580:26:05

-So, tell me about this thing you bought.

-Oh, yeah. It's amazing.

0:26:070:26:10

I mean, you just hot-plug it into your PC USB port,

0:26:100:26:13

and as long as you've got a 64-bit operating system it'll install the drivers automatically.

0:26:130:26:17

-You don't need a disk.

-That's brilliant(!) I'll just pop my head in the oven.

0:26:170:26:22

-You couldn't resist, could you?

-What?

0:26:240:26:26

Can't we just once have a conversation where we're not rude or mean to each other?

0:26:260:26:30

Yeah, of course we can.

0:26:300:26:32

-So...

-So...

0:26:380:26:40

-Mum and Dad back later?

-Uh-huh.

0:26:430:26:45

-It's cold today.

-Wasn't it?

0:26:500:26:52

-Meant to rain later.

-So they say.

0:26:550:26:58

So they say.

0:27:020:27:04

Yup.

0:27:050:27:07

Bit of the old...rain.

0:27:070:27:11

-Can we go back to being rude?

-I thought you'd never ask, you dreary, desperate imbecile.

0:27:110:27:17

JANEY SIGHS

0:27:170:27:20

-Too much?

-Well, a bit.

0:27:200:27:23

You know, darling, I'm glad we got kicked out of that Couples Retreat.

0:27:250:27:29

Yeah, we don't need things like that to keep our marriage fresh.

0:27:290:27:33

I pledge to you now, my darling, that I shall never stop,

0:27:340:27:38

never stop finding new ways to annoy you.

0:27:380:27:41

And I pledge to you,

0:27:410:27:42

my dearest love, that I will mock you mercilessly at every turn.

0:27:420:27:48

-At least we got something useful out of this weekend.

-What?

0:27:520:27:55

-These mugs we made.

-Oh, yes.

0:27:550:27:57

-Indeed we did.

-Yeah.

0:27:570:28:00

-From clay scraped off your very face.

-Yeah.

0:28:000:28:03

You know. These mugs symbolise our marriage.

0:28:050:28:09

They may not look pretty on the outside, my darling, but they work, they work.

0:28:090:28:15

And they'll go on working.

0:28:160:28:19

-Did yours leak over the duvet too?

-Yep.

0:28:220:28:25

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:470:28:50

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:500:28:53

Ben and Susan go off to a couples' retreat for a weekend - at which they prove to be less than ideal guests - leaving Janey and Michael vying for the affections of Michael's new boyfriend. But the triangle proves to be more Bermuda than eternal.


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