Relationship Happens My Family

I see you found the brochure, then.

Look, I'm not really worried about going bald, all right?

I just wanted to investigate the...cost of hair plugs.

-Ben, this is a brochure about a Couples Retreat.

-It...

BEN LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Did you like my joke about the hair loss clinic?

I thought it was a really funny thing to say, since I'm not really going bald,

I mean, I've got a full head of hair, you know...

it's full...head, of hair, and, eh,

hence the joke about the nonexistent brochure

which I invented solely for the purposes of the...ahem, joke.

-It's a good joke, Ben.

-Thank you. Thank you.

I think we should go on one of these Couples Retreat weekends.

They're all about finding shared activities to keep a marriage fresh.

Isn't that what this bed's for?

I said SHARED activities.

And don't even think about saying no to this.

You bought a new car last week, so we're going, OK?

-I hate you.

-That's Ben for "Yes," isn't it?

Have you seen my bookmark?

It's in your bedside drawer. Underneath the hair loss brochure.

Nice with Mum and Dad off on that course, isn't it?

If you took them out of the equation, we'd never have had to move out.

True. I'm glad we did, though. I love the independence.

Me too. More free toast?

Don't mind if I do.

What I enjoy most about Dad not being here,

is I can finish a sentence without someone insulting me.

It's like my opinion actually counts.

I can formulate thoughts and articulate them...

-Shut up, Mikey.

-Thanks.

We shouldn't feel guilty sponging off them.

They go away knowing two responsible adults are looking after the house.

Hey, guys. You know the front door is wide open?

-Hey, Matt.

-You left your watch at my place last night.

Ah, the classic, "Leave something behind so you have to see each other again."

Janey, we've been seeing each other for a while.

We don't need to play stupid, little games to see each other again.

-I also wanted to talk to you about tonight...

-God, you're leaving me!

-No! I just wanted to check you're still up for clubbing?

-Oh, yeah. Of course!

Oh, God, it's been ages since I went dancing.

-Why don't you come with us?

-She can't. She's got Kenzo.

-No, I don't.

-He's with his dad tonight.

-Then she's sick.

-No, I'm not!

-Oh, come on, it'll be fun! See you about eight.

-Great.

Sounds cool(!)

And I'll shut the door on the way out.

-You really can't take a hint, can you?

-Yes, I can, I'm not an idiot.

Right. So you'll be "washing your hair" tonight, then?

No, I washed it this morning. I'm coming clubbing with you, stupid!

"Help keep your marriage fresh." Oh, that's what they do here, is it?

What is this, a fantasy camp?

Do you want to get into the spirit of this, or be brutally murdered in the Garden Of Tranquillity?

It's a chance to take stock of our marriage and correct things.

-We're only here for the weekend.

-Ben!

Marriage is a time bomb, Susan.

For some reason, our particular bomb has never exploded,

don't ask me why it's never exploded

but let's not mess with the wiring now, shall we?

Welcome, welcome. I'm Robin Tyler, director of the retreat.

And I'm Ben Harper, retreating from the director.

We try to avoid sarcasm here. It can be damaging to a marriage.

That ship sailed years ago.

Now, if you'd like to pick three bonding activities,

I'll see you later in the Holistic Centre

for a healthy lunch of beans and pulses.

Pulses?

That brutally murdered thing is now sounding quite attractive.

-Just pick an activity.

-Ooh, look, here's one!

-"Getting In The Car And Going."

-You know what?

We'll never agree. Let's just close our eyes and hope for the best.

-I'm pretty sure that's how we ended up with Nick.

-Meditation. Yesss!

-Your turn.

-Please, Sleep Therapy, Sleep Therapy, Sleep Therapy...

Pottery. That's great.

I can build a nice, big pot and bash my brains in with it(!)

Ooh, whoo-ho, that sounds a bit raunchy, Marital Arts.

No, no, it says, "Martial Arts," dumbo!

OK, either way, we get to hit each other, right?

Let's get to the Holistic Centre.

I'm not drunk!

I just didn't like having to share a taxi with so many people.

Janey, we caught the bus!

That club was so loud. I think I've gone deaf!

You all right, Mike? Do you want a drink or something?

No, but I could use a drink or something.

Man, your sister blowing that whistle at the start of every song, didn't you love that?

-Yeah, I just loved that.

-I'm starving! Have you got any food?

-You hungry, Mike?

-Yeah.

-I'll get nachos.

-No, no, I hate those.

Get nachos!

How could you invite her clubbing?

She's like the offspring of a wind-up toy and a dancing Santa.

'Hey, Mikey, you might be deaf, but I'm not!'

See? She's fun.

And how does she know the words to every single Kylie song?

I have never felt less gay.

Are you ready, are you ready, boys? Cos it's nacho-clock!

That was a lot funnier in the kitchen.

OK, so what are we watching?

-Does she never take the hint?

-Oh, lighten up, Mike.

-Be right with you, hon. Just going to use your loo.

-OK.

-Janey?

-Yeah?

-I don't want to be rude, but is there any way you could...

Ah, say no more, Mike, OK. I'm way ahead of you.

Three Tequila Slammers coming right up.

Whoo-ooh!

-Oh! Ah!

-DOOR BANGS

How are you feeling?

It's weird, despite all those Tequila Slammers, I feel great.

-I even went for a run, I feel fantastic.

-Really?

Cos when I left you last night, you were face down on the sofa,

fast asleep, with your hand in a bowl of nachos.

What can I say? I feel fine, now.

-Well, you know why that is, don't you?

-Why?

-Because you're dreaming.

Come on, Michael. I think I'd know if I were dreaming.

Then why am I going out with a fridge?

And why is that fridge now wearing...

a cowboy hat?

That doesn't prove I'm dreaming.

Janey, I'm also being nice to you.

So what does that tell you?

Oh, NO!

Oh, no!

JANEY PANTS

Water.

Water!

No! Bed, then water.

Mummy!

(Oh!) I feel like the entire cast of Stomp

are banging dustbins around in my head.

Hmmm.

Listen, Mikey, I'm...sorry if I outstayed my welcome last night.

Don't worry. You weren't welcome in the first place.

OK, there's only one aspirin left. How bad is your hangover?

My hangover's not the problem.

-What do you mean?

-Matt dumped me.

Mike, that's terrible.

I don't get it, what reason did he give?

I don't want to talk about it.

No, I understand.

JANEY SIGHS

So what was it? Did he find you too clingy?

Please, Janey. I don't want to talk about it.

Sorry. Besides, you're not too clingy, that's crazy.

Thank you?

And if Matt can't handle that weird, slightly robotic, distant thing you do, then that's his loss.

Would you just shut up?!

If you must know, he didn't say I was too clingy.

-He didn't say any of that.

-So what reason did he give?

He didn't give a reason. He just said it wasn't my fault.

Come here. Listen, I know all about the pain of being dumped, OK.

I've done it to a thousand guys. So if there's anything you want,

anything at all, just let me know. OK? I'm here for you.

It's just so sudden. I don't know what I've done wrong.

JANEY'S PHONE RINGS

No, no, you're my priority. Go on.

I feel like he never even gave what we had a chance.

That's good, go on.

We were good together. And...

I guess...the thing I'm going to miss the most -

I'm sorry, I can't do it!

Hoo.

Hiy! Cha-ka!

Cha-ka cha-ka! Woo woo! Cha-ka!

Woo-yaka! Chak chak doo doo!

The hand is quicker than the eye, Susan.

You are looking at Chiswick's answer to Bruce Lee. Woo woo, choo!

Bruce Forsyth, more like.

Martial arts is not about aggression,

it is about controlling your aggression.

Hear that, Susan?

I'm going to take you down to Injury Town,

taking a left at Agony Avenue and dropping you off

at P-P-Pain Station. Boo cha!

-Ben?

-Sorry, yes?

-That is the exact opposite of what I just said.

OK. Sorry, Rob.

You are going out like a candle in a hurricane, baby.

Woo, cha-ka cha-ka! Whoo!

Hi, Janey. You all right?

Ugh, this hangover's really catching up with me.

-So, I guess you heard about Mikey and I?

-Yeah.

I'm sorry it didn't work out with you guys.

He'll be back in a bit, just gone to get a DVD.

It was actually you I came to see.

Me?

Oh, I see.

Matt, Matt, Matt.

You're not the first guy who thinks he's gay,

then meets me and realises he's straight.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm flattered,

but I can't break another formerly gay, man's heart.

Janey, I was only going to ask if you wanted to stay friends?

Oh. I knew that!

I had such fun hanging out with you,

and just cos Mikey and I didn't work out, there's no reason

why you and I can't be friends, is there?

-Of course not. We have fun together.

-Great!

It's none of my business, but why didn't it work with Mike?

-Chemistry, really.

-You either click or you don't!

No, he kept going on about chemistry!

Oh! Ah, ah, ah! Oh!

Pretty pathetic.

Being beaten up by your own wife.

You fought dirty!

I was just abiding by the rules.

Martial arts are ancient and noble.

There is nothing ancient and noble about sitting on my head,

tickling me and giving me a wedgy!

I've never felt so humiliated in my life!

Agh! Ah!

And though it pains me to admit it

and I am in considerable pain at the moment...

you did well.

Yeah, OK, I admire you. The best person won.

How hard did I hit you?!

So this thing tonight is an aftershow party?

Matt, I will not get all starry.

It's not like Leonardo DiCaprio's going to be there.

Leonardo DiCaprio's going to be there?!

I need to pick an outfit and hyperventilate until I pass out!

See you later, bye.

So, how about a DVD evening tonight?

Oh, I'd love to, but I'm out.

Can't you cancel?

Matt's dumped me, I could use the company.

Go on, I've rented that Bette Midler movie, Beaches.

Ooh, I can't.

-Why not?

-I don't...like that film.

OK, three things just told me you're lying.

One - your eyes widened too much.

Two - you hesitated before you said it,

and three - there isn't a person on this planet

who isn't moved by the touching story

of a lifelong friendship, torn apart by fame

and reunited by a tragic illness,

all to the sound of the classic ballad, Wind Beneath My Wings!

OK, fine, I was lying!

-You're going to that party with Matt.

-No. What party?

The one he originally invited me to, Janey!

The one with DiCaprio and an ice rink made out of frozen champagne.

And to go with my ex! How do you think that makes me feel?!

-There's actually an ice rink made out of champagne?

-Not the point!

Janey, you don't stay in touch with your brother's ex.

You just don't do it. It's an unspoken rule.

-I've never heard of it.

-That's because it's unspoken!

Welcome to Positive Dynamics.

The idea with this session is to focus

on the strengths in your relationship.

So to start with, I'd like each of you to write down ten things

you love about your partner.

This is a bit of a cod psychology, isn't it?

-We love each other. What difference is this going to make?

-Ben, please.

(Sorry.)

BEN LAUGHS

BEN WHISTLES

We're off to the coffee bar. Do you want anything?

Mmm...eight things I love about my wife.

Nine for me.

-Oh, hi!

-Hi!

Is that what you're wearing?

Didn't you get my message?

No, I think I left my phone here. What message?

I left one to say I can't make it. I'm really sorry.

'Janey, what's wrong with the hot water?!'

Give it a second, it'll warm up! If you want to look for your phone, do it while he's in the shower.

-OK, cool.

-'It's not warming up! It went completely cold.

-'Right in the middle of my bloody shower!'

-Get in the kitchen. Go.

I mean, just because we don't live here any more,

would it kill them to fix the boiler?

It's like they don't want us to keep coming over.

-Wait, where are you going?

-Er, the kitchen?

-Why?

Well, let's see, I'm wearing a dressing gown

and I'm soaking wet, so I was thinking of cooking a chicken.

No, really, why are you going into the kitchen?

To put the immersion heater on. And to see who you're hiding because I'm not an idiot!!

It's Matt, isn't it?

You invited him round here after I specifically asked you not to.

I didn't. Look around. Do you see him?

Well, of course he's not here now.

The minute he heard me coming, he'd have gone out the back door, wouldn't he?

He's not a moron.

I kind of am.

How dare you show up here?

And you, you said you weren't going to the party with him.

-I'm not.

-Then why was he hiding behind the door?!

It's my fault.

When I heard you coming downstairs, I lost my nerve, and I...

I'm sorry, OK?

-OK.

-Yes, I came to take Janey to the party,

but that's not the only reason. I think I...

Matt, stop.

I don't want to make you beg.

It's OK. I forgive you.

The thing is, Mikey, I think I left my phone here.

It's fine. The old leaving-something-behind trick. I'm glad you changed your mind about me.

No really, it was just the phone.

Oh, really. So where is this so-called phone then?

Actually, it's over there.

-I'll see you later, Janey.

-Bye.

Sorry.

Well...

I suppose that could have been more humiliating.

At least I'm not still wearing that... Oh, crap.

Close your eyes, everyone.

We're going to clear our minds now.

This couples meditation class is all about relaxation.

That's it, couples.

Moments of stillness...

these are the secret, yet essential ingredients

in every successful marriage.

Those soothing silences that indicate the ultimate level of comfort

between you and your partner.

Just embrace that silence for a moment.

-Susan...

-Shh!

I have to warn you, Susan.

I am resisting a sudden and overwhelming urge to break wind.

Ben, please, I'm trying to take this seriously.

And breathe.

Feel the air coursing out of your body.

Don't hold it in, release it.

He's giving me the green light, Susan.

He's giving me the green light.

Because it's so easy for the pressure to build up in your body,

yet it's essential that you let it out.

I'm only human, Susan. It's only a matter of time.

-Please, Ben, I'm begging you.

-It's not my fault.

-Put a cork in it.

-Oh, I wish.

-Oh, Ben! Stop it...in the name of mercy.

I shouldn't have had those bean fritters for lunch.

And then release the air.

Feel it flowing out of your body like a great and powerful wind.

-Ah-hah-ha-ha-ha!

-Ha-ha-ha!

I'm so sorry, Robin, about my wife. I don't know what's got into her.

-You're ruining the experience. Why can't you contain yourselves?

-I have been trying.

-Right, that's it!

Get out! Pack your bags and go!

I don't know how you make that car-crash of a marriage work! The pair of you are so bloody childish!

-Come on, get up.

-OK.

-Come on, up. Get up.

Hey, you know that sudden and overwhelming urge that I had earlier?

I haven't got it now.

Oh, come on, Mikey, I said I was sorry.

-Can you just let it go?

-Let me ask you something.

How would you feel if I were to start hanging out with Ian Thurman?

-Who?

-You dated him for about eight months.

Be more specific.

You nearly moved in with him?

Nope.

-You were engaged for a week.

-It's not ringing a bell.

You know, the guy who... you're ruining my point!

What I'm saying is, if I were friends with him you'd be upset.

-Doesn't sound like it.

-How can I get this through to you?

Are you familiar with the phrase "blood is thicker than water"?

Oh, great. Another thing I haven't heard of.

It means you put your family first,

and you didn't because you're selfish.

Look, Mikey, I said I was sorry.

But if you're going to be a big baby why should I care what you think?

-What's does that mean?

-It means I'm an adult and I can pick my own friends.

So, if I want to hang out with Matt, I'll hang out with Matt.

You know, you're impossible!

There's no talking to you. You're just like Dad.

I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Now you're just making them up!

-Hi, Janey.

-Hey, come in.

I can't believe you asked me to lunch. So, you're allowed to see me now?

-I can be friends with whoever I want.

-Nice.

Very adult. So I take it Mikey's not here, then?

Did he go to that computer fair?

I expect so. He likes to get there when it opens, in case there are bargains.

The early nerd catches the worm.

He needs a new personality not a new hard-drive.

It's like he came out of the womb in an anorak,

with a pair of binoculars and a train timetable.

-That's a bit harsh because he's not actually a train spotter.

-Fine.

But he's still a loser. And the way he dresses, he looks like a children's TV presenter.

Maybe. But he's still my brother.

That's not something to boast about. Anyway, I heard you slag him off.

-That's because I'm his sister, I'm allowed.

-Oh, come on.

-I won't have you talk about Michael like that.

-Because I pointed out he's a nerd?

Maybe he's a geek, but he's my brother, and I love him.

OK, OK, relax. Can we just go to lunch now?

No. You know what? You're not good enough for him

and you're not good enough for me either. I think you should go.

Hey, glad I found out you're as big a loser as he is.

Look, what you don't seem to understand is, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

-What?

-Just go!

Hey, how was your computer fair?

You know, Janey, I may have had my heart ripped out and stomped on,

but at least I picked up a Dual Gaming Device to PC Converter

for a fraction of the retail price.

Thank God. I was worried sick.

So, when are you seeing Matt again?

Whenever I like. I told you.

-So you're going to see him later today, then?

-Might do.

-Janey, I heard you having a go at Matt.

-Oh.

-Did you mean all that stuff you said?

-Yeah, I did.

I just want to let you know it meant a lot to me.

Yeah, well, I really do... you know...you.

Cool. Cool.

And just so you know...I really... you know...you too.

-So, tell me about this thing you bought.

-Oh, yeah. It's amazing.

I mean, you just hot-plug it into your PC USB port,

and as long as you've got a 64-bit operating system it'll install the drivers automatically.

-You don't need a disk.

-That's brilliant(!) I'll just pop my head in the oven.

-You couldn't resist, could you?

-What?

Can't we just once have a conversation where we're not rude or mean to each other?

Yeah, of course we can.

-So...

-So...

-Mum and Dad back later?

-Uh-huh.

-It's cold today.

-Wasn't it?

-Meant to rain later.

-So they say.

So they say.

Yup.

Bit of the old...rain.

-Can we go back to being rude?

-I thought you'd never ask, you dreary, desperate imbecile.

JANEY SIGHS

-Too much?

-Well, a bit.

You know, darling, I'm glad we got kicked out of that Couples Retreat.

Yeah, we don't need things like that to keep our marriage fresh.

I pledge to you now, my darling, that I shall never stop,

never stop finding new ways to annoy you.

And I pledge to you,

my dearest love, that I will mock you mercilessly at every turn.

-At least we got something useful out of this weekend.

-What?

-These mugs we made.

-Oh, yes.

-Indeed we did.

-Yeah.

-From clay scraped off your very face.

-Yeah.

You know. These mugs symbolise our marriage.

They may not look pretty on the outside, my darling, but they work, they work.

And they'll go on working.

-Did yours leak over the duvet too?

-Yep.

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