'Booked My Family

-Tickets?

-Check.

-Passport?

-Passport, check. And vaccinations, yep.

-I wish I was going on two weeks' holiday.

-Susan, please, I've already told...

This is not a holiday. This is a dental outreach program in the upper regions of the Colombian rainforest.

Some of these people have never even heard of dental hygiene.

I must admit, I'm proud of you volunteering. It's so generous, so thoughtful.

So unlike you.

Susan, where I'm going is, I hear,

pretty dangerous.

So I've written you a letter. OK?

But I want you to promise me you will not open this letter

unless something happens to me.

I promise.

No, I'm serious, Susan. I want you to really promise.

I promise, OK?

-You promise?

-I Promise!

OK. Bye. Come on, come on, come on!

Promise?

Promise! Love you. Bye!

"My darling, Susan.

"If you're reading this letter the worst has happened,

"and there are a few things that you should probably know.

"I've not been the perfect husband.

"I've had numerous affairs.

"Well, so many I've lost count...."

SHE GASPS

"I wouldn't be surprised if there aren't a number of children out there that I've fathered.

"Also, I've skimmed from our bank account for years

"and I'm sure you'll find out I've double-mortgaged the house

"to finance my...secret lifestyle."

"Please, forgive me, I'm so desperately sorry.

"My love, Ben."

Now promise you won't open this one.

MUSIC: "Ode To Joy" by Beethoven.

-Anything I can do for you, Janey?

-Beethoven's 12th?

He only did nine. You're so cute when you pretend to know things.

So, Mum, I need you to sign up to Facebook.

-No.

-But it's great! You can get in touch with people you've lost contact with.

You mean the people I meant to lose contact with?

-But there's also the people you lost touch with because of Dad.

-There's no getting them back.

Come on, Mum. It's a lot of fun.

Janey, those sites are for sad, pathetic losers,

-who feel the number of friends are more important than the quality.

-Yeah, I'm stuck on 999,

-so I need you to "friend" me.

-Isn't it enough that we're friends in real life?

Please, Mum, come on. You don't even have to do anything, I'll set it all up for you.

Janey, as much as it makes me feel special

that you've asked 999 people before me,

the answer is still no.

Mum, every one of those friends means the world to me.

Hello, Facebook friend!

Almost every one.

So, did you hit number 1,000 yet?

No. Mum said no.

Oh, come on, Susan.

Don't you want to keep up with what I'm up to?

What are you up to?

Nothing much. So...

how are you coping without Ben?

Fine, thank you. You?

I have good days and bad days,

but we all have to stay strong.

Listen, Ben asked me to pop round and check that everything's OK.

-Did he really?

-No.

But if you do need anything, I'm here for you.

Think of me as a substitute Ben.

-Do you know how to fix the plumbing?

-No.

-Can you put up shelves?

-No.

-What do you know about car engines?

-Absolutely nothing.

You'll make a perfect Ben.

No way! You're kidding!

He did?

You're kidding! He did?

Hey, Mum.

No way!

You're kidding! He did?

I think we've established that he did.

No way, you're kidding! He did?!

-Janey!

-Mum, I'm on the phone.

Yeah, OK, yeah. All right, I've got to go too.

See you later. Bye.

So, enjoying the peace and quiet?

I'll tell you when I get some.

-DOOR SLAMS

-And that's going to help(!)

Well, thanks a lot, Mum.

-What have I done now?

-Why aren't you friends with me on Facebook?

-Because I'm not on it.

-Yes, you are, and you're friends with Janey.

Janey!

I specifically asked you not to sign me up for that

and yet you went behind my back and...

Ooh, that's a nice photo of me.

You see? You see? Now you can tell the whole world about yourself.

They can see what you do for a living,

your marital status, your age...

Oh, at last(!)

Hang on, under my "Marital status" you've put, "It's complicated".

Isn't it?

Yeah, fair point.

Oh, look, you've already got a message, from a...Paul Tremayne?

-Paul Tremayne's written to me!

-Ooh, he looks nice.

-Who is he, Mum?

-No-one.

-Then why are you still smiling?

-Am I?

Paul and I had a relationship years and years ago.

Right around the time I met your father.

You mean you had other options?

All this time, I thought you married Dad cos you were desperate.

We could've had Paul as our father?

-Michael, you don't even know him.

-It doesn't matter.

-Mum, we're not saying you could've done better.

-I am.

Paul and I weren't meant to be, Michael.

We had our fun, but we were moving in different directions,

so ultimately we went our separate ways.

Ah, you mean he dumped you.

Pretty much.

-He was the only person who ever did.

-Really!

SYMPATHETICALLY: Really?

-He never said why.

-Well, it could've been any number of reasons.

Thank you, Michael(!)

So, read his message.

-Excuse me, you know, this is private?

-Sorry.

-Thank you.

-Ooh, he wants to meet up with you!

-Yes! It might not be too late.

-Do it, Mum!

-I'm not going to meet up with him.

Why not? He's only suggesting coffee, not sleeping together.

He might be. Scroll down a bit.

I am married to your father.

Paul Tremayne missed his chance years ago.

As far as I'm concerned, he's a loser.

Oh! His bio says he won a gold medal for fencing at the Commonwealth Games.

He researched climate change for three years in Antarctica.

He also set up an African charity that's raised over £6 million.

Your father came first in the parents' day egg and spoon race.

He cheated.

Fine.

I should've married the other guy.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Oh, yes, Operator, I'll accept the call.

Hello, darling. How are you?

How's the jungle?

What? You've been bitten!

Oh, my God. By what?

A spider, a snake?

Oh, a patient.

No, well, it's all been very quiet here.

Oh, Paul Tremayne got in touch, he wants to meet up with me.

What do you mean, you don't care?

You should care.

He used to find me rather attractive.

Would you stop laughing!

I don't think you'd find it quite so funny if I decided to go out with him

and we made wild, passionate love

until we both reach a hot, sweaty crescendo!

Hello? Oh, sorry, Operator, I didn't realise you'd lost his connection.

What do you mean "keep going"?

Ooh, that looks nice!

Mum, it's gorgeous.

It's an egg-white omelette with shallots and oyster mushrooms,

-seasoned with herbes provencales.

-Can you make me one?

Of course I can!

Roger, what are you doing here?

Making omelettes, and yours is coming right up.

You shouldn't have done all this.

Oh, I'm only doing what Ben would do.

I slept outside in the car last night, to keep an eye on the place.

If that omelette wasn't so fantastic I would find that slightly creepy.

Well, so, that is breakfast done.

So, what would Ben do next?

He'd be doing my laundry and giving me money to go shopping.

I'll just get my wallet.

Roger, stop. She's not being serious.

He'd be unblocking the sink and bleeding the radiators.

Right you are.

-HE SIGHS

-Look at us.

One big happy family.

I'm so lucky.

Really, Mum, when I said you could do better than Dad...

Drop it, Michael!

Right, I'd better get to work.

I've already got Ben's tool box.

Strange...

There's only a bottle of whisky in here.

That explains the shelves in the garage.

So, Mum, did you hear anything more from that guy Paul?

We exchanged a few messages.

-Oh, really?

-So you've changed your mind about seeing him?

There's no harm in catching up for a chat.

Is "chatting" all you're going to do?

Stop making such a big deal out of this.

You're going stock car racing with the cast of Les Mis?

I said, would you stop making such a big deal out of this!

It's all perfectly innocent.

Paul and I used to date, but that was years ago.

Before he dumped you.

Yes, yes, yes, before he dumped me!

But tonight is just about two old friends catching up...

and explaining why one of the friends thought the other was inadequate.

Sounds like a fun evening(!)

Maybe he's had a change of heart.

Maybe he wants a second chance at romance.

-Janey, that's not going to happen.

-But it could, Mum. It could!

All you have to do is put a bit of cheese on the trap,

the mouse will come and then snap!

Suddenly he's disoriented, his back's broken and he has nowhere to go.

This is why I date men.

I'd like to propose a toast.

Here's to seeing you again.

And you.

Do you remember how we used to go to the cinema?

We used to pick films that we didn't want to see.

Because we knew we wouldn't be watching the films!

I'm so happy to see you again, Susan.

It's been a long time,

you've really blossomed into a beautiful woman

Oh.

So you didn't think I was beautiful then?

Of course I did, I was mad about you.

-I'm just saying you've matured wonderfully.

-Thank you.

So you thought I was immature?

No, not at all.

No, no, you were just different back then.

So you thought I was a freak?

No! Look, is something the matter?

It's just something that's bothered me all these years.

Why did you break up with me?

Oh, come on, Susie. I can't even remember it was so long ago.

Besides, none of that matters now.

You've found happiness with someone else.

Who?

Your husband?

Oh, yeah, him, yeah.

So, what about you? Did you ever get married?

No, I'm afraid not. Never found the right girl, I suppose.

Well, I did,

but I was too stupid to realise it.

What happened?

I'm talking about you, Susan.

Oh, I'm very flattered, but...

nothing is going to happen. Sorry.

So am I.

-Well, I'd better get going, I suppose.

-So soon?

I haven't upset you, have I?

No, it's not that, honest.

I've got to drop something off at a friend's in Chiswick.

Well, I live in Chiswick, so I'll do you a deal.

You stay for coffee and I'll happily drop it off for you.

All right, you've got a deal.

Do you know, I've got to say, Susan,

you've been really great company tonight.

So I wasn't great company back then?

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

'Yes?'

Hello. I have a package for you from Paul.

Where is Paul?

Oh, he couldn't make it, so he asked me to give it to you.

Well, thank you, um...

Susan. I'm a friend of Paul's. Just a friend.

We had a perfectly innocent dinner.

Just two old friends catching up, reminiscing, all perfectly innocent.

Nothing happened, you understand,

because as I say, it was all perfectly innocent.

Well, I'm thrilled for you, Susan. Can I have the package?

Oh, yes, here.

You're under arrest!

But it was all perfectly innocent!

Mrs Harper, you know why you're here, right?

No. Maybe you should tell me.

-You delivered half a kilo of cocaine to an undercover officer.

-Yeah, right(!)

-So you're admitting it?

-Of course not!

All I did was deliver a random package from someone I hardly know

to someone I've never met, in the middle of the night.

I need a lawyer.

Your friend Paul is a major drug dealer.

We've been setting up this sting for months.

But that can't be possible!

He won a gold medal in fencing.

The only fencing he's done involves stolen goods.

What about the three years he spent in Antarctica?

-He served three years in Wormwood Scrubs.

-And the African charity?

-Well, that's true.

-So he can't be all bad.

He uses the charity to launder drug money.

I can't believe someone lied about themselves on the internet.

Look, look, I had no idea what Paul was asking me to do.

Mrs Harper, you willingly transported drugs for a known felon.

But I didn't know he was known. If I'd known he was known I'd have known better, you know?

And as for drugs, I hate them.

Ask my husband.

Where is your husband?

Colombia.

Oh, God, I really need a lawyer!

Mrs Harper, we know that you and Paul Tremayne

have had a relationship.

How do you know that?

The police have intricate and thorough ways

of sourcing information.

You've been on Facebook.

Yeah, that's one of the ways.

Look, you've ruined two months of police work.

We either need information or an arrest.

Please, give me a chance to help you and I'll do everything I can

to make sure Paul gets locked up for a very long time.

-That'll teach him for dumping me!

-What?

I mean, dealing in all those drugs.

Mikey, Mikey, Mikey!

No, no, no.

I know a new father figure takes some getting used to,

-but I'm only here to look after your mother.

-Where is she?

I don't know.

Are you wearing Dad's pyjamas?

Well, it's what he'd be doing.

Not after you've been wearing them.

I'm glad you're both here.

I wanted to have a chat with you about the birds and the bees.

No, thanks.

OK, but if you don't want to tell me,

I'll just have to find out from somebody else.

I never thought I'd say this,

but you've made me miss my dad.

Well, I think we should all have a big family hug.

Come to me, children!

-Go to him.

-You go to him.

I'm not going anywhere near him. I have a child, nobody will miss you.

Susan, where have you been? I've been worried sick.

Get knotted!

-Does she talk to your father like that?

-Yeah.

Oh!

-How did it go?

-I don't want to talk about it, I just want to go to bed.

-I'll be up in two minutes.

Do it and die!

That tickles!

This is a serious business, Mrs Harper.

You need to get Paul to confess that he's a drug dealer on tape.

Sorry. Right. Right.

Now, we've a hidden camera in place.

The best angle will be from this direction,

so try and get him on the sofa.

And act natural.

We don't want him to suspect something's up.

Not a problem. I was once an accomplished actress.

In school I was in Streetcar Named Desire.

I played Stanley Kowalski.

It was an all-girls school.

Great. Look, you can just attach that to your bra strap...

Look, I'll do that, thank you!

Now, we've got a signal. We're good to go.

KNOCK AT DOOR

He's early.

Oh, hi, Mum.

Wow, you look stunning.

Is that a new outfit?

Yes.

I want to look my best for...Roger.

Come on, Mum. We all know if you were trying to turn Roger on, you'd be dressed as Susan Boyle.

You're seeing Paul again, aren't you?

Yes, but it's not what you think.

I've got a little surprise planned for Paul.

I've got a microphone here

and there's a camera hidden over there.

Kinky!

-It's not for that!

-Oh, no, Mum, it's fine.

-Listen, I won't tell Dad. Your secret's safe with me.

-Janey!

-Have an amazing time.

-Janey!

-Bye!

Oh, heavens!

This is never going to work.

Don't worry, I'll be in the kitchen with back-up should anything go wrong.

-But, well, we do need to establish a safe word, in case you're in any danger.

-How about "help"?

Maybe something a little less obvious.

Something innocuous like... Like cupboard.

Cupboard. Cupboard. Got it, got it.

Now, all we need is this confession and you're in the clear.

Oh, don't you worry. Once I turn on the charm, I can be very persuasive.

-You might want to undo this button too.

-I can do that, thank you!

-DOOR BELL

-He's here!

-Oh, go away!

-SEDUCTIVELY:

-Paul, come in.

-Ah, you look stunning.

-(And with all the buttons done up.)

Sorry?

Nothing.

Please, please, make yourself comfortable.

Ah, lovely.

Yeah, you've got a really nice place here.

Not that chair! No, no, sorry.

The sofa is much more relaxing.

OK.

I've got to say, Susie, I was quite surprised to hear from you again so soon.

Did everything go all right with that package last night?

Oh, yes, fine. Tickety-boo.

It was awfully heavy. What was in it?

Boring business stuff, you know.

Well, any boring business stuff to do with you is fascinating to me.

Tell me more.

Look, am I reading this situation right?

You're reading it perfectly.

When I said nothing was going to happen between us,

perhaps I spoke too soon.

Really?

I've been a good wife and a good mother for a long time.

Now, I want to be bad.

Can you be bad?

Oh, yes, I can be bad.

In fact, I'm going to tell you something that might shock you.

I can't wait to hear it.

Well...just between you and me...

Hello!

Roger! What are you doing here?

I might ask you the same question. Who is your gentleman caller?

Oh, this is my friend, Paul.

Paul this is my...

Roger.

Could you excuse us a minute? He's not very well...

Sure. I've got a call to make anyway. Don't worry.

Susan! What are you doing?

Are you having an affair behind my and Ben's backs?

Paul and I are just good friends, nothing more.

-Now, now just go. Please, go?

-Oh, thank God.

I know Ben wouldn't be happy if he lost you on my watch.

Oh, oh, oh, I forgot, I came round to borrow the mixer.

Fine. It's in the kitchen cup...

Over the worktop...

The thing with shelves.

What?

With doors, you know, with doors that open

and things you can put things in? With shelves?

Sorry? I don't...

Oh, for God's sake, the cupboard! No!

No, no, no, no, no.

-What are you trying to tell me? Not the cupboard?

-Yes, that's it, yes!

That's the thing you just mentioned.

I still don't know what you mean. I'll just check all the cupboards.

What the hell is going on down there?

That idiot keeps saying the safe word.

Susan! There's, there's...

Paul, I won't be a minute.

Roger's having a bit of an issue.

What have you done to him?

-Tasered him.

-Was that really necessary?

Yes.

Roger, I'm so sorry.

What's going on? I don't understand.

That man in there is a dangerous drugs dealer.

Susan is helping us trap him.

Oh, no she's not. I'm not letting you put Susan's life at risk.

As long as Ben's away, I'm not going to let anything bad happen to this woman or her family.

They mean far too much to me. Far...

Sorry, I couldn't take it any more.

Excuse me, Roger.

Sorry, Paul.

He had a little shock recently.

So...

you were about to tell me something...

before we were so rudely interrupted.

-Was I?

-Yes.

-About your boring, naughty business.

-Oh, yeah, right.

Well, there's more to me than what you think.

All right, look...

I have made a great deal of money dealing in...

Uh-oh.

What the hell? Oh, Cole, her mic's slipped.

..drugs.

I've been dealing drugs for the last ten years.

-Did you hear what I said, Susan?

-I'm not quite sure yet.

I said, I deal drugs.

I mean, I didn't set out to be a drug dealer, but now...

Well, I'm a major supplier to West London

-and I've got connections with suppliers all over...

-Wait, wait!

-What's the matter?

Sorry. Don't you ever feel like dancing for no reason?

There's no music!

It's better without music.

It's gone quiet!

We haven't had the confession. What's she doing?

I think she's...dancing?

Or having a stroke? Oh, my God, now they're both doing it.

Well, that's enough of that.

Well, I can see you're still as wild as ever, aren't you?

-Yes, I know.

-Do you know, it's funny,

I've never told anyone from my past about what I do now.

But now I've confessed everything, I feel so much closer to you.

Yes. You know what would make us feel even more close?

Go on, tell me.

If you confess everything again.

Oh, yeah, I see. I know what's going on here.

You do? Cupboard!

You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?

Not cupboard!

This is so typical of you, Susan.

What? What's typical?

You were always so distracted, you'd never listen to me.

-I think that's one of the reasons I broke up with you.

-Reasons?!

Yeah. All right, look, if you want me to confess everything all over again, I will.

This is it. Stand by, Cole.

For the last ten years,

I have been heavily involved in importing and dealing...

Yeah, yeah. Never mind about that. What do you mean there were "reasons" you split up with me?

When I said I couldn't remember why we split up, that wasn't the truth.

Well, well, let's hear it.

Well, it's like I said, you never listen to me.

Even at uni you were always distracted.

And I know why - because that Ben Harper was always around and you fancied him more than me!

I did?! Yeah, I did, OK, yeah.

And you're still the same now.

I tell you I'm a major drug dealer who supplies drugs to most of West London

and you don't seem to have heard a word I've said!

-So that's the reason you split up with me, because you were jealous?

-Yes.

Well, that, and I always thought you were a bit too...

-A bit too what?

-You're under arrest for the supplying and distribution of illegal drugs.

-Wait, wait, wait!

-Why?

We've got everything we need.

But I haven't! I haven't!

You don't have to say anything. Anything you do say may be used in evidence.

-I don't believe it. After all these years, this is how I go down.

-Sorry, Paul, you left me no choice.

Hang on. Listen, Susan, I just want to say,

-even after all this, I still love you.

-Really?

No! You've just put me away for 20 years!

Is anyone else buzzing?

So Paul's being put away for a very long time.

The same Paul who could have been my father.

Michael, he was a dangerous drug dealer.

Still...

And I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention any of this to your father.

-After 30 years, we're going to start talking to Dad?!

-Right. What was I thinking?

Susan, can I have a word with you, please?

-Rodge, can you give me a lift to the flat?

-And did you polish my shoes?

No. No, I can't. And no, I didn't.

You know what? I wanted to be head of this family and be like Ben,

but that role is a poisoned chalice.

In the past week, you've abused my trust, treated me like a slave,

extorted money from me and got me Tasered - twice!

You lot ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

You make me sick!

One, two,

three, four...

I can't stay mad at you.

Come on, let's all hug it out...

Sorry, Roger.

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