A Decent Proposal My Family

I just need a moment alone...with my mother.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I certainly am! How can they charge pay-and-display outside a church?

-I meant Mum.

-Mmm?

-She's pretty upset.

-Oh, yeah.

It didn't help that Dad led the funeral cortege

through the McDonald's Drive-Thru.

I was hungry!

-Was it really the time for a Happy Meal?

-Yeah!

It's what Grace would have wanted.

I don't know why we didn't give Gran a cremation.

Set her alight with all that booze inside her?

She'd have gone up like Krakatoa.

Look, I know how this is a moment for us to grieve,

to muse upon the fragility of life

and to contemplate our own mortality,

but that guy's butt deserves a ceremony all on its own.

Why don't you ask him out?

I don't even know if he's gay.

Oh, he's gay all right.

-How do you know?

-Trust me, little brother, I can tell.

I've been studying men a whole lot longer than you have,

and, over the years,

I've developed a bit of a sixth sense about these things.

He turned you down, didn't he?

Because he's gay.

Deirdre McAllister.

I knew your mother.

We were members of the same erotic cinema club.

Nice to meet you.

Could you possibly tell me how Grace...went?

Well, seeing as you asked...

Mum was backpacking around Australia when she decided to join

a group bungee jump with some Samoan body builders.

Naturally, the bungee couldn't take the strain and snapped halfway down,

sending them spiralling into the river below.

They survived the fall but...

..the water was crocodile infested.

My brother went the same way.

Hello, Susan.

-Hello.

-It's good to see you again.

And you.

Sorry we're meeting in these circumstances.

Yes...

I'm sorry, we've obviously met before,

-but I've forgotten your name.

-It's Arthur.

-Ah.

My father was called Arthur.

-He still is.

-No, he died 30 years ago.

No, he didn't.

Yes, he did. He disappeared at sea.

On a trip to the South Pacific.

Yes, that's right.

How do you know so much about my father Arthur, Arthur?

Susan, it's me.

Mum, here...drink this, OK?

Dad, listen. Mum and Arthur aren't speaking. Shouldn't you talk to him?

You know the rules, Janey.

-I don't converse with people at social events.

-People?

-Dad, he's your father-in-law.

-It still applies.

Fine, then you can just stay here with me and talk to me

all about my ex-boyfriends in chronological order.

OK, yeah, OK...

All right, Arthur,

having a good time?

She hates me, doesn't she?

It's, er...

..hard to say, really.

Does she always stare at people in that manner?

Mm-hm, try going to sleep while she's doing it.

I can hardly blame her.

I abandoned her and her mother and disappeared for 30 years.

Really? 30 years?

Just like that?

So...how did you do it?

How did you do it exactly? Be as specific as you want.

-I beg your pardon?

-Was it difficult when you left them?

Theoretically, would it be difficult just to sort of take off, as it were?

You know, change one's passport details?

Why are you so interested?

I was just told to make chit-chat.

Susie!

Susan?

Susan, we'll have to talk eventually.

Why did you come back, today of all days?

I didn't want to miss saying goodbye to your mother.

We all thought you'd died at sea.

Well, my vessel did capsize, but I was saved by a passing trawler.

How could you just leave everything? What was so much better?

I travelled the world, salvaging shipwrecks, earning millions.

How could a wet afternoon in Chiswick High Road compare to that?

We have a Tesco Metro now.

Look, Mike, I went to all the trouble to bring him here,

just go over to him.

What if he doesn't fancy me? I couldn't take a bad rejection.

Oh, don't worry. He's an undertaker, he'll be used to breaking bad news.

Oh, come on, Mike, come on, just give it a try.

You're good-looking, bright, you've got a great personality!

Wow, thanks!

Yeah, just don't say too much,

don't let him see your right side and...stay downwind of him.

-Hi!

-Hey.

So...you're in the funeral business, what's it like?

It's a living.

MICHAEL LAUGHS

Michael.

Er, Sean.

Sorry, was there something you wanted?

Well, I was just wondering if, say...

I wanted to buy a coffin...

..what base material would you recommend?

Well, panelled oak and mahogany are very popular,

but also in the region of £2,000.

Well, I'm not coffin up that much!

Sorry.

So, you're interested in coffins?

Is someone dying?

Only me.

You're dying?

Yes, Sean.

Yes, I am.

God, I'm sorry.

I'm so, so sorry.

I didn't even realise you were sick.

Oh, I'm sick all right.

Listen, I really should tell you,

what I said just now, I'm not actually ill.

I'm really ill.

Really, really ill.

Right! Well, I think I'll, er... I'll turn in, mm-hm.

Arthur, er...what about Brazil?

-What?

-You know, vis a vis the emigration thing.

The old Portuguese isn't too shabby,

and I turn a nice shade of bronze in the sun.

OK, got you, talk to you later, OK.

All right, darling, I know, I know.

It's been a very rough day.

So, anything you don't drink, just tip it back in the bottle, OK?

Goodnight!

So, what do you think of Ben?

The man is a shallow, uncouth, mean imbecile

with all the charm of a Third World dictator.

You hardly know him.

Yet I can't disagree with any of it.

Did you see him at the graveside?

You're meant to sprinkle the earth onto the coffin,

not kick it in with your feet and mumble, "Let's get out of here."

Look, I could sit and listen to you insult my husband all night but...

-I'm sorry, Susan.

-No, no, I really could, but...

I'm tired and it's been an emotional day.

I had such high hopes for you.

I thought you would have ended up with someone worthy of you.

Instead, you've been dragged down to his level

and become embroiled in the same spirit-sapping, insidious grief pit.

It's called marriage.

I'm going to bed.

I'll give you one million, Susan.

£1 million to divorce him.

-What?

-Over the years, I've given money to hundreds of worthy causes,

but this will be the best million I've ever spent.

Are you seriously offering me

-£1 million to divorce Ben?

-That's right.

That's outrageous! You can't put a price on a 30-year bond.

Everything has its price.

Well, not my life-partner, my best friend, my one true soul mate.

I'm clearly not as shallow as you think I am!

Two million.

Well?

Just give me a minute.

You know, Susan, I really hit it off with your dad tonight.

Yeah, yeah, it's funny how sometimes people just click, you know?

Good man, Arthur, good man, yeah, someone I could really admire.

The man is completely flawed, Ben.

He ran away from his family and his responsibilities.

And the flaws were?

Look, I don't like saying this,

but he wasn't exactly complimentary about you.

Really? What did he say?

Oh, no, forget it, it wasn't even worth mentioning.

The sooner Dad's gone, the better.

Oh, OK.

I mean, it's ridiculous, really!

Almost laughable, actually.

If it's so ridiculous, why don't you tell me?

Oh, no, no, no, no, it's crazy, forget it, forget it.

He offered me £2 million to divorce you.

He thinks I'm only worth two million quid?!

What an insult! £2 million!

I told you it wasn't worth mentioning.

I'm telling you, Susan,

he thinks he can pay someone off for a measly £2 million, come on!

Please! That would be paid straight into our account?!

£2 million!

You're saying £2 million an awful lot, Ben.

I'm saying it, Susan, because it is, it... £2 million?!

-Ridiculous!

-It is, isn't it?

Absolutely.

I mean, having said that,

couples nowadays don't really have to be married, do they?

True.

I mean, you know, it's only a piece of paper when all's said and done.

Also true.

I mean, we know in our hearts we love each other, don't we?

We do? Oh, we do.

Yeah, I mean, our marriage can survive anything.

Anything, even, er...

Even divorce.

Are we seriously considering this?

Taking my father's money?

Well, he left you 30 years ago, Susan, he owes you that money.

-But it's absurd!

-Well, it won't mean anything, will it?

It's only for show.

You know, we get divorced, take the money and then get married again.

You know...

It's a victimless crime.

God, you're good!

-Susan Harper...

-Oh, Ben, this is all so sudden.

Would you make me the happiest man in the world?

I can't believe this is happening.

Would you do me the honour?

I will.

Would you do me the honour?

I will.

Susan...please...

divorce me.

Oh, Ben, you don't know how long

I've been waiting to hear those three little words.

-Come here!

-No, no, Ben!

-Not before the divorce.

-OK.

So, let me get this straight. You want a divorce?

-As soon as possible.

-On what grounds?

-What do you recommend?

It's not for me to recommend. You're the ones who want a divorce.

-What's the most popular?

-Mmm.

Irreconcilable differences is most common.

That's a bit bland, isn't it? I mean, after 30 years.

-Do you have anything a bit spicier?

-Yeah.

There's desertion, but you have to have lived apart for two years.

Ah, well I have slept in the spare room a couple of times.

THEY GIGGLE CHILDISHLY

Yes, um, I get the impression you're not taking this very seriously.

-Oh, we are, we are.

-We loathe each other.

-Absolutely.

-I know, I know. How about adultery?

-Oh, yes. Well done!

-Mm-hm.

-Which one of you has been adulterous?

-BOTH: Me.

-You? Who with?

-George Clooney.

-Oh, yes! Ooh!

Me? Er, with Katie Price.

How about them apples!

So you want those names published in the petition?

Published? Well, it was a bit dark, and I couldn't have been too sure.

No, no. And Katie Price really wouldn't want the publicity.

So, what else have you got?

Look, this isn't a fast-food restaurant.

You're meant to come in here with a reason.

OK. All right, fine. Irreconcilable differences.

-Agreed?

-Oh, agreed.

-Fine.

We're going to have to sort out the division of assets.

That'll take ages. Can't we do this here and now?

It would speed things up

if one of you handed over all the assets to the other.

Oh, that's the cabbage!

I'll take everything, bish, bash, bosh. Where do I sign?

Hang on, why do you take everything?

-It's just a technicality, Susan.

-Oh, fine. Well, I'll take everything.

Very well, I'll draw up the documents.

Though I'm inclined to say, "Would you like fries with that?"

How many days before we get divorced?

Try months. You have to wait for the decree to come through.

No, no, no, no. No, we need the divorce today.

There's a six-week grace period, and then it becomes a formal procedure.

Right, well, can we have a note or something?

It's just that we want to show her dad. That's all.

I can write you an invoice for filing the documents.

Good, perfect, that's great! Very, very nice.

Oh, this is the happiest day of my life.

-Oh, the air tastes so fresh!

-I know.

You wait for something for so long, you never think it'll be this good,

but honestly, this is so much better.

-Too much?

-A bit, yeah.

So, Mike, I never asked.

How was your undertaking with the undertaker?

Not bad.

We had a long chat, and at the end of it he gave me a big hug.

Oh, well done, you. Sounds like you two might have a future together.

Not much of a future. I told him I was dying.

Michael, that never worked with the girls.

I panicked. I thought I had more chance with him me if I was...

Dead?

It's always good to have a shared interest.

-It made sense at the time.

-Well, that's you two finished, then.

Actually, no. He's called me three times.

So he's either interested or he wants your measurements.

Tell you what, my dear.

You've put on a few pounds since we last did this.

Or my muscles have got weaker.

Oh, never mind. Nothing can ruin this day!

-Sorry, but what's going on?

-BOTH: We're getting divorced!

-Finally!

-Good for you.

Thanks for your support, but it's not a proper divorce.

No, we're doing it for your granddad's benefit, OK?

-So, where is he?

-In there, watching telly.

Oh, great. Now, listen.

Your father and I are going to stage a nasty argument

-and we need you to play along.

-I don't understand.

Act as if you're playing us off each other.

Er, no, Mum, I'm sorry. I don't want any part of your freak show, OK?

He's going to pay us two million quid if we divorce.

-I'm in.

-Good.

-What about you, Michael?

-What?

Is everything all right?

I lied to somebody, Mum,

someone I have feelings for, just to get them to like me.

He's a Harper.

Haven't we always taught you, Michael, to be yourself?

Your decency and your inner core is what people respond to,

not cheap lies.

You're right. Next time I see him, I'll tell him the truth.

Good for you, darling. Honesty is the best policy.

Now, if you'll excuse us,

we have to go and cheat your grandad out of two mill.

-OK, you ready, you old hag!

-What?!

Just getting into character.

-I want you out of my life!

-No, I want you out of mine!

-Neanderthal!

-You harpy!

-You make me sick!

-You were a pain in the arse!

-You're crap in bed!

-Please, boundaries!

-You'll be hearing from my lawyer!

-You'll be hearing from mine!

I said, you'll be hearing from mine!

Oh, great. Just don't tell me I've wasted my performance!

-Is that what you call it?

-It was very good, and I knew my lines.

Well, now, I'm sorry, but I was, I was word perfect.

-Oh, and so over the top!

-How dare you!

Arthur?

Arthur?

Ben, I think there's been an accident.

-Go easy on the man, he's getting on a bit.

-No, no, not that kind.

He's gone.

Wasn't our acting, was it?

Anyone else getting a feeling of deja vu?

Sean!

Oh, hi, Michael.

Fancy grabbing a coffee? I've got something to tell you.

It's really not a good time for me.

You've just come out of a relationship, haven't you?

No, I'm carrying your dead grandfather.

Idiot!

There's something I've been meaning to tell you,

I phoned Dad's solicitor...

And?

Dad was broke. It was all a lie.

Ah right, so the man who left his family, faked his own death

and changed his identity was a liar?

Who saw that coming(?)

Nice to see you.

Hello, thanks for coming.

Well...perfect.

We filed the divorce for nothing.

Show a little compassion, will you? I've just been orphaned.

You're a middle-aged woman, Susan, you're not Annie.

I can't believe I've lost both of them.

-Both millions?

-Both parents!

Sorry, that's what I meant.

Hey.

I thought that would be you.

-Come again?

-Inside it.

Why would I be inside...?

Oh, the whole dying thing, right.

What was it you wanted to talk about?

Um, well, the thing is...

Yes, Michael?

I forget. Memory loss is another one of my symptoms.

That and needing physical comfort. Constantly.

Your family really has shaky health, don't they?

I know, tragic, tragic.

So, are you free to go out tomorrow?

Are you sure you're well enough to be going out?

I want to live every day as if it's my last.

You're so brave.

I am, aren't I?

You know the only thing that gets me through these days?

A hug.

Come here, you.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Please stop that, Susan, you're creeping me out.

I just feel so dirty.

We've sacrificed our marriage for money.

I'm so disappointed.

I know, I know...

That money would have been brilliant.

The only thing that makes your heart beat faster is

the thought of £2 million!

Aren't you at all guilty about what we've done?

I suppose you're right.

Yeah, OK, we'd better go down and cancel the divorce.

Oh, do me a favour, why don't you?

If it's going to be a burden for you...

That's not what I meant, and you know it.

I am into this marriage, like you, wholeheartedly.

I will go down to that solicitor's office

whenever your precious little heart so desires.

-How about Thursday?

-Er...golf.

-Friday?

Mmm... Ah, getting a haircut. Sergio's managed to fit me in.

If it's going to inconvenience Sergio,

let's just go through with the divorce.

-No, no, no, no, he is very busy.

-Oh, Ben!

I mean, you can't... Susan, if you just... Look.

I'm sorry, but things are really taking off for him right now.

THUNDER CLASHES

-Hey.

-Hey.

I appreciate the lift, Janey,

I can't be late for my first date with Sean.

You mean your last date.

Due to the small matter that you'll be dead by next Tuesday?

Will you just drop it, please?

Seriously, it's beautiful. I mean, "Boy meets gay undertaker.

"Boy pretends he's dying to dupe gay undertaker into liking him.

"Boy can't tell him the truth or gay undertaker will kill boy for real."

It's a story as old as time itself.

-Hey, where are you two off to?

-Do you really care?

Not overly. Just being polite. Ta-ra.

-Hello?

-Mmm-hmm.

You're sitting in my chair.

Your chair?

And you've done my crossword.

I think you'll find it's my crossword,

and I've done it in half the time it takes you.

OK. What's going on here?

Don't you remember when we filed for the divorce,

you said you'd give everything to me?

I also said I slept with Jordan.

Technically, I'll own everything here.

You can keep your clothes, I'm not completely heartless...

or tasteless.

Susan, you're being ridiculous.

You don't value our marriage at all. All you care about is money.

No, I value... Isn't it OK to value both?

OK. Darling. My love.

Would you make me the happiest man in the world and...

un-divorce me?

-Well...

-My knee's starting to spasm.

-Oh, fine.

-Fine, good.

-If.

-If?

-If you sign this.

-What's this?

It says I retain ownership of everything here,

even if the divorce gets cancelled.

It's called a post-nup.

-This is ridiculous. I'm not signing this.

-No?

-No!

Look, Ben, I'm not asking for the world,

all I'm asking for is one romantic gesture. Would that kill you?

All right,

you can sit in my chair.

I don't want your chair! I want you to sign this.

What's more romantic than a man giving up everything

for the woman he loves? It's called sacrifice.

Can't I just slit a goat's throat on an altar somewhere?

THUNDER CLASHES

Listen, Ben.

I realised last night

we've lost touch with what makes marriage important.

And you could lose a lot of very valuable things,

including the one possession

that should be more important to you than any other.

Yeah, OK, what the hell.

I'm not going to meet anyone else at my age, am I?

Fine, fine, I'll sign it, I'll sign it.

I just want things to go back to the way they were, OK?

I love you, and I don't care if I don't have anything as long as I...

have you. And, er...hey,

I do love you, by the way.

Thank you.

-Now what are you doing?

-I've got what I wanted.

We've got our confetti, let's go to the solicitors right now.

-No, but I tee off in...

-THUNDER CLASHES

OK, let's go, I'm ready!

So, you don't have a boyfriend, then?

No. There just don't seem to be guys who fit what I'm looking for.

For me, the two really important qualities are a good sense of humour

and, most of all, honesty.

Yeah, a good sense of humour's really important, isn't it?

Look, I should say now,

I just don't think I can get involved with you, Michael.

I'd be too distraught when you go.

So, hypothetically, if, say, I had a clean bill of health,

you'd be interested in me? Hypothetically.

Of course I would, silly.

Hmm. OK, well...

I might be party to some information that could flip

this whole...crazy situation on its head.

Really? What is it?

I might not be dying, exactly.

What do you mean?

I sort of made up a bit of it.

-What bit?

-The dying bit.

Phew! I'm glad we've got that out of the way, now we can be together.

Yay for us!

High five?

You missed!

So, let me get this straight. You want to cancel the divorce?

-Are you sure?

-Absolutely.

-I was talking to her.

-Er, sorry...

Of course that's what we want. We're two crazy kids in love.

And I love her, blah, blah, blah.

He's my soul mate, blah, blah, blah.

Till death us do part, et cetera, et cetera.

It's Romeo and Juliet all over again(!)

Plus we want to re-establish the 50/50 property split.

But, of course, that's not the most important thing.

But of course, that's not the most important thing.

(But could we get it in writing anyway?)

So the all-in price for cancelling the divorce comes out at...

£1,250.

But, of course, couples nowadays don't really have to be married.

I'll write a cheque.

Well, I hope I never have another week like that.

No, you won't.

You haven't got any more parents left.

That came out all wrong, sorry.

I'm serious, Ben, I don't think I could take any more.

Ssh, it's all right.

It's been very emotional.

HE CRIES

-You're not crying about my parents, are you?

-You can't prove that!

THUNDER CLASHES

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