Darts All, Folks My Family

-Here you are.

-Oh, Ben. It's very romantic of you

-to take me out to dinner.

-I know.

Don't ever say I don't try and put a little spark into our marriage.

-You, my darling, are worth it.

-Aw, thank you.

And what a great idea to have a quick drink here

before we go to the nice place you promised.

Your table, Mr Harper.

Please tell me this is not the "nice place" you promised.

Come on, you'll love it here!

It's one of those new trendy gastro pubs.

-Oh, yes?

-Oh, yes.

And on tonight's menu, we have pie and chips, steak and chips,

chicken and chips and tonight's special...

chips.

Ready Salted or...?

It's traditional British cuisine.

It's like you research new ways to disappoint me.

I know. Cheers.

-Ben Harper?

-Hey...!

-..you.

-It is, isn't it?

Look, if it's a writ, just serve it.

You're Tony Harper's son, aren't you? Your dad was a great guy.

-Really?

-Yeah! When I was younger, I'd come in here,

watch him play darts. Best I've ever seen.

Any of that genius rub off on you?

Not when it comes to booking restaurants.

Eat your nuts.

Well, we've got an opening on our team, and, eh, it'd be an honour

to play with the son of Tony Harper. You do play, don't you?

Well, I have been known to throw the odd arrow or two, yeah.

I mean, I like to keep up the Harper tradition of excellence.

That's great. I'm really looking forward to it.

You've never thrown a dart in your life.

Just because your father was good at darts, doesn't mean you have to be.

I forgot to mention, we practise down here three nights a week.

Really? Three nights a week?

There's something to be said for genetics.

-Where's Grandma?

-We went for a walk,

and I raced her back from the corner.

Where is she?

So...who won?

I thrashed her.

-I'll get you next time.

-How about right now?

OK. I'll race you up the stairs.

On your marks, get set, go!

Someone's out of shape.

Which is odd cos you LOOK great.

-Don't you have a new job to go to?

-It's not till tomorrow.

Can't you check the route?

Hey! Another victory for The Menaces.

Who's the man? Yeah, baby!

Another victory for The Menaces.

Who's the man? Yeah, baby!

-Don't tell me. Your darts team won again?

-Won? Susan, I was on fire!

I was like a darts god walking among the mere mortals of today.

I was like Zeus throwing lightning bolts

and I won £2 on the fruit machine.

Maybe I'll come and watch you next time.

That's not going to happen. I don't need the bad luck.

-So you consider me bad luck?

-Darling, I've not won anything for 30 years

and I've been married to you for... 30 years.

There is one other common link.

Hmm? Don't you start your new job today?

-It's tomorrow.

-Is it? Can't you check the route?

Fine. I can take a hint.

Clearly not.

-Hi!

-Hi, darling.

-Oh, Mum, thanks so much for babysitting Kenzo.

I'm so looking forward to tonight. Do you know anywhere good to eat?

Actually, I know a very good place to eat.

-No, you don't.

-No, I don't. Susan? Door.

-Wait, Mum's opening doors for you?

-Oh, yes, Janey.

This is my darts hand - I can't afford to overwork it.

-What about your other hand?

-He overworked THAT at University.

Thanks for that(!) Dad, I didn't know you were any good at darts.

Good? Good?

Phenomenal, Janey, is the only word to describe me.

I can think of a few more.

You know, I think it's my destiny to win this darts trophy,

follow in my father's footsteps.

Oh, wow. What's it like to feel proud of your father?

Janey, you have no idea.

No, I don't.

-Mum, how do you put up with it?

-Because when he's focused on darts,

he's not interested in what I'm spending money on.

This is Dad we're talking about.

So, darling, my friend Gloria has a personal trainer.

I was thinking of hiring him myself.

-Yeah, nice.

-It's £100 an hour.

Lovely.

Wow! It's amazing how you can take advantage of him being distracted.

-Is he really that thick?

-Oh, yes.

You really look great tonight, darling.

-That dress really brings out the colour of your eyes.

-Oh, thanks, Mum!

-Could you take the rubbish out for me?

-Sure.

Hang on a sec...

Where do we keep the bin bags again?

Inhale.

Exhale.

I always thought personal training was a little more strenuous.

You must not think of me only as your personal trainer.

I am also your life coach.

And in order to have a sound body, first we must have a sound mind.

It's just I've been breathing on my own for over 50 years.

And you have been doing it all wrong.

Listen to the music as you breathe.

Andre, if you think I'm just one of those women

-who wants company for an hour...

-Breathe.

-It's just that...

-This is your rebirth, Susan.

Listen to the music as you breathe.

It's peaceful. It's tranquil.

It's only £10.

That sounds reasonable.

And breathe the incense, huh?

This is essence of white orchid,

grown high in the Himalayas by Tibetan monks

who have abandoned all worldly concerns

and live a pure and aesthetic life.

It's £17.50.

I'll take two.

Oui, Susan. Oui.

Yeah, look, I'm sorry, fellas.

How was I to know the son of Tony Harper would be terrible at darts?

I was a patient of his once.

He gave me three injections all in the wrong place.

-That should have been a warning sign.

-Look, I'm the captain,

I'll tell the loud-mouthed pillock he's off the team.

Hey! Another victory for The Menaces!

Who's the man? Yeah, baby!

Gimme five, Gus! Grizzly Gus!

O'Brienator! And big...

Hi, Martin. All right?

Whose round is it? Gus, good man, on your bike.

Come on, I'm parched. Lager top, please. Thank you, thank you.

So, boys, what are we talking about?

Oh, er, just about how to eliminate the team's main weakness.

Say no more. I've been expecting this for a while.

-Really?

-Oh, yeah, leave it with me, I'll deal with this.

OK, O'Brien, you're out.

-It's not O'Brien.

-It's not? It's Gus! It's Gus.

I'll tell him. I'll let him know gently. GUS!

-It's not Gus either.

-Yeah? Oh, bit confused, bit confused.

-Martin, You don't want me to talk to you about you, do you?

-No.

-Give me the shirt, Harper.

-The shirt?

-You heard. You're off the team.

-What do you mean?

No more discussion. You are no longer a Menace.

At least not in this respect. Come on, give me the shirt.

Hang on, this shirt's the only thing I came in!

-Look, your replacement needs it. Francesca!

-What?

I am Francesca. I am.

Oh, good. This is my replacement?

This is yes.

-Good, so can we...?

-Go home, little man.

-Can we just talk about this?

-Time for talk is over.

Give shirt and go.

You wouldn't be interested in a swap? No, fine.

-Look, if you want...

-Shirt!

-Eh, hang on!

OK, great, that's so good, thank you very much. OK, guys.

Got the message. See you, guys. Thank you, mates.

Bet you could use a drink.

Yeah. Hot toddy.

Sorry. No shirt, no service. Hop it, fleshy.

WHALESONG

SUSAN HUMS

Susan!

I thought you had darts tonight.

And a shirt on.

The skipper, Martin, said I was the weak link in the team.

-That's terrible.

-Tell me about it.

He's kicked me off the team and had me replaced

by a...woman.

I tell you, Susan, the looks on their faces

as I crept out of that pub.

It was the most embarrassing moment of my life.

They took your memory too?

I'd really set my heart on that championship trophy.

Oh, I know.

My dad would have been so proud.

Oh, Ben.

I'm not going to throw another dart again.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, maybe...you can find a new hobby

that will take you out of the house once or twice a week.

I don't know.

I mean, the thought of you moping around this house

-every night of the week...

-I know.

Oh, thank you, darling. You really do care, don't you?

Yeah, that's it.

So the relaxation mat was 60, the physio ball was 25,

and the heated neck wrap was 40?

Oh, and the Nepalese foot cream was £17.

Oh, of course.

-Namaste.

-Namaste.

-And the cheque.

-Oh, of course!

Merci. Now you have everything you need to achieve inner peace.

I'm home!

Want to bet?

You must be the lucky husband, uh?

Never thought of putting those words together, but thank you.

-A bientot, Susan.

-A la prochaine.

-A paja what?

-Hello, Ben.

-Goodbye, Roger.

-I need to talk to you.

I heard about The Menaces dropping you like a bad habit.

News travels fast, eh?

Well, you did wander around shirtless and drunk for two days.

Everybody's heard. Pecker up, Ben.

I bring news that will brighten your day.

-What's your good news, Roger?

-My friend Big Jerry has died!

Really? That's why you're in a good mood?

Big Jerry was on my darts team, Roger's Jollies.

Roger's Jollies?

Too macho?

-Surprisingly, yes.

-What do you say, then, Ben?

Care to join our swashbuckling band on board the good ship Jollypop?

Tell me, this Big Jerry, did he kill himself?

-Please say yes, Ben.

-Mmm, nah, I don't know.

Well, if you don't, then I guess we'll have to forfeit

our match tonight against The Menaces.

The Menaces? You're playing The Menaces?

Yeah, yeah, I'm not going to give up my chance of sticking it to Martin.

You've just found your last Jolly, Roger.

Brilliant. Here, try this on.

Your very own Roger's Jollies team shirt.

That's... That really smells, Rog.

Oh, that's Big Jerry. He died in that shirt.

-You didn't wash it?

-Yes, we did. Ten times.

It was a couple of days before they found the body.

Hang on, hang on, hang on, I know this guy.

Hey, um, Martin? Ready for our big match, then?

Harper. Do I need to get a restraining order?

-I told you, you're off the team.

-I'm not in your team -

I'm in Roger's Jollies.

You may laugh, but we have just earned ourselves

a place in next week's tournament.

-They give EVERYONE a place.

-Really? Well, nevertheless,

-we're going to win.

-Care to put your money where your mouth is?

-Don't mention money. It's dirty, I don't like the taste.

-I meant...

I know what you meant, I was being glib. £100 says I win it all!

You're on.

Yoo-hoo, Ben! Over here.

Ben, meet the other Jollies. This is Amos and Junior.

-Amos. Junior.

-I'm Amos, and HE'S Junior.

Junior, that's a little ironic, isn't it?

Junior, being an extremely old man.

No, no, no, we call him Junior because his father was Big Jerry.

The man who died is the father of this extremely old man?

-Big Jerry was 102.

-What? Oh, right.

Attention, please. Tonight's pre-tournament friendly

takes place between The Menaces and Roger's Jollies.

Yeah! Let the games begin!

Hang on. Harper can't be a Jolly until he's passed the initiation.

-Well, what's the initiation?

-First shake our hands.

-So what's the initiation?

-That's it! You're in!

Come on, Junior!

This exercise will help you to get in touch with your inner chakra.

You know, I've been doing everything you asked, Andre, but I'm still not feeling any fitter.

Perhaps we should check your progress in your exercise diary, huh?

Exercise diary?

You don't have one of my exercise diaries?

Helen Mirren writes in hers all the time.

-Helen Mirren?

-Yes.

She needed help to get rid of her, um...how you say...

.."bingo wings".

Maybe I should get an exercise diary.

Hi, Mum, I've just...

died and gone to heaven.

Andre, this is my daughter, Janey. Andre's my personal trainer. He's from Nice.

Nice to meet you.

-What did you come over for?

-Who cares?

-Janey.

-I mean, your mixer.

I need it. You know.

To mix.

In the kitchen. Get it and get out.

Janey!

OK! OK. OK.

-Ow!

-Michael!

-What are you doing here?

-He was watching through the door. He has a chair set up and everything.

-Has he?

Well, I'm sure you're both far too busy to stay a minute longer.

-Actually, I'm free all evening.

-Me too.

-Out!

-But your mixer!

Use your tongue! It's sticking out far enough!

Bye, Andre, it was "Nice" while it lasted.

Tough crowd!

Double 20! The Menaces win!

So, Ben, about our little wager. Maybe you should just give me the money now, eh?

Unless you still think you can win the tournament.

We were so close at the end.

Close? Roger, we lost by five sets, his highest double was a three,

and he broke a window.

But the important thing is that we all had fun.

Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun.

We'll do better next time!

Not with me, you don't.

I've had enough humiliation. Stick your Jollies. Goodbye, good luck and good riddance.

Ugh, that smells worse than it did when it was on the corpse.

Oh!

You know, I'm glad I gave up this darts lark.

Not really my sort of crowd.

I mean, it's hardly the sport of kings, is it?

All your chums at the polo club will be thrilled.

What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be at work?

I quit my job.

-What?

-What happened?

It just didn't do it for me.

Didn't do it for you? That is ridiculous.

That's the best job you've had in ages.

-Do you even know what it was?

-That's not the point.

You can't just give up something after two days.

Why not? YOU did.

That's entirely different.

No, it's not - it's the Harper way.

It's like you always say, "When the going gets tough, the Harpers get back on the sofa."

Can you believe that?

It's what he's been seeing since he was ten.

The only thing you've stuck at, Ben, is the thing you absolutely hate.

-Marriage?

-Dentistry!

You can't even stick at a darts team.

Don't you think your father had bad games? But he didn't give up.

But he wouldn't have hit the light above the board.

So how's Michael going to learn if he sees you give up?

You know, maybe I have the ability to win this tournament.

I mean, I may not have my dad's skill,

but I certainly have his fighting spirit.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going get this team together, I'm going to mould them,

mould them into champions.

-For my father and my son.

-That's my boy.

Now, what do we do about Michael?

He'll sort himself out.

Om...

METALLIC CLANG

And the double... There, you see. Look at this!

DRILL WHIRRS

Come on, come on, move it. Come on.

Oh...

What's the matter?

Pain, there.

Come on, out!

Go on, move! Here...

Ah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's the stuff.

Yeah, hurting now, hurting now!

Yes!

Now, listen to me lads, listen.

We can win this tournament.

The only thing to fear is fear itself.

And losing it.

What about humiliation?

I don't like spiders.

Oh, shut up, shut up, shut up! Let's just focus on the semi-final, shall we?

To win it, we've got to practise and practise and practise.

Now, come on, what's the matter now?

We're sick of practice, Ben.

My whole life is darts now.

I'm literally throwing darts in my sleep.

And the neighbours aren't happy.

-Their cat lost an eye.

-Oh, please, Roger, the momentum is with us then.

Now, look, to play like winners, we...

Think like winners.

Yes!

Somebody wake Junior up and tell him what I said.

Hey. Um...

Excuse me, I know that guy.

Oh, and give me ten more cases of that vanilla yoghurt.

Yeah! Oh, don't worry, I'll slap a "Nepalese foot cream" label on it.

These soppy bints will buy anything.

DOOR CLOSES

I'm sorry to disturb you, darling, bit of bad news.

Your personal trainer, he's a...well, bit of a conman, I'm afraid.

Yeah, not even French.

Oh, Ben, I knew this would come eventually.

You're jealous.

No, not jealous - I just overheard him boasting about ripping you off.

You're talking absolute nonsense.

He's my spiritual shaman.

Really? well, your "spiritual shaman" was seen smoking a fag

and downing a lager top.

I actually heard him calling you a "soppy bint".

In an English accent, I might add.

I just don't believe you.

Mmm, "Nepalese foot cream". I wonder what this tastes like?

Are you out of your mind?

Mmm, vanilla yoghurt!

What a lying sack of horse manure!

-I'm not lying!

-No, not you, him.

I feel such an idiot. I spent a fortune on all this stuff.

All right, calm down, it can happen to the best of us.

Ooh, I wonder what he put in... Ooh, "face scrub".

Let's have a taste of this!

I didn't get that from Andre.

Double 12!

Roger's Jollies win and go into tonight's final against The Menaces!

Let's do our song, crew.

# Jollies Jollies Jollies Jollies

# Jollies Jollies Jollies

-# With a...

-Jol Jol here!

-And a...

-Jol Jol there!

-# Here a...

-Jol!

-There a...

-Jol!

-Everywhere a...

-Jol Jol!

# Jollies Jollies Jollies... #

Hey, it really means a lot to me

that you came all this way to cheer on your good old dad.

Yeah...that and it's a pub and I was thirsty.

Would it have killed you just to lie a bit?

Well, if it helps you, you did inspire me to go back my job today.

-Great! How'd it go?

-I lost my temper and got fired.

Well, that's the Harper way.

Hey, Harper, ready to lose that money yet?

Ha, I'm not going to lose, Martin. You are.

Yeah. Well, I'm a reasonable man.

Maybe, if you like, we can call off the bet?

No way! I've got you where I want you.

You Menaces are going down.

-Yeah!

-You want to up the ante, Harper? Let's do it.

OK, come on, then - let's say... 200 quid.

-400.

-You're on.

Thanks for coming round at such short notice, Andre.

Oh, but of course, Susan - it is only an extra £40 charge.

Oh, namaste!

It's just that I've been reading up on some of the techniques

-you've been using and I thought I'd like to try one on you.

-Oh! But of course!

Please, please, take a seat...

and close your eyes.

Now, this is a mindfulness exercise,

and I thought you might like to work it into your regime...

or, as you say in France, "regime".

Now, I want you to think about something very, very peaceful.

Like a lake or a pond or a stream.

And now I want you to visualise... being tied up with a skipping rope

and having your own physio ball inflated inside you.

But, er, I do not understand, uh?

Well, me and a few other "soppy bints" you've been ripping off

will be happy to explain it to you.

Namaste.

Two-minute warning. Two minutes to tonight's final.

We have one more win and we'll win this championship.

Look at that! We're wrecks. We've lost our Jollies.

Roger! Just focus. Focus.

There are defining moments in every man's life, and this is one of them.

I want you, you, you to look deep inside yourselves

and see what you're made of.

What we do tonight in this pub will echo in eternity.

And I've got 200 quid at stake!

400.

You know, Ben, when I was at school and I got nervous,

I'd always have to go to the toilet,

but after your inspiring speech, as an adult, I realise that...

Oh, no!

Oh, Roger...

Ladies and gentlemen, let's play darts.

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

I crush you. And I was drunk.

That is why I am so...giggly.

Would you just get in here and stop polishing your trophy?

Look at that, Susan. Isn't she a beaut?

I can't believe you won. You must have played an amazing game.

Amazing! I'm telling you, Susan, you had to be there.

Imagine the scene. I'm standing there, at the oche,

the whole weight of Roger's Jollies on me shoulders.

I take the arrows.

-I knew what it would take to win that trophy.

-Get on with it and tell me what really happened.

Well, immigration burst in and arrested my replacement, Francesca.

Apparently, they got an anonymous tip-off that she was here illegally.

-What are the chances?

-I know!

So The Menaces had to forfeit the trophy, you see,

and we won automatically.

So, you had someone kicked out of the country for the sake of a plastic trophy?

And 400 quid.

Result.

You really are amazing.

Seriously.

If you had any conscience at all, you wouldn't be able to sleep at night.

SNORING

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