Susan for a Bruisin' My Family

Hey, baby.

Mwah! What are you reading?

Ooh, hello, what's this?

"The Ultimate Sex Quiz".

Oh, really?

God.

OK, let's have a go at this. What have we got here? Ah, question uno.

Always.

Yep, yep.

Oh! Mmm, sometimes.

When I can.

Ah, ooh - A, B, C? A, B or C?

Yep, C.

-SUSAN LAUGHS

-What?

Er, yep, B.

Incense. Oh, yes.

Yep, five and...

..cream.

-OK, finito.

-Ben, you do realise...?

-Sssh, sssh, ssh,

-I'm just checking my score, thank you. Here we go...

-BEN MUMBLES

-Ooh! Woo-hoo! Do you want to know how I've done?

-Ben...

100%.

100%. And look what it says here -

"Congratulations, Mr Perfect.

"Was there ever so much manly hotness in one package?"

Ha! What do you think of that, eh?

-I think you should give Michael his gay lifestyle magazine back.

-Hmm?

OK.

EXERCISE VIDEO MUSIC

FROM TV: 'Give me four more. Four and swing. Now give me your leg.

'Here we go. Forwards, side.

'That's it. Good. Four. feeling good.

'Energy!

'Four, three, two, one.'

Hey, baby!

If you want a real sweat-up,

why don't you come upstairs to the old Ben-nasium, hey?

Ben, aerobics requires 20 minutes of cardio,

not 20 seconds of your heavy breathing.

-BREATHLESSLY:

-It's your loss.

So why...why...?

-Why am I doing this?

-Yeah.

-I've got a school reunion coming up and I want to look my absolute best.

-OK, OK,

but if you want to stay younger, I've got one word for you.

Divorce?

Cavotox - "the easy way to banish those wrinkles."

Our company's asking all the dentists to administer it

-and they've got collagen as well.

-Ben, I do not need Cavotox and I do not need collagen.

I'm not one of those women who goes running to their surgeon

-any time they need a confidence boost.

-No.

I am au naturel and I am fabulous.

Course you are.

Not only am I in the best shape of my life,

but when I walk into that reunion,

people are going to be blown away by how successful I have become.

-Ooh.

-Are there double doors in there?

-I don't know, why?

Just want to make sure your head fits through it, that's all.

GLASS SMASHES

So, Mr Pepper...

Relax, it's all right, cos one day you're going to look like this.

After Cavotox.

That's it, just relax, relax, this is not going to hurt at all.

Ah...

Ah! Ow! Ow!

Hey, how did you get here? You driving now?

Mum brought me, she's talking to Grandma.

Oh, yeah?

Kenzo, does this thumb look any younger than that thumb?

Never mind.

OK. Shouldn't you be at school?

I got sent home early for kicking Sadie.

-Is she a little girl in your class?

-Sadie isn't a girl, she's a monster.

She's bossy, she thinks she knows everything.

Hang on, you did say Sadie, not Susan?

I hate Sadie.

Yeah, I used to kick girls when I was at school,

but you know what I found out later?

I found out that I quite liked those girls.

Ugh, yuck!

Yeah, you say that, but I know what's going on here,

because is there like a little teeny-weeny bit of you

that maybe kind of possibly likes her?

-No!

-And you'd swear that on your Spider-Man comic collection?

-OK. Maybe I like her a bit.

-Yeah.

There are other ways, you know, of letting a girl know you fancy her.

-Like what?

-You know, give her a present - like one of your sweets, perhaps?

I don't like her that much.

Well, it could be anything, you know. Flowers, jewellery, anything.

Is that how you got Grandma to like you?

No, blackmail and alcohol, but that's another story.

TAPE: 'You are a leader.'

I am a leader.

'You are an effective communicator.'

I am...

BELL RINGS

I am busy.

'You are calm and centred.'

-I...

-BELL RINGS

I said I'm busy!

BELL RINGS

For crying out loud, why can't you just go away and die?

Mary!

Susan!

Please, come in.

Not interrupting anything, am I?

Not at all, not at all. Please, take a seat.

How are you?

I simply couldn't be better.

You?

Oh, I'm fabulous.

-I'm calm, I'm centred.

-Then you're just the person I'm looking for.

We need a speaker to deliver the keynote address at the school reunion.

-Me?

-Well, I can't do it, being the event organiser.

-I would be honoured.

-Great!

Doesn't have to be a big deal.

We're looking at maybe ten minutes, uplifting material

that combines nostalgia with optimism and maybe throw in the odd joke.

I'm not bringing my husband.

You do understand it's in a week?

Oh, not a problem, I thrive on pressure, and to be honest,

I was sort of expecting you to ask me.

Well, actually, I did initially ask Patricia Phipps,

but she's out of the country.

I don't mind being second choice.

And Trudy Watson's got a family wedding,

so she suggested Nigella Fairfax, but she said...

OK, I get the point. I'll do it.

And the elephant said, "How on earth do you pick up peanuts with that?"

LAUGHS

Wrong crowd.

Hi, Susan. Could I have a quick word?

Yes, yes, of course.

Listen, we're having to make a few cutbacks.

-Cutbacks?

-Mm, which is why I wanted to talk to you first.

You're a key player in the team and we wouldn't want to lose you -

what we'd like is if you could cut your hours back to a few days a week.

Well, I suppose I could if it helps...

-You're the best.

-This job is really important to me.

And your experience is invaluable to us,

which is why we'd really like you to train someone up.

Lucinda?

Lucinda, this is Susan.

-Hello.

-She'll be showing you the ropes.

Sorry, Katie, I'm confused.

If you're making cutbacks, why are you hiring a new assistant?

She's not an assistant, she'll do what you do.

But I do what I do!

Yes, you do, but we'd like you to do it less.

Katie, may I have a word?

-What is going on here?

-Susan, the art world is always changing.

We're just trying to infuse the company with some new blood.

-What's wrong with the old blood?

-Nothing.

In fact, your input would be invaluable during the changeover process.

So I'm training my replacement?

-Absolutely not.

-This is a joke, right? You actually think I'm going to stand for this?

-Well, there's no need for that attitude.

-Attitude?

Here's an attitude for you. I quit!

-I mean, this girl who replaced me is a child, for God's sake.

-Hmm.

-The last art she saw was probably made with a potato.

-Hmm.

It's ageism, Susan, ageism, pure and simple. We can sue.

Well, not exactly.

They offered me fewer hours and...

Oh, no.

-I quit.

-Yep, good, course you did.

-It's a matter of principle. You wouldn't understand.

-What are you going to do now?

-I'm going to bounce back.

Yep, good for you.

I'm a fighter.

-I mean, I got asked to speak at my school reunion.

-Mmm-hmm.

They don't ask losers to speak at a school reunion.

Yeah...

-Is that the extent of your encouragement?

-Hmm?

Yeah!

You all right, Janey?

Kenzo gave Sadie a present.

Oh, right, ha! Ha!

Took Granddad's advice, huh?

Never fails. What did he give her?

My pearl necklace.

Worth £500.

Uh-oh.

Big uh-oh.

Were you attached to it?

Yes, Dad. I was attached to the fact it was worth £500.

-Um...leave it to me.

-No. Mind if I give this one to Mum? She's an expert at fixing your screw-ups.

Well, she's a little busy dealing with her own screw-ups right now.

Listen, don't worry, I think this calls for a little bloke-to-bloke chat.

Don't worry, I can't make it any worse, can I?

Don't answer that.

Janey, just leave us. I'll deal with this.

OK, Kenzo.

Ha-ha.

You've started early, Grandad.

Oh, it's just a little loosener.

So did Sadie like her gift?

-I think so.

-Yeah?

She's my girlfriend now.

OK, so that's a yes, then.

Hey, listen, K-Dog, don't you think you're putting all your eggs into one basket, you know?

When you go to the playground, you don't just stay on the swings, do you?

You get bored of the swings, you go to the roundabout.

And when you're finished on the roundabout, you go on the slide.

And then when you've finished on the slide, you go on the monkey bars. Wahey!

Did you bump your head, Grandad?

All I'm saying, Kenzo, is that you have your whole life... your whole life ahead of you.

You know, you're too young to settle down, you understand?

So should I give necklaces to all the other girls too?

Just... Come here.

Just let Sadie know that you're not ready to be her boyfriend yet, OK?

OK. Thanks, Grandad.

Cheers. Good boy.

-Well?

-Yeah, sorted.

So I'll get my pearls back?

Whoops. Sorry. Kenzo!

-Susan Harper?

-Yes.

Hi, thanks for coming in.

Take a seat.

I've been looking over your CV. It's very impressive.

Thank you.

-You seem to have done quite a lot over the years.

-Well, it hasn't been that many years.

Well, thanks for coming in.

We'll let you know.

Is that it? You haven't asked me anything.

-Well, I've got everything I need right here.

-Oh, OK.

You think I'm too old, don't you?

I never said that.

How dare you write me off? Just because I happen to be more mature

than those children in that playpen you call a waiting room...

Well, I have news for you. I have experience,

I have know-how and I have self control, and you're threatened by it.

So tell me, idiot, have I got this job or not?!

I've just answered my own question, haven't I?

Thank you.

Ah, there you are.

How did the interview go?

Shut up.

When do you start?

Funny(!)

Oh, come on, it's only one. You've got two more interviews tomorrow.

-Whatever.

-Eh, eh?

What happened to my little Suzie, eh? Come on, my little fighter.

You're right.

I'm stronger than this.

-Onwards and upwards.

-Yeah.

Good for you.

Out!

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

TV PLAYS

Susan?

Su...

Susan?

Have you been here all night?

What the hell happened?

This guy thought he was sleeping with his sister-in-law,

but it turns out she was a man.

Really?!

No, not that. You! What happened to you?

I had a little visitor last night - a little thing called reality.

Hey, hey, come on.

What time is your first interview?

Ha-ha-ha-ha! That's funny, really funny.

Hey, come on, you've got so much to look forward to, Susan,

you've got your interviews, you've got to make that speech.

You're keynote speaker, remember?

Well, let me fill you in with a little secret.

I wasn't their first choice.

Oh, there's nothing wrong with being second.

Third?

Fourth?

Fifth!

The fourth choice didn't even go to our school.

Good God!

Look at this, this is a mess.

Is this what I look like when I do this?

-Pretty much.

-Su...

-BOTTLES CLINK

-Susan, come on, this is not...

Susan.

Is there...? Argh!

Is there anything I can do to help, you know?

Just leave me alone.

OK, fine, I'll just give you a little space, no problem.

You're just pretending to care about me

-because you're worried I'm going to drink all your alcohol.

-I think that's really unfair!

Hi, Dad.

-Have you got my necklace back?

-Janey, please.

When I say I'm going to do something, I do it, OK?

I've made phone calls, I've sent emails.

-You're leaving this to Kenzo, aren't you?

-Well, he's a very resourceful boy.

Hey, I found a biscuit under the fridge.

-See what I mean?

-Where's Mum?

She's on the couch. She's having a bad time of it lately.

-What did you do?

-Hey, listen, I...

Hey, I didn't do anything at all. It's not my fault.

Ha! This is weird.

-You're absolutely sure?

-I didn't do anything.

-This is a first, I'll give you that.

-Do you want me to talk to her?

-Yeah, I'd appreciate that.

-OK.

-And you're absolutely sure it wasn't your fault?

-I know, who'd have thought?

Another little loosener, Grandad?

-How did it go with Sadie?

-Not so good.

I tried to get back the necklace, but she wouldn't do it.

-But she did give me this watch.

-Really?

Well, that's a very nice gesture.

That's a very... That's a Cartier! What are you doing?

-I'm putting it in the sink to see if it's waterproof.

-No, no, no.

No, no. Don't. No!

HE LAUGHS

I...I think your little friend Sadie didn't quite know what she was giving you.

No, I'm sorry, Kenzo, we're going to have to ring up Sadie's parents, yep.

This is going to have to go straight back.

Why are you putting it on your wrist?

Safe keeping. Safe keeping.

Because this is my little precious.

(Precious.)

This is very precious, you understand?

Mum, talk to me.

Doughnut?

No, thanks. Mum, come on, things can't be that bad.

Huh. You have no idea, Janey.

You're young, you don't know.

It's like you're walking along a train track

and it's right behind you, then, one day, bam - you don't even see it coming.

Life is pain.

It sucks your soul out.

You know, Mum, if I ever get married again,

would you mind if Dad gave the toast?

Hey, I'm just telling you like it is, huh?

You know, that's my duty as your mother, right?

Or have I been a bad mother, too?

-Worthless and a bad mother. Oh, fantastic(!)

-Mum!

-What are you talking about? You're a great mother.

-At least I'm not sugarcoating it.

A lot of mothers would sit here

and tell you, "Everything is going to be fine.

"Life is great, chase your dreams. Blah, blah, blah, blah."

But you know what?

The only place you're going to chase them to is the crap heap.

-Doughnut?

-Please.

FRONT DOOR SLAMS

Oh, Susan, come on!

It's been three days now, this is...

Susan, please, come on, this has got to stop.

Tell me at least you've worked on your speech?

Oh! Oh, yes, yes.

I worked on my speech all right.

Ha-ha!

SHE CLEARS THROAT AND COUGHS

"Ladies and gentlemen,

"I was told to start with a joke, so here it is...

"My life!"

Pause for applause.

"I stand before you today, unemployed,

"fat and angry."

Yeah. Rule of three, always good.

"When I was at school I hated every second of it,

"but who knew those would turn out to be the best days of my life?"

You should start with a few jokes,

you're coming across as a little bit of a sourpuss.

"Of course, sadly,

"some of our classmates are no longer with us.

"And, believe me, they had the easy way out.

"So, as far as I'm concerned, you can all take your optimism,

"and your positivity, and shove it up your..."

Yes, all right, Susan, that's enough, come on. Come on, this isn't you, Susan.

What happened to the girl who spits in the face of adversity?

She's watching Bargain Hunt in a vodka-stained tracksuit.

Hey, come on.

I think you need some help, darling.

All right? And I'm here for you...

because I love you.

DOORBELL RINGS

No, it's OK, don't get up, I'll get that(!)

-Hello.

-Oh, hi, I'm Twyla Curtis.

-I'm Sadie's mum.

-Oh, yes...um...of course.

Erm... Come in. Come in.

Not quite that far, just...er...

So Kenzo and Sadie are now an item.

I hope you approve?

Kenzo's a lovely lad. He's very handsome, too.

Well, takes after his grandad.

Oh. Where is he?

-About this watch, Twyla...

-Yes, I'm a bit embarrassed about that.

-I should never have told Sadie to give it to Kenzo.

-You told her to give it to Kenzo?

When I saw the necklace, I thought she should try and reciprocate.

I'm sorry, so you're not worried about losing it?

-Oh, no, it was my ex-husband's.

-Was it? Ah.

Mmm-hmm.

Of course, I should have just had her return the necklace straightaway, but...

Well, it's just a shame, really, because she just loves it.

Well, and he...er...just loves his watch.

-Mmm. I mean it almost feels wrong making them return them.

-Mmm.

After all, a gift is a gift.

That is true, isn't it? Very true.

Um, well...

Well, we could just...

let the kids keep them.

What a good idea. I mean, they know they can't do it again.

Well, not every day.

Well...lovely meeting you...

-And you.

-..Twyla. Bye.

HE CHUCKLES

(Ooh.)

Don't bother introducing me! >

Thank you for coming round, Vicar,

we really are at the end of our tether.

It's no problem, but I must say I was surprised you called.

I don't think I've seen you since you sang Away In A Manger at the Christmas nativity.

Well, that kid was making a right mess of it.

I just hope I can help. You see, it's a key part of my job

to offer guidance and support to those in need.

-Mmm-hmm. And you're free, right?

-You could always make a donation.

-We'll see how you get on.

-Well, Susan's depressed?

-Mmm, very, yeah.

And, you know, she's all I have, Vicar.

And...er...I'd be really grateful if you could at least just get her off the couch.

Mmm.

You know, Ben, a lot of people in the parish talk about you,

but to see this sensitive side of you, it's very heart-warming.

Oh, thank you, thank you so much,

but I would be grateful if you could get her off the couch by one o'clock,

because the Grand Prix is on.

And not only am I suffocating,

I feel like I'm trapped and drowning at the bottom of a 50ft well

and no-one can hear me scream.

But...you're all right in yourself?

-I just don't know what to do.

-Well, in these situations,

I believe that the simplest solution is often the best.

My advice to you is to find one simple thing that gives you pleasure.

Yes.

Vodka.

Or...or something more spiritual, perhaps?

It can be as simple as a walk in a park, a cup of tea,

or time spent with a loved one. DOOR OPENS

BEN MOUTHS

Or...or...or... or maybe just focus on something

that brings a smile to your face.

Tox me!

Susan, I've only just been approved to do this.

I mean, I want to practise on some patients I don't like

-before I do it to you.

-I don't care, just do it.

I thought you were above all this.

That was three days and 30 doughnuts ago.

The vicar told me I should focus on something that would put a smile on my face.

I'm not sure he meant injections with live botulism.

Look, if I look better, I'll feel better.

-I'll be able to walk into that room with confidence.

-OK.

OK, OK, OK.

-Step one. Right, step one.

-OK.

-"Wash hands thoroughly." Yep.

-Stop stalling and get on with it!

-Right.

You know, this was a lot easier with Mr Pepper.

-OK. All right?

-Mmm.

BEN EXHALES

Stay still, Susan. Stay still.

Yep, that's better, that's better.

-Nothing's happened.

-Hmm?

-I look the same.

Well, it says it takes a little time to work.

-Hang on.

-What?

-You said you could do collagen too.

You can't do it at the same time!

-I don't care. Just do it!

-Susan! Susan!

Collagen! Now!

-LISPS:

-Oh, my God.

-Mmm.

I look amazing.

Thank you, darling.

BEN CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

You all right now?

-I'm good to go!

-Yes!

-Kiss me.

-I'll try.

Ah, let me just get rid of a bit of that seepage on your forehead.

-Thank you.

-PHONE RINGS

Hang on, do you want...? No, I'll...

Hello?

Yes, hang on. It's Katie from the art gallery.

Hang on, I'll just see if she can talk to you.

And I mean really see if she CAN talk to you.

Hello?

I hope I'm not catching you at a bad time.

-LISPING:

-On the contrary, it's a perfect time. What do you want?

I'm afraid we made a mistake. We need you back here.

We underestimated how much experience means in this business.

Oh, really?

We'd like you to reconsider.

-LISPING:

-With an increase in pay?

-What?

-An increase in pay?

-Sorry?

-More money!

Yes, more money.

-I'll see you Monday.

-Oh, I think we have a bad connection. I'll see you on Monday.

-All right.

-Well done, that's great! Great, isn't it?

I mean you've got your job back. Ha! Congratulations! You look...

You look...

-happy!

-Thank you.

I don't know what happened to me - I was like I was a whole different person.

Oh, dear.

I'm sorry, darling.

-I'm sorry for being so hard on you.

-It's no problem, darling.

Aargh! What the hell have you done to me?

-You begged me to do that.

-I look like a monster.

-But a happy monster.

-I can't go like this. I can't...

-No, Susan, please, not on the couch again!

-I can't go like this.

-Susan!

No, no, no, you're right.

-I'm better than this. I'm Susan Harper.

-Mmm-hmm.

-I'm not going to let a little bump like this put me off.

-No, come on!

I am going to make the best speech of my life.

Yeah, yeah, course you are.

How do I look?

You look as pretty as a picture.

Come on. Go!

-LISPING:

-So, in conclusion, let me just say that we have been blessed

to attend this educational establishment...

Excuse me.

..where we have learnt to become strong,

independent women who can face the future with dignity and grace.

Wonderful speech, Susan.

You really spoke for all of us.

-Ladies?

-Oh.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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