A Night Out My Family


A Night Out

Sitcom. An eventful night out is had by all, as Janey and Susan go to a hen night, Roger goes on a blind date, and Ben spends more time out than he bargained for.


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Transcript


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So where are you off to tonight, Janey?

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That looks like your seal-the-deal, third-date outfit.

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Mike, I find that really offensive.

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It doesn't take me three dates to seal the deal.

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I'm going to our cousin Kirsty's hen night.

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I've never understood hen nights.

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It's an ancient ritual where women get together to binge drink,

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grope men and generally act like idiots.

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-Isn't that your normal weekend?

-No, I'm wearing devil horns.

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Now, Kenzo, I'll be back late tonight,

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so I want you to be a good boy for Granddad.

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He's promised to look after you properly this time.

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I didn't mind going to the bookies for him.

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He knew he shouldn't have made you do that.

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But he said that nag was bound to romp home.

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He used to use that line on me too.

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So, I have rented your favourite cartoon for you.

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-Granddad said he'll watch it with you.

-Thanks, Mummy.

-OK?

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Mike, could you come back later, to keep an eye on him.

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Janey, Kenzo's eight, he doesn't need two of us to watch him.

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-It's not ME she wants you to watch.

-Evening, all.

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Is there a spring in my step? Yes. Do I have a date tonight? Yes.

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Living the life of an international playboy? Yes.

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-Is that toilet paper stuck to your shoe?

-Yes.

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-So you can't watch cartoons with me tonight?

-Sorry, little man.

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This evening I'll be having a more adult version of fun.

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I'm afraid being a Lothario leaves little time for watching things like cartoons.

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-It's a new one.

-Can I borrow it from you later?

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So, where'd you meet this girl?

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Oh, where does one meet the love of one's life? A stolen glance.

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A chance encounter, an impromptu sharing of an umbrella.

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-The internet?

-Yes.

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You ready, Mum? Taxi should be here any minute.

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-What do you think? Too over the top?

-Mum, it's a hen night.

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The whole night's going to be over the top.

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In fact, maybe we should set up a few ground rules.

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You're going out with Sasha and me so things can get a little crazy.

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Don't worry, darling. I won't spoil your fun.

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I'll just stay for a few drinks and then I'll shuffle off to the old people's home.

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That would be great.

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Oh, promise me one thing, darling, don't embarrass me too much.

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I'm sorry, I can't do that, Mum.

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And don't tell me you've hired some cheap, tacky stripper.

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HORN HONKS

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Taxi's here.

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I'm rather looking forward to tonight.

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-It will make up for my own hen night.

-What did you do on yours?

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Well, it was a total anti-climax.

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I ended up in some cheap bedsit with a headache and a Cup a Soup,

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the only one still conscious after eight o'clock.

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Oh, no, hang on, that was my wedding night.

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This is the life, eh? Just me and you, eh, Kenzo? Just the lads.

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Mano to mano, bonding.

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Spending the evening together like a couple of good mates.

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Pop your own.

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-And what do you think you're doing now?

-Putting my cartoon on.

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I don't think so. Tonight we're watching a film of my choice.

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But you promised Mum that we would watch my cartoon.

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My promises mean nothing, your mother knows that.

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But I want to watch my cartoon.

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It's about time you developed a more mature sense in cinema.

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Tonight, I shall be watching a piece of serious, high-octane cinema.

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Not a silly cartoon about a stupid, talking rat.

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My cartoon won an Oscar.

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Your film's an over-produced remake,

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aimed at twelve-year-olds with short attention spans.

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What? What were you saying?

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Where's Sasha? She's not usually late.

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She probably went out and started without me, the party animal.

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-Looks like she started without you all right.

-What?

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THEY SCREAM

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-Look at you. What happened?

-Oh, these shoes don't go with this top.

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Sasha, this is kind of a surprise.

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-You're telling me. What do you think about Tequila?

-Are you sure you should be drinking?

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-No, I mean as the baby name.

-That's nice.

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-It already has memories for you.

-Now, where's the bride to be?

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Oh, she's here.

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THEY SCREAM

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THEY HUM "THE WEDDING MARCH"

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Kirsty, welcome to the wildest night of your life!

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THEY SCREAM

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How does it feel?

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He dumped me.

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Well, this is going well(!)

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-Can I help you, sir?

-I'm just looking for my date.

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Ah, that must be her.

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Excuse me, are you looking for a Roger?

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I'm sorry, I thought she was looking for a Roger.

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-Is anyone here looking for a Roger?

-Let me show you to a table.

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-Blind date?

-Yes, met her on the Internet.

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Although I haven't had much luck meeting women like that.

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There was one with the screen name "Clare76".

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I thought the "76" was the year she was born.

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Turns out it was her age.

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She'd had that screen name for a long time.

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And the next woman was lovely.

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But having her probation officer there really spoiled the mood.

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-Well, third time lucky.

-No, no, it wasn't.

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I ended up meeting a 50-year-old pig farmer PRETENDING to be a woman.

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-Oh, I'm sorry.

-Oh, no, no, no, don't be.

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He sent me a nice ham last Easter.

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-This film is rubbish.

-Excuse me?

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How can a film about a man from the future having a mutant virus

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injected into his bloodstream be rubbish?

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-It's not realistic, it's just stupid.

-Shhh, please.

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You're ruining the ambience.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Who could that be?

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-I ordered you a pizza, Granddad.

-You did what? Why would you do that?

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Well, I know how you like to eat pizza and watch action films, so...

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Ah, Kenzo. You are... That's so generous. Here, here.

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I feel really bad about not letting you see your cartoon now.

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-So I can watch it?

-Not that bad.

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-DOORBELL RINGS

-Yeah, all right. Hang on.

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Yeah, hello!

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Hello!

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-That's not funny, Kenzo!

-Yes, it is.

-Kenzo.

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Who rang the doorbell?

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I paid my friend down the road to ring it and then run off.

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-I'm missing my film.

-That's kind of the point.

-Kenzo, look.

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I'm going to count to...

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Kenzo, I'm going to count to three and you will answer this door, OK?

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One, two, three!

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-I think it works better if there's a threat at the end of it.

-Kenzo!

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You open this door. Do you hear me?

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Kenzo, you will open this door, do you hear me? Kenzo!

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Shh, you're ruining the ambience.

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Look, Kirsty, tonight doesn't have to be

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a celebration of the last night of your freedom.

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-It could be a celebration of your freedom.

-Yeah, who needs men anyway?

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-Clearly not you.

-Now, listen, Kirsty,

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-there are plenty more fish in the sea.

-Neil loved fish.

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-Oh, come on, Kirsty, let a smile be your umbrella.

-Neil loved umbrellas.

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Why don't you tell us what Neil didn't love and we can come up with better analogies.

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-Well, he clearly didn't love me.

-Nice one, Mum.

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All I'm saying is, this is as bad as it's going to get.

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Aunt Susan, I've got 200 people coming to the Rose and Crown tomorrow.

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OK, tomorrow's as bad as it's going to get.

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And a honeymoon in Mauritius with no-one to go with.

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See? You're making tonight look better and better.

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Ha, ha, who forgot to lock the back door, you silly boy, eh?

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Who forgot to lock the back door, you amateur.

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Kenzo?

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Oh, God. Oi, Kenzo!

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Kenzo!

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Amateur!

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-So, what do you think happened?

-Sounds like he got cold feet.

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I think somebody should call Neil and sort this out.

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Trust me, it's better if we stay out of this. Kirsty's a strong girl.

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All she needs is a shoulder to cry on.

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Or a backside.

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Fine, I'll call him.

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Hmmm.

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What goes with crisps, cheese and Jelly Tots?

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Ice cream!

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Oh, that looks disgusting.

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Who asked you?

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Can you save me a little bit of ice cream, please?

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Sorry, I'm a growing boy.

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Look, Kenzo, is there any chance of letting me in to see my film?

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Apparently, there's an amazing twist in the middle that comes as a complete surprise.

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-I really don't want to miss it.

-Oh, where they found out the main girl was an alien all along?

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Thank you.

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-Can I get you another drink, sir?

-Oh, no. Roger.

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Yes, I gathered that earlier from the whole, "Is anyone looking for a Roger?" thing.

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Or at least I hoped.

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-Well, it's nice to meet you, uh...

-Ellie.

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So, what do you do for a living, Roger?

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Oh, I'm a dentist. You?

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Well...I'm a waitress.

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Oh, sorry. Yes, yes, yes, of course.

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Oh, sorry. I'm a bit nervous.

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Don't be. You'll be OK, you're funny.

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I've enjoyed talking to you.

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Well, I don't like to brag, but I have become quite proficient in the art of conversation.

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I spend hours practising.

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Which is hard when you live alone.

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What have you got there?

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I ordered pizza.

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How did you pay for that? You haven't got any money.

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I know, but you do.

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You gave him a good tip, too.

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Thank you.

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Mojito?

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Sash, it's not really the best baby name, but...

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No! I was going to buy you a drink.

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Oh, Sash.

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So, listen, about your mum...

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Oh, I know, I know. I knew a hen night wouldn't be her thing.

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But she insisted on coming.

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No, actually I think she's pretty cool. The way she's mucked in and helped Kirsty out.

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I wish my mum was like that. She can be so embarrassing.

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So, her 15-minute lecture on how to use a breast pump wasn't embarrassing?

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No way!

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So, listen, when we go to Ayia Napa next month, I was thinking...

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-Please, no.

-Why don't we ask your mum along?

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Sasha, look, I love and respect my mum.

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But if you invite her, there's no way on earth I'll be there, too.

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Oh, I see.

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So can I get her number?

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Dad. What are you doing outside?

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I'm wishing upon a star, Michael(!)

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What the hell do you think I'm doing?

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Kenzo's locked me out.

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Little scamp.

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-Give me your key.

-Haven't got it.

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Oh, great(!)

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So every time I want to be at home and have a little privacy, you just let yourself in.

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The one time, the one time I want your key and you haven't got it.

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-It's called irony, Dad.

-Ring the naffing bell.

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Before you do, when the kid answers, the door step aside quickly so I can rush in and take the kid by surprise.

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You really do lead a sad and peculiar life, don't you, Dad?

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Just do it!

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DOORBELL RINGS

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-Who's there?

-It's Uncle Michael.

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So, can I get you a drink?

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Yeah, that'd be great, cheers.

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-What are you watching?

-Cartoons.

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Cool.

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Thanks for coming, Neil.

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I know you're going through a lot right now,

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but I just wondered if this is something we can talk through.

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Because I've found that so much can be solved through communication,

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a dialogue, an exchange of thoughts and opinions. Don't you agree?

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I suppose.

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-Is it possible that you were just overwhelmed by this whole thing and got cold feet?

-Dunno.

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Well, let's just go with that as a concept.

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I mean, the mere fact that you don't know might mean you're just not sure. Is that right?

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-Dunno.

-What DO you know, exactly?

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I'm wondering how you managed to string enough words together to finish with her.

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Oh, that was easy. I texted her.

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Well, aren't you the last of the great romantics(?)

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See, the thing is,

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I don't know if I want to be married right now.

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I just wonder if I can do any better.

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Let me answer that for you.

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-You can't.

-I mean, look at me.

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I'm a good-looking guy, right?

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I get a lot of attention.

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I'm not sure I'm ready to take myself off the market just yet.

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-You're serious?

-Yeah.

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I'm what the ladies refer to as "a catch".

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The thing about Neil is, he always seals the deal.

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I'm sorry.

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I'm just fighting the urge to physically strike you.

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What's in this sandwich again?

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Cheese, crisps, Jelly Tots

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and ice cream.

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And just a dash of pepper.

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Too much pepper?

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No, just the right amount.

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You know, on no level should this sandwich work.

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But it does, doesn't it?

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Totally.

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So, what's up with you and my dad tonight?

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Well, he wanted to watch his film and I wanted to watch mine.

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So I locked him out.

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Fair enough. Do you know when you're going to let him in again?

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How much longer's left of this cartoon?

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Another hour.

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Three hours then.

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You know, it's funny,

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watching the mind games you play with my dad, and the physical ordeals you put him through,

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well, it takes me back to when I was your age. It's so sweet.

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Don't get soppy now.

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No, no, I'm just saying.

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You know, it's nice to see similarities with other family members.

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Gives you something to bond over.

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Michael, if you don't let me in, I am going to inflict so much pain

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on you, you will see death as a sweet release.

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A sweet release, you hear me?!

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It IS nice, isn't it?

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So you were married once?

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Ah, yes.

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She was a wonderful woman.

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But relationships are such finely-balanced, nuanced things.

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And we were moving in slightly different directions.

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What happened?

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She became a nun.

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What about you?

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I'm just looking for someone who likes the same things I do.

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Board games, long walks, going to the zoo.

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But I love those things!

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-Really?

-Yes.

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Ellie, look, I know this sounds silly but,

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maybe things were meant to work out like this - my date not showing up.

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I think you might be right.

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Do you think you and I...

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I'm looking for a Roger.

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I'm looking for a Roger.

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Let me guess, Vera?

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I'll leave you to your date.

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Well, we're going to have to do something about that now, aren't we?

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Yes. Well, it's nice to finally meet you.

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I'm sorry I'm late, I've not been well.

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I had to lie down.

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I'm on antibiotics for fungus.

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You're a quiet one, aren't you?

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Oh, no. No, I can't get anything off this menu.

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I'll be sick at both ends.

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You're making a mistake here, Neil.

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You and Kirsty could be really happy together.

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Trust me, I know how fulfilling a marriage can be.

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Mostly by looking at other people's.

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I suppose what I'm struggling to understand here is why you asked her to marry you in the first place.

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Well, she's not TOO bad, I suppose.

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Let me rephrase that. What I'm struggling to understand is why she said yes.

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Look, Neil, you've broken the girl's heart.

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Have I?

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Yes! I mean, just look at her.

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Don't you feel anything?

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Yeah, I do.

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-You're going to talk to her?

-Nah, I need to use the toilet.

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Why don't you flush yourself while you're at it?

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Well, you dodged a bullet there, Kirsty.

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That man is a complete pillock.

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-What did he say?

-I don't know.

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I lost track of how many grunts for yes and how many grunts for no.

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Kirsty, you could do so much better.

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-You think?

-Of course. You're worth ten of him.

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The whole family has been talking about this

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for the past few months and we all agree you're better off without him.

0:20:040:20:07

-He's dull.

-He's arrogant.

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And he's a rubbish kisser.

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Apparently.

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Is that the best you've got?

0:20:480:20:50

And you know,

0:21:020:21:05

ever since I've known him, he's never remembered my birthday.

0:21:050:21:08

What a scumbag!

0:21:080:21:10

Makes Ben look like Prince Charming.

0:21:100:21:12

And you have no idea what an understatement that is.

0:21:120:21:15

I'll tell you something, I've been out with a lot of losers in my time...

0:21:150:21:18

And you have no idea what an understatement that is.

0:21:180:21:21

But this guy, this guy, he's a complete waste of space.

0:21:210:21:25

You're right. He would never lift a finger round the house.

0:21:250:21:29

-And try getting him to pay for dinner.

-What a dead weight!

0:21:290:21:33

To Kirsty.

0:21:330:21:35

To Kirsty and her great escape from an arrogant, self-obsessed troglodyte.

0:21:350:21:41

ALL: To Kirsty!

0:21:410:21:43

I'll tell you what, Kirsty, you are the luckiest woman in the world tonight.

0:21:460:21:49

If you'd married him, you'd be as big a loser as he is.

0:21:490:21:54

Listen, so how about we do this thing tomorrow, then?

0:21:580:22:01

OK.

0:22:010:22:03

But seeing you two kids together...

0:22:070:22:11

it's magic.

0:22:110:22:13

See you, Kenzo! Thanks for inviting me over.

0:22:180:22:21

-See you, Dad!

-Shut up, Mikey!

-What?

0:22:270:22:30

I'm trying to climb in through the window and be stealth-like.

0:22:300:22:35

-I'm using the element of surprise.

-I can't hear you!

0:22:350:22:38

I said I'm trying to be stealth-like and climb through the window.

0:22:380:22:41

-Come again?

-Push off!

0:22:410:22:43

-All right, Dad. No need to shout.

-Idiot.

0:22:430:22:48

You're becoming tiresome.

0:22:530:22:55

Are you finished with these?

0:23:010:23:03

-Yes.

-No,

-I'm

-not.

0:23:030:23:04

Anyway, that's the freeing thing about losing your toenails.

0:23:050:23:09

They grow back beautifully...

0:23:090:23:12

I hope!

0:23:120:23:14

So, who gets the bill? Oh, look at me, I've got alligator arms!

0:23:160:23:21

For someone who couldn't eat anything off the menu, you seem to have done rather well.

0:23:230:23:29

No, look, you're leaving way too much of a tip.

0:23:310:23:34

One, two...

0:23:340:23:36

Well, it was very nice meeting you.

0:23:390:23:42

Oh, honey, our night's not over yet.

0:23:420:23:45

I haven't shaved my 'pits for nothing.

0:23:470:23:50

Yes. Yes, of course.

0:23:510:23:53

Hi.

0:23:590:24:00

Did you forget something?

0:24:000:24:02

Yes.

0:24:020:24:04

I forgot to ask you out when I should have.

0:24:040:24:08

-Would you like to go out with me?

-Absolutely.

0:24:080:24:11

But there's one thing you should know. I have all my toenails.

0:24:110:24:14

-I hope that's not a problem.

-Not at all.

0:24:140:24:17

Roger, does your bathroom have a window, or shall I do it here?

0:24:200:24:24

We've had a bit of fun tonight, Kenzo. OK?

0:24:280:24:32

So, why don't you open the window?

0:24:320:24:35

Why should I? You wouldn't let me watch my cartoon.

0:24:350:24:38

Maybe we can come to some little arrangement and I could make it worth your while, if you let me in.

0:24:380:24:45

-Go on.

-Well, I can be a very generous man.

0:24:450:24:49

I'm listening. What have you got?

0:24:490:24:50

Depends what you want.

0:24:500:24:52

Sweets, new football boots and a bike.

0:24:520:24:56

A good one though, something classy.

0:24:560:24:59

-How good are we talking?

-Well, it's got to be a limited edition mountain bike, with 14 gears.

0:24:590:25:06

-Would you accept a second-hand model?

-I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

0:25:060:25:10

Oh, come on. They're very expensive, I've had a bad month.

0:25:100:25:13

Well, it's not my problem.

0:25:130:25:15

You know my demands, I've put my offer on the table, I can be

0:25:150:25:18

a very reasonable man but I will not be held to ransom.

0:25:180:25:22

Fine. Stay out there, then. I win.

0:25:220:25:25

-I didn't want it to come to this, Kenzo.

-To what?

0:25:250:25:28

I think you'll find your old Granddad still has an ace up his sleeve.

0:25:280:25:33

What if I were to smash the window?

0:25:350:25:38

-You're bluffing.

-Oh, I am, am I?

0:25:380:25:41

I think you are.

0:25:410:25:43

You think... Kenzo, you walk away, I'm going to smash the win... Kenzo.

0:25:430:25:46

You walk away, I'm going to smash the... Kenzo!

0:25:460:25:49

Ha-ha! You didn't think I'd do that, did you.

0:25:520:25:55

Now I'm in.

0:25:550:25:57

No, you're not.

0:25:570:25:59

-Hi.

-Hey, Mum.

0:26:080:26:12

Where's Grandma?

0:26:120:26:14

Well, Grandma drank a very fun drink, which made her very happy.

0:26:140:26:20

And, as a result, made her dance very energetically.

0:26:200:26:23

Until some men came over to take her to see some other men to talk about what she'd done.

0:26:230:26:28

So she got drunk and arrested?

0:26:280:26:30

In a nutshell.

0:26:300:26:33

So, how was your evening?

0:26:330:26:36

-Pretty quiet, really.

-Yeah?

0:26:360:26:38

Did you and Granddad enjoy your cartoon?

0:26:380:26:41

-Well, I did. Granddad didn't really get to see it.

-Really? Why?

0:26:410:26:46

He fancied some fresh air.

0:26:460:26:48

-So, where is he now?

-He went to bed.

0:26:520:26:56

He tired himself out,

0:26:560:26:58

he's had a lot of excitement tonight.

0:26:580:27:00

Ah, bless.

0:27:000:27:03

MUFFLED: Kenzo!

0:27:030:27:05

Is that your Granddad?

0:27:070:27:09

He's probably just having a bad dream.

0:27:090:27:11

Popcorn?

0:27:140:27:17

Kenzo!

0:27:170:27:19

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:350:27:38

E-mail [email protected]

0:27:380:27:41

An eventful night out is had by all, as Janey and Susan go to a hen night, and Roger goes on a blind date. And Ben, who should be at home looking after Kenzo, spends more time out than he bargained for.


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