Neighbour Not Going Out

MUFFLED: # And I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more... #

I've often fantasised about Lucy having a secret night in with a couple of twins,

but this isn't exactly what I had in mind.

Why leave it at just my sister? Throw my mum into the mix as well, make it a real family affair.

-In fact, why don't

-I

-join in?

-And cut.

What you doing?

If it's a Scottish theme night, I could blacken my teeth and shout fandabidozi.

I have this effect on women.

So it's the same even when they're conscious.

Lucy...

Lucy.

AH!

Wow. Now that is ear wax.

Never tap a shoulder without establishing auditory contact.

Clearly you haven't read the same Air Force dating manuals I have.

-What's going on?

-I'll tell you what's effing going on.

I have to finish this effing presentation for effing Tuesday,

but the effing bloke upstairs has been playing his effing music

at this effing volume for the last three effing hours.

I'm not 100%, but I think she means f...

# Not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #

Sorry!

..uck.

-Someone should say something.

-Be careful, I saw him moving

his stuff in yesterday. He looks a real psycho.

Well, it sounds like he's torturing a couple of Scottish blokes up there.

I'm serious - he could be a serial killer, for all we know.

-What are you talking about?

-John Gacy dressed as clown to kill.

Maybe this man works himself up into a frenzy by listening to The Proclaimers.

And then what - feeds his victims a shortbread biscuit and a can of Irn-Bru?!

Don't worry, Tim, I'm obviously not expecting YOU to confront him.

Well, just so long as... Sorry, why obviously?

Apart from the fact you are officially Britain's meekest man?

It's not official, it was just a casual poll in the office.

Is that the same reason you came home from school with a penis drawn on your forehead?

It was a test-tube.

It was drawn on to show I was...good at science.

Which kid made you fall for that?

Mr Jeffries, the PE teacher. If I'm such a wuss, you two can deal with this on your own. I'm going home.

Oi, shut up!

Don't do that! Tim said he looked dangerous.

Tim thinks that anyone north of the M25's dangerous.

I had to hold his hand when we went to see Cannon and Ball.

-Oh!

-Lucy!

You're just as bad as Tim.

-No, I'm not.

-So could you pop upstairs and get the noise turned down?

Well, normally I'd be up there like a shot, but I'm just the lodger,

-so it puts me in a very difficult position legally.

-Fine.

I'LL go. A young woman on her own...

in the dead of night.

Confronting a stranger, because the only man of the house won't do it.

I'll make you a nice cup of tea when you get back.

It's like rock, paper, scissors, isn't it? I rent, he rents - paper versus paper.

But you own, he rents -

scissors versus paper.

How do you beat someone with paper?

I don't need the full demonstration.

# ..I'm on my way

# From misery to happiness today... #

That's a shame. No-one in.

DOG BARKS THEN MUSIC STOPS

-(AGGRESSIVE MALE VOICE:)

-Shut up! Shut it!

Get in there!

Looks like I'm not going to be meeting the wife, then.

Hi.

I'm Lee from downstairs.

Just thought I'd pop up and say hello.

Hello!

Also, I couldn't help but overhear the music and I just wondered

if there's any chance you might consider turning it down a smidge.

Am I a naughty boy?

Sorry?

Am I a naughty boy? Is that what I am?

A naughty, naughty boy.

Who needs a spanky bum-bum?

Is that what I need?

A naughty, naughty...

..spanky bum-bum?

I... God, no.

You...you don't need any...bum-bum.

I mean, who am I...?

I know exactly who you are.

You're downstairs Lee.

I know where you live and everything.

I did say that, didn't I?

My mistake. I'm actually...

upstairs Tony.

Like I say, who am I... to tell you what to do?

Who died and made me God? No-one. No-one died.

Please God, no-one die.

I come here, interrupting your Scottish theme-based dog obedience classes.

You play your music as loud as you like, I'm not your mother.

My mother's dead.

You don't run a motel with her, do you?

Bye.

-Well done.

-Well, huh...

I left him in no doubt about the calibre of man he's dealing with.

LOUD MUSIC RESUMES

Oh, the silly sausage -

he's turned the volume knob the wrong way.

Look, maybe he's not the one with the problem here.

-Meaning it's MY fault?

-Yeah...maybe you've got noisy ears.

-Noisy ears?

-It's the opposite of deaf.

Right, that's it.

-What are you doing?

-I'm writing him a note saying exactly what I think of him.

A note? Don't write a note!

Notes are such petty things, little busybodies covering their fridge in Post-its.

Well, stop using your finger to scoop out the peanut butter.

-Spoons are for girls.

-Do you know how many people are killed each year by e-coli?

1,237.

How do you know that?

You wrote it on a note and stuck it on me urine sample.

No-one in history ever solved anything with a note. Winston Churchill used speeches.

"We shall fight them on the beaches, we shall never surrender."

He didn't just leave a little note saying, "could whoever's been doing the fascism

"please be aware that I complained to Yvonne in Human Resources?"

Look, will you at least compromise? Just sleep on it.

Where are you going?

TO BE-E-E-ED!

Sorry, was that a bit loud? I find it hard to tell with my noisy ears.

Fancy a coffee?

You seem like you're in a better mood.

Yeah, well, things seem different in the morning.

-See? I told you.

-Yeah, especially now I've been upstairs and left him a note.

I'm getting another Post-it for that, aren't I?

-You said you'd sleep on it.

-I did.

-I slept on it and then I did it.

-That's not what sleep on it means.

Sleep on it means sleep on it, wake up on it, have a bit of breakfast on it, then shower,

potter round for a while and have a nice long chat with me before doing anything about it...on it!

-What did you write?

-I just said, "Your music is occasionally a little loud,

"so would you mind turning the volume down to a slightly more acceptable level?

-"..You noisy prick."

-God!

Don't worry, I didn't leave a name. I signed it, "a disgruntled neighbour".

I'M his neighbour and when I went around to his flat I was disgruntled!

It's OK, he won't think it was you.

It's not like I wrote it in crayon and drew on a pair of tits.

Are you afraid he might hurt you?

Hurt me?! Tim, I'm afraid he might rape me.

You didn't hear him! "Do I need a spanky bum-bum?"

I haven't unclenched me cheeks for 24 hours.

You should slap the ponce.

-What?

-Knacker the tart up the old brass monkeys.

Warn him not to squeal to the fuzz.

-It's street talk.

-What street, the street that Chas and Dave live on?

You wouldn't talk like that to the guys I've been hanging out with. I've started weight training.

I wondered why you were so red and sweaty.

I thought someone had finally told you how babies were made.

I'm sick of you lot calling me a wimp, so I've joined a gym.

And not one of these modern ones either - a proper boxer's gym... weights, punch bags, skipping ropes.

I bet I can guess which one's your favourite.

-You're a bit self-conscious for stuff like that, aren't you?

-No, I'm not.

Tim, you go swimming in a girdle.

It's not a girdle, it's a lumbar support.

It makes my spine stronger.

-You should get one yourself, yellow belly.

-I'm not a yellow belly.

-In fact, I'm going round to see him again now.

-Good for you.

Make sure you mash him up well so the filthy scum don't sing no more.

If you must know, I'm buying him a house-warming present. I'm a lover, not a fighter.

I wouldn't tell HIM that.

I was examining a mole.

I'd hate to see how you check for testicular cancer.

All right, I was checking if I was making any progress on my guns.

Guns?

It's what we call them down the gym.

-What are those?

-These?

These are Russian AK 5mm assault rifles.

It's what we call them down at the flower arranging class.

-Are they for Mental Micky?

-Yeah.

Are you trying to shut this bloke up or sleep with him?

Either way, you won't be able to walk afterwards.

-I've just been up to see him, actually, and he didn't lay a finger on me.

-Really?

Yeah...he wasn't in. The woman next door said he wouldn't be back till very late on Sunday night.

Probably digging a grave to go with those flowers.

Who are they for - your boyfriend upstairs?

-You big wuss.

-No.

They're...FROM him.

For you. I've just been up to see him, have a word with him.

I said, "My flatmate Lucy's got some important work to do this weekend, so keep the noise down."

-And what did he say?

-He said, "Send my apologies to your flatmate and give her these."

-What, he'd already bought them?

-Well, he upsets a lot of people, he has them ready to go.

Could have been worse, he could have been really callous and nicked them from the scene of a traffic accident.

That was ages ago and it was Mother's Day.

Well, it's a start, I suppose.

At least I can get my work done.

Thanks a lot, it's really appreciated.

Oh, look, they've gone in the bin with the £2 book token, the giant Toblerone

and the jumbo box of Lil-lets.

She's difficult to buy for, all right?

-How can you lie like that?

-Listen, I did face up to him that first night,

and if he'd been remotely normal, he'd have turned the volume down.

That's what should've happened. Is that lying? Saying what should've happened?

Yes. Yes, it is.

Now, if I can just get that note back before he reads it, everything'll be fine.

And if I wake up tomorrow as a three-foot black midget, I could remake Different Strokes.

We can easily get it back.

Oh, WE now, is it? You've changed your tune.

You think you might need these babies to help you out?

What for? To show him what a sock full of cottage cheese looks like?

-You're just the lookout.

-The lookout? I'm more than the lookout! How many lookouts can do this?

What am I watching for, exactly?

Give it a minute.

Some people say the nuclear reactor is the most significant invention in human history.

Others the internal combustion engine.

But these people clearly haven't seen Lee's patent-pending brush your teeth

while hanging your coat incriminating note removal device.

Yes, well, they laughed at Robert Louis Stevenson when he invented the steam engine.

I'm not surprised. George Stephenson had invented it two centuries earlier.

-Are you nervous?

-I'm scared of nothing.

Not surprised. Look at you.

You're gonna live for ever, you're gonna learn how to fly.

I've come straight from the gym. Anyway, it's important to be ready for action.

We need to get in, get out, no messing. Bish bosh bang boom. Poof.

Listen to you, Andy Pandy McNab.

-Why does this toothbrush have your name on it?

-Lucy wrote it on.

-Why?

Cos I sometimes accidentally use hers.

Do you know saliva has more germs in it than urine?

It would have been less disgusting if you'd weed on it.

I'll pitch it to her.

This should be a doddle for me. Reminds me of when the fairground used to come to town.

-What, the "hook a duck" stall?

-No, I used to break into cars.

Oh, damn! Lucy's written it on a Post-it note, and it's stuck to the rug.

Stand back. You want a Post-it note unsticking from a rug, leave it to a real man.

Oh, brilliant, you've broke the toothbrush off now, you pillock.

Don't worry, you'll get it back, it's got your name on it.

-What are you doing?

-I'm cleaning the cupboards out.

One HobNob at a time.

We've got to think a way of breaking into his flat and getting that toothbrush and note back, and quick.

I've got an idea. Bust the skylight, drop down on nylon strings.

Blow the switches, then smack the security guards so hard

they'll be crapping their own balls out for breakfast.

Thanks, Tom Cruise(!)

I know how you could break into people's flats.

Get a locksmith to open the door for you, pretend that you live there and you've locked yourself out.

-That'll never work.

-Well, that's where you're wrong.

You see, I used to have this friend and she used to use this trick loads.

You see a long time ago, my...friend

was going out with this guy, but he kept pretending that she wasn't,

so she had to follow him everywhere he went just to remind him.

You mean she was stalking him.

No, it was not stalking. That's all just double standards, isn't it?

If a man pursues a woman that's romance, but if my...friend pursues a man

and perhaps sneaks into his flat

and leaves the odd surprise love note in places

like the bathroom cabinet saying things like, "I'm watching you."

Then the courts say, "Oh, you're a dangerous, obsessive, Barbara."

I mean Mrs Barbara.

Mrs Hannah Barbara.

Anyway, the point is it works, trust me.

Even with the restraining order.

Can't believe I'm taking advice from Barbara.

The woman who puts ant powder down the toilet in case they evolve.

Hello.

You the, er, guy that's locked himself out?

Yeah. I was, er, chasing after my friend here and the door swung to.

As you can see, he's barely got the mind of a three-year-old and I was halfway through dressing him.

It's his first day in big boy pants.

OK, no worries, I'll get you in.

Yeah. That door's triple locked all the way down.

I've got just the thing for this.

Wait here a sec.

So, once again I'm the patsy.

Don't be silly, I see you more as a Gladys.

Is that right? Maybe I should start moving this whole body building thing up a gear.

What's that supposed to mean?

Some of the guys at the gym tell me there's a few things I can do to help my progress.

Give nature a little helping hand.

What you gonna do? Leave the bag in your fruit infusion a bit longer.

-You're not talking about steroids, are you?

-Maybe.

-Tim, are you mental?

-I had a mate who took those and ended up in hospital.

-What type were they?

The type that made him grow an extra penis on his back.

-Anabolic?

-No, just a penis.

God, look at us! You considering steroids, me attempting to break into a flat for an old toothbrush.

Oh, yeah, what are we doing?

Come on. Let's go home, pretend none of this ever happened.

Just needed to get a run up. You see, I could have picked it, but it would have taken ages

and, er, what with your friend being a nugget short of a Happy Meal...

just thought, better get you in.

There you go, big fella.

Huggies Pully-Up Pants...

You're a big boy now.

-We're gonna have to leave town.

-You can't spend your life running.

That's rich coming from a man dressed as a Duracell bunny.

I'm not scared, I can be tough when I need to.

After I've spoken to him, he'll know I'm connected.

What to, broadband?

I've got an idea.

-What the hell did you do that for?!

-I'm burgling him.

Oh, I see you're burgling him, that makes so much sense now.

Just one question to clarify, what the hell did you do that for?

The only explanation for the door is a break-in. I'm making it look convincing.

Yobs want money for drugs, they trash the place, then off they go to spank the dragon.

Sorry, am I supposed to be picturing drugs, joy riding or wanking?

Have you got any better ideas, hey? Come on, I'm listening.

We could have said we smelled gas and we smashed his door down to stop his flat exploding.

Oh, yes, I suppose that could work.

Well, not now, what kind of gas explosion makes just the telly smash?

Maybe it happened on Ready, Steady, Cook.

Oh, well...

as my old man used to say, "If you can't beat 'em, what's the point in having grandchildren?"

It was quite exhilarating, wasn't it? I've never felt so alive.

Yeah, don't get used to it, he's back soon.

-Don't worry we'll get away with it.

-Do you reckon?

-Of course.

He comes home, "Oh, my door!

"What's happened? I've been broken into."

Yeah, could have been anyone.

-It's a completely random burglary, isn't it?

-Course it is.

In a secure block.

Ten floors up.

In broad daylight.

Where the only person affected is the nutter that's fallen out with the downstairs neighbour.

Tonight on a very, very short episode of Columbo.

Still, as long as the burglars were wearing gloves.

Oh, God, we're going to prison.

-I don't want to go down.

-Don't worry, some days it might just be cuddling.

-I've got it.

-Hit me! Don't hit me.

-We'll rob every other flat in the block.

-I've changed my mind, hit me.

That way the neighbour won't think he's been singled out.

We can't rob 60 flats, we've barely managed one.

-Well, we'll just do one or two.

-Like who's?

-Mrs Evans downstairs.

-She's 80 and partially blind.

Exactly, how's she gonna catch us?

-We'll do the new couple of the fifth floor.

-They've got three children under six.

They'll never notice the difference.

Well, we've got to think of something. He's gonna kill me!

Well, let him come, we'll gut him like a fish.

I'll use that nice John Lewis de-scaling knife I gave you for Christmas.

Oh, that was a fish de-scaler, was it?

No wonder it didn't clean the kettle.

Hang on,

I suppose there is one flat we can burgle.

Brilliant! Then no-one'll know it was us.

The one time.

Right, we can't be the ones to discover this, so we'll come back in an hour.

-Barbara, you'd better go too.

-Why do I need to leave?

I want people to think that we've been robbed, not that you've just done a double shift.

And don't forget when we get back the police might be there, so you've got to act surprised.

So, now you want me to act. Well, if we're gonna be a bunch of girls about this,

why don't we put our hair in pigtails and wear flouncy white dresses(?)

Because it's not your 25th birthday party again.

It was an Alice in Wonderland theme and I am not that guy any more.

Tell me about it. The last few days has been like watching Richard Briers murder a hooker.

Right, show me your best surprised face - you've just found out you're the victim of burglary.

I said burglary not buggery. Try and be Method about it.

Remember the last time you found a hole in one of your socks.

Perfect.

-Now, what did you do with them?

-I was up half the night with a darning needle.

I mean the toothbrush and the note.

-What do you mean what did

-I

-do with them? I thought you picked them up.

Tim, are you telling me we did a pretend burglary for nothing?

No.

We did two pretend burglaries for nothing.

Oh, God, he's gonna kill us when we get back.

I was thinking of going straight back to my place once I've finished this drink.

-Oh, here we go. Leave me to face him, you gutless wimp.

-You what?

This is your fault for smashing up his telly.

-I'll smash you up in a minute.

-Go on then.

-I said, "In a minute."

Yeah, you can talk the talk and you can walk the walk, but can you...

talk and walk?

Right, I've had enough of this.

Sounds like my wimpiness needs a helping hand.

-Are they steroids?

-Yeah, I got them from the bloke at the gym.

-They're gonna be like Energon to the Terrorsaur.

-What?

Transformers, from the original TV series.

Not the film, that was a disappointment.

Don't be an idiot.

Oh, you're gonna stop me, are you? Well, if you fancy your chances, bring on the thunder, little man.

TIM COUGHS

I usually crush up my tablets and have them with a spoonful of raspberry jam.

Lucy?

Lucy?

Evening.

Well, that's nailed my surprise face.

How did you get in here?

Did you just smash the door down, huh...?

Cos if you did that would be perfectly acceptable and understandable between neighbours.

Have you got something to say to me,

Lee from downstairs?

-Please, call me upstairs Tony.

-That's right, I keep forgetting.

Maybe I should write it down on a little note.

Or maybe...

a toothbrush.

Probably not a good idea.

It might get nicked and placed at the scene of a crime that...

you couldn't possibly have committed.

Oh, look, ha...

we've been burgled too.

If you have... I wouldn't know.

Do you know what I'm gonna do with you?

I'm gonna cut your knob off

and staple it to your head,

so everyone'll know you're a dickhead.

I could just tell them.

You're a dead man.

I take it you found some raspberry jam then.

How many of those bloody things did you take?

Let's just say there's a Bulgarian weightlifter somewhere who can't lift a feather.

I knew you wouldn't let me down. What are friends for? Come here.

I can't believe you stood up to the neighbour like that.

I just saw red.

Especially after I caught him trashing the flat like that.

I told you you shouldn't have left that note.

Tim just ran off and left you to face him alone?

Yeah, don't mention it to him - he's very embarrassed about it.

To be fair, he had to run off the side effects of those drugs.

-What side effects?

-Well, let's just say those Huggies pants came in handy.

What was he thinking about taking steroids?

The closest Tim's ever been to drugs was when he snorted half a tub of baking powder.

-Did he think it was cocaine?

-Oh, no, he knew what it was.

He inhaled it accidentally when he was making a Victoria sponge for his Duke of Edinburgh Award.

Oh, you poor thing. Did he do anything else to you or was it just the black eye?

Actually, he kneed me between the legs.

I'll get some more ice.

I still can't believe he moved out, you must have really frightened him.

Well, I grew up on a very tough Northern estate

and if there's one thing that taught me,

it's how to make people an offer they can't refuse.

What, everything for a pound?

You can laugh, but I think it's safe to say that's the last we've seen of our noisy little neighbour.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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