Speech Not Going Out

One hundred and eighty.

# If the lady wants a baby I'm the cock of the north. #

Not you.

One hundred and eighty!

Who said this is a game just for mentally challenged, toothless alcoholics?

One hundred and eighty!

Like watching an early Cliff Lazarenko

when he knocked Keith Deller out of the World Match Play 1984.

What you doing?

Trying to write a speech that I've got to make in less than 72 hours

to about 1,000 people. But, hey, tell me more about Cliff Lazarenko.

-In 1976...

-Listen! It's not just any speech but the Employment and Recruitment Federation's

-bi-annual trade conference!

-Say it again, you dirty bitch.

There's gonna be loads of important contacts there...get this right, I could clean up.

Not getting too technical for you, are we? Come in the kitchen, I'll explain what cleaning up means.

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #

Sorry!

Ladies and gentlemen, when people hear the phrase,

recruitment consultant, what do they think of?

Black clouds?

Dark foggy nights in a graveyard, dead puppies, EastEnders.

A faceless Mr X on the end of the phone,

promising to find Mr Y, but actually delivering Mr Z.

Have you been eating my alphabetti spaghetti?

I see the Daleks finally met their match.

-Toilet's blocked.

-Why can't you do it?

-I'm a cleaner, not a plumber.

-I'm a lover, not a fighter.

-You, a lover?

-You, a cleaner?

-Who's gonna end up doing it?

Same person who does everything else, speech writing, bill paying, telephone answering...muggins!

I wondered who'd been doing all those muggings.

-Roll on tomorrow.

-Why, what's happening?

-I've got a new PA joining me... Leslie.

-Ooh! Hello.

-A bloke.

Ooh, goodbye.

MOBILE RINGS

Ah...talk of the devil. Hello, I was just talking about you.

You're such a cheeky little boy, Leslie, I'll have to put you over my knee.

You have to be much stricter than that with cheeky little boys. Try punching him in the face.

-What? You can't do that to me.

-Now what's he suggesting?

-I don't care if you've found another position.

-Ah! I know which one he means.

Tell him you've always found it unhygienic.

-You cannot pull out on me like that.

-Make your mind up, love.

He's got another job.

I'll never get this speech written. I wanna kill myself.

That's an awful thing to say, I had aunt who killed herself.

-Sorry.

-That's OK I never met her.

Well, there goes my theory.

Missed your chance there, didn't you? Lucy's stressed, needs a PA...

70% of marriages start with an office romance, you know.

-My first love was a work colleague.

-What was his name...Mr Sheen?

Close...it was Barry.

Do you get it...Barry Sheen? Yeah.

Me and Barry used to work together, at B&Q, in Dagenham.

-Carry on, Emily Bronte, I'm welling up.

-At first I wasn't interested,

but then I needed some help in the bathroom department.

That's not a euphemism. Anyway they sent Barry over, he was brilliant,

really helped me out in a tight spot. That's not either.

-I soon saw what an honest, hard-working bloke he was.

-How long were you together?

-Not long, he got sacked for nicking a claw hammer.

-Is it really 70%?

-Yes. If an innocent man hadn't been condemned, we'd be together now.

-How do you know he was innocent?

-Cos

-I

-nicked it.

He was beautiful, Barry, had a unique knowledge of the Sanderson U-bend system...

all right, that one was a euphemism.

Thanks for helping me with this speech, Tim, I'm absolutely snowed under at the moment.

-It's OK, what are big brothers for?

-Crying to Mum that I broke his Scalextric set.

Leave it out, that was months ago!

Sorry for spoiling your day out, Daisy.

It was only the aquarium, I don't really like it, anyway.

I don't think fish should be kept in cages.

Right! Done it.

-Let's hear it then.

-Ladies and gentlemen, I know you're thinking,

"Who's this silly little girl who hasn't got the financial back-up

"or the brainpower to compete in this competitive world of head-hunting?"

But I've got something that puts me ahead of you bigger companies

-and do you know what that something is? I'm cheap.

-Oh, God.

-Barbara, be a love, and get me that bottle of Semillon.

-You don't need alcohol, but a lovely massage

-from your aunty Barbara.

-The thought of Barbara rubbing me down would eradicate any thoughts of Semillon.

Thank you.

Lucy, I've been thinking, I don't really like seeing you with so much on... I mean work.

-So I thought maybe I could be your PA.

-You?

-Yeah. I could help you with all sorts of things,

-like that speech.

-What do you know about speeches?

-I know they have to be funny for a start.

I did a best man's speech once, which started off with a friendly dig at the Master of Ceremonies.

What did you say?

"That's an interesting face... what do you do for a hobby, step on rakes?"

-That's funny. ..Were you there, Tim?

-Oh, I was there all right.

-Were you the master of...?

-Yes.

-I might use that.

-Here's another... I said to this bloke,

"Where you from?" He said, "Southampton." I said, "Sorry," he said, "Southampton."

-I said, "No, I heard you, I'm just sorry."

-That's good!

You were lucky with that one because what if he hadn't have said Southampton?

Here's another one. Ladies and gentlemen, to give you some insight into how nervous

I've been about this speech, this is the fifth time

today I've risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.

You can do the one about the horse with the long face.

The one where his face is long because he's a horse, it's not because he's sad or anything.

It's so funny.

Thanks for helping me with all this, Lee, it's great stuff.

I can be quite helpful if you gave me the chance.

Go on, what have you got to lose?

-You weren't sure about me before you hired me.

-Shush, Barbara.

-OK, a one-week trial.

-You won't regret this, I'll bring dedication, effort and efficiency to this job.

-That's a good one, get that one down.

-I'll prove to you that I'm the best PA since...

Who was a really good PA?

Oh, erm, oh, what's his name... from The A-Team.

PA, er, Baracus.

Good morning, Miss Adams. OK, just to brief you, you've got a nine o'clock with Mr Havashitski,

an 11.30 brunch with Mr Clackettyflaps, then a conference call with Jeffrey Twotits.

Don't forget it's your husband's birthday today.

Shall I book you a table or are we going to be tied up this evening?

-Why are you dressed like that?

-Like what?

-Like an uncle who's up on charges.

-I thought it was good to make an effort...

-first impressions are everything.

-My first impression of you was over a year ago.

-And no suit is ever going to erase the memory of that.

-There's nothing wrong with eating Sugar Puffs

in your Speedos. Anyway not your first impressions, your clients.

-You're not meeting the clients.

-What am I going to be doing?

-To start with you can make me a cup of tea.

-Make you a cup of tea?!

-It's not a problem, is it?

Can't we pretend I'm making you one just to be nice?

-If you like. Well, go on then.

-I haven't offered yet.

-Hurry up,

I've got other things I want you to pretend you want to do.

I'm doing a mailshot so I need you to put these letters into these

-envelopes and put a stamp on each one. Well?

-I'm making a cup of tea.

Have you heard of multitasking? It's like when you're watching

television and you're playing with your tackle.

You want me to make you a cup of tea and play with my tackle?

I really am overdressed, aren't I? Should have come in a boiler suit with little black arrows on it.

-Who are these people we're meeting?

-We? You're staying in the car. They're potential new clients

from a company that makes blackcurrant juice. I really hope it comes off.

The deal, not the blackcurrant juice. I'm tired of being a small operation - that's why

I need this speech to go well tomorrow. God, it's making me feel sick.

-It's the chicken and egg thing.

-You think it wasn't cooked properly?

Perceived as a small business with no staff, you'll struggle to get new clients.

That's why you should take your PA into this meeting. It's about image.

I never thought I'd be taking advice on image from a man who

-wears slippers in the street.

-Called Ugg boots, actually.

Makes you look like you've got dementia.

-Well?

-OK, you can come into this meeting, but please, please...

-What?

-You know that expression, just be yourself?

-Yes.

-Don't.

We've been let down so many times by our current recruitment agency,

-we thought it was time we sniffed around.

-Well, sniff away.

-Ah, here's my PA.

-I told John to wait in the High Street.

-Who's John?

-Your driver.

-Oh, sorry... John, I thought you said Keith.

Basically, Lucy, we're an expanding business and we need lots and lots of roles filling.

So catering people then?

-Mainly marketing.

-Right.

Oh, that reminds me, Brian phoned an hour ago.

-Brian?

-Marketing Brian, putting feelers out for a new position. He's a massive fan of blackcurrants.

-And what kind of salary would he be looking for?

-Erm...

-15.

-Is that all?

-That's a month.

-That's quite a lot.

-Well, he's the best.

Wasn't easy poaching a man like that away from Ribena.

He was on a good deal, and got good discount on the damaged cartons.

-Lee, could you pop back? I've left my phone at the f...office.

-The f...office is miles away.

-Please, it's really important.

-OK... I won't be long, I'll zoom back in the car.

You don't need these... John the driver's got his own set.

Actually, I might be a bit longer.

Those arses don't photocopy themselves.

-Are you sure you won't have just one more?

-Oh, I'm fine, I'm driving.

Not the car obviously...that's John's job. I mean, I'm playing golf.

What do you play off?

Grass.

-Are you OK?

-Yeah...

I told you not to get John that convertible.

What's that smell?

-What smell?

-Like a wet sheep.

It's me Ugg boots.

Lucy, we need to wrap things up here, but we've been very impressed with your pitch today.

-We'd be keen to meet up again and hear more about what you have to offer.

-Oh, great!

Lucy's making a big speech about her company tomorrow, you should come and hear it.

Sometimes I wish a great big hole would just open up and then it does and it's your mouth.

-OK, it's a date.

-Best thing I've heard since, "I have a dream."

-As good as Martin Luther King?

-I meant Abba.

It's good they're coming to your speech, it'll help get the contract.

Not your decision, you're just the PA.

Maybe if we really use our imagination we could pretend I'm a human being.

If I had that sort of imagination I'd be the next Terry Pratchett.

-Forget it, just make me a cup of tea.

-No.

-Sorry?

-It's not my job to make cups of tea.

-A PA's supposed to take dictation.

-OK, you ready? "Dear Lee, make me a cup of tea or you're sacked."

You're too late, I'm resigning. Good luck with your speech cos you'll be writing that on your own.

I'm capable of coming up with my own witty and intelligent remarks you...knob.

-This is unfair dismissal.

-You resigned!

-I retract!

-Already accepted!

-Give me me job back then sack me otherwise I'm suing.

-For what?

For sexual harassment in the workplace. I've seen you ogling me when I'm working.

Don't be ridiculous...working? This is about you having to take orders from a lady.

-Don't be ridiculous...lady!

-That's it, isn't it?

That's like saying I won't take orders from Hitler cos I don't like his moustache.

You won't take orders from me cos you think I'm like Hitler?

I won't take orders from you cos I don't like your moustache!

Thanks for helping me with the speech. Again.

That's all right I'm used to being second choice - ask Dad.

-He doesn't like me more.

-He used to watch you playing football and refer to you as the son he never had.

I'd stand there hoping he'd say I was good at something, but it never happened.

Not even when I won that synchronised skipping rosette. I've always been a letdown in Dad's eyes.

Well, I hope you're getting all this down, it's a real feel-good opener.

I've taken onboard what you wanted. I've thrown in a few funnies.

Barbara, you might wanna listen to this. A lot of people say to me

"Lucy, how did you get involved in head-hunting?" I say it's to do with my education -

when that went wrong, I ended up in head-hunting.

They're expecting Lucy to say her education was good, but...those flowers are wilting.

-Well, they weren't before you started that joke.

-Not as good as Lee's ideas, then.

-Lee's stuff's just a bit more...edgy.

-I can do edgy, look at the speech I did at Mum's birthday.

Tim, you made a safety announcement about fire exits.

There were a lot of candles on that cake. How about this? People say to me, how did you get involved

in head-hunting? I say it was either that or start smoking crack, you bunch of Muppets.

-You got sacked, then.

-I didn't get sacked, I resigned. Fetch this, she treated me like a dog.

-Why don't you just sit down with her and sort it out?

-Cos I'm not allowed on the sofa.

-After Barry there was this other fellow at B&Q.

-You got through a few...did they come flat-packed?

Jimmy was the fork-lift truck driver at the warehouse. He got sacked as well.

-Why, what did you steal this time?

-Nothing apart from his heart... and some shelving brackets.

But he didn't give up like Barry, if he hadn't fought for his job back,

we wouldn't have had that glorious summer making love in aisle 14 of fencing and corrugated roofing.

Lucy, can I have a word in private?

-Do you mind?

-Sure, if you need me I'll have my head in the oven.

-Only for a couple of minutes.

-I'll use the microwave.

-Well?

-I wanna say sorry about yesterday.

-What for, saying I was a member of the Nazi youth?

-I never said youth.

-Don't push it.

-For inviting those women to the conference.

I only did it cos I know you're gonna make a great speech.

Can I have me job back?

Please.

OK.

MICROWAVE PINGS

If you do what I say and stop arguing with me. You're on a yellow card, another one and you're off.

If you got a yellow card on a different day you wouldn't be off,

it's only on the same day. Oh, referee!

-It's a dry-cleaning ticket, I need you to pick up my dress for the big speech.

-I could have picked it up.

Go with him, keep an eye on him.

-Don't patronise me, Lucy, I'm not a child.

-Do you want to go or not?

-OK, but I'm holding the ticket.

Better check they've cleaned it properly.

Did your mum ever tell you it was rude to grab?

-Did your mum ever tell you who your real father was?

-Mr Snatchy!

-Who's he, an Italian waiter?

-Give it back!

-I'm her brother, it's my responsibility.

-I'm her PA, it's my responsibility.

-It's my responsibility!

There you go, it's your responsibility.

-You look nice.

-Yeah, why don't you go like that?

Where's my dress?

Tim's got it.

-Oh, look...

-What the hell have you been doing this time, you cretin?

I've got to leave in half an hour, this is the only nice dress I own.

I know, that's why I used my initiative and bought you a new one.

-You bought it, did you?

-All right, just cos you've got a Dorothy Perkins loyalty card.

-Who chose that?

-Him.

-Him. All right, me.

Oh, God, not the piano wire.

Oh, my God, it's actually OK. In fact, it's more than OK, it's nicer than the other one.

-So what's with the face?

-Sorry, my brain can't work out

what the biggest emotion is... pleasure or shock.

This is giving Lee an image of the last time he had sex.

-Yes! I love it.

-Well, there's that image gone.

Oh, my God, it fits as well.

Oh, this is perfect, thanks.

You can't see anything, can you, under the dress?

-How do you mean?

-It's just that it's a bit clingy, so, you know.

-What?

-I've had to go commando.

You've got a knife under there?

Think of Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.

An ice pick?

I've got no underwear on.

Excuse me, mate, are these your eyeballs? I found them in my sister's cleavage.

OK, put them back where you found them.

-Have you got your speech?

-Thanks for helping me with this.

It's all right, you can repay me with a Christmas boner...bonus!

-God, I'm nervous.

-Why don't I come with you? Bit of brotherly support.

-When you're going down in flames you can look at Tim and know your life's not so bad.

-Exactly.

-OK, why not?

-And what about your speech writer?

I'm sure Oscar Wilde was invited to the premier of...stuff he wrote.

I could stay and go through your potential client list. Use my charms to set up some new deals.

-Get your jacket - you're coming too.

-OK.

I'm wearing pants, is that OK?

No-one can deny it's been a very successful few years for our industry.

If you were to take the turnover from all our members and allowing for inflation,

turn it into a straightforward profit and loss graph since 2004,

it would show one simple thing...

What, that you haven't got a girlfriend? What kind of boring old tosspot wants to listen

-to a speech about graphs and inflation?

-Stop it.

-I was just saying...

-Hang on, this is interesting.

No industry can sustain itself without bringing in new blood.

And tonight I'm delighted to be able to introduce to you

one of these new kids on the block.

Ladies and gentlemen, Lucy Adams.

Thank you, and thank you, Peter McMillan, our chairman and host.

Looking at Peter, it begs the question, doesn't it,

what do you do for a hobby, step on rakes?

So, hello, let's meet the crowd.

-Where are you from, sir?

-Bristol.

-Pardon.

-Bristol.

-No, I'm heard you, I'm just...pardon.

You'll have to excuse me - I'm actually a bit nervous.

To give you some insight into how nervous I've been about the speech,

this is the fifth time tonight I've been to the toilet, I mean, risen from the toilet.

Anyway, I've been absolutely...

shitting myself!

This isn't exactly going to plan, is it?

You're probably thinking, "Who is this silly little girl?"

Well, let me tell you, this silly little girl

has got something that puts me ahead of you bigger companies.

And do you know what that something is? I'm cheap!

A lot of people ask me how I ever got involved in head-hunting,

I'll tell you. It was all to do with my education. When that went wrong, I ended up in head-hunting.

You're too kind.

What?

Sweet Fanny Adams.

Did you hear about the horse with the long face?

What a day!

Yeah, I've seen it all now. Could have been worse -

at least you didn't start firing ping pong-balls into the crowd.

-What did your blackcurrant women have to say?

-They thought I'd done it deliberately for effect.

They said I had balls.

Maybe I didn't see it all. So did you get the contract?

Yes, no thanks to you.

-Still, at least we've all learnt a lesson.

-And what's that?

You've learnt not to employ your flatmate again.

I've learnt I'm not cut out to be a PA, and Tim's learnt a new word, Brazilian.

Fancy a cup of tea?

OK, why not?

Make it yourself.

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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