Marriage Not Going Out


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Marriage

Lee is horrified when he hears that Lucy is considering marriage to Pavlov, a mechanic from the old Eastern bloc, just so that he can stay in the country.


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Transcript


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-What's the problem?

-Let's just say she needs a little tender, loving care.

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Maybe I should book her in for an all-over chassis massage and a Brazilian muffler wax.

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Not all women think of their cars as teddy bears, so why don't you tell me what the problem is?

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The distribution bolt has developed an influx

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-with the mainstay capacitor...

-Well, just don't hurt her, that's all.

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-You remind me of my sister.

-Why, does she feel like slitting her wrists

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-every time her car breaks down as well?

-No, she's dead.

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She was a political activist who opposed our brutal government.

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-One day, she mysteriously went through the windscreen of her car.

-I'm really sorry.

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Your face reminds me of hers.

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-Sorry, do you mean...?

-Before the accident.

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# Yeah, not going out

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# Not staying in

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# Just hangin' around with my head in a spin

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# But there is no need to scream and shout

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# We're not going out

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# We are not going out. #

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Sorry!

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-Hello.

-Nothing... I mean, hello.

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What are you looking at?

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Owls.

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It's half past 12 in the afternoon.

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Yeah, shouldn't you still be in bed?

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I'm wasted, doing this job.

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That explains a lot.

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Oh, look, the owl is rubbing sun cream on her breasts.

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They burn easily, owls. That's why most of them come out at night.

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-So where have you been?

-The garage.

-Again?

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It's the fourth time this week.

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Someone's got to make sure my car's in proper working order.

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-Why can't you do it? You're from the North.

-Some people find that kind of stereotyping

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-quite offensive, you know.

-OK, nick one for her instead.

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-You need a man in your life, don't you?

-No.

-Don't worry.

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-I'm not worried.

-You know, you're exactly the same as me.

-All right, maybe a little worried.

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We wake up in the morning looking for a man, and then we realise all

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the good ones are taken...and all the single ones are no good.

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Well, maybe I'm not going to be single for much longer.

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Anyway, I'm just going to go to the bathroom.

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Sorry, just to be clear, THAT meant that I understood about you wanting

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to talk about the new boyfriend thing. I am not taking drugs.

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-It's not a boyfriend, it's...complicated.

-Not a girlfriend, is it?

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-No.

-You could have given me a few seconds longer.

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Carry on.

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There's a mechanic at the garage. He's called Pavlov.

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-I know him.

-Do you?

-Yeah, when I ring the bell on the ice-cream van, he starts salivating.

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Well, anyway, the first time I went in, we got talking

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and he started telling me things, pretty much his whole life story.

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Ah, how lovely, and all for just £145 an hour plus VAT.

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He's not like that, he's a genuine hard-working, honest guy.

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And he's definitely a mechanic?

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He is now. In his home country, he was a playwright and an actor, but he's not

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-been able to do that for a very long time.

-Well, it's getting the parts, innit?

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So, er, why's he stopped the acting? Getting on a bit, is he, losing his looks?

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No. He's only in this thirties, and he's fairly attractive.

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The problem is, he's a political refugee. He's been arrested, imprisoned, tortured.

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Some of his close family have even gone missing.

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How attractive?

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Almost as attractive as you, but obviously not as sensitive.

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-He wants to stay here for good, but it looks like he's going to be deported.

-Oh.

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Is that it? "Oh?" A man is gonna be shipped back to face a lifetime of persecution,

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-a man who lives and works in our street. Doesn't that bother you?

-No, there's always Kwik-Fit.

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Lucy, we can't do anything.

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-Well, maybe

-I

-can.

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He needs to get married, and I've said I might do it.

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-Have you told Dad?

-It's nothing to do with Dad, or you.

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-Why did you tell them to come round?

-I thought they could talk some sense into you.

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Why don't they make Polo holes big enough so you can put your tongue right through?

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Just try and concentrate on what the taller one's saying.

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Lucy, what happens when you do meet the right person, one day, and you wanna get married for real?

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Yeah, the newspaper boy smiles at you, why don't you marry him? If he was your husband,

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-I wouldn't have to give him a tip every Christmas.

-Tip?

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-I remember when tangerines were considered a treat.

-I know all of this sounds crazy,

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-but wait until you meet him and hear his stories. He's had it really tough.

-We've all had it tough.

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-He's been tortured.

-We've all been tortured.

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My mum was pretty strict.

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She didn't attach electric wires to your testicles.

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All right, she never actually switched it on.

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What is your problem? I can understand Mary Whitehouse here

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getting on his high horse, because he's family.

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I can think of worse women to be compared to.

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A lady of morality and decency, and in her heyday, a very handsome woman.

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-But why are YOU so concerned?

-I'm just worried about you, that's all.

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Look, I'm not interested in having a real relationship with him, I just want to help him.

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I'm only thinking about it, none of this is a definite.

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Just thinking about it, are we? So why did Lee find these wedding magazines?

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-Have you been snooping in my wardrobe?

-I was looking for a lion and a witch.

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I don't wanna hear your crappy jokes, This is none of your business.

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Actually, it's "Narnia" business.

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Lucy, this isn't a game, you know.

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-You can't just dress up and pretend you're a princess.

-Oh, is that right?

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That was different, I was a child.

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14 is still a child! I can't believe you're even considering this.

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He might be a criminal.

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Maybe he's involved in the sex-slave industry. This time next year, you might be dancing naked in a cage

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-while hairy men thrust coins in your cleavage.

-Oh, lovely. Not even notes.

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Hey, I saw a documentary last night on Channel 4...

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..about zebras.

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I was just trying to change the subject. I thought everyone was getting a bit tense.

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Yeah, it's backfired, hasn't it?

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Daisy, do you know something about Polos? They reckon if you concentrate really hard

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and don't talk, you can find a secret second hole.

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-I'm telling you, Lucy, this whole marriage thing has to stop right now.

-Is that right, mister?

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Well, I was only thinking about it, but it's my life, not yours. I'm going to do it.

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No-one tells me what to do, you, him or Dad.

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You tell him, sister. We won't be pushed around.

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-Daisy, we're leaving. Get your coat.

-OK.

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Oh, I think I've found that secret second hole.

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It's on the other side, isn't it?

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-Well done.

-What do you mean, well done?

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Oh, it's an expression used when you've done something right. You wouldn't have heard it before.

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It's the opposite of, "Tim, you've made things worse again, you daft twat!"

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-You've gotta do what I do with your sister and tread lightly.

-Tread lightly?

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Why am I picturing a hippo in a ballet dress?

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-BOTH: How is your mum?

-I said it first.

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If this is anyone's fault, it's yours.

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How is this possibly my fault?

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Because Lucy's 30, isn't she?

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Oh, yes, I forgot - I'm responsible for her age.

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I knew I shouldn't have shagged your mum when I was...nine.

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Oh, nice. Not only have you slept with my mum, she's a paedophile.

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Look, when women reach a certain age, sometimes they start thinking about things,

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-and sometimes they act irrationally.

-That's true, and she did give me a nice biscuit afterwards.

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Not my mum, Lucy.

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She's obviously got a lot of confused feelings at the moment, like, will she ever get married?

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Is she past her sell-by date?

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-How's that my fault?

-It wouldn't have killed you

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-to ask her out for a drink occasionally.

-You've spent the last year and a half

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making sure I don't go anywhere near your sister. It was the first thing you said to me.

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"Lord help the mister who comes between me and my sister."

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-No, I didn't.

-Trust me, I never forget when I've been threatened with a Beverley Sisters lyric.

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Anyway, I don't want you going near her, but you could have asked her out

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just to boost her confidence, and then let her say no.

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Sorry, I keep making the mistake of thinking I've got some dignity. And what if she'd said yes?

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You'd have had to repeat the question so she heard you properly.

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If going out with me is such a disaster, why would asking her boost her confidence?

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She would realise, no matter how low she feels,

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-there's still a lot further she could fall.

-I'm sorry, can you speak up?

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I can't quite hear you down here with me face in the gutter!

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I don't know what I'm trying to say.

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This is giving me a lot of confused feelings as well.

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Oh, do you want to go out for a drink some time?

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I'm not expecting a yes, I'm just trying to boost your confidence.

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Maybe I should talk to her again.

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-And say what?

-"Come on, Lucy, you're not past your sell-by date yet."

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-Don't say "yet."

-Why not?

-Because that implies it's approaching.

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All right, "You're not past your sell-by date for ages.

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"You've got years. You're like... a bag of dried walnuts."

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That's good. But you just missed out "shrivelled and flaky."

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What is the problem? I always buy stuff past its sell-by date. It's cheaper, and it tastes

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-almost as good as the fresh stuff.

-If you remember that exact phrase and say it to Lucy,

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-I'm sure everything will be fine.

-Have you got any better ideas?

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I have, actually. I'm going to go round and see this bloke, lean on him a bit.

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Lean on him? Have you been watching Goodfellas again, Joe Pasquale?

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-I think you mean Joe Pesci.

-I know exactly who I mean.

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Ahem... Excuse me?

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Hello, can I have a word, please?

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Is he ignoring me, or has he been run over?

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Don't make me grab you by the ankles. I'm here to tell you

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to back off a little lady I like to call my sister!

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Sorry, have you been waiting long? I did not hear you.

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Where would we be without iPods, hey?

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Well, you'd be in hospital.

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I was just saying, Pavlov, or do you prefer Pav?

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Either will do.

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Well, I was just saying, Ivor...

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..I'm Lucy's brother. It's lovely to meet you.

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Oh, yes! Tim, please.

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I'm sorry we don't have any seats.

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That's OK. Don't let the tweed fool you. I've been to Glastonbury.

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Actually, it wasn't during the festival, they've just got a very nice cathedral.

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I know why you're here, Tim.

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To protect your sister.

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You're doing a good thing.

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I too was very close to my brother.

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Hopefully, one day, they will find him.

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I'm sorry to hear that.

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You are a good man, Tim.

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I see you have very kind eyes.

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Thank you.

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You've got very nice...arms.

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-So have you.

-What?

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Nothing.

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# You say potato He says, "sfasmersniak!"

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# You say tomato He says, "fenuffllite!"

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# Potato, sfasmersniak

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# Tomato, fenuffllite Let's call the whole thing a sham! #

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I wouldn't drink that, by the way, it's out of date.

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Who cares about sell-by dates? Looks all right to me.

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In fact, it looks more than all right.

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OK, so it's a bit chewy.

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Lucy, I've got something to tell you, but don't kill me.

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I'm sure it's not that bad. Unless you're finally admitting you fancy my mother.

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Oh, I'd never admit that.

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Or if it was something really stupid, like Tim went round to threaten Pavlov

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and you didn't try and stop him. Obviously, then I'd really kill you.

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Your mother was looking very attractive last week.

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-So you've spoken to Pavlov, then?

-Actually, I told her.

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I also said they had my blessing with the nuptials.

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What are you talking about?

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It means the wedding. Don't worry, I didn't know either.

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He's such a nice bloke, Lee. I can't let a man like that be deported. His stories are heartbreaking.

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Oh, for God's sake!

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It's all right for you, Mr Cynical, you haven't heard about the family donkey catching syphilis.

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They couldn't afford a general anaesthetic, so all the kids had to punch him to sleep.

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-Pavlov's asked Tim to be best man.

-Best man?

-I know, being told you're a man's quite nice,

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but the best one... I've always wanted to tie the tin cans to the back of the car.

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Oh, we did that at my Uncle Peter's wedding.

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He was a bit hard of hearing, so we used dustbins.

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Oh, it was so funny.

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Oh, actually, no, it wasn't, we killed a cat.

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-Have you any idea the trouble you'll be in if immigration find out?

-I think the cat was English.

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Lee, what we're doing is right, and come on, who doesn't like a big white wedding?

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I do.

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Sorry, Lee, what were you saying about fancying my mum?

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Immigration come round, you know.

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Test you, make sure you really do know each other.

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Don't worry, I've done my homework.

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Go on, ask me a question.

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All right, what's his date of birth?

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3rd July, 1975. Born in the village of Zetski, just outside the Capital, at 3.15am. Next!

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-What's his father's Christian name?

-Vladimir. Married Olga in June 1968, maiden name, Ivorniski. Next!

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How high can he jump?

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Ridiculous, our only daughter marrying someone to keep them in the country. Has she gone mad?

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-I said that. She's being a stupid idealist.

-She could end up in prison.

-I said that as well.

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That girl is not too old to go over my knee, you know.

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I feel bad having to come round and tell you this, but I didn't know where else to turn.

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I can't believe Tim is going along with this.

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-I told him to go and punch this bloke's lights out.

-Do you know where to find this fellow?

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-No idea.

-Pity. He wouldn't be marrying my daughter once I'd finished with him.

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-He certainly wouldn't consummate the marriage.

-Actually, I do remember roughly where he works now.

-Where?

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Flanders & Son mechanical traders yard, 365 Elmsley Drive, E16 4LJ. Want the phone number?

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Maybe Lee should come with us.

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I can handle myself, thank you very much.

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Far be it for me to interfere with Geoffrey...handling himself.

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It's not that finger.

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When Papa came back from the market, I looked up hopefully.

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"Did you have enough potatoes to exchange for a pig?" I said.

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But he shook his head,

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reached inside his sack and pulled out a cat.

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We have only the Lord to thank that little cat was still lactating.

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You look amazing, Lucy.

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Yes, you too, Tim.

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I knew it was only a matter of time before some lucky man stole you away.

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Yes, you too, Tim.

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-What's going on?

-Ah, Lee, we're just helping Lucy and Tim make some choices for the big day.

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-What do you reckon?

-Very nice, but isn't it illegal between brother and sister?

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Unless you want kids with curly tails and biscuit tin foreheads.

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Talking of which, you two aren't brother and sister, are you?

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I'm sorry, Lee, but Pavlov's stories are heartbreaking.

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-Oh, my God, he got to you as well.

-He had to go down a tin mine at 11.

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11? That's a lie-in!

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11 years old.

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So? I had a job when I was a kid.

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-We've all suffered.

-What did you do?

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I was a shelf stacker at the Co-op.

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-Someone get me Amnesty International(!)

-Have you decided what to do with those rings?

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You don't want people staring at you when you're fumbling in your pocket.

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That's good advice for you as well, Lee.

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Don't worry, Dad, I know exactly where they are. I'm taking no chances.

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I've attached a length of cord tied in a bowline knot, which is then secured to a tempered steel fob,

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which is, in due course, fastened to a specially sewn-in security tag on the inside of my waistcoat.

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You see, people are always mocking my precautious nature.

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But now, who looks the idiot?

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-Have you all gone mad?

-Lee, you should let us get on with things. There's a lot to do.

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Fine, but don't come crying to me when your daughter's a sex slave,

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forced into prostitution for old bits of scrap food.

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Oh, lovely, not even cash now.

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-What are you talking about?

-Ask Barbara when she gets here.

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She's already here.

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I know, it's the eye shadow. Is it too much?

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-Well?

-They say they will need to come around to your home three weeks after the wedding to interview us.

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-Maybe they will realise it's all a lie.

-Oh, it'll be fine.

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Everyone's helping, even Daisy. She made this on the computer.

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It's not perfect, but it's the thought that counts.

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You are right, everything will be fine.

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You know, I have never actually been to an English wedding before.

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Tell me, what is it like?

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I'm going to be wearing your bollocks as earrings!

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Yes, we'd want the honeymoon suite, plus another room next door...

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I don't know, in case things don't work out.

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Yeah, it's under the names of Pavlov Petrietskivadorski and Lucy Adams.

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Yeah, sure, it's A-D-A...

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Oh, I see. I've no idea.

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I'll check and ring you back. Bye.

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-Oh, so honeymoon now, is it?

-Well, us being married has got to look even more real now.

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Something tells me I'm going to get a visit from Immigration sooner than I thought.

0:20:310:20:36

Phwoar! Well, looking at this body, at least you won't have to do any faking in the honeymoon suite.

0:20:360:20:44

-I'm talking about orgasm...

-I know what you're talking about.

0:20:440:20:47

-We'll be in separate rooms.

-My parents spent their whole married life in separate rooms.

0:20:470:20:52

It didn't stop them having sex. No, it was father's latent homosexuality that stopped that.

0:20:520:20:59

-Where are you going?

-Goa.

-You're so lucky. I've always wanted to go to India.

0:20:590:21:04

It's been a dream of mine ever since I saw It Ain't Half Hot Mum on the telly.

0:21:040:21:08

Mum was lucky enough to go once.

0:21:080:21:09

-Oh, whereabouts?

-Pinewood Studios.

0:21:090:21:13

She got to meet Windsor Davies afterwards.

0:21:130:21:16

KNOCK ON DOOR

0:21:160:21:18

Good afternoon, madam.

0:21:200:21:22

Who are you, Clark Kent?

0:21:220:21:24

-Try again.

-Why, did I pronounce your surname wrong?

0:21:240:21:27

I'm from the Immigration Department, and I'm here to play a game we like to call...

0:21:290:21:35

-(AS BRUCE FORSYTH)

-Play Your Green Cards Right.

0:21:350:21:38

-The subject tonight is dodgy East European mechanics.

-What's going on?

0:21:380:21:44

I went to the Immigration Department this afternoon.

0:21:440:21:48

At least you've got the balls to admit it.

0:21:480:21:50

Well, for now, anyway.

0:21:500:21:53

-Ah, I see. You think I told 'em what's going on, don't you?

-Well, didn't you?

0:21:530:21:57

Lucy, I'm many things, but I'm not a grass.

0:21:570:22:00

-You're always telling me what Tim gets up to.

-That's not a grass, that's a snitch.

0:22:000:22:04

And that's fine, cos that suggests a certain cheeky rodent charm that you'd see in a Disney film.

0:22:040:22:11

I went to find out the kind of questions they ask you, I was worried.

0:22:110:22:15

And you could not be in any more shit if you drowned in a colonic irrigation accident.

0:22:150:22:20

Ah, you heard about Pavlov's cousin, then?

0:22:200:22:23

All right, you've got a test for me.

0:22:260:22:29

I'm prepared. What do you want to know, Pavlov's height, population of his home country? Bring it on.

0:22:290:22:34

What's your future husband's favourite television show?

0:22:340:22:38

-Sorry?

-Oh, that sitcom in the 1980s with Ronnie Corbett?

0:22:380:22:42

That's quite big, is it, in Hoojaflakichapistan?

0:22:420:22:46

What else does he like, Only Fools And Mountain Yaks?

0:22:460:22:50

What's his favourite fruit?

0:22:500:22:52

-Lemons.

-Oh, tasty(!)

0:22:520:22:56

On their own, or with a nice juicy onion?!

0:22:560:22:58

-Lemons.

-Are you sure?

0:22:580:23:00

-Yes.

-Because we at the Immigration Department check with your other half, and the answers have to match.

0:23:000:23:07

-OK, apples.

-Uh-uh!

0:23:070:23:09

-What's the answer, then?

-Lemons.

-This is ridiculous. You can live with someone, be married,

0:23:090:23:14

be madly in love with them and still not know what their favourite fruit is.

0:23:140:23:18

-All right, what's your flatmate's favourite fruit?

-He doesn't eat fruit.

0:23:180:23:23

-And why not?

-Because if God had wanted us to eat fruit, he wouldn't have invented bacon.

0:23:230:23:28

Our survey said...ding! And what's your flatmate's favourite television show?

0:23:300:23:34

Family Fortunes, the Bob Monkhouse era, as he feels that Les Dennis didn't properly engage

0:23:340:23:39

with the spirit of the format, and he's more than sceptical about the celebrity remake with Vernon Kay.

0:23:390:23:45

-Our survey said...

-Yeah, all right.

0:23:450:23:47

You've made your point.

0:23:470:23:49

God, I really don't know this guy at all, do I?

0:23:490:23:52

Don't chuck your life away. You're hardly drinking in the last chance saloon.

0:23:520:23:57

Maybe having a quick half in the "Is that the time already?" bar and grill.

0:23:570:24:01

-What am I doing? But I can't let him down now, I've promised.

-Don't worry, I'll deal with it.

0:24:020:24:09

It's about time this bloke tried one of his sad stories on someone else who's had it tough.

0:24:090:24:13

See where that gets him.

0:24:130:24:14

Are you OK?

0:24:170:24:19

-Yes.

-Can I get you anything?

0:24:190:24:21

No.

0:24:210:24:24

Sorry, it was the bit about your uncle having to eat his own false teeth that got me.

0:24:240:24:29

I think it's very nice, you try to protect Lucy like this.

0:24:290:24:33

Don't worry, I will go back to my country. It will give me a chance to visit my grandmother's grave.

0:24:350:24:42

Oh, God! You mean the one that kept warm by burning her own artificial legs?

0:24:420:24:47

-Yes.

-You didn't tell me she was dead.

0:24:470:24:50

The fire got out of control.

0:24:500:24:53

She couldn't get away.

0:24:530:24:55

Such a shame, you know. Everybody seemed to be so looking forward to this wedding.

0:24:570:25:02

Wait... I've got an idea.

0:25:020:25:06

-Do you really want to stay in this country?

-I'd do anything.

0:25:070:25:10

-Anything?

-Anything.

0:25:100:25:13

OK. You seem like you can cope with a bit of suffering.

0:25:130:25:16

You obviously don't mind excessive dirt, and you've obviously had a lifetime

0:25:160:25:20

of seeing your home being destroyed.

0:25:200:25:22

Barbara, how do you fancy a trip to India?

0:25:220:25:26

# Fantastic day

0:25:260:25:30

# Fantastic day

0:25:330:25:37

# Well, I can find a funny feeling funny as a smile

0:25:450:25:48

# When your mouth is all dry

0:25:480:25:51

# Why?

0:25:510:25:55

# Fantastic day

0:25:580:26:02

# Fantastic day

0:26:050:26:10

# Fantastic day... #

0:26:100:26:14

CAT YELPS

0:26:140:26:17

-I hope Barbara's gonna be OK. If Immigration were going to realise that

-I

-didn't know Pavlov inside out,

0:26:240:26:30

how is she gonna be any different?

0:26:300:26:32

It's OK, she'll be fine. We got a postcard off her this morning.

0:26:320:26:36

"Having a lovely time. Pavlov seems happy. They've got his favourite type of ham.

0:26:360:26:40

"He likes to cut the rind off and eat that first, which is unusual.

0:26:400:26:44

"He always has semi-skimmed milk, yet it's full-fat cheese. What's going on there?!

0:26:440:26:49

"Anyway, can't wait to get off this plane and see what India's like."

0:26:490:26:53

So, any regrets?

0:26:570:27:00

No. You?

0:27:000:27:02

Apart from not learning French.

0:27:020:27:04

Je ne regrette "croissant."

0:27:040:27:06

I'm glad I helped Pavlov. We've got a lot in common, me and him.

0:27:080:27:11

He lost both parents in the civil war, his brothers were kidnapped by the government,

0:27:110:27:16

and at the age of seven, he was taught how to use a machine gun. You were brought up in Chorley.

0:27:160:27:21

It's true. He doesn't know how lucky he's had it.

0:27:210:27:24

And now he's married to Barbara.

0:27:240:27:27

You win. He's got it tougher.

0:27:270:27:29

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:430:27:46

E-mail [email protected]

0:27:460:27:49

Lee is horrified when he hears that Lucy is considering marriage to Pavlov, a mechanic from the old Eastern bloc, just so that he can stay in the country. But he is a lone voice in trying to stop it, because one by one, as Lucy's family and friends hear Pavlov's tragic tales of life back home, they are persuaded that he is a perfect match for Lucy.