Life On Mars Bars Not Going Out


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Life On Mars Bars

Sitcom. Lee dreams of a perfect life with Lucy, but can the reality ever match up?


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0:00:040:00:05

-Got any plans tomorrow, Lucy?

-Nothing special. Why?

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Because your clever little flatmate

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has managed to wangle two VIP guest tickets to Wimbledon.

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Oh my God, the tennis?

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The dogs.

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Come on, it'll be a laugh.

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Where else do you get to lose money and shout abuse at a whippet?

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Every month when your rent's due.

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Look, Lee, it's very kind of you, but it's not my sort of thing.

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What isn't, me or the dog racing?

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What?

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Nothing. Forget it.

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Drop me off here. I'll walk now.

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Oh, don't be ridiculous, we're miles away.

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Well, I need the exercise.

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I'm in trap six and those wide bends are always tricky.

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Look, why don't we leave the car here? We can walk back together.

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I'm fine thanks, Lucy. I'm a big boy now.

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I don't need someone holding my hand when I cross the road.

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SCREECHING

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Ow.

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# We're not going out

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# Not staying in

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# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

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# But there is no need to scream and shout

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# We're not going out

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# We are not going out. #

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Either I'm at home or God shops at IKEA.

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Oh.

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Thank God you're awake!

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-What's happened?

-You've had a severe head injury.

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-You were hit by a car.

-What was the reg?

-I don't know.

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Lucy, where there's blame, there's a claim.

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Carol Vorderman doesn't say these things for fun.

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Why am I dressed like a 1960s transvestite?

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Lucy, what's going on? Why am I not in hospital?

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I told the doctors I wanted to take care of you, so I discharged you.

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-But you're not qualified.

-Well, who would you rather have treating you?

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Someone who may have a framed medical certificate hanging from his wall, but who doesn't know you,

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or someone who might not have the medical background

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but who does know you.

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And not only likes you, cares about you.

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Really cares about you.

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Definitely the first one.

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It's a severe head injury, Lucy. It's not a splinter.

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You can't pull it out with your teeth, then rinse your mouth out with gin.

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-That's not what you do for a splinter.

-I always thought Mum was being swayed by the gin.

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I'm going to take care of you, Lee, and then we're going dog racing.

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I'm even going to buy you your own greyhound, and we'll watch it race

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while eating pie and peas and sipping a pint of bitter under the moonlight.

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It's like watching a Yorkshire remake of Gone With The Wind.

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Take me, now.

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Do you mean sex or dog racing?

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You know what I mean.

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I want you to make love to me right here, right now.

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No buts.

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I wouldn't dream of asking for that.

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-Oh, I see. I get it.

-What?

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This. It's a dream, isn't it?

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What makes you say that?

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Because I don't remember asking Dad to stand there dressed as me mum.

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All right, son. I reckon you're in there.

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Bloody hell. What are you wearing?

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You look ridiculous.

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OK, Lee, none of this is real. It's a dream.

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You're actually lying in a hospital bed in a coma. We're all there.

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Me, Tim, Daisy.

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I don't think Daisy's fully grasped the enormity of the situation.

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She's brought you a jigsaw.

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And the doctor's just been in to see us.

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It's not good news.

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He says you might not...make it.

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Not the jigsaw.

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He says you might not pull through.

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Lee?

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Lee, can you hear me?

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Lee, it's Lucy, I need to know if you can hear me.

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Can you hear me, Lee? Lee, can you hear me?

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Yes, I can bloody hear you. I'm in shock. Shut up!

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Lee, can you hear me?

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Lee, it's Lucy, can you hear me?

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It's no use, Lucy. He doesn't know we're here.

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All we can do now is pray that he eventually wakes up.

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Would you say this bit is a piece of cloud or some spilt milk?

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We've got more important things to worry about at the moment, Daisy.

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You should always start with the four corners.

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The doctor said he might never fully recover.

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He might need round-the-clock care.

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It's a good job he's got us as friends, isn't it?

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I'll always be there for him, Lucy, whatever.

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Talking to him, feeding him, mopping his brow.

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He said he might not even be able to go to the toilet on his own.

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Wake up, Lee, for God's sake!

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I wonder what he's dreaming about.

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I don't even want to think about it.

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Trapped inside his own mind like a prison.

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God only knows what kind of hellish time he's having in there.

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Just give it to me, big boy.

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Then afterwards, I'll make you a lovely fry-up,

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or I could go and buy you some of your favourite chocolate.

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I quite fancy a nibble on a fun-size Mars Bar.

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It's like being in Carry On Up The Coma.

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I wouldn't complain, son.

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Dad! Would you go home and put some proper clothes on?

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Standing there in Mum's dress with your big hairy moustache and beer belly!

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It's like looking at... Well, it's like looking at Mum, actually.

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Oh, for...

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Look, Lee, we may never get another opportunity like this.

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You might wake up soon and then we're back to how it always is.

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-What does that mean?

-You know exactly what I mean.

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Me and you sharing a flat,

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with me constantly looking at you with adoring eyes,

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but knowing you're unobtainable because you're too mysterious, too enigmatic,

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too good-looking for a simple girl like me to...

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Blimey, this really is your dream, isn't it?

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Make love to me, Lee.

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I need time to think about this, Lucy.

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It doesn't feel right taking advantage of you like this.

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-Having said that, I don't suppose that fry-up's...

-No.

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-So how are you feeling?

-Yeah, I'm fine, thanks, yeah.

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I've been feeling a bit under the weather for the last few days,

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but not bad considering I'm in a bloody coma.

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You'll be fine, you hypochondriac.

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I know what you're like, it won't be a real coma. It'll be a man coma.

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It's not me that goes to A&E when I don't need to.

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That drawing pin went in very deep, actually.

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Anyway, stop panicking.

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You may be lying in bed all day in a near-vegetative state,

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but soon you'll be back to your old self.

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Lying in bed all day in a near-vegetative state.

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-Why are you being like this?

-Like what?

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This. All unbothered and casual.

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This isn't my doing, it's your dream.

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But whether you like it or not, we're really close, you and me.

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You're the best friend I've ever had

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and I don't want any harm coming to you.

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You know your sister wants to have sex with me?

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Lay a finger on her and I'll punch your lights out.

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If only I'd said yes to what he wanted,

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he never would have got out of the car.

0:08:170:08:20

Why? What was he asking you to do?

0:08:200:08:21

He asked me to go dog racing.

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What, like on a date?

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I'd hardly call dog racing a date.

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Where he's from, it's virtually an offer of marriage.

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-SHE SIGHS

-I can't find the four corners.

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I can't believe you, Tim.

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Your best friend is in a coma and all you care about is whether he asked me out.

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You're right.

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I'm sorry, Lee.

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I know I've always given you a hard time when it comes to you and Lucy,

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but if you wake up,

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I promise you can take her anywhere you like.

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I'll even let you walk through Kew Gardens hand in hand

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and you can woo her in the new exotic plant life exhibition.

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It's like being pimped by Alan Titchmarsh.

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Please wake up, Lee.

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Lee, it's Tim, can you hear me?

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-Lee, can you hear me?

-What?

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I just said I'd give you permission,

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to sleep with Lucy.

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I can't do that.

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Why not? She's a very good-looking girl, my sister.

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She's got Dad's powerful nose and my Romanesque jaw line.

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I'll bear that in mind when we're doing it.

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It'll certainly make it last longer.

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Go on, Lee, I mean it. Knock yourself out.

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Sorry.

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Are you sure it's morally the right thing to do?

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Absolutely. And maybe you could, you know, return the favour.

0:09:550:10:00

-How?

-Well, let's just say if in this dream of yours I get back to my flat

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and Margaret from The Apprentice tells me I'm a naughty little boy,

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I take my punishment like a man.

0:10:090:10:12

Deal.

0:10:120:10:14

He's in for a shock when she turns into Alan Sugar.

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SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYS

0:10:220:10:24

What's with the flowers?

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It was supposed to be a way of sweet-talking you into bed,

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but it looks like I needn't have bothered.

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It took me ages to untie them from that lamppost as well.

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Why don't you join me?

0:10:400:10:42

There's room for two.

0:10:420:10:43

-Well?

-What?

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Aren't you going to kiss me?

0:10:530:10:56

Give us a minute. I'm psyching myself up.

0:10:560:10:59

It's like when I went bungee jumping.

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I was so terrified I could hardly move,

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and then I just went for it and it was all over in seconds.

0:11:040:11:08

This is getting better by the minute.

0:11:080:11:10

Look, Lee, you don't have to do this, you know.

0:11:100:11:14

I want to.

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I just want to know that YOU want to.

0:11:160:11:18

Of course I want to.

0:11:180:11:20

Yeah. But this is my dream, isn't it? Does the real you want to?

0:11:200:11:24

Yes, she does.

0:11:240:11:26

She really does.

0:11:260:11:28

Blimey, that's big.

0:11:320:11:34

It feels like a foot.

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Like I said, it's my dream.

0:11:370:11:40

No, I mean, it REALLY feels like a foot.

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If that's mine, I'm more flexible than I thought.

0:11:470:11:50

All right, son?

0:11:530:11:55

Do you mind if I watch?

0:11:550:11:57

Dad, I mind if you breathe. Get out!

0:11:570:12:01

Where were we?

0:12:070:12:08

MACHINE BEEPS RAPIDLY

0:12:090:12:10

Well, you're right, his heart rate has definitely increased.

0:12:100:12:13

When did you notice this?

0:12:130:12:15

It just started. Less than a minute ago.

0:12:150:12:18

BEEPING SLOWS

0:12:180:12:20

It seems fine now.

0:12:200:12:22

Well, whatever it was, it didn't last very long.

0:12:240:12:28

It was probably something simple. Like a synaptic membrane spasm of the Buccal cavity.

0:12:290:12:34

I heard them say it once on Holby City.

0:12:360:12:40

I don't know what it means.

0:12:400:12:42

But to be honest, I'm not sure Patsy Kensit really knew either.

0:12:420:12:46

Wow, Lee, that was so...

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I know.

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..quick.

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Don't worry, it's a myth that women want it for a long time.

0:13:000:13:04

-Anything more than 60 seconds, it stops becoming enjoyable.

-Really?

0:13:040:13:08

It's your dream, sweetheart.

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I feel so...

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Tingly?

0:13:150:13:16

No...

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All warm inside?

0:13:180:13:20

No.

0:13:200:13:22

I was going to say I feel so...

0:13:220:13:25

pregnant.

0:13:250:13:27

What?

0:13:280:13:29

You just got me pregnant. Isn't it lovely?

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How do you know, we only just...

0:13:340:13:35

-Trust me, all the telltale signs are there.

-Like what?

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Well, there's that for a start.

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It's a baby.

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Or should I say babies.

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No, you shouldn't. You really shouldn't.

0:13:470:13:50

Right, won't be a moment, I've just got to pop to the kitchen and puke in the sink.

0:13:500:13:54

Don't worry, that's because of the morning sickness, not the sex.

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Having said that, that thing you did with your...

0:14:010:14:03

SHE RETCHES

0:14:030:14:05

Don't panic, Lee.

0:14:070:14:08

Just remind yourself this is all a dream.

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You're going to wake up very soon.

0:14:110:14:12

You mean, you hope you'll wake up.

0:14:120:14:15

-What are you dressed like that for?

-Like what?

0:14:170:14:19

Like a Chuckle brother in an ice-cream factory sketch.

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I'm representing the doctor treating you.

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There's no guarantee that you're going to wake up.

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You have to accept this reality for what it is and make the most of it.

0:14:280:14:32

What happened to me real dad?

0:14:320:14:34

Right, I'm going to check out that good-looking bird in Ward Six.

0:14:340:14:39

Brush up on my gynaecology skills.

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And there he is.

0:14:410:14:43

SHE COUGHS

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-You OK?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

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-Where's Lucy? Did you eat her?

-It's me.

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What happened?

0:15:020:15:04

Women put on a few pounds when they're pregnant, you know.

0:15:040:15:07

A few pounds, yeah. Not a banker's bonus.

0:15:070:15:12

You still love me, don't you?

0:15:120:15:13

Hang on, we never discussed the love thing.

0:15:130:15:17

Well, what about what we just did?

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We made love.

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Two became one.

0:15:200:15:22

Two became one? Look at you. It must have been an orgy!

0:15:220:15:25

You don't love me anymore! SHE SOBS

0:15:270:15:30

Come here.

0:15:320:15:33

Of course I do.

0:15:350:15:37

Great! Let's discuss the wedding.

0:15:370:15:39

Wedding?!

0:15:390:15:41

Yeah. We've got to get married.

0:15:410:15:42

You don't want bastard children, do you?

0:15:420:15:44

Not really, but it looks like I haven't got any bastard choice.

0:15:440:15:48

Great. We've got loads to organise.

0:15:490:15:51

I want a big white marquee, plus I've got to find a wedding dress.

0:15:510:15:55

Why don't you just get two marquees?

0:15:550:15:57

Look, can we sit down and talk about this properly?

0:16:000:16:04

You've made your mind up, haven't you?

0:16:040:16:06

-Let's go.

-Lucy, there is loads to organise. You haven't even booked a car.

0:16:090:16:14

Your carriage awaits, madam.

0:16:160:16:19

Have you got shares in a fancy dress shop?

0:16:190:16:21

That was the best day ever.

0:16:340:16:36

I loved your choice of music for me walking down the aisle.

0:16:360:16:39

My Heart Will Go On, beautiful.

0:16:390:16:43

Well, something from Titanic, it seemed appropriate.

0:16:430:16:46

Ooh!

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I think the babies are coming.

0:16:500:16:53

I'll get a doctor!

0:16:530:16:54

Change of plan.

0:16:590:17:00

Ooh!

0:17:000:17:02

It's too late. Here they come!

0:17:020:17:05

Ooooh...

0:17:050:17:06

Does the same one keep going round the back?

0:17:140:17:16

SHE GRUNTS AND STRAINS

0:17:160:17:20

Last one out, turn out the lights.

0:17:200:17:22

Ooooh!

0:17:260:17:28

Anything else in there, Dr Who?

0:17:320:17:35

KIDS SHOUT, GLASS SMASHES Oof! That feels good.

0:17:360:17:40

Better out than in.

0:17:400:17:41

Right, you better help me get this lot bathed and ready for bed.

0:17:430:17:46

You start your new job in an hour.

0:17:460:17:48

-What do you mean, job?

-Unbelievable.

0:17:480:17:51

Everything that's happened in this dream so far

0:17:510:17:54

and THAT'S the bit that shocked you the most.

0:17:540:17:56

You're the breadwinner now.

0:17:560:17:58

-So what's this job?

-Guess.

0:17:590:18:02

The way this dream is going, either rock cracker in Siberia

0:18:020:18:05

or a professional backside wiper to John McCririck.

0:18:050:18:08

But knowing my luck, probably both.

0:18:080:18:11

Why did I say it? Why did I say it?

0:18:150:18:19

I hope you're enjoying your sit down.

0:18:350:18:37

It's all right for you, I've been working all day.

0:18:370:18:40

What did you say?

0:18:400:18:42

I said it's all right for me, I've had the slightly easier life

0:18:420:18:46

of going out to work whilst you stay at home all day with the children

0:18:460:18:49

doing a job which is much harder,

0:18:490:18:51

but goes totally unappreciated by society.

0:18:510:18:53

Come here. Give me that.

0:18:560:18:58

Sit yourself down.

0:18:580:19:00

You can do that later.

0:19:000:19:03

What are you doing?

0:19:130:19:15

Well, you've been working hard all day,

0:19:150:19:17

the least I can do is have sex with you.

0:19:170:19:19

Lee, I told you last night, I haven't got time for that anymore.

0:19:210:19:24

Oh, I've had enough of this!

0:19:240:19:26

The kids were hard enough, but now I've got to add on to the list

0:19:260:19:29

celibacy and the job from hell. You know my right arm's gone numb?

0:19:290:19:33

A bit of manual labour never killed anyone.

0:19:330:19:35

It was the celibacy caused the numb arm.

0:19:350:19:39

Well, maybe I should take the kids and live with my mum.

0:19:390:19:41

Leave you to a single life with no responsibilities.

0:19:410:19:44

You can jack your job in and turn the flat into a lap-dancing club

0:19:440:19:47

that shows greyhound racing. Would that make you happy?

0:19:470:19:50

Go on, trap five! Go on, yes!

0:19:540:19:58

Ohhh. I'll tell you what, you can say what you want

0:19:580:20:02

about being hit by a Ford Escort at 50mph, but it's got its upsides.

0:20:020:20:07

I can't lie, he's not progressed much in the last few hours.

0:20:090:20:13

Almost like he doesn't want to wake up.

0:20:130:20:15

Are there any relatives who can speak to him, see if that makes him come round?

0:20:150:20:19

Well, I've left his dad a message.

0:20:190:20:21

Hopefully, he's on his way.

0:20:210:20:24

Maybe I could try. He's unconscious. He might not know the difference.

0:20:240:20:28

-LANCASHIRE ACCENT:

-Hello, son. How's thee fetlin'?

0:20:300:20:33

It's your old fella here, come from t'up north on t'choo choo train.

0:20:330:20:37

Ee by gum, he don't look too clever.

0:20:370:20:40

Why not waken thee sen up, son, and I'll make thee thee favourite, sugar butties.

0:20:400:20:45

Maybe you should try it with a cap on.

0:20:470:20:49

Me and your old mother are worried sick about thee, son.

0:20:490:20:53

Aren't we, me duck?

0:20:530:20:56

-EXAGGERATED CHINESE ACCENT:

-Ah, yes, me very sad, my wittle boy.

0:20:560:21:00

Me cry and cry and me think you are very close to dying.

0:21:000:21:04

And this make your mummy a vely, vely sad rady.

0:21:040:21:08

If he thinks his mum has turned Chinese, I thought the shock might wake him up.

0:21:120:21:16

Who knows, maybe it's me.

0:21:190:21:21

In the past, I've always been able to handle a woman.

0:21:210:21:24

Sorry, it's just the club rules.

0:21:240:21:26

Not you, I'm talking about Lucy.

0:21:260:21:29

OK, I admit it, I've always liked her

0:21:290:21:32

and I suppose I've always wanted to be with her, but...

0:21:320:21:35

-it just wasn't what I was expecting.

-What were you expecting?

0:21:350:21:39

I don't know. Me and her lying on the sofa, kissing and cuddling.

0:21:390:21:44

She playfully hits me with a cushion and then laughs uncontrollably.

0:21:440:21:48

Yeah, I know you might say it's not what relationships are really about,

0:21:480:21:52

but they seem to manage it on the DFS adverts.

0:21:520:21:55

I suppose I've just got to forget about Lucy and the kids and move on.

0:21:550:21:59

Sorry, can you move them back a bit?

0:22:010:22:03

The last thing I saw when I hit the windscreen was the airbags going off and it's giving me flashbacks.

0:22:030:22:08

Listen, son, it doesn't have to be over between you and Lucy.

0:22:100:22:14

Oh, for the love of God!

0:22:160:22:18

Dad, what are you doing?

0:22:220:22:24

I'm here to give you two bits of very important advice

0:22:240:22:27

that may save your life, son.

0:22:270:22:28

Well, go on, then.

0:22:300:22:32

Do you know what makes a real man?

0:22:400:22:43

Not even a hint of irony in his eyes.

0:22:430:22:46

I'll tell you. It's somebody who knows about responsibility.

0:22:470:22:50

It's someone who understands about caring for his wife and children.

0:22:500:22:54

Do you know what the alternative is?

0:22:540:22:56

You'll end up like me, old and alone.

0:22:560:23:00

And I don't want that for you.

0:23:000:23:02

So get your head out of the clouds and wake up, son.

0:23:020:23:05

And what's the other bit of advice?

0:23:050:23:07

You can look, but don't handle the goods.

0:23:070:23:10

Hello.

0:23:270:23:29

I'm the sheet monster.

0:23:290:23:31

I live in your dirty laundry.

0:23:310:23:32

Your mum let me in.

0:23:340:23:36

-What does she have to say to you?

-She said just cos it was my dream I couldn't act like I wanted

0:23:360:23:41

and assume everyone existed just for my amusement.

0:23:410:23:44

And what did you say?

0:23:440:23:46

Put the whip down and put some clothes on.

0:23:460:23:49

Come back home, Lucy.

0:23:500:23:52

What about the kids?

0:23:520:23:54

Do you want them back too?

0:23:540:23:55

-Course I do.

-All of them?

0:23:550:23:58

Eric, Ernie, Pele, Cassius, Charlton,

0:23:580:24:03

Stan, Olly, Harpo, Groucho,

0:24:030:24:06

Brucie, Keegan, Sid and James?

0:24:060:24:09

All of them.

0:24:090:24:12

Even little Nobby Stiles?

0:24:120:24:14

Of course I do. She's my little princess.

0:24:140:24:18

I love you, Lucy.

0:24:200:24:22

I love you, too.

0:24:240:24:26

My mum's looking after the kids.

0:24:310:24:33

It looks like we've got half an hour to spare.

0:24:330:24:36

Oh, for God's sake, not again!

0:24:380:24:40

You're like Christopher Biggins.

0:24:420:24:44

I hardly see you for 20 years, then you're never out of me face.

0:24:440:24:47

I'm sorry. It's not my fault this time.

0:24:520:24:55

-They sent me to fetch you.

-"LIFE ON MARS" PLAYS

0:24:550:24:58

It's time to go home, son.

0:24:580:25:00

What's that?

0:25:020:25:04

If those bloody kids have ripped off those roof tiles again, I'll kill them.

0:25:040:25:08

Off you go, son.

0:25:080:25:10

We're all waiting for you.

0:25:100:25:13

I can't leave Lucy and the kids.

0:25:130:25:16

It's fine. None of this is real.

0:25:160:25:18

But if you wake up, you might be able to make it all come true.

0:25:180:25:22

All of it?

0:25:220:25:25

All of it.

0:25:250:25:26

-Even the bit where you got all...

-All of it.

-Great.

0:25:340:25:38

The bigger the 'taters, the creamier the mash.

0:25:380:25:40

Size isn't important anyway.

0:25:410:25:43

We could do a deal on that if you like.

0:25:430:25:46

TINKLING

0:25:490:25:50

This is like being born again.

0:25:500:25:53

Except you're here this time, Dad.

0:25:540:25:56

# Is there life on Mars? #

0:25:580:26:05

-He's waking up.

-Will he be OK?

0:26:050:26:07

Oh, I should think so.

0:26:070:26:10

In fact, people who have near-death experiences often become all the better for it.

0:26:100:26:14

I wouldn't be surprised if the old Lee has gone

0:26:140:26:17

and what you're left with is a wiser, deeper, more insightful version of Lee.

0:26:170:26:22

Oh, Lucy. Thank God.

0:26:250:26:28

For a horrible minute then I thought you were going to be a great big fat pig of a woman.

0:26:280:26:33

When you were in a coma, did you dream?

0:26:490:26:52

A bit.

0:26:520:26:53

What about?

0:26:530:26:55

Just my recurring one about being chased by a giant orang-utan

0:26:550:26:59

whilst he's strangling a cat.

0:26:590:27:00

I'm going to have to stop watching those Simply Red videos.

0:27:000:27:03

Come on, what did you dream about?

0:27:070:27:09

I dreamt about you, actually.

0:27:110:27:12

-Did you?

-Yeah.

0:27:120:27:15

-You were married with kids.

-Who to?

0:27:150:27:18

-I don't know who it was.

-Was he good looking?

0:27:200:27:23

I would.

0:27:230:27:24

In fact, I have.

0:27:260:27:29

-What was he like?

-Oh, you know the type, witty and erudite

0:27:290:27:33

with a fine line in sarcasm that stays on the right side of endearing,

0:27:330:27:36

and a nice light touch when it came to risque banter

0:27:360:27:39

that always managed to be cheeky and never blue.

0:27:390:27:42

He sounds like an absolute wanker.

0:27:420:27:44

-Have you got any plans next Friday?

-Nothing special. Why?

0:27:470:27:51

Thought you might like to go to the tennis.

0:27:510:27:53

I'd rather go to the dogs.

0:27:530:27:56

That's not funny. I've seen you when you've gone to the dogs.

0:27:560:28:00

Is it a date or not?

0:28:000:28:02

It's a date.

0:28:030:28:04

Good.

0:28:050:28:07

I'll take that.

0:28:090:28:11

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0:28:300:28:33

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0:28:330:28:35