Life On Mars Bars Not Going Out

SONG PLAYS

-Got any plans tomorrow, Lucy?

-Nothing special. Why?

Because your clever little flatmate

has managed to wangle two VIP guest tickets to Wimbledon.

Oh my God, the tennis?

The dogs.

Come on, it'll be a laugh.

Where else do you get to lose money and shout abuse at a whippet?

Every month when your rent's due.

Look, Lee, it's very kind of you, but it's not my sort of thing.

What isn't, me or the dog racing?

What?

Nothing. Forget it.

Drop me off here. I'll walk now.

Oh, don't be ridiculous, we're miles away.

Well, I need the exercise.

I'm in trap six and those wide bends are always tricky.

Look, why don't we leave the car here? We can walk back together.

I'm fine thanks, Lucy. I'm a big boy now.

I don't need someone holding my hand when I cross the road.

SCREECHING

Ow.

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #

Either I'm at home or God shops at IKEA.

Oh.

Thank God you're awake!

-What's happened?

-You've had a severe head injury.

-You were hit by a car.

-What was the reg?

-I don't know.

Lucy, where there's blame, there's a claim.

Carol Vorderman doesn't say these things for fun.

Why am I dressed like a 1960s transvestite?

Lucy, what's going on? Why am I not in hospital?

I told the doctors I wanted to take care of you, so I discharged you.

-But you're not qualified.

-Well, who would you rather have treating you?

Someone who may have a framed medical certificate hanging from his wall, but who doesn't know you,

or someone who might not have the medical background

but who does know you.

And not only likes you, cares about you.

Really cares about you.

Definitely the first one.

It's a severe head injury, Lucy. It's not a splinter.

You can't pull it out with your teeth, then rinse your mouth out with gin.

-That's not what you do for a splinter.

-I always thought Mum was being swayed by the gin.

I'm going to take care of you, Lee, and then we're going dog racing.

I'm even going to buy you your own greyhound, and we'll watch it race

while eating pie and peas and sipping a pint of bitter under the moonlight.

It's like watching a Yorkshire remake of Gone With The Wind.

Take me, now.

Do you mean sex or dog racing?

You know what I mean.

I want you to make love to me right here, right now.

No buts.

I wouldn't dream of asking for that.

-Oh, I see. I get it.

-What?

This. It's a dream, isn't it?

What makes you say that?

Because I don't remember asking Dad to stand there dressed as me mum.

All right, son. I reckon you're in there.

Bloody hell. What are you wearing?

You look ridiculous.

OK, Lee, none of this is real. It's a dream.

You're actually lying in a hospital bed in a coma. We're all there.

Me, Tim, Daisy.

I don't think Daisy's fully grasped the enormity of the situation.

She's brought you a jigsaw.

And the doctor's just been in to see us.

It's not good news.

He says you might not...make it.

Not the jigsaw.

He says you might not pull through.

Lee?

Lee, can you hear me?

Lee, it's Lucy, I need to know if you can hear me.

Can you hear me, Lee? Lee, can you hear me?

Yes, I can bloody hear you. I'm in shock. Shut up!

Lee, can you hear me?

Lee, it's Lucy, can you hear me?

It's no use, Lucy. He doesn't know we're here.

All we can do now is pray that he eventually wakes up.

Would you say this bit is a piece of cloud or some spilt milk?

We've got more important things to worry about at the moment, Daisy.

You should always start with the four corners.

The doctor said he might never fully recover.

He might need round-the-clock care.

It's a good job he's got us as friends, isn't it?

I'll always be there for him, Lucy, whatever.

Talking to him, feeding him, mopping his brow.

He said he might not even be able to go to the toilet on his own.

Wake up, Lee, for God's sake!

I wonder what he's dreaming about.

I don't even want to think about it.

Trapped inside his own mind like a prison.

God only knows what kind of hellish time he's having in there.

Just give it to me, big boy.

Then afterwards, I'll make you a lovely fry-up,

or I could go and buy you some of your favourite chocolate.

I quite fancy a nibble on a fun-size Mars Bar.

It's like being in Carry On Up The Coma.

I wouldn't complain, son.

Dad! Would you go home and put some proper clothes on?

Standing there in Mum's dress with your big hairy moustache and beer belly!

It's like looking at... Well, it's like looking at Mum, actually.

Oh, for...

Look, Lee, we may never get another opportunity like this.

You might wake up soon and then we're back to how it always is.

-What does that mean?

-You know exactly what I mean.

Me and you sharing a flat,

with me constantly looking at you with adoring eyes,

but knowing you're unobtainable because you're too mysterious, too enigmatic,

too good-looking for a simple girl like me to...

Blimey, this really is your dream, isn't it?

Make love to me, Lee.

I need time to think about this, Lucy.

It doesn't feel right taking advantage of you like this.

-Having said that, I don't suppose that fry-up's...

-No.

-So how are you feeling?

-Yeah, I'm fine, thanks, yeah.

I've been feeling a bit under the weather for the last few days,

but not bad considering I'm in a bloody coma.

You'll be fine, you hypochondriac.

I know what you're like, it won't be a real coma. It'll be a man coma.

It's not me that goes to A&E when I don't need to.

That drawing pin went in very deep, actually.

Anyway, stop panicking.

You may be lying in bed all day in a near-vegetative state,

but soon you'll be back to your old self.

Lying in bed all day in a near-vegetative state.

-Why are you being like this?

-Like what?

This. All unbothered and casual.

This isn't my doing, it's your dream.

But whether you like it or not, we're really close, you and me.

You're the best friend I've ever had

and I don't want any harm coming to you.

You know your sister wants to have sex with me?

Lay a finger on her and I'll punch your lights out.

If only I'd said yes to what he wanted,

he never would have got out of the car.

Why? What was he asking you to do?

He asked me to go dog racing.

What, like on a date?

I'd hardly call dog racing a date.

Where he's from, it's virtually an offer of marriage.

-SHE SIGHS

-I can't find the four corners.

I can't believe you, Tim.

Your best friend is in a coma and all you care about is whether he asked me out.

You're right.

I'm sorry, Lee.

I know I've always given you a hard time when it comes to you and Lucy,

but if you wake up,

I promise you can take her anywhere you like.

I'll even let you walk through Kew Gardens hand in hand

and you can woo her in the new exotic plant life exhibition.

It's like being pimped by Alan Titchmarsh.

Please wake up, Lee.

Lee, it's Tim, can you hear me?

-Lee, can you hear me?

-What?

I just said I'd give you permission,

to sleep with Lucy.

I can't do that.

Why not? She's a very good-looking girl, my sister.

She's got Dad's powerful nose and my Romanesque jaw line.

I'll bear that in mind when we're doing it.

It'll certainly make it last longer.

Go on, Lee, I mean it. Knock yourself out.

Sorry.

Are you sure it's morally the right thing to do?

Absolutely. And maybe you could, you know, return the favour.

-How?

-Well, let's just say if in this dream of yours I get back to my flat

and Margaret from The Apprentice tells me I'm a naughty little boy,

I take my punishment like a man.

Deal.

He's in for a shock when she turns into Alan Sugar.

SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYS

What's with the flowers?

It was supposed to be a way of sweet-talking you into bed,

but it looks like I needn't have bothered.

It took me ages to untie them from that lamppost as well.

Why don't you join me?

There's room for two.

-Well?

-What?

Aren't you going to kiss me?

Give us a minute. I'm psyching myself up.

It's like when I went bungee jumping.

I was so terrified I could hardly move,

and then I just went for it and it was all over in seconds.

This is getting better by the minute.

Look, Lee, you don't have to do this, you know.

I want to.

I just want to know that YOU want to.

Of course I want to.

Yeah. But this is my dream, isn't it? Does the real you want to?

Yes, she does.

She really does.

Blimey, that's big.

It feels like a foot.

Like I said, it's my dream.

No, I mean, it REALLY feels like a foot.

If that's mine, I'm more flexible than I thought.

All right, son?

Do you mind if I watch?

Dad, I mind if you breathe. Get out!

Where were we?

MACHINE BEEPS RAPIDLY

Well, you're right, his heart rate has definitely increased.

When did you notice this?

It just started. Less than a minute ago.

BEEPING SLOWS

It seems fine now.

Well, whatever it was, it didn't last very long.

It was probably something simple. Like a synaptic membrane spasm of the Buccal cavity.

I heard them say it once on Holby City.

I don't know what it means.

But to be honest, I'm not sure Patsy Kensit really knew either.

Wow, Lee, that was so...

I know.

..quick.

Don't worry, it's a myth that women want it for a long time.

-Anything more than 60 seconds, it stops becoming enjoyable.

-Really?

It's your dream, sweetheart.

I feel so...

Tingly?

No...

All warm inside?

No.

I was going to say I feel so...

pregnant.

What?

You just got me pregnant. Isn't it lovely?

How do you know, we only just...

-Trust me, all the telltale signs are there.

-Like what?

Well, there's that for a start.

It's a baby.

Or should I say babies.

No, you shouldn't. You really shouldn't.

Right, won't be a moment, I've just got to pop to the kitchen and puke in the sink.

Don't worry, that's because of the morning sickness, not the sex.

Having said that, that thing you did with your...

SHE RETCHES

Don't panic, Lee.

Just remind yourself this is all a dream.

You're going to wake up very soon.

You mean, you hope you'll wake up.

-What are you dressed like that for?

-Like what?

Like a Chuckle brother in an ice-cream factory sketch.

I'm representing the doctor treating you.

There's no guarantee that you're going to wake up.

You have to accept this reality for what it is and make the most of it.

What happened to me real dad?

Right, I'm going to check out that good-looking bird in Ward Six.

Brush up on my gynaecology skills.

And there he is.

SHE COUGHS

-You OK?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

-Where's Lucy? Did you eat her?

-It's me.

What happened?

Women put on a few pounds when they're pregnant, you know.

A few pounds, yeah. Not a banker's bonus.

You still love me, don't you?

Hang on, we never discussed the love thing.

Well, what about what we just did?

We made love.

Two became one.

Two became one? Look at you. It must have been an orgy!

You don't love me anymore! SHE SOBS

Come here.

Of course I do.

Great! Let's discuss the wedding.

Wedding?!

Yeah. We've got to get married.

You don't want bastard children, do you?

Not really, but it looks like I haven't got any bastard choice.

Great. We've got loads to organise.

I want a big white marquee, plus I've got to find a wedding dress.

Why don't you just get two marquees?

Look, can we sit down and talk about this properly?

You've made your mind up, haven't you?

-Let's go.

-Lucy, there is loads to organise. You haven't even booked a car.

Your carriage awaits, madam.

Have you got shares in a fancy dress shop?

That was the best day ever.

I loved your choice of music for me walking down the aisle.

My Heart Will Go On, beautiful.

Well, something from Titanic, it seemed appropriate.

Ooh!

I think the babies are coming.

I'll get a doctor!

Change of plan.

Ooh!

It's too late. Here they come!

Ooooh...

Does the same one keep going round the back?

SHE GRUNTS AND STRAINS

Last one out, turn out the lights.

Ooooh!

Anything else in there, Dr Who?

KIDS SHOUT, GLASS SMASHES Oof! That feels good.

Better out than in.

Right, you better help me get this lot bathed and ready for bed.

You start your new job in an hour.

-What do you mean, job?

-Unbelievable.

Everything that's happened in this dream so far

and THAT'S the bit that shocked you the most.

You're the breadwinner now.

-So what's this job?

-Guess.

The way this dream is going, either rock cracker in Siberia

or a professional backside wiper to John McCririck.

But knowing my luck, probably both.

Why did I say it? Why did I say it?

I hope you're enjoying your sit down.

It's all right for you, I've been working all day.

What did you say?

I said it's all right for me, I've had the slightly easier life

of going out to work whilst you stay at home all day with the children

doing a job which is much harder,

but goes totally unappreciated by society.

Come here. Give me that.

Sit yourself down.

You can do that later.

What are you doing?

Well, you've been working hard all day,

the least I can do is have sex with you.

Lee, I told you last night, I haven't got time for that anymore.

Oh, I've had enough of this!

The kids were hard enough, but now I've got to add on to the list

celibacy and the job from hell. You know my right arm's gone numb?

A bit of manual labour never killed anyone.

It was the celibacy caused the numb arm.

Well, maybe I should take the kids and live with my mum.

Leave you to a single life with no responsibilities.

You can jack your job in and turn the flat into a lap-dancing club

that shows greyhound racing. Would that make you happy?

Go on, trap five! Go on, yes!

Ohhh. I'll tell you what, you can say what you want

about being hit by a Ford Escort at 50mph, but it's got its upsides.

I can't lie, he's not progressed much in the last few hours.

Almost like he doesn't want to wake up.

Are there any relatives who can speak to him, see if that makes him come round?

Well, I've left his dad a message.

Hopefully, he's on his way.

Maybe I could try. He's unconscious. He might not know the difference.

-LANCASHIRE ACCENT:

-Hello, son. How's thee fetlin'?

It's your old fella here, come from t'up north on t'choo choo train.

Ee by gum, he don't look too clever.

Why not waken thee sen up, son, and I'll make thee thee favourite, sugar butties.

Maybe you should try it with a cap on.

Me and your old mother are worried sick about thee, son.

Aren't we, me duck?

-EXAGGERATED CHINESE ACCENT:

-Ah, yes, me very sad, my wittle boy.

Me cry and cry and me think you are very close to dying.

And this make your mummy a vely, vely sad rady.

If he thinks his mum has turned Chinese, I thought the shock might wake him up.

Who knows, maybe it's me.

In the past, I've always been able to handle a woman.

Sorry, it's just the club rules.

Not you, I'm talking about Lucy.

OK, I admit it, I've always liked her

and I suppose I've always wanted to be with her, but...

-it just wasn't what I was expecting.

-What were you expecting?

I don't know. Me and her lying on the sofa, kissing and cuddling.

She playfully hits me with a cushion and then laughs uncontrollably.

Yeah, I know you might say it's not what relationships are really about,

but they seem to manage it on the DFS adverts.

I suppose I've just got to forget about Lucy and the kids and move on.

Sorry, can you move them back a bit?

The last thing I saw when I hit the windscreen was the airbags going off and it's giving me flashbacks.

Listen, son, it doesn't have to be over between you and Lucy.

Oh, for the love of God!

Dad, what are you doing?

I'm here to give you two bits of very important advice

that may save your life, son.

Well, go on, then.

Do you know what makes a real man?

Not even a hint of irony in his eyes.

I'll tell you. It's somebody who knows about responsibility.

It's someone who understands about caring for his wife and children.

Do you know what the alternative is?

You'll end up like me, old and alone.

And I don't want that for you.

So get your head out of the clouds and wake up, son.

And what's the other bit of advice?

You can look, but don't handle the goods.

Hello.

I'm the sheet monster.

I live in your dirty laundry.

Your mum let me in.

-What does she have to say to you?

-She said just cos it was my dream I couldn't act like I wanted

and assume everyone existed just for my amusement.

And what did you say?

Put the whip down and put some clothes on.

Come back home, Lucy.

What about the kids?

Do you want them back too?

-Course I do.

-All of them?

Eric, Ernie, Pele, Cassius, Charlton,

Stan, Olly, Harpo, Groucho,

Brucie, Keegan, Sid and James?

All of them.

Even little Nobby Stiles?

Of course I do. She's my little princess.

I love you, Lucy.

I love you, too.

My mum's looking after the kids.

It looks like we've got half an hour to spare.

Oh, for God's sake, not again!

You're like Christopher Biggins.

I hardly see you for 20 years, then you're never out of me face.

I'm sorry. It's not my fault this time.

-They sent me to fetch you.

-"LIFE ON MARS" PLAYS

It's time to go home, son.

What's that?

If those bloody kids have ripped off those roof tiles again, I'll kill them.

Off you go, son.

We're all waiting for you.

I can't leave Lucy and the kids.

It's fine. None of this is real.

But if you wake up, you might be able to make it all come true.

All of it?

All of it.

-Even the bit where you got all...

-All of it.

-Great.

The bigger the 'taters, the creamier the mash.

Size isn't important anyway.

We could do a deal on that if you like.

TINKLING

This is like being born again.

Except you're here this time, Dad.

# Is there life on Mars? #

-He's waking up.

-Will he be OK?

Oh, I should think so.

In fact, people who have near-death experiences often become all the better for it.

I wouldn't be surprised if the old Lee has gone

and what you're left with is a wiser, deeper, more insightful version of Lee.

Oh, Lucy. Thank God.

For a horrible minute then I thought you were going to be a great big fat pig of a woman.

When you were in a coma, did you dream?

A bit.

What about?

Just my recurring one about being chased by a giant orang-utan

whilst he's strangling a cat.

I'm going to have to stop watching those Simply Red videos.

Come on, what did you dream about?

I dreamt about you, actually.

-Did you?

-Yeah.

-You were married with kids.

-Who to?

-I don't know who it was.

-Was he good looking?

I would.

In fact, I have.

-What was he like?

-Oh, you know the type, witty and erudite

with a fine line in sarcasm that stays on the right side of endearing,

and a nice light touch when it came to risque banter

that always managed to be cheeky and never blue.

He sounds like an absolute wanker.

-Have you got any plans next Friday?

-Nothing special. Why?

Thought you might like to go to the tennis.

I'd rather go to the dogs.

That's not funny. I've seen you when you've gone to the dogs.

Is it a date or not?

It's a date.

Good.

I'll take that.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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