Fireworks Not Going Out


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Fireworks

Sitcom. When an old lady wanders into Lucy's flat and makes herself at home on the sofa, Lee doesn't know what to do with her.


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# We're not going out Not staying in

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# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

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# But there is no need to scream and shout

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# We're not going out

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# We are not going out. #

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Morning.

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-Hair of the dog?

-Looks lovely. Just had it cut?

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Do you know what I like about you? ..Finished.

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-So what are you doing for Bonfire Night?

-Nothing planned.

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Shame, really. I used to love it when I was a kid. So exciting.

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Writing my name with sparklers, toffee apples...

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I see why you changed it to Lucy.

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-Why don't we do something tonight? We could go on the roof and light some fireworks.

-Just me and you?

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Yeah. Well, and my good friends Jacob Screek, Buck Sfizz

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-and Rose a la Tesco.

-I think I'd like them.

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You would. They're such pissheads they named themselves after wine.

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Can't a lodger treat his landlady? I'll create poetry in the sky. Screaming Exocets, Napalm Showers.

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Poetry? Stick to the limericks.

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-There was an old woman from China, who had an enormous...

-No, thank you!

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OK. Let's do it.

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-Great.

-You know a decent firework display can cost a couple of hundred quid?

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I don't remember using the word "decent". Maybe I should nail you to the wall, set fire to your feet

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and watch you spin round and whistle. That joke would be funny if your name was Catherine.

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-KNOCKING

-He's early. If that's my taxi, I'll just make myself look respectable.

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I'll tell him to turn the engine off.

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Is this the world's slowest burglary?

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Sorry, can I help you?

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-Who are you?

-..I'm Lee.

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Put the television on.

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-Sorry?

-What are you doing here?

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-I live here.

-I don't like porridge, you know.

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Am I having little blackouts between these sentences?

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What time is Brian getting here?

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What's your favourite type of zebra?

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-Pardon?

-Just thought I'd join in with the game. It looks like fun.

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Hello.

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-Sorry, you are...?

-I slept with him last night.

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-She's not firing on all cylinders.

-I don't want the intimate details.

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-I don't even know her name.

-This isn't getting any better.

-She's confused.

-I know how she feels.

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-She keeps wondering why I'm in her flat.

-I know how she feels.

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And she keeps fantasising about having sex with me. Your turn.

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-She just wandered in. She's... You know?

-What?

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The wheel's still spinning, but the hamster's dead.

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Oh, beautifully put(!) Tell me more about the woman from China.

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-Her...

-No!

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-Where do you live, darling?

-I live here.

-No, you don't. I live here...with that.

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-With my boyfriend?!

-Will you please stop saying that?

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-I think you've got the wrong house.

-Oh, no.

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-Have I done it again?

-Oh, that's OK. We all get confused now and again, sweetheart.

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Don't patronise me or I'll punch you in the face!

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-You can take care of this seeing as you let her in.

-I didn't.

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-She confused me with her non sequiturs and smell of biscuits.

-I'm going to be late. Sort it out.

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I'll put the kettle on.

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I can't get this bloody television on!

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You need to press TV3, then Help, then Select, then on this one AV1, Backup, TV Guide,

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then on this one All Channels, then Select again.

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Don't worry, it's not you. That even breaks teenagers. Let's forget the telly and find out about you.

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-Where do you live?

-In a house.

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Great. We've ruled out the old woman who lives in a shoe.

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-I can't remember the address.

-Well, how did you get here this morning?

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-I'm not sure.

-Did you get the bus?

-Yes!

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-Are you sure?

-Yes.

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-How many? ..Was it two buses?

-Yes.

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-Was one of them green?

-Yes.

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-And the other one pink?

-Yes.

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-Did you do the last bit in a hot-air balloon?

-Yes.

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-When's my son Brian getting here?

-Who knows? 8, 9, Friday, Christmas Eve? Brian - just like his mum!

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-Can I have a look in your handbag?

-Why?

-You might have some ID.

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You mean you want my house key so you can rob me blind, you dodgy little bastard.

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-How can I rob you if I don't know where you live?

-When's Brian coming?

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-I'm starting to dislike Brian. Do you know where he lives?

-Who?

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Are you doing this deliberately? I've got loads to do, like trying to get free fireworks, so can I look?

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I haven't got fireworks in my handbag.

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I'm not mental!

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I've got this.

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Right, that's it. Get out.

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Well, someone had to pick him up!

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-Sorry, I can't handle this. You'll have to go.

-Is Brian outside?

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-Yeah. He's in a cab.

-Are you sure?

-Absolutely.

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Yep, there he is. She's just coming down now, Brian!

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-Has he brought me some sherry?

-Have you brought the sherry? Yes.

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-And the flapjacks?

-And the flapjacks, Brian? Yes. And the air rifle and the live squirrels.

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Thanks again for last night. I don't know what was best - the sex or the free Werther's Original.

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-Where's she gone?

-I threw her out.

-You did what?

-I threw her out.

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-You threw her out?

-Yes.

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-You threw her out?

-Is what she's got catching? Yes.

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-But she doesn't know where her home is.

-Maybe if she hadn't killed that pigeon, he could have helped.

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Throwing out an old lady when she clearly needs help. What's the matter with you? Get her back, now.

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-Why can't you go?

-I'm wearing a towel.

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I'll keep hold of it.

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And I am wearing my pyjamas, Lucy.

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OK, fair enough.

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-She'll be all right, won't she?

-Of course she will.

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-All right. You did your best.

-Exactly.

-Grab the newspaper and I'll make you a nice cup of tea.

-Thanks.

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-DOOR LOCKS

-I can't believe I fell for that. Again.

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Hello? Old woman?

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Hello?

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Old woman?

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Hello...young woman.

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I'm looking for an old woman with a dead pigeon.

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I mean, she's got the dead pigeon. I'm not using a dead pigeon to look for an old woman.

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A big net would be better.

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Do you need all of those fireworks?

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Old woman!

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Hello.

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Er, hello, old woman?

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-Who are you?

-Do you want to come back to my flat?

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-What flat?

-The flat you were at a few minutes ago.

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I wasn't at any flat.

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-Yes, you were. Come back with me.

-No!

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I've got flapjacks.

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Leave me alone!

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-Do you know this man?

-I've never met him before in all of my life!

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-She's not well.

-Well, at least she managed to get dressed properly.

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Actually, I think I do know him.

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See.

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We slept together last night.

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Are we going back to have more sex?

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Yes, dear. We're going back to have more sex.

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-Two cups of Horlicks and she's anyone's.

-Thanks, dear.

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-You're a good grandson.

-Oh, God!

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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Hello. Remember me? I'm the one that used to have a bit of dignity.

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No, it's not ringing any bells.

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Phone the police. Now.

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Right, you just...sit there.

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And if you remember anything at all, let me know.

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-I remember the war.

-Well, keep spooling forward from there and at 2011, I'll meet you there.

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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Sorry, madam. The madhouse is full today. You and your donkey will have to sleep in the stables.

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Oh, I get it. It's a Nativity joke because it's Guy Fawkes Night.

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Hello.

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It's an old woman.

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Thank God you're on the case, Holmes. We were lost.

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Beer goggles on again last night?

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-I didn't meet her last night.

-I wasn't talking to you.

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She just appeared at the flat this morning. She's...you know.

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-What?

-A nugget short of a Happy Meal.

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I thought they'd done that to me once.

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But it was my mistake. I'd actually ordered a fishburger.

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Make us a cup of tea, then.

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Look, I've got loads to do, so get to the point and sod off. No offence.

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None taken. Want to join us at a firework display, you degenerate lowlife cretin? No offence.

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-We've already made plans.

-We? We?

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-I assume "we" is you and my sister.

-I need the toilet. All this wee talk.

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-It's through there. Follow your nose.

-I never understood that.

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-It means go straight.

-I know, but it could also mean turn right.

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If you turn right, you're still following your nose. Look.

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That's left.

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I'd like to discuss this further, but I have lots to do.

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-Someone usually takes me to the toilet.

-I'll stick the kettle on!

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-We'll take her to the toilet.

-Really?

-Yes, not a problem.

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Then we'll polish your shoes and buy you some prophylactics.

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The word is pyrotechnics.

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They're condoms, Daisy, for sarcastic posh boys obsessed with their sister's welfare.

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Wow. That's very specific. We'll just stick with the strawberry ones.

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Fine! I'll take her. Can you at least phone the police?

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-I don't know the number.

-If only they had an easy three-digit one!

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-I can't phone 999. It's not an emergency.

-You're not the one taking Thora Hird's mum to the bog! Phone!

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Is it the policeman who will get the reward, do you think?

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-What reward?

-This happens a lot, I'm afraid.

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I get a little lost

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and the person that takes me home gets a reward from my son.

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He's a very rich man.

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Good morning, Officer. I'd like to report an incident.

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Sorry? You want me to help you claim a reward so you can buy expensive fireworks that I can't watch

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-so you can worm your way into my sister's bed?

-Don't be ridiculous.

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I don't want expensive ones. I just wanna banger.

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-No chance.

-OK.

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You and Daisy are invited, too.

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You can't win me over with a few sparklers. I'm not a child.

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-There will be rockets, too.

-Can I light them?

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I made it with wholemeal bread. Hope that's OK.

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I don't know why they call it wholemeal.

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Cos I don't think that's a whole meal, is it? Especially if you didn't eat it all.

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Is there something wrong with you?

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Hello. Sorry, I didn't introduce myself. I'm Tim. I'm Lee's best friend.

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-Him?

-Yes. Unbelievable, isn't it? It was him or Idi Amin.

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If only I'd called "Heads". So what's your name?

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-Betty.

-Well, Betty, I think we need to find out exactly where you live.

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-Now I want you to close your eyes and relax.

-Why do I need to close my eyes?

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To help you keep a straight face. Daisy does it.

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-Actually, I do sometimes giggle when we're doing it, don't I?

-Daisy!

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Sorry. It's just that sometimes when you're on top of me, I just want to shout, "Pile on!"

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-If you close your eyes and relax, it might help you remember.

-OK.

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Now, Betty, think about your home.

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-What can you see?

-A man.

-Good.

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Actually, two men.

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-Great. Now who are these men, Betty?

-I don't know.

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What do they look like?

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One of them has got a green jumper on.

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And blue trousers. And a stripy scarf.

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I don't trust him. He's got blond hair.

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And an evil face like a Nazi.

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The other one... has got his pyjamas on

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and no shoes.

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I don't like him, either. I think he might be one of them sexual deviants.

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And they've got a pet monkey.

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Oh, I love monkeys.

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-I think it's time for Plan B. I'll have to take her out.

-We can't shoot her!

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-We'll walk round and see if anyone knows her.

-I'll get dressed. You carry on the interrogation.

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Five more minutes of good cop, monkey cop.

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-You can hit her across the face with your leather glove, Goebbels.

-You'd like that...pervert!

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# When I get older, losing my hair

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# Many years from now

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# Will you still be sending me a valentine

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# Birthday greetings, bottle of wine

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# If I've been out 'til quarter to three

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# Would you lock the door

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# Will you still need me Will you still feed me

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# When I'm sixty-four

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# You'll be older, too

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# And if you say the word

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# I could stay with you

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# I could be handy mending a fuse When your lights have gone

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# You can knit a sweater by the fireside

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# Sunday mornings, go for a ride

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# Doing the garden, digging the weeds

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# Who could ask for more

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# Will you still need me Will you still feed me

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# When I'm sixty-four... #

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-We're never going to find out where she lives.

-No reward, no fireworks.

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So now what do we do?

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Come on. Let's get you to the police station, Betty.

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Hello, Betty! Are you lost again?

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-You know her?

-Oh, yes. I always see Betty out and about.

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She's a little forgetful. She lives in the big house, corner of Victoria Road and Spencer Avenue.

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You beauty!

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Wow. This bloke must be minted.

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-There's going to be some serious firework action on that roof tonight.

-Oh, I love fireworks.

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Can I come as well?

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It's a very specific guest list.

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You have to be under 35, work in recruitment and be my sister.

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-Is that me?

-No. Come on.

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-Well, well, well, look who it is. We've been looking for you.

-We've taken good care of her.

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He tried to sleep with me!

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-I didn't. Honest.

-Don't worry. I understand.

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She gets a little confused. Are you going to say thank you?

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Good luck with the fireworks.

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I hope you get your end away.

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-Thanks a lot, guys. It's really appreciated.

-It's OK.

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-Very kind of you.

-..Yeah.

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We found the whole experience quite...rewarding.

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Yeah, Betty's quite a character.

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It was very good of you.

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Thanks. Again.

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That's OK.

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It's the kind of good deed you can't put a price on.

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Or maybe you can. Who knows?

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Bye.

0:21:000:21:02

Oi, Brian?

0:21:020:21:04

My name's not Brian.

0:21:040:21:07

-So who are you?

-I'm Andy. I work here. This is a care home.

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Betty's lived here for a few years.

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-But she said...

-There was a rich son and a big reward?

0:21:140:21:18

Yes.

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She always tells people that. There's no reward. Or rich son.

0:21:220:21:26

He lives abroad. Hardly ever sees her. She hasn't got anyone.

0:21:260:21:31

-That's awful.

-Yeah.

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So she hasn't got any...money?

0:21:340:21:37

He means family.

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No family. I think that's why she keeps wandering off. She's lonely.

0:21:390:21:44

Anyway, thanks again, guys. Appreciated.

0:21:440:21:48

Wait...

0:21:480:21:50

Don't suppose you've got any old fireworks you're not using?

0:21:510:21:55

Do you ever think about getting old? Being about 80, on your own in a care home,

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lonely, waiting for death?

0:22:100:22:12

Only when I'm out with you.

0:22:120:22:15

-Well?

-I think of old age a bit like going to Wales.

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I'll cross that bridge only when I have to.

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One day you will have to cross it.

0:22:250:22:28

-Like The Who said, "I hope I die before I get old."

-And if you don't?

0:22:280:22:33

I'll become deaf, dumb and blind and learn to play pinball.

0:22:330:22:38

I'll be fine. I'll get loads of visitors.

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-Like who?

-My mum and dad.

-When you're 80?!

0:22:410:22:46

That would make them... Let me think. You're from the north. 94?

0:22:470:22:52

Poor old dear said she loves fireworks.

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I bet it would mean the world to her to be invited to a firework display tonight.

0:22:580:23:03

Oh, this night's getting better by the minute! "Sorry, it was two sparklers and a petrol bomb, Lucy,

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"but don't worry. Here's forgetful Betty and her dead animals!

0:23:090:23:13

"And later we've got the evil Nazi and his amazing performing monkey!"

0:23:130:23:18

She's an unhappy and confused woman with a severe mental condition!

0:23:180:23:22

Yeah, and I shouldn't call her a monkey. She's your girlfriend.

0:23:220:23:27

Betty's a very lonely woman who needs a little compassion. Your attitude hasn't helped.

0:23:270:23:33

Just do the right thing for once.

0:23:330:23:36

Well?

0:23:380:23:39

# Good night, sweetheart

0:23:450:23:49

# 'Til we meet tomorrow

0:23:500:23:53

# Good night, sweetheart

0:23:550:23:59

# Sleep will banish sorrow... #

0:23:590:24:03

-Hello, Betty.

-AAAAH!

0:24:030:24:06

Who the bloody hell are you?!

0:24:060:24:09

Get out! Get out, you bloody pervert!

0:24:090:24:12

Pervert! Get out!

0:24:120:24:14

-Get out!

-Somebody help!

0:24:140:24:17

Right. Stand back and hold on to your hats. This little baby is about to blow.

0:24:280:24:33

Whoo!

0:24:490:24:50

A-All right!

0:24:500:24:53

More...

0:24:550:24:57

-That's it.

-Not the first time you've had to say that to a woman.

0:24:580:25:03

-That was a waste of £5.60.

-Not the first time you've had to say that to a woman.

0:25:030:25:09

-Last time I buy fire-damaged stock.

-You bought fireworks that didn't even go off in a fire?

0:25:100:25:17

-Anyone want to share a last sparkler?

-Oh, that reminds me.

0:25:170:25:21

It isn't strawberry we like. It's the ones that glow in the dark.

0:25:210:25:26

Tim told me what you did.

0:25:370:25:40

I cleaned it up.

0:25:400:25:43

I mean about Betty.

0:25:430:25:45

-Why, what have you...?

-Nothing.

0:25:460:25:49

-Sorry it's been such a let down.

-Betty doesn't seem to think so.

0:25:510:25:56

She's having the time of her life.

0:26:000:26:02

Well done.

0:26:040:26:05

You did well.

0:26:050:26:08

FIREWORK EXPLODES

0:26:100:26:13

# Yeah, you and me we can ride on a star

0:26:130:26:17

# If you stay by my side

0:26:170:26:19

# We can rule the world

0:26:190:26:23

# All the stars are coming out tonight

0:26:230:26:27

# They're lighting up the sky tonight

0:26:270:26:30

# For you, for you

0:26:300:26:35

# All the stars are coming out tonight

0:26:350:26:39

# They're lighting up the sky tonight

0:26:390:26:42

# For you, for you

0:26:420:26:46

# All the stars are coming out tonight

0:26:460:26:50

# They're lighting up the sky tonight

0:26:500:26:53

# For you

0:26:530:26:55

# For you

0:26:560:26:58

# All the stars are coming out tonight

0:26:580:27:02

# They're lighting up the sky tonight

0:27:020:27:05

# For you

0:27:050:27:07

# For you-ou. #

0:27:080:27:11

FIREWORKS EXPLODE

0:27:120:27:15

# We're not going out Not staying in

0:27:190:27:23

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

0:27:230:27:27

# But there is no need to scream and shout

0:27:270:27:30

# We're not going out

0:27:300:27:32

# We are not going out. #

0:27:320:27:36