Fireworks Not Going Out

# We're not going out Not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #

Morning.

-Hair of the dog?

-Looks lovely. Just had it cut?

Do you know what I like about you? ..Finished.

-So what are you doing for Bonfire Night?

-Nothing planned.

Shame, really. I used to love it when I was a kid. So exciting.

Writing my name with sparklers, toffee apples...

I see why you changed it to Lucy.

-Why don't we do something tonight? We could go on the roof and light some fireworks.

-Just me and you?

Yeah. Well, and my good friends Jacob Screek, Buck Sfizz

-and Rose a la Tesco.

-I think I'd like them.

You would. They're such pissheads they named themselves after wine.

Can't a lodger treat his landlady? I'll create poetry in the sky. Screaming Exocets, Napalm Showers.

Poetry? Stick to the limericks.

-There was an old woman from China, who had an enormous...

-No, thank you!

OK. Let's do it.

-Great.

-You know a decent firework display can cost a couple of hundred quid?

I don't remember using the word "decent". Maybe I should nail you to the wall, set fire to your feet

and watch you spin round and whistle. That joke would be funny if your name was Catherine.

-KNOCKING

-He's early. If that's my taxi, I'll just make myself look respectable.

I'll tell him to turn the engine off.

Is this the world's slowest burglary?

Sorry, can I help you?

-Who are you?

-..I'm Lee.

Put the television on.

-Sorry?

-What are you doing here?

-I live here.

-I don't like porridge, you know.

Am I having little blackouts between these sentences?

What time is Brian getting here?

What's your favourite type of zebra?

-Pardon?

-Just thought I'd join in with the game. It looks like fun.

Hello.

-Sorry, you are...?

-I slept with him last night.

-She's not firing on all cylinders.

-I don't want the intimate details.

-I don't even know her name.

-This isn't getting any better.

-She's confused.

-I know how she feels.

-She keeps wondering why I'm in her flat.

-I know how she feels.

And she keeps fantasising about having sex with me. Your turn.

-She just wandered in. She's... You know?

-What?

The wheel's still spinning, but the hamster's dead.

Oh, beautifully put(!) Tell me more about the woman from China.

-Her...

-No!

-Where do you live, darling?

-I live here.

-No, you don't. I live here...with that.

-With my boyfriend?!

-Will you please stop saying that?

-I think you've got the wrong house.

-Oh, no.

-Have I done it again?

-Oh, that's OK. We all get confused now and again, sweetheart.

Don't patronise me or I'll punch you in the face!

-You can take care of this seeing as you let her in.

-I didn't.

-She confused me with her non sequiturs and smell of biscuits.

-I'm going to be late. Sort it out.

I'll put the kettle on.

I can't get this bloody television on!

You need to press TV3, then Help, then Select, then on this one AV1, Backup, TV Guide,

then on this one All Channels, then Select again.

Don't worry, it's not you. That even breaks teenagers. Let's forget the telly and find out about you.

-Where do you live?

-In a house.

Great. We've ruled out the old woman who lives in a shoe.

-I can't remember the address.

-Well, how did you get here this morning?

-I'm not sure.

-Did you get the bus?

-Yes!

-Are you sure?

-Yes.

-How many? ..Was it two buses?

-Yes.

-Was one of them green?

-Yes.

-And the other one pink?

-Yes.

-Did you do the last bit in a hot-air balloon?

-Yes.

-When's my son Brian getting here?

-Who knows? 8, 9, Friday, Christmas Eve? Brian - just like his mum!

-Can I have a look in your handbag?

-Why?

-You might have some ID.

You mean you want my house key so you can rob me blind, you dodgy little bastard.

-How can I rob you if I don't know where you live?

-When's Brian coming?

-I'm starting to dislike Brian. Do you know where he lives?

-Who?

Are you doing this deliberately? I've got loads to do, like trying to get free fireworks, so can I look?

I haven't got fireworks in my handbag.

I'm not mental!

I've got this.

Right, that's it. Get out.

Well, someone had to pick him up!

-Sorry, I can't handle this. You'll have to go.

-Is Brian outside?

-Yeah. He's in a cab.

-Are you sure?

-Absolutely.

Yep, there he is. She's just coming down now, Brian!

-Has he brought me some sherry?

-Have you brought the sherry? Yes.

-And the flapjacks?

-And the flapjacks, Brian? Yes. And the air rifle and the live squirrels.

Thanks again for last night. I don't know what was best - the sex or the free Werther's Original.

-Where's she gone?

-I threw her out.

-You did what?

-I threw her out.

-You threw her out?

-Yes.

-You threw her out?

-Is what she's got catching? Yes.

-But she doesn't know where her home is.

-Maybe if she hadn't killed that pigeon, he could have helped.

Throwing out an old lady when she clearly needs help. What's the matter with you? Get her back, now.

-Why can't you go?

-I'm wearing a towel.

I'll keep hold of it.

And I am wearing my pyjamas, Lucy.

OK, fair enough.

-She'll be all right, won't she?

-Of course she will.

-All right. You did your best.

-Exactly.

-Grab the newspaper and I'll make you a nice cup of tea.

-Thanks.

-DOOR LOCKS

-I can't believe I fell for that. Again.

Hello? Old woman?

Hello?

Old woman?

Hello...young woman.

I'm looking for an old woman with a dead pigeon.

I mean, she's got the dead pigeon. I'm not using a dead pigeon to look for an old woman.

A big net would be better.

Do you need all of those fireworks?

Old woman!

Hello.

Er, hello, old woman?

-Who are you?

-Do you want to come back to my flat?

-What flat?

-The flat you were at a few minutes ago.

I wasn't at any flat.

-Yes, you were. Come back with me.

-No!

I've got flapjacks.

Leave me alone!

-Do you know this man?

-I've never met him before in all of my life!

-She's not well.

-Well, at least she managed to get dressed properly.

Actually, I think I do know him.

See.

We slept together last night.

Are we going back to have more sex?

Yes, dear. We're going back to have more sex.

-Two cups of Horlicks and she's anyone's.

-Thanks, dear.

-You're a good grandson.

-Oh, God!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hello. Remember me? I'm the one that used to have a bit of dignity.

No, it's not ringing any bells.

Phone the police. Now.

Right, you just...sit there.

And if you remember anything at all, let me know.

-I remember the war.

-Well, keep spooling forward from there and at 2011, I'll meet you there.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Sorry, madam. The madhouse is full today. You and your donkey will have to sleep in the stables.

Oh, I get it. It's a Nativity joke because it's Guy Fawkes Night.

Hello.

It's an old woman.

Thank God you're on the case, Holmes. We were lost.

Beer goggles on again last night?

-I didn't meet her last night.

-I wasn't talking to you.

She just appeared at the flat this morning. She's...you know.

-What?

-A nugget short of a Happy Meal.

I thought they'd done that to me once.

But it was my mistake. I'd actually ordered a fishburger.

Make us a cup of tea, then.

Look, I've got loads to do, so get to the point and sod off. No offence.

None taken. Want to join us at a firework display, you degenerate lowlife cretin? No offence.

-We've already made plans.

-We? We?

-I assume "we" is you and my sister.

-I need the toilet. All this wee talk.

-It's through there. Follow your nose.

-I never understood that.

-It means go straight.

-I know, but it could also mean turn right.

If you turn right, you're still following your nose. Look.

That's left.

I'd like to discuss this further, but I have lots to do.

-Someone usually takes me to the toilet.

-I'll stick the kettle on!

-We'll take her to the toilet.

-Really?

-Yes, not a problem.

Then we'll polish your shoes and buy you some prophylactics.

The word is pyrotechnics.

They're condoms, Daisy, for sarcastic posh boys obsessed with their sister's welfare.

Wow. That's very specific. We'll just stick with the strawberry ones.

Fine! I'll take her. Can you at least phone the police?

-I don't know the number.

-If only they had an easy three-digit one!

-I can't phone 999. It's not an emergency.

-You're not the one taking Thora Hird's mum to the bog! Phone!

Is it the policeman who will get the reward, do you think?

-What reward?

-This happens a lot, I'm afraid.

I get a little lost

and the person that takes me home gets a reward from my son.

He's a very rich man.

Good morning, Officer. I'd like to report an incident.

Sorry? You want me to help you claim a reward so you can buy expensive fireworks that I can't watch

-so you can worm your way into my sister's bed?

-Don't be ridiculous.

I don't want expensive ones. I just wanna banger.

-No chance.

-OK.

You and Daisy are invited, too.

You can't win me over with a few sparklers. I'm not a child.

-There will be rockets, too.

-Can I light them?

I made it with wholemeal bread. Hope that's OK.

I don't know why they call it wholemeal.

Cos I don't think that's a whole meal, is it? Especially if you didn't eat it all.

Is there something wrong with you?

Hello. Sorry, I didn't introduce myself. I'm Tim. I'm Lee's best friend.

-Him?

-Yes. Unbelievable, isn't it? It was him or Idi Amin.

If only I'd called "Heads". So what's your name?

-Betty.

-Well, Betty, I think we need to find out exactly where you live.

-Now I want you to close your eyes and relax.

-Why do I need to close my eyes?

To help you keep a straight face. Daisy does it.

-Actually, I do sometimes giggle when we're doing it, don't I?

-Daisy!

Sorry. It's just that sometimes when you're on top of me, I just want to shout, "Pile on!"

-If you close your eyes and relax, it might help you remember.

-OK.

Now, Betty, think about your home.

-What can you see?

-A man.

-Good.

Actually, two men.

-Great. Now who are these men, Betty?

-I don't know.

What do they look like?

One of them has got a green jumper on.

And blue trousers. And a stripy scarf.

I don't trust him. He's got blond hair.

And an evil face like a Nazi.

The other one... has got his pyjamas on

and no shoes.

I don't like him, either. I think he might be one of them sexual deviants.

And they've got a pet monkey.

Oh, I love monkeys.

-I think it's time for Plan B. I'll have to take her out.

-We can't shoot her!

-We'll walk round and see if anyone knows her.

-I'll get dressed. You carry on the interrogation.

Five more minutes of good cop, monkey cop.

-You can hit her across the face with your leather glove, Goebbels.

-You'd like that...pervert!

# When I get older, losing my hair

# Many years from now

# Will you still be sending me a valentine

# Birthday greetings, bottle of wine

# If I've been out 'til quarter to three

# Would you lock the door

# Will you still need me Will you still feed me

# When I'm sixty-four

# You'll be older, too

# And if you say the word

# I could stay with you

# I could be handy mending a fuse When your lights have gone

# You can knit a sweater by the fireside

# Sunday mornings, go for a ride

# Doing the garden, digging the weeds

# Who could ask for more

# Will you still need me Will you still feed me

# When I'm sixty-four... #

-We're never going to find out where she lives.

-No reward, no fireworks.

So now what do we do?

Come on. Let's get you to the police station, Betty.

Hello, Betty! Are you lost again?

-You know her?

-Oh, yes. I always see Betty out and about.

She's a little forgetful. She lives in the big house, corner of Victoria Road and Spencer Avenue.

You beauty!

Wow. This bloke must be minted.

-There's going to be some serious firework action on that roof tonight.

-Oh, I love fireworks.

Can I come as well?

It's a very specific guest list.

You have to be under 35, work in recruitment and be my sister.

-Is that me?

-No. Come on.

-Well, well, well, look who it is. We've been looking for you.

-We've taken good care of her.

He tried to sleep with me!

-I didn't. Honest.

-Don't worry. I understand.

She gets a little confused. Are you going to say thank you?

Good luck with the fireworks.

I hope you get your end away.

-Thanks a lot, guys. It's really appreciated.

-It's OK.

-Very kind of you.

-..Yeah.

We found the whole experience quite...rewarding.

Yeah, Betty's quite a character.

It was very good of you.

Thanks. Again.

That's OK.

It's the kind of good deed you can't put a price on.

Or maybe you can. Who knows?

Bye.

Oi, Brian?

My name's not Brian.

-So who are you?

-I'm Andy. I work here. This is a care home.

Betty's lived here for a few years.

-But she said...

-There was a rich son and a big reward?

Yes.

She always tells people that. There's no reward. Or rich son.

He lives abroad. Hardly ever sees her. She hasn't got anyone.

-That's awful.

-Yeah.

So she hasn't got any...money?

He means family.

No family. I think that's why she keeps wandering off. She's lonely.

Anyway, thanks again, guys. Appreciated.

Wait...

Don't suppose you've got any old fireworks you're not using?

Do you ever think about getting old? Being about 80, on your own in a care home,

lonely, waiting for death?

Only when I'm out with you.

-Well?

-I think of old age a bit like going to Wales.

I'll cross that bridge only when I have to.

One day you will have to cross it.

-Like The Who said, "I hope I die before I get old."

-And if you don't?

I'll become deaf, dumb and blind and learn to play pinball.

I'll be fine. I'll get loads of visitors.

-Like who?

-My mum and dad.

-When you're 80?!

That would make them... Let me think. You're from the north. 94?

Poor old dear said she loves fireworks.

I bet it would mean the world to her to be invited to a firework display tonight.

Oh, this night's getting better by the minute! "Sorry, it was two sparklers and a petrol bomb, Lucy,

"but don't worry. Here's forgetful Betty and her dead animals!

"And later we've got the evil Nazi and his amazing performing monkey!"

She's an unhappy and confused woman with a severe mental condition!

Yeah, and I shouldn't call her a monkey. She's your girlfriend.

Betty's a very lonely woman who needs a little compassion. Your attitude hasn't helped.

Just do the right thing for once.

Well?

# Good night, sweetheart

# 'Til we meet tomorrow

# Good night, sweetheart

# Sleep will banish sorrow... #

-Hello, Betty.

-AAAAH!

Who the bloody hell are you?!

Get out! Get out, you bloody pervert!

Pervert! Get out!

-Get out!

-Somebody help!

Right. Stand back and hold on to your hats. This little baby is about to blow.

Whoo!

A-All right!

More...

-That's it.

-Not the first time you've had to say that to a woman.

-That was a waste of £5.60.

-Not the first time you've had to say that to a woman.

-Last time I buy fire-damaged stock.

-You bought fireworks that didn't even go off in a fire?

-Anyone want to share a last sparkler?

-Oh, that reminds me.

It isn't strawberry we like. It's the ones that glow in the dark.

Tim told me what you did.

I cleaned it up.

I mean about Betty.

-Why, what have you...?

-Nothing.

-Sorry it's been such a let down.

-Betty doesn't seem to think so.

She's having the time of her life.

Well done.

You did well.

FIREWORK EXPLODES

# Yeah, you and me we can ride on a star

# If you stay by my side

# We can rule the world

# All the stars are coming out tonight

# They're lighting up the sky tonight

# For you, for you

# All the stars are coming out tonight

# They're lighting up the sky tonight

# For you, for you

# All the stars are coming out tonight

# They're lighting up the sky tonight

# For you

# For you

# All the stars are coming out tonight

# They're lighting up the sky tonight

# For you

# For you-ou. #

FIREWORKS EXPLODE

# We're not going out Not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #