Dancing Not Going Out

# Yeah, not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #

Oh, don't worry, Lucy.

My mum used to say that tears were like Elton John -

much better once they were out.

-Because he wasn't always a homose...

-We got it!

DOOR OPENS

# I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

# Ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha

# I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

# Ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha

# I'm on my way from what I want... #

It's The Proclaimers.

I thought it'd get a laugh.

Jedward?

What's going on?

-Can we talk about it in the morning?

-What, you mean...

# When I wake up...? #

What's happened?

-It's Tim and Lucy's parents. They're thinking about splitting up.

-Why?

We don't know. They won't discuss it.

That's why I've invited Dad over to try and get to the bottom of it.

-You've done what?! Don't get involved, Lucy, They'll be fine.

-Fine? They're splitting up, Tim!

Don't say that! Why have you got to ruin everything?

-This is like when you were five. "There's no tooth fairy, Tim!"

-Aren't you ten years older?

I was a late developer, all right?

Typical! First sign of trouble and you're like an ostrich, burying your head in the sand.

That's a myth. Ostriches don't bury their heads in the sand.

What do they do? Stand around with gawping faces

while more grown-up birds take responsibility for mending the nest?

Doubt it. They probably just fly off, don't they?

Dad's on his way, and we'd have a better chance of him opening if you and Daisy weren't here.

Do you not think you're overreacting a bit?

What?!

My mum and dad split up when I was a kid.

I survived, moved on, became a well-adjusted, rounded adult.

SHE SOBS

Go! Just get out!

Come on, Daisy. I know when I'm not wanted.

Yeah, days that end in a "Y".

Oh that's today - Friday!

Sure you won't don't want a drink?

No, thanks. Drinking makes me thirsty.

Lucy wasn't very happy with you, was she?

-The problem with Lucy, she let's her heart rule her head.

-I'm like that.

Yeah, well, in your case, it's probably best to leave something else in charge.

You should try making it up to her.

-How?

-Well, the quickest way to a woman's heart is to do a thoughtful, unselfish, considerate act.

What's the next quickest way?

-Anyway, what do you mean, to her heart?

-You know what I mean!

-No, I don't.

-You want to be with Lucy, but you can't, because she's out of your league.

-They said that about Blackpool.

-Who did?

-I don't know.

-Come on, who said it?

-Do you know what I'm talking about when I say Blackpool?

-No...

But you want to know who said it?

It's more important to know who's talking than what they are saying.

-No, it's not.

-I overheard John Malkovich talking about Blackpool once.

-John Malkovich?!

-See?

You didn't say, "Blackpool?!" You said, "John Malkovich?!"

You were more worried about who said it, not what was said.

The point is...

..they said Blackpool Football Club wouldn't make the Premiership, and guess what happened?

They beat Cardiff 3-2 in the play-off final.

-How do you know that?

-I told you, I heard John Malkovich talking about it on Match Of The Day.

Do you mean John Motson?

No, John Motson's the actor.

You know, he was in that film, Being John Malkovich...

It's a pity that there isn't a way for you to help Lucy's parents get back together.

That would be a pretty good way to Lucy's heart.

Psst!

-Psst!

-I think your brain's got a puncture.

I know something you don't know.

You're not going to tell me Jimmy Krankie isn't a real boy again?

Tim's mum told me what the problem was.

She made me swear not to tell another human being, but I can tell you.

She's sick of Geoffrey being so controlling.

Apparently, she wanted to go ballroom dancing recently, and he wouldn't let her.

All this over ballroom dancing?

Exactly. Maybe you should have a little talk with Lucy's dad, make him see sense.

I'm sure Lucy would be very grateful...

You'd soon be like Blackpool then!

Getting lots of top-flight action.

-I mean sex.

-I got it!

So, are you are you going to talk to him,

-convince him to stop being the one who always has to wear the trousers?

-Is the Pope a Catholic?

-He is a Catholic.

-Right.

Lucy might be right - you might feel better if you told us what was going on.

The last time you wanted to talk about adult things was when you asked me the facts of life,

and what happened then?

That's right, you were sick.

I'd had a dodgy pint.

-Dad...

-For the last time, I'm not discussing it.

-What were you told about staying out?

-Argh!

What were you told about not letting your dog on the sofa?

I agree with you, Dad. This is just between you and Mum, but you still need to sort it out.

What have you done with my girlfriend?

I left her in the pub on the fruit machine - told her it would count towards her five-a-day.

Sorry to hear you and Wendy are having problems, Geoffrey.

Women, eh?

Can't live with 'em, can't...bloody get one.

Chalk and cheese, aren't we, men and women?

Women are the cheese - fragrant, luxurious, need to be savoured...

But they're also complex...

and...blue and...veiny.

And men are the chalk -

happy to just...stay at home and not go ballroom dancing.

Who told you about that?

Oh, a little bird. Well, headless chicken.

Ballroom dancing. It's ridiculous, I blame bloody Bruce Forsyth.

The thing is, Geoffrey, it's all about compromise.

My dad's favourite saying was, "When it comes to relationships,

"you can either choose to be right or you can choose to be happy." Actually, that's not true.

His favourite saying was, "Get me 20 Silk Cut, and if they ask for ID, say you've got dwarfism."

But the point is, sometimes in life, you've just got to choose between those two things.

-Still here, Lee?

-Actually, Lee and I having been having a nice chat, as it goes.

-Really?

-Yes, it has been very enlightening.

Talk about not judging a book by its cover.

What, even if the title's I'm From The North, I'm Clueless And I Stink?

He's actually been very insightful.

The cue for the thank-you hug starts here.

I may even throw in a free kiss at no extra charge.

-He's made me put a few things into perspective.

-Cashier number five, please!

Sorry, madam, I'm going to have to weigh those first.

Too much.

He's made me see there's really only one choice.

-You're going to patch things up with Mum?

-No.

-I'm going to pack my bags and move in here for a while. Make a clean break from your mother.

-What?!

You made some very salient points.

But I'm from the North, and I'm clueless...and I stink.

What did he say this time?

He said, in a relationship, you can either choose to be right or choose to be happy.

And I like being right more than I like being happy.

In fact, I'm almost never happy, but I'm always right.

I'll take your room for a while, Lee. You can have the sofa.

I'll go and pack my bags.

Why's your face gone on screensaver?

Morning!

Ohh... What time is it?

-Six o'clock.

-Has the Queen died?

Well, you know what they say about early birds and worms.

Always get out of bed early if you're going out with a bird with worms.

Look, Geoffrey, I don't know exactly what's going on between you and Wendy,

-but you're not going to find the answers in my bedroom.

-No, but I did find some other things.

I'll make us coffee.

You're up early.

I'm assuming your dad woke you up as well.

Am I getting the silent treatment?

You're not very good at whistling, are you?

It's me that's suffering here. I'm having to sleep on the sofa.

I'm having to witness the breakdown of my parents' 40-year-old marriage

whilst I cry myself to sleep at night about the future of my family.

All right, 1-1.

-Anyway, I wouldn't worry about having to sleep on the sofa for much longer.

-What?

Three people, two bedrooms - you do the maths, Lee.

All right, but if you keep me awake with your snoring, you're on the bathroom floor.

-You're throwing me out?

-It gives me no pleasure to say it,

but if they don't get back together, it looks like I'll have to.

Actually, it gave me a bit of pleasure.

Have you or Lucy tried talking to your mum about this?

-Of course, but Mum's worse than Dad, it's like trying to get blood out a stone.

-Let me do it.

-Do what?

-Go round to your mum's and squeeze her so the blood comes out.

Haven't you done enough damage?

Trust me, I can do more. I mean, to help.

-Who knows? The problem may lie with your mum.

-The problem does lie with my mum.

In her bed. He's called Dad!

Then let me lie with her...

Talk to her!

Come on, Tim. I'm going to get thrown out. Give me a chance.

-Think about it, she might open up to me. We're not the same blood.

-You're not the same species.

-OK, you can go.

-Thanks.

Like you say, I suppose she might open up to a non-family member.

Just don't muck this up.

At least I'm showing concern. Were you there for me when me mum split up with her last boyfriend?

She'd only been with him for three weeks.

He was like a dad to me.

He got drunk all the time and tried to sleep with your aunty.

Exactly, just like me dad.

Thanks for the...gift.

Never tasted...Thunderbird before.

17.5%!

I know. And there was a bottle of Chablis for five times the price, that was only 12%.

I will never understand it.

Ooh, cheeky.

It's got a sort of...oaky...cokey...

Ah, that's what it's all about.

Look, Wendy...

I know this isn't really any of my business,

but don't you think you should meet up with Geoffrey and talk about things?

It's not that easy. There's...issues.

Carry on.

What you have to remember is that when I married Geoffrey I was only 20.

He was already 40. That's a big age gap.

And is the age gap still the same?

I mean, is it still a problem?

He certainly doesn't want to go dancing with me.

Is it really worth all this heartache just for a bit of ballroom dancing?

It's not that simple.

You see, I've got this...friend.

Right...

A friend. Don't worry, I understand.

Do you?

Yes. I once had a FRIEND,

and my FRIEND was worried

because he had warts on his...

..but when he had the courage to go to the doctor and talk about it,

my FRIEND's problem was resolved.

I'm not talking about me, I'm talking about my friend Janet.

I know.

Funny enough, that was my friend's name, too.

Anyway, my friend Janet went to the dancing first, and she loved it.

She was getting dancing lessons from an Italian instructor called Bruno.

Let's just say she was enjoying her sessions with the instructor too much.

-You don't just mean he was giving her dance instructions, do you?

-Not per se.

-I know - Bruno.

Anyway, it got me thinking about things.

Do you know, in my entire life, I've never been with another man,

and Geoffrey doesn't seem to want to know these days.

Oh, too much.

To be honest, Geoffrey and I haven't...

danced for a long, long time.

So, what are you going to do?

I like sex, Lee.

I enjoy sex!

So do I, it's very...pleasant.

I'm even happy to do it on my own sometimes.

Well, my flesh needs to be touched and caressed by another friend!

You know if you give yourself a dead arm first...

-So, you're leaving Geoffrey?

-I don't know.

What I do know is that Janet's marriage seemed to be helped by her affair.

She was getting satisfaction elsewhere. It made her more content at home.

Maybe I'd be the same if I, you know, could...dance...

..even if it was just once...

with another man.

Right, I'd better get going.

Oh, so early?

Yes, I've got to go and see my friend Janet.

The warts have spread to his breasts.

Well, did you see her?

-Who?

-Princess Michael of Kent - who do you think(?)

Funny name, isn't it, Princess Michael?

Never quite sure if it's a man or a woman.

You know, like, Queen...Dave II.

-Did you see my mum, or not?

-Yeah.

Did she talk about Dad?

Er, yes, I think she did mention him.

What did she say about me?

-Well, she sort of said...

-Oh, for Christ's sake man, just give it to me.

Yeah, that pretty much summarises it.

Oh, just say it, Lee!

Do you not think we should talk in private, Lucy?

If you don't start talking, I might have to bring out what I found in your bedroom.

The women in those magazines looked very odd with Lorraine Kelly's face stuck over theirs.

Start talking, for God's sake, man.

OK, if you want to know, she said she might be able to find a way in which she can be content again.

How?

Right, this isn't easy...

but she said she wants to...

..dance with another man.

She wants... She wants to dance?!

She wants to dance.

With another man?

With another man.

Honestly?

Honestly.

Sorry, are you having an English lesson?

Over my dead body. You start dancing with another man,

-then he's holding her too tightly and getting ideas!

-Exactly.

When I say dance, I mean...

..dance.

I'm sure you did. I'm sure that's all she means, too.

But how do you know it won't lead to something more?

-She does want more.

-Oh, I get it.

You mean like a samba?

-Something where they really get hold of each other.

-What?!

-Yes, but we all know where that could lead, don't we?

-Do you know, I'm not sure you do.

Are you both mad?

Can't you see what Lee's saying?

It is more than just dancing.

Welcome to the Cotton-On Nightclub.

This is about Mum's freedom.

All she wants to do is have an innocent dance with another man, and you two are making it all sordid.

Sorry, love, you can't come in, no jeans.

Can't you see that letting her do this would symbolise a loosening of control, which is the problem?

-Not a chance.

-For God's sake, Dad, what's the matter? It's one bloody dance!

I'll dance with you in a minute, young lady.

Please, let's not make this any more complicated.

Where's everyone gone?

-Your dad and Tim went for a walk, they wanted to clear their heads.

-What about Daisy?

She went too. Can't help thinking her head's clear enough as it is.

-Everything's going to work out for the best.

-Do you know any other cliches?

Just Gael. Gael Clichy, plays left-back for Arsenal.

I must be depressed. I'm usually on the floor when you do your jokes about the Arsenal back four.

Want to hear the one about David Seaman being transferred to Cockermouth?

-Thanks.

-What for?

-For making the effort with my mum.

-It's OK.

-At least she got it off her chest.

Funnily enough, that's the punch-line to the David Seaman joke.

I just wish Dad and Tim would see that one dance isn't going to kill anybody.

Lucy, trust me, you can't allow your mum to dance with another man.

-Yes, we can.

->

Tim and I have been having a chat. After long deliberation, we think you're right, Lucy.

-We need to encourage your mum to have this dance if it's so important to her.

-That's great!

-Hang on.

Dad's right. If there's even a small chance of saving their marriage, we have to do it.

It's important Mum gets everything she's looking for, even if I have to give it to her myself.

No, that's no good, Tim. I have to approach this with a new attitude of respect and freedom.

It can't be you, it has to be a man.

I mean, another man to dance with, not you.

-But it still needs to be someone that we know and trust.

-Yes, but the question is, who?

Please tell me there's someone stood behind me.

I can't dance with your mother.

Oh, don't be modest. I've seen you dancing on your own in your bedroom.

Right, well, that's decided, then.

-Lee can ask Wendy to go dancing.

-Do I get any say in this?

What's your problem? All we want you to do is give my mum a dance. It can be a really quick one.

Please stop!

Lee, this could solve everything. Mum could see that Dad's loosening control

-and you get your room back without being thrown out. Why are you being so selfish?

-Fine!

You want me to dance with your mother, I'll dance with your mother.

In fact, I'll foxtrot her brains out.

Why do I have to wear your suit? I look like an idiot.

Don't be silly, you look like James Bond.

The name's Head, Knobhead.

It's important you look the part.

Oh, I look a part, all right.

The part that's being squeezed to death in these trousers.

Whoever called it ballroom dancing obviously wasn't wearing these kecks.

Please make an effort. I know it's not your thing,

but if she wants to show you something, just do it - all the different moves and positions.

And here...take my car. I want you to drive her home in style.

-Just don't leave a mess on the back seat.

-What?

I know what you're like for chucking empty wrappers.

What kind of wrappers?

Mars Bars?

Right.

Right, we'll leave to you carry on getting ready.

Are you sure about this? It's not too late to call this off.

What do I know about ballroom dancing? What will we say?

Throw in a few key words - that'll keep Wendy happy. Do you know Ginger Rogers?

-To be honest, I didn't even know Wendy was ginger.

-What?

Nothing.

You look nice. How are you feeling?

-Not very nice.

-I know you're nervous.

-Think of it as a date.

-Ooh, let's not.

-Lucy, this is stupid. I can't even dance.

-Oh, it'll be fine.

You know what Mum's like. She loves teaching people new things. It empowers her.

With Dad, she's always having to be submissive, but this will give her a chance to be on top.

I am trapped in a Carry On film nightmare and I can't wake up.

Come on, it's easy, I'll show you.

What are you doing?

I'm going to teach you a thing or two, then you can work your magic on my mum.

Right, first things first - a man leads.

I've got a dog lead - can we improvise?

That's a funny image - you on all fours with my mum rubbing...

-Can we just get on with it, please?

-Ready?

MUSIC PLAYS

See? It's easy. It's like riding a bike.

I fell off a bike when I was a kid and broke both me legs.

I doubt tonight will result in two broken legs.

Mmm, famous last words.

And don't forget, it's what you do after the dance that really counts.

How do you mean?

You've got to dip her.

What?

Catch.

Wow! That's great!

Who knows, when you finish with Mum, I might even let you dance with me.

Sorry.

MUSIC PLAYS

Ooh, how lovely, shampoo!

Well, you're worth it.

I hope you're not trying to get me drunk.

No, I'm not.

To be honest, I'm already slightly merry.

I had a bit more of that Thunderbird before I came out.

It's a naughty little thing, isn't it?

Yes, very naughty.

I'll have to punish it later by using it to unblock the toilet again.

MUSIC STOPS, APPLAUSE

Are you ready to lose your virginity?

Well, I... What?

You'll have to excuse me, I've got two left feet.

That's ones mine, the other belongs to Daniel Day-Lewis.

Ssh!

Just go with the flow.

-It's difficult to get any sort of flow going in these trousers.

-We don't want that, do we?

Shall I tell you a little secret?

Oh, my head's all full of little secrets. I don't think it could handle another.

The trick is not to wear underwear.

It frees you up.

I'm not wearing any knickers.

Oh, for the love of God!

How's your dip?

Not great, but I'm willing to give it a try.

Well, I'm certainly up for it, if you are.

That was fantastic!

I think you're ready to move up to the next level, don't you?

APPLAUSE

-Geoffrey, what are you doing?

-I'm sorry, Wendy.

I thought I could stand by and watch another man dance with you, but I can't. Come on, darling.

I've got some making-up to do.

Geoffrey, that was amazing.

Trust me, it doesn't end there.

Let's get you home, young lady.

I reckon you're in there, son.

You know she's not wearing any knickers?

Well, at least it looks like Mum and Dad are going to be fine now.

-Well done.

-That's all right.

I was much happier taking one for the team than giving one.

What?

Nothing.

-You know, Mum wanted to thank you herself, but she's a bit tied up.

-Ooh, go, Geoffrey.

Thanks, Lee.

-Mum said you were making some pretty fancy moves on that dance floor.

-Did she?

Maybe you could show me a few moves when you're feeling better. I wouldn't mind seeing you in action.

-I've heard you've got a pretty impressive mambo.

-You know what?

I've had enough of all this innuendo. It causes too much confusion and pain.

Why don't we just have sexual intercourse?

-Cheeky.

-Ooh!

# Yeah, not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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