Movie Not Going Out


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Movie

Sitcom. Lee promises to stop treating Lucy's flat as if he owns it - but not before he has hired it out to a film director.


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# Yeah, not going out

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# Not staying in

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# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

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# But that is no need to scream and shout

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# We're not going out

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# We are not going out. #

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Don't come in! Come back in 20 minutes.

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Oh God, please say he's not.

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That'll teach me to come home when Loose Women's on.

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Lee, I don't exactly know what you're doing in there,

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but this is my flat and I'm coming through the door in three seconds.

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Two, one.

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Do you know, I'd rather have caught you masturbating.

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Why don't you go out and come back in again?

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What are you doing?

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The toaster's broken. How else am I supposed to make crumpets?

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There are rules to lodging in my flat.

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They don't say "no barbecues".

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They don't say "no dog fighting" but I don't expect that either.

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That's fine. I can cancel that.

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Hello? I know this might sound a little weird, but how would you like to be a movie star?

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Sorry, are you talking to me or him?

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Neither, actually. I was talking to the apartment.

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You'll have to excuse him, he's a bit lofty.

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I'm Mike. I'm shooting a movie in the apartment downstairs.

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We almost had everything in the can and then this goddamn water pipe burst.

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The place is flooded, we can't use it. I need a place exactly the same for one day for £500.

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Deal.

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What have we just been talking about?

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-Masturba...

-No!

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Sweetheart, at the risk of sounding like Noel Edmonds, deal or no deal?

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Thank God for that, I thought you were going to call her Blobby.

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No deal. No offence, I'm just a bit particular about what goes on in this flat.

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No offence, but you're having a barbecue.

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Which Lee is about to take downstairs and dispose of before I cook him a sausage.

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We haven't got any sa... I get it!

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Crumpet?

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You'll have to excuse my lodger, she gets a bit fussy about these things.

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-So you own this place?

-Absolutely.

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And when it comes to making the decisions, I wear the trousers.

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They're still trousers, count the legs! Anyway, the point is, I'm willing to negotiate.

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-Negotiate?

-I'm thinking a man who's willing to pay £500 is probably willing to pay £1,000.

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And I'm thinking a guy that has indoor barbecues in his pyjamas is willing to accept £100.

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The offer is £500.

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£950?

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£80.

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-£500.

-Deal.

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I'll see you tomorrow morning at 8.00.

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8.00? My land...lodger doesn't leave till much later than that, and she'd only be in the way.

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Why don't we say 9.00am?

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How about 7.30?

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I'll see you at 8.00am.

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Tim, I think you're making a big mistake. Why would you want to pack your job in?

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Because I want to do something more exciting, more dangerous.

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Something that makes you wonder whether you'll be alive at the end of the day

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and when you are, you know you've stared at death and laughed in his face.

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And is accountancy not doing that for you?

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-What are you two talking about?

-I'm looking for a new job.

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-Why, have you been caught stealing Blu-tak from the stationery cupboard?

-That was a one-off.

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Why can't society forget and allow a man to rebuild his life?

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-If you must know, I'm thinking of moving on to something new.

-Paperclips?

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-What's brought this on? I thought you liked your job.

-It's OK, I suppose.

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But a senior accounts co-ordinator with a mid-level brokerage firm

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-is not exactly what I dreamt about when I was a kid.

-Yes, it was.

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OK, yes, it was, but it turned out to be a whole lot less of a thrill than I hoped.

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-What did you want to do when you were a kid, Lee?

-Nothing.

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Well, that's nice, we both got what we wanted.

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Well, I think you should stick with it. It's a well-paid and secure position.

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HE MOUTHS

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SHE MOUTHS

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Right, I'm going to go.

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Where?

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Milk a cow.

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Pick up my car...

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from the dairy.

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-You see, the thing about my job is this.

-I don't give a monkeys.

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I just needed her gone because I need to ask you a favour.

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The thing is, I need you to offer to give Lucy a lift tomorrow morning

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-very early to work because I need her out of the flat.

-Why?

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OK, I'll come straight out with it.

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Honesty's the best policy.

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I'm having the carpet cleaned.

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I spilt some red wine, I've hidden the stain under the sofa

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and I want to get it sorted out before she finds it.

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-OK, fine.

-Great.

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But why am I left with this horrible feeling that you're up to something?

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Hand on heart, Tim, all I'm trying to do is clean up.

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Morning.

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Morning.

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Tim's downstairs.

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You trying to get rid of me?

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No.

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So, Friday night, I'm guessing you'll be back late, drinks and all that?

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-Actually, I was thinking of coming straight home. Thought I might see a film.

-Yeah, you might.

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I just bought that new Sex And The City DVD if you fancy it.

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-Already seen it.

-Any good?

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Bit too much city for my liking.

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So what time roughly?

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-Oh, I don't know. Half-eight.

-Great.

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-I'll see you then.

-Or earlier.

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I might pop back for lunch.

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Oh, don't do that. Why don't you go to that place I took you for lunch?

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-You know, with the nice sandwiches and the scented candles.

-Boots?

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Yeah. Anyway, you won't be able to pop back because you won't have your car cos Tim's taking you.

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Oh yeah.

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Why am I smelling a rat?

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Have you tried Listerine?

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So, have you ever met Al Pacino?

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No.

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I met his brother once.

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-Did you?

-Yeah.

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Cappuccino!

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He wasn't my cup of tea.

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OK, you guys, positions.

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We're almost ready for a take.

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Right, mate, you promise you'll be out of here 8.30 tonight at the latest?

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Well, if you go and leave us to it, I guess we can get wrapped by five.

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-8.30'll be fine.

-All right, just like rehearsals.

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I want the dialogue by the window, then you come down here, hit your mark, right in front of the camera,

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sit down on that coffee table, and that, sweetheart, is when you give him the blow job.

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You happy?

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Ron? Jane?

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What time's Freddie getting here?

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Rolling.

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And...action!

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How the hell are we going to break into this bank without a weapon?

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I just can't get my head around it.

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Don't worry, baby, I've got something else you can get your head round.

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And trust me, this weapon is always cocked and loaded.

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Oh, if it's the weapon I think you mean, I think it's ready to be slipped into its holster!

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This is a porn film!

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What the hell was that?

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Audio descriptive service for the blind.

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The people that come to see my movies aren't blind, buddy.

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Not to begin with, maybe.

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This is a legitimate piece of cinema. It's a...a crime thriller.

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Oh, which one's Miss Marple and which one's Hetty Wainthropp?

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All right, it's an erotic thriller.

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But it's still a credible piece of movie-making.

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It asks profound questions about the human condition

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and its ability to cope with complex emotional issues.

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-What's it called?

-Sluts in Heat 2.

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-Get out of the flat.

-What?

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Get out of the flat.

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You signed a contract.

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If you fail to provide a location, then you are liable for the personal cost of £5,000.

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And if Lucy finds out I've been using her flat to make porn films,

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I'm liable for the personal cost of my nads.

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Her flat?

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You told me it was your flat.

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Go on, get out.

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No.

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-What?

-We're not leaving till we make our movie.

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Well, you can't make your movie with a broken mic, can you?

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I'll scream!

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All right, maybe we should leave.

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-And as soon as I sue your ass, this Lucy's going to find out we were here.

-She might not.

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She will when I slip something through her letterbox.

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Oh, you lot just never switch off, do you?

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Of course, if you just leave us to it, you get your money, we get our movie, everybody's happy.

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-What do you say?

-Looks like I haven't got a choice, doesn't it?

-Right!

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We're doing it again. Positions.

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Missionary, doggy style, piledriver.

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Oh sorry, I thought we were brainstorming.

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Don't we have a slight problem here? He's broken the boom?

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I wouldn't worry about that. I got an idea.

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Action.

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What if the cops come after us?

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Relax, it's London.

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All they have is truncheons, and, trust me, my truncheon can top any guy.

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Oh, yeah? What's so special about your truncheon, honey pie?

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Let's just say you won't be in any doubt when you've been banged by this little baby.

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Oh, well, maybe you should prove to me just how big it is.

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Trust me, when you see this thing, you'll know it's huge.

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-I've been told by some it's unnaturally big.

-Cut!

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What the hell are you doing?!

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I'm doing my best is what I'm doing.

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I feel like a midget working in a car wash.

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A midget working in a car wash?

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That's a good scenario.

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Make a note of that.

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All right, let's change positions and see if that helps.

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In fact, let's just skip to the scene where you just start whipping his ass.

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OK, Rod, put on your dog collar and get on all fours.

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Sorry, was that you or did Orson Welles just turn up?

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You see, Rod, those four years at RADA weren't wasted. You finally got the lead.

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OK, rolling and...

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action.

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Ooh, you naughty, naughty, filthy, dirty dog.

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What is that smell?

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It's not a BAFTA, that's for sure.

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You're all covered in mud. Now I'm going to have to sponge you down.

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Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

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Look at the mess on my carpet!

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That's a novel way of getting rid of wine stains!

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Tim, will you just calm down?

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I'm sorry that I lied to you, but they were just going to have a bit of a cuddle.

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Oh yeah, was he going to roll over and have his tummy tickled?

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I've played Pictionary on that rug.

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And now you're allowing two strangers to film...

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rumpy-pumpy on it?!

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OK, I'll be honest, there's a little bit of adult content, but that's Hollywood.

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All the big stars have to do sex scenes. Mickey Rourke, Glenn Close, Sharon Stone.

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Why should it be any different for...

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Rod Hardpole and...

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Janey Flangelove?

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-Look, it's a legitimate film.

-Oh, is that right?

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Do you really think John Nettles would appear in a dirty movie?

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John Nettles?

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-THE John Nettles?

-Yep.

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John "keeper of law and order on the otherwise dangerous island of Jersey,

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"to say nothing of his crime-fighting abilities in Midsomer Murders" Nettles?

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-That is he.

-Is he coming here?

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No, he's in LA, doing all the action bits.

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These lot are the baddies, a bunch of degenerate, sex-obsessed bank robbers.

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Not for much longer. Wait till Bergerac catches up with you!

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-But Lucy still needs to be told what's going on.

-No, she doesn't.

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You know what Lucy's like. She'll worry, stop us filming and miss out on all that money.

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-So you're giving her the money, are you?

-Of course. I've got some scruples, Tim.

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How much is it?

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£200.

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OK, I'll keep quiet.

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-Thanks, Tim.

-On one condition...

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you get me a walk-on part in the film.

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-What?

-You heard.

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I'm looking for a more exciting career path. Maybe this is fate.

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It only has to be a tiny little part.

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I have no doubt that it would be.

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Tim, I can't get you a part in this film and you are not an actor.

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OK, no problem.

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-I'll just drift off home anyway and don't worry, I won't say a word to Lucy.

-Really?

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See, you believed that bit of acting, didn't you?

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Trust me, we've got no choice.

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If Tim goes running to Lucy, everyone's screwed.

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Or, more to the point, no-one is.

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Lucy will throw us both out of the flat.

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You'll have nowhere to film Sluts In Heat 2, I'll have nowhere to watch Sluts In Heat 1.

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Just give him a tiny little walk-on part and nothing that involves any bad language or nudity.

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-Jesus Christ!

-If you've got the false beard, that would be perfect.

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I guess he could stand in for Rod, right up till the sex scene,

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you know, as the pizza guy.

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Won't the audience spot it's a different person?

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We won't see his face, just his helmet.

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There is no way Tim is going to allow you to... His motorbike helmet! Perfect.

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Rod, give that dopey guy your pizza outfit, then put your gimp suit on.

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For the last time, it doesn't really matter what your motivation is.

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Yeah, I know, but I was thinking, and it's just a suggestion,

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perhaps I'm from an Italian family and I've taken this job

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to please my father. But actually,

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I'm saving the tips to finance my real dream of studying tropical medicine.

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Great. That'll really lift it.

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What's my line again?

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"Who ordered pizza?"

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Sorry to go on. I do have a reputation for being anal.

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I'd keep that to yourself today!

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Positions!

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You forgot this.

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Hang on, there's no pizza inside.

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And why is there's a hole cut into the bottom?

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So that just before we open the box you can slip your penis through.

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Isn't that a little unhygienic?

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Janey, get ready for your scene.

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This is definitely not Bergerac!

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This is a porn film!

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OK, before you barge in there, stop this film and throw Lee out of the window,

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just remember, he's your best friend, and things could always be worse.

0:16:300:16:34

-Hi, darling.

-See?

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I've been looking every where for you. Why are you dressed like that?

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It's my new job. I told you I was looking for a new career path.

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Tim, you're a qualified accountant!

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Yeah, but it's actually always been a secret dream of mine

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to work for the...

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Hot and Meaty Sausage Company.

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But you can't ride a motorbike.

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-I'm doing it on foot.

-So why are you wearing a helmet?

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I know, it's health and safety gone mad.

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And why are you delivering to Lee?

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Well, he ordered the first one, you know, to help get me started.

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This was all his idea, wasn't it?

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I knew I shouldn't have left him to talk to you in the pub.

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I think I need to have a word with Lee.

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KNOCKS AT DOOR

0:17:210:17:22

Right, Lee, what's all this business about you encouraging Tim to resign from his job?

0:17:280:17:33

Well, don't just stand there all innocent, like butter wouldn't melt.

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This pizza's cold. I'll go and get you another one.

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Do you want to give me a hand delivering these pizzas?

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He's not coming back, is he?

0:17:520:17:55

We're going back to Plan A. Rod, you're the pizza delivery guy again.

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How can I be pizza guy when that loser's run off with my costume?

0:17:590:18:03

When do you ever see a guy on a motorbike dressed like this?!

0:18:030:18:07

"Gimp My Ride"?

0:18:070:18:09

Tim won't let us down.

0:18:090:18:12

Trust me. He's going to come walking through that door any minute now.

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And look on the bright side, if he's late, at least you get a pound off.

0:18:180:18:23

Hello.

0:18:230:18:24

Strange question, have you got any pizzas you'd like me to deliver?

0:18:240:18:28

I don't want payment, I just like delivering pizzas.

0:18:300:18:34

12 ham and pineapple, please.

0:18:360:18:38

I've just thought of something. That outfit that Lee was wearing.

0:18:450:18:48

-Outfit?

-In the flat just now, the leather swimming trunks.

0:18:480:18:52

Oh yes, those.

0:18:520:18:55

Lee's, um, learning to swim but he's quite scared of the water,

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-so he's getting used to wearing the trunks around the flat first.

-What about the rubber gimp mask?

0:18:590:19:05

-Yes, well, there's a very simple explanation for that too.

-Which is?

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Lee's a sexual deviant.

0:19:130:19:15

Oh, right.

0:19:150:19:17

-I would've told you before but he's a bit embarrassed about it.

-There's no need to be.

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I didn't learn to swim till I was 22!

0:19:220:19:24

OK, you're right. He's not coming back, is he?

0:19:280:19:31

-You're going to have to do something else and quickly.

-Right. To hell with this.

0:19:310:19:35

Forget the pizza scene. Rod, take Jane into the kitchen and bang her over the sink.

0:19:350:19:39

Great. There's a couple of pans that need scouring, if you could work that into it.

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Oi, come on.

0:19:450:19:46

Yeah, I'm going to need a few minutes to, you know...

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What, you mean little Jimmy Krankie?

0:19:490:19:52

-Yes.

-How long's that going to take?

0:19:520:19:54

-God knows.

-We haven't got time for this, mate.

0:19:540:19:58

Look, Jane's ready. She's a real old pro.

0:19:580:20:01

No offence, love.

0:20:010:20:03

I bet you think my job's real easy, huh?

0:20:030:20:06

I bet you look at her and you think, "piece of cake"?

0:20:060:20:10

I don't think "piece of cake".

0:20:100:20:11

What do you think?

0:20:110:20:13

Baps.

0:20:150:20:16

Well, it's not and that's why I need time.

0:20:190:20:22

We haven't got time, mate!

0:20:220:20:23

So if you don't get in there now, I will personally come over there and fluff you up myself!

0:20:230:20:28

Bring it on.

0:20:280:20:30

Get off me, you lunatic!

0:20:340:20:36

I mean it! Get it out now and start thinking of Felicity Kendal!

0:20:360:20:40

CRASHING

0:20:400:20:42

That's it. No more.

0:20:450:20:49

-I quit.

-What?

0:20:490:20:51

I have had it up to here.

0:20:510:20:54

Oh, impressive!

0:20:540:20:55

Oh, dear. Now what?

0:20:580:21:01

I'll tell you what, we finish making our movie.

0:21:020:21:05

How? He's downed tools.

0:21:050:21:09

Well, tool. Actually, it was already down.

0:21:090:21:13

-Looks like we need a new actor now, doesn't it?

-To do the pizza bit?

0:21:130:21:17

To do everything.

0:21:170:21:19

Are you proposing that I act in a scene with a female porn star? I wouldn't dream of it!

0:21:190:21:24

All right, I would dream of it. I have dreamt of it,

0:21:240:21:27

but that's not the point. No chance.

0:21:270:21:30

You don't do it, not only will your landlady kill you, I will too.

0:21:300:21:35

-I wouldn't know what to do! I've only ever seen the first few minutes!

-Look, pal,

0:21:350:21:39

we have a contract and I'm not leaving this apartment till I make my porno film.

0:21:390:21:44

You said it was an erotic thriller.

0:21:440:21:47

No, chum, it's a porno.

0:21:470:21:49

Hard-core, X-rated filth, and you, my friend, are my new male lead.

0:21:490:21:55

Oh. My mum would be so proud!

0:21:550:21:57

-I didn't place an order.

-I know you didn't.

-Speak up.

0:22:030:22:06

I know you didn't place an order. It's free. Please just take it.

0:22:060:22:10

-But I don't like pineapple.

-Then pick them off!

0:22:100:22:12

What the hell is going on?

0:22:190:22:21

Tim has got a new job delivering pizza. It was Lee's idea.

0:22:210:22:25

Oh, bloody Lee, always has to drag you down to his level.

0:22:250:22:29

Oh, don't worry. He hasn't sunk quite as low as Lee.

0:22:290:22:33

Lee's become a sexual deviant.

0:22:330:22:36

What?

0:22:360:22:37

He's using your flat for some kind of sado-masochistic bondage session.

0:22:370:22:42

Just wait till I get my hands on him. I'm going to strangle him!

0:22:420:22:46

He'd probably enjoy that.

0:22:460:22:48

I'm sorry, Vanessa, drinks are cancelled.

0:22:480:22:52

Take me home. Now.

0:22:520:22:54

Oh, today just keeps on giving, doesn't it?

0:22:550:22:58

Three, two, one, action!

0:23:050:23:08

This is a waste of a perfectly good melon.

0:23:210:23:24

Don't worry, you'll be using the other half later. Start acting.

0:23:240:23:30

I feel like I'm in a nightmare version of Jim'll Fix It.

0:23:300:23:34

Say the line!

0:23:340:23:36

-Who ordered pizza?

-Give it to me.

0:23:370:23:41

Improvise, for Christ's sake!

0:23:420:23:44

OK, I will, and you're going to love it.

0:23:440:23:47

It's 12 inches, piping hot, and the base is thin and... Not thin.

0:23:470:23:51

I mean, it's got a cheesy crust. I'll start again.

0:23:510:23:54

Who ordered pizza? Feel free to remove your own toppings.

0:23:580:24:02

Oh, well, maybe I will.

0:24:020:24:05

Oh, it's so hot in here tonight.

0:24:050:24:08

Yes, it is, but the good news is, the hosepipe ban's been lifted.

0:24:080:24:14

-Cut!

-What? That was a perfectly good bit of innuendo.

0:24:140:24:17

It wasn't sexy, Lee. Tease her a bit.

0:24:170:24:20

All right, Big Ears, how's Noddy?

0:24:220:24:23

Just start undressing her.

0:24:260:24:29

Can you go out the room?

0:24:350:24:37

I've got to film the damn thing!

0:24:370:24:39

Close your eyes.

0:24:400:24:42

I can't close my eyes, I'm directing. Action!

0:24:420:24:45

-Can I close my eyes?

-No.

0:24:460:24:48

Oh, oh...

0:24:510:24:54

Well, say something.

0:24:540:24:56

Sorry for staring at your tits!

0:24:560:24:58

Call her a tramp. Tell her what you're going to do to her!

0:24:590:25:03

What, give her 50p for a cup of tea?

0:25:030:25:05

Why would I want to have sex with a tramp?

0:25:050:25:08

Because your landlady'll be home any moment now.

0:25:080:25:12

Action! Get 'em off, sweetcheeks.

0:25:130:25:16

Oh, you're so forceful. What are you going to do to me?

0:25:160:25:19

I'm going to show you a good time, aren't I, you dirty, smelly, big-eared homeless person.

0:25:190:25:26

Oh, yeah?

0:25:260:25:27

Yeah. Now, get that cardie off or you won't feel the benefit!

0:25:270:25:32

Just forget the dialogue and start making love to her now.

0:25:330:25:39

I will, if it'll stop you shouting at me!

0:25:390:25:41

Where are you going?

0:25:410:25:43

Put my pyjamas on, brush my teeth.

0:25:430:25:45

No, let's just forget the acting altogether and go right for the big money shot.

0:25:450:25:50

Here's your big moment, Lee.

0:25:500:25:54

Oh, my God.

0:25:540:25:56

I've had enough. This time he's packing his bags and leaving.

0:25:560:25:59

Why don't we calm down, go for a drink and discuss this?

0:25:590:26:01

Well, let's invite Lee while we're here, although he might need a straw if he's still got his gimp mask on.

0:26:010:26:08

Not only does he treat my flat like he owns it, he's now using the place for his depraved sex games.

0:26:080:26:13

Come on, Lucy, that just shows how irrational you're being.

0:26:130:26:16

Lee is far from perfect, but if there's one thing he isn't, it's a sexual deviant.

0:26:160:26:20

< BRAYING NOISES

0:26:200:26:22

Maybe he's playing Buckaroo.

0:26:260:26:27

You're back early.

0:26:400:26:42

Look, no barbecue.

0:26:440:26:47

You said you weren't going to be back till half past eight.

0:26:580:27:01

I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust you again.

0:27:010:27:05

I should throw you out right now.

0:27:050:27:08

He was going to sue me.

0:27:080:27:10

No, he wasn't. I asked the flat downstairs, there was never a leak.

0:27:100:27:13

She just threw them out when she realised it was porn.

0:27:130:27:16

Well, hadn't she signed a contract?

0:27:160:27:18

No, Lee, she'd signed a six-month warranty on a tumble dryer.

0:27:180:27:21

The same as you if you'd bothered to read it.

0:27:210:27:25

Right. Well, look on the bright side, I may have gone behind your back and allowed a porn film

0:27:250:27:30

involving bestiality to be filmed in your living room, but if your tumble dryer ever breaks down...

0:27:300:27:35

-You're only staying here on two conditions.

-Which are?

0:27:350:27:38

Firstly, stop treating the flat like you own it and, secondly, get a job.

0:27:380:27:44

And, as luck would have it, I've found one for you.

0:27:440:27:48

Pizza delivery boy? You've got to be joking.

0:27:480:27:51

-Well, there is another option if you want, involving sex.

-What?

0:27:510:27:56

Take the pizza delivery job, or you can go and get f...

0:27:560:27:59

# Not going out

0:27:590:28:00

# Not staying in

0:28:000:28:02

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

0:28:020:28:05

# But that is no need to scream and shout

0:28:050:28:08

# We're not going out

0:28:080:28:11

# We are not going out. #

0:28:110:28:14

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:150:28:17

Email [email protected]

0:28:170:28:19