Debbie Not Going Out

Hi. I've just moved into the block. Can I borrow a cup of sugar?

I thought that's something people only ever said in films like, "It's crazy, but it just might work."

Or..."I love you."

-Why don't you come in?

-Because I know what you've been up to and I'm here to put a stop to it.

It's not actually illegal.

That's another one of those things people only ever say in films.

-Why? What are you...?

-Nothing.

# We're not going out, not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out... #

OK, sugar.

-Demerara, brown, caster, icing...

-Wow!

-Why have you got so many?

-It's Lucy. She does that thing. What is it?

-Cooking?

-That's it.

-Is Lucy your wife?

-No.

We row a lot, she thinks I'm useless and we never have sex, but we're not actually married.

Girlfriend?

No, just flatmates.

Now, here we are.

It says "salt".

Daisy put it in there. You know the phrase "the lights are on, but no-one's at home"?

Imagine there's been a power cut.

Is Daisy your girlfriend?

Are you from the Benefits Office?

No.

-So what flat have you moved into exactly?

-Number 98 on the other side of the green.

You've come a long way for a cup of sugar. You know there's a Tate & Lyle factory in Ipswich?

This is silly, but I've seen you around and you seemed friendly,

so I followed you back here one day to find out where you lived.

Well, that's different - someone stalking ME.

I mean, wow, that's different. Someone's STALKING me.

Don't worry. I haven't actually...

Say when.

It's OK, I believe you're not a stalker. You look far too nice to do anything like that.

When.

It was in the mid-'90s. I was trying out a new telescope.

-This woman got the wrong end of the stick. The police didn't press charges...

-The sugar!

-Oh!

Do you want a flake with that?

Thanks. Well, I'd better get back. It's been really nice meeting you.

Yeah, you too.

Sorry. I don't even know your name.

Deborah. Call me Debbie. You are...?

Lee.

Call me.

Well, I might just do that. Why don't you take my number and we can go for a drink some time?

OK. Great.

There you go. Make sure you don't wash it off.

I think you're safe there.

Anyway, see you later. Call me about that drink.

Don't overdo the sugar. I don't want you getting diabetes!

What was all that about?

-All what?

-A 19-year-old girl giving a middle-aged man her phone number?

Middle-aged? I'm not middle-aged, Lucy. Middle age starts at about 50.

50? Lee, you're from up north.

If you reach 50, you won't be middle-aged. You'll be in the Guinness Book of Records.

-Is it always this busy?

-Yeah, it's a very popular place.

Especially with our sort of age group.

I think it's the music. Lots of hip-hop, dub, garage.

# Jitterbug...

# Jitterbug

# You put the boom-boom into my heart

# You send my soul sky-high when your loving starts... #

Forget garage. Think more gents' public toilets!

I didn't realise it was karaoke night.

I could do with a bit of a giggle. I haven't had much of a chance to laugh since my mum died.

The last time you laughed was when your mum died?

Oh. Sorry.

It's not the best opening line I've said on a date.

It's OK.

Look, this isn't actually a date.

-Lee, there's something I need to tell you.

-What?

-Evening, all.

-I thought you'd made other plans. Sorry, this is Tim.

And I mean "sorry"! This is Daisy.

The one that puts the sugar in the salt jar?

I was trying to confuse the ants.

This is Debbie from the block.

# I won't be fooled by the rocks you've got, you're still, you're still Debbie from the block! #

It's a Jennifer Lopez song. I once tuned in to Radio 1 by mistake.

Who'd have thought the stuffy old accountant a fan of J-Lo?

Who'd have thought the unemployed waster a fan of jailbait?

Thank you. That's enough of me. Now it's time for you lot to get the party started.

First up, it's Timothy Adams.

Don't forget to give me a big hand.

Will a couple of fingers do?

Good luck! Break your neck!

You were saying?

I don't really live in the block and I didn't really need any sugar the other day.

I've spent the last couple of weeks tracking you down, finding out where you lived.

Why? Who are you? What's going on?

I think you might be my father.

# Surprise, surprise

# The unexpected hits you between the eyes... #

-Where's Lolita?

-If you mean Debbie, I walked her home.

-I can't believe she wasn't picked up by her dad.

She very nearly was.

When Debbie realised her mum didn't have long left, she decided to learn about who her real dad was.

-She knew she was the result of a one-night stand. Now she wanted to know who it was.

-It was you?

Don't sound too surprised. I used to be a bit of a head-turner.

Just stomachs now, is it?

-So when did this happen?

-Apparently, at some house party in the 1980s.

-"Apparently"? Can't you remember?

-I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning.

-I'm guessing Coco Pops.

-Why?

We're out of Kit Kats. I remember everyone I've slept with.

Why don't you celebrate by having a bowl of All-Bran and polishing your chastity belt, Julie Andrews?

Don't take it out on me because your past is catching up with you.

It's overtaken me, turned round, kicked me in the bollocks

and smashed me in the face with an eight-and-a-half stone baby with tits!

Do me and Debbie look similar?

What, that young, healthy-looking girl with the small nose?

Exactly. It's true. She doesn't look anything like me.

That girl that doesn't look like a cross between The Chuckle Brothers' less attractive sibling

and a rat that only ate half the poison?

You had me at "hello".

-That's irrelevant. I don't look like my dad.

-I don't know. You've got the man boobs.

-What worries me is she might be a con artist after my money.

-You should worry.

-Yeah.

-If she's after your money, she might be stupid enough to be your real daughter.

-So what are you going to do now?

-I'm not doing anything.

-You've got to at least talk to her.

A girl turns up at my door after 20 years and says, "I'm your daughter." What should I say?

"What time do you call this? I told you you had to be back by 1993."

So has she been back in touch?

She left a couple of voicemails, but I didn't call back.

I texted!

"Thanks for your messages. I've gone to New Zealand and won't be back for a while. PS, I'm not your dad."

Have you got any compassion?

I did the "sad face" symbol.

-I'm not her father. I can't be.

-How do you know?

It happened at a house party in Lower Ebsworth. I've never heard of it, never mind been there!

That's exactly where we first met. At a house party in Lower Ebsworth. My house party.

-No, we didn't.

-Yes, we did. It was at my parents' house. You came with that mutual friend we knew - Terry.

You must remember Terry. Tiny fella, about five foot. And that was in high heels.

Oh, yeah, little Terry.

Oh, God, I do remember that party! Tim, you're right.

Who's the daddy? Sorry.

In fact, I think I even remember meeting a girl there.

# Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand

# Just like that river twisting... #

Don't turn round, madam. I'll predict what you look like with my mind-reading skills.

To start with, you're not wearing any knickers.

You are. Looks like I can predict the future too.

I've actually been sick in my mouth.

-I'm Tim.

-Lee. Is there any reason you're dressed like that?

-Like what?

-Like a cross between Gloria Hunniford and a white Michael Jackson.

A white Michael Jackson? That's a funny image.

I hope you're not intending to light that in a designated no-smoking area.

I haven't spent all day putting "no smoking" signs up for the good of my health. Actually...

This is your party, is it, mate?

-Yeah. I'm celebrating the completion of my Advanced Fiscal Studies and Business Accounting exams.

-Wow!

You're living the dream. I bet you're looking forward to waking up.

Well, enjoy the party.

There's only a few do's and don'ts, but on the whole, I'm a laid-back, chilled-out sort of host.

Oi, those vol-au-vents are under clingfilm for a reason!

It's a good party, isn't it? Do you know Fat Larry's Band?

Is he? Why, does he keep eating all the sandwiches?

-What do they call you then?

-I can answer that.

Terry, I'm trying to have a conversation here.

Let's dance.

MUSIC STOPS Right, everyone, who's for Trivial Pursuits?

I tell you what. Why don't we nip upstairs to the bedroom?

I'll be your private dancer.

Oh, dancer for money. I'm not saying you're a...

Come on.

Well, then what happened?

While you were downstairs answering Science and Nature, I was upstairs getting Sport and Leisure!

Are you sure?

Yes, I even remember the rickety, old bunk-beds and the Master of the Universe duvet cover.

You did it in my bedroom?!

Oh, God, I am her father!

You've only got yourself to blame. There were A4 cards everywhere.

-"Sexual practices only permissible in the designated sexual practices areas."

-What are we going to do?

-"We"? What do you mean, "we"?

-Oh, like that, is it?

Your house, your friends, your idea to have a party, yet I do one tiny little thing!

-And another thing. Do you know what we did after we had sex?

-What?

I had a cigarette!

-I don't want to be a father, Lucy.

-Why not?

-What do you mean, "why not"?

-I mean "why...not"?

-Sorry, I must have the wrong ears on.

That sounded like the same words with a gap in the middle.

No, you've got the right ears on. THEY'VE got a gap in the middle.

-Answer the question.

-Because I'd be terrible at it. I can barely afford to feed myself, let alone a child.

-She's a fully-grown woman.

-Exactly. She'll eat more.

She doesn't need providing for.

-What about when she wants to go to university?

-I thought you'd accepted she was your daughter.

-I have.

Well, then, stop panicking. She won't ever be going to university.

Lee, she just wants to get to know you. That's all.

The only decision you've got to make is what kind of father you'll be -

a good one, a great one or an amazing one.

I don't suppose "absent one" is on the list, is it?

-So what do I do?

-You can start by taking her out for the day.

-Where?

-It doesn't matter.

Just get this idea out of your head that you need to provide for her.

She's not a child, she's an adult. Start treating her like one.

HE SIGHS

Oh, for... Not again. God knows how Dutch people get to work!

-Thanks.

-What for?

Flying straight back from New Zealand.

Oh, yeah. That's OK. I was getting sick of it anyway. Too many hobbits.

I was thinking you didn't like the idea of a long-lost child.

Don't be silly. I wish I'd been there when you were growing up. I have a natural rapport with kids.

Oi, we haven't finished yet, you little shit!

When I was younger, my mum said I never met you because you were always away on business.

-She said you were rich, powerful, good-looking.

-Really?

You know what parents are like, telling white lies to their kids!

I'm doing all right for myself. I've got a few quid in the bank.

Well, a little bit. Not enough for stuff like...

Have you been to university yet?

-Is that what you think I'm here for? Money?

-I didn't say that.

-But that's what you meant.

-Shut it!

-I think that's a bit harsh.

-I know. Those blades are way too big.

-If you knew me better, you'd know I wasn't like that.

-I don't. That's the problem.

I am sorry you were the result of a one-night stand.

In those days, I was young and I was stupid, but I've changed.

Yeah, you're not young any more.

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you growing up, but as I get older, I realise life is like playing golf.

If things haven't worked out the way you want them,

you can either moan about it or accept defeat gracefully.

That way, instead of looking at all the things that could have been,

you put the past behind you, forget about it and get on with succeeding in what you want to do next.

-So how was it left with Debbie?

-She asked me to go round to her house next week for a chat.

-What are you going to do?

-I hope she lives in a windmill, so I can't get through the front door.

I did my best. It didn't work out. My conscience is clean.

Unlike my Masters of the Universe duvet cover.

Haven't you got a moral obligation as her father?

I'm not her father. I'm just the person who got her mother pregnant which led to her being born.

That's like saying you're not Lucy's lodger, just the person who lives in her flat

-and leaves that hideous stuff on the bathroom floor.

-Some of us have to stand up when we go for a tinkle!

I wish I'd never gone to that party. I never would have met you or that stupid Karen bloody Bradeley!

You never told me her name was Karen Bradeley.

What does it matter what her name was?

Trust me, it matters.

-Oh!

-Ow!

-Tim!

Oh, hi, sweetheart.

I wondered where you'd got to. Sorry about this. We've got a crisp-treader in our midst.

What were you doing in my bedroom?

Getting a packet of fags from my coat pocket.

What's going on, Karen? You weren't doing something you shouldn't?

Sorry, Tim.

It was just a quickie. It doesn't mean anything.

It may not mean anything to you, but you're not the one having to scrub the bedroom walls with Dettol!

Karen, you know the rules. No smoking in the bedrooms, even if it is just a quickie.

Right.

Yes, of course.

I'll open the window. If Dad thinks it was me, he'll sellotape my Connect-4 up again.

I've already opened it. Why don't we go and have a dance?

-The only dance I'm doing is the Shake'n'Vac to put the freshness back.

-Oh, please. Pretty please!

Then afterwards, you can arrange one of your brilliant charades tournaments.

You know I find your Arnie impression very sexy.

Crisps? I'll be back.

-I didn't know she had a boyfriend.

-Didn't you even bother asking?

When you get a new job, you don't ask if someone's still doing the job.

-You turn up and make the most of the warm seat.

-I've never heard so much rubbish in all my life! You, a job?

-How long were you together for?

-A week.

A week? You're giving me grief for a meaningless romance?

It wasn't meaningless. She was my first...proper girlfriend.

-What?

-She, you know...

made me a man.

Out of what? Plasticine?

-You mean you lost your virg...?

-Yes.

-To Karen?

-Yes!

-If you slept with her in the same week as me, you know what this means, don't you?

Have you got to the bit with the stork yet?

# Young girl, get out of my mind... #

Shut up!

-Didn't you use precautions?

-How come you never bothered asking me that question?

-You're northern.

-Well?

-I was naive and inexperienced in those days.

-My, how you've grown(!)

-Daisy, inform Judas that I'm still not talking to him.

Daisy, inform Jesus of Henley that Judas didn't know him at the time

and Mary Magdalene cajoled Judas into the manger with promises of gold, frankincense and Malibu!

What was the first bit?

-So what are you going to do?

-Nothing. It's not me Karen said was the father. It was him.

-If she slept with both of us in the same week, she can't know who the father was.

-That's not true.

-I know a woman who was in a threesome, but still knew which one got her pregnant.

-How?

Well, it was obvious. It was the man.

Look, all that matters is that one of you is the father and there's a simple way of proving it.

A paternity test.

-All right, let's do it.

-Fine. Bring it on.

Name the time, the place and the small plastic cup.

No, they take a swab of DNA from the inside of your mouth.

So, you, clean your teeth. We don't want them thinking Colonel Sanders was the father.

Dads are a bit like buses. You wait your whole life for one and two come along at once.

Except one is a luxury coach with air-conditioning

and the other is a late night bus full of vomit and nutters.

-I can't lie. This is all a bit of a shock.

-Your mum was obviously a bit of a dark horse.

I mean in a good way.

Think of her as a fine, noble filly that everyone wanted to... I'll shut up.

Thanks for doing the paternity test.

It's not easy, but I guess it's something we have to do.

One of us is certainly going to be disappointed.

I mean, if he's the father, I'll be disappointed. And if I'm the father...

She'll be disappointed.

I know this is a big shock for you as well and I'm sorry that I've just suddenly turned up in your lives.

When Mum died, I felt really lost and isolated and I want to feel like I'm part of something again.

It's us that need to apologise.

We've been so busy thinking about how this will affect OUR lives, we haven't given you much thought.

If it is me, I'll always be there for you.

Me too. If it is Tim, you can phone me whenever you like.

I'm joking. If it's me, I'll be there for you too.

Thanks. But no more crazy golf.

-The ban's not lifted for another ten years.

-Maybe next time we meet up, I can bring Toby along.

-Who's Toby? Your boyfriend, your dog or your jug?

-I'm good with dogs.

-I got my Blue Peter badge for obedience training.

-I got mine for stealing.

-What did you steal?

-A Blue Peter badge.

He's neither. Toby's my son.

You mean one of us is a grandad?

I guess so.

Well, I hope it's you. You've already got the clothes.

She's taking her time with these test results.

I've just thought - this could make me a sort of stepmum.

Debbie will have to escape my evil clutches by moving to the forest to live with seven dwarves.

How annoying, travelling miles to escape from you and Dopey answers the door!

-Stop pacing, Tim. Don't be stressed.

-I'm not stressed. An absent father and a grandparent at 40?

It's bound to be the northerner.

-Well?

-I haven't opened it yet. I wanted you both to be here when I did.

Well, go on then.

Oh, my God, it can't be true!

It must be Lee.

- It's not Lee. - I'm going to be sick.

Ah, that'll be my poisoned apple!

DAISY LAUGHS

Too soon?

It's not you either, Tim.

Well, don't look at me.

It says there's no DNA match with either of you. I still don't know who my dad is.

SHE SOBS

I don't understand. She went out with you and she slept with you at Tim's graduation party.

One of you must be my dad.

Graduation party? The one you had when you were still living at home?

-Yeah.

-You never said it was that party.

-You don't remember it. You were only eight.

Of course I do. How could I forget? It was full of idiots.

# Tainted love

# Now I know I've got to... #

That's better.

That's why they call it a yucca.

-How old are you?

-Eight.

-You're very tall.

-You're kneeling down.

-Oh, yeah.

Where's Tim?

Tim? Oh, you mean the posh, inbred-looking dandy?

He's my brother, actually.

What does "inbred" mean?

You know, that Chris de Burgh song?

Lady "Inbred".

No, it's not. It's something to do with sex, isn't it?

All right, it means when you like having sex in bread.

Why would Tim have sex in bread?

I don't know. Cos he's his Mother's Pride? Go away, small girl.

What the hell are you doing out of bed?

Never hang around afterwards. They get clingy... Oh, her.

Lucy, get back to bed before Mum and Dad get home.

I can't sleep with all this racket.

-Sleep in the spare room. It's quieter in there.

-He said you like having sex in bread.

-I didn't mean it.

-What did you mean?

I meant you like having sex with your relatives.

It's better than having sex in bread.

Actually, you could combine both and have sex with your "naan".

GIGGLING

I tell you what, Terry. For a little man, you have very large hands.

I'm glad we're finally lying down. At least now I can reach your knockers!

Ahem!

Sorry, love. This room's taken.

Blimey! That woman was smaller than me!

Her life might have been cut tragically short, but she didn't half fit a lot in.

It was good that you managed to trace Terry.

Yeah, I searched high and low. And there he was - low.

It's all turned out for the best. They're getting on well. They had a day out at Alton Towers.

-How was it?

-Not great. Terry wasn't allowed on any rides.

Was she not disappointed to find her mum was... you know, a bit of a girl?

It's part of growing up. I remember when I was 12 finding out my mum was a drinker.

That must have been hard for you.

It was. I had to start drinking in a different pub.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Sorry, I've just moved in upstairs. Could I borrow some milk?

There's a Tesco's round the corner.

# We're not going out, not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out... #