Debbie Not Going Out


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Debbie

Sitcom. Lee's past catches up with him when a young woman appears on his doorstep and asks for a cup of sugar.


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Hi. I've just moved into the block. Can I borrow a cup of sugar?

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I thought that's something people only ever said in films like, "It's crazy, but it just might work."

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Or..."I love you."

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-Why don't you come in?

-Because I know what you've been up to and I'm here to put a stop to it.

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It's not actually illegal.

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That's another one of those things people only ever say in films.

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-Why? What are you...?

-Nothing.

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# We're not going out, not staying in

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# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

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# But there is no need to scream and shout

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# We're not going out

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# We are not going out... #

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OK, sugar.

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-Demerara, brown, caster, icing...

-Wow!

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-Why have you got so many?

-It's Lucy. She does that thing. What is it?

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-Cooking?

-That's it.

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-Is Lucy your wife?

-No.

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We row a lot, she thinks I'm useless and we never have sex, but we're not actually married.

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Girlfriend?

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No, just flatmates.

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Now, here we are.

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It says "salt".

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Daisy put it in there. You know the phrase "the lights are on, but no-one's at home"?

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Imagine there's been a power cut.

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Is Daisy your girlfriend?

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Are you from the Benefits Office?

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No.

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-So what flat have you moved into exactly?

-Number 98 on the other side of the green.

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You've come a long way for a cup of sugar. You know there's a Tate & Lyle factory in Ipswich?

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This is silly, but I've seen you around and you seemed friendly,

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so I followed you back here one day to find out where you lived.

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Well, that's different - someone stalking ME.

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I mean, wow, that's different. Someone's STALKING me.

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Don't worry. I haven't actually...

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Say when.

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It's OK, I believe you're not a stalker. You look far too nice to do anything like that.

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When.

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It was in the mid-'90s. I was trying out a new telescope.

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-This woman got the wrong end of the stick. The police didn't press charges...

-The sugar!

-Oh!

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Do you want a flake with that?

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Thanks. Well, I'd better get back. It's been really nice meeting you.

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Yeah, you too.

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Sorry. I don't even know your name.

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Deborah. Call me Debbie. You are...?

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Lee.

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Call me.

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Well, I might just do that. Why don't you take my number and we can go for a drink some time?

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OK. Great.

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There you go. Make sure you don't wash it off.

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I think you're safe there.

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Anyway, see you later. Call me about that drink.

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Don't overdo the sugar. I don't want you getting diabetes!

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What was all that about?

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-All what?

-A 19-year-old girl giving a middle-aged man her phone number?

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Middle-aged? I'm not middle-aged, Lucy. Middle age starts at about 50.

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50? Lee, you're from up north.

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If you reach 50, you won't be middle-aged. You'll be in the Guinness Book of Records.

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-Is it always this busy?

-Yeah, it's a very popular place.

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Especially with our sort of age group.

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I think it's the music. Lots of hip-hop, dub, garage.

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# Jitterbug...

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# Jitterbug

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# You put the boom-boom into my heart

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# You send my soul sky-high when your loving starts... #

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Forget garage. Think more gents' public toilets!

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I didn't realise it was karaoke night.

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I could do with a bit of a giggle. I haven't had much of a chance to laugh since my mum died.

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The last time you laughed was when your mum died?

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Oh. Sorry.

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It's not the best opening line I've said on a date.

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It's OK.

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Look, this isn't actually a date.

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-Lee, there's something I need to tell you.

-What?

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-Evening, all.

-I thought you'd made other plans. Sorry, this is Tim.

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And I mean "sorry"! This is Daisy.

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The one that puts the sugar in the salt jar?

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I was trying to confuse the ants.

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This is Debbie from the block.

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# I won't be fooled by the rocks you've got, you're still, you're still Debbie from the block! #

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It's a Jennifer Lopez song. I once tuned in to Radio 1 by mistake.

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Who'd have thought the stuffy old accountant a fan of J-Lo?

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Who'd have thought the unemployed waster a fan of jailbait?

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Thank you. That's enough of me. Now it's time for you lot to get the party started.

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First up, it's Timothy Adams.

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Don't forget to give me a big hand.

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Will a couple of fingers do?

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Good luck! Break your neck!

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You were saying?

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I don't really live in the block and I didn't really need any sugar the other day.

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I've spent the last couple of weeks tracking you down, finding out where you lived.

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Why? Who are you? What's going on?

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I think you might be my father.

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# Surprise, surprise

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# The unexpected hits you between the eyes... #

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-Where's Lolita?

-If you mean Debbie, I walked her home.

-I can't believe she wasn't picked up by her dad.

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She very nearly was.

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When Debbie realised her mum didn't have long left, she decided to learn about who her real dad was.

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-She knew she was the result of a one-night stand. Now she wanted to know who it was.

-It was you?

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Don't sound too surprised. I used to be a bit of a head-turner.

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Just stomachs now, is it?

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-So when did this happen?

-Apparently, at some house party in the 1980s.

-"Apparently"? Can't you remember?

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-I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning.

-I'm guessing Coco Pops.

-Why?

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We're out of Kit Kats. I remember everyone I've slept with.

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Why don't you celebrate by having a bowl of All-Bran and polishing your chastity belt, Julie Andrews?

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Don't take it out on me because your past is catching up with you.

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It's overtaken me, turned round, kicked me in the bollocks

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and smashed me in the face with an eight-and-a-half stone baby with tits!

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Do me and Debbie look similar?

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What, that young, healthy-looking girl with the small nose?

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Exactly. It's true. She doesn't look anything like me.

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That girl that doesn't look like a cross between The Chuckle Brothers' less attractive sibling

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and a rat that only ate half the poison?

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You had me at "hello".

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-That's irrelevant. I don't look like my dad.

-I don't know. You've got the man boobs.

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-What worries me is she might be a con artist after my money.

-You should worry.

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-Yeah.

-If she's after your money, she might be stupid enough to be your real daughter.

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-So what are you going to do now?

-I'm not doing anything.

-You've got to at least talk to her.

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A girl turns up at my door after 20 years and says, "I'm your daughter." What should I say?

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"What time do you call this? I told you you had to be back by 1993."

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So has she been back in touch?

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She left a couple of voicemails, but I didn't call back.

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I texted!

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"Thanks for your messages. I've gone to New Zealand and won't be back for a while. PS, I'm not your dad."

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Have you got any compassion?

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I did the "sad face" symbol.

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-I'm not her father. I can't be.

-How do you know?

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It happened at a house party in Lower Ebsworth. I've never heard of it, never mind been there!

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That's exactly where we first met. At a house party in Lower Ebsworth. My house party.

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-No, we didn't.

-Yes, we did. It was at my parents' house. You came with that mutual friend we knew - Terry.

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You must remember Terry. Tiny fella, about five foot. And that was in high heels.

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Oh, yeah, little Terry.

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Oh, God, I do remember that party! Tim, you're right.

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Who's the daddy? Sorry.

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In fact, I think I even remember meeting a girl there.

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# Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand

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# Just like that river twisting... #

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Don't turn round, madam. I'll predict what you look like with my mind-reading skills.

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To start with, you're not wearing any knickers.

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You are. Looks like I can predict the future too.

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I've actually been sick in my mouth.

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-I'm Tim.

-Lee. Is there any reason you're dressed like that?

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-Like what?

-Like a cross between Gloria Hunniford and a white Michael Jackson.

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A white Michael Jackson? That's a funny image.

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I hope you're not intending to light that in a designated no-smoking area.

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I haven't spent all day putting "no smoking" signs up for the good of my health. Actually...

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This is your party, is it, mate?

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-Yeah. I'm celebrating the completion of my Advanced Fiscal Studies and Business Accounting exams.

-Wow!

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You're living the dream. I bet you're looking forward to waking up.

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Well, enjoy the party.

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There's only a few do's and don'ts, but on the whole, I'm a laid-back, chilled-out sort of host.

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Oi, those vol-au-vents are under clingfilm for a reason!

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It's a good party, isn't it? Do you know Fat Larry's Band?

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Is he? Why, does he keep eating all the sandwiches?

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-What do they call you then?

-I can answer that.

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Terry, I'm trying to have a conversation here.

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Let's dance.

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MUSIC STOPS Right, everyone, who's for Trivial Pursuits?

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I tell you what. Why don't we nip upstairs to the bedroom?

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I'll be your private dancer.

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Oh, dancer for money. I'm not saying you're a...

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Come on.

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Well, then what happened?

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While you were downstairs answering Science and Nature, I was upstairs getting Sport and Leisure!

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Are you sure?

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Yes, I even remember the rickety, old bunk-beds and the Master of the Universe duvet cover.

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You did it in my bedroom?!

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Oh, God, I am her father!

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You've only got yourself to blame. There were A4 cards everywhere.

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-"Sexual practices only permissible in the designated sexual practices areas."

-What are we going to do?

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-"We"? What do you mean, "we"?

-Oh, like that, is it?

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Your house, your friends, your idea to have a party, yet I do one tiny little thing!

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-And another thing. Do you know what we did after we had sex?

-What?

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I had a cigarette!

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-I don't want to be a father, Lucy.

-Why not?

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-What do you mean, "why not"?

-I mean "why...not"?

-Sorry, I must have the wrong ears on.

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That sounded like the same words with a gap in the middle.

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No, you've got the right ears on. THEY'VE got a gap in the middle.

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-Answer the question.

-Because I'd be terrible at it. I can barely afford to feed myself, let alone a child.

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-She's a fully-grown woman.

-Exactly. She'll eat more.

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She doesn't need providing for.

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-What about when she wants to go to university?

-I thought you'd accepted she was your daughter.

-I have.

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Well, then, stop panicking. She won't ever be going to university.

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Lee, she just wants to get to know you. That's all.

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The only decision you've got to make is what kind of father you'll be -

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a good one, a great one or an amazing one.

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I don't suppose "absent one" is on the list, is it?

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-So what do I do?

-You can start by taking her out for the day.

-Where?

-It doesn't matter.

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Just get this idea out of your head that you need to provide for her.

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She's not a child, she's an adult. Start treating her like one.

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HE SIGHS

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Oh, for... Not again. God knows how Dutch people get to work!

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-Thanks.

-What for?

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Flying straight back from New Zealand.

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Oh, yeah. That's OK. I was getting sick of it anyway. Too many hobbits.

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I was thinking you didn't like the idea of a long-lost child.

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Don't be silly. I wish I'd been there when you were growing up. I have a natural rapport with kids.

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Oi, we haven't finished yet, you little shit!

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When I was younger, my mum said I never met you because you were always away on business.

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-She said you were rich, powerful, good-looking.

-Really?

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You know what parents are like, telling white lies to their kids!

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I'm doing all right for myself. I've got a few quid in the bank.

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Well, a little bit. Not enough for stuff like...

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Have you been to university yet?

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-Is that what you think I'm here for? Money?

-I didn't say that.

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-But that's what you meant.

-Shut it!

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-I think that's a bit harsh.

-I know. Those blades are way too big.

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-If you knew me better, you'd know I wasn't like that.

-I don't. That's the problem.

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I am sorry you were the result of a one-night stand.

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In those days, I was young and I was stupid, but I've changed.

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Yeah, you're not young any more.

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I'm sorry I wasn't there for you growing up, but as I get older, I realise life is like playing golf.

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If things haven't worked out the way you want them,

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you can either moan about it or accept defeat gracefully.

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That way, instead of looking at all the things that could have been,

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you put the past behind you, forget about it and get on with succeeding in what you want to do next.

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-So how was it left with Debbie?

-She asked me to go round to her house next week for a chat.

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-What are you going to do?

-I hope she lives in a windmill, so I can't get through the front door.

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I did my best. It didn't work out. My conscience is clean.

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Unlike my Masters of the Universe duvet cover.

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Haven't you got a moral obligation as her father?

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I'm not her father. I'm just the person who got her mother pregnant which led to her being born.

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That's like saying you're not Lucy's lodger, just the person who lives in her flat

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-and leaves that hideous stuff on the bathroom floor.

-Some of us have to stand up when we go for a tinkle!

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I wish I'd never gone to that party. I never would have met you or that stupid Karen bloody Bradeley!

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You never told me her name was Karen Bradeley.

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What does it matter what her name was?

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Trust me, it matters.

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-Oh!

-Ow!

-Tim!

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Oh, hi, sweetheart.

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I wondered where you'd got to. Sorry about this. We've got a crisp-treader in our midst.

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What were you doing in my bedroom?

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Getting a packet of fags from my coat pocket.

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What's going on, Karen? You weren't doing something you shouldn't?

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Sorry, Tim.

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It was just a quickie. It doesn't mean anything.

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It may not mean anything to you, but you're not the one having to scrub the bedroom walls with Dettol!

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Karen, you know the rules. No smoking in the bedrooms, even if it is just a quickie.

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Right.

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Yes, of course.

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I'll open the window. If Dad thinks it was me, he'll sellotape my Connect-4 up again.

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I've already opened it. Why don't we go and have a dance?

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-The only dance I'm doing is the Shake'n'Vac to put the freshness back.

-Oh, please. Pretty please!

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Then afterwards, you can arrange one of your brilliant charades tournaments.

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You know I find your Arnie impression very sexy.

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Crisps? I'll be back.

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-I didn't know she had a boyfriend.

-Didn't you even bother asking?

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When you get a new job, you don't ask if someone's still doing the job.

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-You turn up and make the most of the warm seat.

-I've never heard so much rubbish in all my life! You, a job?

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-How long were you together for?

-A week.

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A week? You're giving me grief for a meaningless romance?

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It wasn't meaningless. She was my first...proper girlfriend.

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-What?

-She, you know...

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made me a man.

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Out of what? Plasticine?

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-You mean you lost your virg...?

-Yes.

-To Karen?

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-Yes!

-If you slept with her in the same week as me, you know what this means, don't you?

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Have you got to the bit with the stork yet?

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# Young girl, get out of my mind... #

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Shut up!

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-Didn't you use precautions?

-How come you never bothered asking me that question?

-You're northern.

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-Well?

-I was naive and inexperienced in those days.

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-My, how you've grown(!)

-Daisy, inform Judas that I'm still not talking to him.

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Daisy, inform Jesus of Henley that Judas didn't know him at the time

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and Mary Magdalene cajoled Judas into the manger with promises of gold, frankincense and Malibu!

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What was the first bit?

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-So what are you going to do?

-Nothing. It's not me Karen said was the father. It was him.

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-If she slept with both of us in the same week, she can't know who the father was.

-That's not true.

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-I know a woman who was in a threesome, but still knew which one got her pregnant.

-How?

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Well, it was obvious. It was the man.

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Look, all that matters is that one of you is the father and there's a simple way of proving it.

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A paternity test.

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-All right, let's do it.

-Fine. Bring it on.

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Name the time, the place and the small plastic cup.

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No, they take a swab of DNA from the inside of your mouth.

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So, you, clean your teeth. We don't want them thinking Colonel Sanders was the father.

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Dads are a bit like buses. You wait your whole life for one and two come along at once.

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Except one is a luxury coach with air-conditioning

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and the other is a late night bus full of vomit and nutters.

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-I can't lie. This is all a bit of a shock.

-Your mum was obviously a bit of a dark horse.

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I mean in a good way.

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Think of her as a fine, noble filly that everyone wanted to... I'll shut up.

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Thanks for doing the paternity test.

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It's not easy, but I guess it's something we have to do.

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One of us is certainly going to be disappointed.

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I mean, if he's the father, I'll be disappointed. And if I'm the father...

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She'll be disappointed.

0:21:270:21:29

I know this is a big shock for you as well and I'm sorry that I've just suddenly turned up in your lives.

0:21:290:21:35

When Mum died, I felt really lost and isolated and I want to feel like I'm part of something again.

0:21:350:21:41

It's us that need to apologise.

0:21:410:21:43

We've been so busy thinking about how this will affect OUR lives, we haven't given you much thought.

0:21:430:21:49

If it is me, I'll always be there for you.

0:21:490:21:52

Me too. If it is Tim, you can phone me whenever you like.

0:21:520:21:57

I'm joking. If it's me, I'll be there for you too.

0:21:570:22:01

Thanks. But no more crazy golf.

0:22:010:22:03

-The ban's not lifted for another ten years.

-Maybe next time we meet up, I can bring Toby along.

0:22:030:22:09

-Who's Toby? Your boyfriend, your dog or your jug?

-I'm good with dogs.

0:22:090:22:13

-I got my Blue Peter badge for obedience training.

-I got mine for stealing.

0:22:130:22:18

-What did you steal?

-A Blue Peter badge.

0:22:180:22:21

He's neither. Toby's my son.

0:22:210:22:24

You mean one of us is a grandad?

0:22:270:22:30

I guess so.

0:22:310:22:33

Well, I hope it's you. You've already got the clothes.

0:22:330:22:37

She's taking her time with these test results.

0:22:460:22:49

I've just thought - this could make me a sort of stepmum.

0:22:490:22:53

Debbie will have to escape my evil clutches by moving to the forest to live with seven dwarves.

0:22:530:22:58

How annoying, travelling miles to escape from you and Dopey answers the door!

0:22:580:23:04

-Stop pacing, Tim. Don't be stressed.

-I'm not stressed. An absent father and a grandparent at 40?

0:23:050:23:11

It's bound to be the northerner.

0:23:110:23:15

-Well?

-I haven't opened it yet. I wanted you both to be here when I did.

0:23:180:23:23

Well, go on then.

0:23:230:23:26

Oh, my God, it can't be true!

0:23:300:23:33

It must be Lee.

0:23:330:23:35

- It's not Lee. - I'm going to be sick.

0:23:370:23:40

Ah, that'll be my poisoned apple!

0:23:400:23:43

DAISY LAUGHS

0:23:440:23:46

Too soon?

0:23:460:23:48

It's not you either, Tim.

0:23:500:23:52

Well, don't look at me.

0:23:540:23:56

It says there's no DNA match with either of you. I still don't know who my dad is.

0:23:560:24:02

SHE SOBS

0:24:020:24:04

I don't understand. She went out with you and she slept with you at Tim's graduation party.

0:24:120:24:18

One of you must be my dad.

0:24:180:24:21

Graduation party? The one you had when you were still living at home?

0:24:210:24:25

-Yeah.

-You never said it was that party.

-You don't remember it. You were only eight.

0:24:250:24:29

Of course I do. How could I forget? It was full of idiots.

0:24:290:24:34

# Tainted love

0:24:340:24:36

# Now I know I've got to... #

0:24:360:24:40

That's better.

0:24:400:24:42

That's why they call it a yucca.

0:24:420:24:45

-How old are you?

-Eight.

0:24:470:24:50

-You're very tall.

-You're kneeling down.

-Oh, yeah.

0:24:500:24:54

Where's Tim?

0:24:550:24:58

Tim? Oh, you mean the posh, inbred-looking dandy?

0:24:580:25:02

He's my brother, actually.

0:25:020:25:05

What does "inbred" mean?

0:25:060:25:09

You know, that Chris de Burgh song?

0:25:090:25:12

Lady "Inbred".

0:25:120:25:14

No, it's not. It's something to do with sex, isn't it?

0:25:140:25:17

All right, it means when you like having sex in bread.

0:25:190:25:23

Why would Tim have sex in bread?

0:25:240:25:28

I don't know. Cos he's his Mother's Pride? Go away, small girl.

0:25:280:25:31

What the hell are you doing out of bed?

0:25:310:25:34

Never hang around afterwards. They get clingy... Oh, her.

0:25:340:25:38

Lucy, get back to bed before Mum and Dad get home.

0:25:380:25:41

I can't sleep with all this racket.

0:25:410:25:43

-Sleep in the spare room. It's quieter in there.

-He said you like having sex in bread.

0:25:430:25:49

-I didn't mean it.

-What did you mean?

0:25:500:25:53

I meant you like having sex with your relatives.

0:25:530:25:58

It's better than having sex in bread.

0:25:580:26:00

Actually, you could combine both and have sex with your "naan".

0:26:000:26:05

GIGGLING

0:26:070:26:09

I tell you what, Terry. For a little man, you have very large hands.

0:26:120:26:17

I'm glad we're finally lying down. At least now I can reach your knockers!

0:26:170:26:22

Ahem!

0:26:220:26:24

Sorry, love. This room's taken.

0:26:240:26:27

Blimey! That woman was smaller than me!

0:26:290:26:32

Her life might have been cut tragically short, but she didn't half fit a lot in.

0:26:370:26:42

It was good that you managed to trace Terry.

0:26:490:26:52

Yeah, I searched high and low. And there he was - low.

0:26:520:26:55

It's all turned out for the best. They're getting on well. They had a day out at Alton Towers.

0:26:570:27:02

-How was it?

-Not great. Terry wasn't allowed on any rides.

0:27:020:27:06

Was she not disappointed to find her mum was... you know, a bit of a girl?

0:27:070:27:13

It's part of growing up. I remember when I was 12 finding out my mum was a drinker.

0:27:130:27:18

That must have been hard for you.

0:27:180:27:20

It was. I had to start drinking in a different pub.

0:27:200:27:24

KNOCK AT DOOR

0:27:240:27:27

Sorry, I've just moved in upstairs. Could I borrow some milk?

0:27:280:27:32

There's a Tesco's round the corner.

0:27:340:27:37

# We're not going out, not staying in

0:27:400:27:44

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

0:27:440:27:48

# But there is no need to scream and shout

0:27:480:27:51

# We're not going out

0:27:510:27:54

# We are not going out... #

0:27:540:27:57