Drugs Not Going Out


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Drugs

Sitcom. After a night spent out clubbing, Tim returns to the flat wearing the wrong coat, and convinces Lee to help him return it to its owner.


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# We're not going out

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# Not staying in

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# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

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# But there is no need to scream and shout

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# We're not going out

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# We are not going out. #

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-Where are you going?

-It's a business thing.

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At this time? Times are hard, but how are you earning money nowadays?

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-Ho ho ho.

-I heard you the first time.

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I'm catching an overnight train to a conference, so you're on your own for a couple of days.

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Try to behave like a human adult. I haven't got time to lay down newspaper.

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I can be civilised. I'll have an evening of blues and jazz. Dig out the old seven inches.

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By "blues and jazz" I'm guessing you mean blue movies and jazz magazines?

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-Yeah. And "by dig out the old..."

-Got it!

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-Hi!

-Hi, Daisy. Lee, can you get my dad's nail gun?

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She's a bit dippy, but she deserves the right to live.

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I'm joking.

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Of course I'll shoot her.

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Thank you for lending it to me, Lucy.

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-That's OK. What do you need it for?

-Well, loads of DIY things.

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Plus that garden sculpture that Tim bought keeps collapsing.

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-What garden sculpture?

-Oh, you know, what's it called?

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Giant Jenga?

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Thank you. Right, I'd better dash. I'm parked on a speed hump.

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It's not illegal, but it makes me really nervous, like it might shrug me off.

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Hope she's going to be all right with that nail gun.

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Why's she doing the DIY, anyway?

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-My brother's not exactly a handyman.

-I don't know.

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He's handy for tips on how to arrange a flower display.

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"First the tall stems, then the shorter. To keep fresh, add sugar to the water." Jane Asher, 1998.

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What about that for an entrance? Why's my girlfriend just walked out of your flat?

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-I hope you're not up to anything, you scoundrel.

-Don't be silly.

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-I was too busy shagging your sister.

-What are you doing here?

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I'm on my way back from the work's night out. A rough place.

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-Although it didn't stop us having a raucous night.

-Raucous night?

-Yep.

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It's quarter past nine.

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I had to leave early. There was no anti-bacterial handwash in the gents.

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Daisy left her coat, by the way.

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Talking of coats, what are you wearing? You're like two dwarfs with one cinema ticket.

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This is a very practical coat, actually. It's warm, machine washable

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and there's loads of pockets for your bits and...

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..bobs.

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If that's your bits and bobs, I can't wait to see your knick-knacks.

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Oh, sh... Sugar.

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I don't think it's sugar.

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I think the phrase you're looking for is, "Oh, sh... Class A drugs."

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-I must have picked up the wrong coat.

-How could you, you idiot?

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You think he feels stupid? What about the Colombian drugs baron in Tim's cagoule?

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-What am I going to do?

-Flush it down the toilet.

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It's extra large, it would never get past the U-bend.

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-The drugs.

-They belong to someone. What if he tracks me down?

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-How?

-He's got my coat.

-It's not like you've sewn a little name tag in your collar.

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You have sewn a name tag in your collar.

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So he knows Timothy Adams has got his drugs.

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-There must be a hundred Timothy Adams in London.

-Not Timothy Gladstone Adams.

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You sew your middle name into your coat?

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-Yes.

-Why?

-Because there must be a hundred Timothy Adams in London.

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I'm going to miss this train.

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Ring the police. Now.

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-What are you doing?

-Doing what Lucy said.

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If you do, someone will give you shoes that'll send you to the bottom of a lake.

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Crocs?

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-Look, maybe it isn't even drugs.

-Well, what is it?

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It could be anything. It could be washing powder.

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Yeah, he popped in for a pint after a long day doing the Daz doorstep challenge.

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-What are you doing?

-I'm proving to you it's not washing powder.

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What are you doing that for?

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To see if it's good shit.

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That's going to take ages.

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I mean the drugs.

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-You haven't got a clue what you're doing, have you?

-Not really.

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-I saw them do it on Scarface.

-I'm glad you haven't been watching Brokeback Mountain.

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You try it, then, smartarse. Come on, this is your problem, not mine.

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It's my own fault.

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I knew I shouldn't have let him watch The Railway Children.

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I meant Trainspotting.

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Oh, hang on.

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Oh, yeah, that's odd.

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See, that is definitely not Bold 3-in-1.

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It might be biological. I'm allergic to that.

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Tim, it's not washing powder, it's drugs.

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Find this bloke and get it back to him

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-Now, what do you know about him?

-I don't know. There's no name tag.

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You don't say? What about mittens on string?

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Oh, yeah, laugh it up.

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-You weren't laughing when we went ice-skating and I didn't have frozen fingers.

-Oh, I was laughing.

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And not just me, the whole of the stag party.

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Hang on, he's got a business card.

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Larry "The Butcher" Stubbs.

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You're not the only one with a unusual middle name.

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Get back to that nightclub, now.

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OK. But will you come with me?

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The adoption agency never told me you were going to be this needy.

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You know this is wrong. This shouldn't be back on the streets.

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-I've seen what drugs can do to people.

-No, you haven't.

-I have, actually.

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It was a long time ago, back in the '80s. I was still at school.

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There was a boy, popular boy.

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He had lots of friends, enjoyed sport.

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Someone offered him some drugs at a party and he thought, "Well, what's the harm? Why not?"

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Within weeks he was a wreck, scrambling around on the floor, looking for bits of his fix.

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-Sorry, Tim. Can I just interrupt?

-Yes.

-Are you talking about Zammo from Grange Hill?

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It was a very convincing portrayal, actually.

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Well, here it is.

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-I see what you mean about rough.

-These are old-school gentlemen villains.

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If you want us to fit in, imagine you're Reggie and I'm Ronnie.

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Which one, Barker or Corbett?

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-Go on, then.

-Can you do it? Please?

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If you do, I'll never, ever forget it.

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You won't have a choice. You'll be reminded every time you look at my disfigured face.

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It hasn't affected our relationship so far.

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Excuse me.

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This is a bit awkward, but the thing is, my mate,

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the dippy looking geezer with the bad dress sense,

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apart from his coat, which is lovely, lovely coat...

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Anyway, the thing is, he accidentally took your coat by mistake.

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And we found your...

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..shit in his pocket.

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We didn't touch it.

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I never touch another man's shit.

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We rubbed some in our gums, just to check it was shit.

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If you're following any of this, just stare at me really menacingly.

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Great. So, why don't we swap back?

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Yeah? No harm done?

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Perfect.

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I'm warning you if you've touched any of Timothy's Fruit Polos,

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he'll hunt you down and slice you like a carrot.

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Thanks.

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Next time you want me to do a favour, keep it simple.

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Ask me to steal Osama Bin Laden's white turban and replace it with a giant meringue.

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This isn't my coat.

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If that's not yours, then that one's not his.

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Thanks for the free drugs, you Muppets.

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Bloody hell. Was there a sale on at House of Gangster?

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Where's the gear? And who the hell is Timothy Gladstone Adams?

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Well, I've finished with my Reggie act.

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-You'd better start doing your Ronnie impression, and quick.

-It's good night from me.

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-And it's good night from him.

-Come here!

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Come here!

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-Cup of tea?

-Agh!

-Coffee! I can do coffee!

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I was hoping I'd wake up and this would just be a bad dream.

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If was one of your dreams, we'd have been attacked by Patricia Hodge with a tache on.

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Why did I ever tell you about that?

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-We're in trouble, aren't we, Lee?

-Yes, "we" now being the operative word.

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-Can't believe that you gave the drugs to the wrong person.

-Don't blame me.

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You had the wrong clothes on. Good job it wasn't a drag club,

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otherwise I'd be sat here being entertained by Timothy Titflaps and her disturbingly unsightly bulge.

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Will you stop going on about my dreams?!

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I didn't tell you about that one, did I?

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As long as we're here, we're safe. He doesn't know my name or where I live.

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So, can we just get dressed, calm down and stop over-reacting?

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-What are you doing?

-Ringing Daisy to explain everything.

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Oh, no, we haven't got time to start explaining everything to Daisy.

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-Not enough time?

-In six billion years the sun's going to explode.

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It is vitally important that nobody knows you're here.

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BANGING ON DOOR

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Blimey, it's all kicking off in Narnia.

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Oh, Daisy. Thank God it's you.

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-Who were you expecting?

-Anne Frank.

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Well, the traffic's terrible. Maybe she's running a bit late.

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-I'm looking for Tim.

-I haven't seen him.

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Don't lie to me, Lee. I'm not stupid. You've seen him loads of times.

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He's six foot with blond hair.

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-I haven't seen him lately.

-There is something very strange going on here.

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-No, there isn't.

-So why's there a wardrobe jammed up against the door?

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Feng Shui.

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Oh, yes, I've read about that.

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Organising your furniture to keep out unhelpful, negative energy.

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-Does it work?

-No.

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Well, I'll get straight to the point.

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I know that you and Tim are taking drugs.

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-Why would you possibly think that?

-The way you've been behaving.

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Give me one example.

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All right, you're acting all nervous and twitchy.

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All right, two examples.

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All right, two, you're hiding behind your wardrobe.

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Three examples.

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All right, three, I came round yesterday and saw you both taking drugs.

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Most people would have had that as number one.

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We weren't taking drugs.

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You know what they say about denial, Lee.

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It isn't just a river in France.

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-I saw you rubbing powder into your gums.

-That was to test to see if it was washing powder.

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I wasn't born yesterday, Lee.

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To test if something was washing powder, you do something else.

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-Like what?

-I don't know, like putting it in your eyes to see if it made you cry bubbles.

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-Tell me the truth, or I'm going to the police.

-Why?

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Because Tim didn't come home last night and his phone's switched off.

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And he only does that during Midsomer Murders.

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Promise me you won't go to the police.

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Only if you tell me the truth.

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Look, Tim stayed here last night and he's fine.

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-We weren't taking drugs the other day, we were just...

-Experimenting?

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-Yeah.

-Well, I had a friend who "experimented" by smoking marijuana.

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Thought it was harmless, but they were on a slippery slope and they learned a hard lesson.

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-What?

-Don't get wasted at the top of a slippery slope.

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Broke both his ankles. And lost his snowboard.

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All right, I'm going to go. But I want you to both look at this.

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It's a leaflet for the drugs helpline.

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Oh, excuse the holes. It's the nail gun.

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It keeps going off unexpectedly.

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And, Lee, do me a favour.

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Next time I ask you a straight question, don't treat me like an idiot.

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Is it safe?

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What were you going to do with that? Stick it up his backside and sing Ladleweiss?

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It wasn't him. We were lucky. Buy some more cocaine and give it back to your butcher friend, and quick.

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-What are you talking about, cocaine? It was heroin.

-Was it?

-Wasn't it?

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I don't know.

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-There's a bit left. Try some.

-What?

-Go on.

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If you start talking quickly, we'll know it's cocaine.

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If I lose four stone, steal DVD players and become a male prostitute, we know it's heroin.

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We need to find an expert to identify it and find out what it's worth.

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Brilliant.

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Let's ring Fiona Bruce and see if she's still presenting the Narcotics Roadshow.

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Yeah, or Dickinson's Real Deal.

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Crack In The Attic.

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This is excellent use of our time. Let's think of some more drug puns about TV programmes, shall we?

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That'll solve everything.

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-I know.

-Top Gear.

-Shut it!

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We'll phone this lot.

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-Thanks for coming round so quickly.

-That's OK. That's why we're here.

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To chat, honestly and frankly.

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I agree. It's very important to be honest in these situations.

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So, what exactly did you find in your son's bedroom?

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I found this under his mattress. You can imagine how shocked I was.

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I was only looking for pornography.

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-And why was that?

-The internet's down.

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-You're right, it's not a time for jokes.

-So, what exactly do you know about drugs?

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Nothing. When I was his age, we couldn't even afford them.

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To get high, I went to the glue factory.

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-Did that work?

-Yeah, there was a bloke there selling cheap cannabis.

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I say cheap, not that I know what cannabis costs because I don't take drugs. And neither does he.

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-Oh. And this is?

-Tim. I'm a friend of the fa...

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Unless you said we were a gay couple?

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-Why would I say that?

-I'm a friend of the family.

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Well, what you've found is definitely a banned substance. It's cocaine.

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Where could he possibly be getting this stuff from?

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Well, it's all too easy to obtain drugs.

0:16:350:16:38

-Good. God, is it?

-He's probably getting it off the street.

-More specific, street names?

0:16:380:16:42

Postcode's better for sat nav.

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I know there's a group of dealers operating on Seeton Road at the moment.

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Great, Seaton Road.

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With two Es.

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That can't be earning them much money.

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Next question, how much would he be paying for this stuff?

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For an amount like that, probably £60.

0:17:050:17:09

How about for an amount, say, like that?

0:17:090:17:13

That's a serious quantity.

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About £8,000. CROCKERY BREAKS

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Don't we get a discount for bulk?

0:17:200:17:23

Do YOU get a discount?

0:17:230:17:25

He means my son.

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This son of yours...

0:17:270:17:29

-Yes?

-What is his name?

0:17:290:17:31

George.

0:17:320:17:33

-George?

-Yeah.

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Same as the make of my T-shirt?

0:17:390:17:42

Yeah.

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-May I have a word with him?

-He's out.

-Where?

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At ASDA.

0:17:480:17:50

I notice you don't have any photos of your son, George at ASDA?

0:17:540:18:00

No, You see, he doesn't photograph very well. He's, um...

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-He's, um...

-A vampire.

0:18:060:18:08

What?

0:18:100:18:12

Hang on, that's reflections, isn't it?

0:18:120:18:15

He's a Red Indian, that's it.

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He believes the camera steals his soul, so he can never be photographed.

0:18:170:18:21

I'm not exactly sure what's going on here, but I think we'll leave it there for now.

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I'm going to go and speak to some of my colleagues.

0:18:260:18:29

I'll be in touch.

0:18:290:18:32

George at ASDA!

0:18:340:18:36

Well, it's better than Big Chief Nosferatu, the Native American smack-head vampire.

0:18:360:18:42

-What if she goes to the police?

-Stop panicking. You've got the information you want.

0:18:420:18:47

It's cocaine, you get it from Seeton Road, it costs about £8,000. Just get it done, and quick.

0:18:470:18:53

It's bad enough having to empty my savings account,

0:19:010:19:03

but can you at least stop holding it like you're advertising a Sun bingo promotion?

0:19:030:19:08

Just act cool.

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It's about bravado and confidence.

0:19:100:19:11

These are our streets. We know every alleyway like the back of our hands.

0:19:110:19:15

SAT NAV: 'Right on the roundabout.'

0:19:150:19:17

Maybe lose the sat nav?

0:19:170:19:20

And the National Trust membership sticker.

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And the Rolf Harris CD.

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And the tartan travel rug.

0:19:240:19:26

-All right, pimp my ride, why don't you?

-You watch Pimp My Ride?

0:19:260:19:30

I record it and watch it backwards.

0:19:300:19:32

I love seeing those vulgar cars restored to their original condition.

0:19:320:19:36

This is great, I don't even have to get out of the car.

0:19:470:19:51

Big Mac, chicken nuggets and fries, please.

0:19:520:19:55

I was trying to lighten the mood.

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We normally get our drugs from Boots.

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I don't sell drugs.

0:20:010:20:03

I beg your pardon?

0:20:030:20:04

That would be illegal, officer.

0:20:040:20:07

You think if we were coppers, I'd let him open his mouth?

0:20:070:20:10

You don't look like the type of geezers who buy drugs.

0:20:100:20:14

I took drugs before you were born, like your mum, by the look of it.

0:20:140:20:18

I've done 'em all, me, mate.

0:20:190:20:21

Es, Gs, Bs, knees.

0:20:210:20:24

Snap, crackle, poppers.

0:20:240:20:27

Hobnobs, crystal tips, acid drops.

0:20:270:20:30

Reefers, roofers, joiners.

0:20:300:20:34

Speed, Speed 2, charlie, brown.

0:20:340:20:38

Snoopy, droopy,

0:20:390:20:41

Fred Bassett. Uppers, downers, frowners.

0:20:410:20:45

-Frosties.

-Frosties?

0:20:450:20:48

Yeah. Good shit, is frosties.

0:20:480:20:50

50% crack, 50%...

0:20:500:20:53

..tiger's foot.

0:20:530:20:55

-They're grrr...

-Shut up. Don't tell me you've never heard of frosties?

0:20:550:21:00

-Call yourself a dealer?

-Yeah.

0:21:000:21:03

-Course I've heard of them. Is that what you're after?

-Not today, thanks.

0:21:030:21:07

Approximately half a kilo of powdered cocaine, if it's not too much trouble, young man.

0:21:070:21:11

Wait here.

0:21:120:21:14

-What?

-It's like watching an episode of The Wire starring Derek Nimmo.

0:21:170:21:21

Lee, I think we're being followed.

0:21:300:21:33

Don't be stupid.

0:21:350:21:37

-I think it's an unmarked police car.

-How do you know?

0:21:370:21:40

It doesn't say "police'" on it anywhere.

0:21:400:21:43

It could be The Butcher. Maybe it's a gangster car with weapons and hookers and a Jacuzzi in the back.

0:21:430:21:49

-What car is it?

-Powder-blue 1.4 Nissan Micra.

0:21:490:21:52

What? You think I watch too many gangster films?

0:21:530:21:57

No, I don't think you watch enough.

0:21:570:21:59

I'm serious, Lee. There is someone following us.

0:22:000:22:03

-Maybe I should pull over.

-What? Put your foot down!

0:22:030:22:06

OK, I INSIST we pull over!

0:22:060:22:08

Just step on it, now.

0:22:080:22:10

OK. Let's do this.

0:22:100:22:12

Sit back, tighten your seat belt and let's crank that stereo good and loud.

0:22:120:22:16

# Two little boys had two little toys...

0:22:160:22:19

# When we were two little boys. #

0:22:240:22:29

I think we've lost them.

0:22:290:22:32

You all right?

0:22:320:22:34

I'm fine. It's just that bit where he goes back for him on the horse.

0:22:340:22:40

-It always gets me.

-Well, this is the address.

0:22:400:22:46

"Larry Stubbs, Butcher & Poulterer."

0:22:460:22:50

-Well, there's a glimmer of hope. Maybe he'll just poulter us.

-Come on.

0:22:500:22:56

Larry "The Butcher" Stubbs?

0:23:020:23:04

Well, well, well.

0:23:050:23:08

You must be Timothy Gladstone Adams.

0:23:080:23:11

You've got balls showing up here.

0:23:110:23:13

Unless, of course, you've brought along some dope.

0:23:130:23:16

Hello!

0:23:160:23:18

I think we've got something of yours.

0:23:230:23:25

It's a nice place you've got here.

0:23:300:23:32

Yeah. If I was a cow, this is where I'd want to be butchered.

0:23:320:23:37

Honestly, it was a complete accident.

0:23:390:23:41

-I took your coat home, thinking it was mine.

-Shh.

0:23:410:23:44

Be a good little boy.

0:23:440:23:45

You don't want Daddy to have to give you a slap, do you?

0:23:450:23:49

You're not going to tell my dad, are you?

0:23:490:23:52

What the hell is this?

0:23:550:23:57

It's your drugs.

0:23:570:23:58

This is washing powder.

0:23:580:24:00

Come on. You can't tell that just by looking at it.

0:24:000:24:05

OK, that does look a little bit like washing powder.

0:24:100:24:13

Yeah, I use that stuff.

0:24:130:24:15

It's pretty good...shit.

0:24:150:24:18

Look, you've even written me a little note.

0:24:190:24:22

-Have we?

-"Wash your mouth out, tosser.

0:24:220:24:26

"No-one slags off my mum."

0:24:260:24:29

I don't remember slagging off your mum.

0:24:300:24:33

-You didn't.

-Have you any idea what I'm going to do to you?

0:24:330:24:38

You sons of bitches.

0:24:380:24:40

-Strictly speaking, you're now slagging off both our...

-Not now, Tim.

0:24:400:24:44

You think you're hard, do you? Just remember, there's two of us and only one of you.

0:24:460:24:51

If you want to rumble, bring on the thunder, little man, see how far it gets you.

0:24:510:24:56

Why does that kind of thing work when Steven Seagal says it?

0:25:030:25:07

Come on, mate. Let us go, please.

0:25:070:25:10

Sorry, boys.

0:25:100:25:12

I've got a reputation to think of.

0:25:120:25:15

This is my manor, see?

0:25:150:25:17

I don't know where your manors are.

0:25:170:25:19

He did say "please".

0:25:190:25:22

He means manor, as in To The Manor Born, you pillock!

0:25:220:25:26

That's right. And I've BLEEP Penelope Keith!

0:25:260:25:30

Does Peter Bowles know about this?

0:25:300:25:32

-CAR DOOR SLAMS

-Did you hear that? See, I said we were being followed.

0:25:320:25:36

-It must be the police.

-Oh, thank God!

-What are you talking about?

0:25:360:25:40

I'll tell you, sunshine.

0:25:400:25:42

We're talking about Old Bill walking through that door and serving you up cold porridge.

0:25:420:25:46

Hello!

0:25:460:25:48

Oh, yeah. Powder-blue Nissan Micra. I could kick myself.

0:25:500:25:53

Hi. I'm Daisy.

0:25:530:25:56

Bit rude.

0:25:570:25:59

I followed you, Tim. I wanted to know if your involvement with drugs

0:25:590:26:03

-was getting out of hand.

-SHARPENS KNIFE

0:26:030:26:05

Well, Tim? Is it getting out of hand?

0:26:050:26:08

-You come here on your own, sweetheart?

-Yes.

0:26:110:26:14

-I bet you phoned the police.

-But when I came round, you made me promise...

0:26:140:26:19

Never mind that, Daisy. If you tell us that you did phone the police,

0:26:190:26:23

and that they're on their way, this man will have to let us all go home. You understand?

0:26:230:26:29

-Yes.

-That is what will happen if you tell us you phoned the police.

0:26:290:26:34

Right.

0:26:340:26:36

Now, did you phone the police?

0:26:360:26:39

No.

0:26:400:26:42

-Looks like I'm going to need another meat hook.

-Freeze!

0:26:430:26:46

I think you should untie them, don't you?

0:26:490:26:52

I'll tell you what I think - a nice girl like you doesn't know how to work one of those.

0:26:520:26:57

That is very true. I was returning it. It keeps going off accidentally!

0:26:570:27:01

Oh, my God.

0:27:040:27:05

I am so sorry!

0:27:050:27:07

Sorry, which ones did I do?

0:27:100:27:13

Never mind him, Daisy. Just untie us!

0:27:130:27:16

Oh, yes.

0:27:160:27:17

Whoops!

0:27:270:27:28

I can't believe the police let you off.

0:27:370:27:40

They didn't have any choice.

0:27:400:27:41

It's not against the law to spend £8,000 on a box of washing powder.

0:27:410:27:46

Ask anyone that shops at Waitrose.

0:27:470:27:49

And what about Daisy?

0:27:520:27:54

She got off with a caution.

0:27:540:27:56

At first they thought she was the brains behind the whole operation, but...

0:27:560:28:00

..luckily, she opened her mouth.

0:28:010:28:03

If you'd gone to the police at the start, this would have been avoided.

0:28:030:28:08

It's easy to be wise after the event.

0:28:080:28:10

I told you two days ago, and Daisy said it again yesterday.

0:28:100:28:14

It's easy to be wise before, during and after the event.

0:28:140:28:19

Anyway, of course they let us off.

0:28:190:28:22

The police knew we never meant to steal those drugs.

0:28:220:28:25

I'm many things, Lucy.

0:28:250:28:27

But if there's one thing I'm not, it's a thief. Cup of tea?

0:28:270:28:30

# We're not going out

0:28:370:28:39

# Not staying in

0:28:390:28:40

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

0:28:400:28:43

# But there is no need to scream and shout

0:28:430:28:46

# We're not going out

0:28:460:28:49

# We are not going out. #

0:28:490:28:52

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:520:28:54