Romance Not Going Out

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around With my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #

Yeah, OK, understood. Thanks, Geoffrey.

'Hang on.'

Are you talking to me whilst you're in the bathroom?

-Yeah.

-'Good God.

'What are you wearing?'

This conversation's taken a bit of a turn.

'Lee, are you speaking to me naked?'

I don't know. I can't see you.

Who's that?

It's your dad.

Sorry, I've got to go, Geoffrey,

Lucy wants to use the bathroom to kill a pig.

Bye-bye.

-Did you want to speak to him?

-Not in the bathroom, no.

Why did you bring him in here?

You know he's not actually inside the magic speaking box, don't you?

It's not that odd, using the phone in the bathroom.

Well, not for a man who goes to the toilet when he's in a phone box.

Next time my dad calls, can you take it in the living room?

Have a bit of dignity.

You have got to be kidding me.

What's the problem?

I'm still here?

And?

Just think there should be a bit of mystery surrounding this thing.

What do you want me to do,

reach round and whip out a bunch of flowers?

Why are you suddenly so bothered?

-I sometimes go to the toilet when you're in the shower.

-Do you?

Don't look so shocked. You go to the toilet while you're in the shower!

-If it's bothering you so much, leave.

-I'm cleaning my teeth.

-Well, use the kitchen sink.

-You use the kitchen sink!

OK!

Er, excuse me?

Could you close the door, please?

Unbelievable!

-There's your orange juice.

-Has it got bits in?

-No.

I want bits in.

There. Now it's got bits in.

I'm off to work.

Those rockets aren't going to fire themselves, are they, Molly?

You don't have to keep pretending you're an astronaut, Daddy.

We love you, whatever you do.

I sell cars.

That's rubbish!

-Right, I'm going.

-OK, see you later.

Is that it?

-What?

-Well, aren't you going to miss me?

I don't know. Are you going to leave?

You could say goodbye to me properly.

Wow. But not in front of the kids. We'll traumatise them.

What's your problem this morning?

I'll tell you my problem.

Where's the intimacy gone in our relationship?

I just did a great big wee in front of you. That's fairly intimate.

It's not very romantic, is it?

Well, I'm sorry that I don't go to the toilet romantically enough.

Maybe next time I'll sit there playing the harp.

After all, you sometimes sound like you're in there with a tuba.

Look, it's not just the toilet thing. It's romance in general.

Do you know that since we've had the kids,

-we haven't had a single night away, just the two of us?

-So?

-That's your choice, just as much as mine.

-No, it's not.

Do you remember what I asked for on my last birthday?

Oh, not this again.

The Orient Express is very expensive!

We did the next best thing.

The next best thing to the Orient Express is not Pizza Express!

And you know it's not just about the money.

OK, so I don't like leaving the kids with other people.

I want to be near them in case they need me.

Mummy, there's a burnt bit on my toast.

Well, phone social services!

All right, what about tonight? Me and you

go out for something to eat. I'll find us a nice restaurant.

Sounds nice.

But...?

Well, if we go out, we only have to come back.

And we're already here.

All that dressing up, choosing a restaurant...

Yeah, it's not easy, is it? Putting clothes on and eating.

Maybe we should just stay at home in our pants

and suck on a damp flannel.

OK, we'll stay at home, but we're doing it properly.

I'll cook us dinner.

We don't watch television, and we don't eat until the kids are in bed.

OK, if you insist.

If I insist?

I'm not asking you to dress as a lollipop lady

and spank me with the sign!

-It's supposed to be romantic.

-OK.

-So I'm saying yes, fine, OK?

-Great.

-Well, I'll look forward to it, then.

-Well then, so will I.

-Fine.

Are you two getting divorced?

Just eat your orange juice.

Coming, ready or not!

Are they hiding in the cupboard under the stairs?

No, they're not in the cupboard under the stairs.

Are they hiding under the kitchen table?

No, they're not hiding under the kitchen table.

Where can they be?

Maybe I should look behind the curtains.

No, they're not behind the curtains.

We are behind the curtains!

I meant under the carpet.

Come on.

Charlie's been sick at Beavers.

Don't worry, son, I once sneezed at an otter.

Oh, why's it so gloomy in here?

I was going for an ambience.

Is the ambulance for me?

Not an ambulance, an ambience.

It means when you're trying to create...an ambience.

Oh!

Oh, so that's where they are. I had no idea!

We did tell you.

Oh, that was your voice, was it? I'll cancel the priest.

Let's get them to bed.

-I can't help tonight, can I? I'm cooking, remember?

-Yeah...

-OK, I'll sort the kids out.

-What are you doing?

-Just grabbing a banana. I'm starving.

-Well, don't grab a banana.

-It will spoil your dinner.

-Why, is that what we're having?

Molly, you know when you do that

and it's not your birthday, a fairy dies?

MOLLY WAILS

Come on, kids. Daddy's busy.

I'm just trying to create an atmosphere.

Well, I'm hungry and the kids are upset, so well done.

Mission accomplished.

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

Oh. You've changed.

No big deal. Same pants.

They must be due their annual service soon.

-Oh, looks lovely.

-Thanks.

It's a Jamie Oliver thing.

I was going to do Heston,

but I didn't have a hydrovacuated testicular spatula.

It's a Moroccan lamb dish.

Made with loads of different spices and cooked in a sauce made from...

Made from chicken beaks and cats' faces.

Oh, sounds lovely.

Are you texting?

No.

Yes, you are. You're on the phone.

I know, but I'm not texting. I was on Tinder!

I'm just looking up Charlie's symptoms.

Well, whilst you're on the NHS website,

you might want to look up the medical effects of having

a lamb tagine force-fed down your oesophagus.

Charlie will be fine.

Come on, it's supposed to be a romantic meal.

-Took me ages to do this cooking.

-Thanks.

And I do appreciate you going to the same effort I go to every night.

In fact, if this is the effect it has,

I should go to the toilet in front of you more often!

It wasn't just the toilet thing.

I just worry sometimes that we're not concentrating on each other

as much as we should be.

Is this you asking me for more sex?

No.

-Well, were you about to suggest...?

-No.

-It's not about sex.

It's about me and you not forgetting to be romantic with each other,

like we are being now.

Look, Lee, I really appreciate everything you've done tonight.

And it's sweet that you're so concerned about us, but,

honestly, we're doing fine!

I love you.

Along with the kids, you're the most important thing in my life,

and I don't take that for granted, ever.

And I certainly don't think I've lost the romance.

Are you sure?

I'm sure.

OK.

Happy anniversary.

Well, aren't you going to open it?

It's not today, is it?

Oh, I think it is.

Well, you're obviously overwhelmed. I'll open it for you.

Are you sure it isn't tomorrow?

Oh, no, tomorrow is a different special day altogether.

It's the one-day anniversary of the that day you forgot our anniversary.

Look, it's that special vintage hourglass

we saw in that antiques shop.

Well, I haven't really forgotten our anniversary.

Oh, so?

I'll give you three minutes to think of something.

Well, maybe there's a present waiting for you to unwrap

when we get upstairs.

-Oh? An actual present?

-Could be.

Or do you mean me taking your clothes off, because unless you've

got some Debenhams vouchers tucked under there, that doesn't count!

Is this why you've been acting odd all day?

Going on about the lack of romance?

Oh, Lucy, forget about it. It doesn't matter.

This is just a silly little something to say that the

sands of time are like my love for you.

Always flowing.

And if at times our love has the appearance of ebbing away,

you just have to put a little bit of effort in and very soon

you can turn things round and see the love flowing once again.

I hate you!

-How's Charlie?

-He's completely fine this morning.

Oh, good. Looks like I'm the only ill one in the house.

Why, what's up with you?

Well, I'm obviously lovesick, aren't I?

Oh.

Look, Lee, I'm really sorry, OK?

Oh, it's fine. Don't worry about it. Forgive and forget.

I'll do the forgiving, you do the...

-It's a joke.

-It's just, I've got so much on with the kids at the moment.

-There's so many things I need to remember.

-Exactly.

And you do a great job.

You remembered your cousin's birthday last week.

You remembered Halloween and you remembered St George's Day,

and you remembered Pancake Day

and you remembered Charlie's teacher's birthday

and you remembered your mum and dad's anniversary.

And you even remembered the date

that Starbucks brought back the pumpkin spiced latte.

You remember all the important dates.

Everything except our wedding anniversary, yeah?

Yeah, but only because I've got a very clever method for remembering it.

Every year, it falls on exactly the same day that we got married.

The most important day of my life.

So you are annoyed.

It's not your fault, it's mine.

For being an overly sensitive, achingly romantic,

soppy old softie pants with a heart full of love to give.

I'm going to be late.

Bye.

I mean...

Bye, darling, have a great day!

Oh, careful. It's not our anniversary today.

That was yesterday.

Hello?

-CHILDREN:

-Surprise!

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you... #

-It's not my birthday.

-It's the only thing they can do.

# Happy birthday to you! #

Oh, no, you ruined my ambience.

Wow, this is fantastic!

And we got you one or two little gifts.

Oh, look, you got me all my favourite things.

Chocolates, biscuits, selection of French cheeses,...

There isn't any cheese.

Oh, my mistake, it's just because I love cheese,

-so I presumed that you'd just...

-I'll get you some cheese tomorrow!

-Oh! Now I'm the one feeling bad.

-Why?

Well, if I hadn't been a silly old romantic

and remembered our anniversary,

you wouldn't be doing all of this because you're wracked with guilt.

I see.

Kids, go and play upstairs.

Uh-oh!

-How long, then?

-What?

How long are you going to put me on the naughty step for this?

Four-year-olds get four minutes, six-year-olds get six minutes,

what do I get?

Nobody deserves that amount of punishment.

It really doesn't make any difference what I do

or what I get for you now, does it?

I'd still quite like the cheese.

No chance. What's the point?

I'll always be the one who forgot,

-and we'll remember that every year, won't we?

-Well, I will.

The terrible old wife who forgot our seventh wedding anniversary.

Eighth.

You know what, Lee?

So what if I forgot our poxy anniversary?

I think this year was copper. 14th is poxy.

-What is one little mistake against hundreds?

-Like what?

Like last year's anniversary and that wonderful,

romantic set of pans?

I thought that was a very romantic gesture, actually.

And all because the lady loves Tefal.

They weren't just a set of pans,

they were nonstick heat-resistant thermostat pans.

Oh, I didn't realise.

I thought they were your ordinary, run-of-the-mill misogynistic ones.

Handed to me with those loving words,

"What are you going to cook in these, then?"

If I remember rightly, there were other romantic gestures

I made that day that were thrown back in my face.

Lee, climbing into bed drunk

and climbing on top of me while I'm asleep,

shouting, "Wake up, Lucy, it's that time of year again!"

does not constitute romance!

Well, neither do the words, "Get off me,"

"You stink of Bailey's" and,

"Have you still got the receipt for those pans?"

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Hello.

-We just popped round to wish you a happy wedding anniversary.

I know it was yesterday

but we didn't want to disturb you on your special day.

Oh, how nice of you to remember.

-Actually, we're not staying.

-Just on my way out, anyway.

Well, I suppose we do have time for a quick cup of tea.

The romance has gone in our relationship.

Oh, don't be like that. I've just bought you a muffin.

Anyway, it's not all bad. Congratulations on your anniversary.

Have you not been listening? She forgot about it.

And that is why I'm congratulating you.

I could live off a moral victory like that for months.

-It's not a victory, though, is it?

-Course it is.

You remembered, she forgot. 1-0 to you.

Why do you constantly see marriage as

a war of attrition between two completely opposing sides?

I don't. I see mine as a simple war between good and evil.

I just thought, as the kids get older,

you'd get more time to spend together.

Yep, that's another problem.

Seriously, though, you've been married longer than me.

Is it normal for this to happen?

Of course it's normal. Relax.

At the moment, it might feel like the romance is fading a bit but,

a few years down the line,

you'll realise that it wasn't fading at all.

It was stone-cold dead.

Did I detect an atmosphere between you and Lee as we came in?

I don't really want to talk about it.

I thought your marriage might be in trouble,

but I didn't want to get my hopes up.

So, what's up?

Well, Lee's got it into his head that there's not enough

romance between us.

Romance? Pfft, what does that mean?

-I'll fetch you a dictionary, Geoffrey.

-I know what it means.

And you've got a gift subscription to Good Housekeeping Magazine

to prove it.

Look, I'm sure it's nothing serious. It was your anniversary yesterday.

-You celebrated that, didn't you?

-Course we did.

-We had a lovely dinner at home.

-Oh, yes.

And I bet I can guess who was the one slaving over the oven all day.

Well, just a bit of simple cooking.

It's not that difficult, is it?

Course it is. It takes time and effort.

It shows a person is considerate, thoughtful and loving.

Oh, hush now!

Your dad's right. These things really matter.

If want my advice on how to put some spice back into your marriage...

Oh, please don't, Mum.

I don't really want to think of your marriage as having spice in it.

It's a lot easier for me to think of it as a plain omelette.

Spend more time together.

That's easy for you to say. You're not married to Lee.

We do spend time together. Every day.

-We're raising three kids.

-Exactly.

That's why you should have the occasional night away

from the children.

-That's what Lee said, actually.

-He's right.

Remember when you were five, that caravan holiday in Dorset?

-I think I do remember it.

-I don't.

You went with your grandparents. Geoffrey and I were in Paris.

You remember that, don't you, Geoffrey?

I certainly do.

Most pleasant.

You know we'd be delighted to stay over and look after the children.

You can even do your speciality dish for them, can't you, Geoffrey?

Of course. My toad-in-the-hole was the talk of the regiment.

I love these pans, by the way.

Oh, surprise!

Bit of a heartless way to say you're leaving me.

-Do you remember asking for a particular present?

-You haven't.

I have!

Are those suitcases full of French cheese?!

Better than that.

Orient Express tickets?

Well, not quite, we're not made of money,

but it's still a fancy train and we get to sleep on it.

You're taking me?

No, Lee, I'm taking my secret lesbian lover.

I won't need a ticket, then. I'll be hiding in the wardrobe.

-I thought you were getting a bit fed up with me lately.

-I am.

-That's why we're going.

-I should have had an affair.

-We could've gone to Disneyland!

-Well, come on, then, get changed.

What, we're going tonight? What about the kids?

-Mum and Dad said they'd look after them.

-The poor sods.

No, they were happy to babysit, actually.

I meant the kids.

At least getting them to sleep will be easy.

Half an hour with your dad and they'll take themselves off to bed!

Well, those surprises keep coming, don't they?

It's the first train I've been on where there is

no chewing gum stuck under the seat.

Never mind. You'll just have to buy your own, like everyone else.

-This is really posh.

-I know! Look.

Even the salt pot's got the name of the train written on it.

Quick, pass me my handbag.

You're not nicking a salt pot.

Well, guess who's not going to be allowed to lick his plate, then.

You're not my real dad.

Thanks, Lucy. This is so...

Romantic?

-Exactly.

-Well, trains are romantic places, aren't they?

Think of all those films. Doctor Zhivago, Brief Encounter...

The Taking Of Pelham 123.

-I'm not sure that's romantic.

-It was for me.

I watched it with my first girlfriend, Michaela Bradbury.

We were on our sofa, and halfway through the film,

she turned to me and asked if I'd ever properly felt a woman before.

And I hadn't. So I leaned over and...

-I've misjudged this anecdote, haven't I?

-Never mind.

Tell me what happened next,

and I can tell you all about what I got up to with Andrew Kingsley.

-Is he an old school boyfriend?

-No, he's our postman.

I hope this makes up for forgetting our anniversary.

What anniversary?

Good answer.

And I hope you're not missing the kids too much.

-What kids?

-Good answer.

I'm enjoying being with just you. It's nice.

Just having quality time with a husband I love and cherish...

-Do you want to phone them?

-Yes, please!

Hey, why don't I order us a bottle of champagne

to take back to the cabin?

Oh, you won't hear me complaining.

But we might hear you...moaning.

Why? Is it really expensive?

Oh!

-'Lucy!'

-Hi, Dad, just me.

Tell me where you are and I'll come and collect you.

No need for that.

It's all going very well, actually. How are the children?

'All tucked up in bed,'

fast asleep.

Thanks, Dad. Looks like it all turned out all right in the end.

Even if some idiot did forget our anniversary.

You shouldn't be too hard on him about that.

No, it was me. I'm the one who forgot.

You as well?

'Quite the pair, aren't you?'

What do you mean?

Well, I rang him up, the morning of your anniversary, to remind him.

'Yeah, he was in the bathroom at the time and he hadn't got a clue.'

What?!

So, you see, you're both idiots.

OK, then, Dad, thanks. See you later. Bye.

I ordered the champagne.

Oh, damn, I meant to ask Dad something. Oh, never mind.

I'll ask you instead.

Why did Dad ring the other morning?

What?

You remember. You were speaking to Dad on the phone in the bathroom.

On the morning of our anniversary.

I can't remember now.

Come on. You're always the one who remembers everything.

Remember?

Oh, yes, that's it. He had trouble with his crossword.

Yeah, racehorse, won the Grand National, 1981.

Devious little bastard.

I said Aldaniti.

You forgot our anniversary, too.

-No, I didn't.

-Yes, you did.

I cooked you a meal and bought you a present.

Yeah, 12 hours later, but there were no presents in the morning

because you hadn't got me anything in the morning.

You'd forgotten all about it until my dad reminded you.

Oh, what does it matter how I remembered?

I could have put it in the diary or put a little alert on my phone.

I just happened to go with the system of having your dad ring me

completely out of the blue.

I'm still the romantic one in this relationship.

OK...what colour eyes have I got?

Oh, don't be so stupid.

What colour are they?

Come on.

What, both of them?

You don't know, do you?

-Can I phone your dad?

-What colour are they?

-They are...

-Yes?

I've always seen them as the colour of the spring skies

in that moment just after dawn.

They're green, Lee! I've got green eyes.

They're going red at the moment. All right, what colour are my eyes?

All right, I messed that up.

-You tricked me into taking you away.

-Tricked you?

This is supposed to be a romantic trip.

A guilt trip is what it is.

Only because you are guilty, because you forgot our anniversary.

-She forgot our anniversary.

-So did he!

OK, so maybe I was a little bit dishonest.

-But I did it for a good reason.

-What good reason?

So that me and you could spend some romantic quality time together

which, if you hadn't noticed, is exactly what we're doing now!

Oh, yeah, because you're a great big romantic, you are, aren't you?

And by the way, Barry White, I forgot to say thank you for

the anniversary present of an egg timer.

That was a vintage hourglass.

It was a second-hand egg timer

for timing the eggs I'm meant to boil in your crappy pans.

They are good, solid pans.

Tefal!

That's another thing. It's all very well,

you getting all squeamish about me peeing in front of you.

She does that, as well.

But that's as nothing compared to the nonstop belching and

farting you've been doing since the day we met.

You can stop listening now.

Well, where the hell does it all come from?

I'm surprised people haven't started fracking you!

OK, so I'm a bit gassy. Shoot me!

Shoot you?

You'll take out half the carriage!

Your problem is not that we lost the romance.

Your problem is that I started stooping to your level.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Yes?

Hello, madam. My name's Jenkins.

-Your husband asked me to deliver these.

-Did he?

Yes, by means of an apology.

Apparently he's been acting like the perfect buffoon.

Is that right?

What did he do?

He lied about remembering your anniversary.

Anything else?

You know.

Yeah, I know. Does he?

Is it the pans?

It's not the pans.

Is it for making his lovely wife feel guilty

and manipulating the situation?

Even though he, of all people, knows how easy it is to forget?

Especially if you're busy being a full-time mum

to three beautiful children?

And the pans.

Would you like us to eject him from the train, madam?

No. Wait until it's going a bit faster.

Well, can I at least come in

before the steward realises that I've nicked this?

Hell of a meal, wasn't it?

We may have lost the romance a bit,

but you can't say we've lost the passion.

Yeah, it was pretty passionate.

Sorry, Lucy. Really.

Happy anniversary.

You know who I blame? Your dad.

If he hadn't remembered, none of this would have happened.

So...

-what now?

-Well...

..that depends, Jenkins.

Did my husband ask you to do anything else while you were here?

Actually, there was some other business he asked

me to attend to, madam.

-Other business, Jenkins?

-Yes, madam.

Of a romantic nature.

Well, I hope you're going to be thorough, Jenkins.

Well, I... Can I just check -

-we're talking about sex, right?

-Yes.

-Right.

Let's just say I undertake my duties extremely rrrigorously.

Well, can you just give me a moment

to slip into something more comfortable?

Of course, madam.

Drinks are ready when you are, madam.

Very good, Jenkins.

I'll be with you in a minute.

Oh, for god's sake. At least lift the seat!

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #