Babysitting Not Going Out


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Babysitting

Sitcom featuring married couple Lee and Lucy, their family and friends. Lucy causes offence by choosing the wrong babysitter.


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# We're not going out

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# Not staying in

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# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

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# But there is no need to scream and shout

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# We're not going out

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# We are not going out. #

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This programme contains adult humour.

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Oh, are you and Toby still OK for our tapas night next week?

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Yes, looking forward to it.

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Oh, and talking of nights out,

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last week, Toby and I paid a small fortune

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for tickets to the ballet, and sod's law,

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the morning after we saw it, one of Toby's rich patients

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gave him tickets to the exact same ballet as a gift.

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You know what it's like when these things happen.

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Yeah.

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Like that time I bought the box set of Touch Of Frost

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and then they go and repeat it all on ITV2.

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Right.

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Well...it's tomorrow night.

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The tickets are yours, if you'd like them.

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Oh, wow! Thanks, Anna. That's amazing.

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You don't think it will be a bit of a culture shock for Lee?

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Any culture comes as a shock to Lee.

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As much I'd like to see the look on Lee's face,

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I really do have to dash. See you soon.

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OK, bye. Thanks, Anna.

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-What look on my face?

-We've got two tickets for the ballet.

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That look there.

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The only problem is, who are we going to get to baby-sit?

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Why can't you ask your mum?

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Because it's tomorrow night and that's her bridge night.

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Oh, finally decided to chuck herself off one, has she?

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I knew your dad would grind her down in the end.

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And we can't ask Dad either,

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because he's got some big, important dinner at the golf club.

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-Well, ask a friend.

-I can't ask a friend.

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Some of them don't know the kids or what they're like.

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So? They're more likely to agree.

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If we can't find a family member to do it, maybe we can't go.

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All right, I'll ask me dad.

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Your dad?

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-Yeah. He's a family member.

-Are you serious?

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Yes, I've got a DNA test from the Child Support Agency to prove it.

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Actually, do you know what, Lee? You're right.

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I'm being silly, aren't I? I'll just ask Anna to baby-sit.

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-Sorry?

-Well, she knows the kids. She'll be great.

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Oh. I'm assuming you've already asked the Child Catcher

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from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

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I thought you said it had to be a family member.

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-And you said that was ridiculous.

-No, I said I'll ask me dad.

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Yeah, well, that's the same thing, isn't it?

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Look, I know I'm always banging on about what a waster he is,

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but maybe it's time the kids spent some time with Grandad Frank,

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get to know him, see what he's like as a person.

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Maybe.

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That way, when I'm slagging him off, they'll know what I'm talking about.

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What do you reckon?

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OK. But I can't say he'd be my first choice of baby-sitter.

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Yeah. Well, he wouldn't be my first choice of father, but he is.

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Come on, what's the worst that can happen?

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Try not to think too much about that.

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Dad'll be here in a minute.

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What are you doing?

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Nothing. Just having a bit of a tidy.

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Oh, I see.

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You're hiding the booze.

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Dad is not going to come here and get drunk.

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-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

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He'll already be drunk. KNOCK ON DOOR

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-All right, son?

-All right? What's in the bag?

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I brought a little hair band, some ribbons and bows.

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-Aww! That's nice. Molly'll like that.

-They're not for her.

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They're for you to wear at the ballet.

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Ah, here he is, my little Benji.

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-That's Charlie.

-Oh, yeah.

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You know, you're growing up that fast, I thought you was the oldest.

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He is the oldest.

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Hiya, Frank. Say hello to your grandad.

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Do I have to kiss him?

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Charlie, say hello to Grandad Frank.

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Never mind Grandad Frank.

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-I want you to start calling me Grandpops.

-Grandpops?

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Yeah, that's what I used to call my grandad.

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We thought it was nice that I had a cosy name for the bitter old racist.

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Hello, Grandpops.

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That's better.

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Have you come to burgle us?

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-Ha-ha! The questions kids ask.

-Yeah.

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Have you come to burgle us?

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Oh, here come the other two monkeys. Are you ready for some fun?

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Are you going to teach us to play poker, like you did at Christmas?

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Yeah, but I did give you some of the money back, though, didn't I?

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Frank, I've jotted down a little list of things.

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I've set the timer on the oven,

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so all you have to do is wait for the ping and then dish up.

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Pyjamas are all laid out,

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and bed at eight o'clock at the very, very latest, please.

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You forget, I've raised a child myself.

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Have you? You never told me that.

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Look, I know I let you down as a father, Lee,

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but that's all behind us now.

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I want to be the best grandfather I can be.

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I promise you, Lucy, I would walk through fire for those kids.

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Please don't.

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-We're going to be late.

-OK, well, you've got my phone number,

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-so if there's even the slightest problem...

-Yes.

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I was talking to the kids.

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Frank? We're back.

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Well, the furniture's still here. That's a start.

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Dad?

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-Please don't say he's popped to the pub.

-I hope not.

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Last time he did that, he was gone for 11 years.

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You check on the kids. I'll phone his mobile.

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Oh, you're back.

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-Where have you been?

-Where does it look like?

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Cornwall in the 1700s.

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I've emptied your recycling bin.

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I did a bit of tidying-up. Hope you don't mind.

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-Oh, yeah.

-Yeah.

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Me and the kids made a bit of a mess playing pirates,

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but I tidied up, did a bit of hoovering.

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Even changed a couple of light bulbs while I were at it.

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Where's, er...? Where's Lucy?

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Never mind that. Where's my dad?

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She's upstairs.

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Is she, er...? Is she OK?

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-Yeah, she's fine.

-Well...

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It's none of my business,

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but when I was tidying up, I found a load of booze under the sink.

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Now, I'll say no more, as long as you know I'm never far away.

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That's probably why she needs to drink.

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Oh! Hiya, Frank.

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Dad's been having a tidy-up.

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Oh, yeah.

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What's with the face?

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Well, after supper, we did some pirate face-painting,

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and that wore 'em out before bath time.

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Then we brushed teeth, read stories.

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Shouldn't have done two, but they wouldn't let me stop.

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And then they were fast asleep before eight.

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Everything on the list is done.

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So, do you need a lift home,

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or are you just going to open up your umbrella and take off?

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Well, I'll be off.

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Any time you want to go out again, just say the word.

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Well, actually, Frank,

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Anna and Toby have invited us out next Saturday.

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Oh, really? What is it this time, son?

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Flower arranging or hopscotch lessons?

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-It's tapas.

-Oh.

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I was going to ask my mum and dad, but if you've got nothing on...?

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Say no more. I'm looking forward to it already.

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Oh, thanks, Frank.

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I'm going to go and make myself a drink. Do you want one, Lee?

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Why don't you have a glass of water with it as well?

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What did you make of the ballet, Lee?

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Was the principal dancer shocked

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when you tried to slip a £10 note down her top?

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Quite enjoyed it, actually.

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Inspirational doesn't begin to describe its maverick approach

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to this often more traditionally based piece by Jeremy Rogan.

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I think Jeremy Rogan was the name of the reviewer.

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EXCITED SHOUTS

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So, everything still OK for our tapas night?

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Yup. Lee's dad's all booked in to baby-sit.

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Frank? Really?

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-You sound surprised, Anna.

-Well, only because...you know.

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What?

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I've met him.

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Well, to be honest, we were a little nervous at first,

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but he did a great job the other night.

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Well, good for Frank.

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I think it's wonderful to expose the children

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to...all different aspects of life.

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I wish you had that attitude towards our son.

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I recently took Jack on the bus.

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I don't think the park and ride shuttle bus

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to the Chelsea Flower Show really counts.

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CHILDREN BICKER

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Actually, Lucy, if you don't mind,

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I think I'll just take the iPad off them.

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Leave it, Anna. A bit of noise never hurt anyone.

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And yet looks can kill.

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Can you pass that to me, please?

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-No.

-Come on, now, Benji, time to hand it over.

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-Oh,

-BLEEP

-off.

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What did you say?

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-Oh,

-BLEEP

-off.

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I beg your pardon?!

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Don't keep making him say it.

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Benji, where did you learn that word?

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Grandpops said it.

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Go to your room right now.

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Anna, I'm so, so sorry.

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It's fine, really.

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Don't believe her. She says that to me.

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Anyway, we really need to be on our way. Jack...

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Not because of what just happened, I hope.

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Yeah, you don't have to leave just because Benji told you to.

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-Toby, I'm so, so sorry.

-Don't worry about it.

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It's nice to hear someone finally pluck up the courage to tell her.

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I knew we should never have let your dad baby-sit.

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We need to get him round right now

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and see what he has to say for himself.

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Get him round? That's overreacting a bit, isn't it?

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Oh, so you think it's acceptable to swear in front of young children?

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I never said that, but I'm sure he didn't mean any harm.

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It's... It's just a cultural thing.

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Oh, don't start all that "pushing your bike up the cobbles

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"to see your auntie, who was a one-eyed prostitute" claptrap.

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Bad language is bad language.

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Look, he's coming over again on Saturday, anyway, to baby-sit,

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so I'll have a chat with him then, so it's less of a big deal.

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You're not serious?

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There's no way that he's baby-sitting again.

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-What, because of one swearword?

-That we know of.

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Who knows what other words he might have used.

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All right, let's get Benji down,

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read out a list and see which other ones he recognises.

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I'm serious. There is no way that Frank is baby-sitting again.

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-Either you can tell him or I will.

-All right, I will tell him.

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And make sure you let him know exactly the reasons why.

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It's important the message gets across and he knows we're not happy.

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Maybe we should get Benji to tell him.

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Dad...

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Thank you.

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Oh, "Barista".

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That's a very pretty name.

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Dad, about this baby-sitting on Saturday.

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Yes, I'm really looking forward to it, son.

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Look what I've made the kids.

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It's a map of hidden treasure.

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I said I'd go in the garden and help 'em to dig it up.

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-X marks the spot.

-You might want to move that a bit.

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That's close to where we buried the cat.

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The thing is...

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When you and Lucy said to me I'd done a good job,

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it meant the world to me, son.

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Those kids, they didn't see me as some daft old man

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who were always messing things up.

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They saw me as Captain Grandpops,

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head of the pirate fleet,

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-and I swore there and then...

-I know you did.

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..I swore I wouldn't let them kids down the way I let you down.

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I can't wait to baby-sit again.

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Right. The thing is...

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What?

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We don't want you to baby-sit on Saturday.

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Why not? What have I done wrong this time?

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Nothing. Nothing at all.

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You did a great job and we want to use you again very soon.

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It's just that Toby and Anna have had to cancel the tapas night

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because they're going on a last-minute trip to Spain.

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Obviously, they wanted to taste the real thing.

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As long as you were pleased with me baby-sitting the other day.

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Dad, you did a brilliant job.

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Thanks, son. That means a lot to me. I'll get off.

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-Oh, hello.

-Oh, for...

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Hi, Toby. Looking forward to going away?

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I was just explaining to my dad why he can't baby-sit this weekend.

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Oh, I see.

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Persona non grata, eh, Frank?

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Oh, practise the language before you get there, eh?

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I've explained that the evening's cancelled

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because you and Anna are going abroad this weekend.

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Oh, yes. That's right.

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Italy.

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Lee said Spain.

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Well, it's sort of on the Spanish-Italian border, isn't it?

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Yeah, there's nothing like a bracing swim across the Mediterranean

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to whet the appetite.

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Well, I'll see you later.

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-It was just one little white lie.

-I'm not bothered about that.

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I'm bothered about the four-letter word

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my Jack can't stop saying since your son taught it to him.

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Yesterday he told both the cleaner and the gardener to eff off.

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If either of them spoke English, we would be mortified.

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So I'm assuming you were meant to confront your dad about it just now

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and you chickened out.

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No, I didn't chicken out.

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I just happen to think my dad is a bit of a new man.

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I think he's got something to offer. Look at this.

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Don't trust him. You'll be digging for ages.

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There'll be nothing there.

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He never did stuff like this for me when I was a kid.

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I honestly think he might be changing,

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and I am not going to punish him for one simple mistake.

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So, no, I didn't chicken out,

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cos I don't chicken out of difficult conversations.

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So you're going to tell Lucy what just happened?

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Am I hell! She'll bloody kill me.

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Oh, we'd better get a move on.

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Anna and Toby are picking us up soon.

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Still can't believe we cancelled me dad baby-sitting.

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And I can't believe he's had all week

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and still hasn't phoned me to apologise.

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Well...he's ashamed.

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He's never felt shame before.

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It's like three-ply quilted toilet paper.

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He hadn't felt that till last year.

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Well, as long as you made it perfectly clear

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that we weren't happy.

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I couldn't have been clearer.

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I even folded my arms when I said it. I learnt from the master.

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I don't do that.

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You always do that. Arms folded for serious.

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Weight on the left leg for really serious.

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And if you add on a, "I beg your pardon?!"

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I know it's time to hit the eject button.

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I'm not joking, Lee.

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I know. I made it very clear when I told him.

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In fact, he was so embarrassed about the swearing,

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he said that if it ever gets brought up again in conversation,

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he'll pretend to know nothing about it.

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So it's probably best to never, ever mention it to him again, ever.

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At all.

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Well, I suppose it would make it less awkward.

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Oh, it certainly would.

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-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Oh, that'll be Mum and Dad.

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Mm, I thought the temperature had suddenly dropped.

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Hello, Lucy, love.

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Oh.

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Hi, Frank. We weren't expecting you.

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I know, but you've no need to worry. I'm not baby-sitting.

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It's cancelled. Lee explained.

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Good.

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Well, I hope you understand the situation.

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Well, these things happen. It's no big deal.

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It's nice for them to have new experiences, new language,

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that sort of thing.

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Dad...

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Just brought these things for the kids.

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Right. That's very kind of you. See you later.

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No, no, wait... Don't you want to know what it is?

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Let me guess.

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Is it a DVD of Shaun Ryder doing Jackanory?

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It's just a few pirate costumes that I got from the pound shop.

0:15:180:15:21

-What's going on? Why have you got dressed up?

-I haven't.

0:15:210:15:25

You have. I can smell toothpaste.

0:15:250:15:27

-Are you going out?

-No.

0:15:280:15:30

-Yes, we are.

-Oh, sorry.

0:15:300:15:31

Um, I forgot to say, Toby and Anna cancelled at the last minute.

0:15:310:15:34

Gone to Spain.

0:15:340:15:36

I only spoke to Anna 20 minutes ago.

0:15:360:15:38

Well, like I say, it was very last-minute.

0:15:380:15:41

Is there another reason why you cancelled me?

0:15:410:15:43

You know very well why we cancelled you.

0:15:430:15:46

Well, you should know, anyway.

0:15:460:15:48

Yeah, but we agreed to forget about that, didn't we?

0:15:480:15:50

-Forget what?

-That's the spirit.

0:15:500:15:52

You didn't tell him, did you?

0:15:530:15:55

What the hell's going on?

0:15:550:15:56

"What the hell"? Frank, you missed your favourite word.

0:15:560:16:00

I'm sorry?

0:16:000:16:01

He's apologised. Let's move on.

0:16:010:16:04

Clearly, Lee didn't have the guts, Frank, so I'll tell you.

0:16:040:16:06

The day after you were here, Benji told my friend Anna to eff off.

0:16:060:16:10

Well, I can see his point.

0:16:100:16:11

Why's that my fault?

0:16:130:16:14

Because he heard you using the word when you baby-sat.

0:16:140:16:17

He most certainly did not, cos I never said it.

0:16:170:16:19

Well, that's not what Benji says.

0:16:190:16:21

Look, can we talk about this later? We're on our way out.

0:16:210:16:23

No, no, no, no.

0:16:230:16:24

You two are going nowhere till we get to the bottom of this.

0:16:240:16:26

KNOCK ON DOOR

0:16:260:16:28

Whoever that is, you can tell 'em to go and get...

0:16:280:16:30

All right, you're not helping your case.

0:16:300:16:32

-Hello.

-Oh, good(!) This'll help calm things down.

0:16:330:16:37

Oh, I see.

0:16:370:16:38

You've invited the respectable side of the family to baby-sit, have you?

0:16:380:16:41

That's right, Frank. Turned out Roy Chubby Brown wasn't available.

0:16:410:16:45

I was first choice, you know?

0:16:450:16:47

Really? You never mentioned that to us, darling.

0:16:470:16:49

Why should she mention it?

0:16:490:16:50

I've got as much right to baby-sit as you.

0:16:500:16:53

Am I right in assuming our untimely entrance has come mid-altercation?

0:16:530:16:57

Now, that's the kind of language you want to keep your kids away from.

0:16:570:17:01

What's going on?

0:17:010:17:03

Frank baby-sat last weekend.

0:17:030:17:05

Two weekends in a row?

0:17:050:17:06

We haven't done anything wrong, have we, Lucy?

0:17:060:17:08

Of course not, unlike Frank.

0:17:080:17:10

He swore in front of Benji,

0:17:100:17:12

and the next day, he repeated it in front of Anna.

0:17:120:17:14

Disgraceful behaviour, although I'd be lying if I said I was surprised.

0:17:140:17:18

Don't you look down your nose at me, you middle-class ponce.

0:17:180:17:21

All right, there's no need for that, Dad.

0:17:210:17:23

You would say that, wouldn't you?

0:17:230:17:25

Cos you've turned into a middle-class ponce, too.

0:17:250:17:27

-No, I've not. I'm still working-class.

-Oh, yeah(!)

0:17:270:17:30

You're like a matchstick man...

0:17:300:17:31

in a Lowry painting with your flat cap and your clogs,

0:17:310:17:34

off to get a tapas while you're going to the ballet.

0:17:340:17:37

-Don't start making this about me. I've not changed.

-Course you have.

0:17:370:17:41

How long is it since you lived off your wits,

0:17:410:17:43

when you wondered where your next meal were coming from?

0:17:430:17:45

Sorry, Dad. I said I was working-class, not Oliver Twist.

0:17:450:17:50

Got nothing to do with class.

0:17:500:17:52

Swearing in front of children is simply not acceptable.

0:17:520:17:54

I never swore.

0:17:540:17:56

Maybe you didn't realise you'd said it.

0:17:560:17:57

The kids were probably in the other room.

0:17:570:17:59

It's never an excuse, ever.

0:17:590:18:01

Geoffrey, we can't wrap the kids in cotton wool.

0:18:010:18:03

No, but maybe you can plug their ears with it when Frank's here.

0:18:030:18:06

I can't believe you didn't ask us to baby-sit.

0:18:060:18:08

I would have cancelled my bridge night.

0:18:080:18:10

You should have just asked.

0:18:100:18:11

Given all the times we've looked after them, it seems a bit much

0:18:110:18:14

that we've now become second choice to...his side of the family.

0:18:140:18:17

Oh, sorry, me? I thought Genghis Khan had walked in.

0:18:180:18:21

-You're not second choice.

-Is that right?

0:18:210:18:25

Yeah, Anna was second choice. You were third choice.

0:18:250:18:27

This is your fault we weren't asked first.

0:18:280:18:31

I told you Nick Faldo's autobiography

0:18:310:18:33

does not make a good bedtime story.

0:18:330:18:35

Don't start on me.

0:18:350:18:36

I'm not the one swearing at my grandchildren.

0:18:360:18:39

Neither am I.

0:18:390:18:40

Sorry, Frank? You calling my grandson a liar?

0:18:400:18:43

-Maybe.

-Why would he lie about something like that?

0:18:430:18:46

I don't know.

0:18:460:18:47

Maybe your daughter's not bringing him up properly.

0:18:470:18:50

I beg your pardon?!

0:18:530:18:56

Dad, it's time to hit the eject button.

0:18:570:19:00

Right, that's it. Benji, get in here right now.

0:19:000:19:03

-There's no need for this. Dad's not on trial.

-Exactly. I object.

0:19:030:19:06

Overruled.

0:19:060:19:07

Benji,

0:19:070:19:10

do you remember that bad word you said to Anna?

0:19:100:19:12

-Yes, it was... BOTH:

-No!

0:19:120:19:14

Don't say it.

0:19:140:19:16

Just tell us again where you heard it first.

0:19:160:19:18

Grandpops said it.

0:19:180:19:20

Will the defendant please rise?

0:19:200:19:23

Oh, sorry.

0:19:230:19:25

You're already stood up.

0:19:250:19:26

Not that grandpops.

0:19:280:19:30

That grandpops.

0:19:300:19:32

But that's not Grandpops.

0:19:360:19:39

That's Grandad.

0:19:390:19:40

Charlie told me we were supposed to call them both Grandpops

0:19:400:19:43

from now on.

0:19:430:19:44

No, that's only Grandad Frank.

0:19:440:19:46

Oh. My bad.

0:19:460:19:48

Hang on a minute. Grandad Geoffrey didn't even baby-sit last week.

0:19:490:19:52

It wasn't last week I heard him say the word.

0:19:520:19:55

It was another time.

0:19:550:19:56

We were at his house and he was on the phone.

0:19:560:19:58

-Can I go into the garden now?

-Yes.

0:20:000:20:03

Can I come?

0:20:040:20:05

Can I just say...? I agree with every word that Lucy's saying.

0:20:070:20:11

I think that swearing is a terrible thing to do around young kiddies.

0:20:110:20:15

Obviously there's been some mistake.

0:20:150:20:18

Geoffrey doesn't use language like that.

0:20:180:20:20

-Sorry, Wendy, are you calling my grandson a liar?

-Dad?

0:20:200:20:23

How am I supposed to keep track of every word I say?

0:20:230:20:26

Oh, so you eff and jeff all the time, do you, Effy Geoffy?

0:20:260:20:29

Dad, did you swear in front of Benji, yes or no?

0:20:300:20:34

You never gave me multiple choice.

0:20:340:20:36

Well, now you come to mention it, there was a...

0:20:360:20:39

a terse phone call I made to the golf club

0:20:390:20:41

about them changing my seating arrangements at the dinner.

0:20:410:20:44

I did use some rather brisk language.

0:20:440:20:47

I thought the children were out of earshot in the other room.

0:20:470:20:50

Oh, never an excuse, Geoffrey, ever.

0:20:500:20:53

Frank, I am so very, very sorry for accusing you, and so's my dad.

0:20:540:20:59

Is he? I must have missed that. Could you repeat it, Geoffrey?

0:21:000:21:05

Dad?

0:21:050:21:06

Believe me, I really do wish this hadn't happened.

0:21:060:21:10

Still waiting.

0:21:110:21:12

Go on, Geoffrey.

0:21:130:21:15

Frank...

0:21:150:21:17

I'm sorry for any distress I might have caused.

0:21:170:21:20

I only hope it's offset by the immense self-satisfaction

0:21:200:21:23

I can see plastered all over your face

0:21:230:21:26

now that you're experiencing the novelty of the moral high ground.

0:21:260:21:30

Well, I'd take that, Dad. It's as good as you're going to get.

0:21:320:21:35

Well, I'm glad we got all that sorted out.

0:21:350:21:37

Maybe we should have a clearer system from now on.

0:21:370:21:39

You should be Grandad G and you should be Grandad F.

0:21:390:21:42

Oh, I think he should be Grandad F.

0:21:420:21:44

Anyway, can we put it all behind us and just move on?

0:21:470:21:50

Oh, hang on! Is that it?

0:21:500:21:52

Well, I've said sorry. I can't keep saying it.

0:21:520:21:54

No, I don't mean that.

0:21:540:21:55

When we thought my dad had sworn, we had to have a crisis meeting.

0:21:550:21:58

Well, we should have one now with your dad.

0:21:580:22:00

-Are you serious?

-Oh, I'm deadly serious.

0:22:000:22:03

OK, then. Fine.

0:22:030:22:05

Dad...follow me.

0:22:050:22:08

-There. Done it.

-You didn't say anything.

0:22:140:22:18

No, and neither did you to your dad at the coffee shop.

0:22:180:22:21

-Did you find that acceptable?

-No.

0:22:210:22:23

Well, I don't find this acceptable.

0:22:230:22:25

You've got 'em, son. They're on the ropes.

0:22:250:22:28

Look, this is all nonsense. My dad's apologised.

0:22:280:22:30

Nobody owes anybody else any more apologies.

0:22:300:22:34

-Is that right?

-Oh, for God's sake, Mum.

0:22:340:22:36

-I'm sorry that you were second-choice baby-sitter.

-Third.

0:22:360:22:40

And I am sorry that I accused your dad.

0:22:400:22:43

Now, can we all just move on, please?

0:22:430:22:46

-Father?

-I'm a reasonable man.

0:22:460:22:48

And do you promise to bring this up in the future at every opportunity?

0:22:480:22:52

Of course.

0:22:520:22:53

Then consider the matter dropped.

0:22:530:22:56

Good.

0:22:560:22:57

Now, I'm sorry to rush things along, but any minute now,

0:22:570:23:00

Anna and Toby are going to land in our garden

0:23:000:23:02

in an easyJet plane from Barcelona to take us out for tapas,

0:23:020:23:05

so if you don't mind, Frank, we'll see you later?

0:23:050:23:08

What are you talking about? I'm not leaving.

0:23:080:23:11

I'm baby-sitting.

0:23:110:23:14

Wendy and Geoffrey are the ones who are leaving.

0:23:140:23:16

Frank, Mum and Dad are baby-sitting tonight.

0:23:160:23:18

Yes, but that was before we knew your father had a pottymouth.

0:23:180:23:21

Yeah, and it was my dad that was asked first, remember?

0:23:210:23:24

Oh, I remember.

0:23:240:23:26

But then we cancelled him.

0:23:260:23:28

Yes, because we thought he'd used bad language,

0:23:280:23:30

but now we know it was your dad that swore, we should cancel him.

0:23:300:23:33

Exactly. Who knows what other filth they might have heard?

0:23:330:23:37

I'm beginning to wonder whether the full scale of these horrors

0:23:370:23:40

will ever be understood.

0:23:400:23:42

Well, there's a simple solution. Lucy, who do you want to baby-sit?

0:23:420:23:46

Sorry, do I get a vote? I'm 18 now.

0:23:460:23:49

Well, I'm not leaving. I never swore.

0:23:490:23:51

Fair point.

0:23:510:23:53

Me and Wendy will snuggle down on the settee and do it together.

0:23:530:23:57

Come on, Lucy, who do you want to baby-sit?

0:23:570:23:59

-Well, I...

-They're our grandchildren, Lucy.

0:23:590:24:02

-They're my grandchildren, too.

-Come off it.

0:24:020:24:04

For years, your feckless behaviour has meant that you've come and gone,

0:24:040:24:07

whereas Wendy and I have been hands-on grandparents from the start.

0:24:070:24:09

Keep pushing me, I'll show you hands-on.

0:24:090:24:11

Oh, here it comes, the full Coronation Street.

0:24:110:24:15

I've a good mind to come over there and wash your mouth out with soap.

0:24:150:24:18

What, and risk getting some of it on your hands?

0:24:180:24:20

I've no need to listen to this.

0:24:200:24:22

I quite agree. Off you go.

0:24:220:24:24

Buenas noches, amigos.

0:24:260:24:27

You can stop that nonsense.

0:24:310:24:32

I know you're not really in Spain, you liar.

0:24:320:24:36

Don't criticise my husband like that.

0:24:360:24:38

Yeah. Let Anna show you how to do it properly.

0:24:380:24:41

Thanks to your foul mouth and your filthy-mouthed grandchild,

0:24:430:24:47

my Jack is running around cursing like a scaffolder.

0:24:470:24:50

Don't you talk about my grandson like that.

0:24:500:24:52

You may think of yourself as all high and mighty

0:24:520:24:54

because you've gone up in the baby-sitting pecking order,

0:24:540:24:56

but he's still my flesh and blood.

0:24:560:24:57

Yeah, don't start having a go at my son.

0:24:570:24:59

Oh, yeah, but it's all right for people to have a go at your father?

0:24:590:25:02

That's different. You're big enough and ugly enough to look after yourself.

0:25:020:25:05

Well, ugly enough.

0:25:050:25:06

I knew it wouldn't be long before they turned on each other.

0:25:060:25:09

-Like father, like son.

-Oh, that's rich,

0:25:090:25:12

coming from a man who screams obscenities at little kiddies.

0:25:120:25:14

For goodness' sake, you silly little man!

0:25:140:25:16

He was on the phone to the golf club.

0:25:160:25:18

So you say, but for all we know,

0:25:180:25:20

he could have been on a loudspeaker on the phone

0:25:200:25:22

to a premium-rate sex line.

0:25:220:25:24

I've just about had enough of this.

0:25:250:25:27

Oh, yeah? You want to get it on?

0:25:270:25:29

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

0:25:290:25:31

-Oh, will you all just shut the

-BLEEP

-up?

0:25:320:25:36

-You're all a bunch of

-BLEEP

-idiots.

0:25:400:25:42

-You're a pompous

-BLEEP

-hole.

0:25:420:25:44

-You're always out for a

-BLEEP

-fight with everyone you meet,

0:25:440:25:46

-you silly

-BLEEP.

0:25:460:25:47

-You're a stupidly oversensitive

-BLEEP

-head.

0:25:470:25:49

-You're a stuck-up

-BLEEP.

-You're a lying

-BLEEP.

0:25:490:25:52

-And if you'd had a

-BLEEP

-with this

-BLEEP

-in the first place,

0:25:520:25:55

-we wouldn't be in this

-BLEEP

-of a

-BLEEP

-mess.

0:25:550:25:58

-Well, I've had en-

-BLEEP

--ough.

0:25:580:26:00

-None of you

-BLEEP

-can

-BLEEP

-baby-sit!

0:26:000:26:03

-Mummy, what's a

-BLEEP?

0:26:160:26:19

I'm a terrible mother.

0:26:310:26:33

Have you finished that word?

0:26:340:26:36

Feel free to try and comfort me at any point.

0:26:390:26:41

Look...like I've been trying to tell you all week,

0:26:430:26:46

it is possible to accidentally swear in front of the children

0:26:460:26:49

without it making you a bad person.

0:26:490:26:51

The kids will have forgotten about it by tomorrow.

0:26:510:26:53

All right, by next week.

0:26:540:26:57

All right, if they're still in therapy when they're 18,

0:26:570:26:59

we'll say it wasn't you, it was their real mother.

0:26:590:27:01

Well, whatever happens,

0:27:030:27:04

I'm going to make sure the kids don't hear any more swearwords.

0:27:040:27:08

To be fair, I don't think there are any more swearwords.

0:27:080:27:10

Now I've just got to make it up to everyone I insulted.

0:27:120:27:15

Well...

0:27:150:27:17

I'm one of the people you insulted.

0:27:170:27:19

Maybe you should make it up to me.

0:27:190:27:21

Is that right? And how am I supposed to do that?

0:27:210:27:24

Well, use your imagination.

0:27:240:27:27

Which, as it turns out, is a lot filthier than I ever thought.

0:27:270:27:29

How about I just take us for a nice meal out?

0:27:330:27:35

You know, just the two of us.

0:27:350:27:37

Well, you could, but who are you going to ask to baby-sit?

0:27:370:27:40

All right, you win.

0:27:420:27:44

# We're not going out

0:27:470:27:49

# Not staying in

0:27:490:27:51

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

0:27:510:27:54

# But there is no need to scream and shout

0:27:540:27:57

# We're not going out

0:27:570:28:00

# We are not going out. #

0:28:000:28:03

Lucy causes offence by choosing the wrong babysitter.