Car Not Going Out


Car

Sitcom. Lee's hopes for a stress-free ferry trip to France with Lucy and the children are dashed when they don't leave enough time for the car journey.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

Time to destination - two hours.

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And for those of you on your travels this weekend,

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a piece of Mozart to get your holiday off to a relaxing start.

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SOFT PIANO MUSIC

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CHILDREN SHOUTING

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Don't push, don't push.

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# Head, shoulders, knees and toes... #

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Everyone, I'm hanging up Mummy's wedding outfit.

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Please do not get it dirty.

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Can't see out the window. Hang it over Molly's side.

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Hang it over Benji's side.

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Any more arguing, and me and Daddy will go to France

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and leave you in the house on your own. Is that what you want?

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-ALL:

-Yeah!

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Mummy, you haven't strapped me in yet.

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Any chance of some help, Lee?

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And holiday over.

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# We're not going out

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# Not staying in

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# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

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# But there is no need to scream and shout

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# We're not going out

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# We are not going out. #

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# Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes

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# Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes

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# And eyes and ears and mouth and nose

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# Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. #

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Again!

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# Head, shoulders, knees and... #

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Oh, we love that song.

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That's not a song. It's Hannibal Lecter's shopping list.

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METRONOME

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Oh, great, you let him bring his sound-effects box.

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Just what a long journey with kids needs -

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some spare noise in case of awkward silences.

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SINISTER LAUGH

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Keeps them quiet.

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SINISTER LAUGH CONTINUES

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Yeah, it's doing an excellent job(!)

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Why are you being such an old misery guts?

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Because you made me spend the last half-hour strapping

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those bikes to the roof. What have you been doing?

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Packing my clothes, packing your clothes,

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packing the kids' clothes, wrapping my cousin's wedding present,

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putting everything in the boot, bathing the kids, feeding the kids,

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getting the travel mattresses down from the loft,

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finding all the passports...

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All right, one-all.

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I'm bored.

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Why don't we play I Spy?

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Hurray!

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Not I Spy. The twins are too young.

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We spent the whole journey to the Cotswolds trying to think of

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words beginning with the number three.

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I spy with my little eye something beginning with B.

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B for boring.

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You can't spy an adjective, Charlie.

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It's best he learns.

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Oh, I agree. I just can't believe you know what an adjective is.

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How long to the ferry?

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-Two hours.

-How long is two hours?

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About an hour.

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I don't want it to be an hour.

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-All right, half an hour.

-How long is that?

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-About ten minutes.

-Hurray!

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Are you sure we're going to get there on time?

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Fine. Sat nav says we're arriving at 6:30.

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Last check-in isn't until 7:15.

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-How do you know?

-I read it on the website.

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"All vehicles under 1.85 metres must check in by 7:15 at the latest."

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But we're way over that.

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No, we're not. This vehicle is only about 1.6 metres high.

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But what about the bikes on the roof?

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They don't count the bikes towards the height of the vehicle.

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Course they do.

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No, they don't. If I was wearing a top hat,

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that wouldn't make me six foot six, would it?

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No, but you wouldn't wear it through a doorway that said

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-maximum height six foot, would you?

-I could duck.

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Oh, great(!) Well, when we get to the ferry,

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just set the roof rack to duck, and we'll be fine.

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So what if they do count the bikes?

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What time is the latest check-in for the higher vehicles?

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I didn't read that bit, did I? I'm not Eddie Stobart.

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Oh, great(!) I'm phoning the ferry company and checking.

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SINISTER LAUGH

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Does that make any other noises, Charlie?

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PIERCING SHRIEK

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Nobody is guessing! Something beginning with B!

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I know - is it big bag of blackcurrant berry-tastic

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blood sugar-boosting bon-bons?

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-Hurray!

-Yeah!

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What are you giving them sweets for?

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Keep them quiet whilst we make this call.

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Oh, yeah, because nothing keeps a child calm quite like a Haribo(!)

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Should have bought the Sunny Delight,

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then we really could have had some peace.

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-Just one each.

-And don't drop any.

-Yeah, be careful.

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Last time I dropped a jelly ring, I knelt down to pick it up,

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ended up accidentally proposing to your mother.

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Welcome to Channel Ferries.

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Please use your keypad to type your ten-digit booking reference,

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or, if you are a premium ticket holder,

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press star now to be put straight through to an operator.

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You did book premium, didn't you?

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No chance. Not paying an extra 100 quid just for

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a cup of tea and some thicker toilet paper.

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And for a fully supervised kids' play section

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with the chance to meet Peppa Pig.

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For that money, I'd want the chance to roast Peppa Pig on a spit.

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Thank you. Please hold.

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And with premium tickets you get access to the lounge,

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but instead we're going to be hanging around the docks.

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Yeah, that's right, hanging round the docks, surrounded by

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prostitutes and one-eyed sailors playing the accordion.

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Er, what's an accordion?

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-It's a musical instrument, sweetheart.

-Oh.

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Why didn't he ask what a prostitute was?

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WOLF HOWLS

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SINISTER LAUGH

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PIERCING SHRIEK

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Has it been two hours?

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Something beginning with B!

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Bird.

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I can't see a bird, stupid.

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GUNSHOT

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Yeah, I just shot it.

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MORE GUNSHOTS

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Who wants to play on Daddy's phone?

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-BOTH:

-Me!

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Lee! Don't want them just staring at a screen

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and playing games all journey.

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-Mummy?

-Yes, sweetheart?

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What's a prostitute?

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Take turns and don't drop it.

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And don't Google what a prostitute is.

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When we get through, let me do the talking.

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Why?

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Because I made the booking. Besides, they'll put us through

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to some thicko who doesn't know what he's doing.

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I can see why that's your department.

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Hello. Channel Ferries. George speaking.

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Daddy said you're a thicko.

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I don't know who said that. Haven't got kids.

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Really? According to the details on your booking, sir,

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you've got three children.

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Well, I didn't have before you put me on hold.

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Apologies about the delay, sir.

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What can I do for you today?

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Right. What it is, is this -

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we are driving in a vehicle that is under 1.85 metres.

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-OK.

-And my question is this -

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if we've got three bikes on the roof,

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does that make the vehicle higher?

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Hello?

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Sorry, I'm still here. I'm not sure I understand your question.

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Well, it's fairly straightforward.

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Well, yes, but it's so straightforward,

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I'm assuming I'm not properly following you.

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Could you just answer the question, please?

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You're asking me if you take your vehicle and attach

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three other vehicles to the top of it, will that make it higher?

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Yes.

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Why do you keep pausing?

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Sorry, I'm just wondering if it's a trick question.

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It's not a trick question.

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OK. Well, then, yes, sir, it does make it higher.

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See, I told you.

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But the actual vehicle ITSELF isn't higher, is it?

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Of course the vehicle itself is still the same height, but the

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restrictions of what it can drive under obviously then change,

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so therefore, the overall height of your vehicle has changed.

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But if I was wearing a top hat, it wouldn't make me six foot six,

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-would it?

-We have no restrictions on headgear, sir.

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You're completely free to wear whatever you like on the ferry.

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I'm just making a point.

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I'm not actually wearing a top hat, otherwise I wouldn't fit in the car.

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And you've rather elegantly made my point by saying so, sir.

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So you're saying that we are over 1.85 metres?

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Yes, unless they're very, very tiny bicycles, or extremely heavy ones.

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Did I pay extra for the jokes?

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Oh, I doubt it.

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-So, what time is final check-in?

-As an oversize vehicle,

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it's half an hour earlier than regulation vehicles,

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so 6:45pm at the absolute latest.

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But that only gives us 15 minutes to spare.

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Is there anything else I can help you with?

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What do you mean, anything else? You didn't help us with THIS.

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OK. Well, you have a nice journey, sir.

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-Yeah, we won't.

-Goodbye, sir.

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Yeah, see you. Oh, and one other thing, George.

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Yes, sir?

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-I did call you a thicko.

-Well, if you...

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Thank goodness I let you do the talking(!)

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Keep guessing, Mummy. It begins with B.

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-Bird-brain, buffoon, butthead.

-Don't start.

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This is your fault for making me strap those bikes to the roof.

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Who the hell takes bikes to a wedding?

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It's for the day after the wedding, and it's what people do in France.

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Yeah, you can't move for all the French on bicycles with

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strings of onions round their necks, wearing stripy T-shirts,

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eating croissants and cheating on their wives with snails.

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What kind of person gets married in France, anyway?

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The kind of person who marries a Frenchman.

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Well, what kind of person marries a Frenchman?

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I don't know, the kind of person who likes nice cheese and good sex.

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Well, I've always thought a quickie and a Dairylea triangle

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are very underrated.

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We cannot miss this ferry.

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Perhaps you should get on the roof and start pedalling.

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Mummy, I feel sick.

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Benji's eaten them all.

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I said one each.

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I thought you meant one PACKET each.

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Hang on.

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If we take this exit in 100 yards, I think there's a short cut.

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We'll avoid the traffic.

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But the sat nav is saying stay on this road,

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and they factor in the traffic.

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-This one doesn't.

-Why not?

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You had to pay extra for that.

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PIERCING SHRIEK

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Don't tell me - was it described as the premium service?

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METRONOME

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50 yards to this turn-off.

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-Don't take the exit.

-It'll be quicker.

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The sat nav says we're going to get there with 15 minutes to spare.

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Just stay on this road.

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What if the traffic doesn't clear?

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20 yards.

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I think it IS clearing. Don't do it.

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Ten yards.

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Stay on this road, Lee. Don't take the exit.

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OK.

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Really need to catch this ferry.

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I'm taking the exit.

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Noooooo!

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See, we're moving much faster now.

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Yeah, perfect(!) Shame we're heading in completely the wrong direction.

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Says who?

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Make a U-turn where possible.

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Was that directions or marriage counselling?

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Are we there yet?

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-No.

-I'm bored.

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Stop moaning or we're turning this car right round.

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That's what we want you to do.

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The sat nav hasn't reconfigured yet. It doesn't know what I'm up to.

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No-one knows what you're up to.

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Don't worry. There's a turning up here.

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Turn back now.

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Make a U-turn where possible.

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Here it is.

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This is a field, you moron!

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Is this France?

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SINISTER LAUGH

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Don't suppose you fancy giving us a push, do you?

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Yeah, but let's get out of this field first.

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I'll do it when we get to the harbour.

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-Maybe I'll do the pushing.

-Good idea.

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If I get out now, I might start running and never stop.

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Push harder!

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You reverse harder.

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I don't want to get mud all over you.

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Just rev it, it's going nowhere near me.

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Oh, great(!)

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Make a U-turn where possible.

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That sat nav will kick in in a minute.

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What was wrong with good old-fashioned maps?

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Well, there's one in the side pocket

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if you're feeling confident, Catweazle.

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This is of Inverness and the Scottish Highlands.

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Well, don't worry. Keep driving for a bit.

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It'll probably come in useful.

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If we miss this ferry, it'll be your fault.

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Well, don't worry, Miss Perfect.

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If we miss the ferry, you can just walk across the water.

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Keep guessing, Mummy. It begins with B.

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Still feel sick.

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SINISTER LAUGH

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Is it bath? B for bath?

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Stop being silly. Mummy, tell him.

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Stop arguing in the back.

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Stop arguing in the front.

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Hang on, look. The sat nav's reconfiguring.

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I really feel sick.

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Just try and think of something else, Benji.

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Yeah, think about what great fun you'll have on the ferry,

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bobbing about on the ocean waves.

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BENJI MOANS

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Actually, stop thinking about that. It'll be very calm.

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-You'll have lots of fun.

-Is there a play area?

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Yes, in premium, but Daddy didn't pay for that.

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Maybe you can stand outside and watch the other children playing.

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Oh, Daddy, it's not fair.

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Well done. Tell them about the time I shot the puppy.

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I really don't feel well.

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-Can you slow down on the bends?

-You're making him worse.

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Continue straight ahead for half a mile.

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There you go. Told you. It's reconfigured.

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FANFARE

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Who's the daddy? Daddy's the daddy.

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-Lee.

-What?

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The sat nav says we're going to get there at ten to seven.

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Your short cut means we're going to miss the last check-in.

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PIERCING SHRIEK

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Don't worry. I can still get us there.

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-I can make up the time.

-Oh, it's fine, kids.

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Daddy knows a wormhole in the fabric of space and time.

0:13:050:13:08

-ALL:

-Hurray!

0:13:080:13:10

Oh, Mummy, I'm not well.

0:13:110:13:13

Maybe we should stop.

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Slow down, speed up, stop - this is like when we're in bed.

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I feel sick.

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Yeah, that one rings a bell, too.

0:13:190:13:22

Keep guessing, Mummy. Something that begins with B.

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Blood, bones, bandages, brutally bludgeoned brain, bashing, burial.

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I can't see those things.

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Keep watching, darling.

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Stop the car.

0:13:340:13:35

Look, Benji, do you FEEL sick or are you actually going to BE sick?

0:13:350:13:39

Benji?

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VOMITING

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Please tell me that was a sound effect.

0:13:420:13:45

Mummy, it went all over me.

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Oh, God.

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It's OK, sweetheart.

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Is that it, Benji, or is there any more?

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VOMITING

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Thanks for that, Lee.

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At least he missed your wedding outfit.

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I am thrilled to be doing this journey

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with someone who's so upbeat.

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Any more, Benji?

0:14:020:14:03

Don't keep encouraging him. Stop the car.

0:14:030:14:06

I can't stop the car.

0:14:060:14:08

Oh, I'm sorry, Keanu Reeves,

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I forgot we were in the middle of a remake of Speed.

0:14:090:14:12

We have to make up time, not lose it.

0:14:120:14:14

You have to stop! The smell is unbearable.

0:14:140:14:16

I'll open the window.

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CHILDREN SCREAM

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It's freezing!

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Well, you've got a choice - to be freezing cold or the smell of vomit.

0:14:200:14:23

If that doesn't sum up marriage, I don't know what does.

0:14:230:14:26

Close it.

0:14:260:14:28

Stop the car.

0:14:280:14:30

We can't stop the car cos we'll miss the ferry, and you can't

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miss the ferry cos you'll miss your cousin's wedding, remember?

0:14:330:14:36

I wish I'd missed ours.

0:14:360:14:37

Shall I stop the car, then?

0:14:370:14:38

No, just carry on.

0:14:380:14:40

I'll see if I can hold my breath for the next ten miles.

0:14:400:14:43

Maybe I will slow down, then.

0:14:430:14:45

We'll clean up once we've checked in. We'll find a bathroom.

0:14:470:14:49

I'll tell you where they have nice bathrooms.

0:14:490:14:51

Don't tell me. Is it by any chance the premium lounge?

0:14:510:14:54

-Yes, it bloody is.

-It's a waste of money.

0:14:540:14:55

I'll tell you what's a waste of money -

0:14:550:14:57

buying five tickets to France, then missing the ferry to go

0:14:570:14:59

on a magical mystery tour of rural England.

0:14:590:15:01

All right. We're all in the same boat.

0:15:010:15:03

No, we're not. That's the problem.

0:15:030:15:05

Oh, great(!) Now the sat nav says we've lost two more minutes.

0:15:060:15:09

-I don't believe this.

-Oh, well, don't worry.

0:15:090:15:11

When you divorce me, you can get on the ferry on your own

0:15:110:15:13

as much as you like with your precious bikes.

0:15:130:15:15

That's it.

0:15:150:15:17

What, have you got your lawyer on speed dial?

0:15:170:15:19

We phone Channel Ferries again and book you in as a foot passenger.

0:15:190:15:23

Then when we get there, you take the bikes off the roof

0:15:230:15:25

and wheel them on, and I'll drive the car on, which will now be less

0:15:250:15:27

than 1.85 metres high, so we're all eligible for the later check-in.

0:15:270:15:31

So instead of being... seven minutes late,

0:15:310:15:33

we're now going to be... eight minutes early.

0:15:330:15:36

I wondered how long it'd take you to work that out.

0:15:380:15:41

Welcome to Channel Ferries.

0:15:410:15:43

Please use your keypad to type your ten-digit booking reference,

0:15:430:15:46

or, if you are a premium ticket hol...

0:15:460:15:48

So why do I have to be the one that looks like a lunatic,

0:15:510:15:53

wheeling three bikes on by meself?

0:15:530:15:54

I'm going to look like me family have disowned me.

0:15:540:15:56

Well, it'll be good practice.

0:15:560:15:58

And now we've got extra time, we can stop and clean up this mess.

0:15:580:16:00

We're not even thinking about stopping until I've spoken to them

0:16:000:16:03

and I know we can change it.

0:16:030:16:04

You're not speaking to them again. What if it's the same person?

0:16:040:16:07

It's not going to be the same person, is it?

0:16:070:16:09

Hello. Channel Ferries. George speaking.

0:16:090:16:11

How may I help you?

0:16:110:16:12

-Hello again, George.

-Oh, it's you again, sir.

0:16:120:16:16

Let me guess - you've called to ask

0:16:160:16:18

whether your wing mirrors count towards the width of the car.

0:16:180:16:21

-Look, about earlier...

-We do have a strict policy

0:16:220:16:25

of not tolerating abuse towards our staff, sir.

0:16:250:16:29

I can't apologise enough.

0:16:290:16:31

True, but you could make a start.

0:16:310:16:33

I'm sorry. I am really sorry.

0:16:340:16:37

Good, because we treat these issues very seriously.

0:16:370:16:41

And so do I.

0:16:410:16:42

FARTING SOUND EFFECT

0:16:420:16:45

So, how may I help you this time, sir?

0:16:450:16:47

Right, what it is, is this, George -

0:16:470:16:49

I would like to change one of our adult tickets to

0:16:490:16:52

a foot passenger ticket carrying on three bikes.

0:16:520:16:55

Please.

0:16:560:16:57

Would that be possible, George?

0:16:580:17:00

Of course. We strive to be as flexible as possible.

0:17:020:17:05

Oh, that is wonderful. Thank you very much indeed.

0:17:060:17:10

I can book you on for next Wednesday at 3pm.

0:17:100:17:12

What about tonight?

0:17:140:17:15

Tonight we're fully booked, sir.

0:17:150:17:17

PIERCING SHRIEK

0:17:170:17:19

But the thing is,

0:17:190:17:20

I'm not actually asking you to book an extra passenger, am I?

0:17:200:17:23

It's the same amount of passengers - I just won't be in the car.

0:17:230:17:25

I understand, sir,

0:17:250:17:27

but once the system is full, it won't accept any new bookings.

0:17:270:17:31

Must be something you can do.

0:17:310:17:33

I'm afraid not.

0:17:330:17:35

Oh, I'm sure there is.

0:17:350:17:36

What do you suggest I do, sir?

0:17:360:17:38

Well, seeing as you're so flexible,

0:17:380:17:40

maybe you could take your ferry and stick it up your...

0:17:400:17:42

PIERCING SHRIEK

0:17:420:17:44

Like I said, sir, we don't tolerate abuse against our staff,

0:17:440:17:47

so I'll say goodbye.

0:17:470:17:49

Wait, George, before you go, I want to apologise

0:17:490:17:51

for my husband's attitude. I'm afraid he has a certain condition,

0:17:510:17:55

which makes him socially awkward.

0:17:550:17:57

He's a knobhead.

0:17:570:17:58

Yes, well, he is a little abrasive.

0:17:590:18:01

You should try being married to him.

0:18:010:18:03

That's a generous offer, madam,

0:18:030:18:05

but I feel I've spent more than my fair share of time with him already.

0:18:050:18:09

Oh, George, what are you like?

0:18:090:18:10

Well, you don't have to be crazy to do my job, but it helps.

0:18:100:18:15

Sounds like my marriage.

0:18:150:18:16

At least I get to clock off in the evening.

0:18:160:18:19

Oh, George. You know what? I like you.

0:18:190:18:22

-You're funny.

-Thank you.

0:18:220:18:25

I'm not changing your booking.

0:18:250:18:27

Look - please, George, I'm begging you.

0:18:270:18:31

My husband is a stupid, rude idiot, and I'm sorry, OK?

0:18:310:18:34

But if we don't get a later check-in, we might miss this ferry,

0:18:340:18:37

and I am maid of honour at my cousin's wedding.

0:18:370:18:39

If you could find it in your heart to help us,

0:18:390:18:41

I would be eternally grateful.

0:18:410:18:44

The power to change our lives is in your hands.

0:18:440:18:49

Please, George, help us. You're our only hope.

0:18:490:18:54

Well, there might be one thing I could try.

0:18:580:19:01

Anything. You can even put my husband

0:19:010:19:03

in the hold with the bikes, if you like, George.

0:19:030:19:05

Why not just put a rubber ring round me and tow me along behind the boat?

0:19:050:19:09

Is that a possibility, George?

0:19:090:19:11

If you cancelled your existing booking,

0:19:110:19:13

that would release five tickets back into the system.

0:19:130:19:16

You could then re-book them as one party of four

0:19:160:19:19

and one foot passenger.

0:19:190:19:21

That's a brilliant idea.

0:19:210:19:23

-How come I was never offered that option?

-Sorry, sir,

0:19:230:19:26

I was too busy tolerating abuse to think creatively.

0:19:260:19:30

I should warn you, though - once your original tickets are

0:19:300:19:33

cancelled, there's no 100% guarantee that you'll be able to re-book them.

0:19:330:19:38

What?

0:19:380:19:39

We always have lots of people waiting on standby at the terminal.

0:19:390:19:43

What, so you're saying we could lose our tickets altogether?

0:19:430:19:46

Unless you re-book very quickly.

0:19:460:19:48

And if we do re-book quickly?

0:19:480:19:50

You'll probably be fine.

0:19:500:19:51

-Probably.

-Yes, probably.

0:19:510:19:54

I don't like that word.

0:19:540:19:56

What word would you like?

0:19:560:19:57

-"Definitely."

-OK, you'll definitely

0:19:570:20:01

be probably fine.

0:20:010:20:03

Are you deliberately trying to wind me up?

0:20:030:20:05

No, sir, but given your previous attitude,

0:20:050:20:08

I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a pleasing side effect.

0:20:080:20:11

OK, let's do it.

0:20:120:20:14

Oh, God.

0:20:140:20:16

So you're ready to cancel?

0:20:160:20:17

-And re-book.

-Yes, we are.

0:20:170:20:20

As soon as you say to me the word "cancel", I am going to

0:20:200:20:22

press this button, and that's it - your original booking will be lost.

0:20:220:20:27

OK.

0:20:270:20:28

There's no going back at that point.

0:20:280:20:30

I understand.

0:20:300:20:32

Are you quite sure you want me to do this?

0:20:320:20:35

Sorry, am I talking to Chris Tarrant here?

0:20:350:20:37

Yes, we are ready.

0:20:390:20:41

OK. Whenever you're ready,

0:20:410:20:43

say the word "cancel", and I'll cancel the booking.

0:20:430:20:46

BOTH: Cancel.

0:20:480:20:50

Hello? George?

0:20:520:20:54

DISTORTED SPEECH

0:20:540:20:56

Oh, God. The signal's gone.

0:20:560:20:57

Quick, Charlie, pass me my phone.

0:20:570:20:59

-It's stopped working.

-What?

0:20:590:21:01

The battery's gone.

0:21:010:21:03

-Is it B for battery?

-No!

0:21:030:21:05

Why the hell did you let him play with it?

0:21:050:21:07

It's not fair. I want to play with the phone.

0:21:070:21:09

Don't worry.

0:21:090:21:11

If you want to see an angry bird, just keep looking at your mother.

0:21:110:21:13

I spy with my little eye, something beginning with B.

0:21:130:21:17

For the love of God, will somebody guess it?

0:21:170:21:19

Breakdown. Mental bloody breakdown.

0:21:190:21:22

I still feel sick.

0:21:220:21:24

Just get me to some phone reception, quick.

0:21:240:21:26

Can we all have a nice little singsong and stop shouting, please?

0:21:260:21:28

-HEAD, SHOULDERS KNEES AND TOES PLAYS

-B, B, B, B, B.

0:21:280:21:31

-Bridge.

-No, guess again.

0:21:310:21:33

Why the hell could you not just have read the booking form properly?

0:21:330:21:35

I wish I'd read the terms and conditions on our

0:21:350:21:37

marriage certificate properly. "If you are happy to spend

0:21:370:21:40

"the rest of your life being blamed for everything, please tick here."

0:21:400:21:42

-Begins with B!

-Bridge!

0:21:420:21:45

-You just said that.

-Bridge!

0:21:450:21:47

Mummy, he's trying to annoy me.

0:21:470:21:50

That's because all men are hideous.

0:21:500:21:52

-Bridge!

-Stop it, Charlie. It's not bridge!

0:21:520:21:55

Can we all stop shouting, please?

0:21:550:21:56

-Bridge!

-She just said it's not bridge!

0:21:560:21:59

I feel sick!

0:21:590:22:00

-But, Daddy!

-Yes, Charlie, what is it?

0:22:000:22:02

Bridge!

0:22:020:22:04

Is everyone all right?

0:22:120:22:14

-ALL:

-Yes.

0:22:140:22:16

Sorry. What is it you wanted to say, Charlie?

0:22:160:22:19

I think we're going to crash into that bridge.

0:22:190:22:22

Thanks, son.

0:22:230:22:25

Tell you what - it's a lot easier

0:22:270:22:29

getting those bikes off the roof than it is putting them on.

0:22:290:22:33

At least we're lower than 1.85 metres now.

0:22:330:22:35

Shame we cancelled that booking.

0:22:370:22:39

Unless the phone cut out before he heard us say it.

0:22:390:22:42

What?

0:22:450:22:46

Well, we don't know exactly when the phone cut out.

0:22:460:22:49

It's possible he didn't hear us say "cancel".

0:22:490:22:52

That means we might still be booked on the ferry.

0:22:540:22:57

And that we have an extra 15 minutes to get there,

0:22:570:23:00

because we're now a low vehicle.

0:23:000:23:02

What time would that make last check-in?

0:23:020:23:05

7:15.

0:23:050:23:07

Charlie, what time does it say we're going to get there on the sat nav?

0:23:070:23:11

7:15.

0:23:110:23:13

BOTH: Back in the car!

0:23:140:23:16

-ALL SHOUTING:

-Wait! Wait! Wait!

-HORN BEEPING

0:23:330:23:37

Stop! Stop, please!

0:23:440:23:49

We're here. Let us on.

0:23:490:23:52

What is that smell?

0:23:520:23:53

It's a new fragrance from L'Oreal.

0:23:530:23:54

It's called having kids.

0:23:540:23:56

Well, I'm sorry. Check-in's closed. Ferry's ready to depart.

0:23:560:24:01

Well, it hasn't departed, has it? You can let us on.

0:24:010:24:03

Sorry, nothing I can do.

0:24:030:24:05

Please.

0:24:100:24:11

I know I stink of sick and it looks like we've ram-raided Halfords,

0:24:110:24:16

but we are nice people and we have been through hell to get here.

0:24:160:24:21

No British person has ever fought harder to get to Cherbourg,

0:24:210:24:24

and, yes, I include 1944 in that.

0:24:240:24:27

At least during Operation Overlord, the Allies didn't have to

0:24:270:24:29

sing Head, Shoulders, Knees And Toes.

0:24:290:24:32

Please. I have to get to my cousin's wedding.

0:24:340:24:38

I have to see the start of a marriage -

0:24:380:24:40

the happy bit, with cake and dancing.

0:24:400:24:43

Please!

0:24:450:24:46

OK, OK.

0:24:480:24:50

If you promise to let go of me, I'm sure I can sneak one more on.

0:24:500:24:55

(Thank you.)

0:24:550:24:57

Booking reference?

0:25:010:25:02

Well, here's the interesting thing.

0:25:020:25:06

You see, a few miles back, we sort of phoned and cancelled the booking,

0:25:060:25:09

although we might not have done, in which case we want to keep it.

0:25:090:25:12

But if we have cancelled it, we want to make it un-cancelled.

0:25:120:25:16

Well, you're either booked on or you're not,

0:25:180:25:21

and if you're not, then you're not getting on.

0:25:210:25:24

Looking forward to reading this novel when you've finished it.

0:25:350:25:38

-Here we are.

-METRONOME

0:25:380:25:41

I can confirm, in fact...

0:25:410:25:45

..you're still booked on.

0:25:510:25:52

BOTH: Yes!

0:25:520:25:54

CHILDREN CHEER

0:25:540:25:55

See, I told you.

0:25:550:25:56

The phone must have cut off and he didn't hear us say "cancel".

0:25:560:25:59

Oh, no, he must have definitely heard you say it,

0:25:590:26:01

cos there's a note here from an operator called George,

0:26:010:26:04

saying he tried to cancel it, but the system wouldn't let him.

0:26:040:26:08

Why not?

0:26:080:26:09

Well, he obviously didn't realise the rules.

0:26:090:26:11

Last-minute cancellations are for premium passengers only.

0:26:110:26:14

Which we are not.

0:26:170:26:19

Just drive.

0:26:220:26:23

We made it! Three cheers for Daddy's driving.

0:26:280:26:31

Hip-hip...

0:26:310:26:32

VOMITING

0:26:320:26:34

Great(!) All over my wedding outfit.

0:26:340:26:37

So that's a new dress AND new bikes we have to buy.

0:26:370:26:39

Hang on. Molly,

0:26:410:26:42

it's not B for bikes, is it?

0:26:420:26:44

Yeah, Daddy wins!

0:26:440:26:46

# We're not going out

0:26:490:26:52

# Not staying in

0:26:520:26:53

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

0:26:530:26:56

# But there is no need to scream and shout

0:26:560:26:59

# We're not going out

0:26:590:27:02

# We are not going out. #

0:27:020:27:06

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