Car Not Going Out

Time to destination - two hours.

And for those of you on your travels this weekend,

a piece of Mozart to get your holiday off to a relaxing start.

SOFT PIANO MUSIC

CHILDREN SHOUTING

Don't push, don't push.

# Head, shoulders, knees and toes... #

Everyone, I'm hanging up Mummy's wedding outfit.

Please do not get it dirty.

Can't see out the window. Hang it over Molly's side.

Hang it over Benji's side.

Any more arguing, and me and Daddy will go to France

and leave you in the house on your own. Is that what you want?

-ALL:

-Yeah!

Mummy, you haven't strapped me in yet.

Any chance of some help, Lee?

And holiday over.

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #

# Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes

# Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes

# And eyes and ears and mouth and nose

# Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. #

Again!

# Head, shoulders, knees and... #

Oh, we love that song.

That's not a song. It's Hannibal Lecter's shopping list.

METRONOME

Oh, great, you let him bring his sound-effects box.

Just what a long journey with kids needs -

some spare noise in case of awkward silences.

SINISTER LAUGH

Keeps them quiet.

SINISTER LAUGH CONTINUES

Yeah, it's doing an excellent job(!)

Why are you being such an old misery guts?

Because you made me spend the last half-hour strapping

those bikes to the roof. What have you been doing?

Packing my clothes, packing your clothes,

packing the kids' clothes, wrapping my cousin's wedding present,

putting everything in the boot, bathing the kids, feeding the kids,

getting the travel mattresses down from the loft,

finding all the passports...

All right, one-all.

I'm bored.

Why don't we play I Spy?

Hurray!

Not I Spy. The twins are too young.

We spent the whole journey to the Cotswolds trying to think of

words beginning with the number three.

I spy with my little eye something beginning with B.

B for boring.

You can't spy an adjective, Charlie.

It's best he learns.

Oh, I agree. I just can't believe you know what an adjective is.

How long to the ferry?

-Two hours.

-How long is two hours?

About an hour.

I don't want it to be an hour.

-All right, half an hour.

-How long is that?

-About ten minutes.

-Hurray!

Are you sure we're going to get there on time?

Fine. Sat nav says we're arriving at 6:30.

Last check-in isn't until 7:15.

-How do you know?

-I read it on the website.

"All vehicles under 1.85 metres must check in by 7:15 at the latest."

But we're way over that.

No, we're not. This vehicle is only about 1.6 metres high.

But what about the bikes on the roof?

They don't count the bikes towards the height of the vehicle.

Course they do.

No, they don't. If I was wearing a top hat,

that wouldn't make me six foot six, would it?

No, but you wouldn't wear it through a doorway that said

-maximum height six foot, would you?

-I could duck.

Oh, great(!) Well, when we get to the ferry,

just set the roof rack to duck, and we'll be fine.

So what if they do count the bikes?

What time is the latest check-in for the higher vehicles?

I didn't read that bit, did I? I'm not Eddie Stobart.

Oh, great(!) I'm phoning the ferry company and checking.

SINISTER LAUGH

Does that make any other noises, Charlie?

PIERCING SHRIEK

Nobody is guessing! Something beginning with B!

I know - is it big bag of blackcurrant berry-tastic

blood sugar-boosting bon-bons?

-Hurray!

-Yeah!

What are you giving them sweets for?

Keep them quiet whilst we make this call.

Oh, yeah, because nothing keeps a child calm quite like a Haribo(!)

Should have bought the Sunny Delight,

then we really could have had some peace.

-Just one each.

-And don't drop any.

-Yeah, be careful.

Last time I dropped a jelly ring, I knelt down to pick it up,

ended up accidentally proposing to your mother.

Welcome to Channel Ferries.

Please use your keypad to type your ten-digit booking reference,

or, if you are a premium ticket holder,

press star now to be put straight through to an operator.

You did book premium, didn't you?

No chance. Not paying an extra 100 quid just for

a cup of tea and some thicker toilet paper.

And for a fully supervised kids' play section

with the chance to meet Peppa Pig.

For that money, I'd want the chance to roast Peppa Pig on a spit.

Thank you. Please hold.

And with premium tickets you get access to the lounge,

but instead we're going to be hanging around the docks.

Yeah, that's right, hanging round the docks, surrounded by

prostitutes and one-eyed sailors playing the accordion.

Er, what's an accordion?

-It's a musical instrument, sweetheart.

-Oh.

Why didn't he ask what a prostitute was?

WOLF HOWLS

SINISTER LAUGH

PIERCING SHRIEK

Has it been two hours?

Something beginning with B!

Bird.

I can't see a bird, stupid.

GUNSHOT

Yeah, I just shot it.

MORE GUNSHOTS

Who wants to play on Daddy's phone?

-BOTH:

-Me!

Lee! Don't want them just staring at a screen

and playing games all journey.

-Mummy?

-Yes, sweetheart?

What's a prostitute?

Take turns and don't drop it.

And don't Google what a prostitute is.

When we get through, let me do the talking.

Why?

Because I made the booking. Besides, they'll put us through

to some thicko who doesn't know what he's doing.

I can see why that's your department.

Hello. Channel Ferries. George speaking.

Daddy said you're a thicko.

I don't know who said that. Haven't got kids.

Really? According to the details on your booking, sir,

you've got three children.

Well, I didn't have before you put me on hold.

Apologies about the delay, sir.

What can I do for you today?

Right. What it is, is this -

we are driving in a vehicle that is under 1.85 metres.

-OK.

-And my question is this -

if we've got three bikes on the roof,

does that make the vehicle higher?

Hello?

Sorry, I'm still here. I'm not sure I understand your question.

Well, it's fairly straightforward.

Well, yes, but it's so straightforward,

I'm assuming I'm not properly following you.

Could you just answer the question, please?

You're asking me if you take your vehicle and attach

three other vehicles to the top of it, will that make it higher?

Yes.

Why do you keep pausing?

Sorry, I'm just wondering if it's a trick question.

It's not a trick question.

OK. Well, then, yes, sir, it does make it higher.

See, I told you.

But the actual vehicle ITSELF isn't higher, is it?

Of course the vehicle itself is still the same height, but the

restrictions of what it can drive under obviously then change,

so therefore, the overall height of your vehicle has changed.

But if I was wearing a top hat, it wouldn't make me six foot six,

-would it?

-We have no restrictions on headgear, sir.

You're completely free to wear whatever you like on the ferry.

I'm just making a point.

I'm not actually wearing a top hat, otherwise I wouldn't fit in the car.

And you've rather elegantly made my point by saying so, sir.

So you're saying that we are over 1.85 metres?

Yes, unless they're very, very tiny bicycles, or extremely heavy ones.

Did I pay extra for the jokes?

Oh, I doubt it.

-So, what time is final check-in?

-As an oversize vehicle,

it's half an hour earlier than regulation vehicles,

so 6:45pm at the absolute latest.

But that only gives us 15 minutes to spare.

Is there anything else I can help you with?

What do you mean, anything else? You didn't help us with THIS.

OK. Well, you have a nice journey, sir.

-Yeah, we won't.

-Goodbye, sir.

Yeah, see you. Oh, and one other thing, George.

Yes, sir?

-I did call you a thicko.

-Well, if you...

Thank goodness I let you do the talking(!)

Keep guessing, Mummy. It begins with B.

-Bird-brain, buffoon, butthead.

-Don't start.

This is your fault for making me strap those bikes to the roof.

Who the hell takes bikes to a wedding?

It's for the day after the wedding, and it's what people do in France.

Yeah, you can't move for all the French on bicycles with

strings of onions round their necks, wearing stripy T-shirts,

eating croissants and cheating on their wives with snails.

What kind of person gets married in France, anyway?

The kind of person who marries a Frenchman.

Well, what kind of person marries a Frenchman?

I don't know, the kind of person who likes nice cheese and good sex.

Well, I've always thought a quickie and a Dairylea triangle

are very underrated.

We cannot miss this ferry.

Perhaps you should get on the roof and start pedalling.

Mummy, I feel sick.

Benji's eaten them all.

I said one each.

I thought you meant one PACKET each.

Hang on.

If we take this exit in 100 yards, I think there's a short cut.

We'll avoid the traffic.

But the sat nav is saying stay on this road,

and they factor in the traffic.

-This one doesn't.

-Why not?

You had to pay extra for that.

PIERCING SHRIEK

Don't tell me - was it described as the premium service?

METRONOME

50 yards to this turn-off.

-Don't take the exit.

-It'll be quicker.

The sat nav says we're going to get there with 15 minutes to spare.

Just stay on this road.

What if the traffic doesn't clear?

20 yards.

I think it IS clearing. Don't do it.

Ten yards.

Stay on this road, Lee. Don't take the exit.

OK.

Really need to catch this ferry.

I'm taking the exit.

Noooooo!

See, we're moving much faster now.

Yeah, perfect(!) Shame we're heading in completely the wrong direction.

Says who?

Make a U-turn where possible.

Was that directions or marriage counselling?

Are we there yet?

-No.

-I'm bored.

Stop moaning or we're turning this car right round.

That's what we want you to do.

The sat nav hasn't reconfigured yet. It doesn't know what I'm up to.

No-one knows what you're up to.

Don't worry. There's a turning up here.

Turn back now.

Make a U-turn where possible.

Here it is.

This is a field, you moron!

Is this France?

SINISTER LAUGH

Don't suppose you fancy giving us a push, do you?

Yeah, but let's get out of this field first.

I'll do it when we get to the harbour.

-Maybe I'll do the pushing.

-Good idea.

If I get out now, I might start running and never stop.

Push harder!

You reverse harder.

I don't want to get mud all over you.

Just rev it, it's going nowhere near me.

Oh, great(!)

Make a U-turn where possible.

That sat nav will kick in in a minute.

What was wrong with good old-fashioned maps?

Well, there's one in the side pocket

if you're feeling confident, Catweazle.

This is of Inverness and the Scottish Highlands.

Well, don't worry. Keep driving for a bit.

It'll probably come in useful.

If we miss this ferry, it'll be your fault.

Well, don't worry, Miss Perfect.

If we miss the ferry, you can just walk across the water.

Keep guessing, Mummy. It begins with B.

Still feel sick.

SINISTER LAUGH

Is it bath? B for bath?

Stop being silly. Mummy, tell him.

Stop arguing in the back.

Stop arguing in the front.

Hang on, look. The sat nav's reconfiguring.

I really feel sick.

Just try and think of something else, Benji.

Yeah, think about what great fun you'll have on the ferry,

bobbing about on the ocean waves.

BENJI MOANS

Actually, stop thinking about that. It'll be very calm.

-You'll have lots of fun.

-Is there a play area?

Yes, in premium, but Daddy didn't pay for that.

Maybe you can stand outside and watch the other children playing.

Oh, Daddy, it's not fair.

Well done. Tell them about the time I shot the puppy.

I really don't feel well.

-Can you slow down on the bends?

-You're making him worse.

Continue straight ahead for half a mile.

There you go. Told you. It's reconfigured.

FANFARE

Who's the daddy? Daddy's the daddy.

-Lee.

-What?

The sat nav says we're going to get there at ten to seven.

Your short cut means we're going to miss the last check-in.

PIERCING SHRIEK

Don't worry. I can still get us there.

-I can make up the time.

-Oh, it's fine, kids.

Daddy knows a wormhole in the fabric of space and time.

-ALL:

-Hurray!

Oh, Mummy, I'm not well.

Maybe we should stop.

Slow down, speed up, stop - this is like when we're in bed.

I feel sick.

Yeah, that one rings a bell, too.

Keep guessing, Mummy. Something that begins with B.

Blood, bones, bandages, brutally bludgeoned brain, bashing, burial.

I can't see those things.

Keep watching, darling.

Stop the car.

Look, Benji, do you FEEL sick or are you actually going to BE sick?

Benji?

VOMITING

Please tell me that was a sound effect.

Mummy, it went all over me.

Oh, God.

It's OK, sweetheart.

Is that it, Benji, or is there any more?

VOMITING

Thanks for that, Lee.

At least he missed your wedding outfit.

I am thrilled to be doing this journey

with someone who's so upbeat.

Any more, Benji?

Don't keep encouraging him. Stop the car.

I can't stop the car.

Oh, I'm sorry, Keanu Reeves,

I forgot we were in the middle of a remake of Speed.

We have to make up time, not lose it.

You have to stop! The smell is unbearable.

I'll open the window.

CHILDREN SCREAM

It's freezing!

Well, you've got a choice - to be freezing cold or the smell of vomit.

If that doesn't sum up marriage, I don't know what does.

Close it.

Stop the car.

We can't stop the car cos we'll miss the ferry, and you can't

miss the ferry cos you'll miss your cousin's wedding, remember?

I wish I'd missed ours.

Shall I stop the car, then?

No, just carry on.

I'll see if I can hold my breath for the next ten miles.

Maybe I will slow down, then.

We'll clean up once we've checked in. We'll find a bathroom.

I'll tell you where they have nice bathrooms.

Don't tell me. Is it by any chance the premium lounge?

-Yes, it bloody is.

-It's a waste of money.

I'll tell you what's a waste of money -

buying five tickets to France, then missing the ferry to go

on a magical mystery tour of rural England.

All right. We're all in the same boat.

No, we're not. That's the problem.

Oh, great(!) Now the sat nav says we've lost two more minutes.

-I don't believe this.

-Oh, well, don't worry.

When you divorce me, you can get on the ferry on your own

as much as you like with your precious bikes.

That's it.

What, have you got your lawyer on speed dial?

We phone Channel Ferries again and book you in as a foot passenger.

Then when we get there, you take the bikes off the roof

and wheel them on, and I'll drive the car on, which will now be less

than 1.85 metres high, so we're all eligible for the later check-in.

So instead of being... seven minutes late,

we're now going to be... eight minutes early.

I wondered how long it'd take you to work that out.

Welcome to Channel Ferries.

Please use your keypad to type your ten-digit booking reference,

or, if you are a premium ticket hol...

So why do I have to be the one that looks like a lunatic,

wheeling three bikes on by meself?

I'm going to look like me family have disowned me.

Well, it'll be good practice.

And now we've got extra time, we can stop and clean up this mess.

We're not even thinking about stopping until I've spoken to them

and I know we can change it.

You're not speaking to them again. What if it's the same person?

It's not going to be the same person, is it?

Hello. Channel Ferries. George speaking.

How may I help you?

-Hello again, George.

-Oh, it's you again, sir.

Let me guess - you've called to ask

whether your wing mirrors count towards the width of the car.

-Look, about earlier...

-We do have a strict policy

of not tolerating abuse towards our staff, sir.

I can't apologise enough.

True, but you could make a start.

I'm sorry. I am really sorry.

Good, because we treat these issues very seriously.

And so do I.

FARTING SOUND EFFECT

So, how may I help you this time, sir?

Right, what it is, is this, George -

I would like to change one of our adult tickets to

a foot passenger ticket carrying on three bikes.

Please.

Would that be possible, George?

Of course. We strive to be as flexible as possible.

Oh, that is wonderful. Thank you very much indeed.

I can book you on for next Wednesday at 3pm.

What about tonight?

Tonight we're fully booked, sir.

PIERCING SHRIEK

But the thing is,

I'm not actually asking you to book an extra passenger, am I?

It's the same amount of passengers - I just won't be in the car.

I understand, sir,

but once the system is full, it won't accept any new bookings.

Must be something you can do.

I'm afraid not.

Oh, I'm sure there is.

What do you suggest I do, sir?

Well, seeing as you're so flexible,

maybe you could take your ferry and stick it up your...

PIERCING SHRIEK

Like I said, sir, we don't tolerate abuse against our staff,

so I'll say goodbye.

Wait, George, before you go, I want to apologise

for my husband's attitude. I'm afraid he has a certain condition,

which makes him socially awkward.

He's a knobhead.

Yes, well, he is a little abrasive.

You should try being married to him.

That's a generous offer, madam,

but I feel I've spent more than my fair share of time with him already.

Oh, George, what are you like?

Well, you don't have to be crazy to do my job, but it helps.

Sounds like my marriage.

At least I get to clock off in the evening.

Oh, George. You know what? I like you.

-You're funny.

-Thank you.

I'm not changing your booking.

Look - please, George, I'm begging you.

My husband is a stupid, rude idiot, and I'm sorry, OK?

But if we don't get a later check-in, we might miss this ferry,

and I am maid of honour at my cousin's wedding.

If you could find it in your heart to help us,

I would be eternally grateful.

The power to change our lives is in your hands.

Please, George, help us. You're our only hope.

Well, there might be one thing I could try.

Anything. You can even put my husband

in the hold with the bikes, if you like, George.

Why not just put a rubber ring round me and tow me along behind the boat?

Is that a possibility, George?

If you cancelled your existing booking,

that would release five tickets back into the system.

You could then re-book them as one party of four

and one foot passenger.

That's a brilliant idea.

-How come I was never offered that option?

-Sorry, sir,

I was too busy tolerating abuse to think creatively.

I should warn you, though - once your original tickets are

cancelled, there's no 100% guarantee that you'll be able to re-book them.

What?

We always have lots of people waiting on standby at the terminal.

What, so you're saying we could lose our tickets altogether?

Unless you re-book very quickly.

And if we do re-book quickly?

You'll probably be fine.

-Probably.

-Yes, probably.

I don't like that word.

What word would you like?

-"Definitely."

-OK, you'll definitely

be probably fine.

Are you deliberately trying to wind me up?

No, sir, but given your previous attitude,

I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a pleasing side effect.

OK, let's do it.

Oh, God.

So you're ready to cancel?

-And re-book.

-Yes, we are.

As soon as you say to me the word "cancel", I am going to

press this button, and that's it - your original booking will be lost.

OK.

There's no going back at that point.

I understand.

Are you quite sure you want me to do this?

Sorry, am I talking to Chris Tarrant here?

Yes, we are ready.

OK. Whenever you're ready,

say the word "cancel", and I'll cancel the booking.

BOTH: Cancel.

Hello? George?

DISTORTED SPEECH

Oh, God. The signal's gone.

Quick, Charlie, pass me my phone.

-It's stopped working.

-What?

The battery's gone.

-Is it B for battery?

-No!

Why the hell did you let him play with it?

It's not fair. I want to play with the phone.

Don't worry.

If you want to see an angry bird, just keep looking at your mother.

I spy with my little eye, something beginning with B.

For the love of God, will somebody guess it?

Breakdown. Mental bloody breakdown.

I still feel sick.

Just get me to some phone reception, quick.

Can we all have a nice little singsong and stop shouting, please?

-HEAD, SHOULDERS KNEES AND TOES PLAYS

-B, B, B, B, B.

-Bridge.

-No, guess again.

Why the hell could you not just have read the booking form properly?

I wish I'd read the terms and conditions on our

marriage certificate properly. "If you are happy to spend

"the rest of your life being blamed for everything, please tick here."

-Begins with B!

-Bridge!

-You just said that.

-Bridge!

Mummy, he's trying to annoy me.

That's because all men are hideous.

-Bridge!

-Stop it, Charlie. It's not bridge!

Can we all stop shouting, please?

-Bridge!

-She just said it's not bridge!

I feel sick!

-But, Daddy!

-Yes, Charlie, what is it?

Bridge!

Is everyone all right?

-ALL:

-Yes.

Sorry. What is it you wanted to say, Charlie?

I think we're going to crash into that bridge.

Thanks, son.

Tell you what - it's a lot easier

getting those bikes off the roof than it is putting them on.

At least we're lower than 1.85 metres now.

Shame we cancelled that booking.

Unless the phone cut out before he heard us say it.

What?

Well, we don't know exactly when the phone cut out.

It's possible he didn't hear us say "cancel".

That means we might still be booked on the ferry.

And that we have an extra 15 minutes to get there,

because we're now a low vehicle.

What time would that make last check-in?

7:15.

Charlie, what time does it say we're going to get there on the sat nav?

7:15.

BOTH: Back in the car!

-ALL SHOUTING:

-Wait! Wait! Wait!

-HORN BEEPING

Stop! Stop, please!

We're here. Let us on.

What is that smell?

It's a new fragrance from L'Oreal.

It's called having kids.

Well, I'm sorry. Check-in's closed. Ferry's ready to depart.

Well, it hasn't departed, has it? You can let us on.

Sorry, nothing I can do.

Please.

I know I stink of sick and it looks like we've ram-raided Halfords,

but we are nice people and we have been through hell to get here.

No British person has ever fought harder to get to Cherbourg,

and, yes, I include 1944 in that.

At least during Operation Overlord, the Allies didn't have to

sing Head, Shoulders, Knees And Toes.

Please. I have to get to my cousin's wedding.

I have to see the start of a marriage -

the happy bit, with cake and dancing.

Please!

OK, OK.

If you promise to let go of me, I'm sure I can sneak one more on.

(Thank you.)

Booking reference?

Well, here's the interesting thing.

You see, a few miles back, we sort of phoned and cancelled the booking,

although we might not have done, in which case we want to keep it.

But if we have cancelled it, we want to make it un-cancelled.

Well, you're either booked on or you're not,

and if you're not, then you're not getting on.

Looking forward to reading this novel when you've finished it.

-Here we are.

-METRONOME

I can confirm, in fact...

..you're still booked on.

BOTH: Yes!

CHILDREN CHEER

See, I told you.

The phone must have cut off and he didn't hear us say "cancel".

Oh, no, he must have definitely heard you say it,

cos there's a note here from an operator called George,

saying he tried to cancel it, but the system wouldn't let him.

Why not?

Well, he obviously didn't realise the rules.

Last-minute cancellations are for premium passengers only.

Which we are not.

Just drive.

We made it! Three cheers for Daddy's driving.

Hip-hip...

VOMITING

Great(!) All over my wedding outfit.

So that's a new dress AND new bikes we have to buy.

Hang on. Molly,

it's not B for bikes, is it?

Yeah, Daddy wins!

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #