Hot Tub Not Going Out

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out # We are not going out. #

Thank you, Lucy, that was delicious.

Pleasure. It's just nice to cook a proper meal for adults.

The kids are such fussy eaters.

Yes, Anna, how was your gluten-free, non-lactose, low-carb,

-organic salad?

-Toby's jealous because I listen to my body.

I have to listen to Lee's body all the time.

Mummy, I weed the bed.

Oh, good, the after-dinner speaker's arrived.

Well, are you going to sort it out?

She said, "Mummy, I've weed the bed."

It was me that did it last time.

I know, and I had to clean it up.

Mummy!

Coming!

Typical. Toby doesn't do anything at home, either.

Sorry?

Oh, come on!

Every time Jack makes a mess it's always me

who has to tell the nanny to pick it up.

You're too busy gallivanting with your celebrity friends.

Have you told Lee who you had dinner with last night?

Who?

Who is the last person you can imagine Toby enjoying a night out with?

Don't say it.

Emma Bunton.

As in Spice Girl Emma Bunton?

Yeah, the more famous pop rivet welder Emma Bunton wasn't available.

How come?

Cos a new steel factory in Rotherham required her services.

We're doing some fundraising for a new wing at the hospital.

She's become a patron of the charity.

She's very nice, actually.

I know she's very nice. You don't have to tell me.

She was always the sexiest Spice Girl.

She's just so...feminine.

They were all feminine.

Come on! Two of them are called Mel and the other two are Vic and Geri.

They'd have been a darts team if it wasn't for Emma.

She's amazing. You know what I'm talking about, right?

You're met her.

I suppose so. She's not really my type.

That's true. You usually go for posh and scary.

Are we to take it that Emma Bunton is your hot tub fantasy date, Lee?

Oh, here we go.

Oh, stop being so boring.

It's only a bit of harmless fun.

So, the way it works is you get to choose one celebrity

to spend a fantasy evening with in a hot tub.

So, for me it would be Tom Hardy.

I thought it was Brad Pitt.

It was Brad Pitt. Now it's Tom Hardy.

Just me and Tom and a bottle of bubbly.

Oh, and maybe I'd need some handcuffs.

You'd definitely need some handcuffs,

or at the very least something to sedate him.

Toby's just jealous because every time we play I'm always able

to think of new exciting people,

and he always says the same boring old answer.

Who?

I find this whole game rather distasteful, to be honest.

-Come on. Who?

-There's something rather tawdry...

Tell him.

Susie Dent from Countdown's Dictionary Corner.

Nothing untoward.

Just a bit of stimulating chat.

You're supposed to be having sex with her, Toby.

Actually, as a medical professional,

I would advise strongly against having intercourse in a hot tub.

It's a breeding ground for Legionnaires' disease.

Well, I wouldn't waste any time chatting with Tom Hardy,

let me tell you.

Oh, he doesn't know what he's missing.

I bet Lee wouldn't be talking to Emma Bunton.

Damn right we wouldn't be talking.

And if we were, it'd just be sweet nothings and romantic small talk.

There's a pile of wet sheets in the bath.

They stink of pee and so does Molly.

And I'm back in the room.

We've just been playing a game with Lee.

You pick someone to have a romantic evening in a hot tub with,

and it's your turn.

Oh! Who did you pick?

You first.

Well, obviously me first, but who after me?

Come on. Who? I won't be offended.

It's just a game.

Um... Well, I suppose if I have to say, then I would pick...

..Michael Lorenzo.

Who?

Oh, you won't know him. He's my dentist.

Can't choose your dentist.

Why not?

It's supposed to be a celebrity.

Oh.

Mine would be Hugh Jackman.

You just said Tom Hardy!

And now I'm saying Hugh Jackman.

It doesn't mean Tom Hardy has to get out.

So who did you choose?

Emma Bunton.

Oh, good choice. She's a very attractive woman.

Oh, yeah, it's easy to be unbothered when it's someone famous.

-You'd feel differently if it was someone I knew.

-No, I wouldn't.

All right, I want to change my mind. Forget Emma Bunton.

I want to spend the night in a hot tub with...Anna.

You'd be lucky to find any room.

So what does he look like, then?

Who?

You know who.

Oh, I don't know. Like a dentist.

Bit older than me. Grey hair.

The boyfriend you had before me was older with grey hair,

and you fancied him.

I'm just saying you should have chosen a celebrity.

OK, fine.

I'd love to lie naked in a hot tub with George Clooney.

Then we can dry off and he can give me both barrels

on a rug in front of a fire in an isolated crofter's cottage

in the Highlands, pushing my buttons like I'm an espresso machine.

Happy now?

Interesting. Clooney. Older. Grey hair.

Just like your dentist.

Only you don't go and see George Clooney all the time.

I have to go and see my dentist.

It's called a check-up.

Oh, come on. Who goes for a check-up every six months?

The hell has got into you?

I'm completely fine about you choosing Emma Bunting.

It's Bunton, not Bunting.

She's a Spice Girl, not a street party.

And that is completely different because I've never met her.

Don't look at me like that.

I know loads of blokes who wouldn't be happy about their wife

fantasising about seeing their dentist.

I do not. I sometimes fantasise about you seeing the dentist.

Well, I might just do that. Check him out for myself.

-I'm going to book an appointment first thing in the morning.

-Fine.

And while you're at it, I've also got

a crush on the gym owner and anyone who trims nasal hair.

< Mind how you go.

You can book your next check-up at reception.

Thank you.

Hello. Come on in.

Thanks.

Make yourself comfortable.

HE BURPS

I'm so sorry. How embarrassing.

It's fine. It's really, really, really fine.

I apologise for the aroma.

I'm not allowed to eat garlic at home.

My boyfriend hates it.

You know what?

I'm not usually keen on coming to the dentist, but I like you.

Thank you.

But I'm afraid you won't actually be seeing me today.

I was just filling in for his last patient.

You'll be seeing my colleague Michael. Michael Lorenzo.

Talk of the devil.

But he's beautiful!

Thanks, big guy. I owe you.

OK, let's have a look.

So, why haven't we seen you here before?

Well, my wife makes up for it.

She's a season ticket holder.

Hang on. Your wife.

She's not Lucy, is she?

Yeah.

I thought I recognised your surname. Yeah, Lucy. Lovely girl.

Never said she was married, though.

OK.

First check-up in several years.

Who's a naughty boy, then?

You tell me.

Two fillings. What a con.

He's just trying to make a few quid.

Nothing wrong with my teeth.

Sugar?

Yeah, three.

You know, it's quite common for people to fantasise about

their dentists, nurses, surgeons.

When I was a doctor at Moorfields, several patients had crushes on me.

Moorfields, the eye hospital?

Yeah. But you picked Emma Bunton. She picked the dentist.

What's the difference?

There is a huge difference, and well you know it.

In fact, I reckon that's the exact reason you chose Susie Dent.

What?

You chose her because you know you'll never meet her,

so it's a safe bet to say it in front of Anna.

It's the exact same reason Anna chose Tom Hardy and Hugh Jackman.

-And Brad Pitt.

-Exactly.

And Daniel Craig, Damien Lewis, and Antonio Banderas,

and Michael Fassbender, and Rob Lowe...

The point is...

..and Christian Bale, and Jude Law, and Russell Crowe,

and Leonardo DiCaprio...

Exactly. She chose them because...

Kevin Costner, Daniel Day-Lewis...

How long is this list?

Oh, it's quite long. Yeah.

Ends with Chas and Dave and the tall one from the Chuckle Brothers.

Point is, you're both playing safe cos you'll never meet

any of these people. Trust me, you'd both think differently if it was

somebody you knew, because it's against the rules if you know them.

Well, there's your answer, then.

If you want Lucy to see things from your point of view you need

to become a member of the Spice Girls and get to know Emma Bunton.

Don't worry.

You wouldn't clash with any of them on stage,

cos you're not ginger, you're not sporty,

you're not particularly scary, and you're definitely not posh.

Although you do act a bit like a baby.

Hang on, you're onto something here.

If I could get to meet Emma Bunton I'd be on a level playing field with Lucy.

When are you next seeing her?

Well, there's a fundraiser this weekend, but...

I can't just invite people in off the street,

and even if I could, I wouldn't ask you.

I'd rather invite... people in off the street.

Please, Toby. I've got a point to prove here.

Oh, God.

Can't you just make my life simple and do your other idea?

Have sex with my wife.

You look smart, Lee.

Are McDonald's interviewing?

So, today's the big day, hey?

Yup.

Do you think you'll actually get to talk to her?

Who?

You know who.

Maybe. Why? Does it bother you?

Not in the slightest. I am genuinely pleased for you, Lee.

Is that right?

Am I not reacting the way you want?

What do you want me to say, Lee?

Can you please say that again, just one more time?

What do you want?

# Yo I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want

# So tell me what you want, what you really, really want

# I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want

# So tell me what you want, what you really, really want

# I wanna (ha) I wanna (ha) I wanna (ha) I wanna (ha)

# I wanna really, really, really wanna zigazig ah. #

That is so childish.

I can't believe he's bothering to goad you

when it's so clear it's having absolutely no effect.

I know!

As if I'd be bothered about Emma Bunton,

even if she is "so feminine".

How do you know he said that about her?

You were upstairs changing the bedsheets when he said that.

Was I?

Well, Lee's voice travels in this house.

It hitches a ride with the smell.

So, how come you didn't also hear that the rules of the game

are you have to pick someone famous?

OK, I heard everything, all right?

About how he wants to whisper sweet nothings in gorgeous Emma Bunton's ear, and I thought,

"Right, well, two can play at that game," so I decided to go one better

and choose someone who was not only good-looking but that I also knew.

You deliberately made him jealous. You're as bad as each other.

So?

It worked, and it got him to go to the dentist.

This is all very pleasant, isn't it?

Let's keep it that way, yeah?

Don't worry. I'm not going to embarrass you.

Are they free?

Oh, my God. There she is. There's Emma Bunton.

That's really her, right? It's not just one of those lookalikes.

Maybe we should ask her to sing.

If she can do it, we'll know it's not a real Spice Girl.

What should I say to her when I meet her?

She's just a normal person who likes normal conversations

and has a normal sense of humour.

So you're saying I should just crack a few jokes?

I am absolutely not saying that.

So what should I say, then?

Just don't say anything too...

Don't say anything too what?

Just don't say anything to...her.

No chance.

I'm getting a selfie with the Bunts and I'm going to send it to Lucy

and wind my wife up like a clockwork monkey.

At least you're winding your women up nowadays.

You used to just blow them up.

And thank you again. £20,000 will make such a huge difference.

Toby!

-Emma.

-Lovely to see you again.

One kiss or two?

Let's do it the French way.

You have got to be kidding me!

Hi, Lee, I'm Emma.

I mean, you're Emma.

Emma Bunton, the most amazing and most beautiful,

talented singer in the whole of the Spice Girls.

Anyway, Emma's got some charity mugging to do,

so we should probably let her mingle.

She is mingling, with me, a potential donor.

I'm the minglee, she's the minger...mingler.

Come on.

You go. I'll be over in a second.

I just want to get a selfie with Emma, if that's all right.

Always happy to help the donors.

Thanks. My wife is going to be so jealous.

She loves you almost as much as going to the dentist.

Nice.

Better get close. I've got very short arms.

Closer.

What do you think? Is that a bit compromising?

No, of course not.

You're right, it's rubbish. Let's do another.

Actually, can I ask you a cheeky favour, Emma?

Is there any chance of a little kiss on the cheek?

Er, well...

Come on, think of the sick kiddies.

How much are you donating?

Five?

5,000?

Well, yeah, if you mean 5,000 pence.

That's £50.

Is it? I thought it was a fiver.

All right, £50.

Well, seeing as you're a friend of Toby's...

Thanks.

Three, two, one...

Mmm!

That is brilliant.

I can't wait for my wife to see this.

That is the best £50 I have ever spent.

You were robbed, mate.

Look, it's not just that he's meeting Emma Bunton.

It's the fact that he's spent all week trying to wind me up,

doing stupid little things.

Like what?

MUSIC: "Spice Up Your Life" by The Spice Girls

Like changing my ring tone.

Oh, it's a text from Lee.

What the...?

Blimey. Fast mover.

Toby would still be asking Susie Dent her favourite preposition.

I'm going to kill him.

Lucy, think for a moment.

If you grind him down for long enough he'll kill himself.

Maybe you should calm down before you phone him.

Oh, I'm not phoning Lee. That'll play right into his hands.

Hello?

I need to book an immediate appointment to see Michael Lorenzo, please.

Tell him fun-time Lucy needs an emergency drilling.

Yeah, I never go to the doctor's, me.

Fit as a fiddle. Never get ill, never catch anything.

Well, just the occasional cold sore.

Anyway, it's, er, been lovely chatting. I'll see you later.

You got your selfie, then. I saw you.

It was like watching an octopus eating a Barbie doll.

Yeah, well, it didn't work, did it? Lucy still hasn't responded.

Well, never mind.

Let's see if we can get you into a threesome with Mel B and Mel C,

cause a "Mel A."

Save the wordplay crap in case you ever meet Susie Dent.

I'm so sorry for wasting your time.

Lucy, you never waste my time.

The pain was probably just a bit of food that got lodged in your tooth.

Have a rinse.

I saw your husband this week.

You never mentioned you were married.

Well, it's not really a marriage.

It's more like a murder-suicide pact with jewellery.

Actually, Michael, before I go, can I ask you a favour?

Anything you like, Lucy.

I know it's really silly, but I've got this friend who's got

a thing for men in white coats, so we've got this sort of

competition going, who can get the best selfie with a white-coated man.

-Sounds fun.

-It is.

The best I've managed so far is a painter and decorator and two beekeepers.

Funny thing is, I ended up getting stung by the painter and decorator.

-Ha-ha-ha!

-Oh!

Oh, what am I like?

So, um, could I...?

Well, of course. Get over here.

Well, actually, why don't you, er, get on the chair with me,

you know, bit of fun?

Here we go! Scream if you want to go faster.

And smile for the camera.

Great. See you in six months.

Well, this afternoon has been extremely successful.

Today's offer of donations alone will pay for

a waiting area for the new wing, and thanks to your offer we can

now afford to put a few magazines in there, too.

It's not been a complete success, has it?

Lucy still hasn't texted back.

Oh, grow up, Lee.

There's no time for petty little jealousies in a marriage.

That is rich coming from a man who had to make up

a hot tub fantasy just to stop his wife getting jealous.

You still think that's why I picked Susie Dent,

because really I fancy Emma Bunton?

Of course it is. You've seen how sexy Emma is,

but you can't admit it to Anna because you personally know Emma.

I didn't pick Emma cos I don't fancy her.

Course you fancy her. She's Emma Bunton, for God's sake!

She was grown in a laboratory out of kittens and boobs.

BEEP

-A-ha-ha.

-At last, a text from Lucy.

I knew it would work.

Is that a painter and decorator?

It's not a painter and decorator. It's a dentist.

And I assume from your reaction that's Michael Lorenzo.

Yes, because when she sends me pictures of her rolling round

with other dentists, I'm perfectly fine about it.

What the hell are they doing?

Maybe he's trying a novel way to get her to say, "Ah."

Oh, come on. It's perfectly obvious what she's doing.

She's getting her own back, and I don't blame her.

It's exactly the same as you did to her.

No, it's not. This is a lot worse.

Well, I'm not taking it lying down.

She is.

Ah, here she is. Emma, thank you so much for today.

You were great.

Can I, er, arrange a car for you?

Oh, there's no need.

I'm going to hang out at the hotel spa,

maybe soak in the hot tub for a bit.

I'll see you later.

Don't even think about it.

Hello!

It's not me making those bubbles, by the way.

You know what, Emma, whilst you're here,

I don't suppose I could ask one final favour, could I?

I don't think you should be in here with a camera.

Oh, I take it with me everywhere.

You never know when you're going to meet a famous celebrity.

I've had 'em all, me - Elton John outside Wembley Arena,

Ant and Dec at the Brits, Chesney Hawkes at Aldi.

Go on, one quick selfie then I promise I'll go away and leave you alone to...broil.

This is definitely the last one.

Definitely.

No sudden lip action.

None. No diving, no bombing, no heavy petting.

OK. Make it quick.

Oh, thanks, Emma.

You were always my favourite, the real talent, the Ken Barlow.

What?

I mean Gary. OK, here we go.

Three, two...

Is that all right?

Well, at least I can see where it is.

One.

Perfect!

Right. See how you like these onions.

Where are you sending that?

Nowhere, honest. This is just for my own personal private use.

That's reassuring.

You didn't have to wait and drive me home, Anna.

It's fine. Anything to get a glimpse of Mikey the dentist.

He's got a bit of a wicked glint in his eye.

I wonder if he's seen Fifty Shades Of Grey.

Only when he looked at Lee's teeth.

MUSIC: "Spice Up Your Life"

Oh, here we go.

I knew it wouldn't be long before he took the bait.

This charity event - where is it?

It's just round the corner from here, actually.

Can you take me there, please? And quickly.

Lee's about to drown.

I thought you said you were getting out.

Will in a minute. Just waiting for something.

Can't you just think of John McCririck and wrap a towel round you?

Thought I'd find you here. Get out.

Don't listen to him, Emma.

You've got as much right to be here as the next man.

Get out.

What, so you can take my place?

I knew that dictionary woman was a cover story.

You're a dark horse, aren't you?

Or as Susie Dent would say, a charcoal-shaded equine quadruped.

Will you please leave?

By that look on your face you've clearly got what you were after.

I beg your pardon?

Sorry, I didn't mean that.

What did you mean?

I mean, he only asked me to invite him here today

so he could meet you to get his wife jealous.

Then why did you invite him?

She's got a point.

Sorry, how come this has suddenly turned into me being the problem?

Because I came here today to help raise funds for a hospital wing,

not to impress your groupie mates.

Yeah, all right, big head. I'm not a groupie.

I'm here for the music, not just the Spice Girls.

I move with the times. I've got other cassettes.

Oh! Hello, love. What a nice surprise.

Me and Emma were just about to order champagne.

Er, no, we weren't.

She prefers Babycham.

What the hell are you doing here?

-What the hell am

-I

-doing here?

-What the hell am

-I

-doing here?

What the hell were you doing at the dentist, again?

Lee, will you please show some dignity?

I've got dignity!

Eyes off the prize, Bunton.

Well done.

Why is everyone suddenly having a go at me?

Because you should never have invited him!

You never invite me to these things.

You should have just said no to him.

Especially given you knew what he was up to.

Yeah, Toby.

I've had enough of this.

Well, if you can't beat 'em...

Happy now?

You started it.

No, I didn't.

Well, you sort of did, Lucy.

You should have just said Brad Pitt, or Tom Hardy, or Hugh Jackman,

or Daniel Craig.

I can't believe you're blaming me. You shouldn't have started playing the stupid game in the first place.

Don't start on me, Lucy.

This is both your faults, nobody else's.

Well, maybe Toby's, but I'll deal with him later.

Just me, or will the whole of Hollywood be there?

You're a couple of silly, little, immature children,

with stupid, petty jealousies.

You should be ashamed of yourselves, both of you.

Hi there, Toby. Mind if I join you?

Sorry I couldn't get to say hello at the function.

I got cornered by a crazy fan.

You know what they can be like.

This is my wife, Anna.

Anna, I'd like you to meet another of our charity patrons,

Susie Dent, from Countdown.

Hello.

You never told me you were married.

Didn't I?

HUMS COUNTDOWN MUSIC

I didn't really fancy Emma Bunton that much in real life.

Bit offish.

Well, you know what they say - never meet your heroes...

in a giant bathtub, in your underpants.

They never want to talk to the little people.

Yeah, all right. That hot tub was colder than it looked.

You know there's nothing going on

-between Toby and Susie Dent, don't you?

-Course I do.

So does Anna, but she's still not happy he's lived out his hot tub fantasy.

I don't think his fantasy involved Anna jumping in the water and dragging him out by the hyperboles.

I'm changing dentists, by the way.

You don't need to, honestly.

No, I want to.

He's a bit too flirty,

and I don't like where he's been putting his hands.

Where?

In your mouth.

I'm sorry, Lucy.

Me, too.

Sleep well.

And you.

I tell you what - that Susie Dent looked good in a swimsuit.

Ow!

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #