Charlie Not Going Out


Charlie

Sitcom. Lee is worried that Charlie is getting a reputation at school for being the class clown.


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Transcript


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# We're not going out

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# Not staying in

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# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

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# But there is no need to scream and shout

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# We're not going out

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# We are not going out. #

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Charlie's got his school report.

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It's brilliant.

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Shouldn't I be the one getting the kiss?

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We're switching things around this year.

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You get put in a box and stored in the attic.

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With the others(!)

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A. A. A.

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He's got the Scouse hat trick.

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Hang on, what's this?

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"Miss Anstis, English, C."

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We don't want all As, do we?

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We don't want to have to start doing a paternity test.

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"Despite reasonable grades,

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"I am concerned that Charlie is in danger of becoming the class clown."

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Oh, ignore her. Miss Anstis is a bit...uptight.

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-We need to go and see her, find out what Charlie has been up to.

-We?

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Schooling is usually my thing,

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like getting rid of spiders and keeping the kids alive.

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I get involved in school stuff.

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I helped raise money with that cake stall.

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Helping is baking and selling, not buying and eating.

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-I'm not kidding, Lucy.

-OK, fine.

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We'll go and pick up Charlie together tomorrow and go and see

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Miss Anstis, but I'm telling you now he's absolutely fine.

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Tell me that when he's living under a bridge sniffing glue.

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I just about tolerate those Haircut 100 albums,

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but will you please update your drug references?

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I missed those little toilets.

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Oh, bring back memories of school days?

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No, I mean literally missed them. It went everywhere.

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Yeah, all right!

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Have you tried to pee and crouch at the same time?

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Yeah. I wonder what that must be like(!)

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Mum, I'm just going to see Izzy.

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BLOWS RASPBERRY AT HER

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That's sweet.

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Yeah, and yet when I do that to women...

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Right, come on, we need to get to Florence Nightingale.

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The classrooms - they're all named after British historical figures.

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What happened to classrooms having numbers, and canes,

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and little piles of sawdust covering up sick?

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Well, things have changed,

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which you'd have noticed if you were a bit more involved in school life.

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I am involved.

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Excuse me, I'm looking for my son's teacher, Miss Anstis.

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I am Miss Anstis.

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Sorry, didn't recognise you without your...cakes.

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-Wait here. No messing about.

-OK.

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-I was talking to Charlie.

-Right.

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LAUGHTER

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I knew we shouldn't have touched that bottle that said "drink me".

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So, er, Charlie's school report?

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I'm afraid Charlie does have a tendency

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to draw attention to himself.

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Today, for example, he disrupted lessons by coughing.

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Coughing?

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She means on purpose, Lucy. It's a classroom classic.

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They were doing that back in my day.

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Back in your day they probably had TB.

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Charlie was trying to make the class laugh.

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He does that sort of thing a lot.

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Do you know what he called me last week instead of Miss Anstis?

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LAUGHTER

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Miss...Ant's Tits?

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No. He called me Morag.

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-Well, that's not nice.

-That's my name.

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Obviously he found out and decided to say it for silly, comic effect,

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and I think it's disrespectful.

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Course it is, and just now when I said...

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..ant's tits.

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Just because your name sounds like...

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-Not saying you've got, you know...

-Fingers on lips.

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I've tried to explain to Charlie

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that it'll be him that suffers in the long run.

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Course it will, Miss AnSTIS.

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For instance, we're about to be visited by the children's author

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Johnny Lucas for a storytelling contest.

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Each class selects a child to read a story.

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The winning school gets £1,000 worth of books

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and the winning child gets a trip to Legoland.

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I was considering Charlie to read for our class.

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Oh, that's great.

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As I say... WAS.

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I'm afraid Charlie's story just went for cheap laughs

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and was entirely inappropriate.

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Perhaps I should read a little bit to you.

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I must warn you, the language is very vivid

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and you may deem it unsuitable for a child.

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Oh, well, at least he's written a warning.

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"'Hooray,' cried the little boy,

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"as the witch was bludgeoned to death when the woodsman smashed up

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"her stupid, ugly, smelly face that looked like a cow's bum."

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"Bludgeoned." That's a good word.

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"Then the little boy took the woodsman's axe and chopped

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"the stupid witch's stinky, old, fat, blobby body up

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"and put her in the pot of boiling water."

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I blame Heston Blumenthal.

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"One by one he threw the bleeding body parts into the cauldron."

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Cauldron spelled with two Os.

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"First he threw in her fat arms,

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"then he threw in her horrible hairy legs, then he threw in her

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"stinky, slimy intestines,

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"and her massively monstrous butt cheeks.

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"Then, finally, he threw in...

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"her foo-foo."

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How many Os in foo-foo?

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OK, look, so his story was a bit rough around the edges,

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but he's seven. He's not TS Eliot.

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I know he's not. I'm not an idiot.

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No-one expects him to be as good as her.

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Didn't you hear it?

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Chopping up her gizzards and cutting off her legs?

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Who cares? She's a witch.

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It's not like he kidnapped the local choirgirl,

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put cigarettes out on her arms, then buried her in a shallow grave.

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Where does Charlie get his dark side from?

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Look, are you bothered that he's trying to be the class clown?

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What about the, you know, foo-foo?

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OK, maybe that was a bit silly,

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but it's our fault for teaching him such childish words.

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Yeah, let's teach him some adult terms for it,

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then he can start doing stag dos(!)

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Half the world's got one, Lee.

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Why is society so scared of it when we talk about it?

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The problem is we live in a patriarchal society.

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-Bollocks.

-See? You don't mind mentioning those.

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A Nancy?

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You are a doctor and you call it a Nancy?

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It's my parents' fault.

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They were a bit Victorian in their attitudes.

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As far as they were concerned, it was called a Nancy.

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It was a terrible thing full of teeth and monsters.

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Still, at least I was prepared when I met Anna.

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Bet you never mucked about at school, did you?

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Oh, I wouldn't have dared.

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It was a boarding school.

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Cold showers and ritual beatings.

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Yeah, but look where it got you.

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Yeah, married to Anna - cold showers and ritual beatings.

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I mean, you've got a really good job. I bet your Jack toes the line.

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He'll end up doing a really important job,

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like Prime Minister or TV weatherman.

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You've got quite a limited idea of important jobs, haven't you?

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Stop worrying. What's so wrong about being a bit of a class clown?

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Because I don't want him to end up like...

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-Well, like me.

-I thought you were proud of your background?

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School of hard knocks. Ferret and dripping for breakfast.

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O-levels in greyhound management.

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I didn't get any O-levels, actually.

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Whilst you were off to your fancy university,

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hobnobbing with the toffs, I went to work in a biscuit factory.

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Well, you were sort of hobnobbing.

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Look, why don't you sit down with Lucy and tell her in a calm

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and sensible way that you're worried that Charlie might end up like you?

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As soon as she imagines that apocalyptic scenario,

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she'll have to see sense.

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So what did you call a Nancy when you were growing up?

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Well, I don't know about your other O-levels,

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but I can see why you failed biology.

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What's in the box?

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I've been up in the attic to get some of my old school reports.

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Can you come and sit next to me for a minute?

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Why, is there a spider in there?

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This is the report I got when I was Charlie's age.

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Read the summary on the final page.

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"Sooner or later Lee will learn that joking around will get him nowhere."

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So? We all went through a cheeky phase at school.

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I sometimes used to use a blue pen instead of a black one.

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And this was two years later.

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"Lee is a mediocre student with a mediocre future.

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"I look forward to the day when his unamusing antics are

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"a burden to someone else."

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And this was when I was 15.

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-This isn't a school report.

-Exactly.

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It's my clocking-in card from the biscuit factory.

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I wondered why it had jam on it.

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That's not jam.

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It's blood, from the wearing down of me fingers as I toiled for hours

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on a very tiny wage, in the brutal, harsh conditions

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of a Northern factory.

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-It's jam, isn't it?

-Yes, it's jam, but the point is...

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..I'd ruined any chance of a future all by the age of 15,

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just by mucking around and I do NOT want that to happen to Charlie.

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No.

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Oh, maybe you're right.

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-I think we should sit down and talk to him.

-OK.

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Charlie is always saying, "When I grow up I want to be like me dad."

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And I've told him, "Sorry, son, you can't do both."

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You're not in trouble, Charlie.

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Course not.

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We just want to know why you're being silly at school.

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Cos you're bored in class?

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Is it because you like being funny?

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When she said class clown I didn't realise she meant Marcel Marceau.

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Maybe you're mucking about because

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you want someone in particular to like you?

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Izzy, maybe?

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Mucking about is not how you impress girls, Charlie. Trust me.

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You don't want to end up like...

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like a boy that was at my school.

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He was the class joker, until he got suspended.

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-Suspended?

-What did he do?

-Yeah, what did he do?

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Well, this...boy...

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..was in science class and he was supposed to do a big presentation

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about...flammable gases.

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But instead of just reading out what he was supposed to read,

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he decided to muck about and do a sort of...

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practical experiment.

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What do you mean?

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Well, it just so happens he had a Zippo lighter

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and a bellyful of baked beans.

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He lit his fart! That's SOOO cool!

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No, Charlie, it is not cool, especially given what happened.

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What?

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Put it this way, there was more...

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..solid than gas.

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Urgh!

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-Not cool.

-Exactly.

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The point is, this kid, he had a lot of potential.

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He could have done so many things,

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but instead he ended up ruining his life

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and his trousers.

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I'm sorry that happened to you, Dad.

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What? I'm not talking about me. It wasn't me.

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Dad, I'm seven. I'm not a moron.

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You don't have to be embarrassed...

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-..just because you pooed your pants.

-Please stop talking.

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The point is, there are other ways to impress girls,

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like being chosen to read a story to a famous author.

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Look, we just want you to be happy, son, because we love you.

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OK, Dad, from now on I'm going to do my best to be good.

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Good lad, Charlie.

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We've been married for quite a few years now,

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but what you did just then, what you told Charlie...

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..is the most disgusting thing I've ever heard!

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I was hoping to catch you.

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I'm not sure what it is you said to Charlie, but over the last few days

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he's shown a marked improvement in his behaviour.

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I even insisted he write a brand-new story, and I'm pleased to inform you

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that it contains no unnecessary language, or female genitalia.

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Oh, well, there goes the Channel 4 deal.

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In fact, as a reward for such a turnaround in his behaviour,

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I've selected Charlie as class representative to read

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to our visiting author.

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Oh, my God! That's fantastic!

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Isabella Jenkins, young ladies do not lick boys' faces.

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Yeah. Get him to buy you a drink first.

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Izzy has got a new friend, Jake McKenzie.

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She thinks I'm boring now.

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Well, she's not going to think that when she sees you on that stage

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reading a story to Johnny Lucas, is she?

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The new story isn't as funny as the other one.

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I'm sure it's brilliant.

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-In fact, why don't you read it to us now?

-Yeah, good idea.

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It'll be like a rehearsal for the big day.

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"Once upon a time there was a little boy who met a witch and the

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"witch was very naughty, even though she knew it was wrong to be naughty.

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"The little boy was very good and always helped his mother with

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"the dishes, never ate sweets or watched violent cartoons.

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"One day the boy was walking through the woods...

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"...so the witch was told that for hygiene reasons she must

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"always wash her hands thoroughly, especially after using the bathroom,

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"so she washed them and also made sure not to splash water

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"on the floor when she dried her hands...

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"...and the witch and the woodsman got married and lived in the cottage

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"and she promised to never be naughty ever again

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"and they lived happily ever after. The end."

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I said, "The end."

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Oh, what a fantastic story, son.

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You don't think it's a bit...boring?

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No.

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-Izzy is going to think you are so cool.

-OK, if you say so.

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Right, who wants to watch YouTube videos of old people falling

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down escalators?

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No, it's OK. I'm going to tidy my room.

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Oh, he's probably just a bit tired.

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Funnily enough, I'm not.

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Must have been that refreshing ten-minute nap I had

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during that story.

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PHONE RINGS

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-Hello?

-'Where the hell are you?'

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-His reading starts in about ten minutes.

-Anna's stuck in traffic.

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What do you want me to do, leave our five-year-old twins on their own?

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No, Lee, that was a rhetorical question.

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-How's Charlie?

-Moping around like Morrissey on Mogadon.

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Look, I'll get there as soon as I can, OK? Bye.

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The twins let me in. I could have been anyone.

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I could have been an axe murderer.

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You still might. Don't give up the dream.

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Oh, Anna, look at this.

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Lee wrote it when we first started going out properly.

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"Roses are red, violets are purples,

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"If I give you a quid will you show me your nurples?"

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What are nurples?

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You've got two of them.

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En-suite bathrooms?

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Lee is so hard on himself, and on Charlie, but you know what?

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It was Lee's joking around all the time

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that made me like him in the first place.

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Well, I didn't think it was his good looks, or his job

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or his taste in clothes or his breath.

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This is no fun if you don't join in.

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I've got to go. Thanks, Anna.

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So immature.

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Show starts in five minutes.

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Just because this is extra-curriculum doesn't mean

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that I'll tolerate tardiness.

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Is my story really good, Dad?

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Course it is, son. You're going to take the roof off.

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Like grandad did to that church

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when he got in trouble with the police?

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Good luck, son.

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Oops, busted. Want one?

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No, I'm all right, thanks. Never my thing.

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I used to have a much more disgusting habit as a teenager

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but I'm down to ten-a-day now.

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Johnny. Johnny Lucas.

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Oh, right. The author.

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You looking forward to judging what the kids have written?

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Honestly? Not really, no.

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No, these kids' stories are always so bloody boring.

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Sometimes I think some of these teachers are just knocking

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all the fun out of them, you know?

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It's like the kids have lost the art of just being silly.

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Yeah, but being silly doesn't get you anywhere, does it?

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Well, I don't know.

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It's all I've ever done, muck around, write silly stories.

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Not done me any harm.

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Even got me this - a key to a Bentley Continental.

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Should write another book. You might get the actual car.

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Oh, gotta go. Old Morag looks like a right ball-breaker, eh?

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-Oh, thank God. I've been thinking about Charlie.

-Me too.

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-Being silly, it's not all bad, is it?

-No.

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It's what attracted me to you in the first place, you know,

0:19:400:19:42

the daft jokes.

0:19:420:19:44

-Not the good looks and the charm, then?

-See, that kind of thing.

0:19:440:19:48

Will all parents please take their seats now?

0:19:480:19:52

-Come on, then. Let's get this over with.

-Hang on.

0:19:520:19:55

Our baby boy is about to go on stage and tell the most boring story

0:19:550:19:58

since your mum thought she had shingles

0:19:580:20:00

but it turned out to be the wicker chair.

0:20:000:20:02

So, what can we do?

0:20:020:20:04

I know.

0:20:060:20:08

If you're using the toilets again

0:20:080:20:09

would you please be more careful this time?

0:20:090:20:12

Our caretaker was mopping for hours!

0:20:120:20:14

Mate, I'm looking for a classroom called, um...

0:20:270:20:30

Oh, what's it called?

0:20:300:20:31

You know, woman, nice to soldiers.

0:20:310:20:34

I want to say Joanna Lumley.

0:20:340:20:36

Oh, forget it.

0:20:380:20:41

Right, now, this is storytelling,

0:20:410:20:43

and I want you to bring these stories to life,

0:20:430:20:45

and you are the audience.

0:20:450:20:47

So if you want to laugh, laugh. If you want to cry, cry.

0:20:470:20:50

And, remember, one lucky little brat is going to get a free trip

0:20:500:20:53

to Legoland, and that's not fair on the rest of you, is it, yeah?

0:20:530:20:56

So if you don't like it, give 'em hell, yeah?

0:20:560:20:58

HE CHUCKLES

0:20:580:21:00

Just kidding, you know.

0:21:000:21:02

Just, er, let's try and keep it fairly sensible.

0:21:020:21:05

-Now, before we start, who'd like to hear a poem about poo?

-Yeah!

0:21:050:21:09

Oh, God.

0:21:160:21:18

"'Zap, zap' went the alien warship,

0:21:180:21:21

"as the space captain steered through the astro-belt.

0:21:210:21:25

"Would the alien fleet capture this heroic spaceman,

0:21:250:21:28

"torture him and kill him?"

0:21:280:21:30

We can but hope.

0:21:300:21:32

Jake McKenzie?

0:21:540:21:56

-CHILD READS ALOUD:

-"Trapped in quicksand. Quick, grab that vine."

0:22:080:22:13

(Charlie. Charlie.)

0:22:130:22:16

Indoor voices!

0:22:180:22:20

Where did you get that?

0:22:200:22:22

I just found it...in your desk.

0:22:220:22:26

Look, what if I Tippex over the foo-foo?

0:22:270:22:30

My boy is about to walk out there and humiliate himself

0:22:320:22:34

by telling a really, really boring story.

0:22:340:22:38

Charlie's a good kid.

0:22:380:22:40

OK, sometimes he's a bit silly, but that's not always a bad thing.

0:22:400:22:44

Don't let him walk on that stage and make a fool of himself.

0:22:440:22:48

Please, I am begging you.

0:22:480:22:50

I hope Ofsted downgrade you to "satisfactory".

0:23:050:23:09

Now, next up we have Florence Nightingale class and it's Charlie.

0:23:110:23:16

APPLAUSE

0:23:160:23:20

"Once upon a time there was a little boy who met a witch and the witch

0:23:250:23:30

"was very naughty, even though she knew it was wrong to be naughty."

0:23:300:23:35

Boo!

0:23:350:23:38

Sorry.

0:23:380:23:40

"The little boy was very good, and always helped his mother with

0:23:400:23:43

"the dishes, and never ate sweets or watched violent cartoons."

0:23:430:23:47

Boring!

0:23:470:23:50

"One day the boy was walking through the woods and he met a woodsman."

0:23:500:23:54

SLOW HANDCLAP

0:23:540:23:57

"And the woodsman told the boy all about endangered wildlife

0:23:570:24:03

"and about how certain flowers have gone extinct

0:24:030:24:08

"and that people should start putting their litter in the bin."

0:24:080:24:11

Get off!

0:24:110:24:15

Right, that's it.

0:24:150:24:18

"They asked the witch if she wanted to be their friend

0:24:260:24:30

"so they shouted over to the witch and said..."

0:24:300:24:33

Hello, witchy, you manky grotbag of pig's wee!

0:24:330:24:36

STUNNED SILENCE

0:24:360:24:38

What are you doing here?

0:24:430:24:45

What are you doing here, "Woodsman"?

0:24:460:24:49

What are you doing here, Woodsman?

0:24:510:24:54

Don't you remember? The witch was full of useful advice.

0:24:540:24:57

She said it's important to be a good little boy,

0:24:570:25:00

but it's also important to be yourself and have a sense of humour.

0:25:000:25:04

And the little boy thought, "Yes, the witch is right,"

0:25:040:25:07

and so he asked his daddy to come on stage and cause trouble

0:25:070:25:11

at the book reading the boy was doing at his school.

0:25:110:25:14

(Finally, a bit of theatre.)

0:25:140:25:16

And the dad said, "No chance.

0:25:160:25:17

"I'm not getting on stage and making a fool of myself,

0:25:170:25:20

"just so you can win a trip to Legoland

0:25:200:25:23

"..and there's nothing you can do about it

0:25:230:25:26

"even if you do know a witch with magical powers."

0:25:260:25:30

Oh.

0:25:320:25:35

And so the wicked witch waved her wand and said to the woodsman,

0:25:350:25:39

"You're totally under my power."

0:25:390:25:41

"Oh, no," said the woodsman,

0:25:410:25:43

"I hope you're not going to make me do anything stupid."

0:25:430:25:45

And then the wicked witch cast a spell on the woodsman

0:25:450:25:49

and suddenly he was hopping about on one leg...

0:25:490:25:52

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:25:530:25:55

..which the woodsman found easy.

0:25:590:26:01

Not so easy when the witch made his trousers fall down.

0:26:010:26:04

CHILDREN LAUGH

0:26:070:26:10

Then the wicked, evil witch cast another spell

0:26:120:26:16

and suddenly the woodsman was doing an impression of a chicken.

0:26:160:26:21

And the woodsman reminded the boy that he had an axe

0:26:260:26:28

so not to push it.

0:26:280:26:30

And then the witch made the woodsman...

0:26:320:26:35

set fire to his fart.

0:26:350:26:38

Now this I've got see.

0:26:430:26:46

Ah, yes, but unfortunately the woodsman had nothing to use

0:26:460:26:49

as a flame, so that idea was immediately abandoned.

0:26:490:26:52

Here you go, woodsman.

0:26:520:26:55

Oh, God!

0:27:180:27:20

LOUD FART

0:27:220:27:26

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:290:27:32

I think you may have just won yourself £1,000 worth

0:27:400:27:42

of library books. Bravo!

0:27:420:27:45

More!

0:27:460:27:48

No.

0:27:480:27:51

Well, that was certainly a memorable performance,

0:28:000:28:03

especially for Jake in the front row.

0:28:030:28:05

I think you singed the poor boy's eyebrows.

0:28:050:28:08

Are you still sulking?

0:28:090:28:11

I can't believe that Charlie is taking Izzy to Legoland and not me.

0:28:110:28:14

I helped him win, at the risk of blowing my own trumpet.

0:28:140:28:17

Still, they all lived happily ever after.

0:28:190:28:21

The end.

0:28:210:28:23

Well done.

0:28:230:28:25

It's important that he listens to his teachers, but we have to

0:28:270:28:29

make sure we also don't forget he's a normal seven-year-old.

0:28:290:28:32

Exactly, and we have to let him act like one.

0:28:320:28:36

CHARLIE GIGGLES

0:28:360:28:38

Can you smell matches?

0:28:410:28:43

-Charlie!

-Charlie!

0:28:430:28:44

# We're not going out

0:28:470:28:49

# Not staying in

0:28:490:28:51

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

0:28:510:28:53

# But there is no need to scream and shout

0:28:530:28:57

# We're not going out

0:28:570:29:00

# We are not going out. #

0:29:000:29:02

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