Enough Not Going Out

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #

Lucy?

Lucy?

What?

It's 7:30 and the kids are still asleep.

Isn't it great to wake up naturally?

I don't know. Is it?

You know what this means?

We were right to put Baileys in their bedtime milk?

No.

Oh!

Permission to come aboard, Captain?

Permission granted.

You'll have to be quick. I've got three packed lunches to make

and I need to clean that sick off the booster seat.

Well, you might want to cut down on the sweet-talking, then(!)

Please tell me you can see them, too.

What are you doing?

Daddy was just tickling Mummy.

What with?

Why don't you go downstairs and do one of your jigsaws?

Or maybe two jigsaws.

Somebody's dreaming.

And you, whatever you do, don't eat any of those Haribos

-I've hidden in the top cupboard, just behind the teabags.

-Yes!

Maybe in about five years, we'll get some privacy back.

-Yeah. Unless we've got more kids by then.

-Ha!

-What?

-What?

-We have finished, right?

-You're getting quicker at this.

Normally, I can at least tell when you've started.

-I thought we weren't having any more kids?

-We're not.

-All right.

For now.

Is this some sort of psychological contraception?

What, like, "Shall I pretend to be Tom Selleck"?

I was feeling experimental, and it was Movember.

-You are still taking precautions, aren't you?

-You know I am.

Well, I know you're taking A pill.

For all I know, you could be necking

Tic Tacs and mentally repainting the nursery.

Look, I'm not saying I definitely do want another,

I just think we should have an open discussion before we rule it out.

All right, let's have an open discussion.

-Good.

-And then rule it out.

That's not an open discussion, Lee.

An open discussion is an exchange of

ideas where you don't know how it will end.

The last time I had an open discussion like that, I ended up sponsoring a guide dog!

Where are you going?

Oh! Can we discuss this like adults, please?

No. I'm going for a Haribo.

I bet the kids would like a new brother or sister.

They'd like a full-sized model Dalek.

No, you'd like that, and we're not getting one.

Oh, so, that's not open to discussion?

At least when we were trying to make love, it wouldn't suddenly come up the stairs.

So, she's dead set on having another one, is she?

She's not dead set, but she wants to discuss it.

Oh, good God, you ARE in trouble.

In the past few months, Anna and I have discussed having a new kitchen,

we've discussed a very expensive private school for Jack

and we've discussed having her parents over for far too long at Christmas.

And guess which one of us got her own way?

Why are you so against the idea, anyway?

It's all right for you, with your one kid and your nanny.

The nanny was Anna's idea.

Obviously, we discussed it first.

At least you and Anna still get to do different things.

Me and Lucy's social life has been reduced to tedious get-togethers

with tedious parents talking about tedious children.

You two still coming around tomorrow?

Wild horses couldn't drag me away.

It is possible to get through this, you know.

Anna and I talk about stuff all the time.

Yeah, and you just said, you then do what she tells you.

I might give the impression I'm doing whatever Anna tells me.

Yeah, by very cleverly doing whatever she tells you.

But sometimes, the trick is getting her to want the same things

I wanted in the first place.

Go on.

Classic example. Few months ago, an investment matured,

we decided to blow the money on a treat.

I wanted a classic car, 1969 E-Type Jag convertible.

But she wanted to blow the money on a five-star luxury skiing holiday in St Moritz.

But we couldn't afford both.

The harsh choices facing families in austerity Britain(!)

Like I said, I wanted the car,

but I acted like I wanted the skiing holiday.

Do you know why?

Because you're absolutely terrified of her?

Because anything I want, she automatically doesn't want.

-Result? We got the car.

-Right.

And what's your advice for a marriage that isn't based on bitterness and mistrust?

It's the same principle, but more subtle.

It's about planting little seeds.

Or, in your case, not planting any.

You have got to make Lucy change her mind,

but at the same time, make her think it was her idea.

And how do I do that?

Well, instead of telling her all the reasons

why having another child wouldn't suit you,

subtly make her see all the reasons why it wouldn't suit her.

I see.

-Well?

-I suppose having another child would mean

that she has less quality time to spend with me.

Perhaps give that one a bit more thought.

Checking for three sixes?

I think he might have head lice.

But, look on the bright side,

if you have it your way, we won't have to go through all this again.

Charlie, why don't you go upstairs and flick nits at your sister?

Yay!

Look, um...maybe I was a bit hasty this morning,

saying, er...no more kids, ever.

-I'm not saying I do want more.

-No, neither am I.

But I am up for, you know, an open discussion.

Well, that's all I was asking for.

After all, you've taken five years out from work, what's another five?

Five?

Well, yeah. With another mouth to feed, I won't be able to share

the housework, like I did with the first three.

All right, bad example.

And we're going to need a bigger car.

-I've been doing some research in the magazines.

-Oh!

Take a look at this one.

Oh, that's lovely!

Oh, sorry, wrong page.

That one's the classic vintage Jaguar E-Type convertible that Toby and Anna bought.

I mean this one, in the no-frills section.

Or, as they've called it, the more-kids-than-sense section.

Huh! Oh, you've got to love Clarkson!

Hm. That looks functional.

-What type is it?

-Ah, whatever. They're all the same, anyway.

You know, Vauxhall Zafira, Renault Espace, Nissan Minger.

The point is, they're practical.

Say what you want about sports cars,

but have they got all-plastic interiors

for when you have to hose out the vomit?

Well, like I say, it's only a discussion at this stage.

'Course it is. I mean, it's easy for me to say, innit?

I don't have to go through the pregnancy.

OK, yes, there's the morning sickness and the sore joints

and the mood swings and the tiredness,

and the dehydration and the leg cramps

and the constant stabbing pain in the pelvic girdle,

and the not wanting to get back into your bikini after the birth

because of the varicose veins and the constant big, old bloated feeling.

But look at all the benefits!

Another healthy year of no wine.

You forgot the constipation.

Oh, come on! That'll come in handy when you're that busy.

-Argh!

-Can't catch me!

-Yeah, I can!

HIGH-PITCHED SQUEALING

Quiet, Molly! Anna doesn't want to hear you screaming!

It's all right, Lucy. You forget I have a child, too.

I know how to deal with this.

Are you sure you want four children?

I know someone who's giving away a chinchilla.

Actually, I'm starting to think having more children isn't such a good idea after all.

-Really?

-Well, the more Lee and I talk about it, the more I've gone off the idea.

Don't tell me, he's been looking at it from your point of view?

Talked about how happy he was to make loads of compromises,

-didn't put any pressure on you at all?

-Pretty much.

The oldest trick in the book.

Making the case for one thing,

while subtly steering you in the other direction.

That doesn't sound like Lee.

-He was being clever.

-That's what I mean.

Marriage is a complicated game of chess.

You always have to look five moves ahead.

My marriage isn't like a game of chess,

it's more like throwing a Frisbee for a dog.

Forget all the discussions and what-ifs,

forget how open Lee was being.

Just ask yourself one simple question.

Might you want another child in the future?

Well...maybe, yes.

Well, there you go. Simple.

You're right, Anna.

I feel so much clearer after talking to you.

I'm going to tell Lee.

Don't tell him! My God, you're naive!

You need to manipulate him in return.

-Do I?

-Of course you do.

Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

Recently, Toby wanted to buy a sports car, and so did I.

But guess what I did?

-I pretended I wanted a skiing holiday instead.

-Why?

Because I knew Toby was trying to manipulate me,

so I manipulated him in return.

I knew he was only pretending to want the skiing holiday

to make me want the car, but I already wanted the car,

so I played him at his own game.

That way, it looked like I'd compromised.

And so, next time I want something, he owes me.

And you've got to manipulate Lee to get what you want.

Oh, I don't know. All sounds a bit cold and calculating.

Good. I'm glad I'm making myself clear.

I just saw a very heavily pregnant woman in the supermarket.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah, she looked so happy. She had that...glow.

-Is that right?

-Yeah.

She'd just knocked over a display with her pushchair and the kids were running riot,

but she just kept glowing.

I know you used to call it blotchy-gland rash,

but I call it glowing.

I've been thinking about everything you've been saying

and I feel bad about what I'm going to say,

especially given that you've been so considerate and thoughtful about everything,

but I've made a decision, and I feel definite about it.

Go on.

I don't want to have any more children.

COWBOY: Yee-haw!

That's a shame.

I was so full of enthusiasm.

Yes, you were. You were full of it.

You've been very sweet, but you got me thinking,

do I actually want more time off work?

Do I really want to go through another pregnancy again?

And I decided, no, I don't.

Are you sure?

Yes, I am.

As in, not ever, for definite?

For definite.

Shall we put it in writing?

Oh, I haven't got time for that.

The kids are at my mum's and you and me have got some unfinished business from this morning.

Ooo! Afternoon delight!

My favourite delight, after Angel.

-What's brought this on?

-Well, it's a special occasion.

Is it?

Yeah. The last time we make love before your vasectomy.

-My what?

-You know, an operation on your genitals

which stops sperm leaving the body and making you sterile.

No, you're still not selling it.

Well, it's the only way to make things final,

and the pill has lots of side-effects, like weight gain,

and I want to look good in that bikini, remember?

A vasectomy doesn't have any side-effects.

No. Unless you count cutting off half your genitalia with a big knife!

Lee, it's a vasectomy, not gender-reassignment surgery.

They don't cut half of anything off.

They take less than a millimetre.

So, what's that, about three-quarters?

-We've talked about this in the past.

-Have we?

Gosh! We've been talking about so much lately, I can't remember.

I always said, if I get old and confused

and I don't recognise you or the kids

and I've got no quality of life,

please do the humane thing and don't give me a vasectomy.

Well, the pill was about keeping the window of opportunity open,

but now, we've just decided to slam that window shut.

But we don't have to slam it shut on my testicles, do we?

Come on, are we going upstairs?

-I'm not really in the mood any more.

-Oh, OK.

Well, I suppose we'd better get ready for Anna and Toby, anyway.

Ooo! It's a bit chilly in here, isn't it?

SLAM!

-Did you put the kids down?

-Yeah. I told Charlie he's a thicko

and said the twins smelt like chicken Cup-a-Soup.

-Look, Lucy...

-KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, can you get that? It'll be Anna and Toby.

Chop chop!

-Hello!

-Hi!

-Hi!

Oh, you just missed the children, I'm afraid.

Yes, anybody would think that Anna makes us sit outside in the car,

waiting for the kids' bedroom light to go off.

-Well, I followed your advice.

-What, about squeezing a lemon on it?

Not about stopping fruit salad going brown.

I'm talking about your Derren Brown mind-control tactics

to make Lucy say no more kids.

And?

Now she wants me to have a vasectomy.

Well, congratulations.

Congratulations? My testicles have just been put on death row,

they've not just passed their driving test!

It solves all your problems

and it's a perfectly routine bit of surgery.

When you were a kid, did you have your tonsils taken out?

Yeah, but I didn't have them taken out of my scrotum.

A vasectomy?!

Oh, it's OK, it's all part of the plan.

There's no way he'll go through with it,

and when he backs down, the balance of power returns to me.

Oh, clever girl!

You really have got him by the...

How's the new car, Toby?

Oh, not bad. You know, it's no skiing holiday,

but marriage is all about compromise.

Exactly. And skiing is a bit overrated, anyway.

I mean, who wants to be up to their hips in frost?

Yeah. I can get that at home.

This looks delicious, Lucy, thank you.

Oh, it's just something simple.

But where would we be without our meat and two veg?

-Are you doing this deliberately?

-Doing what?

Sorry, I'm just a bit stressed at the moment.

Lee's having a vasectomy.

-I had no idea.

-Oh, gosh! Really?

-I haven't actually said I'm going through with it.

-I wouldn't worry, Lee.

These days, plenty of men go in for the chop.

I think people refer to it as the snip.

Snip, chop, hack, slice, mince.

Bludgeon.

What's worrying you about it?

I don't know. What if it goes wrong?

What if the doctor's doing the operation and his hand slips?

A buzzer goes off and your nose lights up?

Lee, a vasectomy is a perfectly straightforward operation.

There's plenty of information available to show you how safe it is.

Toby's right. I'm going to Google it.

What could possibly go wrong with a vasectomy?

-Oh!

-Ooo!

Ooo, I wish I hadn't done an Eton mess now.

-Have a look at that, Lee.

-Yeah, have a butcher's.

This is ridiculous!

I can't sit by and let that sort of ignorance go unchallenged.

Oh, come on, Toby, what makes you such an expert?

I'm a doctor.

And that makes you better than Google, does it?

Anyway, this isn't professional advice, this is personal.

-Toby?

-If you have a vasectomy, Lee, you'll be fine. I was.

This is hardly conversation for the dinner table, is it?!

Well, you're the one who's got their phone open on mangledtackle.com.

-So, when did you have it done?

-Six years ago.

It was totally fine.

Would you have it done again?

There wouldn't be much point in having it done again.

-You know what I mean.

-Of course I would. It was a simple little operation.

-Did it hurt?

-Not really.

-Was it embarrassing?

-Not at all!

And how long afterwards was it before you, you know, got to have sex?

I'll keep you posted on that one.

So, it really was OK?

It was simple and it was painless.

And more importantly, it hasn't made me any less of a man.

-No?

-No, that was a totally separate operation,

performed by Anna slowly over a period of years.

And did you, er...offer to do it, you know, voluntarily?

Well...we discussed it.

-So, Anna got her way?

-If Anna had got her way,

I would have had it done before our first date.

I beg your pardon?

I didn't mean...

You mean before we had Jack?

No, of course not, it was just a silly joke.

I always wanted a child, you know that,

I just didn't want loads of kids. Is that such a crime?!

-Of course not.

-And having just one child meant

we were able to devote all our energy and attention

to finding people to properly look after him.

I know that.

Why is it nowadays, if you don't want a huge, noisy family

you're seen as not normal?

It's hard work. You get no sleep,

it costs a fortune and you get no time to yourself!

Having loads of kids robs you of everything else you might want to achieve in life,

and I'm not afraid to admit, that's how I feel.

If you ask me, the world would be a better place if everyone was sterilised at 30!

But...good luck with whatever you decide.

She's right. I need to do this.

For you and our family.

What, you're going to do it?

I need to man up and grow a pair, and then get them sterilised.

Anna's right.

No, I'm not.

Tell him, Toby! Tell him I'm wrong!

What, in front of you?

Lucy?

Lucy?

What?

We're awake before the kids again.

Those novelty hot water bottles are getting more realistic.

Should I, er...scoop her up and put her back into bed?

-Why?

-You know...

This might be the last time we, er...with me intact.

End of an era, like the final ever Boyzone concert.

Except I won't reform in 20 years and produce new material.

-You're still going through with the vasectomy, then?

-'Course.

EXCITED SHRIEKING

Oh! Well, that was wonderful. How was it for you(?)

Let's have a tickling competition.

First one to wet themselves makes breakfast!

You're in a good mood.

Well, we've made a positive decision, haven't we?

I'm going to bring you breakfast in bed.

How about cereal with sterilised milk and seedless grapes?

I can't believe that by tonight, it might all be over.

-You're not seeing someone about it today, are you?

-Why not?

Well, they wouldn't do it there and then, surely.

It's not while-you-wait.

Well, I don't think you drop 'em off and call back to pick 'em up later.

The sooner we do it, the better.

And in the meantime, we need to make the most of these little monkeys whilst they're young.

Doesn't last forever, does it?

LUCY SOBS

Don't worry, kids, Mummy's doing happy crying.

Why don't you go downstairs and put the television on...really loudly?

What's the matter?

I don't want you to have a vasectomy.

-What do you want?

-Another baby.

You said yesterday you changed your mind.

I only said that to manipulate you. It was Anna's idea.

You've been taking relationship advice from Frosty the Snow Cow?

Oh, like you haven't been manipulating me?

So let me get this straight,

you asked me to have a vasectomy because you want a baby?

That's a novel approach(!)

I just wanted to keep the possibility open, that's all.

But when things started to sound so final,

it made me think I actually definitely do want another one.

I didn't think you'd agree to the vasectomy!

I did agree, because I listen to your needs and I do what you want.

Good. I want another baby.

I walked into that one, didn't I?

It has to be a mutual decision.

I know. But if I don't agree to another baby,

then I'm responsible for Lucy being miserable.

Lee, you're a married man, you took a solemn vow

to be responsible for Lucy being miserable.

There is one other way of looking at this, of course.

Maybe you should just count your blessings.

I have counted them.

I've got three blessings and I adore them,

but kids are like Pot Noodles,

nobody needs more than three at a time.

Count your blessings that Lucy's the kind of woman that wants more.

I never had that option with Anna.

I know, and I do appreciate it.

Lucy's an amazing mum, and I love being a dad,

but, come on, four?!

I wanted to start a family, not a Beatles tribute act.

Would having one more child really make such a huge difference?

Don't they start looking after one another when you have a few?

No, they do not!

You still have to clothe them, and bathe them, and breast-feed them.

Wow! You're more hands-on than I thought.

You still have to look after them, tell them off,

break up fights, check for lice,

take that little seat on and off the toilet,

chase them, have play fights in bed,

teach them all the rude words to Jingle Bells

and deny all knowledge of it at the carol concert.

Have you considered the possibility

that you might actually quite like to have another child?

I did once have four Pot Noodles, actually.

Maybe having another baby is not such a bad idea.

Not me and him, we're not having a baby.

I've had a vasectomy, anyway.

Why are you so proud of that?

How did you know I was here?

I checked Wetherspoons and Ladbrokes, where else was left?

Toby told me you were meeting Anna here.

You've not been for the operation, have you?

If I'd been for a vasectomy, would I be able to do this?

Tinder, eh? Wish I'd swiped left now.

Sorry I got so emotional this morning.

You've got nothing to be sorry about.

-Faster!

-OK!

We need to talk about this properly, though.

You mean without trying to manipulate each other?

Yeah. Honestly and openly, like we should have done from the start.

Or we could just let the wise old sage from the village have another crack at things(!)

Oh, Anna, Anna, Anna!

It's true, say her name three times and she does appear.

Go and play with the other children, Jack.

Hi, Jack!

Lucy...Lee, I wanted to apologise

for my outburst at dinner last night,

and I certainly shouldn't have told Lucy to try to manipulate you, Lee.

And I shouldn't have told Lee to try and manipulate you, either, Lucy.

I didn't know you had.

I'm going to go and stand over there now.

It's none of my business, I know, but just because

I don't want a bigger family doesn't mean you two shouldn't.

I mean, look how happy those kids are.

No! Argh!

Toby, drop any of those children in the dirt

and you'll be the one who's crying!

Why not have more? You've got such great kids.

That'd be nice, growing old, surrounded by so many of 'em.

'Course it would. Children are a blessing.

Oh, for God's sake! Toby, show some authority!

You're supposed to be the Alpha!

Look, four kids. It's not that different to three, is it?

Mm. One per limb.

Four could be a wonderful experience for you both.

Benji, be careful with Toby!

Leave him. Toby needs to learn.

Toby, stop showing your weakness!

One of them's got my wallet!

I'm sure whatever you decide will be the right thing.

Help! CHILDREN SHRIEK

Jack, get off your father!

No teeth, you're riddled with germs!

-Four kids, eh!

-Help!

-Yeah. Who wouldn't want that?

-Help!

TOBY YELLS

I was ashamed of our children today.

We need to think of a punishment.

I already have.

I've told them, no more beating up Toby for the next two weeks.

I've not really thought through how difficult having four kids is, have I?

No, but that's what we need to do,

have a proper discussion about everything and...

Actually, can we not, just for a while?

I'm not saying no more kids, nor am I definitely saying I do want more.

I'm just saying, can we just see how things go for a bit,

stop putting so much pressure on ourselves?

Yeah.

And who knows, if we do stop at three,

maybe we'll save enough money to afford a treat.

Perhaps even a skiing holiday.

You're not getting a sports car.

So if we're not talking about stuff,

we're going to need to think of something else to do.

Ooo! Somebody's been watching Magnum PI.

What did you have in mind?

Well, come a little closer and I'll show you.

COWBOY: Yee-haw!

Can I sleep in your bed again?

HE SIGHS

Go on, then. Get in.

-Yay!

-Ooo!

Oh, you know what?

I think more kids might be out of the question now, anyway.

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #