Apple Bong Nurse Jackie

Previously on Nurse Jackie:

Grace has been getting up at night and unplugging appliances.

I just don't want the house to burn down.

-One of my nurses needs a paediatric psych referral.

-Which one?

She'd rather not say.

Hey, guys.

-Was that a walk of shame?

-I don't want to know.

Your accent - London with a touch of Sussex, right?

-Indeed.

-I'm kind of an Anglophile.

How convenient. I'm an Anglo.

You paid a publicist, didn't you?

Did I...I have a publicist, yes.

But that is not why I was chosen for the list of the best 25 doctors in Manhattan.

Hey, honey.

Hey. Eddie. I'm a friend of Kevin's.

This programme contains some strong language

Mrs Feinberg?

Can I take this with my blood pill?

Absolutely. But you take this one at bedtime.

Don't take any antacids till morning.

Be careful about getting up too fast. You might have some dizziness.

Good luck.

Good luck!

My house, my kids?

Are you out of your fucking mind?

-I miss you.

-You cannot come to my house, Eddie.

I want things back the way they were.

I don't give a shit. This is the behaviour of a fucking psychopath.

Oh, what, mine or yours? I can't just turn it off like you can.

I didn't turn it off, Eddie.

-I have a family.

-A family? Right.

You want to know what your problem is? You're fucking greedy,

is what you are.

And you have a lot of pent-up anger.

Oh, you have no idea.

Next!

Hey, honey, yeah.

How do you feel about maybe sending the girls to your sister's for the night?

No, I'm good. I'm great, actually.

I was just thinking it had been a while since we had a date night.

Yeah, OK.

Great.

Yeah, I love you too.

Bye.

So now it's kinda nice being in one place, actually getting to know the staff.

I used to be afraid of that, but now I feel really ready to say, "Hey, what's your name?"

I even feel like, shit, if there's a softball team, I'll be on it.

But I'm not saying I'm any good...

Sam, I don't do chatty.

He can't breathe! Please, he can't breathe!

Calm down, ma'am, we're going to help him. Let me take him, please.

I had the carpet shampooed. I think he's having a reaction, I don't know. He's not breathing!

Page Dr O'Hara. Follow me.

-Is Jackie here?

-Not yet.

Uh, I need a doctor!

'Paging Dr O'Hara.'

(It's going to be OK, baby.

(Pulse weak and tachy).

He needs epi and solumedrol.

Breathing has stopped. We need to intubate.

Dr O'Hara's on her way.

He's turning blue.

I can't wait.

Legally, we can't do this.

We have to.

Oh, crap.

Grab a paediatric crash cart.

I need a blade and a 5.0 cuff tube.

Tuck under his shoulder blade.

Extend the neck.

-Colour changed. It's in.

-Uh-huh. Lost his pulse.

MACHINE BEEPS

Starting compressions.

Sinus rhythm.

We have a pulse.

Zoey, you did it.

Zoey just saved his life...twice.

Also, she intubated.

Don't be mad.

No-one can know. She could lose her licence.

So I suggest we stop talking about it.

He's going to be OK. Dr O'Hara's here now. She's an amazing doctor.

Jesus, it smells like disinfectant and dip in here.

-It's truly vile.

-Sorry.

One man's nectar is another man's...

You're disgusting. Eat fruit.

Thanks.

Zoey!

-Kudos on the life-saving victory this morning.

-The what?

I just made sure someone didn't die.

Then Dr O'Hara swooped in at the last minute in her Oscar De La Renta skirt - disaster averted.

He's alive, that's what matters.

Bringing back the dead is a rush, isn't it?

Last year at Sin Sin, this guy OD'd outside the club.

Thumped the shit out of him. No heartbeat.

His girlfriend is screaming at him, "Come back. Don't leave me!"

So I get in there and shock this guy one last time. Bang!

He's back, asking for a cigarette.

No thanks, no nothing. I didn't care. I felt incredible.

Your food does smell bad, Lenny.

Did you intubate without a doctor?

I did what I had to.

You do know how risky that was, don't you?

I was just doing what you would have done.

Zoey?

Huh.

I never would have pegged you as someone to give me shit for getting the job done.

Don't eat by the urine!

Jackie, let's talk later.

Here. Patient with lymphoma stage three,

has severe dehydration due to constant nausea after third round of chemo.

All right, I'll start an IV.

What's your name, honey?

Martin. Vobernick.

You can't get any relief, huh?

-No.

-Any side effects?

-I was on Zofran.

-Oh, constipation, right?

I tried the whole Aloxi thing.

The headaches are awful.

Then they gave me Anzemet.

So the headaches are gone, but the cramps and nausea, the diarrhoea...

Can you tolerate the Decadron?

Ulcers.

-Mmm.

-God, I know you've seen worse than me

but...all that crap... is it really worth it?

Cold.

Have you tried smoking pot?

I'm a tour guide for the Red Line.

I do crosswords, and I sing in a barbershop quartet.

And I'm single. Obviously.

Where's a guy like me gonna find pot?

OK, now, Mr Vobernick, it's really trial and error

with the anti-nausea meds, but I'll find you something that works.

We're going to do everything we can to make you comfortable, OK?

What the hell did you say in there?

What? Oh, please God, no.

Suggesting a patient try pot?

Never, and I mean never, do you suggest

a patient use an illegal substance to combat a symptom when there are perfectly viable legal medications.

Oh, I see. Is this part of the new image? The top 25 New York fucking douchebag doctors?

You know that if this guy lived in a different state,

he'd be able to get a prescription for medical marijuana, so he could at least try it.

-He doesn't live in another state. He lives in New York.

-I don't give a shit if he lives on Mars!

I'll make a suggestion if I think it's going to help a patient.

No, you're not! I make suggestions, you listen and agree.

Seriously, Jackie, how high up do I have to go to lodge a complaint for you to understand that?

Really, is there somebody higher up than you?

Did you get the morphine?

I'm doing it right now.

I gotta tell you, I thought it'd be a lot harder being around the meds than it is.

-I'm a little worried about infection here.

-Kind of an undertow, you know?

Going one way on the surface, but underneath getting pulled in another direction.

Did Okebwai weigh in on this? I didn't see it on the chart.

My sponsor thinks I'm a sex addict.

Were you standing this close to her when she told you that?

He's a guy, but...probably.

Well...we can't all be saints.

Oh! Mmm!

I have a girlfriend.

So do I.

So, I was wondering if you had a chance to call that paediatric psychiatrist I recommended.

You're really going to make me talk about this directly, aren't you?

Jackie, people put up walls for a reason, and from time to time, the people around us pipe up.

You need to tear down that wall.

I'm not one of those people.

Sometimes the walls are the only thing holding us up.

Forget I asked.

She's only ten. She fixates on the strangest things.

She'd rather watch a fire safety video than High School Musical.

We can't get in to see Dr Bowen until next month.

She's worth the wait.

Apparently, she's also on the list of the hottest doctors in New York.

Is it my imagination, or is Coop even more of a shit than he used to be?

-Are you referring to him reprimanding you today?

-He told you?

I understand where he's coming from.

Dr Cooper simply does not want nurses to advise patients to use illegal substances to relieve pain or nausea.

Gloria, this poor guy has tried everything under the sun. He cannot stop puking.

Advocating for a patient to pursue illegal drugs when they are under our care here at All Saints Hospital...

Is unacceptable. Got it. Can I go?

Yes.

Jackie, I'm not a prude. I was at Woodstock, for Christ's sake.

No, you weren't.

Jesus, Lenny, you're still here?

Hey, I've been out and back two times. Concussion and appendix.

-And look at the caricature I got made of Zoey.

-Wow, it's cute.

Dude did it off my iPhone.

I don't think Zoey likes it.

Stop showing people that!

I sent the tib-fib in five to the OR.

And there are two lonely bottles of Lidocaine sitting in the scrub sink.

Someone get them.

What?

Lunch, now.

Well?

I shagged a nurse.

-No!

-In the chapel.

-No!

Oh, God. It was Sam, wasn't it?

Poor little thing is a recovering addict. Did you know that?

Of course I knew that. Everybody knows that. It's all he talks about.

-Pain in my ass.

-Think about it from his perspective.

No booze, no sex, no drugs.

-Hardly worth getting out of bed in the morning.

-Ugh!

He really bugs you, doesn't he?

-It's his holier than thou bullshit. Please.

-Boring.

Anyway, tell me more about Eddie.

Nothing. It's over. It's done. It's...you know, whatever we had is now a big, fat, fucked-up mess.

Well, you are married.

Yes, there is that.

It's my fault.

I just didn't see it coming.

I think the overdosing stalker in him was just lying dormant.

-Maybe.

-Have you ever worried he'll go to Kevin and spill the beans?

-No.

-What would he have then?

-Everyone's life in ruins, "If I can't have her, no-one can," kind of thing?

No, he's not that guy.

He loves me. There's a little bit of hate mixed in there now, of course.

Do you love him?

If I said yes, what would that make me?

I don't judge if you don't judge.

-Are you coming?

-Not just yet.

Quick errand. I'll see you there.

Hey, chief.

-Oh. Hey, man, what's up?

-Hey.

You and me tonight,

third base line.

-Oh, shit.

-What?

-I would love to, but I can't. Jackie called a date night for tonight.

-Oh.

The requisite date night.

-I know it well.

-These are great seats!

Yeah.

Yeah.

You got a Bud?

-Yeah.

-What are you gonna do?

-Oh, hi.

-Hey. Hey.

-You OK?

-Not really.

Fuck! Oh, God.

Listen, just so you know, I'm not in recovery.

Although I should be for...

wedding cake addiction.

Anyway, I know how important it is to have someone to talk to when you're having...feelings.

Yeah, I am.

If you want,

you could consider me your...workplace sponsor.

Oh, thank you.

I slept...

Go ahead.

I slept with a doctor.

I'm not talking to you.

What are you doing?

Dr Cooper released me.

He gave me a prescription for Emend and the name of a biofeedback clinic.

OK. Let's get you in the chair.

-I have over 1,000 Twitter followers now.

-Is that a lot?

-Hell, yeah.

It just so happens, I'm fascinating to the masses.

See, there's my magazine article and my tweets.

I'm exploding.

Pen, thank you.

Here, I'll show you how it works.

"Grabby nurse just borrowed my pen."

All right, now you've got "Nurse going to vending machines."

-Lenny, where's your rig?

-Fire lane.

Let's go.

OK, so...we'll light her up. You inhale through here.

Give it a whirl.

You gotta take a deep breath and hold it for a minute.

Good, that's good.

That's very good.

How do you know I have pot?

Lenny, Mountain Dew and Doritos? Please.

Oh, yeah. Where did you learn how to make that apple bong?

Uh, Jones Beach, Toto concert.

Oh, fuck you.

You feel better?

Yeah, I uh...I'm actually hungry.

I bet Lenny can give you a hand with that.

-Hey, can we turn on the siren?

-Easy, tiger.

-All right, well, I got to get back. Take care.

-Thank you for this.

-Can you give Martin a ride home?

-Sure.

-And turn on the siren when you get to Park.

-Shotgun.

-Bring it.

Hey, Jackie, I think I'll personally follow up with Mr Vobernick.

I'll call him next week, see how the medication's working.

That's very nice of you. I'm sure he'll be very happy to hear from you.

Hey, I know I seemed like a tightass earlier. But with the list and the Twitter following,

-I have even more of an example to set around here now.

-Duly noted.

We need to use what science and medicine have given us to treat patients.

I understand. Sometimes I just prefer mother nature.

And you know, if you think that I've never...tried the reefer,

think again.

Are you trying to whistle?

PHONE RINGS

They're for you.

-Excuse me?

-Good work.

Is that the kid from this morning?

Yes.

I think I'm pregnant.

-Hey, honey.

-OK, promise me you won't be pissed.

Uh-oh, not a great start.

No, no, listen, the girls are at my sister's house just like we planned.

But I wanted to ask a favour.

I was wondering if we could push Date Night back a couple of hours.

Oh, Kevin, you don't want to do it.

No, I do. I totally do. It's just, I've been invited to a Mets game.

-Oh, lord. By who?

-Eddie.

The guy you met at the house.

Hey, Jackie, what's happening?

He's right there? Uh...let me say hi.

She wants to say hi.

-Hey, Jackie.

-You cannot be serious.

Don't worry, I won't keep him out late.

I know tonight's a special one for you.

Do not do this.

-Right, right, no beers.

-Do not do this, Eddie. Do you hear me?

OK, thank you very much. We will have a great time.

Do not do this. Take care.

Hey...hello?

Your wife is the greatest, man.

She is. She totally is.

All right, subway or bus?

Bus? What are you, 80?

Bus!

# It's only blue skies

# Clouding my memories

# It's only sunshine

# Warming my skin

# It's only love

# It's only love... #

I feel pretty good from this afternoon. I haven't been able to sit up and watch TV for months.

Well, I think one of these a day should be good for now.

Let's say we try half of one for tonight.

Wow, that's pretty tasty.

You're a nurse. You can bake too.

What can I say? I'm perfect.

Is that the Mets game?

-We're ahead.

-For now.

Yeah.

OK, this is the recipe here...for when these run out.

On the back is the number for Lenny's dealer. She's a nice lady.

She's expecting your call.

Wow. Does she know what a nerd I am?

Why don't you just sit back and relax? I'll put these in the fridge.

Wow. When was the last time you cleaned this thing out?

Phew.

Yes!