Candyman Nurse Jackie

-Previously...

-Coop will not stop twittering.

Dr Cooper lodged a formal complaint against you.

Against me? Really? For what?

Insubordination and general bitchiness.

-How are we on time?

-We're good. Just don't get fancy.

-What have we got?

-Jackie, really, go.

I tried to kill myself.

I OD'd on some drugs trying to get a girl's attention.

-Man.

-I'm executive of my mother's estate and, as such, it would mean the world

if I could set up a college fund for the girls, if for no other reason than taxes.

Your mom and I went to high school together.

-Yes, a million years ago.

-Oh, half a million.

-She was the homecoming queen.

-She said that her mom was dad's girlfriend before you.

-Oh, please!

There's been a problem with shrinkage and, frankly,

any shrinkage makes us all look bad, even if it's just Imodium.

And it's never just the Imodium, people.

What is hospital policy regarding lost or found drugs?

Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it.

-Oh, why so desperate?

-Do you want to get your ass kicked?

This programme contains some strong language

I don't think these are done.

-She's making our cupcakes flat.

-Stop doing that, Fi.

-Maybe I should try one.

-No way.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Kaitlyn?

-So?

I'm less than thrilled.

Well, I thought we agreed that it was good for Grace to have play dates with her friends.

And right now she only has one, so...

-That looks like fun.

-Uh-huh.

Grace's tuition is killing us.

Well, about that...

O'Hara's mum died and left her some money

and she wanted me to ask you about setting something up for the girls.

No. I know she's your friend, but no.

-You don't think we should think about it?

-Money always comes with strings.

-Not always.

We took money from my mum and your mum. Both times, we regretted it.

Yes, that is true.

Can we at least mull it over for a little while?

Mull over taking money from a crazy person?

-She's not crazy.

-She lives in a hotel.

-Because she's rich.

Most rich people live in houses, or high-rises or villas. Not hotels.

That doesn't make her crazy.

By the way, that little Kaitlyn in there is a big, fat snot.

-That's all I'm saying.

-I'm keeping an eye on it.

You're a good dad.

I know.

Oh.

Oh, Jesus, Kaitlyn. You scared me.

Grace said there was a bomb shelter down here. I wanted to see if she was making it up.

Kaitlyn, honey, Grace does not make things up.

Grace worries a lot about things that don't even make sense.

-You should get her some help.

-Ah, is that right? Are you a shrink?

What did you just do with the straw?

Kaitlyn, you were not supposed to have seen that.

It was a trick that nurses use to dry up their tear ducts.

Why do you need to dry them?

Because we see a lot of pain and suffering during the day

and the last thing we want to do is come home and cry in front of our families.

I need a hug.

Can I have one?

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, I made some tater tot hot dish, so I thought I'd bring some over.

Kaitlyn says you guys order a lot of pizza.

Well, we happen to love pizza.

Doing the bills, huh?

-Every month.

-Mm, I wish my husband did the bills.

The girls are in the kitchen.

In the kitchen.

Ooh, don't those look yummy?

Yummy, yummy, yummy. Well, thank you for coming over.

-These are for you.

-Oh, thank you. I can't wait to taste them.

-Grace doesn't want any. Can I have hers?

-You don't want any, Grace?

They touched them with their bare hands and filled them with bacteria.

I washed my hands, Grace, right in front of you,

like you told me to. She made me wash my hands.

Washing your hands is sanitary. Thank you for setting such a good example, honey.

-But washing your hands every two minutes is kind of crazy, if you ask me.

-Ooh, that's a lot.

Not if you don't want to get swine flu and probably die from it.

You know, I am a nurse and she has a good point.

You can never wash your hands too much.

Well, we should probably be going.

-Thank you so much for having Kaitlyn.

-Sure, you bet.

We'll just say goodbye to Kev. Bye-bye.

We are so not eating that.

If anybody asks, Fiona's allergic to potatoes.

No, I'm not. So you want me to lie?

Honey, there are good lies and there are bad lies.

It's a little complicated.

So what are you shopping here for?

This stuff costs ten times more than at a real grocery store.

OK, buddy, I'll be honest with you.

I was worried about you.

You took an overdose and had to have your stomach pumped.

-Did you do it cos of, you know, this place?

-No, I didn't do it because of this place.

Whatever you say, bro. I'm here to support, not judge.

Hey, prepare for a mind explosion.

I'm on the list of the top 25 docs in all Manhattan.

-I don't know what to say about that.

-Yeah, I know. Right?

I bought all this crap, so I wouldn't get you in any trouble with your boss.

I am my boss.

Yeah?

-They pay you decent?

-That's personal, Coop.

Seriously? With me, there's no such thing as too personal.

I already knew that about you, Coop.

We kind of have a shorthand, right? Don't you think? A little bit, hmm?

-You and me.

-Sending somebody a text?

Nope. Tweeting.

-Ah. Just letting people know where I am.

-What people?

My followers.

I have 240. You should try it.

-A guy like you would probably have 100, at least.

-Nah, no, thanks.

Just so you know, if you need anything or just want to talk,

you're on my way to work, I can drop in any time you want.

So anyway, who told you? Was it Jackie?

-It's all over the hospital that you tried to kill yourself.

-Shit!

No worries, man.

-I sent out a tweet saying you were totally alive.

-Please don't do that.

You're right.

It's probably pretty much still an open wound for you.

But Jackie told you, right?

No, I think it was Thor. The diabetic.

So did she say anything...Jackie?

Truth be told, we're not exactly talking at the moment.

In fact, I had to file a complaint against her with Akalitus, for insubordination.

I will crush her!

Well, I should get to work.

You sure you're OK?

Yeah.

Listen, sometimes I get migraines.

I mixed some meds, I drank a few beers. It was mistake, no big deal.

I'm good.

In fact, I'm great. Tell everybody, or not.

-Whatever you say, bro.

-All right, man.

Anyway, she left the house, I just chucked the whole thing in the garbage.

I know that if she had her way, she would be Mrs Ginny Payton.

I would be going home to some other dude.

Well, if you want to avoid people from your past,

I recommend moving to another country... Worked for me.

Another thing, I don't want Kaitlyn's snottiness to rub off on Grace.

Snot is viral. Snottiness is not.

So, anyway,

I talked to Kevin about your idea of the gift for the girls and I...

It just makes him uncomfortable.

Do you know what would make him really uncomfortable?

A daughter who's a lap dancer.

Take the money. Get them an education.

OK.

"The 25 best doctors in Manhattan".

"Number 23 - All Saints Hospital. Dr Fitch Cooper."

How did this happen?

It's a bloody outrage!

Where the fuck am I?

-What have we got?

-Dog bite. Severe facial laceration. Lost a lot of blood.

-Heart rate's through the roof.

-He wasn't bitten, he was mauled.

Great Dane bit him, after he tried to resuscitate it.

-He tried to resuscitate a Great Dane?

-The Garden. North Hampton Dog Show.

-Dog had a heart attack.

-Danes are inbred and have oversized hearts.

-Guy's wife is out there freaking.

-On my count. One, two, three.

PATIENT MUMBLES

-What'd he say?

-I have no idea. IV morphine.

-And page maxillofacial.

-That's because he can't just say "plastics".

-My nuts!

-Did he just say, "My nuts"?

-Well, let's have a look.

Argh.

-Oh, man.

-What?

Well, his scrotum is intact, but it's just hanging there.

-It's apparently empty.

-Empty?

-Yes, empty.

PATIENT GROANS

Holy shit. His testicles have migrated.

Migrated?

Like birds.

Into his pelvic wall.

-They can do that?

-It's very rare.

I've never actually seen it before. It's an automatic anatomic response to attack by predator.

You know, back in the olden days -

primitive man versus sabertooth tiger?

-It's not a big deal.

-PATIENT YELPS

-It's just really painful.

-Better page urology, too.

Hey, that's my call. I get to say that.

Page urology.

-Mrs Fogulson?

-How's my husband?

-Uh, well, the facial wounds are pretty severe.

-Oh, my God.

But we have the best plastic surgeons in the city, so he's in very good hands.

I feel horrible. We'll probably be banned from the Kennel Club.

-But he did save Bartholomew's life.

-Is that right?

-Do you have dogs?

-No.

-Why not?

-Kids. Lots of kids.

-Kids love dogs.

-Well, my boys are allergic.

-Zyrtec.

We don't take pills in our family.

By the way, your husband's testicles have migrated.

-Migrated?

-We'll let you know as soon as we find them.

God, these gloves are so tight, I feel like OJ.

That's the third time you've said that today.

Like your material's fresh(!)

Are you wearing eyeshadow?

No. Maybe. Why?

-You look nice.

-Back off.

Dr Cooper, this just came to my office by mistake.

Apparently, it's from your mother's.

-How on earth did that happen?

-Just getting a little recognition for all my good work, I guess.

You paid a publicist, didn't you?

I have a publicist, yes, but that is not why I was chosen for the list of the best 25 doctors in Manhattan.

But you do pay a publicist, am I right?

-Wow.

-You paid a publicist.

-You can stop saying that now.

-Congratulations, Dr Cooper.

Yes, congratulations would seem to be in order, so congratulations.

23 out of 25 people.

-23.

-Out of...a lot.

Hey, would you mind putting this in my office for me?

-Just be careful with it.

-Do I look like a pack mule to you, Dr Cooper?

No.

-You do know he just made a list of the 25 best doctors in Manhattan, right?

-Yes, I heard.

-He paid a publicist.

-He did?

Well, yes, of course he did.

-How do you know that?

-He told me.

Ah! Shit.

Shit!

-What have you done?

-I messed up my hand on that gurney transfer.

Middle finger. Oh, shit.

Dislocated?

It's better than fucking up my back, I guess.

-Want me to have a look?

-Thanks.

It's too bad. I had a long list of people I was gonna flip off. I guess I'll have to wait.

Well, we'll have you expressing your hostility in no time.

What is this American obsession with lists, huh?

Top ten this, top 20 that.

-Nice manicure, by the way.

-Ow, ow. OK, ow. Thanks.

My sister has a salon on Sullivan.

See? That's what I'm talking about.

Word of mouth, not some poxy list.

Argh! That...that really hurts.

It's really out of joint.

As if being on a list could make you a better doctor.

CRACKING Argh!

Oh, I'm gonna puke!

Yes, well, you'd better not.

I need to lie down.

Want me to wrap that for you?

Hey, you just punched in my number.

-No, I most certainly did not.

-Yes, you did.

111986. That's my birthday.

111966 is what I punched in.

-That's not my pin number.

-It most certainly is not.

Wow, I can't believe your pin number

is almost exactly the same as mine.

Yes, it's called coincidence.

Can I help you with something?

Oh, we just got this guy whose cell phone exploded in his face. Second degree burns.

Got to get him some morphine from the gumball machine.

-The gumball machine?

-Yeah, I just made that up on the spot.

It's pretty cool, huh?

-Are you wearing perfume?

-No.

Why? Is it bad? Does it make me smell like an old lady?

No, but I am pretty sure Mrs Akalitus is wearing the same thing.

I need you for half the next shift.

-Me, specifically?

-I need someone to cover triage for half a shift.

All right.

What is it that you're doing?

-Tweeting.

-Why do you feel the need to do this?

-Because he doesn't have any real friends.

-As a matter of fact, I do.

-His name is Eddie and I saw him this morning.

-How is he doing?

Great. He works over at Excelsior Drugs right around the corner,

-but if you followed me, you would've known that hours ago.

-Fascinating(!)

-You're being sarcastic, I can tell,

but it is. Jump on the social networking train.

Woo-woo! You won't regret it.

Could you find out, let's say, what Bellevue's lowest bid on medical waste removal is?

-It doesn't work like that.

-How about the fat content of a lemon bar? Could it tell me that?

-No.

Then what good is it?

Can I help you?

Are you wearing Lamb, by Gwen Stefani?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Ah, if you're going to drink, you're going to do it outside.

-Gracias(!)

-No problemo.

-Kev?

-'Hey, babe.'

'Listen, I'm going to need you to be at the house

'when the girls get there. I got to cover half a shift.'

I can't. I'm picking up the new barstools.

You're kidding me? All right. Who are we going to get to be there?

Well, I could call Ginny. She said she's always available.

Oh, yes, I have no doubt - and absolutely not.

Why not? She's in the neighbourhood.

Because I don't want that woman alone in our house.

She wouldn't be alone. She'd be with the girls.

You know, if you had called me earlier, we might have more options.

Do not call Ginny Flynn.

-Who's watching the bar?

-I'm going to lock up for a couple hours.

You couldn't have had the stools delivered, for Christ's sake?

Are you giving me a hard time because, for once, I'm the one stuck at work?

Do not call Ginny Flynn!

If I don't get into these facial wounds, he's going to suffer more tissue damage than he already has.

-I just need ten minutes to pull his testicles back down.

-That can wait.

Fuck you. Do you have any idea what kind of pain this guy's in?

And his mauled face isn't painful?

-That's a matter of opinion.

-You have no idea what you're talking about.

-They've been going ten minutes.

-You do boob jobs.

Augmentation. And reconstruction.

Reconstructing flat-chested strippers.

This is not in the least bit cosmetic, pally!

-Hey, guys?

-Come on, it's the holy grail of urology.

You're pathetic.

PATIENT MUMBLES

What's that, honey?

PATIENT MUMBLES

-OK. That was, "Do my balls."

-Told you.

We got a guy in three with second degree burns - in the shape of a cell phone.

Can you take him up to surgery?

Don't worry, honey. We'll put everything back where it belongs.

-Cell phone burn. Did you get...

-Fourth floor.

-Thanks.

Zoey.

-Who is he?

-Not an actual person.

Just a location. Party on Staten Island.

But there will be people there?

Yes.

And there will be one particular person... So...

-Hair down.

-Good call.

I think you should refrain from discussing personal information about co-workers.

-What are you talking about?

-About Coop having a publicist.

-Are you serious?

-I am. Very serious.

I thought you didn't even like that guy.

-That is beside the point.

-Wow.

You are going to bust my balls every chance you get, aren't you?

No, no, no, no!

-You were just drinking.

-No..

-Miss, do you understand what I'm saying?

-No.

JACKIE SPEAKS SPANISH No.

-That's bullshit.

-JACKIE SPEAKS SPANISH

-Here. Pay attention. Formula.

-Si.

THEY SPEAK SPANISH

Oh, my God. I don't think I've ever seen you eat.

I like to hide my humanity, Dr. O'Hara.

Or at least, keep it to a minimum.

Is there room for two on that saviour?

I don't want his career or the attention or the magazine articles.

Is this Dr Cooper?

I come to work, I do my best, which is pretty damn impressive,

-and some knob with a square jaw and a publicist starts prancing around like a...

-It's demoralising.

It is.

And you wonder...

what is my incentive to keep bringing my best?

I've been at All Saints since 1978.

Oh, my God! That's 30...

Stop doing the math!

Do you really care what a group of magazine editors that dole out stars for the

best street burrito and eyeliner think about healthcare providers?

No.

If I want anything, it's to know that you know that I'm a better physician.

Does it help to know that you're in my all-time top five?

Wait. Who are the other four?

HAPPY CHATTER

Hey, honey.

Hey... Eddie. I'm a friend of Kevin's.

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