Bleeding Nurse Jackie

This programme contains strong language

Kaitlyn and Fi touched them and filled them with bacteria.

Washing your hands every two minutes is kind of crazy.

-Ooh, that's a lot.

-Number 23, All Saints Hospital Dr Fitch Cooper?

-How did this happen?

-We want to launch a citywide campaign featuring you as the face of All Saints.

-You know Sarah Kohri?

-God, I could not love her more.

-Yeah.

-Get in line.

-When I get nervous I act out with inappropriate sexual touches.

-It's like Tourette's.

-You and me, tonight...

Third base line.

-I think I'm pregnant.

-Wow.

-Are you jealous of Ginny Flynn? You're overreacting.

-No, I am reacting.

I get to react, OK?

# I'm not looking for romance I'm trying to locate... #

Coffee black with a little milk.

Oh, God I love this place.

You always remember how I take my coffee.

Mm. Yes. I remember all things that pertain to her.

I like your new sheets. Very soft.

I'm glad you worked through your cotton-poly-blend phase.

Stick around, you'll learn all kinds of things about me.

Now I forget, you have heard of CDs right?

You hear that? You hear those lows?

Digital is bullshit.

I guess. I pretty much stopped listening to music when the Teletubbies moved into my home.

That's funny.

You know the Teletubbies?

-I'm a cultured man.

-I shouldn't talk about my kids.

Why not? It's your life. What are you going to talk about?

Yes, it is. My fabulous life.

-Give me an example.

-Of what?

What you do.

What's...what's tonight? Come on.

Uh, let's see.

Tonight Gracie is having a sleepover with her friend Kaitlyn.

-You do not like Kaitlyn.

-No, I do not.

How about Kevin? What's he up to?

OK. That I can't do.

I'm sorry.

This thing with you guys hanging out...

It's very cute but it's got to stop.

Got it. I got a couple of roxies laying around if you want 'em.

No. My back's pretty good actually.

And FYI,

I am here because I like you not because you have drugs.

Aw. You like me, huh?

-What do you want me to say, Eddie?

-What do you think?

I gotta go.

See ya.

Hey. Whoo that smells good.

-How was work?

-Oh, you know, fine. Crazy.

Did you pick up the movies?

Oh, shit. Honey, no, I'm sorry. I didn't. You know what? I'll go get 'em now.

No, no, that's fine. You're here. Just...stay here.

Uh, take over for me, please.

-All right.

-OK, girls. Corn's ready.

PHONE VIBRATES

Dad can I have a Coke?

-Negative.

-Hi, Grace, honey.

Thanks for asking. My day was fine.

Popcorn! Ow! Kaitlyn tripped me!

-No, I didn't.

-OK, let me take a look.

The kitchen stinks. I think you're burning it.

-It's better that way.

-No, it's not.

-It's better than nothing.

-You look OK.

Good thing. I didn't feel like setting any broken bones tonight.

I want a broken bone with a cast on my arm!

-I could get one for my birthday.

-Retarded.

Kaitlyn! Be nice.

OK, cranberry or apple juice?

-Cranberry.

-I don't care.

-Coke?

-No Fi. No Coke.

Hey, do you still wear diapers?

Kaitlyn, honey listen to me.

Shut the fuck up.

What?

(What?)

(She is not a nice kid.)

Her home life is a mess.

Might want to lighten up.

-Do you know what happened to my Joni Mitchell albums?

-Nope.

Fuck!

Motorcycle accident, ETA two minutes! Let's focus people!

-Can we move a little faster?!

-Zoey, go easy honey. They're fine, they're OK.

Not seeing a lot of people on their toes!

Other than Jackie and me.

Aw, geez. I'm sorry. I gotta go... And not pee.

-I can't wipe.

-Jackie?

-Zoey.

-Sam!

-Hey you're the guy on the bus stops.

-You saw that?

You're a doctor, huh? I thought you were a model. I mean you look like a model.

Thank you.

-Jealous much, Jackie?

-"If looks could cure. " No I'm good.

I am doing what it takes to bring the sick and the injured into this hospital so that I can cure them.

Call ortho. Tell them the face of All Saints is just about done here.

-You've got to give him a hand in the bathroom.

-I told you to do it.

-She's got a code coming in.

-We all set? Everybody happy?

-I'm happy if you're happy.

34-year-old female lost control of her motorcycle on the FDR.

Running two large bore IVs wide open, 69 over 40.

Get respiratory with a vent. Who's with me? Transfer. Ready. One, two, three. Who's working my lines?

-Zoey.

-Me, certainly, right now.

Oh, that leg's a bit Humpty Dumpty.

Massive internal bleeding. Shit.

-Name, what's her name?

-Jennifer.

Jennifer, are you with us? Can you hear me?

-I'm still here.

-What's that honey?

-Where am I?

-You're in All Saints hospital. You've been in an accident.

-I'm fucking alive?

-Yes, you are. We'll take very good care of you.

-No. Fuck. Please don't.

-We'll get you out of pain first. OK?

Good fuckin' luck.

Can I have 100 of sux and 40 of etomidate?

Sux and etomidate.

Zoey, call the OR.

"All gave some. Some gave all. "

Wow she's in the service.

Zoey call the O R, now.

-Bet her spleen is all but shot.

-You don't need your spleen.

Actually, Zoey, you do.

She's right. Incredibly.

New research says spleens produce all the monocytes.

Hugs for the continuing education, Dr Cooper. You'll let us know the next big thing?

At least I get my information from medical journals not from AOL like Jackie.

Well, he's got me there.

-Hi are you Trey?

-Yeah.

-Hi, Dr O'Hara wanted me to update you.

We are doing everything we can but I'm not going to blue-sky you.

She has a ruptured spleen and that's not good.

OK.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

No-one's allowed over the yellow line.

Sorry, er, hi, Tony Frambi. I'm with Cellulab.

-We are overrun with you guys.

-If...if I could, uh...

Nurse Peyton, leave you with a few samples. It's my first day.

It's not going to work.

Flopro is new for incontinence, excellent results. And Joyfulax is a real up and comer for depression.

This is an ER, Tony. People don't come here cos they're sad. I mean they do but that's not...

Um, you know, what's exciting?

Capsaicin. Studies show that it treats neuropathic pain better than any barbiturate in its class.

-Is that right?

-Uh, yeah.

-Uh, can I see the studies?

-Uh yeah. I'll bring them by tomorrow.

-Oh, that's too much.

-Oh, please I have plenty.

OK, that's... I don't... That's good.

-It's fine. See you tomorrow.

-OK.

Do you believe this?

-Who knew women could be such pigs?

-Me.

Chart for motorcycle crash, the girl with the ruptured spleen.

Poor spleen.

Minding its own business, then...bam!

Call it a day. Life as you know it is over.

Over.

C'est la vie.

Wah-wah!

SHE SIGHS

Zoey get back here.

I don't know if it's hormones or fear of being a mother or what but you're getting a little weird.

First of all, have you had a pregnancy test?

No. No. Unnecessary.

-And why is that?

-I'm pregnant.

And you know this how?

Uh, I know my body...

pretty well and they're...

Jackie walk with me, please.

The good news is our endowment's intact even though our revenues are down.

-The bad news is...

-The bad news is under your arm.

Don't speak. Listen.

If anyone knows what a crock of shit this is it's me.

But the hospital needs this to work so get behind it.

Why are we advertising inside the hospital? The patients are already here.

This is not our field of expertise, Jackie.

Our PR people have a multi-pronged strategy. This is one of the prongs.

They may not look like much to you but each of these costs 286.

Vandalising or disfiguring any Dr Coopers will be met by a shitstorm. Don't test me.

Oh, Jacks.

To think all of this could've been yours.

Ladies.

Who's the handsome guy?

It may be my face but it's our body.

Speaking of our body what's wrong with it? It doesn't appear to be quite life-size does it, Dr Cooper?

-That is weird.

-It's more than weird. I'd say it's a travesty.

-It's a tiny little travesty.

-Hmm. Miniature really.

-You think I'm stupid?

Fortunately, the face of All Saints is not petty.

MOBILE PHONE CHIMES

What?

Turn around.

You said you'd call.

I lied.

Oh, God what's wrong with me?

-This is Jackie?

-You told her about me?

-Come on, what else would I talk about?

-Where are we going for lunch? Not Barneys. Jackie, you pick.

Oh, I can't go to lunch. Thank you. There's sick people all over the place.

There's one right there I've got to deal with right now.

-Come on!

-Come on!

SHE LAUGHS

Exactly how drunk were we?

I don't know but we talk our way on to an American military slope...

-Oh!

-..in the Bavarian fucking Alps and we tell them that we're colonels' wives.

-You did. I was a general's wife.

-A general's wife, I'm sorry.

We're in the line for the lift and we just can't keep our hands off each other.

-We were a bit grabby!

-You guys!

We ended up telling this gawking sergeant that our husbands have been

deployed in Kosovo for over a year and we're just consoling each other.

We're just consoling each other.

SHE LAUGHS

Hmm. God, you're settling in Washington?

That's what they tell me.

-That's exciting.

-No, not really.

Well, good gig but once you've talked your way out of a drunk general's tent in Mogadishu,

-covering congressional hearings doesn't exactly cut it.

-Hmm.

Oh, great. A medieval war has just broken out.

Someone's shot an arrow into a man's lung.

-Oh, Cupid is having a bad day.

-I disagree.

-Well, I've got the check.

-Hey that's absurd!

-Come on.

In six years of lunches I have never seen her leave so much as a pickle.

-Sorry?

-No...

-Wow. It really is an arrow.

-Would I lie to you?

Some rich douche bag drank his lunch and then decided to shoot an arrow off his roof.

Hang on a minute. You're going after rich people who drink. I don't think I like that very much. Right.

-Let's call up to radiology for a CAT scan and a portable chest.

-Got it.

-Hey can I ask you a question about Zoey?

-Nope.

Hey, Ronnie, how you doing?

You believe this?

-It's brand new.

-What's brand new?

-I heard it but I didn't believe it.

-What?

-Wow.

-Shot by an arrow...

-Standing on sixth.

-You're here why?

-I've never even been mugged.

-Wow check it out, Carbon King. That's top of the line.

-Are you talking about the freaking arrow?

-Yes.

But my roommate in college was a member of the archery club so I know a thing or two.

At the most. Please get out of here.

-It's brand new.

-What, the arrow?

No...the lung.

Heavy is the head that wears the crown, Dr Cooper.

I've done the math.

I can cover all your shifts during your maternity leave if you cover me.

If you take my shifts my mom and I can go to Holland Michigan for the Tulip Festival, finally.

I told you about my condition for your support.

-Not so you can plan a vacation.

-I'm putting a bright spin on things.

Hey, hold on a minute. Yeah, I can do it.

Thank you. This has been a dream of ours.

So...

are you close to your mother?

Not really. She sold me into slavery when I was four and I lived on the streets until a mission intervened.

One year for a Halloween I went as a slave.

Kidding. I grew up in Jersey went to Rutgers.

Kidding. By "slave" I meant "Princess Leia."

Fucking motorcycle.

I'm sorry I curse so much.

Yeah well, fuck that.

She serves in the Helmand province, OK? Kandahar.

Jesus Christ what do I tell my kids if she dies right here at home?

I don't have the answer to that but you don't have to cross that bridge yet.

She doesn't sleep, doesn't cry,

barely fuckin' eats.

She had this bike, like, this Ducati, ten years ago.

Awesome, I mean...

awesome motorcycle.

Brad Pitt has one.

So I went out and spent, like, 8,000 on a kick-ass motorcycle.

Thought it might clear her head.

-You know?

-Yeah, I know.

I know.

Now look what I've done.

Oh, God, what did I do?

You were making her happy.

It was an accident, Trey. They're called accidents for a reason.

SHE BREATHES DEEPLY

Mm-mm. I'm not ready for this.

Being a mother's hard.

You know that already.

SHE SIGHS DEEPLY

Didn't make it.

Bleeding!

My apologies.

Is she always this...?

Yeah.

I regret my behaviour.

-Good.

-But can I just say that miracles can happen every day?

Yeah, like the day they invented rubbers. Try using them.

MOBILE VIBRATES

-Hey.

-'Hey.' How's your day going?

-'Oh, you know, same old.' Yours?

-'Good. So I want to do this'

full disclosure thing so there's no more confusion.

'I'm heading into the city for happy hour.'

We're going to play ping-pong.

Well, Jesus, Kevin I'm not your mom.

-Ping-pong?

-'Yeah.' Susan Sarandon opened up a club.

'My friend Eddie got us a table.'

-I know you're leaving but I thought you should know Mr Conroy, arrow guy, transplanted lung...

-Yes?

The man who shot him sent his driver in.

Where?

Your boss nearly kills my patient and he sends his driver in.

There's eight million people in this fuckin' city. What kind of a moron shoots an arrow off a roof?

The man he hit waited three years for a lung transplant. Guess where he got hit?

Ma'am, my boss is a freakin' dick.

-Can I just ask if they guy's OK?

-Well, yes. Miraculously he is.

Why isn't your dick of a boss in jail?

The reckless endangerment charges were dismissed. He's connected.

So, you're here to apologise?

No.

I'm here for his arrow.

He's not in there, ma'am.

-Is this a Mercedes?

-S65 AMG.

Only 15 ever made.

METALLIC SCRAPING

Nice car.

It's really gorgeous.

Got heated seats? What a beautiful piece of machinery.

What kind of mileage you get?

You missed a spot.

Argh!

Hey babe.

See what he just did?

-Shit, man, that was good.

-Hiya, Jackie.

-A little spin on that, huh?

-Yeah, a lot of spin. Yeah.

Thirsty? They got like 20 beers on tap. Get us a pitcher?

-Yeah. Yeah, let's get a pitcher.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, thanks, man.

What the hell?

What? You told me to stop seeing him.

-I never said I would.

-Why, Eddie?

Hedging my bets a little, I guess.

You lie to me again I tell him everything.

Oh, I see. So you just got the whole thing figured out, then?

As a matter of fact, I do.

Well, I guess we'll see about that, won't we?

Here we go. >

-All right!

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

-Kick his ass.

-Will do.

HE GIGGLES

You know this is pretend, right?

How long do I get to keep it on?

Well, I don't know.

-Not just for my birthday but past it, too, right?

-We will see how you do.

Really, Fi, this is really what you want?

-This will harden up and you'll be stuck with it for a little bit.

-I know.

-Mom?

-Yes, honey.

Nothing's really broken.

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