Silly String Nurse Jackie

This programme contains strong language.

Previously on Nurse Jackie...

-You know this is pretend, right?

-How long do I get to keep it on?

You shouldn't talk about my kids.

How about Kevin? What's he up to?

You guys hanging out that's very cute, but it's got to stop.

I'm on the list of the top 25 docs in all Manhattan.

We want to launch a city-wide campaign featuring you as the face of All Saints.

When I get nervous, I act out with inappropriate sexual touches.

It's like Tourette's.

-She's leaving Gaza to take a desk in Washington.

-Really?

You know Sarah Kohri? God, I could not love her more.

You said you'd call.

I lied.

-I think I'm pregnant.

-Wow.

Bleeding!

-What the hell?

-What? You told me to stop seeing him. I never said I would.

-You lie to me again, I tell him everything.

-Oh, I see. So you just got the whole thing figured out?

As a matter of fact, I do.

# The foot bone connected to the leg bone

# The leg bone connected to the knee bone

# The knee bone connected to the thigh bone

# Dem bones gonna walk around... #

Oh, God! You know what?

This stuff smells toxic. I'm sorry, it just...it does.

No, I got it. Never again. Let's just clean up so you can get to work.

SHOUTING

All right, honey. Come on. Got to stop. Go in the other room and play with your sister.

Give me that. You, behave. Oi! Get a beer.

Oh... Need a hand with anything?

No, no. We got it. Thanks.

Whoo! Oh, that mac and cheese was delicious.

Could have eaten four bowls.

The best lunch I've had in weeks.

Really, honey? You couldn't be just a little bit nicer?

What are you talking about? I was nice.

I'm just saying.

OK, have you been to...

-Egypt?

-Four times.

Really?

Catch me! Catch me!

Stop it. I'm talking. You went four times?

She's been everywhere at least four times.

Look, if you want to drop out of high school and travel the world,

you'll end up way smarter than all those other stupid kids.

I'm not in high school. I'm in fifth grade.

-Really?

-Come on! Come on!

-Don't run so fast!

-Ow! Ow!

-Ow!

-Daddy! Daddy!

Ooh, let's have a look.

Let's have a look.

I see...

Oh, sweetie, OK. Let me see.

Goodness gracious. Put this right here. Let's go into the kitchen.

No, I'll get the car. We're going to urgent care, not the kitchen.

The quicker we deal with it, the smaller the scar.

It's all right, sweetie. Upstairs under the bathroom sink is my stuff.

-Got it.

-OK, you're all right, sweetie. I got you.

Is she going to have a scar?

No way. Come on. Let's go watch.

-OK. So what do you think?

-Mmm, three stitches should do the trick.

Make sure the vermilion border heals nicely.

OK, Lidocaine, please.

Pen, please.

Right.

-Come here, you.

-I'm going to put some numbing, stuff on, OK?

Real blood.

Marvellous. You show that to all your friends cos you're not scared at all, are you, darling?

-No.

-And it's been a bloody afternoon here in Queens.

-But residents seem optimistic that everything will soon return to utter chaos.

-Ha-ha!

Why don't you lean against Daddy?

He'll help you hold still, OK, sweetie?

So next weekend we'll take Fiona's tonsils out on the porch?

You're welcome.

Dinner later?

There's at least two places I want to go, so we might have to eat at both of them.

Mmm, and a third for pudding.

Pudding, huh?

'I can't listen to every single voicemail that you leave me.

'Sweetie, what am I supposed to do?'

-Are you praying?

-What?! No. Why?

-Um, because your lips are moving and you're wearing a cross.

-Yeah...

I made a deal with God that if I wasn't pregnant I would make some

serious changes in my life and my work.

And my appearance.

And I move my lips when I read.

-What up?

-Is your face different?

I trimmed my goatee.

Mmm, looks good.

Whoa! That was, that was something, right?

-That was some heat.

-And she's definitely not pregnant.

You've got a shot, man.

Exam One. Move her gently and efficiently or I will kill you.

Both of you, now! Libby...Sussman.

'Hello? Hello!?'

Oh, my God.

That's Libby.

Sussman?

Hello?! The Sussman Foundation. The Sussman Cardiovascular Institute.

The Sussman Surgical Theatre.

Do you read any of the plaques around here?

You said Sussman like 12 times.

Do you remember feeling dizzy or nauseated before you collapsed?

Uh, I remember being at the Waldorf,

about to bid 25 grand on dinner at Per Se,

and now I'm here.

Do you remember whether or not the Sussman Foundation has decided to

increase its endowment to include the improvements in the ER?

Gloria, Gloria, the funding is coming.

You're much more attractive when you're not asking for things. Ow!

Do you mind warming your hands before you handle me?

You know, Dr O'Hara is from Britain.

Yes, I'm from the whole of Britain.

Are you still feeling light-headed, Mrs Sussman?

Yes, I am a little.

I think it's from all the talking and touching.

Well, good news is all signs point to vasovagal syncope.

Simple fainting spell, but we'll run a few tests just to be on the safe side.

EKG and a chest X-Ray for starters.

Check it out! I heard there was another celebrity in the ER.

Oh, look at him!

He's ridiculous!

Head injury?

Nope.

You look like one of my grandson's action figures.

I've always had good posture.

Really, I'm a real doctor.

No, no, no, no.

Get me somebody else. Please.

Yes, Mrs Sussman, that'll be me.

Really?

Oh, hi. Can you sign off on a patient for me?

I don't know, can I? Am I real enough for you?

Oh, well, OK, I mean...

Maybe you're not the realest person I've ever met in my entire life,

but I think that compared to most people on posters, you...

Didn't want an honest answer.

Are you Zoey?

Um...you're Sarah Kohri. Why do you know my name?

Ellie is my... Dr O'Hara...

You know Dr O'Hara? Oh, my God!

Dr O'Hara talks about me outside of work?

She does.

Are you two like...best friends?

That's what we told my Uncle Henry.

Oh. Ohhhh! God.

It's like I can't see gayness or something. It's so annoying.

Not that you're gay.

Not that you're not.

-I got bit by a, er...

-Whoa!

..brown recluse spider in Arizona two weeks ago.

Yeah, has anybody seen that?

I went to the ER in Phoenix, but the nurses were just too tan and friendly.

So you want me to treat you because I'm pale?

I don't want you to admit me because I can't possibly sit around here all day, and Ellie

tells me you're the kind of girl who gets in there and gets the job done.

This would be...off the record, right?

Exactly.

Fine.

Meet me at the end of my shift in the bathroom.

I'll get what you need.

But we've got to be cool.

By funding a dedicated chest-imaging system in the ER,

we could create cost effective ways to deal with our increased patient load.

I could take a million from the children's wing and help out the ER,

but why don't we just see how the rest of the night goes, shall we?

We could discuss these plans over sandwiches. I'll run to the deli.

The budget cuts are really getting to her.

Do you really have to take all that?

I never take more than I can use.

Oh, uh...before you leave, would you hand me my purse?

Mrs Sussman, I promise you we're got to take very good care of you,

-but the snapping and the fetching, it's going to be a problem.

-Mm-hm.

Oh!

Can you help me with this?

Thank you.

'I'm in Tehran. Yes, right now.

-'No, yeah, sure, fine....'

-SHE LAUGHS

'Baby, I leave you pretty fucking interesting messages, so of course you listen to mine.'

Jackie, would you tell Ellie that I'll pick her up after her shift for dinner?

-Work crisis.

-Sure.

-Hi.

-Hey, are you free tonight?

-I can't talk. Call you back?

Oh, she's calling me back. Are we doing this now?

I don't know what we're doing. Right now I am working.

-Don't break that.

-I have a whole bag in my office.

Oh, hi, Sarah Kohri.

Um, yes, I have the antibiotics that I stole, but...

I can't administer them because I have no idea where the frigging syringes are.

Sam, can you come in here, please?

This room needs to stay organised.

Like container store organised because if I can't find

19 gauge needles when we need them, we are screwed.

Where are the 19 gauge needles?

They're right here in the bin marked tongue depressors.

OK.

OK.

OK.

Clean this place up.

Oh, my God, I'm totally freaking out.

Do you have a minute to, like, listen to me talk about boys and not judge?

OK, so it was three weeks, no, it was four weeks ago. Wait, no, three weeks

earlier than four weeks when I thought, was the first time I talked to him...

She said she would meet you after your shift.

Did she say anything else?

To me? No, she was on the phone.

Although if I didn't know any better, I would have sworn she was on the phone with you.

Yeah, well, one in every port.

I'm just saying.

Well, yeah, I know. I know.

Zoey? Can you take Mrs Anderson outside to wait for her cab?

Absolutely.

Let me just wash my hands.

OK, I have to get a cab. I'll be right back.

If someone comes in, just tell them you're here to go to the bathroom.

Hey!

-What are you doing later?

-It's safer if you don't know.

Oh, yeah, cos you are looking pretty dangerous in those scrubs.

Last week I thought I'd be living in my parents' rec room with a newborn,

so I'm feeling like I should grab everything by the balls,

but it's confusing because I don't think I'm really a ball-grabber.

I don't know. Why are you listening? What do you want?

I just want to take you out to dinner.

-We could, like, get some enchiladas and chill or...

-Uh, fine, maybe.

-Can you wait with her till her cab comes? I've got some shit to take care of.

-Oh, sure.

Fine, maybe. Hee-hee!

GASPING

Oh, oh! OK.

You can't jerk your arm back or we won't be able to help you.

-It hurts.

-You know what hurts?

Having my authority called into question because of my looks.

HE GROANS LOUDLY

-What's your opinion?

-Just cut it off. Cut my finger off.

Again, it's not appropriate.

Come on, I'm asking you for your opinion.

Attractive man to attractive man.

OK... Honestly, I think you should smile and tell people to go fuck themselves.

So I should say something?

All right, chief, next time you get a manicure,

do what I do - EYO cuticle clippers.

Ow!

Gotcha.

-What?

-Really, Zoey, what the hell?

I'm going to the bathroom.

I have a bladder infection.

-You are a terrible liar.

-I know.

MOUTHS: I'm sorry.

Oh, shit.

You know it all, don't you?

She has got a brown recluse spider bite that's gone untreated.

There is blistering and the initial indications of skin death around the mark.

She didn't want to be admitted, so I...

pinched two 19 gauge needles and some Augmentin from the supply closet.

Get out of here.

Well, I can give you two shots in one cheek and you'll be sitting funny, or I can give

you a shot in each cheek and you won't be sitting at all.

Surprise me.

Look, I've been in the States for just over two weeks with someone else.

I didn't want to have to tell Ellie that I'd been here and not called her right away.

Didn't want the questions.

I know. The questions would make you feel awful. I get it.

-I really do get it.

-She knows.

She maybe doesn't talk about it, but this is what we do.

This might be what you do.

As if she isn't running around with some boy half her age?

OK. She's my friend.

Are you ready for this?

-Oh, fuck fuck!

-OK?

Oh, God, that hurt!

It knocks the wind out of you.

One more and you are done.

It's not like I don't love her.

I know. Are you ready?

Nah.

OK, go ahead.

I'm tired of people walking in and out of here.

-Don't you knock?

-No, we don't.

But we will be discharging you in just a few minutes.

Oh, how wonderful.

Could somebody call my driver and tell him to pick me up here.

I'm sorry, Mrs Sussman, that's not my job.

-Who says?

-I'm sorry, but I need to say something.

I am a doctor and I am good-looking, but there is no amount of money that gives you the right to come

in here and discredit me in front of the people I work with! Who the hell do you think you are?

I don't know who you are.

And I realise there are institutions like All Saints that put people

like you on a poster and make you feel important, but you're not.

Because it's people like me who make doctors like you worthwhile at all!

There are parts of this hospital that wouldn't exist without my support.

I built them up like that and I can tear you down just as easily, you silly little runt.

Oh, Jesus God! Dr Cooper.

Take your hands off me!

I wish that I could.

Gloria, do you see this?

Not one dime. Not one fucking dime!

Let me get this straight.

You've done this before? To her?

Yes, he did. But to his credit, he's never grabbed a patient.

You know, before...this.

Do you know what will happen if Libby pulls her funding?

If she doesn't allocate anything to the ER because of this.

We're screwed!

We are completely screwed!

OK, we can fix this.

Here.

Have a sandwich.

It may be your last.

-Maybe I should...

-No.

Need help! >

She's stroking out.

A fucking bleed? You have got to be kidding me.

We ran every test, right? Did we miss something?

-Fine motor problems? Slurring?

-Nothing. Don't just stand there. Take over compressions.

-I don't think I should go anywhere near her chest.

-Do your job.

Go.

Go get the pads.

The events leading up to her death,

were unavoidable.

And it is our responsibility to carry out her dying wish, to take

1 million from the children's wing and give it to the ER, right?

We all heard that, right?

Right?

-Hey.

-Hey.

So listen,

I need some time to, um, figure out if you are the love of my life,

or...a pathological liar. And I don't think that seeing you is going to help.

-Well, you keep moving the target so I don't know what you expect.

-What?

'First you're single, then you're a single mother, then you're married with two kids.'

Half the time I'm with you I don't know what the fuck to think.

-'You don't want me to get too close, do you?'

-No, I do.

I just I need to take a breath.

Well, listen, take a couple.

Just don't think I'm, you know, sitting at home waiting by the phone.

-Yeah, where are you now?

-Home.

Frank, no, pick us up on the South side of the street.

-Yeah, no, South.

-We're right outside the hospital! Forget it, let's just get a cab.

Fine. You know what?

Go without me.

Baby, I'm so glad you waited up. Oh, I love it.

We used to do this all the time.

I'd stay up for you, you'd stay up for me,

-We'd talk. Remember that?

-Sure.

Sure do.

I'm serious. We don't do that any more.

I know, I know. We can do it right now.

Boy, that was a great party.

-Cake. Great cake.

-Yes, great cake.

What, you want to talk? That's fine. OK, let's we'll talk. Go ahead.

Stop checking things off your list.

-I'm not something for you to get done.

-Wow.

Jesus, Kev.

You know why we had "great cake", Jackie?

Because while you were working, I went out and got it.

I know that, Kevin. I work. I appreciate you going out...

No, what you appreciate is people doing whatever you want and not getting in your way.

You want to stitch up our kid in the kitchen?!

Go ahead. And I don't give a fuck if your friend is a doctor!

When I say I want to take our daughter to the hospital, I mean it!

-I know you mean it, Kevin.

-You don't listen to a fucking thing I say!

Get in the car, go to urgent care.

Take an extra day off. It's like I'm white noise between you and wherever you're going.

Wait a second, Kevin. I have taken more time off in the last month than I have in the past two years.

And that makes up for what?

What is it I'm making up for, Kevin?

You've taken five days off in the last two years. Is that enough?

Enough for what? What the fuck?

It doesn't even matter because most of the time when you're home you're not here.

Yeah, you're standing here, but you're a million miles away.

I don't know where the fuck you go!

I'm doing the best I can, Kevin!

I go to work, I work really hard and then I come home, OK?

-I always fucking come home. I always come home.

-You always come home

and then you pretend like you didn't miss anything. And then you run around and try and fix shit.

You become a shitstorm of fix it, fix it, fix it! That's the last thing Gracie needs.

Gracie?! Who said anything about Gracie?

You're not going to fucking put this on me. Fuck you, Kevin.

I don't make her anxious. I'm here.

Of course you're here. Where the hell else are you going to to be? At a concert?

At a fucking class? Reading a book somewhere? No, this is where you are, this is where you were,

this is where you're always going to be cos you're a fucking bartender!

You have no idea what my life is like. You have no idea what it feels like to be me.

# Don't feel bad because the sun went down

# The night has wealth untold... #

Can I get a cup of coffee and a piece of chocolate pie, please? Thank you.

# ..The moon is made of gold... #