Monkey Bits Nurse Jackie

Previously on Nurse Jackie...

This programme contains strong language

I've been in the States for just over two weeks with someone else.

I didn't want to tell Ellie that I'd been here

and not called her right away.

I get it. I really do get it.

Take your hands off me.

I... I wish that I could.

What is hospital policy on lost or found drugs?

-Don't worry, I'll take care of it.

-Why so desperate?

Do you want to get your ass kicked?

You know this is pretend, right?

How long do I get to keep it on?

-Don't run so fast!

-No! Ow, ow!

-Daddy!

-Mum!

Real blood.

One of my nurses needs a paediatric psych referral.

-Which one?

-She'd rather not say.

I don't make her anxious. I'm here.

Where the hell else are you going to be?

You're a fucking bartender!

I just... I need to take a breath.

Well, listen, take a couple.

Just don't think I'm, you know, sitting at home waiting by the phone.

'Yeah? Where are you now?'

Home.

BELL RINGS

Fiona, sweetheart, I want you to know you're not in any trouble

-and you haven't done anything wrong.

-I know.

And you're in a safe place.

You can tell me anything, and you're still in a safe place.

-Do you understand?

-Like what?

Well... What about your cast?

It's my show and tell.

It's got blood on it, real blood. Says so right there.

You want to tell me about that?

That's from my lip. I got stitches, see?

Look.

Whoa, those are good stitches.

Hey, what did they say at the doctor's office?

Did anybody talk to your mum and dad?

We didn't go to the doctor's office, we sewed it up in our kitchen.

In your kitchen? OK.

Fiona, honey, who knows you got hurt? Besides your mum and dad?

Of course not!

The arm's not broken! You know that, right?

I mean, jeez, it's just a cast, OK?

She wanted it for show and tell, her mother's a nurse.

Yes. All right, yeah, of course. I understand.

Look, listen, listen.

Let me talk to my wife, all right, before everybody goes nuts here.

OK, yeah. Good, fine.

Shit.

What can I tell you, people?

I'm working with one hand tied behind my back here.

The budget is the budget, can't do anything about that.

Be that as it may,

it's my job to squeeze every last bit out of my resources.

To that end, I'm assessing your performance.

And I'm not doing it privately.

Zoey...

Good.

Thor, improving.

Sam, you need work.

-Jackie...

-Don't even think about it.

-Wouldn't dream of it.

Jackie, Sam's going to shadow you this morning.

Watch and learn, young man.

Always watching, always learning.

Whatever it is, work it out.

-I do not like that guy.

-I do not care.

Take it up with HR.

I'd be happy to go to HR.

-Shouldn't you be peeing in a cup somewhere?

-Shouldn't you?

-PHONE VIBRATES

-Hey, Kev, what's up?

-Spagnolo wants us to explain the cast.

You've gotta be kidding me?

-Nope.

-'Spagnolo needs to mind his own goddamn business.'

If every parent of every kid who showed up with a black eye or a chipped tooth

had to explain themselves when we were kids, can you fucking imagine?

I know, I'm with you.

-Oh, shit.

-'What?'

I've got to take Grace to Dr Bowen at four.

Oh, fuck. The shrink, I forgot.

All right, let me take her, I'll take Grace.

OK, great. Yes, you handle Grace, I'll handle Fiona.

Jackie...

PHONE RINGS

-May I help you?

-I need a town car and a saw.

-You're a real little day brightener, aren't you?

-I try.

-Right.

-Can you leave that on?

-Can I?

And the lab coat and the badge.

Oh, it just gets better and better.

Did everybody see how carefully Dr O'Hara used her saw

to free Fiona's arm?

-ALL:

-Yes.

The arm that was not actually broken.

Ca va? Ca va bien.

-How does it feel, Miss Fiona?

-Itchy, tingly.

Now, children, had this been an actual broken bone,

Fiona's arm would be quite bruised,

and she wouldn't be able to wiggle her fingers like this.

Wiggle your fingers, sweetheart.

Are we satisfied?

Real blood, fake cast.

Here you go.

OK, everyone. Happy show and tell.

Lives to save. Shall we?

-ALL:

-Bye-bye!

-Bye!

PHONE RINGS

-Everything OK with you guys?

-Oh, not really.

-And not now.

-OK.

-It's not that I'm unwilling to discuss it, but not here.

-Of course.

Jacks...

What if I came to Queens tonight?

And what if you and Kevin and I had a bottle of Scotch

and a plate of those little monkey bits?

-Buffalo wings?

-Yeah. Fucking appalling.

You got it.

SHE LAUGHS

-You can stop laughing.

-You...

You grabbed an old lady's breasts, and she keeled over and died!

It's pretty funny.

Remember that time in ninth grade when what's-her-face's mum waited up

until four in the morning, pissed,

standing in the doorway in a ratty old robe with a cup of coffee,

and you kept reaching for her tits and I kept having to hold your arm down.

What about you?

Hmm? What about me?

Cos I know this guy, a little bit older, smart,

likes all that indie crap you like.

Public radio, hmm?

Might go to plays, I'm not sure. Really cool.

BLEEP

-Ooh, gunshot coming in.

-Wait, wait, wait.

This guy, is he anything like you?

Total opposite.

Count me in.

Great. I'll set you up.

24-year-old female found down Union Square,

witnessed to fall, came to.

Another skinny chick from Vogue passing out on the subway.

Pump her with fluids and get her out,

-we've got a gunshot coming.

-I want the gunshot.

Excuse me, I'm your gunshot.

Assholes.

And, by the way, I'm at Allure, not Vogue, so fucking bite me.

I stand corrected.

So there was like a pop on the platform,

but I was halfway on the train, so I couldn't tell.

-Which train?

-The six.

-That's either way. Union Square?

-Gramercy.

-Anyway...

-Mind your business.

-Quit picking on me.

-Just her way of showing she likes you. Been there, done that.

-Sorry?

-Excuse me...

Bullet in my head.

-Where are we at with CT?

-Neuro's on it.

You need a CT to find the bullet? It's right here, frontal lobe.

We need to know exactly which vessels are affected.

We're trying to avoid a bleed.

Oh, my God.

New York mag, "If Looks Could Cure".

Oh, it took me until now...

If I make it out of surgery, want to get a drink?

Surgery's going to be a breeze.

Cool.

Do not make promises you cannot keep.

Dr Cooper, neuro's going to meet you in the OR.

-It is there anybody you want me to contact?

-My mum.

I am so scared.

Lily, look at me. Do I look scared?

-No.

-If I'm not scared, you shouldn't be scared.

There's a lot going on...

-I will be there when you wake up. OK?

-Thank you.

HE BEATS A RHYTHM

Do you fucking mind?

I don't think he's a good candidate for tough love.

-I didn't ask.

-Copy that.

-Excuse me, sir...

-Can I help you?

My husband's in respiratory failure,

they wouldn't let me in the ambulance. I need to sit.

-Yes, you probably do.

-Have you seen him?

-What's his name?

-Marcus Frunk.

-Where's Marcus Frunk?

-O'Hara, trauma one.

-Right, come with me.

He was changing a lightbulb. Just changing a lightbulb.

-I'm John Decker.

-Jackie Peyton, nice to meet you.

-You will thank me.

-I will not thank you.

What on earth makes you think I need an assist?

I don't know. I'm doing it more for her than you.

I'm telling you, you're right up her alley.

Well, newsflash, I'm up a lot of girls' alleys.

-Did that come out wrong?

-Actually, it did.

Point is, I'm good, Coop. I'm good.

But the question is, could you be better? Hmm?

The thing is, I am seeing someone.

To tell you the truth, sometimes it doesn't feel

like that much of a two-way street, if you get my drift.

Hmm, not sure that I do.

-Hey, what's up, All Saints?

-What's up?

Can you believe that?!

Sadly, Coop, I do.

See, that's Georgia.

Just saying.

When was that taken?

This morning.

Right? Hmm?

-I'm in.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

That chair belongs in Admitting.

Leave him alone, Gloria. He's not going anywhere.

Did I ask him to go anywhere? Sir, did I ask you to go anywhere?

No, ma'am, you did not.

-Excuse me.

-Zoey, go around.

No, I meant "excuse me" because I thought I might bump into him,

not "excuse me" because I want him to move.

-Excuse me, I'm right here.

-And I, for one, do not want you to move.

Can I get you anything? Diet Coke? meal tray? Ensure?

No, thank you.

Hospital's got a new handyman?

-No, he is a paper hanger. And his husband's in respiratory failure.

-Oh.

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-I'm Dr Cooper. Welcome to All Saints.

John Decker. Uh, ordinarily I'd say "pleased to meet you,"

but...I'm not pleased to meet anyone right now.

Got it.

It might comfort you to know that I have two moms.

-Comfort me why?

-Because you're married...

..to a guy.

He's a mess.

And thank you for paving the way.

Can I not be gay right now?

Can I just be a guy whose spouse is dying?

Can I have that, please?

Uh, you're John?

I am.

-Could we have a word in my office?

-What's wrong with right here?

Blocking the hallway. Not that it matters.

I want to stay nearby. 26 years. We got this far, right?

Hmm. Jackie?

Chest pains are not uncommon with these particular meds.

However, patient proceeded to go into respiratory failure, which...

Uh, I'm sorry, you just... My stomach got a little...when you called him "patient".

How about he's Marcus, until he's not?

My concern at this stage of the game is that the body's failing.

And the heart wants to follow suit, but the defib won't let it.

What I think is that you need to speak with Dr Hayes from Cardiology,

who may or may not broach the subject of deactivating your husband's defibrillator.

Well, Dr Hayes is going to have to come to us. We're not going to him.

-BOTH:

-Her.

-What's he at?

-Uh, his sat's at 80.

He's not in any pain, is he?

-No.

-No.

He has more brains asleep than Einstein had awake... For the record.

Lily's out of surgery.

In a minute, Zoey.

They saved the bullet. Yuck.

Who takes the last glove and leaves the box on the counter?

My bad. "When you are wrong, promptly admit it."

That's from AA.

"You are deeply sober."

PHONE VIBRATES

How you doing over there, Mr Decker?

How do you think?

Who do you think made all these pictures?

I think her patients probably made 'em.

Am I a patient?

Well, let's see if we like Dr Bowen first.

I think it would be good to be a patient.

Those hard to change?

Catheter? No. It's very easy.

"Sing to him each spring to him and worship the trousers that cling to him."

That's Rodgers and Hart. You probably didn't know that.

No, I probably didn't.

Uh, Dr Hayes is on her way, EKG in hand.

He's quite elegant, isn't he?

You think it's crazy that a guy like him would spend his life with a guy like me, huh?

Don't think it's crazy at all.

I think it's a little crazy.

-Mr Decker...

-OK, I will leave you two alone.

-There are three of us.

Indeed there are. I'm sorry.

How'd it go with Dr Bowen?

-KEVIN: 'I think she likes her.'

-Well, that's good, right?

-Can you put Gracie on?

-'She doesn't want to talk to you, babe. I'm sorry.

'I don't know what to do.

'Do you want me to ask her again?'

No, let her be.

Bye.

You ever suddenly hate the way your hair stuff smells?

That looks about right.

So she's got other people in her life? You know,

what are you going to do?

For whatever it's worth, it is possible to love more than one person at a time.

I love Kevin. I love Eddie.

I might love Eddie.

I'd rather be dead than be Kevin or Eddie.

Don't get me wrong, I liked Sarah.

But I'm glad she's gone.

What can I say?

I like being your girl.

Jackie, I'm one short for half a shift. I need you.

You can't have me. What's going on?

Guy was a lawyer, he's got a DNR.

Husband signed for the deactivation, and now he's back-pedalling.

So he's not ready.

I've got an eighth grade cello recital in 45 minutes.

Same thing happened during the Christmas concert.

I just wanted to say good night.

Um, can I ask you something?

Sure.

How do they...

-You know, when...

-The cardiologist didn't tell you?

I don't like her.

Well, Dr Hayes will wave a little device over his heart.

It just takes a couple of seconds.

And whatever he has in there, pacemaker, defibrillator...

-Record players, sewing machines.

-Yes, it'll all be turned off.

And what if we leave it on?

Well, um, his body's failing.

And eventually his heart will stop beating but the defibrillator will shock it back to life.

So the heart will just continue to beat.

But the rest of him will be gone?

It's a quality of life thing.

My life's going to suck either way.

And if we deactivate it?

Well, he will go back to the heart he was born with.

Which is a shitty heart, you know what I mean?

More than you know.

OK, we're getting there.

Will it hurt when they turn it off?

No.

Just wondering how we're doing in here?

What's the matter, got some place else you gotta be? Am I keeping you?

Is he fucking with your schedule?

Lucky for you, this is going down on my timeline.

My timeline.

I say when, not you, not her, not them assholes still want their fucking chair back.

I say when. Me. John Decker.

I have four hours of overtime.

Going, going.

Who has seniority?

Zoey Barkow, you want the shift?

Oh, my God, I'm so flattered.

Don't be. All you did was get here first.

I'm still flattered.

The jell-o and the broth treating you all right?

Fine, thanks.

Hey, what'd I tell you? Surgery was a breeze.

Was I right or was I right?

Jackie, thought you left.

-I heard you saved the bullet.

-Check it out.

-Are you afraid to touch it?

-A little.

You owe me a drink.

Hmm. Top of my list.

May I?

That was in my brain.

Which is fine, by the way.

Yes, I heard.

You said you were going to be there when I woke up.

It was the only reason I didn't completely lose my shit.

I know, honey.

And then the day just sort of got away from me. I'm sorry.

Do you want me to get rid of this for you?

I want you to hang onto it.

Keep your fucking promises.

Monkey bits for the ladies.

Welcome to the Red Owl.

This may very well turn out to be my favourite place on the planet.

No Sarah tonight, huh?

What? I like her. She's great.

Oh, fuck. Sorry.

No. Nonsense, regarding apologies.

And double nonsense regarding putting that back on the shelf.

That stays right here.

No no, come on. You're my guest.

I drink a lot.

-I have a lot.

-OK, then, so, you both win.

Here's to us.

You were a big hit with the second grade.

Probably helped us dodge a bullet from protective services.

Don't even kid.

-Yo, Eddie, what's up?

-Hey.

Oh, my God, he's completely mad.

Kevin, Jackie, I want you to meet Georgia.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Hey, I'm Eddie.

-You look familiar.

-Oh, isn't that funny?

She's a friend of mine from work. There's no reason you would know her.

No. No. I know I know you.

Mm, I'm assuring you, you don't.

-He's just saying you look familiar. So what do we drink?

-Scotch.

Somebody means business.

I'm not getting back on your bike if you drink.

Then I guess I'll have a coke and a smoke.

Can I have a large Coca-Cola with a lot of ice

and whatever the cutie is having.

I hate making out with smokers.

No-one's got a gun to your head.

How did you guys meet?

Oh, my buddy Coop introduced us.

Hey, Jackie, you know you work with a guy named Coop.

Oh, God, Jacks, do you know what? Oh, God, I completely forgot.

Um, it's really important.

Kev, it's been delightful as always.

You know what, honey, I should go with her, OK? It's been a rough day.

-Lovely to meet you, Georgia, is it?

-Yes, yes.

Kev, your machine's broken.

You know what, it's only working with quarters.

Thanks, honey, I'll see you later.

Nice to meet you.

Take your cigs, take your girl, Get the fuck out of my bar.

Thanks, Jackie(!)

# I'll sing to him

# Each spring to him

# And worship the trousers that cling to him

# Bewitched, bothered and bewildered, am I. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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