P.O. Box Nurse Jackie

This programme contains strong language.

-Had this been an actual broken bone, Fiona's arm would be quite bruised.

-Real blood, fake cast.

I think it would be good to be a patient.

I talked to Kevin about your idea of a gift for the girls and I...

It just makes him uncomfortable.

Every interaction is stored in the Pill-O-Matix memory.

It's totally inappropriate to have this meeting in front of Eddie.

-Your shitty pill dispenser is replacing me.

-What up?

Is your face different?

-Yeah. I trimmed my goatee.

-Looks good.

-I do not like that guy.

-I do not care. Take it up with HR.

-I'd be happy to go to HR.

-Shouldn't you be peeing in a cup somewhere?

Shouldn't you?

When I get nervous, I act out with inappropriate sexual touches.

-It's like Tourette's.

-Yo, Eddie, what's up?

-Hey.

Oh, my God, he's completely mad.

And everyone said I had the coolest show-and-tell ever.

And Dr O'Hara took a big saw and cut off my cast.

And she was wearing a really pretty purple dress with high heels.

I know, honey. I was there, remember?

-You were?

-Yes. Eat your burger.

-She smells like flowers.

-Really? What do I smell like?

I really want to send Fi to Immaculate Virgin with Grace.

-She's perfectly happy where she is.

-Well, I'm not.

This year, last year, both teachers calling our parenting into question? It's none of their goddamn business.

No, I don't disagree, but where will the money come from?

No. We're not taking handouts from O'Hara or anyone.

It's not a handout. And it's not for us. It's for the girls.

Jackie, I'm not having this conversation again, OK? Promise me.

All right. Well, we can figure something out.

You need to hear me.

You need to promise me that we're not going to take that money.

OK, I promise.

-Mommy, can I have Grace's French fries?

-Why, where's Grace?

She's in the bathroom.

She said she needed some privacy.

Why does she need privacy? She's a kid.

Grace, are you OK?

Grace, open the door.

-Hey, are you OK? What's going on?

-Nothing.

-Are you sure?

I'll find out what's going on at those sessions.

She won't tell you what they talk about.

Dr Bowen said Grace will open up about it when she wants to.

-That's a bunch of crap. I'm her mother.

-When she's ready to talk to you, sweetie, she will.

How am I supposed to help her if everything is a secret?

Hi. I need a money order, please.

Ooh! Full moon, totally called it.

-Asshole.

-Totally called it.

-How is this tangled already?

This day is already too long. A little help here!

Took a while to bring it up - it's always a difficult discussion.

-Why, cos you make more than he does?

-No, it's no fun to talk about money when you don't have any.

Whoa! It itches! It itches! Get it off!

Fun when you did it, not so fun now!

So anyway, he agreed.

He finally agreed to let you set up a college fund for the girls.

If I believed in crying at work, I would be tearing up. I'm thrilled!

Yes, but instead of a college fund, can we make it an education fund?

-I really want to get Fiona into private school...

-Yes, yes! Whoo!

-Wait, my back, my back!

-Oh, my God, sorry sorry sorry!

Stab wound, upper abdomen, he's losing a lot of blood.

I'm really happy about this, Jacks.

Kind of slow there, Jackie. Where's the hustle?

Prepare to die.

That guy in three peed all over my shoes.

-That sucks.

-It's fine.

I'm riding a pink cloud.

-Oh.

-It's an AA thing. It means I'm in a good mood.

Oh. I swear if Hostess made a pink cloud, I'd eat it.

I wish they had better snacks here.

The whole place is sub par.

I launch a killer campaign to bring in better patients,

and no-one around here knows how to take it to the next level.

You're good.

I'm like a shark, man. If I'm not moving, I'm dying.

30s, head trauma, picked him up at the Carlton Hotel.

Looks like it could be DV.

What's a DV? Is that serious?

Domestic violence, is that true?

Well, yeah, I guess. I hit him, but only after he hit me.

Oh, come on, Suzy, you beat me on the head with a jar of cashews.

-Oh, expensive.

-Tell me about it. And she kicked me.

-You want to tell them everything? Go ahead.

-Look, I'm done with this.

Why don't you go call your mother and complain about me some more?

-Oh, fuck you.

-OK. All right. Calm down.

-He deserves it. You deserve it!

-Hey!

Back off!

You're all right. You're OK.

OK. Don't worry, honey.

With a little extra pressure here, we'll get it to stop.

Can I get a hand in here, please? Zoey?

Thor?

-Sam? Anybody?

-Is there a problem?

Yes, I got a pumper here. Can you jump in, please?

Yes. Thank you.

No-one met us at the bay. This guy needs an EKG. 220/100, chest pains, but no history of MI.

-Oh, Jesus.

-Good?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go. Go.

-Let's get him on the bed!

-OK, I need you to be still.

OK, I'll get you something for the pain.

Gloria, I'll keep an eye on your EKG, OK? You get me four morphine.

Gotta go find out where these other fuckers are.

-What IS this?

-Broken. Again.

All right, everyone, listen very carefully, because I'm only gonna say this once.

This machine is a piece of shit.

I think I'll say it again.

This machine is a piece of shit!

What do you need?

Look, I'm fine. It's just a little headache.

Let me get out of here.

Indulge me. Follow my finger.

Can you smile for me?

-Clench your teeth.

-That's easy for him to do. He's from Connecticut.

-Well, the money never seemed to bother you, did it?

-Money's not the problem, Timothy.

Can I speak to you outside for a minute?

Um, look, he's got a pretty serious head gash, and, clearly, the two of you have some issues.

You don't know the half of it. I need a diet Coke.

Thor, can you give Suzy a tour of the vending machines, please?

You betcha. They're beautiful this time of year.

The Skittles are in bloom.

So what happened?

I told her we couldn't go away every weekend.

She threw a jar of nuts at my head, and before she could throw the whole minibar, I shoved her back.

-Dude, you can't hit a woman.

-Well, I had to defend myself.

There is no excuse for hitting a woman, ever.

Well, it's not like I make a habit of this, but she pushed me too far.

Jackie?

Uh, no, I don't think men should hit women, but if someone bashes you

in the head without provocation, you have the right to defend yourself.

No, you don't - not if you're a guy, and the hitter is a woman.

-Well, I disagree.

-Yeah, me too.

So you're advocating violence against women?

No, of course not. I'm just saying it's a two-way street.

I can't believe I'm standing here listening to this insanity.

You're a little touchy. What's up? The modelling career petering out?

You're all fucking nuts.

He'll be right back.

Hi, Dr Bowen.

Yes, thanks for getting back to me.

Yeah, I'm sorry about the voicemails.

Uh, I'm just a little perplexed about why you can't tell me what's going on with the therapy sessions with Grace.

I mean, I know it's her time, but I really do need to know what's going on.

Can you tell her that maybe she can share some of what she talks about?

OK. Great.

All right, that's something. Thanks.

Bye.

-Hey, guys. What's going on?

-I got knocked out of the bike lane by this tiny-ass woman in a big-butt SUV.

Yeah, it totally wasn't his fault, and she didn't stop. She was on her cellphone, an LG280.

-That's like six years old. I was like, I can't believe these still exist.

-I have an insurance card.

I'm a full-time student. You so don't have to call my parents.

-Where did you get hit?

-Well, I got clipped in the leg, and when I fell,

I heard this crack, and it pretty much felt like my hip was on fire.

Uh, Zoey, can I get a wheelchair?

Dude, do you want me to go back to the dorm, get your anthro paper, bring it in when I turn in mine?

-Yeah, could you just spellcheck it one more time?

-OK.

-You're in good hands.

OK, so should I go? I mean, I could go and then come back.

He'll be with me. He'll be fine. Aw.

-So, the Pill-O-Matix is a piece of shit?

-I'd forgotten. When you're a nurse, if you say something

in one part of the hospital, it will always trickle back to the station. Yeah, it's a piece of shit.

So get rid of it. Get a new one.

The patient in three is screaming for pain meds. Can somebody do that?

Yes, when somebody asks nicely.

You'll be happy to know I'm gonna begin interviewing for a pharmacist.

I've already put in a call to Eddie Walzer.

Awesome! Seriously, there's not a doctor here that's not gonna be psyched to have him back.

You want to bring Eddie back to the pharmacy?

Am I wrong or wasn't this a budgetary issue?

Between paying for the machine, the repairs and the security I had

to hire to guard the goddamn thing, it was more expensive.

That doesn't mean that Eddie Walzer's the solution.

-I mean, I'm sure there's lots of great candidates out there.

-Isn't she great? She's so loyal.

Out of sight, out of mind - just like the guy in three who needs pain meds now.

Look, nurse to nurse, this is not about the doctors.

This decision directly affects the nurses.

Eddie kinda lost it in when the Pill-O-Matix came. It's not that he wasn't good at his job, but...

All right, I hear you.

Hey, I don't want to interrupt your flow, but I kind of have something important to do today.

Are you asking for time off? Today? Right now? This day?!

Reconsider!

It's been so great having you on the floor.

It's like when the President goes to visit a factory for a day and he's all in there with the people.

Like you have been with us.

You want some? Thor says they're in bloom.

Everyone there is just out for themselves.

I was trying to give something back, you know?

There was so much promise in the face of All Saints.

-Now it's just gone to shit.

-Mmm.

That's a tough break, Coop.

Yeah. I already feel better talking to you about it.

Hey, on the bright side, Akalitus might want to bring you back.

-No kidding?

-Yeah. I think your biggest roadblock's gonna be Jackie.

She thinks things are fine the way they are.

-Yeah, well, it's a good thing Jackie doesn't call all the shots, right?

-No shit.

You know what we need? A guys' night out. Hmm?

Toss a few back, play some darts. You free tonight?

-Actually, I already have plans with your pal, Georgia.

-Ugh.

-I introduced the two of you - how's that for the ultimate irony?

-What?

Well, I want to hang out with you, but you're busy because of me.

It's ironic.

I'll take your word for it.

No, no, it's ironic. Trust me.

-Would you like some milk duds with your sugarfree gum?

-No, thanks.

It's a big day.

I'm celebrating.

-Six months sober today.

-Wow, congratulations.

-That's a big deal. Right?

-Yeah.

So I was wondering if I could skip out for, like, an hour.

I'm working a double and I was hoping to pick up my chip on the actual day.

-My sponsor's gonna be there.

-Fine. Go.

I, uh, you know, I respect what you're doing.

Thanks.

Ooh, Jacks, good.

-How do you want to do this?

-Do what? I'm just looking for a quiet place to sit down.

The money... I can either pay the school directly or would you prefer it if I just send you a cheque?

I don't know. Would that be weird, me just getting a big cheque?

It's not a sweepstakes.

It's a normal-size cheque for an amount that won't make me think twice.

Have you eaten?

Coffee, banana, Vicodin.

Breakfast of champions.

Meanwhile, please step away from the gurney transfers and the heavy lifting.

You have Thor. He's a giant.

Use him.

And for the love of all that's good and holy, get an MRI.

I almost don't want to see the damage.

Closer to godmother by the second.

-OK, you know what? We can't exactly rechristen the girls. Not that you wouldn't be great at it.

-I know.

I know. But if you and Kevin die in a fiery plane crash, they will be mine.

-We don't get away very much.

-So let me pay for a trip!

I feel so much better.

Pain meds. Sort of like four Captain Morgans and OJ.

I'm not gonna throw up, though, am I?

-Highly unlikely.

-Hello!

All right - bad news, I'm afraid.

You've got a hairline fracture in your hip.

Ortho will be down for a consult, but basically it will be about eight to 12 weeks before you're healed.

-That's a whole semester.

-Yeah, you should really talk to your parents.

Um, do you think you could call them?

They'd feel better hearing it from someone older than me.

Not by that much.

I have to leave school if I can't get around.

-Do you have an iPhone?

-Yeah.

-Let me have it.

-Why?

-Give it.

-Look sadder.

-No, just stop. Please.

-Just do it.

Perfect.

Uh, e-mail that to five girls you know and write, "Just mowed down by big rig. Truckers are dicks.

"At All Saints right now. What are you guys doing?"

And then what?

Then wait.

OK. So we are almost caught up.

Thank you, Gloria, very much.

It was my pleasure.

It's like riding a bike, you never forget.

Would you mind sticking around for a little bit longer? Sam has been MIA for over an hour.

I don't know where he goes. This is not the first time this has happened.

I told that shit not to go anywhere.

Well...

Son of a bitch.

-Dr Cooper said you refused a cat scan.

-I just want to get out of here.

I am required to inform you you'll be leaving against medical advice.

That being said, you need to keep the stitches dry...

Tim! What happened to you?

I just got a call from the insurance company. They're denying coverage because you didn't pay the premium?

Why don't you let me pay the bills?

Who are you? Who is she?

-Oh, God. Can I get a handover here, please?

-Oh! Easy, bro.

Get him in the sled. I'm right behind you. Go.

He vomited blood and passed out.

-Oh, wow. She really did kick him.

-According to you, he probably deserved it.

-Excuse me?

-Yeah, let's all hit each other. Kumbaya.

-Hey, guys. Dr Cooper.

-Watch the attitude.

-MY attitude?

You're telling everybody to beat the crap out of each other,

to defend themselves, and now look what happened.

Dr Cooper, I did not kick this man.

Well, you might as well have, because you're a domestic violence advocate.

-And you're abusive to nurses.

-Uh, his BP is dropping. I think we need to intubate.

If I said half the shit that I wanted to, you'd be reduced to tears on a daily basis. I hold back!

You're lucky that I have this much restraint!

Dr Cooper, pay attention! You need to pay attention!

Ah!

-Aw, shit.

-Dude! Dude! What the hell?

Guys! Guys! Enough!

-He hit me!

-Lenny, that thing, it's a tic.

-It's Tourette's. He can't help it.

-It's a tic?

-Yes.

-Oh, man. Oh, man.

-I'm so sorry.

-Dr Cooper, get over here and intubate your fucking patient.

Dude, it was a reflex, and I didn't know you had the tic thing.

Find O'Hara. Go.

Call respiratory.

Fabulous! Who hit who first?

Well, Dr Cooper swung first, but Lenny connected first.

I think it's romantic. He was defending your honour.

I don't need defending.

Oh, everyone needs defending.

Well, hello! And who are all of you?

Oh, this is Bethany and Tomisson and Jane. Uh, they all offered to help me till my hip heals.

-So I don't have to go home now.

-Yeah, we're all over it. We organised shifts for this week.

Oh, how nice.

-Thanks again for everything.

-Ah!

Now, get out of here, you crazy kids!

That's not gonna end well.

One of the great things about having four sisters was I always had my own room.

Oh, I bet they hated you.

Yeah, I think they still do a little.

Well, I think guys who are raised around a lot of women grow up to be more trustworthy.

They learn the big lessons early.

Well, I have certainly learned a lot of lessons from women.

Hmm.

MOBILE BEEPS

Mmm. It's Coop.

Oh, shit.

He's in...he's in the ER.

-He's always in the ER.

-No, he says he's a patient in the ER.

-Oh. Well, it's about time.

-I'm out, buddy.

-No, no, it's on me.

OK. All right. Gracias.

You disappeared for two hours after I specifically told you not to.

-That's insubordination.

-Well, Jackie said it was OK, I just...

I don't want to hear it. I don't care.

I'm putting you on probation.

Mrs A? I...never come in here.

I just wanted to say it was...

fun to have you on the floor today.

OK.

Well, thank you. I miss it being with patients.

And I quite enjoyed your pithy remarks.

I try.

Well, bye-bye.

I need to speak to the wife.

-Yes.

-Your husband is stabilised. He had some internal bleeding, but we were able to catch it in time.

-So someone will take you to see him in just a few minutes.

-I can see him?

No, you can't fucking see him. You've done enough damage.

-He loves me.

-Oh, please.

-I'm going.

-I'm going.

-OK, both of you sit down.

What am I supposed to do here - share my peanut butter crackers with her(?)

No. What has to happen, because when...

When he first came in...

Ordinarily, the wife... the husband...

This woman is your husband's...

This woman is your husb... All right.

I know nothing about this sort of thing.

Jackie Peyton, as I live and breathe.

-Hi. Hi. Hello.

-Georgia. Hi.

-We met at your...

-No, I remember. Yeah.

-Do you know where Coop is?

-Oh, yeah...trauma, down the hall.

OK. What kind of doctor gets his nose broken?

-You're not gonna go visit your buddy, Coop?

-Hey, I didn't break his nose. I'm just here with his friend.

Got me in your orbit, baby. Ain't nothing you can do about it.

Are you talking about the pharmacy, because I don't care one way or the other. You can do what you want.

I'm gonna.

Why, Eddie? Why the fuck would you want to come back?

Go, be with your girlfriend.

She's not my girlfriend.

You know who my girlfriend is.

-Nice.

-It's gonna be straighter than before.

What?

Thanks.

You know I'm fine.

You don't need to stay here.

It's the least I can do.

You defended my honour.

Would you mind if I suggested something to watch?

It will not be sports.

It's all yours.

Grace, open the door!

Open the door!

I've got it. I've got it.

Grace, honey, you cannot lock yourself in the bathroom.

-This is none of your business! It's none of your business!

-What, honey? What is none of our business?

Honey...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Sweetie.

Can I go to my room, please?

Honey, you have to talk to me.

I'm right here.

We cannot have secrets in this house.

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