Episode 3 Outnumbered

I'm just saying I'm surprised that's all, Karen.

because you've always said that when you grow up you want

to be a zoologist or a vigilante and now you're saying you want to be...

-Something in fashion, yes.

-It's not very exciting!

Well, fashion is very exciting!

One day black's in and then the next day brown's the new black

and the next day black's the new brown!

That's very exciting, waking up and not knowing what colour's are cool.

-Yeah, but...

-And I have my future all planned out.

Tanya's going to start a global fashion house called 'Tanya',

with a little T and a big Y, and then I'm going to be her assistant.

-Her assistant?! Well, why should you be her assis...

-Archie!

-DOG BARKS

-Hello, Archie!

-Nice walk?

-Well, HE enjoyed it.

He got to crap in the middle of the floral clock

and sniffed a lot of new bottoms, most of them dogs.

The only minus was that the squirrels

-kept cheating by running up trees.

-When can WE get a dog?

-Yeah.

The only reason we're dog-sitting Archie is

so you kids could prove you could look after a dog.

And in three days, Jake, you haven't once taken him for a walk

and all you've done, Karen, is dress him in girl's clothes,

paint his toenails and feed him chocolate mints,

which proved to be very bad news for the living room carpet.

But it doesn't matter about the living room carpet

-because that's cream.

-Well, it was.

-And cream is very 1990s.

-Who are you - Gok Wan?!

-Why...

-why does he keep following me about?

-Because you mean food.

We're his pack, and you're the pack leader.

Well, if I'm the pack-leader, why doesn't he obey me?! Archie...

Bed! Archie! Bed!

See?!

-What's that you're doing?

-Biology.

-With a guitar?

I'm just writing a song while I'm doing it.

It's only 'Evolution', it's not hard.

Yeah, God knows what took Darwin so long to work it out,

-the lightweight.

-Is evolution the one that says

that humans started off

as little blobs of jelly and then they evoluted into mammals?

Well, not just humans, Karen. See Archie?

He's the perfect example of evolution

because basically what you have there is a wolf.

A very dim wolf... Possibly a special needs wolf.

Archie's not dim! Dogs are very clever.

-They're not as clever as wolves.

-They are cleverer than wolves!

-No, they're not.

-They had the brains to come inside and live with us.

-Yes, but that doesn't make them...

-And get people to give them food

out of tins and give them a basket,

so they won't have to go chasing elks through the snow for days.

Loads of species are cleverer than dogs.

I read an article that said crows are cleverer than dogs.

-Crows aren't brighter than dogs!

-They are!

-Can crows fetch a stick?

-Well, they use sticks as tools.

-Can they fetch the newspaper?

Well, maybe, if you gave him the money.

No shiny coins though, they'd just keep those.

I think dogs are the cleverest animals.

-A squid's the cleverest animal.

-How's a squid a clever animal?!

Squids are highly intelligent, they've done all sorts of tests.

-What, squids have done lots of tests?

-No, scientists!

Can't be that clever or they wouldn't end up as calamari!

Salamanders are really clever.

Because you rip off one of their arms and they just grow it back!

-Doesn't make them clever.

-Can you do that?

-If I just got an axe

and hacked off one of your arms, could you just suddenly grow it out?

-No.

-Could you?

-No.

-Exactly. You're just one down from a lizard, really.

Well, I can't cling vertically to walls and I don't eat cicadas,

it doesn't make any... I...I'm still clever! I'm much cleverer than a lizard!

PHONE RINGS Where's the phone?

Why can't anybody ever put it on the...

Oh... Archie, get...

-Archie!

-PHONE CONTINUES

Excuse me. I think this'll be for me... Hello...

-Oh, hi Ben, how's adventure camp?

-What blood group am I?

-What blood...are you OK?!

-No, I'm fine.

Why do you want to know your blood group?

Just something Mr Hunslet said.

He saw me doing the assault course with my eyes shut for a bet

and he said, "Ooh, we'd better find out what blood group you are".

Yeah, um, that sounds like he might have said it as a joke.

Well, I thought of that,

but it's kinda hard to tell when Mr Hunslet's doing a joke,

because he's got that smile like his face has got stuck.

Have we got any friends whose children aren't being sponsored for charity?

Walking up Kilimanjaro? That's a holiday!

I'll say it got stuck in the spam filter.

-KAREN:

-I want my Ugg boots!

-Where are my Ugg boots!?

-She doesn't have Ugg boots.

No, she's just written Ugg on the side of her boots.

-Where's she going anyway?

-Oh, a sleepover at Tanya's house.

You know, she's totally in awe of this girl,

and her little witches coven.

-I think she's going to feel left out.

-Right.

-So...planning any band rehearsals this weekend?

-Maybe.

Only you seem to have had a lot of those recently...band rehearsals.

Only, um, Donny's mum said that Donny hadn't been going

to any band rehearsals.

-That's because Donny's no longer in the band.

-Oh, why's that?

Musical differences. He wanted to move away from grunge folk

towards semi garage.

-Also, he punched Mikey in the face.

-Right.

Are you satisfied with that answer? Or would you like to water board me?

No, listen. No, I'm just...

I'm, I'm just, I'm really just interested

I just was taking a casual interest in...

in...what you're up to.

-So, you're enjoying yourself?

-Yeah!

We've just played British Bulldog.

-What does 'feral' mean?

-Feral? Something else Mr Hunslet said?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, I wouldn't worry about it.

-So, what blood group am I?

-Um...

-Sue? What blood group's Ben?

-Well, um...one of the ones.

-Got to go, otherwise they'll hear me.

-Ben!

Ben! Ben!?

-DOORBELL RINGS

-OK, Karen!

-It's Molly's mum, so...

-It's OK, I'll get it!

It's OK, I won't say anything embarrassing!

You don't have to say anything!

-Well, have a nice...

-FRONT DOOR SLAMS

ARCHIE BARKS

-It's OK, Archie, it's only Dad.

-Archie.

I'll buy him off with a biscuit.

This is empty. It was half full yesterday, how's that happened?

It's those eyes!

-If I don't feed him, he gives me the eyes.

-See, Dad? He is quite clever.

He's worked out that it's survival of the cutest.

He's had both of those packs of dog biscuits.

-Apart from the ones Ben ate.

-BIN CLATTERS

Archie, out of there! Come on now, come on.

So, it's just the three of us tonight.

-Archie!

-Do you fancy watching a classic movie?

No, because you'll just talk through every scene telling me

how brilliant it is. I didn't hear a word of Citizen Kane.

How about playing FIFA?

-No, no, not PlayStation.

-Scared I'll beat you?

Well, of course you'd beat me at that. I'd murder you at...

tiddlywinks.

There's a game called tiddlywinks?

Yeah, you flick little bits of plastic into a pot.

That sounds way too addictive for me.

God, you're heavy!

So, why are forests like this so important to our planet, hmmm?

Anyone?!

OK, Ben...

Forests are important because they produce oxygen.

They're the lungs of the planet. Without them humanity would become extinct.

-That's right!

-Although that is going to happen anyway.

-Er, well...

-Humans are going to die out.

-Well, maybe, but...

No, not maybe, 98% of all the species that have ever

lived have died out eventually.

-That's very interesting Ben, but...

-And in 50 billion years,

a galaxy called Andromeda is going to collide with us

and annihilate the universe! That'll definitely kill us.

Well, we won't worry about that, after all,

that is 50 billion years away.

Yeah, but a comet could hit us in two minutes. Or now!

-All right Ben, that's enough.

-Or now!

-All right, Lucy, deep breaths.

We wouldn't see it, because most of them

-don't reflect light.

-LUCY GASPS

-Get your inhaler, Lucy.

-Or a supernova could X-ray us to death.

-Ben!

-We wouldn't see that either.

-Quiet!

It'd be like being put in a huge microwave.

-OK, head between the legs, Lucy.

-As for a super asteroid.

-One more and you're in detention.

-Here we go.

-The tellers of truth are always silenced.

-Detention!

See? It's Galileo all over again.

It's like having a stalker!

No Archie, no, you've had your food.

No, don't give me the eyes.

Don't give me the eyes!

No, Archie. All right, one last one.

OK, Jake! Ready!

Ready for...what the hell is that?!

Come on, Arsenal v Spurs, local derby.

-What is it?

-This is the game I played when I was growing up,

Subbuteo, I've been meaning to get this out for ages.

Subbuteo? Why do all your games have the stupidest names?

-Subbuteo?

-Yeah.

-That's not even a word.

-Yes, it is. It's Latin.

It means I...subute. Anyway, look I'll take you through the rules.

No, I'm not playing this, it's too...budget.

Budget? Come on, this is a great game!

Well, it's not realistic like FIFA, is it?

That is where you're wrong, because this, in fact,

this is a far realistic representation of football. HE SNIGGERS

-What?

-No, yes, it is, because look,

on PlayStation, all you do, is get to control one player at a time

and all the other players just charge around randomly like... England.

Whereas in Subbuteo, it's all about tactics.

-FIFA is...

-It's all about moving players and positioning them.

FIFA's realistic, Dad.

If you think that, I am really worried,

cos that means we'll bring through a whole generation of young players

who can only run jerkily, in completely straight lines,

who often leave the ball behind them

and then occasionally turn through 180 degrees for no apparent reason.

Archie, bed.

No more food.

In your bed, in your bed.

Bed!

Archie.

Archie?! In your bed!

-FIFA's not realistic.

-It's more realistic than this.

When Arsenal and Spurs play each other, they don't have two teams

of gay-looking clones, standing with their feet in big blocks

of cement and the goalie with a huge long stick coming out of his arse.

Well, there's this thing called imagination.

-It's like a computer, only cheaper.

-Oh, for...

Jesus! That's the ball?!

-Yeah.

-It'd crush them to death.

-No, it's just a...

It's like the ball that chases Indiana Jones.

Go to bed. In your bed! Archie! Bed!

Bed, Archie.

Archie, bed.

Bed!

-You're just running scared.

-OK, I'll beat you at your stupid game.

-Ah, I don't think so.

You see I won our Scout troop Subbuteo cup five years out of six.

It would've been six out of six, but I accidentally trod on Jimmy Greaves and he snapped in half.

He was never the same after that.

OK! Game's over! In you come! Come on!

OK!

Where's Ben?!

Has anyone seen Ben?

OK, who was the last person to see Ben?

BEN!

-Wooargghhh!

-THEY SCREAM

Ben! For f...

OK, everyone, keep back, give Lucy some space.

-I haven't killed her, have I?

-No.

-I know first aid.

She's fine, get back.

-I took a course.

-Step AWAY from Lucy!

In your bed!

No more food!

Archie, bed!

Bed, Archie!

Bed!

Yay!

SHE SIGHS

You have to flick your player...thus.

But it has to be flick.

Not drag, not a scoop, that's not legal and if you...

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

-Oh, hi, sweetheart, how's the sleepover?

-Is that Karen?

-Yuh.

She wants to come home, I knew this would happen.

Hi darling, is everything... Everything OK?

No, what's gravlax?

-Gravlax?

-Yes, Tanya's mum says we were having gravlax

-and I don't know what that is.

-Gravlax is salmon.

-Why don't they just call it salmon then?

-Well, I...

Anyway, I don't like salmon, it's too orange, I don't eat anything

orange, except for oranges because they admit that they're orange.

Karen, are you OK?

-And here come Cheltenham again!

-That's a definite foul!

No foul says the referee!

Let's look at the video replay. I've been filming it.

Video evidence is not allowed in the modern game by FIFA.

Oh, come on, chopper!

Give 'em a couple of knighthoods they might think again. MOBILE RINGS

Hello, mate.

Yeah, yeah, that'd be cool.

Hey, Dad, can I go to Mikey's please?

What, now?

Yeah, he's got the boys over. We're having a jam sesh

and we'll probably finish quite late so...?

Well...well if that's OK with his mum and dad...

Yeah, it's cool. OK, I'm on my way. Cheers, Dad, you're a star.

Why don't you just borrow a pair of high heels

and then you can join in with the other girls' fashion show?

Well, look, darling, why don't you just give it a bit longer

and then if you want to come home give me a ring, OK?

OK, bye.

-Bye!

-FRONT DOOR SLAMS Bye!

-Where's he going?

-He's staying at Mikey's.

You just said it was OK? Just like that?

They're just having a jamming session.

-That's what he told you!

-Sue, it's fine.

-There is something going on, I can feel it.

-Feel it?

-Female intuition.

-Is this the same female intuition that told you that

Russell Brand was gay?

Well, he's very feminised, he wears women's shirts, it...

Yeah, but he's not gay.

I can't believe you didn't ask Jake any more questions than...

Look, can we just drop this?

The next time he goes out I'll tag him electronically or something...

So...we've got the house to ourselves.

Yeah, looks like it.

-Just you and me.

-When was the last that happened?

-Yeah...

What shall we do then? What did we do before we had kids?

Did we do anything?

Hi, Mr Hunslet. Why are you smoking? Smoking kills.

-Look, look, look. "Smoking Kills".

-Yes, thank you, Ben.

-Do you know what happens when you smoke?

-You're going to tell me!

-It builds up all the gunk and tar inside your lungs.

-Actually...

-Well, how old are you?

-I'm 59.

-Then, I reckon you'll live another two years.

-Two years?!

And also how can you ever hope to get a girlfriend...

-or a boyfriend...or whatever you're interested in.

-I'm married.

-You're married?!

-I'm married, Ben.

-To a woman?

-Yes.

Yes, well, well how can she stand it?!

-Your teeth will start to go yellow.

-Ben!

Mr Hunslet, you're my favourite teacher... I really like you...

-even though you DID refer me to the Behavioural Support Unit.

-Ben, Ben,

can I tell you, this is the first cigarette I've had in seven months.

-Then, what made you start again?

-Take a wild guess...

Of course we did things before the kids,

we used to do loads of great stuff.

We used to have breakfast in bed, we used to have baths in warm water,

we used to have sex in the daytime!

-Did we?

-Yes.

-Are you sure?

-Yes!

Are you sure that was me?

We did it a lot!

Well, anyway, we've got the house to ourselves...

we should do something.

-Goal!

-No. No goal!

-It was a goal!

-No! You dragged it, instead of flicked it!

-I flicked it!

-No, you dragged it!

-I flicked it!

Please don't insult my intelligence, Sue! It was a drag!

This game is ridiculous. Look at the size of the ball!

That would crush the player to death.

Why's this family so literal? Jesus! OK, my free kick, 10 yards, please.

-What are you doing?

-Well, that's enough time for Jake to get to Mikey's,

so you're going to ring to check that he's really there.

Why do I have to do it?

-Well, I can't do it, he'll think I'm checking up on him.

-Well, you are.

It's OK, I've thought of a pretext.

You know Mikey's Dad, Stewart, he offered you that

James Taylor ticket and you couldn't go, do you remember?

Well, this is you ringing, to thank him very much for his kind of offer.

That was six months ago.

Well, a belated thank you, it's perfectly believable,

you just thank him for the tickets, make some small talk,

and then, casually, ask whether Jake is there.

No, I am not doing that!

Oh, hi, Stewart, It's Sue Brockman here, I've got Pete for you.

This is... Hi, Stewart, yeah, Pete here. Look, Stewart...

I've been meaning to phone you to thank you for your very kind

offer of the James Taylor concert ticket.

Yeah, you offered me a ticket to James Taylor. Yeah...

No, it was ages ago.

Anyway I should've thanked you and I didn't,

so this is me thanking you.

Thanks.

HE MOUTHS

(Small talk, small talk...)

So, um, did you see the England game?

It's incredibly old fashioned, isn't it?

I mean, really he should be playing Wilshere in the hole behind the front man and then...

he'd find he's got far more width if he need...

(Casually, about Jake.)

So anyway...is Jake there?

OK, Stewart, yeah, Sue would like a word.

Hi, Stewart, no that's fine, thank you, bye.

What the hell did you do that for?!

Well, why the hell did you make me... PHONE RINGS

Hello. Oh, hi, Karen. ..She wants you.

Hi, darling. Everything OK?

Yeah. I was just ringing to say that the gravlax was fine

and only pale orange, and I am having a good time, cos I thought you might be worrying about me.

-Well, that's very grown up of you, thank you.

-Tanya's house is amazing.

-Well, that's nice.

-It's much bigger than our house.

-Right.

-And much cleaner.

-Is it?

-Yeah, much.

Well, Tanya's Mummy's got that lovely Rwandan cleaning lady

who comes in every day.

And in the bathroom they have this thing that looks like a toilet

but actually isn't a toilet.

But don't worry Tanya's mum was very good about it.

Plus they have two dogs here and now we're going to play...

Right, it's been great talking to you, Karen,

but I must crack on,

I've got to start cleaning our tiny little house.

-Bye.

-Is she OK?

I don't like her being there with those trainee WAGS and botoxed mum.

Still, the good news is, I think she may have crapped in their bidet,

Right, your free-kick.

-TV:

-And now on BBC One and BBC One HD, it's time for...

Oh, stop banging on about HD! What else is on?

Panel game. Panel game. HE FLICKS THROUGH THE CHANNELS

Panel game. Panel game.

Friends. Panel...no, sorry that's a police press conference. Panel game.

Embarrassing Bodies, oh, well that's not that embarrassing.

Oh, no, hang on, no that IS embarrassing.

Hello, Archie!

Who's a lovely boy?

Yes, you are, you're a lovely boy.

Who loves you, Archie? Who loves you?

-So, you're missing the kids a bit then?

-This is the future.

-Hmm?

This is what we've got to look forward to in about ten years' time.

-You and me, an empty house...

-No. No, it won't be like this at all.

-Won't it?

-No, we'll be out, it'll be like one long holiday.

Only without the guilt of having to force the kids

into the kids' club, imagine that, enjoyment without guilt, Sue!

I've forgotten what that feels like.

-Course they might still be here in ten years' time.

-No. No.

Jake will be finishing at university, Karen will be

starting university and Ben will be in the Foreign Legion.

We may not be able to afford to send them to university.

-They may never leave.

-Oh, Jesus, don't say that.

That wouldn't be so bad, would it?

-PHONE RINGS

-I think it would be quite...

Hello...

Mum, we just played this game of, "Who's got the sexiest legs?",

-and I won!

-That's nice, darling.

Just say if you want to come home rather than stay over.

No, I'm going to sleep in Tanya's bedroom, she's got a widescreen TV.

Cos I can easily come and get you, it's no problem.

And we just had this fantastic cake that Tanya's mum made.

She's very clever.

-Well, she was very clever to ditch her first husband and marry an investment banker.

-What?

Nothing, sweetheart, look, I'm glad you're having a good time

but if you need to come home, give me a ring. Bye!

CRASHING COMING FROM OUTSIDE

Oh, God, that'll be the fox at the bins again.

How did he get that breezeblock off the lid?

Can you really not remember us having sex in the daytime?

-Or are you just winding me up?

-Of course I can remember!

And as the boy laid in bed, on the first night away from home,

he didn't see the tentacles of the gigantic mutated

squid from Andromeda creeping up on him.

Suddenly! He was snatched into the air,

as he was propelled towards the gaping maw of the squid's beak,

he tried to scream, but he couldn't because the squid had already ripped

off his head and was now feasting on the quivering guts of his corpse...

The end!

-Have you seen Archie?

-Out in the garden, probably.

I think there's still one patch of lawn he hasn't got round to poisoning with his urine.

We've spoiled him rotten. Do you think the Hendersons will mind?

Don't know, we don't know what they're really like, do we?

We only met them through Mick and Jean.

Oh, I meant to tell you, do you know what Jean did?

She pretended to be a 15-year-old girl and tried to friend her son

on Facebook to check up on him He spotted her straight away.

-Yeah, well she probably didn't create a new email address.

-Yeah...

PHONE RINGS

-Hello.

-Is that Karen wanting to come home?

Oh, hi, Mr Chowdry.

Yeah...we are looking after a Labrador at the moment.

Well, he's in our garden, I think. He's in your garden!

-Oh, crikey, I'm sorry, Mr Chowdry...

-Archie! Archie!

He must've escaped through a gap under...

Did you visit the nice people who live at the back of our garden?

Oh, I didn't know you keep guinea pigs...

Kept guinea pigs, right, yeah, yeah, yep.

And...when you say...

savaged,

what exactly do you mean? Only the...

No, no, I think that does qualify as savaging, yep...

I can hear your children scream, blood everywhere.

Look, Mr, Mr Chowdry, I'm so sorry. I will come round right now and...

OK, I'll come round in a few minutes,

once you've, um,

finished burying them.

OK, Mr Chowdry.

Told you...wolf.

The kids probably WILL have left home in ten years, won't they?

Yep, and it'll be our ticket to freedom.

I know it's a bit of a rollercoaster having kids,

but there isn't a single moment I would have missed, not any of it.

-Not any of it?

-No.

-Not even when they all had worms?

-Well...

And their bottoms resembled a scene from Life On Earth, you wouldn't have missed that?

-Well, maybe I...

-Ben projectile vomiting into that fan?

-Well...

-Karen, the "C" word in the nativity play?

-She didn't know what she was saying

and anyway they should NEVER have cast her as Mary.

-Jake and that business with the...

-All right, all right, OK!

DOORBELL RINGS Oh.

That'll be the Hendersons, come to pick up Psycho Lassie.

I can't believe Archie did that.

I hope Ben's sleeping all right.

HE SNORES

SOME OF THE CHILDREN SOB

-Has he been any trouble?

-Well, he was fine,

until he discovered next door's garden at the back...

-You little scamp.

-..where there were guinea pigs.

Ah...yes, um...

he's got a little bit of a thing about small, squeaky mammals,

-I'm afraid.

-Yeah.

-Did we not mention that?

-No.

I thought it was on our list.

No, I think we would have noticed "squeaky-mammal murderer".

So, anyway, we've had to compensate the Chowdrys

-financially to replace the guinea pigs so...

-Right.

Mind you, it was foolish of them to have guinea pigs wandering

freely like that, they should have been in a hutch.

They were in a hutch. I had to give him money for a new hutch as well.

-It was ninety quid in all.

-£90?

Yeah...

..for the loss,

caused by your dog.

-Right.

-I mean, he is your dog, so...

-Yes, no, he is our dog. Although,

technically, he was in your care. I mean, y'know, so...

-You owe us £90.

-Right, yes, understood, we'll drop it by.

MOVIE PLAYS ON TV

Why is Harrison Ford's wife always being held hostage?

-Well, at least now we know what the Hendersons are like...

-Eh?

Doesn't matter.

If the kids do leave and it's just us here

rattling around it'll be so...

It's going to be...

-Well, it's going to be like this.

-We'll be OK.

It's so quiet... it's not natural, it's...

PHONE RINGS

Mum! It's me! I...

Want to come home! No problem, I'm on my way!

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