Episode 3 Outnumbered


Episode 3

Sitcom. With Karen and Ben away, Mum and Dad are left with a labrador to look after, and get a glimpse of what life will be like once the children have left home.


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Transcript


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I'm just saying I'm surprised that's all, Karen.

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because you've always said that when you grow up you want

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to be a zoologist or a vigilante and now you're saying you want to be...

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-Something in fashion, yes.

-It's not very exciting!

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Well, fashion is very exciting!

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One day black's in and then the next day brown's the new black

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and the next day black's the new brown!

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That's very exciting, waking up and not knowing what colour's are cool.

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-Yeah, but...

-And I have my future all planned out.

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Tanya's going to start a global fashion house called 'Tanya',

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with a little T and a big Y, and then I'm going to be her assistant.

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-Her assistant?! Well, why should you be her assis...

-Archie!

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-DOG BARKS

-Hello, Archie!

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-Nice walk?

-Well, HE enjoyed it.

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He got to crap in the middle of the floral clock

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and sniffed a lot of new bottoms, most of them dogs.

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The only minus was that the squirrels

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-kept cheating by running up trees.

-When can WE get a dog?

-Yeah.

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The only reason we're dog-sitting Archie is

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so you kids could prove you could look after a dog.

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And in three days, Jake, you haven't once taken him for a walk

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and all you've done, Karen, is dress him in girl's clothes,

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paint his toenails and feed him chocolate mints,

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which proved to be very bad news for the living room carpet.

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But it doesn't matter about the living room carpet

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-because that's cream.

-Well, it was.

-And cream is very 1990s.

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-Who are you - Gok Wan?!

-Why...

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-why does he keep following me about?

-Because you mean food.

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We're his pack, and you're the pack leader.

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Well, if I'm the pack-leader, why doesn't he obey me?! Archie...

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Bed! Archie! Bed!

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See?!

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-What's that you're doing?

-Biology.

-With a guitar?

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I'm just writing a song while I'm doing it.

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It's only 'Evolution', it's not hard.

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Yeah, God knows what took Darwin so long to work it out,

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-the lightweight.

-Is evolution the one that says

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that humans started off

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as little blobs of jelly and then they evoluted into mammals?

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Well, not just humans, Karen. See Archie?

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He's the perfect example of evolution

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because basically what you have there is a wolf.

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A very dim wolf... Possibly a special needs wolf.

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Archie's not dim! Dogs are very clever.

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-They're not as clever as wolves.

-They are cleverer than wolves!

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-No, they're not.

-They had the brains to come inside and live with us.

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-Yes, but that doesn't make them...

-And get people to give them food

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out of tins and give them a basket,

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so they won't have to go chasing elks through the snow for days.

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Loads of species are cleverer than dogs.

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I read an article that said crows are cleverer than dogs.

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-Crows aren't brighter than dogs!

-They are!

-Can crows fetch a stick?

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-Well, they use sticks as tools.

-Can they fetch the newspaper?

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Well, maybe, if you gave him the money.

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No shiny coins though, they'd just keep those.

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I think dogs are the cleverest animals.

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-A squid's the cleverest animal.

-How's a squid a clever animal?!

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Squids are highly intelligent, they've done all sorts of tests.

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-What, squids have done lots of tests?

-No, scientists!

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Can't be that clever or they wouldn't end up as calamari!

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Salamanders are really clever.

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Because you rip off one of their arms and they just grow it back!

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-Doesn't make them clever.

-Can you do that?

-If I just got an axe

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and hacked off one of your arms, could you just suddenly grow it out?

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-No.

-Could you?

-No.

-Exactly. You're just one down from a lizard, really.

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Well, I can't cling vertically to walls and I don't eat cicadas,

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it doesn't make any... I...I'm still clever! I'm much cleverer than a lizard!

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PHONE RINGS Where's the phone?

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Why can't anybody ever put it on the...

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Oh... Archie, get...

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-Archie!

-PHONE CONTINUES

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Excuse me. I think this'll be for me... Hello...

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-Oh, hi Ben, how's adventure camp?

-What blood group am I?

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-What blood...are you OK?!

-No, I'm fine.

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Why do you want to know your blood group?

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Just something Mr Hunslet said.

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He saw me doing the assault course with my eyes shut for a bet

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and he said, "Ooh, we'd better find out what blood group you are".

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Yeah, um, that sounds like he might have said it as a joke.

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Well, I thought of that,

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but it's kinda hard to tell when Mr Hunslet's doing a joke,

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because he's got that smile like his face has got stuck.

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Have we got any friends whose children aren't being sponsored for charity?

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Walking up Kilimanjaro? That's a holiday!

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I'll say it got stuck in the spam filter.

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-KAREN:

-I want my Ugg boots!

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-Where are my Ugg boots!?

-She doesn't have Ugg boots.

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No, she's just written Ugg on the side of her boots.

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-Where's she going anyway?

-Oh, a sleepover at Tanya's house.

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You know, she's totally in awe of this girl,

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and her little witches coven.

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-I think she's going to feel left out.

-Right.

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-So...planning any band rehearsals this weekend?

-Maybe.

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Only you seem to have had a lot of those recently...band rehearsals.

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Only, um, Donny's mum said that Donny hadn't been going

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to any band rehearsals.

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-That's because Donny's no longer in the band.

-Oh, why's that?

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Musical differences. He wanted to move away from grunge folk

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towards semi garage.

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-Also, he punched Mikey in the face.

-Right.

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Are you satisfied with that answer? Or would you like to water board me?

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No, listen. No, I'm just...

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I'm, I'm just, I'm really just interested

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I just was taking a casual interest in...

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in...what you're up to.

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-So, you're enjoying yourself?

-Yeah!

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We've just played British Bulldog.

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-What does 'feral' mean?

-Feral? Something else Mr Hunslet said?

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-Yeah.

-Yeah, I wouldn't worry about it.

-So, what blood group am I?

-Um...

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-Sue? What blood group's Ben?

-Well, um...one of the ones.

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-Got to go, otherwise they'll hear me.

-Ben!

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Ben! Ben!?

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-DOORBELL RINGS

-OK, Karen!

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-It's Molly's mum, so...

-It's OK, I'll get it!

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It's OK, I won't say anything embarrassing!

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You don't have to say anything!

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-Well, have a nice...

-FRONT DOOR SLAMS

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ARCHIE BARKS

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-It's OK, Archie, it's only Dad.

-Archie.

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I'll buy him off with a biscuit.

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This is empty. It was half full yesterday, how's that happened?

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It's those eyes!

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-If I don't feed him, he gives me the eyes.

-See, Dad? He is quite clever.

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He's worked out that it's survival of the cutest.

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He's had both of those packs of dog biscuits.

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-Apart from the ones Ben ate.

-BIN CLATTERS

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Archie, out of there! Come on now, come on.

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So, it's just the three of us tonight.

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-Archie!

-Do you fancy watching a classic movie?

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No, because you'll just talk through every scene telling me

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how brilliant it is. I didn't hear a word of Citizen Kane.

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How about playing FIFA?

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-No, no, not PlayStation.

-Scared I'll beat you?

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Well, of course you'd beat me at that. I'd murder you at...

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tiddlywinks.

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There's a game called tiddlywinks?

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Yeah, you flick little bits of plastic into a pot.

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That sounds way too addictive for me.

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God, you're heavy!

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So, why are forests like this so important to our planet, hmmm?

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Anyone?!

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OK, Ben...

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Forests are important because they produce oxygen.

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They're the lungs of the planet. Without them humanity would become extinct.

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-That's right!

-Although that is going to happen anyway.

-Er, well...

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-Humans are going to die out.

-Well, maybe, but...

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No, not maybe, 98% of all the species that have ever

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lived have died out eventually.

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-That's very interesting Ben, but...

-And in 50 billion years,

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a galaxy called Andromeda is going to collide with us

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and annihilate the universe! That'll definitely kill us.

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Well, we won't worry about that, after all,

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that is 50 billion years away.

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Yeah, but a comet could hit us in two minutes. Or now!

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-All right Ben, that's enough.

-Or now!

-All right, Lucy, deep breaths.

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We wouldn't see it, because most of them

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-don't reflect light.

-LUCY GASPS

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-Get your inhaler, Lucy.

-Or a supernova could X-ray us to death.

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-Ben!

-We wouldn't see that either.

-Quiet!

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It'd be like being put in a huge microwave.

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-OK, head between the legs, Lucy.

-As for a super asteroid.

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-One more and you're in detention.

-Here we go.

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-The tellers of truth are always silenced.

-Detention!

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See? It's Galileo all over again.

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It's like having a stalker!

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No Archie, no, you've had your food.

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No, don't give me the eyes.

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Don't give me the eyes!

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No, Archie. All right, one last one.

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OK, Jake! Ready!

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Ready for...what the hell is that?!

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Come on, Arsenal v Spurs, local derby.

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-What is it?

-This is the game I played when I was growing up,

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Subbuteo, I've been meaning to get this out for ages.

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Subbuteo? Why do all your games have the stupidest names?

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-Subbuteo?

-Yeah.

-That's not even a word.

-Yes, it is. It's Latin.

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It means I...subute. Anyway, look I'll take you through the rules.

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No, I'm not playing this, it's too...budget.

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Budget? Come on, this is a great game!

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Well, it's not realistic like FIFA, is it?

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That is where you're wrong, because this, in fact,

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this is a far realistic representation of football. HE SNIGGERS

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-What?

-No, yes, it is, because look,

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on PlayStation, all you do, is get to control one player at a time

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and all the other players just charge around randomly like... England.

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Whereas in Subbuteo, it's all about tactics.

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-FIFA is...

-It's all about moving players and positioning them.

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FIFA's realistic, Dad.

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If you think that, I am really worried,

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cos that means we'll bring through a whole generation of young players

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who can only run jerkily, in completely straight lines,

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who often leave the ball behind them

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and then occasionally turn through 180 degrees for no apparent reason.

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Archie, bed.

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No more food.

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In your bed, in your bed.

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Bed!

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Archie.

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Archie?! In your bed!

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-FIFA's not realistic.

-It's more realistic than this.

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When Arsenal and Spurs play each other, they don't have two teams

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of gay-looking clones, standing with their feet in big blocks

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of cement and the goalie with a huge long stick coming out of his arse.

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Well, there's this thing called imagination.

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-It's like a computer, only cheaper.

-Oh, for...

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Jesus! That's the ball?!

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-Yeah.

-It'd crush them to death.

-No, it's just a...

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It's like the ball that chases Indiana Jones.

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Go to bed. In your bed! Archie! Bed!

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Bed, Archie.

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Archie, bed.

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Bed!

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-You're just running scared.

-OK, I'll beat you at your stupid game.

-Ah, I don't think so.

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You see I won our Scout troop Subbuteo cup five years out of six.

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It would've been six out of six, but I accidentally trod on Jimmy Greaves and he snapped in half.

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He was never the same after that.

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OK! Game's over! In you come! Come on!

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OK!

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Where's Ben?!

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Has anyone seen Ben?

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OK, who was the last person to see Ben?

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BEN!

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-Wooargghhh!

-THEY SCREAM

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Ben! For f...

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OK, everyone, keep back, give Lucy some space.

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-I haven't killed her, have I?

-No.

-I know first aid.

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She's fine, get back.

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-I took a course.

-Step AWAY from Lucy!

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In your bed!

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No more food!

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Archie, bed!

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Bed, Archie!

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Bed!

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Yay!

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SHE SIGHS

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You have to flick your player...thus.

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But it has to be flick.

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Not drag, not a scoop, that's not legal and if you...

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PHONE RINGS

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Hello?

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-Oh, hi, sweetheart, how's the sleepover?

-Is that Karen?

-Yuh.

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She wants to come home, I knew this would happen.

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Hi darling, is everything... Everything OK?

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No, what's gravlax?

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-Gravlax?

-Yes, Tanya's mum says we were having gravlax

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-and I don't know what that is.

-Gravlax is salmon.

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-Why don't they just call it salmon then?

-Well, I...

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Anyway, I don't like salmon, it's too orange, I don't eat anything

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orange, except for oranges because they admit that they're orange.

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Karen, are you OK?

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-And here come Cheltenham again!

-That's a definite foul!

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No foul says the referee!

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Let's look at the video replay. I've been filming it.

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Video evidence is not allowed in the modern game by FIFA.

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Oh, come on, chopper!

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Give 'em a couple of knighthoods they might think again. MOBILE RINGS

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Hello, mate.

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Yeah, yeah, that'd be cool.

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Hey, Dad, can I go to Mikey's please?

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What, now?

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Yeah, he's got the boys over. We're having a jam sesh

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and we'll probably finish quite late so...?

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Well...well if that's OK with his mum and dad...

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Yeah, it's cool. OK, I'm on my way. Cheers, Dad, you're a star.

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Why don't you just borrow a pair of high heels

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and then you can join in with the other girls' fashion show?

0:14:180:14:21

Well, look, darling, why don't you just give it a bit longer

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and then if you want to come home give me a ring, OK?

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OK, bye.

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-Bye!

-FRONT DOOR SLAMS Bye!

0:14:320:14:35

-Where's he going?

-He's staying at Mikey's.

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You just said it was OK? Just like that?

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They're just having a jamming session.

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-That's what he told you!

-Sue, it's fine.

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-There is something going on, I can feel it.

-Feel it?

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-Female intuition.

-Is this the same female intuition that told you that

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Russell Brand was gay?

0:14:510:14:53

Well, he's very feminised, he wears women's shirts, it...

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Yeah, but he's not gay.

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I can't believe you didn't ask Jake any more questions than...

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Look, can we just drop this?

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The next time he goes out I'll tag him electronically or something...

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So...we've got the house to ourselves.

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Yeah, looks like it.

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-Just you and me.

-When was the last that happened?

-Yeah...

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What shall we do then? What did we do before we had kids?

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Did we do anything?

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Hi, Mr Hunslet. Why are you smoking? Smoking kills.

0:15:400:15:43

-Look, look, look. "Smoking Kills".

-Yes, thank you, Ben.

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-Do you know what happens when you smoke?

-You're going to tell me!

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-It builds up all the gunk and tar inside your lungs.

-Actually...

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-Well, how old are you?

-I'm 59.

0:15:560:15:59

-Then, I reckon you'll live another two years.

-Two years?!

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And also how can you ever hope to get a girlfriend...

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-or a boyfriend...or whatever you're interested in.

-I'm married.

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-You're married?!

-I'm married, Ben.

-To a woman?

-Yes.

0:16:090:16:15

Yes, well, well how can she stand it?!

0:16:150:16:18

-Your teeth will start to go yellow.

-Ben!

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Mr Hunslet, you're my favourite teacher... I really like you...

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-even though you DID refer me to the Behavioural Support Unit.

-Ben, Ben,

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can I tell you, this is the first cigarette I've had in seven months.

0:16:270:16:31

-Then, what made you start again?

-Take a wild guess...

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Of course we did things before the kids,

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we used to do loads of great stuff.

0:16:400:16:42

We used to have breakfast in bed, we used to have baths in warm water,

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we used to have sex in the daytime!

0:16:470:16:49

-Did we?

-Yes.

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-Are you sure?

-Yes!

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Are you sure that was me?

0:16:560:16:58

We did it a lot!

0:16:580:17:00

Well, anyway, we've got the house to ourselves...

0:17:010:17:04

we should do something.

0:17:040:17:06

-Goal!

-No. No goal!

0:17:090:17:11

-It was a goal!

-No! You dragged it, instead of flicked it!

0:17:110:17:14

-I flicked it!

-No, you dragged it!

-I flicked it!

0:17:140:17:17

Please don't insult my intelligence, Sue! It was a drag!

0:17:170:17:21

This game is ridiculous. Look at the size of the ball!

0:17:210:17:23

That would crush the player to death.

0:17:230:17:26

Why's this family so literal? Jesus! OK, my free kick, 10 yards, please.

0:17:260:17:30

-What are you doing?

-Well, that's enough time for Jake to get to Mikey's,

0:17:320:17:35

so you're going to ring to check that he's really there.

0:17:350:17:39

Why do I have to do it?

0:17:390:17:40

-Well, I can't do it, he'll think I'm checking up on him.

-Well, you are.

0:17:400:17:45

It's OK, I've thought of a pretext.

0:17:450:17:47

You know Mikey's Dad, Stewart, he offered you that

0:17:470:17:50

James Taylor ticket and you couldn't go, do you remember?

0:17:500:17:52

Well, this is you ringing, to thank him very much for his kind of offer.

0:17:520:17:57

That was six months ago.

0:17:570:17:58

Well, a belated thank you, it's perfectly believable,

0:17:580:18:01

you just thank him for the tickets, make some small talk,

0:18:010:18:05

and then, casually, ask whether Jake is there.

0:18:050:18:08

No, I am not doing that!

0:18:080:18:10

Oh, hi, Stewart, It's Sue Brockman here, I've got Pete for you.

0:18:100:18:14

This is... Hi, Stewart, yeah, Pete here. Look, Stewart...

0:18:140:18:19

I've been meaning to phone you to thank you for your very kind

0:18:190:18:25

offer of the James Taylor concert ticket.

0:18:250:18:29

Yeah, you offered me a ticket to James Taylor. Yeah...

0:18:300:18:33

No, it was ages ago.

0:18:330:18:36

Anyway I should've thanked you and I didn't,

0:18:360:18:40

so this is me thanking you.

0:18:400:18:44

Thanks.

0:18:440:18:45

HE MOUTHS

0:18:450:18:47

(Small talk, small talk...)

0:18:470:18:50

So, um, did you see the England game?

0:18:510:18:54

It's incredibly old fashioned, isn't it?

0:18:540:18:57

I mean, really he should be playing Wilshere in the hole behind the front man and then...

0:18:570:19:01

he'd find he's got far more width if he need...

0:19:010:19:04

(Casually, about Jake.)

0:19:040:19:06

So anyway...is Jake there?

0:19:060:19:09

OK, Stewart, yeah, Sue would like a word.

0:19:090:19:11

Hi, Stewart, no that's fine, thank you, bye.

0:19:130:19:18

What the hell did you do that for?!

0:19:190:19:21

Well, why the hell did you make me... PHONE RINGS

0:19:210:19:26

Hello. Oh, hi, Karen. ..She wants you.

0:19:260:19:30

Hi, darling. Everything OK?

0:19:310:19:33

Yeah. I was just ringing to say that the gravlax was fine

0:19:330:19:37

and only pale orange, and I am having a good time, cos I thought you might be worrying about me.

0:19:370:19:42

-Well, that's very grown up of you, thank you.

-Tanya's house is amazing.

0:19:420:19:47

-Well, that's nice.

-It's much bigger than our house.

-Right.

0:19:470:19:51

-And much cleaner.

-Is it?

-Yeah, much.

0:19:510:19:56

Well, Tanya's Mummy's got that lovely Rwandan cleaning lady

0:19:560:19:59

who comes in every day.

0:19:590:20:01

And in the bathroom they have this thing that looks like a toilet

0:20:010:20:05

but actually isn't a toilet.

0:20:050:20:07

But don't worry Tanya's mum was very good about it.

0:20:070:20:09

Plus they have two dogs here and now we're going to play...

0:20:090:20:12

Right, it's been great talking to you, Karen,

0:20:120:20:15

but I must crack on,

0:20:150:20:16

I've got to start cleaning our tiny little house.

0:20:160:20:19

-Bye.

-Is she OK?

0:20:190:20:21

I don't like her being there with those trainee WAGS and botoxed mum.

0:20:210:20:26

Still, the good news is, I think she may have crapped in their bidet,

0:20:260:20:31

Right, your free-kick.

0:20:310:20:33

-TV:

-And now on BBC One and BBC One HD, it's time for...

0:20:340:20:38

Oh, stop banging on about HD! What else is on?

0:20:380:20:43

Panel game. Panel game. HE FLICKS THROUGH THE CHANNELS

0:20:450:20:48

Panel game. Panel game.

0:20:480:20:52

Friends. Panel...no, sorry that's a police press conference. Panel game.

0:20:520:20:59

Embarrassing Bodies, oh, well that's not that embarrassing.

0:20:590:21:04

Oh, no, hang on, no that IS embarrassing.

0:21:040:21:07

Hello, Archie!

0:21:070:21:09

Who's a lovely boy?

0:21:090:21:11

Yes, you are, you're a lovely boy.

0:21:110:21:14

Who loves you, Archie? Who loves you?

0:21:140:21:17

-So, you're missing the kids a bit then?

-This is the future.

-Hmm?

0:21:170:21:23

This is what we've got to look forward to in about ten years' time.

0:21:230:21:26

-You and me, an empty house...

-No. No, it won't be like this at all.

0:21:260:21:32

-Won't it?

-No, we'll be out, it'll be like one long holiday.

0:21:320:21:37

Only without the guilt of having to force the kids

0:21:370:21:40

into the kids' club, imagine that, enjoyment without guilt, Sue!

0:21:400:21:44

I've forgotten what that feels like.

0:21:440:21:47

-Course they might still be here in ten years' time.

-No. No.

0:21:470:21:52

Jake will be finishing at university, Karen will be

0:21:520:21:56

starting university and Ben will be in the Foreign Legion.

0:21:560:22:01

We may not be able to afford to send them to university.

0:22:010:22:04

-They may never leave.

-Oh, Jesus, don't say that.

0:22:040:22:07

That wouldn't be so bad, would it?

0:22:070:22:09

-PHONE RINGS

-I think it would be quite...

0:22:090:22:12

Hello...

0:22:150:22:16

Mum, we just played this game of, "Who's got the sexiest legs?",

0:22:160:22:19

-and I won!

-That's nice, darling.

0:22:190:22:21

Just say if you want to come home rather than stay over.

0:22:210:22:24

No, I'm going to sleep in Tanya's bedroom, she's got a widescreen TV.

0:22:240:22:27

Cos I can easily come and get you, it's no problem.

0:22:270:22:30

And we just had this fantastic cake that Tanya's mum made.

0:22:300:22:33

She's very clever.

0:22:330:22:34

-Well, she was very clever to ditch her first husband and marry an investment banker.

-What?

0:22:340:22:39

Nothing, sweetheart, look, I'm glad you're having a good time

0:22:390:22:42

but if you need to come home, give me a ring. Bye!

0:22:420:22:46

CRASHING COMING FROM OUTSIDE

0:22:460:22:48

Oh, God, that'll be the fox at the bins again.

0:22:480:22:52

How did he get that breezeblock off the lid?

0:22:520:22:55

Can you really not remember us having sex in the daytime?

0:22:590:23:02

-Or are you just winding me up?

-Of course I can remember!

0:23:020:23:06

And as the boy laid in bed, on the first night away from home,

0:23:130:23:18

he didn't see the tentacles of the gigantic mutated

0:23:180:23:22

squid from Andromeda creeping up on him.

0:23:220:23:25

Suddenly! He was snatched into the air,

0:23:250:23:27

as he was propelled towards the gaping maw of the squid's beak,

0:23:270:23:31

he tried to scream, but he couldn't because the squid had already ripped

0:23:310:23:35

off his head and was now feasting on the quivering guts of his corpse...

0:23:350:23:41

The end!

0:23:440:23:45

-Have you seen Archie?

-Out in the garden, probably.

0:23:490:23:52

I think there's still one patch of lawn he hasn't got round to poisoning with his urine.

0:23:520:23:56

We've spoiled him rotten. Do you think the Hendersons will mind?

0:23:560:24:00

Don't know, we don't know what they're really like, do we?

0:24:000:24:04

We only met them through Mick and Jean.

0:24:040:24:06

Oh, I meant to tell you, do you know what Jean did?

0:24:060:24:09

She pretended to be a 15-year-old girl and tried to friend her son

0:24:090:24:13

on Facebook to check up on him He spotted her straight away.

0:24:130:24:17

-Yeah, well she probably didn't create a new email address.

-Yeah...

0:24:170:24:20

PHONE RINGS

0:24:220:24:26

-Hello.

-Is that Karen wanting to come home?

0:24:260:24:28

Oh, hi, Mr Chowdry.

0:24:280:24:30

Yeah...we are looking after a Labrador at the moment.

0:24:300:24:34

Well, he's in our garden, I think. He's in your garden!

0:24:340:24:37

-Oh, crikey, I'm sorry, Mr Chowdry...

-Archie! Archie!

0:24:370:24:40

He must've escaped through a gap under...

0:24:400:24:42

Did you visit the nice people who live at the back of our garden?

0:24:420:24:46

Oh, I didn't know you keep guinea pigs...

0:24:460:24:48

Kept guinea pigs, right, yeah, yeah, yep.

0:24:500:24:56

And...when you say...

0:24:580:25:01

savaged,

0:25:010:25:03

what exactly do you mean? Only the...

0:25:030:25:06

No, no, I think that does qualify as savaging, yep...

0:25:070:25:10

I can hear your children scream, blood everywhere.

0:25:120:25:17

Look, Mr, Mr Chowdry, I'm so sorry. I will come round right now and...

0:25:170:25:22

OK, I'll come round in a few minutes,

0:25:250:25:28

once you've, um,

0:25:280:25:31

finished burying them.

0:25:310:25:35

OK, Mr Chowdry.

0:25:350:25:37

Told you...wolf.

0:25:400:25:42

The kids probably WILL have left home in ten years, won't they?

0:25:460:25:50

Yep, and it'll be our ticket to freedom.

0:25:500:25:53

I know it's a bit of a rollercoaster having kids,

0:25:530:25:55

but there isn't a single moment I would have missed, not any of it.

0:25:550:26:01

-Not any of it?

-No.

-Not even when they all had worms?

-Well...

0:26:020:26:07

And their bottoms resembled a scene from Life On Earth, you wouldn't have missed that?

0:26:070:26:09

-Well, maybe I...

-Ben projectile vomiting into that fan?

-Well...

0:26:090:26:12

-Karen, the "C" word in the nativity play?

-She didn't know what she was saying

0:26:120:26:16

and anyway they should NEVER have cast her as Mary.

0:26:160:26:20

-Jake and that business with the...

-All right, all right, OK!

0:26:200:26:24

DOORBELL RINGS Oh.

0:26:240:26:27

That'll be the Hendersons, come to pick up Psycho Lassie.

0:26:270:26:30

I can't believe Archie did that.

0:26:300:26:33

I hope Ben's sleeping all right.

0:26:340:26:36

HE SNORES

0:26:360:26:38

SOME OF THE CHILDREN SOB

0:26:420:26:46

-Has he been any trouble?

-Well, he was fine,

0:26:460:26:49

until he discovered next door's garden at the back...

0:26:490:26:52

-You little scamp.

-..where there were guinea pigs.

0:26:520:26:55

Ah...yes, um...

0:26:590:27:00

he's got a little bit of a thing about small, squeaky mammals,

0:27:000:27:04

-I'm afraid.

-Yeah.

-Did we not mention that?

-No.

0:27:040:27:08

I thought it was on our list.

0:27:080:27:10

No, I think we would have noticed "squeaky-mammal murderer".

0:27:100:27:14

So, anyway, we've had to compensate the Chowdrys

0:27:140:27:17

-financially to replace the guinea pigs so...

-Right.

0:27:170:27:21

Mind you, it was foolish of them to have guinea pigs wandering

0:27:210:27:25

freely like that, they should have been in a hutch.

0:27:250:27:29

They were in a hutch. I had to give him money for a new hutch as well.

0:27:290:27:33

-It was ninety quid in all.

-£90?

0:27:330:27:35

Yeah...

0:27:350:27:37

..for the loss,

0:27:380:27:41

caused by your dog.

0:27:410:27:43

-Right.

-I mean, he is your dog, so...

-Yes, no, he is our dog. Although,

0:27:460:27:53

technically, he was in your care. I mean, y'know, so...

0:27:530:27:58

-You owe us £90.

-Right, yes, understood, we'll drop it by.

0:27:580:28:03

MOVIE PLAYS ON TV

0:28:030:28:04

Why is Harrison Ford's wife always being held hostage?

0:28:040:28:10

-Well, at least now we know what the Hendersons are like...

-Eh?

0:28:100:28:14

Doesn't matter.

0:28:140:28:15

If the kids do leave and it's just us here

0:28:170:28:20

rattling around it'll be so...

0:28:200:28:23

It's going to be...

0:28:230:28:25

-Well, it's going to be like this.

-We'll be OK.

0:28:250:28:29

It's so quiet... it's not natural, it's...

0:28:290:28:32

PHONE RINGS

0:28:320:28:35

Mum! It's me! I...

0:28:370:28:38

Want to come home! No problem, I'm on my way!

0:28:380:28:41

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:520:28:54

Email [email protected]

0:28:540:28:57

Karen is on a sleepover, and Ben is away at adventure camp. Mum and Dad are left with a labrador to look after, and get a glimpse of what life will be like once the children have left home.


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