Episode 4 Outnumbered


Episode 4

Sitcom. There is a lot to discuss at Ben's parents' evening, while Mum suspects that Jake is hiding something, and Karen decides which of the world's great religions to lead.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

-Why are you watching this?

-It's on the Large Hadron Collider,

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and I'm doing a physics project on it.

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That? It's really cool. It can destroy the universe.

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I can tell you everything you need to know about it.

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It could create this black hole in Switzerland.

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-Could you please just...?

-So when you were being sucked through it,

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there'd be Toberlones and clogs flying around your ears.

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-Maybe you could get crushed by a windmill.

-Windmill?

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That could propel us into a parallel universe.

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Wouldn't that be cool?

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I could be the oldest one,

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and you weren't even born, and we had a panther instead.

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-I need to concentrate on this...

-We could have a penguin.

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Mum, What's worse?

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-serious or severe?

-Mmm?

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Well, the Welsh man on the telly said that the terrorist threat

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has gone from serious to severe - is that worse?

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-I'm not sure.

-Well, I need to know what the terrorist threat is,

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so I know how aware I need to be

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when I'm on the lookout for suspect packages in the playground.

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Listen, darling, honestly...

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They'll blow up Big Ben before they'd get to my school, won't they?

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'The Higgs boson was put forward as a hypothetical particle...'

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The Higgs boson! That's named after two people,

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Mr Higgs and Mr Boson, who discovered it.

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Wouldn't it be cool to have a bacteria named after you,

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which spread a bubonic plague, called the Ben-tron?

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So, there's a bubonic plague called the Ben-tron?

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-Or Brockman-on, or...

-The Gay Idiot-atron.

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Well, if you had one, you would be the, er, Stuck-Up Old Brother-tron.

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-Who's gay.

-I'm dangerously close to stabbing you with my pen.

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Ben-on, the destructor!

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Look... there's always been terrorism.

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-I mean, when I was growing up, it was the Irish.

-The Irish?

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-Well, it's...

-Are you sure? The Irish?

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People like Graham Norton and Jedward?

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You know, the universe should be, like,

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contracting and getting smaller,

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but it's expanding, and scientists have no idea how.

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Which is kind of stupid, cos even I can think of some reasons why.

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-Do you not...?

-What if there's a rubber band, which,

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I don't know, the protectors of the universe have put around it

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to try and keep it the same size?

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What if there's, like, a massive mutant alien fish

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which is trying to go to the toilet,

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but then it isn't working, so the universe is getting bigger...

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The universe is trying to go to the toilet?

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A fish with the universe inside it is trying to

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-go to the toilet.

-What are you...?

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How come I, an 11-year-old boy, can think of that

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and then scientists can't?

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But the Irish, they're jolly, they're happy and fun.

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-No, it...

-So you're saying that they're going to bomb us too?

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That's not very reassuring.

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The Irish are lovely people. It's just a tiny, tiny few...

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Now I have to worry about...

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Look, look some risks are so minimal that

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they're just not even worth worrying about.

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You're more likely to be hit by lightning.

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People can get hit by lightning?!

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-I thought it was only trees!

-It is mostly trees.

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Well, scientifically, tall people get hit by lightning first?

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Erm...

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-Right?

-Yep, scientifically speaking, I think that is correct.

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Sorry I'm late. Passenger action at Victoria.

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I think they might have lynched a driver.

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ARGUING IN THE NEXT ROOM

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What's all that noise?

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They're having a fight about the origins of the universe.

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-Tea?

-Yes, please.

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-When time are we setting off?

-In about quarter of an hour.

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-So what was today's school like?

-Tough.

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-I'm one of 13 supply teachers.

-13?

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My class's most popular excuse seems to be, "My pit bull ate my homework."

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Dad, what's worse, serious or severe?

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-Eh?

-She saw something about the terrorist threat.

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Hey, listen, you don't want to worry about all that.

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Did you know that, statistically,

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this is the safest time ever to be a child in England?

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-But Ben got mugged.

-Yeah, I know, but in the 1500s,

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he would have probably died in a crusade or caught the plague.

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No, he got mugged today.

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-What, again?

-Afraid so. Same spot. Ratley Road.

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Just heard your news, Ben. You all right?

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Eh? Oh, yeah.

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I didn't know the squirrel was going to do that.

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No, I mean you being mugged.

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They said they had a knife - they always say that.

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I didn't have my phone with me, so they just took my geometry kit.

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-What's the school doing about this?

-Well, what can they do?

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I've got off quite lightly.

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Ibrahim's been mugged five times. Same boys.

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He asked them if he could have a loyalty card.

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That's actually quite funny.

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It's wrong, though, isn't it, the way it's just being accepted?

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It means there's a whole generation of kids growing up

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just expecting to be robbed.

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Can I become a Catholic?

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You want to become a Catholic?

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I can, can't I? The Pope's giving out invitations.

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-Well, yeah, but...

-But what?

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Well, it would be easier for you to become a Catholic if you...

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believed in God.

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I only stopped believing in him because he was annoying me,

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sending earthquakes and tsunamis.

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Also, whenever I asked for something or anything,

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he would always just ignore me.

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So, why do you want to be a Catholic?

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Because I want to go to the same big school as Tanya,

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and she's going to a Catholic school.

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Tanya. Right, well, we've talked about this, haven't we, darling?

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And just because Tanya's doing something doesn't mean to say

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that you have to do it too.

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But I like Tanya, Tanya's my friend. Don't you like her?

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Dad!

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Why have I got to look after Karen?

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Because me and Mum and Ben are going to be at Ben's parents' evening.

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Oh, yeah, by the way, if Mr Hunslet mentions, er, Lucy Barker

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and the formaldehyde, that was a misunderstanding.

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How can I have a proper band practice

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with a nine-year-old in tow?

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Just stick her in the corner. She can read or draw or...

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-...learn the catechism.

-What?

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Look, all I'm saying is, just because Tanya

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and her twice-divorced mother want to become Catholics

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to get into this school, it doesn't mean you have to follow suit.

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But I like Tanya. She's my friend.

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She picked me to be in her entourage.

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Yeah, well, a friend shouldn't outrank you.

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FIREWORKS EXPLODE

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Bloody hell, fireworks in daytime. It's fireworks all year now.

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Do you remember when it used to be Fireworks Night? Just one night.

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Just like it used to be Christmas Day.

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Christmas starts in mid-October now.

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Halloween costumes are on sale in August. I'd ban Halloween.

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You can't ban Halloween. But you should ban Guy Fawkes Night -

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all the bangs from the fireworks are cruel to the pets.

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They scare them.

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That's not fair on the pets.

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Also, can we have a pet?

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We've tried pets, and...

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But I don't mean like a goldfish or something you flush down a toilet.

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I mean an actual mammal, a dog or a cat or a gerbil. Or an ocelot.

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An ocelot?

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It's a kind of leopard,

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but small enough to put in a car when you go away.

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You can't keep jungle animals in houses.

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Michael Jackson had a chimpanzee, and it only attacked two people.

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Mmm, lots of candles and lovely spangly costumes.

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-You can't have a chimp.

-How about a skunk, then?

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You can't keep skunks as pets, Ben.

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You can. A boy in school keeps them. And he wants to sell some.

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What, he keeps skunks?

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-Yeah. A boy in Jake's year. Oliver.

-No.

-He does. Ibrahim told me.

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He said, "Oliver in year 11 has got some skunk to sell."

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That should be "skunks", shouldn't it?

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Or is it a plural that stays the same, like "sheep"?

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Why can't we say "sheeps"? It must be really confusing for shepherds.

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Actually, Ben, why don't you go and, um, collect all your dirty laundry

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and divide it up into colours, whites and darks?

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-What, all my dirty laundry?

-Yes.

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-MUTTERS:

-The woman's laundry-obsessed!

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Skunk?!

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-That's dope, isn't it?

-Strong dope.

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And Jake's mate is selling it!

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Whoa, we've got this from Ben, via Ibrahim - that is like reading a...

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Wikipedia entry posted by Jeffrey Archer.

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We shouldn't jump to any conclusions.

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No, no, you're right.

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I bet he is selling dope, though.

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-Sue!

-Well, he's the type. Alternative, wears skinny jeans.

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-There isn't...

-What if he's been selling it to Jake?

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I told you he's been hiding something. He's been very...

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We should just take it one step at a time.

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-We have to broach it with him. Jake!

-Oh, for God's sake.

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-Let's take it nice and gently.

-OK. Jake! Can you come in here, please?

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We don't want him on the defensive. That'll get us nowhere.

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-No, fair enough.

-Yeah, what is it?

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Jake we, um... We'd just welcome your input on something.

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-It's come to our attention... Well, you know your mate Olly?

-Yeah.

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-Well...

-Is he selling drugs?

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-What?!

-Is he selling skunk?

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No! Where on earth did you get that?

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Well, it was just something that Ben heard.

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Ben?! You're basing this on information from Ben?

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-Something he heard and didn't understand...

-You're actually listening to Ben,

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the boy who told his class that he saw Barack Obama in Lidl's?

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-Yes, but...

-I'm not doing drugs!

-We're not saying you are!

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-No, you're accusing my friend Olly of being a pusher!

-No, no, no...

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-Are there kids pushing drugs?

-Yes, obviously, it's a school!

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But I'm not doing drugs, and Olly's not selling drugs.

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So why did Ben...?

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-Oh, this is a joke!

-Then why did Ben say...?

-This is a total joke!

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-Why did Ben say...

-You're both a joke!

-..a kid called Oliver...

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-Pathetic.

-..in your year...

-It's not the same Oliv...

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This is so stupid! Why am I even standing here

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and listening and answering these questions?!

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He was going to say it's not that Oliver.

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That's what he was going to say.

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Can I have a rat? Michael Jackson had a rat.

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And he wrote a song about a rat called Ben,

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and it was a sort of rat Spartacus. It led a rat rebellion against humanity.

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Did you name me after it, Ben?

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Strangely, we didn't name any of our children after psychotic rodents.

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-What about a micro pig?

-Oh, yeah. John at work bought a micro pig.

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Weighs more than him, lives in his bathroom.

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What about Tasmanian devils?

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Because they're endangered, and we could, yeah, we could have,

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like, a captive breeding programme and then...

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Captive breeding programme?

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Later, we could post them back to Australia.

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-How do you post a Tasmanian devil?

-Recorded delivery.

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-What about pandas?

-OK, Ben! That's...

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-What about a chameleon? Because...

-Chameleon?

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-..they change colour...

-Not now!

-You could have games with them,

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cos you could put one in front of the TV, change the channel

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and see how fast it keeps up.

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-Ben!

-What about a zebra?

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OK, Ben, that's enough!

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-Scorpions would be good. They're too small to do much.

-Apart from kill you.

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You're meant to be sorting out the laundry.

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-Can you go upstairs now, please?

-It was only a suggestion.

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Clearly, from what Jake all but said, there is a boy in his year

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called Oliver selling drugs, and according to his year list,

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there's only one other boy in the year called Oliver,

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and it's that one.

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-Do we know him?

-Well, he only came this year, bit of a golden boy,

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captain of the football team.

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-All right, sweetheart?

-If I become a Catholic,

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will I be allowed to eat bacon?

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-Yes.

-Oh, that's all right, then.

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-We can't just sit on this information.

-I don't know, Sue.

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If Jake was selling drugs and some other parents found out,

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you'd want them to tell us, wouldn't you?

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Yeah, but what evidence do we quote?

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Some slip of the tongue from Jake and some gossip from Ben.

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Oh, it's such a difficult call.

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If we get it wrong, it could all get very messy.

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-It could make life very tricky for Jake.

-Yeah, maybe I'm overreacting.

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-I mean, it is only one kid.

-Do I really need to go to this?

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It's your first parents, evening,

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and it's so everybody can discuss how you're settling in.

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-But I'm settling in fine. I mean, they gave us mentors.

-Mentors?

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-That's a good idea.

-I got given a year ten called Andrew.

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Right. And what sort of helpful stuff has he told you?

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He says there's no CCTV behind the cricket nets,

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and to remember they can't search your underpants.

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Can we get a tiger, then? Because I saw this video

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on YouTube of two people who had a pet tiger

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in their house, and it was fine,

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provided you that you don't turn your back on the tiger.

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-Because then it might mistake you for prey.

-Is that so?

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OK, everyone, let's go!

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If I'm a Catholic, will I be allowed to drink alcohol?

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It's virtually compulsory.

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Why couldn't I go to Tanya's instead?

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Because she didn't invite you.

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-Well, Tanya's fun. I'm bored with this family.

-All right, Karen.

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Couldn't I have at least stayed home instead?

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Well, that would be illegal, Karen,

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-because nine-year-olds have to be with someone.

-Why?

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I don't know. Imagine something happened. What if there was a fire?

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If there was a fire, I would leave the house in an orderly fashion,

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-assemble myself at the fire-assembly point...

-Karen.

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-..and await further instructions.

-Right, well...

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-Where is our fire-assembly point?

-Well, we haven't got one, really.

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You tell me all these things

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about being a responsible parent and stuff,

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but you don't even have a fire-assembly point.

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So, if I look after her,

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I can go to Max's after band practice? That's the deal, yeah?

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-Yeah, OK.

-Right, come on, Karen.

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Oh, what do you know, a policeman. Cos you really need one here.

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Ready to kettle the threat to public order that is a parents' evening.

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We could report Ben's mugging.

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Yeah, OK. No, he's one of those toy policemen.

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He'll only give us a leaflet. OK, Ben.

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Hey, Ibrahim!

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-Oh, no, no, Ben, don't wander off!

-Hello, there!

-Oh, hi!

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I wasn't expecting to see you.

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Yes, well we've got a daughter in this year, Kara.

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Pete, this is Jenny and Martin. Oliver's parents.

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Oh, right, Oliver, the...star.

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Yes, well, he's settled in really quickly. Thank goodness.

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Because we had to take him out of his old school.

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We had no choice, really,

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because there was a boy selling drugs to pupils.

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-Can you believe that?

-God.

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The truth of it is the whole school was awash with drugs.

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Apparently, it's a lot better now.

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Is it? Well, actually... well...

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They should've got to the bottom of it,

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found out the facts and acted on them.

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-Martin's a lawyer.

-Right. A lawyer.

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-Well, we're suing them, obviously.

-Suing them.

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To be honest, you can't just blame the school.

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Some of the parents must have known.

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I mean, if someone knew your kid was involved with drugs,

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you'd want them to tell you, wouldn't you?

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-Ah...

-Well, absolutely. We... We... We'd want them to tell...

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-We...would?

-Exactly!

-Well, interestingly...

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Ooh, Mr Maynard's free. Sorry, if we can just nip in. Catch you later.

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We've got to tell them now.

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You heard what she said, and she's right.

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-Yes, but we still can't be sure that their son....

-Come on!

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What they said all but confirmed it.

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Come on, Mr Blain's free. Don't worry about the smell, it's him.

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I think I'll do like a big, raspy, Kings Of Leon vocal on this one.

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-Go easy, don't forget your asthma.

-Do you play Michael Buble songs?

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(LAUGHS) No!

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But you like Michael Buble.

0:15:480:15:51

No, I don't! She's getting confused.

0:15:510:15:54

But you sing along with him in his videos.

0:15:540:15:58

Yes, ironically! I'm being ironic, sending him up.

0:15:590:16:03

-So whose songs do you play?

-We write our own songs.

0:16:030:16:06

-Ooh. Are these the lyrics?

-No!

0:16:060:16:07

Why does he want to do that to his bitch?

0:16:090:16:12

Hi, Mr Blain. Do you want Ben to sit in?

0:16:120:16:14

Actually, Ben, erm...

0:16:140:16:16

Why don't you relax over there while I have a chat with your mum and dad?

0:16:160:16:20

Okey-dokey.

0:16:220:16:24

The first thing I should say about Ben is that he's very bright.

0:16:240:16:28

But in teaching terms, he is...quite...erm...

0:16:290:16:35

He's quite... He's quite...

0:16:370:16:40

-He's quite challenging.

-Challenging?

0:16:430:16:46

He's challenging, yeah. Erm...

0:16:460:16:48

But don't get me wrong,

0:16:480:16:50

I find no fault at all with his enthusiasm for chemistry,

0:16:500:16:54

none at all, it's just that combination of energy and curiosity

0:16:540:17:00

and impulsiveness, it does cause certain health-and-safety issues.

0:17:000:17:05

Is there anything we can do?

0:17:050:17:07

Possibly, um...

0:17:070:17:09

If you could get him to address his fascination for sulphuric acid...

0:17:090:17:14

-Mr and Mrs Brockman.

-Hi, do you want Ben to...?

0:17:170:17:20

Ben, why don't you relax over there

0:17:200:17:23

while we chat through the boring stuff, eh?

0:17:230:17:25

Right, well, teaching Ben is very, um...

0:17:250:17:29

..stimulating, and he's got a real passion for history.

0:17:360:17:40

Which is good, obviously, although it can have a downside.

0:17:400:17:45

For instance, his presentation about the Middle Ages.

0:17:450:17:47

-Is this his re-enactment of the symptoms of the Black Death?

-Yes.

0:17:470:17:51

Quite a few pupils found it very frightening.

0:17:510:17:54

In fact, Lucy Barker was off school for two days.

0:17:540:17:56

I should have checked what he was planning to do,

0:17:560:17:59

although it was very sudden,

0:17:590:18:02

the way he threw himself to the ground

0:18:020:18:04

and started frothing at the mouth.

0:18:040:18:07

That was... Well, I still haven't worked out how he did that.

0:18:070:18:10

Can I go for a walk?

0:18:100:18:12

-No, I'm responsible for you.

-Then where's the fire-assembly point?

0:18:120:18:17

Up my arse.

0:18:170:18:20

You're Tanya's big brother, aren't you?

0:18:200:18:22

-That's right.

-Tanya's cool. I'm one of her friends.

-Are you?

0:18:220:18:27

-Yeah, I'm turning Catholic.

-Really?

0:18:270:18:31

-So, which dwarf are you, then?

-What?

0:18:310:18:34

Tanya gives all her friends dwarf-y nicknames.

0:18:340:18:37

Dopey, Grumpy, Frumpy, Stinky, Clingy. Which are you?

0:18:370:18:41

-I dunno.

-I think you might be Clingy.

0:18:410:18:44

Karen, you're getting in the way. Just go and sit over there.

0:18:440:18:48

THEY PLAY

0:18:480:18:52

Hello, Mr and Mrs Brockman. Hello, Ben. Actually...

0:18:530:18:57

I'll go and sit over there.

0:18:570:18:59

Well, teaching Ben is very, very...special.

0:19:000:19:05

-Right.

-The first term, it's always hard settling in.

0:19:050:19:08

Yeah, it must be weird for him, having an older brother here.

0:19:080:19:12

A brother?

0:19:120:19:13

Yes, Jake Brockman, year 11.

0:19:130:19:15

-Jake? Ben is Jake's brother?

-Yes.

0:19:150:19:19

-Jake is Ben's brother?

-Yes.

0:19:190:19:22

Right, not a half-brother with a different...?

0:19:220:19:25

No, brother.

0:19:250:19:27

Right, crikey.

0:19:270:19:30

-It's clearly four and four!

-No, it's not, it's two and four!

0:19:300:19:34

-Your guitar sounds stupid anyway!

-It's two and four!

0:19:340:19:38

This is so difficult.

0:19:380:19:39

-Maybe you're right, maybe we should just tell them.

-It's just...

0:19:390:19:43

Excuse me.

0:19:430:19:45

Any chance we could just nip in ahead of you?

0:19:450:19:48

You're Ben's parents, so you might take quite a long time.

0:19:480:19:51

No, be our guest. Where is Ben?

0:19:520:19:55

He's over there, playing imaginary cricket with Ibrahim.

0:19:550:19:59

-Hello again.

-Oh, hello.

0:19:590:20:01

-Are you waiting to see Mr Hunslet?

-Yes.

0:20:010:20:03

-About Ben?

-Yes.

0:20:030:20:05

-Is there any chance we could...?

-Please, go ahead.

0:20:050:20:08

Is Kara with you?

0:20:080:20:10

-Oh, no, her brother's looking after her at home.

-Oliver?

0:20:100:20:13

Good grief, no! No, George, our eldest.

0:20:130:20:17

Oliver doesn't do babysitting.

0:20:170:20:19

He's bought a scooter, so he's whizzing about everywhere,

0:20:190:20:23

all hours of the day and night.

0:20:230:20:25

-One of his friends rings up and he's off, all over town.

-That's nice.

0:20:250:20:30

Look, the thing is...

0:20:300:20:33

Yes?

0:20:330:20:34

-Well, the thing is...

-What?

0:20:340:20:38

This is the thing.

0:20:380:20:39

Ralph's Great Dane has just had puppies, we could...

0:20:390:20:42

-No, we couldn't.

-Don't shout!

0:20:420:20:44

-How were you going to tell them?

-I've really no idea.

0:20:480:20:52

I just set off before I'd worked it out.

0:20:520:20:55

Maybe we should tell the school, let them deal with it.

0:20:550:20:58

Erm...

0:20:580:20:59

Yes, we are, and no, you can't.

0:20:590:21:02

Mr and Mrs Brockman.

0:21:120:21:15

As Ben's form teacher, I'm here to give the overview, as it were,

0:21:150:21:21

and I have to say I find Ben...

0:21:210:21:24

Challenging. Stimulating? Special?

0:21:240:21:28

No, I was going to say a pain in the arse, if I'm honest.

0:21:280:21:32

Oh, OK, fair enough.

0:21:320:21:33

I mean, very bright and all that, and very popular,

0:21:330:21:37

but, I mean, there've been quite a few issues.

0:21:370:21:40

-OK, let's see what we've got here.

-He's got his own file?

0:21:440:21:48

Oh, yes.

0:21:480:21:50

SOBBING

0:21:500:21:52

But those 19 incidents apart,

0:22:040:22:08

you know, he is slowly settling in. Anything you'd like to ask me?

0:22:080:22:12

Well, this doesn't relate to Ben,

0:22:140:22:17

but we are concerned that there may be a drug problem in the school.

0:22:170:22:22

-Is this an official complaint?

-Erm...we're not sure.

0:22:220:22:26

Because obviously, if it was an official complaint,

0:22:260:22:29

the school would have to take it extremely seriously,

0:22:290:22:31

and that would... That would set in motion a number of procedures...

0:22:310:22:36

Good, well...

0:22:360:22:37

Provided there was evidence, hard evidence...

0:22:370:22:41

-Do you have hard evidence?

-Well, um...ish.

0:22:410:22:46

Well, not first-hand evidence, as such.

0:22:460:22:52

More, erm...

0:22:520:22:55

More, second-hand evidence.

0:22:550:22:58

Sort of...rumour...

0:22:580:23:02

from a...source.

0:23:020:23:04

How reliable is this source?

0:23:040:23:07

-BEN:

-I can't kill him!

0:23:070:23:10

W-We don't want to make an official complaint.

0:23:110:23:15

Alrighty, well, if that's everything. Only...

0:23:150:23:20

Actually, there is something else.

0:23:200:23:22

Ben has already been mugged twice this term.

0:23:220:23:26

-Class average, I'm afraid.

-What's the school going to do about it?

0:23:260:23:30

-Well, what can we do?

-You could ask for plain-clothes patrols...

0:23:300:23:33

We've suggested that, but the police say

0:23:330:23:37

they have other manpower priorities.

0:23:370:23:39

Like booking me for speeding at two in the morning

0:23:390:23:42

on a perfectly clear road.

0:23:420:23:44

Look, I happen to be a teacher,

0:23:440:23:47

and I feel that this school is not taking

0:23:470:23:50

its responsibilities seriously enough.

0:23:500:23:52

You have a duty of care.

0:23:520:23:55

Whose child is this, please?

0:23:550:23:57

Only I found her wandering in the car park.

0:23:590:24:02

OK, settle down. No gymnastics, all right?

0:24:040:24:08

What do you make of my teachers? I'd like to be a teacher.

0:24:080:24:11

You want to be a teacher?

0:24:110:24:12

-If the wrestling doesn't work out.

-A teacher?

0:24:120:24:15

Yeah, like you, but less moany.

0:24:150:24:17

Teaching's great, because you go on school trips even when you're old.

0:24:170:24:21

Yeah, I mean, obviously, teaching is...brilliant,

0:24:210:24:24

but there are other career options that you...

0:24:240:24:27

-I'd like a job involving travel.

-Like?

0:24:270:24:29

-An explorer, or a human cannonball.

-Human cannonball?

0:24:290:24:33

I could be a doctor, I guess.

0:24:330:24:34

Now, that's... That's good.

0:24:340:24:37

And then, when I get good enough,

0:24:370:24:39

I could create an eight-foot, massive human with bullet-proof skin.

0:24:390:24:43

-I was thinking of healing.

-And laser vision.

0:24:430:24:45

When you're dead, I could take your arm, and then maybe one of your legs.

0:24:450:24:49

Cos you're quite tall.

0:24:490:24:50

-I haven't got an organ-donor card.

-You'd be dead!

0:24:500:24:53

-I'm not sure these are careers.

-I could be a Paratrooper.

0:24:530:24:56

I'm not really sure if they have parachutes or not.

0:24:560:24:59

Well, you'd hope they would. How are they going to land?

0:24:590:25:03

You're right, Mummy. Tanya is a right cow.

0:25:030:25:05

I never said that.

0:25:050:25:07

Yes, you did, to Daddy, when you didn't know I was on the toilet.

0:25:070:25:11

I think I need some new friends. I'll go on Facebook tomorrow and get some.

0:25:110:25:17

And I don't want to be Catholic anymore.

0:25:170:25:20

Right.

0:25:200:25:22

They have all these silly rules about women,

0:25:220:25:25

and I think it would have been hard for me to become Pope.

0:25:250:25:29

Well, it's their loss.

0:25:290:25:32

Or I could be, like, an overlord, or warlord,

0:25:320:25:36

and, like, I sit in my big, kind of, throne room,

0:25:360:25:41

with one of my dead enemies as a footrest.

0:25:410:25:44

It's much easier just getting a degree and then...

0:25:440:25:47

Yeah, but then for that you've got to do all that work...

0:25:470:25:51

These are all interesting career options, but I think you could aim a bit higher.

0:25:510:25:55

Because unusual kids like you often end up doing something exceptional.

0:25:550:26:00

I'm unusual? How am I unusual?

0:26:030:26:05

You know...

0:26:050:26:07

You're... There's a thing...

0:26:070:26:10

Night night.

0:26:100:26:13

Can I become Archbishop of Canterbury?

0:26:130:26:16

-Maybe one day.

-What's Canterbury like?

0:26:160:26:19

Does it have a Nandos?

0:26:190:26:21

Probably.

0:26:210:26:23

Ben did a drawing of me as a dragon.

0:26:230:26:26

I rather liked that.

0:26:260:26:29

I've just put the milk bottles out.

0:26:310:26:33

There are two foxes sitting, waiting by the gate.

0:26:330:26:36

-Well, it's bins night.

-Jake's late.

0:26:360:26:39

-Back by 10:30, we said.

-What time is it now?

0:26:390:26:42

10:33. Shall we ring him?

0:26:420:26:44

-Best not, it'll feel like we're anxious.

-But I am anxious.

0:26:440:26:47

So am I, but we don't want to communicate

0:26:470:26:49

our anxiousnessness-ness to him, do we?

0:26:490:26:51

I suppose you're right. I could text him.

0:26:510:26:55

It's a less anxious version of a phone call.

0:26:550:26:57

-No, look, he's only a few minutes late, he'll be back in a sec.

-OK.

0:26:570:27:02

SIREN WAILS

0:27:020:27:06

If he's not back by 10:38, I'll text him.

0:27:060:27:09

-10:40 maybe.

-Yeah, 10:40.

0:27:090:27:12

We were right to let him stay out, weren't we?

0:27:120:27:15

Yeah, of course we were.

0:27:150:27:18

You've got to let them take risks. It's just working out which ones.

0:27:180:27:23

I am going to have a chat with Ben about the sulphuric acid, tomorrow.

0:27:230:27:27

I didn't want to make him excited at bedtime.

0:27:270:27:29

10:35. I could text him, I could make it jokey.

0:27:290:27:33

We said 10:40.

0:27:330:27:35

TV: 'The body of a young man...'

0:27:350:27:38

Text him.

0:27:380:27:40

DOOR OPENS

0:27:400:27:44

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Hiya.

-Sorry, the bus took ages. You weren't worried, were you?

0:27:440:27:50

-Good God, no. Not in the least.

-Not in the slightest.

0:27:500:27:53

Right, well, I'll just go up to bed then.

0:27:530:27:56

-Night night.

-Night night, nice to have you back.

0:27:560:27:59

-Why did you say that for?

-I don't know.

0:27:590:28:03

You've communicated anxiety to him now.

0:28:030:28:06

I couldn't help it, it just came out.

0:28:060:28:09

Do you think that Oliver tried selling drugs to Jake?

0:28:090:28:12

Well, maybe.

0:28:120:28:13

I don't know we just have to trust in his commonsense, don't we?

0:28:130:28:17

Suppose so. We did do the right thing

0:28:170:28:19

about Oliver and the drugs, didn't we?

0:28:190:28:21

We couldn't just sit on that information,

0:28:210:28:24

that would have been irresponsible.

0:28:240:28:26

We had to tackle it somehow.

0:28:260:28:28

And we were right to bring it to the attention of the school.

0:28:280:28:31

They won't know that anonymous note was from us, will they?

0:28:310:28:34

No, I did it in block capitals, we'll be fine.

0:28:340:28:37

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:390:28:42

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:420:28:45

There is a lot to discuss at Ben's parents' evening, including muggers, dangerous chemicals and re-enactments of the Great Plague. Mum still suspects that Jake is hiding something, and Karen decides which of the world's great religions to lead.


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