Episode 5 Outnumbered


Episode 5

Sitcom. Mum is still convinced Jake has a secret, while Ben is determined to enter a school talent competition with an unusual double act.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

-I could be handcuffed and suspended in a block of ice.

-Mmm.

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That's a lot of work for a school talent competition.

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Yes.

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It's great you're taking part.

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Yes. Stupid machine.

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Or I could do the magic trick I did with Gran.

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Her face when she thought I'd smashed her watch with that hammer!

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Well, you had.

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-Yeah. Still don't know what went wrong there.

-Yes.

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-I think it was the wrong kind of hammer.

-No, I said "yes".

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Still, Gran likes her new watch.

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I'm not wearing them!

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Karen, if both socks have got a hole in them, then they match.

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Just put them on! Oh.

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I didn't say "no."

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Yeah, just now. You said, "No, I said 'yes'".

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No. Yes, yes!

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I could sing. (AS LOUIS ARMSTONG) # And I think to myself...#

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Go back.

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-# What a wonderful world. #

-Go back.

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The only disadvantage to singing is that you can't.

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I've got tons of other ideas.

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Impractical.

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Illegal.

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Suicidal.

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Ben, you don't even know what the Wall of Death is.

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-Go back.

-Ooh, I know what I could do.

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I could do lion-taming with Rottweilers.

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-You absolute...

-Or juggling lobsters and crabs.

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Or I could wrestle a bear.

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-I just don't under...

-No-one would get hurt because it'd be trained.

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Where will you get a trained bear?

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-You can obviously find them on the Internet.

-Unbelievable.

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What about those kinda stunts? I could hold my breath under water.

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Or you could not hold it under water? And drown?!

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KAREN HUMS

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-If I tried sword-swallowing.

-No.

-Or chain-saw swallowing.

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But then they wouldn't let me do it. I could do it with like a mop

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because I think the people that clean afterwards have some of them.

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So you're going to put a day's worth of bacteria into your stomach?

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No, the wooden bit!

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-Accounts.

-That's worse. The cleaners' hands have been on it.

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-They're cleaners, they obviously have clean hands.

-No-o.

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Or I could have like a choir of parrots.

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A choir. Of parrots?

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KAREN HUMS: "Hole In The Wall" theme

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Bring on the wall!

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MAKES SOUND EFFECTS

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Ben! Teeth!

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You shouldn't discourage him like that.

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It's not good for his confidence.

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-Will it be good for his confidence when the whole school laughs at him?

-DOORBELL

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-Who's that?

-A man in a suit.

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See what he wants, and if he's a cold caller, just do your stuff!

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OK.

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Go ba... Oh, f...

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No, I do not want to start again.

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I want to kill myself.

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Certainly. To kill myself!

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-Hello.

-They're busy.

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Um, can I speak to your mum or dad?

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You've just asked the question I answered.

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Mum and Dad don't speak to cold callers.

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-I'm not a cold caller.

-Do we know you?

-No, but...

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-Did we know you were going to call?

-No, however...

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I think that makes you a cold caller.

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I think this competition will be good for Ben.

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-I'm worried about him settling in at school.

-Well, that's good.

-Eh?

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Well, that'll stop you worrying about Jake being up to something.

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Oh, God, Jake, yeah. Yeah, he keeps putting up all these defences.

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Well, maybe if you stop trying to break into his Facebook page.

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-You should give up.

-I'm not a cold caller and this is very important.

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-The lady from BT said that.

-Your mum and dad are not going to be pleased

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-when they realise you wouldn't let me talk to them.

-She said that, too.

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Look, try the blue house over there.

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If you get there before her helper arrives, she'll buy anything.

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But he seems to have this sixth sense.

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Whichever teenage girl I pretend to be, he spots it.

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And I'm using all the current slang and everything.

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-Yeah, you're right, I need to chillax.

-Chillax?

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He's pretty low-maintenance for a 15-year-old boy.

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He's got nice friends.

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Jake's got loads of friends.

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Big kids come up to me and say, "You're Jailbait's brother.

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-"His band's really cool." Can I have a mini eclair?

-Jailbait?

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-Yeah, that's his nickname. Can I have a mini eclair?

-Jail...bait?

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Yeah. You've asked that twice. Can I have a mini eclair?

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No. Why's that his nickname?

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I don't know. I mean, why am I called Casualty?

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or Ouch, or The Destructonator.

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I'm not called that, but I'd like to be. Can I have a mini eclair?

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No. Get ready for school.

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-Is eating caterpillars a talent?

-Only if you're a bird.

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Well, Karen, I can see you are a clever little girl who isn't going

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to let me talk to your mum and dad, but perhaps you could

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let me have a little chat with Angela Bollinger.

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Who's that?

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Your mum's sister, Angela.

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-Auntie Angela is staying with you, isn't she?

-No.

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She comes about once a year

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and then they smile at each other for a bit,

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and then they shout at each other for a bit.

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Once, Mum kicked her up the bottom.

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But now she's married this man with a silly name that I forget.

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Look, this is very important.

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I'm bored now.

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OK, just take my card.

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Tell your mum or dad it's vital they ring me, mmm?

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Foot.

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Look, I think it may be best if we don't actually ask Jake about this.

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No, you're right.

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-Because it's not like he's going to tell you.

-No, no, you're right.

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Oh, God, kids these days just grow up so quickly, that's the prob...

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Has someone moved my science homework?

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Why are you called Jailbait?

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-What?

-Why is that your nickname?

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-Mum, Dad...

-Not now, Karen.

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It's just a name, that's all, and it's none of your business.

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-But, Dad.

-Just get ready for school, now!

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-And I...

-Dad, are cabbages flammable?

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-Why?

-Just an idea for the talent contest, bye!

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-Why are you called Jailbait?

-I need to go to school.

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I knew he wouldn't answer.

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I just wanted to learn from the WAY he didn't answer.

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What did you learn?

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If you're not going to work, could you attack that ironing please? Karen! School!

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If I filled the freezer with water, how big an ice cube could I make?

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Will you just forget the David Blaine thing?

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You need something practical for the talent show.

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-I checked some things on the Internet.

-I saw - fire-eating.

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I'm not doing that,

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some kids in my class have some weird phobia of fire.

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Yes.

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Well, we know why that is, don't we?

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It turned out OK.

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Mr Hunslet said he'd got bored of having eyebrows. I like Mr Hunslet.

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Maybe I could be a comedian and I could, like, tell jokes.

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No, Ben, that...

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Actually, that's quite a good idea.

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DOORBELL

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Where's Karen when you need her?

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Everyone laughed a lot when I farted at Uncle Bob's funeral.

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Yeah, well, that was funny.

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Though it was the echo as much as anything.

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-And I've got this joke book.

-A joke book? That sounds great.

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Hi, Pete.

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Angela.

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Hello.

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-Hi.

-I brought Misty with me.

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And some baggage. Luggage.

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-Aren't you going to ask us in?

-Yes, of course.

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-Is Brick with you?

-Not this time.

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So, you won't get to shove each other in the chest in a car park.

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-Hi, Ben!

-Uh-oh!

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-Ben.

-Does Mum know you're coming?

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-Ben, say hello.

-Hello, Auntie Angela.

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-DOES Sue know you're coming?

-Er...

-Or is this just a lovely surprise?

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To be honest, Pete, we're in a bit of a situation.

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Our hotel room was double booked. Every single place we tried was full

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and this is Misty's first ever night in Europe.

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We wondered if maybe we could stay with you, just for one night?

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Just one night. I'm sure that would be...

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nice.

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A skeleton walks into a pub and says,

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"I'll have a pint of lager and a mop."

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He's going to be a comedian in the school talent show.

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It's funny because he's a skeleton, so when he drinks the lager,

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it'll go right through him and then he needs the mop to clean it up.

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-Do you get it?

-Yeah, I get it. We had a really rough...

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There's a skeleton and he goes in to a pub

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and says, "I'll have a pint of lager and a mop."

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Look, do you get it or not? Because you're still not laughing.

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-Ben!

-OK, well, this skeleton, he doesn't have a stomach...

-Ben!

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..or a bladder, or anything like that. And he knows this.

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-I expect you've got some homework.

-No.

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Uh-oh...

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So, Misty, would you like a drink? I've got Coke.

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No, thank you, I suffer from personal gas.

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Right. Well, I've got tea, coffee.

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All the drinks you pour water onto, that don't give you gas.

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-No, thank you.

-So, Pete, you're a house-husband now?

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No, I'm supply teaching. I just...

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-It's OK, don't feel emasculated. I think it's marvellous.

-I don't...

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So, Auntie, how's things?

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-Terrific, thanks, Jake. I've become a writer.

-A writer?

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They want to publish my book.

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I'm meeting an editor here in London and Misty wanted to see Europe.

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Oh, Jesus.

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Hi, Karen! This is Misty. Is Mum with you?

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-No, I ran ahead. Does she know you're here?

-Karen!

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-It's a surprise.

-But it's not going to be a nice surprise, though.

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Cos you just fight.

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Don't be silly, we won't fight.

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I'm going to my bedroom. Call me when it's all over.

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So, this book. Is it a novel?

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No, Pete, it's a self-help book. It gives advice on surviving families.

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So it's, it's you...

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giving advice about families to other people.

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I've finally understood that my pain was a gift.

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Hello!

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That's Sue... I'll just...

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-Sue...

-Jake is going out with a 19-year-old.

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-Angela's here.

-What, you let her in?

-19? One-nine?

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-She can't stay.

-I said she could stay the night.

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-How do you know?

-I finally conned my way on to his Facebook page.

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-What the bloody hell is Angela doing here?

-She's written a book.

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-19? So this girl's...

-A book?

-..four years older than him?

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-What kind of book?

-Hey! Did you hear about the cowboy who wore

0:10:330:10:36

a paper hat, shirt and trousers? He was found guilty of rustling.

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-Not now, Ben.

-What is rustling?

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Ben, go! He's going to be a comedian.

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-19!

-Angela!

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No violence now, Mum.

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-19.

-Can you stop saying that?

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Hi, Sue! Aren't you going to come in and say hello to your sister?

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So, let me get this straight.

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-You're giving advice on families to other people.

-Yes, I am.

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She finally understood her pain was a gift.

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DOORBELL

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-Karen! Door!

-I've found this really good joke on Twitter.

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-It's a Frankie Boyle joke.

-I'm going to stop you right there.

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-Well, I've already told it to Misty.

-Did she laugh?

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She made some noises. I wouldn't really call it laughing as such.

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Ben! It's for you!

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So, does this book draw on our family?

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A tiny bit, but enough of me and my writing.

0:11:330:11:36

-I hear you've got some secretarial work?

-I never said secre...

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I run an office at a multimedia interconnect company.

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They provide connectivity solutions for different types of media.

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-But what exactly...

-I run the office, I don't know, OK?

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And how's everything with Jake? Has he got a girlfriend yet?

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-Well...

-Yeah, there are rumours.

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But you haven't had the big day when you meet her for the first time?

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No, but that big day will be coming soon.

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-Will it?

-Yes. Yes, it will.

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-What the...?

-That was Ibrahim at the door.

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He's given me to Ben.

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I was in his attic and they didn't want me.

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-His grandmother said I was the work of the devil.

-He's horrible.

-Ben!

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-Rah!

-SUE SCREAMS

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So, I'm going to do my act and then you've got to heckle me,

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so I can practise my put-downs.

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Well, we are quite tired.

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OK, just do your best.

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Knock knock.

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Who's there?

0:12:340:12:35

Dwayne. Dwayne who?

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Dwain the bathtub - I'm dwowning.

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-You haven't heckled me yet.

-You're rubbish.

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Erm...

0:12:450:12:48

OK, sorry. The...

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The heckling stuff is at the back.

0:12:490:12:53

Erm...

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Erm...

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Erm...

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Are you wearing those clothes for a bet?

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I find him very disturbing.

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Oh, it's all right, sweetie, he's only a dummy made of wood.

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No, the boy.

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-Who did your make-up? A clown?

-Oh, that's charming.

0:13:240:13:27

No, I just don't think we should rush up to him and say,

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"So, you've got a 19-year-old girlfriend".

0:13:300:13:33

Every time you say, "19-year-old girlfriend",

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you've got a bit of a grin on your face.

0:13:360:13:39

No, I haven't!

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-It's illegal.

-Well, only technically.

0:13:400:13:43

-No, not technically...

-Only if they're...

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Do you think he's got a 19-year-old girlfriend

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and they're reading poetry to... You're doing the grin again!

0:13:480:13:51

No, I'm not!

0:13:510:13:52

I will now recite the alphabet whilst drinking this glass of water.

0:13:520:13:58

I think we've had enough.

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A, B, C,

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-D, E...

-Ben.

-..F, G, H...

0:14:030:14:09

Ben, I think YOU'RE supposed to drink the water.

0:14:090:14:12

-What?

-I think YOU'RE supposed to drink the water.

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But I'm not thirsty. He is.

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You are!

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My face at rest just happens to look like a bit of a grin, that's all.

0:14:190:14:23

-You admire him, don't you?

-No.

0:14:230:14:24

He's doing something you could only dream of as a teenager.

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OK, let's not forget you had a boyfriend - a steady boyfriend - at 14,

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which is the equivalent of about eight now.

0:14:310:14:34

-But he was 14, the same age as me.

-I've seen the photo, he looks...

0:14:340:14:38

Well, look, how would you feel if Karen was 15

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-and had a 19-year-old boyfriend?

-Well...

-You're not grinning now.

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-Well, that would be different.

-Why?

-Well, because... Because...

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-Cos she's a girl.

-I haven't said that.

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-You haven't said anything yet. Why is that different?

-Because...

-Yes?

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We'll have a word with Jake.

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I wouldn't say my mother-in-law is fat...

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Oh, Ben, please, no jokes about people with weight issues.

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..but every time she goes swimming...she gets harpooned.

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-People who have had weight issues...

-Well, it's not me saying it.

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-People find jokes like that offensive.

-Yeah, I agree with you.

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This is quite offensive. But I'm not the one saying it, he is.

0:15:140:15:17

Don't join their side, you traitor. You're being mean about fat people.

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Rot in hell, you back-stabbing traitor.

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-SUE KNOCKS

-Jake.

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What?!

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Jake!

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I'm in the middle of a maths problem.

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Well... how's this for a maths problem?

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19 plus 15 equals a crime.

0:15:350:15:38

What are you talking about?

0:15:380:15:40

-You and this 19-year-old girl, it's a crime.

-A crime?

0:15:400:15:44

Yes! She could be put on the sex offenders' register.

0:15:440:15:47

Whoa, cool it a bit, Mum. Anyway, it's not her fault.

0:15:470:15:53

Well, I think you'll find it IS her fault.

0:15:530:15:55

No, it's not...

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-cos she thinks I'm 17.

-Why?

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-That's what I told her.

-Well, she should have checked.

-What?

0:15:590:16:01

Well... She, she...

0:16:010:16:04

She should have asked to see some formal means of identification.

0:16:040:16:08

-She did.

-What?

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She's seen my ID.

0:16:100:16:11

Well, you mean you've got fake ID to say you're 17 years old?

0:16:110:16:15

No, it says I'm 18. There's no point in having a fake ID

0:16:150:16:18

-saying you're one year too young to do anything.

-Right.

0:16:180:16:23

Come on, Mum, everyone's got fake ID. Dave's got one to say he's got diplomatic immunity.

0:16:230:16:27

Jake... You're... You're just...

0:16:270:16:31

You're not... Pete, why aren't you saying anything?

0:16:310:16:33

Because you're not leaving any gaps.

0:16:330:16:36

-But, Jake, your mum is right. This girl, what's her name?

-Victoria.

0:16:360:16:40

-And where does she live?

-In Ealing.

0:16:400:16:42

Do you have any photographs of her?

0:16:420:16:44

Well, that's not important, is it?

0:16:440:16:48

No.

0:16:480:16:49

No, I'm not going in the box, I'm not going in the box!

0:16:490:16:52

You are, you're going in the box.

0:16:520:16:54

No, no, I'm not going in the box.

0:16:540:16:56

Don't ignore me, I've got another joke.

0:16:560:16:59

We don't want to hear it.

0:16:590:17:00

But this one's good

0:17:000:17:02

and it's all about fat people.

0:17:020:17:04

Is this abnormal behaviour?

0:17:040:17:06

I have human rights.

0:17:060:17:07

Not really. Not for him.

0:17:070:17:10

I think he's quietened down. Urgh!

0:17:100:17:13

Mum's four years younger than you.

0:17:130:17:14

-Oh, come on!

-No, it's...

0:17:140:17:17

What is wrong with...

0:17:170:17:19

consorting with girls your own age?

0:17:190:17:22

Well, then I WOULD be doing something illegal.

0:17:220:17:25

Would you? Would he?

0:17:250:17:27

-Erm, I'm not sure...

-But you Googled it.

0:17:270:17:30

I Googled "sex under 16"... which was a mistake.

0:17:300:17:34

Look, Jake, for a start, you've got to tell this Victoria your real age.

0:17:340:17:40

Why? What are you going to do, go to the police?

0:17:400:17:42

Yes! Maybe.

0:17:420:17:45

-That's just stupid. That's the most...

-It's not stupid.

0:17:450:17:48

-What will the police do?

-It's me looking out for you.

0:17:480:17:51

Calm down, before someone says something really unfortunate.

0:17:510:17:54

She always goes mental when Angela's around.

0:17:540:17:57

Like that.

0:17:570:17:59

I promise, honey, everything's going to be just...

0:17:590:18:01

Hi, sweetie. My, how you've grown.

0:18:010:18:04

Look, I don't want you to sleep in my room,

0:18:040:18:07

but seeing as you are, here is a list of rules.

0:18:070:18:09

I'm not very likely to wee in the bed.

0:18:110:18:14

-Auntie Maddy did.

-Really?

0:18:140:18:17

Yes, she had too much red wine. She's a borderline alcoholic.

0:18:170:18:21

-Is she?

-She also broke rules six and eight.

0:18:210:18:24

-Sign in the box, please.

-I don't see a box.

0:18:240:18:28

Of course, just below rule 27.

0:18:310:18:35

But you haven't read them yet. Don't sign something you haven't read.

0:18:350:18:39

That's how that woman got on the wrong side of Rumpelstiltskin.

0:18:390:18:43

She doesn't have to sign because she looks too sad.

0:18:450:18:48

-Sue?

-I couldn't sleep.

0:18:510:18:55

It's that band of Jake's that's the problem.

0:18:560:18:58

-You know what girls are like around bands.

-What's that?

0:18:580:19:02

Oh, er, it's Angela's book.

0:19:020:19:04

Stumbled across it...

0:19:040:19:06

-..in her luggage.

-Right...

0:19:070:19:10

Well, I stumbled across the disk in her luggage...

0:19:100:19:13

which I put back...

0:19:130:19:15

..after I printed it out.

0:19:160:19:18

-Right...

-Here, listen to this.

0:19:180:19:22

"Some self-help books are Band-Aids, some are bandages,

0:19:220:19:26

"this book is a portal."

0:19:260:19:29

A portal?

0:19:290:19:30

"A portal to take you back to when the hurt happened.

0:19:300:19:33

"To let you relive it in a healing way,

0:19:330:19:37

"which will positivise your future. Let me talk you through my past."

0:19:370:19:41

"Talk to you through my arse"?

0:19:410:19:43

"In my family, my sister was a mani...pulator."

0:19:430:19:48

Maybe stop there.

0:19:480:19:50

"She hooked my MOM like a drug pusher,

0:19:500:19:53

"gave her love until she got used to it.

0:19:530:19:56

"Then she took it away and forced my MOM to buy it hit by hit."

0:19:560:20:00

Or...stop there?

0:20:000:20:02

-Mom! Mom!

-Sue...

0:20:020:20:05

We didn't have a "Mom", we had a bloody "Mum".

0:20:050:20:07

Let's not have a fight with her about this.

0:20:070:20:09

"She finally found the man she'd been looking for.

0:20:090:20:12

"A weak but angry man, who avoided all confrontation,

0:20:120:20:17

"who she could hook like she hooked MOM."

0:20:170:20:20

"Weak and angry"? And I avoid confrontation, do I?

0:20:200:20:22

Well, I tell you what, tomorrow morning, at bloody breakfast...

0:20:220:20:26

Are you two fighting?

0:20:260:20:29

No. No, sweetheart, come on.

0:20:290:20:31

-Why are you awake at this time of night?

-Are you sure?

0:20:310:20:37

Yeah. Really.

0:20:370:20:38

We're not fighting. We want to fight Auntie Angela.

0:20:420:20:46

A bit.

0:20:460:20:47

Why do families fight so much?

0:20:470:20:51

Well, they fight mostly because they...they love each other.

0:20:510:20:57

Did Henry VIII love Anne Boleyn?

0:20:570:20:59

Well, yes, in a sense, he loved her too much, because he ended up...

0:20:590:21:03

-Chopping her head off.

-Yes.

0:21:030:21:06

In front of hundreds of people. What about Richard III?

0:21:060:21:09

-What about Richard III?

-He locked up those princes so they starved and died.

0:21:090:21:13

-Come on.

-Come on, it's...

-Did they actually love each other...?

0:21:130:21:16

SHE SNEEZES

0:21:160:21:17

Bless you.

0:21:170:21:19

So why do families fight?

0:21:190:21:21

Listen, families are like democracy - really rubbish,

0:21:210:21:26

but better than the alternatives.

0:21:260:21:28

-Do you want a carry upstairs, for old time's sake?

-OK.

0:21:280:21:31

-And don't worry about fighting.

-Oh, I don't.

0:21:310:21:34

I like watching it.

0:21:340:21:36

So, the big fight's going to be at breakfast?

0:21:360:21:40

Er...yep.

0:21:400:21:43

So, yeah, er, Dad. This is how I'm going to do it, OK?

0:21:430:21:47

Hello, School! He's Junior. "And he's Jen."

0:21:470:21:51

-I could see your lips moving.

-So?

0:21:510:21:53

You're not meant to see your lips moving.

0:21:530:21:55

So close your eyes.

0:21:550:21:57

And also, he called you "Jen".

0:21:570:21:59

Maybe he has a speech impediment. He's a dummy. It's his own life!

0:21:590:22:02

But I'm just trying to...

0:22:020:22:04

"Keep quiet, blondie!" Don't talk about my sister that way.

0:22:040:22:07

-You're both dummies!

-Why are you watching this?!

0:22:070:22:10

-Hiya!

-Hiya.

0:22:100:22:12

Karen, go get dressed. Go on.

0:22:150:22:20

So, the book, much about me in it?

0:22:200:22:25

Not much, no, the odd mention now and then.

0:22:250:22:28

What sort of mention? A nice mention?

0:22:280:22:32

It's mostly affectionate.

0:22:330:22:35

It's just...

0:22:350:22:37

Ben, can you and Junior please go get ready for school?

0:22:380:22:42

"That was your fault." No, it wasn't, it was your fault.

0:22:420:22:46

-Have got you any skimmed milk? I find...

-You call me a drug pusher!

0:22:460:22:49

You've read it!

0:22:490:22:51

You say I'm controlling, small-minded.

0:22:510:22:53

-You got it out of my suit...

-And you say the bike Mum bought me was better than yours.

0:22:530:22:56

-Yours was way better.

-That is a totally unacceptable invasion of privacy.

0:22:560:23:01

-We can get an injunction to stop you publishing.

-No, you can't.

0:23:010:23:04

Yes, we can. We've looked into it.

0:23:040:23:06

Between last night and breakfast?

0:23:060:23:09

Lawyers get to work very early.

0:23:090:23:10

Oh, you're just jealous of my success.

0:23:100:23:13

Oh, I should take that book and shove it up your...

0:23:130:23:19

-portal.

-Why are you so angry?

-Me, angry?

0:23:190:23:22

That book is the angriest thing I've ever read.

0:23:220:23:25

-Oh, that's big coming from you. You're the angriest of anyone!

-Don't be ridiculous.

0:23:250:23:29

-You're the angry one.

-OK, OK, everyone's angry. Where's my backpack?

0:23:290:23:35

They're all very angry, apparently.

0:23:350:23:37

Misty, we're leaving straight after breakfast.

0:23:370:23:40

I'm going to need the number for a cab.

0:23:400:23:42

-BOTH: 0207...

-946 0505.

0:23:420:23:45

You know, it's good sometimes that I come back to suburbia.

0:23:450:23:50

It reminds me exactly why I...

0:23:500:23:53

God.

0:23:550:23:56

I know you hate me, but...

0:23:580:23:59

..are you working with Brick?

0:24:010:24:04

Brick?

0:24:040:24:05

Sneider and Morpego. This card is from his attorneys.

0:24:050:24:10

I've no idea what that is.

0:24:100:24:13

Is Brick paying you?

0:24:130:24:15

-Oh, that's the card from the man.

-What man?

0:24:150:24:18

The man that called yesterday and said he wasn't a cold caller.

0:24:180:24:22

-He asked if Angela was here.

-And what did you say?

0:24:220:24:25

Well, I said "no" obviously because you weren't here yesterday.

0:24:250:24:30

-Why didn't you tell us this?

-I tried to.

0:24:300:24:33

But you were too busy arguing with Jake about his nickname.

0:24:330:24:37

Have you seen my trainers? Oh, oh, I know where they are.

0:24:370:24:41

Oh, don't worry, sweetie, why don't you go and pack your things?

0:24:420:24:47

Me and Brick split up badly.

0:24:500:24:52

He was psychologically abusive, especially to Misty,

0:24:520:24:56

so I left him and I took her with me.

0:24:560:24:59

-But, Brick being Brick...

-I liked Brick.

0:24:590:25:01

-Ben.

-I liked him cos he was called Brick.

0:25:010:25:04

Ben, can you just...?

0:25:040:25:06

"I liked Brick too." You didn't know Brick. "Yes, I did."

0:25:060:25:09

No, you didn't. "Yes, I did." No, you didn't.

0:25:090:25:12

So you've done a runner with Brick's daughter?

0:25:120:25:15

I had to, Pete, he's evil.

0:25:150:25:18

He had his first wife committed and, anyway, now he's traced us to London

0:25:180:25:23

and I've got nowhere to go.

0:25:230:25:26

Unless, of course, I could stay here for a couple of hours,

0:25:270:25:32

just until I sort out a hotel.

0:25:320:25:35

-OK, but I want you out by lunchtime.

-Out by lunchtime? Absolutely.

0:25:350:25:39

All this stuff about Brick, you didn't put it in the book.

0:25:390:25:44

The publisher said to save it for the sequel.

0:25:440:25:47

Angela?

0:25:580:25:59

Whoo-hoo! Alone at last.

0:26:100:26:13

-She's a difficult woman to get rid of. I was thinking of calling Rentokil.

-Dad.

0:26:130:26:18

-Have you phoned Victoria, like we agreed?

-Erm...

-Come on, Jake, have you or haven't you?

-Erm...

0:26:180:26:23

Hi, Pete.

0:26:240:26:25

What the hell are you still doing here?

0:26:270:26:29

-I'm sorry, all the hotels were booked out.

-No, they weren't.

0:26:290:26:34

-I told you he wouldn't believe you.

-I did the talent show.

0:26:340:26:36

Brick's cut off my cards.

0:26:360:26:38

-Everyone laughed a lot.

-Great.

-But in the wrong places.

0:26:380:26:41

I've no money. We can't go.

0:26:410:26:43

I tried telling them. I shouted, "Stop laughing", but it just made them laugh even more.

0:26:430:26:48

It was all Junior's fault. I've had enough. I'm going solo.

0:26:480:26:51

-Where are all the Jaffa Cakes?

-I think Misty had those.

0:26:510:26:55

Oh, hi, Ben, how did you get on with the talent con...?

0:26:550:26:58

-Jesus, you're still here.

-Yes.

0:26:580:27:00

She hasn't got enough money for a hotel room.

0:27:000:27:03

I haven't got money for anything. I'm stuck here.

0:27:030:27:07

When you say "here", what exactly do you mean by...

0:27:070:27:10

MOBILE BLEEPS

0:27:100:27:12

Text from Misty.

0:27:120:27:15

She's having one of her bathroom traumas. She has a fear of flush toilets.

0:27:150:27:19

We need to talk about this, you can't just... Hey! Come back here!

0:27:190:27:23

I'm coming!

0:27:230:27:25

So, what you going to do?

0:27:250:27:26

-Never mind what WE'RE going to do. Have you done what you were supposed to do?

-Sorry?

0:27:260:27:32

This girl, have you told her?

0:27:320:27:33

-I'm not allowed to use my mobile at school.

-Ring her now.

0:27:330:27:36

She's working.

0:27:360:27:37

Working? You said she was a student.

0:27:370:27:40

Yeah, but she's got a part-time job.

0:27:400:27:42

-Doing what?

-In entertainment.

-Doing what?

-She's a dancer.

0:27:420:27:46

-What, does she dance with a dance troupe?

-No, she dances on her own.

0:27:460:27:50

She dances on...?

0:27:500:27:52

-Oh, my God!

-Is there a pole involved?

0:27:520:27:55

Sometimes.

0:27:570:27:58

You're going out with a 19-year-old lap dancer?

0:27:580:28:01

No, she's not a lap dancer, lap dancers are cheap.

0:28:010:28:03

She's a pole dancer, and pole dancing is artistic.

0:28:030:28:06

Oh, is that what she's told you?

0:28:060:28:08

No, it is artistic, I've seen her.

0:28:080:28:10

He's seen her! She's... You've seen...?

0:28:100:28:12

He's seen her!

0:28:120:28:14

It's OK, I wasn't in the club, I was only backstage.

0:28:140:28:17

With all the other naked strippers?

0:28:180:28:21

You just have to be judgmental, don't you?

0:28:210:28:23

-Naked strippers?

-Oi, keep this out of it!

0:28:230:28:26

-Mum! Dad!

-Not now, Karen.

0:28:260:28:29

DOORBELL RINGS

0:28:290:28:30

-Who's that?

-It's that man. He's back.

0:28:300:28:34

The guy that's looking for Auntie Angela.

0:28:340:28:37

DOORBELL RINGS

0:28:420:28:43

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:29:030:29:06

Mum is still convinced Jake has a secret, while Ben is determined to enter a school talent competition with an unusual double act. Then a couple of surprise callers make life more difficult than usual for the family.


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