Hunting Trip Parks and Recreation

And I'm like, "What?" LAUGHTER

It's pretty great having Andy working in the building.

The guy is so much fun. His new thing? Piggyback rides!

Any time you want.

Piggyback! Piggyback!

Move! Piggyback! Bam!

Piggyback! Bam!

Mark!

Brendanawicz!

-Giddyup! Giddyup!

-SHE LAUGHS

Oh!

Councilman Howser. Hello.

Hello.

Did you get my proposal for the possible re-zoning of Lot 48?

I have been busy.

I know. But I think it would be a really great thing for the neighbourhood.

I don't doubt it. But it's really a question of resource allocation.

And I completely understand that. But you and I both know

that if we want to find the money, we can.

I'm running late.

Oh, I'll walk with you.

See, the thing is, when we allocate money for parks...

Just a reminder. Tomorrow's a half-day.

Jerry, Mark and I have to conduct the annual trail survey

at Slippery Elm Park.

Ron, I had the trail survey hats made to commemorate the trip.

Nice, Jerry.

Oh, and if you have any questions about the details,

feel free to shoot me an email.

HE LAUGHS

The only trails he's going to be surveying

are trails of lies and deception.

Ron has a special deal with the park rangers.

Every November, they let him use their cabin

so he can go on a secret hunting trip

with all the guys in the office.

Not all the guys. He's never taken me.

Fine, all the men.

Ron, let's cut the bull.

I want me, Tom and all the other ladies

included on your hunting trip.

Hunting trip? We're doing a trail survey, Leslie.

You're literally listening to turkey calls.

Is this not rap?

-Come on.

-All right. Look,

it's not just a hunting trip,

it's a tradition.

I am really good at hunting,

and I'm even better at being one of the guys.

Well, it's a work event,

-so legally I can't stop you from coming.

-Yes!

This is going to be so fun! I'll bring S'mores.

And just like that,

the one tiny aspect of government I enjoyed

was clubbed to death before my eyes.

April! I need you to do something for me.

I'm going hunting tomorrow, so call the State Parks Office

and get verbal confirmation that our budget documentation is in.

Can I just tell you the 16-digit tracking number, or do you want me to write it down?

I'll write it down. Can you handle this?

You want me to dial a number and then read another number out loud?

Yes. Can you handle this?

No.

Well, try, OK?

And if you do it, I will name the first turkey I shoot after you.

Cool.

Ann! Ready to bag some birds?

Nope. But I am ready to relax by the fire and get my Real Simple magazine on.

Well, if you change your mind, you're now officially a licensed Indiana hunter.

Oh, gross.

'Hello, you have reached the Indiana State Parks Department.

'Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line.'

HOLD MUSIC PLAYS

-All right, here we go!

-Here we are!

-There he is.

-There's Ron! Oh, it's pretty!

-I know.

-I thought it was going to be gross.

Holy cow. Ron, it is good to be back.

Sneak attack!

THEY LAUGH

Damn it!

I am the Pants King! Bow to me.

Bow! I bow! I am the Pants...

I am the Pants Queen.

What the hell?

Bow to the Pants Queen.

When you're out with the boys, you got to be ready for a good pantsing.

That's why I have suspenders that connect my bra to my jeans.

Ron "P. Diddy" Combs. I have to admit, this place is pretty tight.

May I interest anyone in some chew?

Nice touch, Haverford.

Let me get some of that.

You sure?

-Yeah.

-I would not have pegged you

as a user of mouth tobacco.

I'm full of surprises, Ron.

Oh, man.

My stomach's a little upset. I feel a little queasy.

Yeah, that might be the chew. You could spit it out.

I swallowed it. You're supposed to swallow it, right?

No.

All right.

Poor little buddy.

Why they call it chew and not swallow. Am I right, Ron?

Yes, you are right.

RETCHING

All right, safety basics!

Donna, can you tell me why it's bad to look down the barrel of your gun?

Is that a trick question?

No, Donna, don't! Please!

Rule number one, do not point the weapon at a person.

That includes your own face, Donna.

Now, every year, before we go on our first hunt, we do a toast.

So grab a beer.

To the hunt.

ALL: Hear, hear.

And to the hunters!

The only way to defeat the beast is to find the beast within.

Pretty good. ALL: Hear, hear!

Yeah! Right on! Cheers.

Ron, your toast sucked.

The traditional toast is "To the hunt!"

And it is said by me.

You all set, Mark?

Oh, I was thinking maybe we could do mixed doubles, you know?

Boy-girl, boy-girl.

Leslie, you said that we were going to hunt together.

Oh, Ann, I always forget because you're so pretty, you're not used to rejection.

I have to hunt with Ron.

Ann, we'll go together.

Perfect!

All right, I hope you're ready to discuss some college bowl game scenarios!

Bully.

HOLD MUSIC PLAYS

Andy! Andy! Can you come here, please?

-Yeah. What's up?

-I've been on hold for, like, an hour and I really have to pee.

-Can you just sit here for two seconds and just listen, please?

-Yes.

-Please?

-OK.

-And if they answer, can you just read those numbers out loud?

-Yeah.

-OK, thanks.

Gobble-gobble-gobble!

Now here's the female adolescent turkey.

Gobble-gobble-gobble!

-Could you hear the difference?

-No.

Turkeys can.

GUNSHOT

Boo-la, boo-la, boo-la!

Boo-la, boo-la, boo-la!

Boo-la, boo-la, boo-la!

We do that the first time one of us hits something.

Oh, cool! Boo-la, boo-la...

No, no. You missed it.

Look, Ron, I know this weekend, you were looking forward

to a lot of man-on-man-on-man action, but I just wanted to say I'm very grateful

that you let me come along on this trip.

That's fine.

I'm just glad you didn't end up inviting more of the motor...

GUNSHOT

BLEEP

-What the hell? Give me some warning!

-I saw a quail.

Sorry, man, you snooze, you lose.

Boo-la, boo-la, boo-la!

Boo-la, boo-la, boo-la!

I think this is going to be a really good bonding sesh for me and Ron.

Guys love it when you can show them you're better than they are

at something they love.

Hey, check this out.

# I am on hold with the State Parks Department

# I am on hold so suck on my butt. #

-Nice.

-Yeah.

They didn't answer, obviously. Where is everyone?

-Hunting trip.

-Hunting trip?

-Did Mark go?

-Yeah.

That's cool, at least he's not with Ann.

No, Ann's there.

God! How come he gets to do all the things I want to do?

Go hunting, Ann.

Maybe a deer will eat him.

HE LAUGHS

That would be really awesome. But I don't think that will happen, probably.

You're surprised that my breasts didn't throw my aim off?

Leslie, please.

I don't care that you're a girl. I just don't like change.

I like going to the same place with the same people,

telling the same stories and seeing who can bag the most turkeys.

It seems like you like to go hunting with the same people cos you know you can beat them.

A hundred bucks says I bag more birds than you.

You're on. Let's split up. I do it better alone.

Yeah, you do! See? Just one of the guys.

Your favourite kind of cake can't be birthday cake.

-That's like saying your favourite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.

-Mmm, I love breakfast cereal.

Look! Some kind of bird! Let's kill it! You talking to me, bitch?

GUNSHOT

GUNSHOT

What were you aiming at?

Nothing.

OK.

GUNSHOT

HE LAUGHS

OK. OK. I can understand why people like that.

-Right?

-Yeah!

GUNSHOT

Yeah!

Yeah. And keeping one's eyes open is always a good rule of thumb around guns.

This is such a great day.

See, at my house, I got a wife and three beautiful daughters.

But this trip, it is the one time of year I get to pee standing up.

DISTANT GUNSHOTS

I love that sound.

Aagh!

Aah! I've been shot!

I've been shot!

Somebody shot me in the head!

Boo-la, boo-la, boo-la?

-Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I gotta pee.

-Over here. All right, right there.

-Ron, I got your hat! Ron, I have your hat!

-Oh, my God!

-Are you in a lot of pain?

-I was shot in the head with a shotgun.

-Ron, it's actually not that serious.

-I just need you to stay calm, OK?

-Yeah, I'm just going to stay angry. I find that relaxes me.

OK, Ron, we called 911 and they're going to send a ranger.

Oh, damn! This is a mess.

-The rangers won't let us come back next year.

-No!

-We're not going to think about that right now.

You guys, can you just put him on the day bed in the carcass room?

-Day bed?

-Yeah.

SCREAMING OUTSIDE

-Sure. OK, now. Hold on! Hold on!

-Is that Donna?

-Donna?

-OK, easy.

-Donna?

-Don't worry.

SHE HYPERVENTILATES

-Are you OK? What? Is it your heart? Are you having trouble breathing?

-DONNA SCREAMS

It's my car. Someone shot my car!

SHE SCREAMS AND SOBS

-OK. Here's your Scotch, Ron.

-OK, Jerry. Jerry's here. Here you go. Here's your Scotch, Ron.

There we go, Ron. OK. Hey, you know what is great? Ann's going to take care of you.

And Ann is the best nurse in North America. All right. There you go.

Ahh...

-What? You OK?

-Did you shoot me?

What? No!

There was a bird kind of near me,

and I know how desperate you were to prove yourself.

No. No, I swear, I didn't. Ron, I swear to God, I've never shot anyone.

Well, you better find out who it was. And then, purchase them a coffin,

because I'm going to rip them apart.

OK.

Marco!

Polo!

Marco!

Polo!

Marco?

Polo!

-Marco!

-Polo!

-Hey.

-OK.

-How are you feeling?

How are you feeling? Are you dizzy? Are you dizzy or... Are you light-headed?

When I look at my palm, I see a lady's mouth French kissing a dog.

-Is that normal?

-Is that normal?

Well, the pain medication I gave you is pretty strong.

-Donna uses it for menstrual cramps. How many did you take?

-Seven. Eight.

But I washed them down with plenty of fluids.

No, Ron, you cannot drink Scotch with this.

-You're going to need to purge, right now! OK?

-No!

-Oh, yeah.

-No, I'm not wasting 20-year Scotch.

-Yes.

-Can you open his mouth?

-No.

-Leslie? Open his mouth.

-What?

-No.

-Open his mouth.

-OK.

-I'm not making myself throw up.

-Oh, Ron. I'm sorry we have to do this!

-Ron, you have to.

-Ron?

-This is for your own good.

-I will bite you!

-Open your mouth!

-Leslie, get... Grab his moustache!

-Oh, God!

-Open your mouth!

-Just a...

-Open your mouth!

-Aagh!

-His shoulders!

HE SCREAMS

SHE SCREAMS

Well, good news is Ron is resting comfortably.

Is he OK? Is he going to live?

I think so.

Although I am hoping that he has some memory loss.

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how pissed is he?

Well, he's very curious about who shot him.

So, if you did it, just say, "I did it."

Come on, person who shot Ron.

Look, I think it's a little weird

that nobody wants to admit that they shot Ron in the head.

-Maybe Ron shot himself.

-Hmm, he has seemed really depressed lately.

-He was shot in the back of the head.

-You're right.

He loves the back of his head. He would never shoot himself there.

It could have been someone else that shot Ron. Someone not in our group.

You think someone is hunting us?

Man is the most dangerous game.

To the Predator.

I did smell something out there. And it wasn't human.

That was pine trees.

The Predator can see heat.

We should cover ourselves in mud. It could still be out there.

DOOR SLAMS

-Did you hear that?

-Actually, I did hear something.

-OK. There's someone out there.

-I'm going to get my gun.

-OK, Tom. Scare him off and shoot over his head!

-What's that going to do? I'm going to shoot under its head!

-Don't shoot anyone!

-Whoa! Where are you going?

What are you doing? Tom! GUNSHOT

Hey! Don't shoot! Hey! It's Craig from Reinhold Mercedes!

Craig! Craig, I got you, dog! Craig! Don't worry, I'm coming!

Attention, person who shot me in the head!

I'm going to find you, and I'm going to tear you apart.

Ron! Bed! Now!

OK.

Here.

HOLD MUSIC PLAYS

That man wasn't my brother.

He was my husband.

-How was that? That wasn't good?

-Yeah, you can do better.

-All right. Give me another one.

OK.

I'm pregnant...

with Josh Groban's baby.

-That was good.

-You do one.

OK.

What do you mean the squirrel took the nuts out of the...

Out of that kid's backpack and ate them?

But you have to give me a reason to spit.

-You asked me a...

-Oh, oh, oh! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Don't ask me a question.

-I won't. OK. Not a question.

-OK, ready?

Yeah.

I've lived in Pawnee my whole life.

That is a fact. A fact about me.

And how...

Hey. How is he?

He's pretty out of it. He's talking about you in his sleep.

Good stuff?

-No.

-Oh.

-How's it going out there?

Terribly. No-one will admit they shot Ron. And no-one saw it happen.

I know what happened.

You do?

Listen, I heard about the accident and I need to know who is responsible.

-I don't know.

-Ron and I saw Jerry...

-That's the problem.

-I am.

I shot Ron Swanson.

You shot my Mercedes?!

What? No! No!

OK, follow my light. No, not your whole head. Just your eyes.

Just... Yeah. OK.

What month is it?

November.

Why are you taking the blame for this?

(Don't worry about it. I know what I'm doing. Just go look after Ron.)

So what happened? Did you forget to check the entire field?

I find a lot of women have problems with tunnel vision.

No. I'm an excellent hunter.

How did you end up shooting a guy in the head then?

Fair enough. I was walking in the woods

and then I tripped and my gun went off.

Ah, so you forgot to put the safety on.

No, I always have the safety on. I'm...

While I was tripping, I saw a quail and I shot at it.

In mid-trip?

No, that's...

OK, fine.

I got that tunnel vision that girls get.

SHE LAUGHS

And that's what happened. End of story.

I think you're hysterical because of all the excitement, obviously.

So, I'm just not following your story. All right?

I let my emotions get the best of me.

I just... I would... I cared too much, I guess.

I was thinking with my lady parts.

I was walking and I felt something icky.

I thought there was going to be chocolate.

I don't even remember!

I'm wearing a new bra and it closes in the front,

so it popped open and it threw me off.

All I want to do is have babies!

Are you single?

I'm just, like, going through a thing right now.

I guess when my life is incomplete I want to shoot someone.

This would not happen if I had a penis.

What? Bitches be crazy.

I'm good at tolerating pain. I'm bad at maths. And I'm stupid.

I wonder what they're doing right now.

Probably making out on top of a deer carcass.

Super romantic.

You know, if I gave you a hickey, it would totally make Ann jealous.

I don't know, I think that would...

That's pretty gross. Seems kind of weird.

What's weird about one friend sucking on another friend's neck?

When you put it that way, it doesn't sound that weird at all.

Yeah, it's not. I gave my gay boyfriend's boyfriend a hickey

and it totally made my gay boyfriend jealous.

Really?

All right. Awesome. I'm in.

I'm going to go sterilise my neck.

OK.

What?

You know, Leslie, the Super Bowl is in a couple of months.

I usually watch it with my brothers.

Maybe you could come by at half-time and shoot me in the head.

Ron, I'm really sorry that I ruined your weekend.

Perhaps next time I'm enjoying some alone time in the men's restroom,

you could invite yourself into my stall and shoot me in the head.

Look, if there's anything I can do to make it up to you...

Sure. How about you shoot me in the head? Oh, wait, you already did that!

Hey, Tom, can I talk to you for a second?

Hold on, this is amazing.

Now. I need to talk to you now.

OK. OK!

Whoa!

Ann! Whoa, are we finally going to do this?

Ow!

I saw you shoot Ron. OK? Leslie covered for you,

but I'm not going to let her take any more crap from Ron on your sorry-ass behalf.

OK, for the record, I was going to come forward and I'll do it right now.

But afterwards, can we come back here and talk about us?

Aah!

Aah...

Maybe the next time I'm at the doctor's office getting my prostate examined,

you could come by and shoot me in the head!

Excuse me, everyone. Ron, I have something to say.

Hang on a minute, Tom, I'm not done berating Leslie.

It wasn't Leslie's fault.

She was covering for me because I didn't have a hunting license.

I was the one who shot you.

You didn't get a license?

What kind of moron doesn't get a license?

That's reckless endangerment, my son.

That's a 25,000 fine, minimum, and probably jail time.

But she covered for me, and I'm in the clear.

Yeah. That's right.

She kept her mouth shut and now you're in the clear.

-Well, Ron, you know, I couldn't let...

-I know.

You did good.

You're a real stand-up guy.

I'm sorry I lost my temper before.

It was cos I was shot in the head by a moron.

-Yeah.

-Dude, Ron, I'm so sorry.

Apology not accepted, moron.

Pants King!

Pants Queen!

-Hi, Ann.

-Hey.

Mmm! Turkey's great.

-Hey, Ron Swanson!

-Hey!

Ron Swanson!

-Thank you. Thank you, all.

-Welcome back, Ron.

-Oh, hey!

"Welcome back, Ron."

That's terrific. Thanks, you guys.

Let's eat!