Browse content similar to Tom's Divorce. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
Line | From | To | |
---|---|---|---|
-Leslie. -What's up, Ron? -I need you to go up | 0:00:02 | 0:00:03 | |
to the Bureau of Motor Vehicles on the fourth floor. We gotta | 0:00:03 | 0:00:06 | |
talk ourselves out of this late registration fee for the Parks van. | 0:00:06 | 0:00:09 | |
Come on. I don't want to go to the fourth floor. | 0:00:09 | 0:00:11 | |
That is the creepiest place on Earth. | 0:00:11 | 0:00:14 | |
The fourth floor is awful. | 0:00:14 | 0:00:16 | |
The DMV, divorce filings, probation offices. Ugh! | 0:00:16 | 0:00:21 | |
They put a popcorn machine up there just to brighten things up, | 0:00:21 | 0:00:24 | |
but they used the wrong kind of oil, | 0:00:24 | 0:00:26 | |
and a bunch of people had to get their throats replaced. | 0:00:26 | 0:00:28 | |
They'll only talk to you or me, | 0:00:28 | 0:00:30 | |
and I can't go, because I don't want to. | 0:00:30 | 0:00:33 | |
SHE GROANS | 0:00:33 | 0:00:35 | |
GROANS CONTINUE | 0:00:35 | 0:00:37 | |
OK. | 0:00:37 | 0:00:38 | |
RANDOM SHOUTING IN DIFFERENT LANGUAGES | 0:00:41 | 0:00:44 | |
COUGHING | 0:00:46 | 0:00:48 | |
-Hey, boo. You're pretty. -Uh... Thank you, sir. | 0:00:53 | 0:00:56 | |
-WOMAN: Hey, girl. -Are you on probation? | 0:00:56 | 0:00:58 | |
I got clean urine. You need female? I got female. | 0:00:58 | 0:01:00 | |
-I'm good, thank you. -Hey, you clean? I buy, too. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:03 | |
MAN: Order. Order! | 0:01:03 | 0:01:04 | |
Next case. Indiana vs... GAVEL BANGS | 0:01:04 | 0:01:07 | |
HE CACKLES | 0:01:09 | 0:01:10 | |
I know, I'm just telling you. | 0:01:15 | 0:01:17 | |
Tom and Wendy? | 0:01:22 | 0:01:24 | |
-Popcorn? -Ah! | 0:01:24 | 0:01:26 | |
So, Tom, | 0:01:48 | 0:01:49 | |
how's everything in your life, generally? | 0:01:49 | 0:01:53 | |
Amazing. Took a risk. Bought some shoes online. | 0:01:53 | 0:01:56 | |
Paid off handsomely, as you can see. | 0:01:57 | 0:01:59 | |
Uh-huh. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:02 | |
And how are your institutions, | 0:02:02 | 0:02:06 | |
-that you're a part of? -Ah. You heard about my divorce? | 0:02:06 | 0:02:09 | |
I saw you on the fourth floor. I'm so, so sorry. | 0:02:09 | 0:02:13 | |
Honestly, it's fine. | 0:02:13 | 0:02:15 | |
Lasted longer than Avril Lavigne and the guy from Sum 41, am I right? | 0:02:15 | 0:02:19 | |
I don't know what those are. Look, Tom, stop working. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:23 | |
Whoa! Would've been nice to have saved that. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:25 | |
-You should've auto-saved. -Right. -That kind of feels like your fault. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:29 | |
Look, I've heard your voice when she calls you on the phone. | 0:02:29 | 0:02:32 | |
I've seen you look at her ass when she leaves the room. | 0:02:32 | 0:02:34 | |
You love her. | 0:02:34 | 0:02:36 | |
Leslie, I really appreciate what you're trying to do, but I'm fine. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:39 | |
Look, look at my face. Are you watching? | 0:02:39 | 0:02:41 | |
'I did a little research,' | 0:02:43 | 0:02:45 | |
and divorce is the number two most stressful event in a person's life. | 0:02:45 | 0:02:50 | |
Of course, marriage is number seven. So, watch out, everyone. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:56 | |
It's all bad. | 0:02:56 | 0:02:58 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:02:58 | 0:02:59 | |
We have to step up, for Tom's sake. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:02 | |
-I think Tom seems fine. -Well, that is the problem. | 0:03:02 | 0:03:05 | |
Tom always seems like Mr Slickster Cool Guy, | 0:03:05 | 0:03:08 | |
but he's actually hiding his emotions | 0:03:08 | 0:03:10 | |
underneath a very thick layer of Axe body spray. | 0:03:10 | 0:03:12 | |
We have to help him. We are his safe bubble. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:15 | |
She's kind of right. None of his family lives here, | 0:03:15 | 0:03:18 | |
and all of his friends are frat guys and morons. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:20 | |
This seems like none of our business. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:22 | |
Be supportive, OK? | 0:03:22 | 0:03:24 | |
Don't be all, like, "No, I don't want to. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:27 | |
"I am a guy and I like fire and playing hockey and eating meat! | 0:03:27 | 0:03:32 | |
"No, no, says I!" | 0:03:32 | 0:03:36 | |
That was a really good Ron. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:37 | |
Thank you. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:38 | |
-I don't know how to explain... -Hey, Mark. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:41 | |
The shoeshine stand still doesn't have | 0:03:41 | 0:03:43 | |
that syphilis medication you were asking about. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:45 | |
Ann, hey! What a coincidence! | 0:03:46 | 0:03:49 | |
Are you in this office purely for business reasons? | 0:03:49 | 0:03:53 | |
Pleasure, actually. My boyfriend Mark works here. | 0:03:53 | 0:03:57 | |
-He's sitting right next to me. -Hey, Andy. | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
What a surprise, running into you all day, every day, | 0:03:59 | 0:04:02 | |
every single place that we are. | 0:04:02 | 0:04:04 | |
Likewise. Well, I guess I'll see you guys around. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:08 | |
-See ya. -Oh! Uh, also, Mark, again, | 0:04:08 | 0:04:11 | |
we don't have those extra-small condoms you ordered. | 0:04:11 | 0:04:14 | |
I called the factory, it's gonna take a special order. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:17 | |
Not just because of the size, but because of the weird shape as well. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:21 | |
Something they've never dealt with before. We'll talk. | 0:04:21 | 0:04:24 | |
Mark never asked me for any small, weirdly-shaped condoms. | 0:04:24 | 0:04:27 | |
I made that up. | 0:04:27 | 0:04:29 | |
Every day, I subtly chip away at their relationship. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:32 | |
Weakening it, little by little. | 0:04:32 | 0:04:34 | |
Whe-eigh-eigh-re's Tom Haverford? | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
-For -BLEEP -sake! | 0:04:43 | 0:04:45 | |
# So, ya had a divorce Of course, of course | 0:04:45 | 0:04:48 | |
# And no-one enjoys a divorce, of course! # | 0:04:48 | 0:04:51 | |
I don't know what to do, man. | 0:04:51 | 0:04:52 | |
I can't be like, "Hey, Leslie, it's a green card marriage, I'm fine." | 0:04:52 | 0:04:55 | |
You know, Leslie just thinks you're a wounded animal, | 0:04:55 | 0:04:58 | |
so her female instincts are kicking in. Here's what you do. | 0:04:58 | 0:05:01 | |
Act sad, let her pull the thorn out of your paw | 0:05:01 | 0:05:04 | |
and wrap a bandage around it. | 0:05:04 | 0:05:06 | |
That'll make her feel better. She'll get off your jock. | 0:05:06 | 0:05:09 | |
You still can't tell anyone about the green card thing. | 0:05:09 | 0:05:11 | |
Apparently you can get in trouble even after a divorce. | 0:05:11 | 0:05:14 | |
Damn the man. Well, hey, your secret's safe with me. | 0:05:14 | 0:05:17 | |
Thanks, Rondoleezza Rice. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:19 | |
OK, everyone. The rumours are true. Wendy and I are splitting up. | 0:05:19 | 0:05:23 | |
Yeah, I'm really hurt. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:24 | |
I'm so sorry you feel that way, little friend. | 0:05:24 | 0:05:27 | |
Why don't we go out tonight, hit the town after work, huh? | 0:05:27 | 0:05:30 | |
We'll make it Tom's night. You can go anywhere you want, our treat. | 0:05:30 | 0:05:34 | |
Oh, I know there's a really fun documentary | 0:05:34 | 0:05:36 | |
about tandem bicycles at the art house. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:39 | |
It's supposed to be pretty unapologetic. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:41 | |
-Or we could go to a restaurant... -Strip club? | 0:05:41 | 0:05:43 | |
Did somebody say strip club? | 0:05:43 | 0:05:45 | |
-No... -Did somebody say strip club? | 0:05:45 | 0:05:47 | |
-You did. -I definitely heard someone say strip club. | 0:05:47 | 0:05:49 | |
-You just did. -Would the Glitter Factory be OK | 0:05:49 | 0:05:51 | |
with whoever suggested strip club? | 0:05:51 | 0:05:53 | |
I don't think that's a good idea, Tom. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:55 | |
There is a great dinosaur-themed restaurant | 0:05:55 | 0:05:57 | |
in Patterson. It is called Jurassic Fork. | 0:05:57 | 0:06:00 | |
SHE LAUGHS | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
I have gone there three times a week for the last 15 years. | 0:06:02 | 0:06:04 | |
Ooh! Dinosaurs, huh? | 0:06:04 | 0:06:07 | |
All right. Sounds OK. | 0:06:07 | 0:06:08 | |
OK! It's gonna be a crazy night, guys! | 0:06:08 | 0:06:10 | |
I will see you at Jurassic Fork at 5:45pm. | 0:06:10 | 0:06:13 | |
-JERRY: -Yes. | 0:06:13 | 0:06:15 | |
Hi. Welcome to Jurassic Fork, where the only thing that'll be extinct | 0:06:15 | 0:06:19 | |
-is your appetite. -JERRY GIGGLES | 0:06:19 | 0:06:21 | |
-You ready to order? -Yes. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:23 | |
I will have the Jamaican Jerk Chicken Veloci-Wrap. | 0:06:23 | 0:06:26 | |
I'm gonna get the Tricera-chops, please. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:28 | |
How do you want that cooked? | 0:06:28 | 0:06:30 | |
Medium roar. | 0:06:30 | 0:06:32 | |
-Medium rare? -No, medium roar. | 0:06:33 | 0:06:36 | |
For legal reasons, we're not allowed to make puns | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
about the temperature of the meats any more. | 0:06:38 | 0:06:40 | |
I'll have the surf-and-turf-a-saurus, | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
and a couple of bottles of wine. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:45 | |
I'm gonna need a lot of wine, so keep it flowing. | 0:06:45 | 0:06:48 | |
I'm not gonna be drinking anything. | 0:06:48 | 0:06:49 | |
Just wanted everybody to know that. | 0:06:49 | 0:06:51 | |
I'm not a big fan of group dinners where everybody splits the bill | 0:06:51 | 0:06:54 | |
no matter what they get. | 0:06:54 | 0:06:56 | |
I ordered a Tyranna-Caesar salad, and that's all I'm paying for. | 0:06:56 | 0:07:00 | |
Hey, check it out. They got pool. | 0:07:01 | 0:07:04 | |
Mark, you want to play a quick game? | 0:07:05 | 0:07:07 | |
Finally settle that debate about who's the better pool player? | 0:07:07 | 0:07:10 | |
I've never had that debate with anyone, Andy. | 0:07:10 | 0:07:12 | |
Come on, we'll put a little money on it. | 0:07:12 | 0:07:13 | |
-Make it a little more interesting. -Andy, please. -No. | 0:07:13 | 0:07:16 | |
I just figured because pool is all about angles | 0:07:16 | 0:07:18 | |
and he's a failed architect that he might want to play pool. | 0:07:18 | 0:07:20 | |
-Let's do it. -Really? That worked? | 0:07:20 | 0:07:23 | |
How to hustle somebody in pool, by Andy Dwyer. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:26 | |
Step one, find the person you want to hustle. Invite them to play pool. | 0:07:26 | 0:07:29 | |
Should they accept, you're in. | 0:07:29 | 0:07:32 | |
Here's what I think we should do. Everyone should go around | 0:07:32 | 0:07:35 | |
-and say one thing that they love about Tom. -I'll start. | 0:07:35 | 0:07:38 | |
-I really wish I could have your body. -What? | 0:07:38 | 0:07:41 | |
Ew! Like, tied up, naked, in your basement? | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
No, no. I mean, you're in good shape and you can eat whatever you want. | 0:07:44 | 0:07:47 | |
Well, that was weird, Jerry. | 0:07:47 | 0:07:49 | |
-Ann, you go ahead. -I think Tom is really nice. | 0:07:49 | 0:07:52 | |
Also, if you want to give me your credit cards, | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
-I'll divide it up, I don't mind. -Don't worry about it. | 0:07:54 | 0:07:56 | |
The restaurant will just divide it evenly. | 0:07:56 | 0:07:58 | |
Just enjoy yourself. April, go ahead. | 0:07:58 | 0:08:01 | |
Tom is the only cool person in the office. | 0:08:01 | 0:08:03 | |
Ridiculous. Donna? | 0:08:04 | 0:08:06 | |
I love you, Tom. You're my little prince. | 0:08:06 | 0:08:09 | |
I just want to put you in a little cape and a little hat | 0:08:09 | 0:08:12 | |
and just fly you around. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:14 | |
Thank you, Donna. Hey, garcon. | 0:08:14 | 0:08:17 | |
I'm still feeling pretty sad. Can I get two creme brulees | 0:08:17 | 0:08:21 | |
and another glass of bronto grigio? | 0:08:21 | 0:08:24 | |
'I thought I had Tom all figured out,' | 0:08:24 | 0:08:26 | |
but it's almost like he's faking being sad. | 0:08:26 | 0:08:29 | |
Why would he do that? | 0:08:29 | 0:08:31 | |
And that's game. I think you now owe me 25. | 0:08:33 | 0:08:37 | |
Shoot. Someone had a pool table growing up, huh? | 0:08:37 | 0:08:40 | |
Hey, no, no. What do you say we play again? | 0:08:40 | 0:08:43 | |
We'll make it more interesting. Go double or nothing? | 0:08:43 | 0:08:45 | |
Why not? | 0:08:45 | 0:08:47 | |
'Step two.' | 0:08:47 | 0:08:48 | |
Lose to your opponent intentionally so they gain confidence. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:52 | |
Step two has been completed easily. | 0:08:52 | 0:08:55 | |
Very easily. Mark is pretty good at pool. | 0:08:55 | 0:09:00 | |
So, how are you feeling, Tom? Are you feeling OK? | 0:09:00 | 0:09:04 | |
I like pretending to be sad. I now see why girls do it. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:07 | |
So, your arrangement with Wendy, it really was completely platonic? | 0:09:07 | 0:09:12 | |
Yeah. Never so much as even kissed, | 0:09:12 | 0:09:14 | |
except for a little peck at the wedding ceremony for appearances. | 0:09:14 | 0:09:17 | |
Uh, now that you're getting divorced, | 0:09:17 | 0:09:20 | |
I sort of feel like there may be some potential with me and Wendy. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:25 | |
Would it be OK with you if I was to ask her out, | 0:09:25 | 0:09:28 | |
once the fake dust settles? | 0:09:28 | 0:09:31 | |
Yeah, why not? Sure. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:34 | |
Looking at her, I feel like | 0:09:34 | 0:09:37 | |
she might be the perfect spooning size for me. | 0:09:37 | 0:09:40 | |
I'm gonna take a leak. | 0:09:40 | 0:09:42 | |
ANDY COUGHS | 0:09:46 | 0:09:48 | |
Oh! That would be 6,400. | 0:09:48 | 0:09:52 | |
-Oh! -I accept cheques and most major credit cards. | 0:09:52 | 0:09:55 | |
Yeah! 'Mark is way better than me.' | 0:09:55 | 0:09:58 | |
I'm gonna... I'm gonna say that there is at least a chance | 0:09:58 | 0:10:03 | |
that I didn't think this through completely. | 0:10:03 | 0:10:07 | |
-I think I'm done, Andy. -OK. Forget money. | 0:10:07 | 0:10:10 | |
-We'll play for something else. -You have nothing else to give me. | 0:10:10 | 0:10:14 | |
I have a T-shirt I tackled Eddie Vedder in. It's literally priceless. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:18 | |
OK, how about this? If you win, you don't owe me any money, | 0:10:18 | 0:10:21 | |
but if I win, you have to stop bugging me and Ann. | 0:10:21 | 0:10:23 | |
-What are you talking about? -No more comments, | 0:10:23 | 0:10:25 | |
or showing up when we're together. You have to leave us alone. | 0:10:25 | 0:10:28 | |
That doesn't seem like a very fair bet, Mark. | 0:10:28 | 0:10:32 | |
So, if I win, I also get Ann. | 0:10:32 | 0:10:36 | |
OK, fine. If you win, then you get Ann. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:40 | |
-Rack them up! -Somebody punch someone! | 0:10:40 | 0:10:43 | |
So, how you doing, buddy? Want some steak? Champagne? | 0:10:43 | 0:10:48 | |
Think of something extravagant and we'll get it for you. | 0:10:48 | 0:10:50 | |
What do you want? A cheese fountain? A ruby? | 0:10:50 | 0:10:52 | |
A goose heart? | 0:10:52 | 0:10:55 | |
How about a marriage? How about a non-divorce? | 0:10:55 | 0:10:58 | |
Tom, I'm sorry. Maybe you guys just need some time apart, | 0:10:58 | 0:11:01 | |
you know, to remember how much you care about each other. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:03 | |
Leslie, think about it. Does our marriage really make sense to you? | 0:11:03 | 0:11:06 | |
She's a tall, beautiful surgeon. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:09 | |
I'm a short, beautiful government employee/club promoter. | 0:11:09 | 0:11:13 | |
You're a club promoter? | 0:11:13 | 0:11:15 | |
Aspiring. | 0:11:15 | 0:11:17 | |
The point is, I never meant anything to her. | 0:11:17 | 0:11:20 | |
It wasn't even a real marriage. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:22 | |
Now, the sadness is pouring out of Tom, | 0:11:22 | 0:11:25 | |
like blood from a pterodactyl after it's attacked by a T-Rex. | 0:11:25 | 0:11:29 | |
I have to take him to a place where he can't possibly be sad. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:32 | |
Oh, crap. | 0:11:35 | 0:11:38 | |
-We are going to the Glitter Factory. -What? | 0:11:38 | 0:11:39 | |
Not me. I can't go back there. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:42 | |
But if you see Jasmine, tell her she can keep Anthony, | 0:11:42 | 0:11:44 | |
but I want my microwave back. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:47 | |
OK, good. You're gonna take April home. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:49 | |
No, I want to go to the Glitter Factory. | 0:11:49 | 0:11:51 | |
Well, drop out of school and start doing meth. Let's go, everybody. | 0:11:51 | 0:11:55 | |
Leslie, I appreciate what you're trying to do, | 0:11:56 | 0:11:58 | |
but once you go in there, you will see things you cannot un-see. | 0:11:58 | 0:12:02 | |
I'm a feminist, OK? I would never, ever go to a strip club. | 0:12:02 | 0:12:04 | |
I've gone on record that if I had to have a stripper's name, | 0:12:04 | 0:12:07 | |
it would be "Equality." | 0:12:07 | 0:12:09 | |
But I'm willing to sacrifice all that I've worked for | 0:12:09 | 0:12:11 | |
just to put a smile on your perverted little face. | 0:12:11 | 0:12:13 | |
-So don't blow this. -All right. | 0:12:13 | 0:12:15 | |
OK! Lap dances are on me. I mean, I'm paying for them. | 0:12:15 | 0:12:18 | |
-They're not gonna actually be on me. -Got it. | 0:12:18 | 0:12:21 | |
I kind of feel like Jane Goodall studying the chimps, you know? | 0:12:21 | 0:12:24 | |
Cos there are some feminist scholars | 0:12:24 | 0:12:25 | |
who say that stripping is a feminist act. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:28 | |
# Oh, yeah! She's my cherry pie! Put a smile on your face... # | 0:12:28 | 0:12:33 | |
There is a girl here that also works at Quiznos. | 0:12:35 | 0:12:38 | |
She's really nice to me here, but really mean to me at Quiznos. | 0:12:38 | 0:12:41 | |
OK, Tom, go put these in places I do not approve of. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:46 | |
Leslie, I'm gonna put these in places you've never heard of. | 0:12:46 | 0:12:50 | |
Yeah, I've been a little down. | 0:12:50 | 0:12:52 | |
Totally natural. I'm getting divorced. | 0:12:52 | 0:12:54 | |
But now, I'm ready to pull myself up by some g-strings. | 0:12:54 | 0:12:58 | |
God! It is rough in here. Is it always like this? | 0:12:58 | 0:13:01 | |
I wouldn't know. Don't like strip clubs. | 0:13:01 | 0:13:04 | |
Smells like a wet mop in here. | 0:13:04 | 0:13:06 | |
And I get the feeling that | 0:13:06 | 0:13:07 | |
every one of these women is running a low-grade fever. | 0:13:07 | 0:13:09 | |
You're one of the good ones, Ron. | 0:13:09 | 0:13:11 | |
Wait a minute. | 0:13:11 | 0:13:14 | |
Hello, beautiful. | 0:13:14 | 0:13:16 | |
Strippers do nothing for me. I like a strong, salt-of-the-earth, | 0:13:17 | 0:13:21 | |
self-possessed woman at the top of her field. | 0:13:21 | 0:13:23 | |
Your Steffi Grafs, your Sheryl Swoopeses. | 0:13:23 | 0:13:26 | |
But I will take a free breakfast buffet any time, any place. | 0:13:26 | 0:13:31 | |
Tomcat, pull up a mouth. This buffet is unstoppable. | 0:13:38 | 0:13:42 | |
Yeah, I'm not hungry. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:44 | |
By the way, you're doing a bang-up job of looking sad about Wendy. | 0:13:44 | 0:13:48 | |
Does she make scrambled eggs? | 0:13:48 | 0:13:50 | |
-No. -Take it down a notch. | 0:13:52 | 0:13:54 | |
You already won your Oscar, DiCaprio. | 0:13:54 | 0:13:58 | |
MAN: Coming on stage next is Angel. Angel! | 0:13:58 | 0:14:00 | |
Ann, in case I don't sink this, it's been a real pleasure dating you. | 0:14:01 | 0:14:06 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:14:07 | 0:14:09 | |
Scratch on the eight! | 0:14:10 | 0:14:12 | |
Ah-ha! Ha! | 0:14:12 | 0:14:14 | |
I'm victorious. I am awesome at pool and I hustled your ass. | 0:14:15 | 0:14:20 | |
Ann, take a moment to say goodbye. | 0:14:20 | 0:14:23 | |
I don't even know how to say this. I am so sorry, | 0:14:24 | 0:14:27 | |
and I will do my best to visit you on holidays. | 0:14:27 | 0:14:30 | |
-Thanks, you tried. -I guess you're his now. | 0:14:30 | 0:14:32 | |
-Do you want to get out of here? -I do. -OK. -Yeah. | 0:14:32 | 0:14:35 | |
Bye, Andy. | 0:14:35 | 0:14:36 | |
I know that, legally, Ann is now mine, | 0:14:36 | 0:14:41 | |
but it weirdly doesn't feel that way. | 0:14:41 | 0:14:46 | |
-All right, Tom! This is Seabiscuit. -Sierra. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:50 | |
Sierra. Sorry. It's loud in here. | 0:14:50 | 0:14:52 | |
And, um, I gave her money to writhe around on your parts. | 0:14:52 | 0:14:55 | |
-Leslie, I don't want to do that. -Well, I already paid her. | 0:14:55 | 0:14:58 | |
-Can I get my money back? -No. -OK, so let her do her writhing. | 0:14:58 | 0:15:01 | |
-All right. -I just gotta say, Sierra. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:03 | |
I really don't get why this cheers men up, | 0:15:03 | 0:15:05 | |
because it's very insincere and it's very fleeting. | 0:15:05 | 0:15:07 | |
But go crazy, OK? Give my friend here the works. | 0:15:07 | 0:15:10 | |
-Really grind the sorrow out of him. -You got it. -And then, afterwards, | 0:15:10 | 0:15:12 | |
maybe reconsider your profession, but for now, grind away. | 0:15:12 | 0:15:15 | |
Whoo! | 0:15:19 | 0:15:21 | |
Stripper dancing action! | 0:15:21 | 0:15:23 | |
This isn't working. I don't want to do this. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:27 | |
Is it because you have a strong, positive female figure watching you? | 0:15:27 | 0:15:30 | |
No. It's because I'm miserable. | 0:15:30 | 0:15:32 | |
OK. Never mind. Thank you, Seabiscuit. That'll be all. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:35 | |
MAN: All Glitter Factory, girls, please come backstage. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:39 | |
Tom. | 0:15:39 | 0:15:40 | |
I don't know what's wrong with me. | 0:15:40 | 0:15:42 | |
This is honestly the saddest I've ever been. | 0:15:42 | 0:15:45 | |
MAN: Glitter Bomb! | 0:15:45 | 0:15:47 | |
LOUD BANG, ALARM WHOOPS | 0:15:47 | 0:15:50 | |
Ah! | 0:15:54 | 0:15:56 | |
I've been to the Glitter Factory a million times. | 0:15:56 | 0:16:00 | |
That girl up there, she's my emergency contact. | 0:16:00 | 0:16:04 | |
But right now, I hate it here, and I just want to see Wendy. | 0:16:04 | 0:16:09 | |
Tom, it's perfectly normal to feel devastated when something's over. | 0:16:09 | 0:16:13 | |
It's exactly how I felt when that Planet Earth series ended. | 0:16:13 | 0:16:16 | |
60 days. And then she's free to marry Ron Swanson. | 0:16:16 | 0:16:20 | |
What? Ron? | 0:16:20 | 0:16:22 | |
He's gonna ask her out. He told me. | 0:16:22 | 0:16:24 | |
But who cares? If it's not him, it'll just be some other guy. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:28 | |
Swanson! Did you tell Tom that you were gonna ask out Wendy? | 0:16:31 | 0:16:35 | |
It's complicated. | 0:16:35 | 0:16:37 | |
What is wrong with you? | 0:16:37 | 0:16:38 | |
I wish I wasn't alive to hear myself say this, | 0:16:38 | 0:16:41 | |
but I am ashamed to be your deputy. | 0:16:41 | 0:16:44 | |
I don't get men. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:46 | |
If they're not wagering their girlfriends in pool, | 0:16:46 | 0:16:48 | |
then they're trying to steal each other's wives. | 0:16:48 | 0:16:50 | |
It makes you question the whole notion of those bromance movies. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:54 | |
Tom. | 0:16:54 | 0:16:56 | |
Great! Good, OK. Could you carry him out of here, please? | 0:16:57 | 0:17:01 | |
And, you know, also maybe not have sex with his wife? Thanks. | 0:17:01 | 0:17:04 | |
-From the knees. -He weighs eight pounds. | 0:17:06 | 0:17:09 | |
Oh! Oh. Oh, boy. | 0:17:11 | 0:17:13 | |
Hi, Wendy. We took Tom out tonight, | 0:17:13 | 0:17:15 | |
and he had a little bit too much to drink. | 0:17:15 | 0:17:17 | |
Oh! | 0:17:17 | 0:17:19 | |
OK, um... Come on in. | 0:17:19 | 0:17:22 | |
Oh, my God. You insensitive little hussy. | 0:17:24 | 0:17:28 | |
-Excuse me? -Leslie, whoa. Halt. | 0:17:28 | 0:17:32 | |
You're not even divorced yet and you're inviting other men over? | 0:17:32 | 0:17:35 | |
-You were married? -Uh... Technically. Yeah, that's... | 0:17:35 | 0:17:39 | |
That's my husband. | 0:17:39 | 0:17:41 | |
-Who's he carrying? -No. No, that's his... That's his boss. | 0:17:41 | 0:17:44 | |
My husband's the one that's being carried by his boss. | 0:17:44 | 0:17:48 | |
-How's it going? -Good. | 0:17:48 | 0:17:50 | |
You know what, Wendy? You and Ron will be perfect for each other. | 0:17:50 | 0:17:53 | |
You two should get married | 0:17:53 | 0:17:55 | |
and start a club for people who betray Tom Haverford. | 0:17:55 | 0:17:58 | |
You have a lovely home. | 0:18:00 | 0:18:01 | |
DOOR SLAMS | 0:18:03 | 0:18:04 | |
So, where do you want this? | 0:18:04 | 0:18:07 | |
So, how you feeling? Rough morning? | 0:18:07 | 0:18:10 | |
-You know those hangover pills you can order on TV? -Mmm. | 0:18:10 | 0:18:13 | |
I threw up a bunch of them this morning. I feel much better. | 0:18:13 | 0:18:16 | |
I know last night was really rough, | 0:18:16 | 0:18:17 | |
but all I want for you is to be able to get over this. | 0:18:17 | 0:18:20 | |
Leslie, I need to tell you something. | 0:18:20 | 0:18:22 | |
OK. | 0:18:22 | 0:18:23 | |
Uh... The reason I was acting weird yesterday | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
was Wendy and I have a green card marriage. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:28 | |
Oh, my God, because you're a Libyan! | 0:18:29 | 0:18:32 | |
No. Damn it. Wendy's from Canada. | 0:18:32 | 0:18:34 | |
Oh! Oh. OK. | 0:18:34 | 0:18:36 | |
Wait. Start again. | 0:18:36 | 0:18:38 | |
Um...this... KNOCK ON DOOR | 0:18:38 | 0:18:42 | |
Hey, Ann. Mark. You guys got a second? It's about last night. | 0:18:42 | 0:18:46 | |
I hope I'm not gonna have to explain to you | 0:18:46 | 0:18:48 | |
that you don't actually own me. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:49 | |
Of course not. I never for one second thought that was for real. | 0:18:49 | 0:18:53 | |
Look, you don't have to worry about me bothering you any more. | 0:18:53 | 0:18:58 | |
You clearly have something going, and I should respect that. | 0:18:58 | 0:19:02 | |
OK. If you say "psych" right now, I'm gonna be really pissed. | 0:19:02 | 0:19:06 | |
You remembered how much I like to say "psych." | 0:19:06 | 0:19:10 | |
But no, no. This is no psych. | 0:19:10 | 0:19:13 | |
Andy, thank you for saying all that just now. | 0:19:13 | 0:19:16 | |
Sure. | 0:19:16 | 0:19:17 | |
Goodbye, A-Cakes. Hello, Ann. | 0:19:17 | 0:19:22 | |
Goodbye, Ann. | 0:19:22 | 0:19:25 | |
Goodbye, Andy. | 0:19:25 | 0:19:26 | |
Oh, oh. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:28 | |
I thought for a second you were gonna chase after me right there, | 0:19:32 | 0:19:35 | |
but you didn't, and that's OK. I meant every word I said. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:38 | |
Aw, you like your wife? That's a bummer. | 0:19:39 | 0:19:43 | |
Does anyone else know that you like your wife? | 0:19:43 | 0:19:45 | |
Does your wife know that you like your wife? | 0:19:45 | 0:19:47 | |
I didn't know until yesterday. | 0:19:47 | 0:19:49 | |
So don't tell anyone. Don't tell Ron. It's my problem. | 0:19:49 | 0:19:52 | |
How could there possibly still be glitter on me? | 0:19:54 | 0:19:57 | |
It takes forever to get off. My crotch looks like a disco ball. | 0:19:57 | 0:20:01 | |
< GALLOPING FOOTSTEPS APPROACH | 0:20:04 | 0:20:07 | |
# Leslie's...sorry She called you selfish, of course | 0:20:13 | 0:20:17 | |
# She just didn't know the full story, of course | 0:20:17 | 0:20:19 | |
# But now that she does She's sorry, of course | 0:20:19 | 0:20:23 | |
# She loves being your deputy! # | 0:20:23 | 0:20:25 |