Park Safety Parks and Recreation

Time for the hummingbird lottery! ALL GROAN

OK. You know how it works. Write your name down on a piece of paper.

'They don't win a hummingbird.'

I installed hummingbird feeders in all the parks,

so the winner gets to refill those feeders.

Scientifically, hummingbirds are the world's cutest animals.

I mean, they're so small. And they have tiny beaks.

And they only eat sugar water. I mean, what beats that?

Come on. Baby monkeys in diapers?

Yeah. They do.

Baby monkeys in diapers are the cutest.

OK. Who's it going to be?

-Not me.

-Not me.

-Not me. Not me...

-Jerry.

-Yeah!

You can stop by tomorrow morning before work.

-This is my third time in a row.

-Just a bad luck streak, buddy.

Next time, I'm sure it will definitely be one of us.

But it won't be me. Because I always write...

Yeah.

Yep.

No, I always write my own name.

But just to be safe, I do add 20 extra Jerrys.

We are kicking off the Children's Concert Series this weekend

with a performance by Freddy Spaghetti.

I thought Freddy Spaghetti OD'd.

No. That's Mr Funny Noodle. And he didn't OD, his drummer shot him.

-Oh.

-Where is Jerry, by the way? Why isn't he back?

How long does it take to fill feeders?

Maybe he fell into the toilet. Remember when he did that?

"Oh, sorry, guys. Sorry I'm late.

"I got confused and took a shower,

"after I got dressed, because I'm Jerry."

David Meyers, the Jewish guy who works at City Hall,

once told me something.

A "schlemiel" is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party.

A "schlimazel" is the guy he spills it on.

Jerry is both the "schlemiel" and the "schlimazel" of our office.

"And then I put my underwear on my head instead of my butt."

THEY ALL LAUGH

OK. OK, guys. That's enough.

Unless somebody has another good one.

PHONE RINGS

Oh.

Hi, Ann.

Oh, no.

Jerry. Jerry, are you OK? Ann, is Jerry OK?

What's wrong with your arm? Ann, tell me what's wrong.

-Jerry, talk to me. Ann, get Jerry to talk to me.

-OK. He's OK.

He's got a couple of scrapes and a dislocated shoulder.

-Oh!

-What happened?

You guys are just going to laugh.

Why? Did you throw out your shoulder swinging a honey pot off your hand?

-I was mugged.

-Oh.

Oh, my God. Oh, I'm so sorry, Jerry.

I was on my way to the hummingbird feeders, walking Lord Sheldon.

Ew! Is that code for some kind of weird sex act?

Lord Sheldon is my dog. My wife named him.

-Ew.

-Anyway, these kids, they came out of nowhere,

they pinned my arm back, they grabbed my wallet,

-and they knocked me to the ground.

-How did you counter-attack?

Fist to the throat? Did you hit him in the beanbag?

There's no shame in attacking a criminal's beanbag.

No, I just curled up and laid still until they left.

Well, that's another way to play it.

Did any of them have weird tattoos or scars or anything?

If even one of them had a unique scar, we got them.

I didn't get a good look.

Damn it, Jerry!

Sorry. You're the victim. Sorry. Sorry.

I feel like we're responsible for this.

Why? We didn't mug Jerry.

Well, why was he in the park in the first place?

We tricked him into going. I don't see the connection.

I don't know. This is on us. It's karma.

Wouldn't it be karma if WE got mugged?

That's how pathetic Jerry is. He can't even get karma right.

THEY ALL LAUGH

No, that's not funny.

Our friend got mugged this morning.

-We will not let that happen in vain.

-He doesn't have a black eye.

Well, frankly, the whole department has a black eye.

This is our wake-up call, guys.

Jerry's face is the symbol of failure.

APRIL SNIGGERS

Our failure to keep the parks safe.

I have some folders. Inside are some assignments.

And some homemade taffy.

-Mmm.

-Mmm-hmm.

April, I want you to check in with our police liaison.

Donna, I need you to go to Ramsett Park. Tom, you're with me.

So, when you say that you want me to check in with the police liaison,

you mean hook up with him, right?

No. Just check in with him. Everybody dismissed.

Wait. I want to help.

What?

I'm going to teach everybody self-defence,

so you can defend yourselves.

We need it. Because we certainly are a bunch of weaklings.

-Especially Tom.

-I am not a weakling.

-Arm wrestle me right now.

-OK.

I think I'm more than holding my own here...

Three, four, five...

Hey.

Six. Hey! How you doing?

Not too bad. I was just dropping off Jerry from the hospital.

He was mugged in the park.

No. Jerry?

The black guy with the Looney Tunes ties? I love him.

No. Jerry who works with Leslie.

-HE LAUGHS That Jerry?!

-Yeah.

He got mugged? Ha-ha-ha!

Oh. Well, I mean, that's kind of a bummer, too.

Hey, while I have you here, what do you think of this?

Uh...

Scrotation Marks.

I don't know what you're talking about, but my gut says no.

New band name.

Because Mouse Rat, it's a great name,

but at the same time, it sucks.

I think we have to change it just one more time...

Dude, you've got to stop doing that.

How will people become fans if they literally don't know

the name of the band they're listening to?

That is a really good point.

I always had fun with Andy.

The problem is, when you're his girlfriend, you're also his mother,

and his maid and his nurse.

He's completely helpless.

He's like a baby in a straightjacket.

Ooh! Baby In A Straightjacket. That's a good band name.

I should tell him that.

Ha-ha, guys. Really funny. Where's the real banner?

We only had an hour.

So did I. Look what I did.

-Hey, guys.

-Jerry!

-Welcome back.

-ALL CHEER

My gosh, you should not have gone to all this trouble.

Oh... It's no trouble for our buddy. Here you go.

Listen. Today is Jerry Day. We'll do whatever you want to do.

-Anything at all.

-Honestly, what I would like to do

is just have everything go back to normal.

-That sounds good to me.

-OK.

I believe you were going to do a presentation.

-Yes, sir, I was. I will go set up.

-OK.

Remember, you guys. No jokes. No comments. Nothing but support.

He needs a lot of support.

Tom...

Talking about a bra for a man.

LESLIE GIGGLES

OK, seriously. That was the last one.

So, as we know, Spring Hunting Season is upon us.

Uh, anyway, here's the info about the new licensing system.

Um...

Jerry? I don't... I don't think your computer is plugged in.

I'm sorry, guys. Just got to power up.

First thing we should have is my graph about the season. What?!

Wait a minute. No. That is not the graph.

That's a picture from my vacation to Muncie.

You went on a vacation and you chose Muncie, Indiana?

Yeah. My wife and I have a time-share.

-In Muncie?!

-Tom, Muncie is a lovely city.

Anyway, Hunting and Fishing Season is winding down. OK?

And we all know that it's already closed season on twout. So, now...

I said twout instead of trout.

It happens to everyone.

My marbles are full of mouth today.

You know what? Has anybody seen my glasses?

I don't even think I can...

RIPPING, FARTING

It says here "1:00 meeting." Who are we meeting with?

-Don't worry about it.

-Oh, no. Please, no.

Tom, it's important to meet with the Park Rangers.

They are the first line of defence.

-SHOUTING THROUGHOUT:

-Leslie Knope!

-Hey, Carl.

-What's up, pencil pushers?

-Haverford. Good to see you, man.

-HE LAUGHS

Is it hot in here? I feel hot. Are you guys hot?

How you guys doing? I'm good. You guys got any snacks?

Carl is the head of all outdoor security.

Why was he transferred from his indoor desk job, you ask?

Listen.

Hey, Leslie. Have you seen Avatar? I never saw Avatar.

I wanted to read the book first,

but then I realised there's no book version of Avatar.

What did you guys do for St Patty's Day?

I was wearing this t-shirt that said "Kiss me, I'm Irish."

But no-one would kiss me.

So! You're too important for me until one of your own gets attacked.

I just feel like there's more we can do to keep the parks safe.

Oh, you think you know how to do my job?

Well, you might not be so confident

once you've walked a mile in my size sevens.

Kind of small feet.

-Actually, seven is the worldwide average.

-Boom!

Welcome to the emergency self-defence class.

I'll be showing you how to escape from a variety of situations,

while inflicting maximum damage on your attackers.

Ron, do you think that maybe I should put Mark in a headlock?

That way, I can show everyone how to escape a pervert?

In the scenario you just laid out, you're the pervert.

You understand that, right?

-You wish.

-Enough.

I'm going to start off simple, and demonstrate

how to extract oneself from a wrist grab.

Andy. Ann. Step up here.

'I watch a lot of Lifetime movies. There was this one,'

How Far is Too Far Enough: The Teri Palliber Lonergan Story.

This woman had agoraphobia and her therapist was obsessed with her,

and he hid in her house.

And then he attacked her and tried to eat her toes.

Also, her daughter was having sex way too young.

So, yeah. Free self-defence class? I'm there.

-And then just twist away...

-Arrrrggh!

Very good. Very good. Well done.

Oh! What's up now, mugger?

Ann, that was awesome. That was really good.

I don't know, Leslie. I'd rather be back at the office.

I know this is painful for you, Jerry, but you have to be strong.

You guys ready?

Oh, boy. Yeah, OK. We're ready.

I'm going to show you guys all the problems we've been facing.

Show you that we've been doing everything we can.

I'm looking forward to working together, Carl.

And after that, I'm going to show you this log I found.

It's got, like, 50 worms on it. I call it Worm Log.

Yeah, I've always been a bit of an outdoorsman.

When I was a kid, my parents used to make me hang out in the backyard

and just run around until I got tired.

But if there's any criminals out there watching, I never get tired.

And ladies, too.

This thing is a mess.

We used to have three carts, actually.

The first one got pushed into the creek by some kids.

The second one, raccoons got onto. There was urine everywhere.

And the third one was recently stolen.

-What's this one?

-This is the second one.

The raccoon piss one.

All right. So we're going to just head out.

Oh, no. You know what? I think we've got too much weight.

Oh. That's Tom, probably.

Are you serious?

Tom, can you get off, please?

Just run alongside the cart, OK?

OK. Here we go.

Whoa!

So, I want to tell you a little bit about the park.

Up here on the left is one of our most beautiful grass fields.

It's primarily grass. All right, I'm going to make a hard left here.

Stick with us, Tom.

OK. Lesson learned. Thank you. Next. Andy.

Impressive. I'm going to engage Andy in an attack hold,

and he's going to try and break free.

Cool. Now, I don't want to hurt you, Ron.

Don't worry about that. Just try to escape my attack.

Now, when I get out, am I allowed to counter-strike?

Sure. WHEN you get out, you may counter-attack.

But just promise me you'll be ready,

because, I mean, I don't want to destroy you.

Oh...OK. I see where we're going with this...

Now, when your arms are pinned to your sides,

use your legs to break free,

instead of your neck, which is what Andy is trying to do.

OK, hold up. Get off!

Let him go.

Andy...

-Oh, God.

-Oops.

Any of this looking familiar?

Yeah. It happened right over there.

Oh, yeah. I'm not surprised. Take a look at this path.

With budget cuts, we can't afford a single safety light.

-There's been 10 assaults already this year.

-Wow. Really?

Can't you station a Park Ranger out here?

We have! Who do you think they're assaulting?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell.

One way or another, I'm going to get money so you can protect Jerry,

and all the other helpless, pathetic people in this town.

You guys have got to slow down.

-Can I just take a rest for a minute?

-No, Tom. Sorry. No can do.

-Sun's going down and it's real dangerous out here. Let's roll, Carl.

-OK. Going fast.

OK, what day is it today?

I don't know.

-OK, but to be fair, you never know.

-That's kind of true.

I'm super bad at days. But honestly, I'm fine.

Sorry I squeezed your lights out there, son.

No worries. Will you show me how to do that move, though?

-Sure. I can teach you right now...

-No, no, no.

Andy, you should really just take it easy, I think.

Do you want some more water? Or maybe some pancakes?

No. No, I'm fine. Thank you.

-What's the first move in any fight?

-Punch to the balls.

We've all heard the old saying.

"Parks are supposed to be fun."

But sometimes, muggers have their own ideas.

Leslie Knope is with us again from the Parks Department.

Leslie, tell us your story.

This is my co-worker, Jerry Gergich.

Diabetic. Sloppily out of shape. Friend.

He was mugged this morning in Ramsett Park.

Who's next? Your frumpy uncle? Your simple neighbour?

Your unpopular co-worker?

Head of security, Carl Lorthner,

is doing his best to keep the parks safe,

but he's failing.

So, what is the solution to fix this?

To make it right. And not bad.

We need money from City Hall. And it's not coming through.

And Pawnee, I am sorry to say this,

but your government is failing you.

Up next, 10 objects you didn't know you can eat!

What possessed you to do that?

I'm sorry, Paul, but one of my guys got mugged in the park.

I don't care how upset you are.

You do not badmouth your own government on TV.

I'm sure you'll be happy to know your little stunt worked.

The Mayor is going to divert 2,500 to the Parks for security upgrades.

There's be an announcement tomorrow at 10 in the press room.

So... Make sure you bring the doofus that got his ass kicked.

I don't know who you're referring to.

We treat everyone with respect around here.

(OK.)

Good morning. As many of you know,

there was an incident involving a government employee in Ramsett Park.

Jerry, are you nervous?

Just talk about how hard it was for you. Speak from the heart.

You'll be fine.

Leslie? I wasn't mugged.

..safety of our citizens. That's why we're here today to give Pawnee...

-Jerry? Why don't you step on up here?

-No! No, I will...

get up here. I'm going to speak for Jerry.

He can't talk right now because he has hysterical muteness from trauma.

-Correct.

-Jerry...!

What about this? Is this fake? Huh? Is it?!

This is real. I really dislocated my shoulder.

Were you even in the park yesterday?

Look, I was on my way to feed the hummingbirds,

and I stopped for a breakfast burrito.

-The farting.

-Yeah.

And Lord Sheldon... He lunged at a bird, I dropped the burrito,

and it landed on a log in the creek.

So, I go to reach for it, I lose my balance,

and I fall on my shoulder really weird.

Why didn't you just tell everybody the truth?!

Are you kidding me? Imagine what Tom would have said.

AS TOM: Damn, Jerry! You jumped in a creek for a burrito?

What would you do for a Klondike Bar? Kill your wife?

Block the opponent's punch and counter-punch to the jaw.

Shoeshine?

Hey.

Oh! Hey! Ann Perkins, in the "shoe-shouse."

I wanted to check in. I brought some stuff from the hospital.

Water, a compress, aspirin, some lollipops, I know you love those.

Ann, you know, thank you. But really, I'm feeling great.

I took a couple of aspirin and slept right through the night. And...

Hold on a second. Ludgate. What the hell?

-I got you one of those veggie muffins that you're always eating.

-Score.

Yeah. It tastes like a rug.

-Shut up!

-Don't hit me.

-Good. Well, I'm glad you're feeling better.

-I am. Thank you for that.

That's so cool.

'Since when did he start doing stuff for other people?'

Now, I actually am worried that something happened to his brain.

People change, I guess...

Wouldn't you rather the money go to keeping parks safe?

Yes, but now we have the money under false pretences.

-I actually think that you have a bigger problem than the money.

-What?

There is someone in your department willing to lie about being mugged,

because he's afraid of his co-workers.

PHONE RINGS

Knope. Yep. ..No!

Carl. What are you doing?

Oh, Leslie.

Well, since you decided to drag my name through the mud on TV,

I figured why not return the favour.

Carl, could you quietly quiet down for a second,

and please tell me what is going on, quietly? OK? In a quiet voice.

-SHOUTS LOUDER:

-A citizen handed in a very interesting home video

that I think the people of Pawnee will find very interesting.

Take a peek at this.

Keep your eyes on the creek.

There he is. This is my favourite part.

Not willing to share with a dog.

So, it would appear that Park Security was not to blame after all.

OK, look. I have a proposition for you.

-Fine. I'll have sex with you in exchange for the tape.

-That's not what I am saying. OK?

Just listen to what I have to say.

The Ramsett Park mugging story continues with a shiny new twist.

Ranger Carl Lorthner is here today.

Now, I understand

that you have a bombshell to drop that you are just sitting on.

Yes, that's correct.

I came on today because I have some very important information to share.

I finally saw Avatar and I thought it lived up to the hype.

Well, I'm not sure what that has to do with the mugging.

Uh... Leslie. Counterpoint.

-I disagree with Carl.

-OK.

I have seen Avatar as well, and I think it exceeded the hype.

What?!

Oh boy, we...

Disagreement.

Well, things are really heating up in here, aren't they?

We should probably take some calls.

-That segment was a disaster. Don't you ever

-BLEEP

-me like that again.

-This is Pawnee

-BLEEP

-Today.

Do you know that I bumped a cat

that can stand up on its hinders for you?

You disgust me, Knope. Get out of my sight.

-Yes, ma'am.

-Go.

Go on. Oh, no, no, no. Don't make me chase you.

You want to go eat something?

-QUIETLY:

-OK.

I am part of a great team.

And sometimes, the best way to maintain a strong team

is just by letting someone know that he is still a part of it.

This is the only copy, and I am going to destroy it.

Right after I watch it one more time.

I'm sorry, but it is so good.

-Hey, Jerry.

-Hmm?

I got you a peppermint latte.

Seriously? My goodness. I love a peppermint...

I know.

Oh, geez. Go ahead.

We should just directly apply the food to your clothes.

Haha! Yaaay! Making fun of Jerry is back!

'They can laugh at me all they want.'

Because two more years till I retire with full benefits and pension.

And the wife and I, we have bought a little cottage on a lake.

And I am going to get myself a stack of mystery novels,

a box of cigars, and I am going to sit back and enjoy my life.

Hey, Jerry? April was just double-checking the lunch order.

Do you want the salmon or the twout?

CHANTING: Twout! Twout! Twout! Twout!