Telethon Parks and Recreation


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-HIGH PITCHED VOICES

-What's going on here?

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-Puppy!

-A puppy is here!

-Can we keep him?

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My neighbour's dog had a litter. Looking for people to adopt.

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-I love him!

-I wish he had tiny puppy shoes.

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I would totally shine his little shoes for free.

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-ALL:

-Aw...!

-I do say the cutest stuff!

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Look, I love a good dog as much as the next guy,

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but this building doesn't allow animals. Andy, take him outside.

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-What, and shoot him?

-No. Just keep him outside.

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Oh, come on, Ron. I'm just a little puppy.

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I ain't done nothing wrong. I'm just a puppy.

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Oh. I like your moustache.

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I wish I could have one. But I can't.

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Because I'm just a little puppy.

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OK, take him out and shoot him.

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Fire! Fire! Fire!

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What? Where?

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In my belly. Because the 24-hour

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Pawnee Cares Diabetes Telethon starts tonight.

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Goody. Let us know how it went.

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Every year, Pawnee Cares teams up with the local cable access station

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to raise money for diabetes research.

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And it's important,

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because Pawnee is the fourth-fattest town in the US.

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It goes us, Dallas, Tulsa

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and certain parts of The Mall of America.

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Well, this year, I get to program my own four-hour block.

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I know. Exciting!

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So, I have signed you all up for multiple shifts.

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Yes, just to answer phones and provide moral support.

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From when to when?

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Tonight.

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From... 2:00am to 6:00am

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-ALL:

-What?!

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No. Leslie, please.

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Tonight's kind of a big night.

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All my kids are away, and...

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Gross! No! It's Jerry's sex night.

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That ruins sex AND tonight.

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Why don't you put on one of these T-shirts? It'll get you in the mood.

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I stayed up all night last night making these.

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You stayed up all night the night before an all-night telethon.

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Yes. And here's why. Boom.

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"Diabetes. Let's Dia-beat-this."

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Yeah. Four hours to come up with the slogan.

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-Four hours to embroider them.

-Time well spent.

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Salad sucks. There. I said it.

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-Feel better?

-Yep.

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I've been doing some thinking.

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I'm not going to ask Ann to move in with me.

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-Why? Is something wrong?

-No. I'm going to ask her to marry me.

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-I love her...

-Horseback!

-..and I want a partner.

-Ask her on horseback.

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-What?

-No, you should ask her in a hot-air balloon.

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-No.

-She should be on the hot-air balloon,

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and you should ride up on horseback.

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Oh. Wait. She's in the balloon, you ride up on horseback,

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you point to the sky, up there, skywriting, "Marry me, Ann."

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I think I can figure out the right way to ask her.

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How you ask someone to marry you is a very big deal.

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I mean, they have to repeat that story for the rest of their lives.

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So, you think I should do it, though.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely. Can you get five eagles?

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-No, get ten eagles.

-Leslie...

-No, you're right. It's your life.

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Get as many eagles as you want.

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So, Tom, you're in for tonight, right?

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I forgot to tell you. I can't make it to the telethon tonight,

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because I have no interest in being there.

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OK. You're in charge of the VIP special telethon guest.

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You'll never believe who I got. People are going to freak out.

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Rihanna.

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-No.

-Dr Oz.

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Nope. You're never going to guess.

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Justin Bieber.

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No. Ex-Indiana Pacers small forward - Detlef Schrempf.

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THE Detlef Schrempf?!

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I know! So, it's really exciting.

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-Wow.

-And I need you to be his body-man.

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Pick him up at the airport at 7:00pm.

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And then, you know, just entertain him.

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Because he doesn't need to be in hair and make-up until 2:00am.

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Does Pawnee Cable Access even have hair and make-up?

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Well, they have a communal lipstick and a box of combs.

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As a nurse and as your friend,

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I highly suggest you don't try to stay up for the next 24 hours.

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I can definitely do it.

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I've already been up for 24 hours. But I have a secret weapon.

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NutriYum bars? Leslie.

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I know, I know. They're terrible.

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But they give me an insane 15-minute burst.

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Plus, my nana used to tell me, "You'll sleep when you're dead."

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My nana, she used to say the best stuff.

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"Don't work yourself into a lather."

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"Look where it is and you'll find it."

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"Don't put me in a home."

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"Tell the truth and shame the devil."

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"The devil knows where you're hiding."

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"If you take enough rides with the devil, pretty soon, he's going to drive."

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She was really into the devil.

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I have not checked in with you lately.

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I'm randomly and casually asking.

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How are things going with Mark?

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Things are good.

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Do you think he's the one?

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The one? I don't know. Maybe.

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Good.

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I'm here. What do I have to do?

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I have you on phone-answering duty from 4:00 to 6:00am.

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That's horrible. I have to nap up.

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If I don't get a solid five, it kills my sunny disposition.

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Got enough legroom back there?

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Yeah. Yeah, you don't have to sit so far up.

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Yeah, I do.

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So, Detlef Schrempf.

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Three-time NBA All-Star, two-time Sixth Man Award winner.

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It must have been pretty cool to be traded to the Pacers in exchange

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for veteran centre... Herb Williams.

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So, you looked me up on Wikipedia, huh?

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No. Everybody knows that.

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Just like everybody knows you appeared

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in two episodes of the German soap opera

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Gute Zeiten Schlechte Zeiten.

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What, you a big fan of that show?

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Huge fan.

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Huh? Oh, 6'10".

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I'm 5'6" and three quarters.

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All right, team, you guys psyched?

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Just remember, all you need to do is

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take down everybody's name and address

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and ask them how much they want to donate.

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Hey, do these phones dial out?

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Yes. Why?

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-No reason.

-Leslie, you know what?

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My phone has 25 lines. I think it might be a switchboard.

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Congratulations, then. You got the most lines.

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Figure it out, Jerry.

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Come on, Jerry.

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Everyone else has one line.

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Oh! So, Leslie, I hear you'll be in front of the camera this year.

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-Yeah. It's exciting.

-Cut the chatter. Tele-hosting?

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Not as easy as it looks. OK? This isn't C-SPAN.

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This is Local Access 46. Don't blow it.

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Good evening and welcome to the tenth annual

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Pawnee Cares Diabetes Telethon.

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I'm Pawnee Today's Joan Callamezzo.

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And I am not a crook.

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No, he's not.

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What time is it? I'm tired already.

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It's 8:03. Your shift doesn't start for another six hours.

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Diabetes. Yuck.

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Tonight, we're hoping

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the people of Pawnee

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dig their big, chubby hands

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into their plus-size pockets

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and donate generously.

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Weird wacky stuff.

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(Stop it.)

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Coming up, a very special video presentation called

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Even My Tongue is Fat:

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The Story of Pawnee.

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But right now, to begin with,

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let's start things off in our telethon with a song.

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From Pawnee's most bookable personality, Denise Yermley!

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# Sweet dreams are made of this... #

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No-one cares.

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Hello, hello. Here you go. Right up there.

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Hel.... Good ev... Pawnee...

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Who's next?

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I feel great.

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Everything is running smoothly.

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# Some of them want to use you... #

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Clipboard mouth. Clipboard mouth.

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There's some secret ingredient in these NutriYum bars

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that makes me feel so good.

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Sugar. It's a block of sugar.

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Aaaarh!

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Leslie? Leslie.

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Tigers.

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-Hey, you told me to wake you up at 1:45.

-Yep.

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-It's 1:45 now.

-I'm up.

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I need to pull it together. My slot is coming up.

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Hey, before you go on, can I just talk to you about something?

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-PHONE RINGS

-Wait a minute. Sorry.

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It's Tom. He may have a Schrempf problem.

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-OK.

-You understand that, right?

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-I do. Take it.

-TB continued, Ann.

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-I promise.

-We'll talk later?

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-Yes.

-OK.

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Hey! Hi. Are you on your way?

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'The Snakehole is booming!'

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People are loving Detlef Schrempf.

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I had no idea professional athletes were so popular.

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That's awesome. But you promised to get him here.

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-Get him here.

-Don't worry. We're leaving soon, all right?

-Bye!

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Oh, you can't leave.

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Tommy, this is the most business the club's done in months.

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But I've got to get him to the telethon.

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He's not going anywhere.

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OK. Oh, God. Problem.

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Andy, I know I told you that you were going

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on at 3:00am after the Detlef Schrempf

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interview and career retrospective, but you're going on now.

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-You're kicking things off.

-Whoa! Sweet. Headlining.

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Yeah. At 2:00am. On Cable Access.

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Yeah. Let's go.

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So, how are things going with you two?

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They're going really well.

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We're going to get married and I'm pregnant with his child.

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Thank you, Joan.

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There are two types of diabetes, but only one type of caring.

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Type One caring.

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And tonight, God willing, we will all be stricken with that.

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There's a lot of fun stuff coming up.

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Indiana Pacers legend, Detlef Schrempf,

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will be joining us in the studio later on.

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But until then, I would like to introduce

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one of the hottest bands in Pawnee.

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Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mouse Rat.

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# I know that life is crazy

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Well, OK. Slight hiccup. But we're back on track.

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See that board?

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When my shift is done, that board is going to read 20,000.

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"Pawnee Cares."

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Hi. Yes, I'd like to donate 50, please.

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"Mmm-hmm. Leslie?"

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# You've got sex hair... #

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God, we're not getting any donations coming in.

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I'm tired of waiting for people to call us.

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Let's call them. Everybody call somebody.

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-Leslie, it's the middle of the night.

-Then, good. They'll be home.

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Donna, someone good?

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No, I'm talking to my brother, George.

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You're not supposed to receive personal phone calls.

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Oh, I called him. He's in Liberia visiting my uncle.

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Wants to know what happened on Lost.

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-Oh, thank God. Here you go.

-Thank you.

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I have no idea.

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Did you put cream in this?

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Uh, yeah. Did I screw up?

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-No, I can drink it.

-You sure?

-Guys, has anyone seen Tom?

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The ultimate celebrity, I think, to hang out with for a night would be...

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Criss Angel.

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Like you'd be talking to him, and then, he would just turn into fire.

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TOM LAUGHS

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Brooks Brothers Boys is like, the cuts are slimmer and it's cheaper.

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Win-win.

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Do you ever talk to someone and you're just like,

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"Oh. We're gonna be best friends"? I'm getting that, right now.

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He had two beers. Light beers.

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I need you to make that out,

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"To Wendy. Tom is an amazing guy.

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"You never should have left him.

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"You made a huge mistake in your life,

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"and you're probably going to die alone. Love, Detlef."

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Do you know what, I think we should be heading to that telethon.

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Yes, we will definitely go to the telethon soon. After this song!

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# Hopped up outta bed

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# Turn my swag on

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# Took a look in the mirror, said, "What's up?"... #

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Ron? Ron. Wake up.

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Ron, wake up. It's Leslie.

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ARGH! God! Were you having a bad dream?

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No. I suffer from a disorder called sleep fighting.

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That must be terrible.

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Only when I'm losing.

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Look, I'm freaking out, OK?

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Tom is not here, and he's got Detlef Schrempf.

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And I have three hours to fill.

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I'm sure you'll figure something out.

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Don't go back to sleep. OK? I need you to wake up. Ron? Come on.

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Help me. Attaboy.

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I am only here because I owe Leslie a thousand favours.

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I'm not big on charities.

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Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.

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Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself.

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He's a grown man. Fishing is not that hard.

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OK, that was the national anthem of Canada.

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And now, I'm going to see how long I can hold a D chord.

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April, will you call some of the Rec Center teachers

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and see if they want to come down and show off their special skills?

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Yes. Nod your head yes.

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I can do magic.

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Egg, my lady?

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Jerry, that's disgusting and fake!

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Oh, my God. It's real. Go up there and do that.

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You broke my egg.

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You don't have a second egg?

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No, but I'm a very good piano player. I'd be happy to go up there

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-and give it a shot.

-Why are you wasting my time?

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This is really serious!

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You go keep your eye out for Tom. I've got this covered.

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When re-caning an old chair,

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one needs to make sure that one has all the right elements in place.

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Over. Under.

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And...you guessed it. Over.

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God, he's actually losing money.

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Over. Under. This chair is almost caning itself.

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No. Sir, if you want to make a donation, you have to... Yeah.

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That sounds really cool.

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You sound cool.

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You sound really strong.

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Hey, why don't you forget about the donation

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and just come down here and meet me in person.

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What?

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Oh, my God. You're so funny.

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You're funny. Bye.

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-Hey.

-Hey.

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Funny girl you were talking to?

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When it comes to preparing taxes...

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Oh, my God. This is a disaster.

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The only thing that's taxing is deciding which software to buy.

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I am completely screwed.

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I have no Schrempf, no back-up plan, no more NutriYum bars.

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What do people want to watch? Cute animals on a bike?

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No time to train one. Hot people kissing?

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I don't know. Maybe Mark and Ann would...

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Have you ever seen this man sleep? It's like underwater ballet.

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I have a great idea.

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What's that?

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I think you should propose to Ann tonight.

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Today. Whatever it is.

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On camera.

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For diabetes.

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-Really?

-Yes. It would be so cool.

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Don't you remember when Ahmad Rashad proposed to Mrs Cosby on TV?

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-No.

-I do.

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Most women do.

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On television, though?

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-Yes, but...

-Oh, my God!

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We talked about it being something big. Right.

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And I don't think we can get a hot-air balloon at this time of night.

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I have my grandma's ring.

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I guess I could go home and get it.

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Is there a story behind it?

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Was she on the Titanic? Was she on the Titanic?

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No. She was just my grandma.

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It would make a great story. I trust Leslie. I don't know.

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What do you think I should do?

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And that concludes a quick look at QuickBook...s Pro.

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"Quick Book...s."

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OK. Thank you so much, Barney, for that.

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Thank you. (Go.)

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We'd like to make a quick announcement.

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Detlef Schrempf is temporarily delayed.

0:14:170:14:20

But coming soon, a really amazing thing is going to happen.

0:14:200:14:24

So, get your wallets out - or get your handkerchiefs out.

0:14:240:14:28

Or get your tissues out,

0:14:280:14:29

if you're like me and think handkerchiefs are gross.

0:14:290:14:31

For now, please, let's take a look at this moving video entitled,

0:14:310:14:35

One Butt, Two Seats:

0:14:350:14:37

The Widening of America.

0:14:370:14:39

No. Ann. Wait. Ann, Ann!

0:14:410:14:43

Where are you going? Just stay a little while longer.

0:14:430:14:46

Leslie, I'm so beat.

0:14:460:14:47

I'm so sorry that I've been crazy.

0:14:470:14:49

What did you want to talk to me about?

0:14:490:14:50

No worries. It can wait.

0:14:500:14:51

No, no. What is it?

0:14:510:14:53

I think I need to break up with Mark.

0:14:540:14:57

I've just been feeling for a while like something's missing.

0:14:580:15:01

And I kept thinking about the question you asked me today,

0:15:010:15:04

about whether or not he's the one. And he's not.

0:15:040:15:07

Mark really loves you. I think he's ready to take this to the next step.

0:15:070:15:11

He doesn't know what he's ready for. But I think I do.

0:15:110:15:15

I guess you're just going to have to marry him and figure it out.

0:15:150:15:17

-No.

-No. No.

0:15:170:15:18

-Why would you do that?

-No, no. No. No.

0:15:180:15:20

Good for you, Ann.

0:15:200:15:21

Hey, Mark. It's Leslie. Change of plans. Can you call me back?

0:15:230:15:26

Tom, get here now. Call me. Bye.

0:15:260:15:28

Hey, Leslie. It's Leslie. Hang in there. I love you. Bye.

0:15:280:15:32

Please be April. April?

0:15:340:15:37

Yeah?

0:15:370:15:38

It's Joe from the phone. I made you laugh.

0:15:380:15:41

You said come down.

0:15:410:15:42

Listen, my van's out back. Let's roll.

0:15:420:15:44

No. Please leave.

0:15:440:15:47

-Where are you going?

-Hey. What's up?

0:15:470:15:49

Is this guy bothering you?

0:15:490:15:50

No, I'm bothering you.

0:15:500:15:52

For bothering her.

0:15:520:15:53

Are you her bodyguard? I mean, she's an adult.

0:15:530:15:55

I think she can decide on her own what train she wants to ride.

0:15:550:15:59

-It's time to go.

-Whatever, man.

0:15:590:16:00

I work for the Sewage Department.

0:16:000:16:02

I'm up to my waist in hot snizz.

0:16:020:16:04

Take a walk. Bye-bye.

0:16:040:16:06

OK.

0:16:100:16:12

Heads. Oh, boy. What is going to happen next?

0:16:120:16:16

OK. My second favourite episode?

0:16:160:16:18

Monica is making dinner,

0:16:180:16:20

and Joey is mad at Chandler because Chandler made out with his girlfriend.

0:16:200:16:24

So, Joey says, "Get in the box." I forgot to tell you.

0:16:240:16:26

There's a box. And it's Thanksgiving Day. So, they get ready to eat.

0:16:260:16:30

What is Ross and Rachel doing? They're fighting.

0:16:300:16:32

So, Ross, Rachel, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are all together.

0:16:320:16:36

Although, is Phoebe there?

0:16:360:16:38

Yes. So...

0:16:420:16:44

I will now drink eight glasses of milk in three minutes.

0:16:440:16:47

No. No, you won't. No, you won't.

0:16:470:16:48

-Because if you do that, you will die.

-Oh!

0:16:480:16:50

PLAYS PIANO WELL

0:16:580:17:02

OK. All right. OK.

0:17:060:17:07

Enough of that racket.

0:17:070:17:09

Well, Pawnee. It's almost 6:00 in the morning.

0:17:090:17:13

And, we need to keep those donations coming in.

0:17:130:17:16

I know we promised a special event coming up, and...

0:17:160:17:19

(Leslie...)

0:17:190:17:21

-(Should I come up now?)

-No. No.

0:17:210:17:24

No. What we'll do is pull our pants down.

0:17:240:17:26

That's what we're going to do.

0:17:260:17:27

Everyone's going to pull their pants down for diabetes.

0:17:270:17:29

OK? On one, two...

0:17:290:17:30

# Got my swag on

0:17:330:17:35

# Took a look in the mirror, said, "What's up?"... #

0:17:350:17:38

Detlef, are you sure you don't want me to drive? I'm good to drive.

0:17:380:17:41

You want to come up and play video games?

0:17:410:17:42

Whoa! Pull over, man. That place has good chicken. I'm hungry.

0:17:420:17:46

You just love flashing your ass, don't you?

0:17:490:17:51

When it's for a good cause, Joan.

0:17:510:17:52

What's up!

0:17:520:17:54

Hey, look who's here.

0:17:540:17:55

Wake up, Pawnee! Tommy Timberlake is in the house!

0:17:550:17:58

And you know who else is with me? Detlef...Schrempf!

0:17:580:18:03

Tell them what they won, son!

0:18:030:18:06

All right. Thanks, Tom.

0:18:060:18:07

Well, on behalf of the Detlef Schrempf Foundation,

0:18:070:18:09

I would like to present this check for 5,000 for diabetes research.

0:18:090:18:14

Oh, man! Yeah.

0:18:150:18:16

Thank you very much. Wow.

0:18:160:18:19

Wow. Big man, big check.

0:18:190:18:21

By the way, I'm drunk!

0:18:210:18:24

And if anybody out there...

0:18:240:18:27

(I don't understand. What happened?)

0:18:270:18:28

I'm sorry. I think I was a little tired when I told you that you should do that.

0:18:280:18:32

I don't think that that's something Ann wants.

0:18:320:18:34

Not on TV.

0:18:340:18:35

So, that's why you pulled your pants down.

0:18:350:18:37

Yeah. Wait...what did I do?

0:18:370:18:41

It's 6:04 am and I'm Perd Hapley

0:18:410:18:43

of Channel 4 Eyewitness News.

0:18:430:18:45

And the story of this next dance

0:18:450:18:47

is that it's called The Worm.

0:18:470:18:49

Good morning, Knope.

0:18:560:18:58

Morning, Ron.

0:18:580:18:59

Everything running smoothly?

0:18:590:19:01

You know, I'm happy to go back out there, demonstrate more of my skills.

0:19:010:19:04

How to start a fire without matches.

0:19:040:19:06

How to build a cribbage board.

0:19:060:19:08

No, I'm OK. Thanks.

0:19:080:19:10

Get some sleep.

0:19:100:19:11

Aye-aye, Captain.

0:19:110:19:12

-What the

-BLEEP

-are you doing, Perd Hapley?

0:19:160:19:20

DOORBELL

0:19:200:19:21

Hey. Leslie? What are you doing here?

0:19:230:19:24

Why aren't you sleeping?

0:19:240:19:25

I just...I thought maybe you'd want to talk more about all the crazy stuff going on.

0:19:250:19:30

I do. I really do. Thanks.

0:19:300:19:32

Yeah. I've just got to tell you, I'm a little tired.

0:19:320:19:34

-OK.

-So, I may have parked on your front lawn.

0:19:340:19:38

-You did.

-I did.

0:19:390:19:41

-Oh!

-Yeah.

0:19:410:19:43

It's... Just come in before anybody...

0:19:430:19:45

Leslie and I had an amazing talk.

0:19:470:19:49

It was so great of her to come over here.

0:19:490:19:50

Even though she was exhausted beyond belief.

0:19:500:19:53

Anyway, after we talked, she fell asleep on my couch.

0:19:530:19:56

And she's been asleep for...

0:19:570:20:01

22 hours.

0:20:010:20:03

It's amazing what she slept through.

0:20:030:20:05

'No way.'

0:20:060:20:07

'At one point, I thought she was up...' Hold on. Hi.

0:20:070:20:11

Hey.

0:20:110:20:12

'But then, she went right back to sleep.'

0:20:120:20:13

I've been monitoring her vital signs. She's totally fine.

0:20:150:20:18

I love her so much.

0:20:180:20:20

But I think I'm going to draw a moustache on her face.

0:20:210:20:23

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