Practice Date Parks and Recreation

And to my wife, I apologise. All I can say is I wasn't just having sex,

I was making love to a beautiful woman

and her boyfriend,

and a third person, whose name I never learned.

Furthermore, it was wrong of me to say

I was building houses for the underprivileged,

when I was actually having four-way sex in a cave in Brazil.

I bet cave sex is insane.

-Why?

-Because of the echoes and the humidity.

-Mm-hm.

In my defence, it was my birthday

and I really wanted to do it.

'I think it's a real shame'

when people focus on the tawdry details of a scandal.

Personally, all I care about is Councilman Dexhart's policies.

Not whether he was high on nitrous and cocaine during the cave sex.

Which, by the way, I heard he was.

'One more shocking revelation'

in a story that just won't stop unfolding.

It turns out Councilman Dexhart

may have also had sex with a prostitute

in the limousine on the way to and from the press conference

where he apologised for having an affair.

'Perd Hapley...'

Why does anybody wanna run for public office?

You're just asking to have your entire life exposed.

Well, if you're squeaky clean, like I am, there's no problem.

Tom, you're married, and you hit on women constantly.

Yeah, but I've never sealed the deal. Just window-shopping.

You can fly to Brazil, just don't enter the cave. Am I right? Up top!

I'm sure that you think that you're clean,

but I bet that we could find something on you.

I changed my name, which is legal,

and once in high school, a girl beat me in a wrestling match.

That's it. I bet anything I could find worse stuff on all you guys.

Are you suggesting a game?

-I'm in.

-I'm in.

-I'm out.

-Not an option, Jerry.

-You're going down.

-No, seriously, I really don't wanna play.

No, no. Seriously, you are playing. We're gonna nail you.

I will play, too,

if only to prove that I can find more dirt on you than you can on me.

APRIL: That's why we're all playing.

Your desk is over there.

I love games that turn people against each other.

You guys will never believe what I just found on Jerry's Facebook.

A friend. Burn!

OK, again, I'd really rather not play.

Hey, guys. What are you guys doing?

Trying to see who has the least amount of dirt on them

in case someone wants to run for office.

-Well, it ain't Jerry. That's for sure.

-What?

Well, he's got a couple of 359s on him. Public urination.

I don't like this game. I just don't like it.

He's probably gonna go anger-pee in the courtyard.

SHE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Well, you crazy park people, I'm out of here.

-Leslie, I'll see you tomorrow.

-Tomorrow, will be our

first official... First date.

-Roger that.

-Copy. Over and out.

'Dave and I are going on our first date tomorrow.'

I'm not nervous.

Why should I be nervous? We're just two people going on a first date.

There's nothing to be nervous about.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS, SHE GASPS

That was my phone.

-Hey.

-Hey. Hi there.

What are you... What are you doing here?

Just having lunch with Leslie. What are you up to?

Oh, I'm looking for scandalous information about my co-workers,

for a game that we're playing.

My taxes pay your salary, right?

-Yeah.

-Cool.

And he looked up at me,

and he said, "Thank you. You saved my life."

Yeah. Hey, listen,

I'm really nervous about this date tomorrow night.

Do you have, like, a first date outfit I can borrow?

Like, I don't know, a pair of cargo pants?

Yeah, I wouldn't go with a cargo pant.

-What about, like, a sexy hat?

-I don't know what that even is.

Helping already.

-Do you wanna just come by after work today?

-Sure. Yeah. Tonight?

Several hours from now?

SHE SIGHS

Or you could just come over now?

I think that would be better. Let's go.

Oh, what you doing, guys?

Looking for dirt on me? No point.

Give up now.

Oh, wait, there's this.

Everybody, I bought a Croissan'wich this morning.

This isn't even a real receipt. Just a scrap of paper.

-Taliban robes!

-What?

Where'd you get that photo from?

-Hey, Tom. Nice Taliban robes.

-Those aren't Taliban robes.

That's from Halloween, 10 years ago. I was dressed like a Jedi.

I'm sure that the voters would be able to tell the difference.

Mmm, looks to me like you're in the Taliban.

Well, did everybody know that Ron's ex-wife, Tammy,

is actually his second ex-wife named Tammy?

That's right. Ron has two ex-wives, each named Tammy.

Both of them bitches.

Yes, my mom's name is Tammy.

What's your point?

Tom, that was a Jaeger-secret.

You just breached a Jaeger-secret.

Damn, this just heated up quick!

-Ta-da!

-That looks great.

-Yeah?

Will you be wearing it out of the store today, madam?

-BAD COCKNEY ACCENT:

-I think I will, good lady.

-Hey, while I have you, can I ask you a question?

-Shoot.

-What if he asks me if I've been married?

-Have you?

-No.

-Well, then, say that.

-But then he'll wonder why I haven't been married.

You know, I'm gonna say that I was married.

The real question is, should I say that I have kids?

-Guys like girls that have kids, right?

-Whoa!

What if I get drunk and I talk about Darfur too much?

-Or not enough? What if I don't bring up Darfur enough?

-Leslie, relax.

-Yeah.

-OK?

I just have a few more questions for you, Ann.

What if he shows up with another woman?

What if one of my sleeves catches on fire and it spreads rapidly?

What, if instead of Tic Tacs, I accidentally pop a couple of Ambien

and I have to keep punching my leg to stay awake?

Those are all insane hypotheticals. And I promise you they won't happen.

They have happened.

All of these have happened to me.

No, there's more.

One time, I accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar.

I thought it was terrible wine.

Once I went out with a guy who wore 3D glasses the entire evening.

Oh, one time I rode in a sidecar on a guy's motorcycle,

and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs.

Another time, I went to a really boring movie with a guy,

and, while I was asleep, he tried to pull out one of my teeth.

I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth.

We went out a couple times after that, but then he got weird.

I know it sounds crazy, I'm a grown woman,

but I am just not good on first dates.

Oh, OK. OK. You have a problem, and this is how we're gonna fix it.

I know what you're thinking. I wear an earpiece, you sit nearby,

you speak into a mic, you tell me what to say.

But let me tell you something, Ann, it never works.

No, no, no. We are gonna go to a restaurant and have a practice date.

I will pretend to be Dave, and you will practise on me.

Oh! That's a way better idea.

-Hey, Dave, it's me. It's Leslie.

-Hi, Leslie.

-Hi!

-Good to see you.

You don't wanna do that quite yet.

So, Dave...

Let's begin our conversation.

-What's on the note cards?

-They're possible topics of conversation.

"Whales, parades, electricity." And the rest are blank.

Well, I couldn't think of anything else.

Leslie's in worse shape than I thought.

LESLIE LAUGHS

-Oh...

-LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Is she practice-laughing?

Oh, Dave... You!

Ahem...

The Danish call it "op og ned apparat,"

which literally translated means the "up and down machine."

Wow, that's a thorough history of the teeter-totter.

-Now I'm gonna talk about the local flora and fauna found in Pawnee.

-OK.

-What's amazing...

-You know? Just ask me a question.

-Just try to get to know me.

-OK.

I can't think of anything to ask you. I'm sorry. My mind is blank.

Just ask me the first thing that comes to your head.

How big is it?

-Really?

-Oh, my God.

-Hey, Tommy. Hi.

-Hey.

-Are you ready?

Yes, I am. Just give me one second.

Hey, Donna. Let me ask you something.

-Do you hate black people?

-Excuse me?

Cos, apparently, in 1988, you donated money

to the presidential campaign for David Duke.

-The KKK guy?

-I got a phone call. They said he would lower taxes.

Boom! How's it feel to lose so hard?

I'm sorry, honey. Let's get coffee.

Ree-Ron! You remember my wife, Wendy Haverford.

-Of course.

-Yeah, hi.

-How are things at the hospital?

Very good, thank you. I just got a paediatric surgery fellowship.

-Nice.

-We're celebrating, cos she's super rich and super hot also.

OK. Come on, Tommy. Cut it out.

You're super hot. Everybody else has to deal with it.

Let's get out of here. See you later, Ron.

I've established a scientifically perfect

10-point scale of human beauty.

Wendy is a 7.4,

which is way too high for Tom, who is a 3.8.

Ten is tennis legend Steffi Graf.

Hi, Dave.

You're late. And I can see your nipples through your dress.

What? No. Really?

In nursing school, we took a psych course on how to treat phobias

with a method called "exposure therapy."

So, like, if you were afraid of snakes,

they would immerse you in a tank of snakes.

So, I am going to immerse Leslie in a tank of bad date.

-You're 20 minutes late, I almost left.

-OK.

-God!

-Well, I was, er... dropping my niece off.

What's your niece's name?

Torple. What? I don't know.

That's not a name. I don't have a niece.

-My niece's name is Stephanie.

-Stop lying.

Hey, look. There's bread. You want some? Oh, no!

-I got flowers in your soup. I'm so sorry.

-Come on!

Just... I have to go to the whiz palace.

You know, Dave, the place where you...

You know, the toilet thing.

It's a bathroom! It's called a bathroom!

Hey, Mark.

Um, a little birdie told me that you have one unpaid parking ticket.

Well, that's funny, because a little birdie told me

that your adoptive mother was arrested for marijuana possession.

-DONNA:

-Oh, snap!

-What?

-You didn't know that, huh?

I didn't know I was adopted.

Oh, no. Oh, Jerry. Oh, Jerry. I'm so sorry.

-I really didn't wanna play.

-You...

-That was not my intention.

-It's not your fault.

He totally baited you with that unpaid parking ticket.

RON: Tom, could you come into my office?

Tom-ato sauce.

Ron-tonamo Bay.

Do be seated and congratulate me.

-For what?

-Winning the game.

I just found out, through some pretty impressive investigating,

that your wedding was a sham. It's a green card marriage.

That's crazy. I was born in South Carolina.

These colours don't run, baby.

Yes, but Wendy was born in Ottawa, Canada.

Her visa was set to expire the day after you got married

at the county courthouse in front of three strangers and no family.

OK. We met in college.

She wanted to work in the States, she couldn't get a permit...

I knew it. I knew you couldn't get a wife as hot as her.

Seriously, Ron. Games aside, you gotta keep this between us.

-Don't tell anybody, please.

-Come on. Don't worry. I won't turn you in.

Just admit that, when it comes to digging up dirt,

I bested you in this game. Say it. Say, "I bested you."

Fine. You bested me. Is that all?

No. I'll have your wife tonight.

What?!

I'm just kidding. Get out of here.

Why would you say that, Dave? That dog was, like, my best friend.

-And when she died, it was...

-Bring, bring, bring, bring, bring.

Hey, Tiffany.

Yeah, I definitely wanna see you tonight.

No, I can't really talk right now, cos I'm on a date with this drip.

Yeah, I can ask.

Hey, do you wanna watch a porno after this with me and my wife?

No, Dave. Cos you're disgusting.

So, it's definitely a no?

I don't understand why you're being so terrible. We're two people trying

to go on a date. It's supposed to be fun. It's just a date.

You're right, it is. Well done.

Sorry I had to get all medical on you. But now you see that,

even if everything goes wrong, you'll survive.

Well, well, well.

You coy bastard.

Mark.

-Tom.

-You hate Ron, right?

-No. I think Ron is fine.

-So, we're on the same page.

You gotta help me take him down. There's gotta be something on him.

Tom, I'm starting to feel kind of gross about this game.

It's not about the game anymore.

Ron has some serious dirt on me. I need to balance things out.

You must know how that feels, you got tons of dirt in your past.

Please, you gotta help me.

There is a man named Duke Silver.

He hangs out at a bar in Eagleton.

He's an old friend of Ron's, maybe you should ask him.

Thanks, man. I'm gonna dig up so much dirt on this guy,

there's gonna be worms all over the place.

-It sounded snappier in my head.

-Yeah.

'Ann is so awesome. I'm lucky to have a friend'

who would spend a whole day being so mean to me.

Catch. I don't need your dress anymore, I'll wear my own stuff.

Me-power.

Good. You're officially first date-proof.

Thank you, Dave.

Listen, it is impossible that he's not gonna like you.

-He's gonna freak out about how awesome you are.

-No, he's not.

Yes, he is. He's gonna love you.

You're cool and you're sexy and you're funny and you're smart...

-Yeah.

-Look, any guy would be lucky to date you.

-Yeah.

-Yeah. Hell, yeah.

-Yeah. Hells, yeah!

-Yeah. I AM awesome.

-You ARE awesome.

-Yeah, and you are, too.

-Thank you.

-You are, too.

-Thank you.

-You are, too, Ann.

-OK!

-You're awesome.

-You're awesome.

Help, police! Help! Help!

Hey.

Look, I know today is today, and it's not tomorrow,

but I felt like you should know that I'm awesome,

and you're lucky to have me.

And I think our first date tomorrow is gonna go awesome,

off-the-charts amazing. Up top.

All right, let's do this, bitch!

I'm not scared. Can I come and sit down for a little bit?

-Cos I walked here, cos... The drinking.

-I don't know...

I do know. I'm coming inside. So, move, OK?

You make a better door than a guy.

-TOM:

-Hey.

This is gonna sound weird. I'm looking for a guy named Duke Silver.

Yeah, he goes on in a second.

Ladies, ladies, ladies, it's just about that time.

It's with the jazziest pleasure that I bring out for you,

my man, Mr Duke Silver!

CHEERING

Thank you, Dwayne.

As always, it is a thrill to be here, during this witching hour

with you lovely ladies. Now, relax, and let the Duke Silver Trio

take you on a little journey to yourself.

JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

Ann was helping me, because I was panicking about tomorrow.

-Well, did I say something to make you worry about...

-No, no.

Just the whole idea of first dates just kind of freak me out.

But not anymore.

I can't even believe that I was scared to go on a date with you.

-I mean, you should be scared of me.

-OK.

I think I need to return this sweater.

I think it fused with my shirt in the dryer or something.

OK, I think that's a sweater-shirt combo.

I think it's going pretty well with Dave.

He wants me. I can totally tell that he wants me.

I'm right here. You know I'm here, right?

Did you see my bra? Mmm? Bee, boop.

Guess what? I'm wearing the hot one tomorrow, the black one.

-OK.

-Can I use your bathroom?

-Yes.

-Are you impressed that I know what it's called?

Look, maybe I ought to give you a lift home.

Good. Well, in London, they call elevators "lifts."

-You'll give me an elevator home? No, thank you.

-OK. Let's go.

-OK?

-OK. Let's go...

-OK.

-BAD COCKNEY:

-..down to the pub...

-That's right. To the pub.

-..get a pint.

-Yes.

-We'll put our knickers in The Beatles records.

-OK...

This is an English accent.

ON TV: 'What I cannot believe is Dexhart's wife.

'I mean, how clueless can you get?

'How did she not know this was going on?

'More importantly, how does she stay with him after all this?

'I think Dexhart's credibility...'

Hey. Can I help you at, er, 11:48pm?

OK, here's the whole thing. Here are all my skeletons.

When I was 16, I had sex with a married woman.

-Right.

-When I was in college, I smoked a decent amount of pot.

-Uh-huh.

-Nothing insane...

-What the hell are you doing?

I'm trying to tell you that I've done some stuff

that I'm not very proud of. But I like you.

So, I would rather you not find out about this from anyone but me.

This was a bad idea.

-SHE LAUGHS

-No, no. It's fine.

I get what this is, and why you did it.

Is there anything that you would like to share from your past,

-to sort of balance the scales?

-Yeah.

One time this guy rang my doorbell at midnight,

-to brag about getting laid when he was 16, so I shot him.

-Good night.

It's been a real gift making sonic love to you tonight.

If you want more of the Duke, both my albums are for sale here,

Smooth As Silver and Hi Ho, Duke.

And look for my new CD next month, The Memories of Now.

So, come see me, come talk to me, come love with me,

and maybe we can walk through fire together.

Thank you. Good night.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Duke! Huge fan.

Look, Tom. I imagine you'll wanna tell everyone about this,

but I have worked pretty hard to cultivate a certain authoritative,

-or intimidating image around the office...

-Can I get a picture?

-Sure.

Say, "I bested you!"

I bested you.

-All right. Thanks for loving the Duke.

-Thank you. Thank you.

That was a lovely photo.

-Truce?

-Truce.

-You're kidding me.

-No. I'm not.

You showed up at the guy's house in the middle of the night, drunk,

and you didn't even sleep with him?

-Should I have?

-It never hurts.

-God!

DOOR OPENS

-Hey.

-Hey.

Hey!

Er, ahem, You left quite a bit of stuff at my place last night.

Purse, and earrings, and a shoe.

I am so sorry for what happened last night.

On my list of embarrassing things that I've done in my life,

that was numbers one through seven.

-I totally understand if you wanna cancel.

-It's OK.

-You can make it up to me tonight on our second date.

-Second?

Well, yeah. Last night was our first date.

That would make tonight our second.

I'm looking forward to it. 8:00?

8:00.

-You like dancing?

-Yeah!

-I don't...I don't like dancing.

-Then we don't have to go.

-OK.

Well, we went on our first date, and I didn't even know it.

A.K.A., I nailed it.

No fires, no ambulances,

just good old-fashioned showing up drunk

at a guy's house late at night.

However, I wanna be clear,

I have no plans to resign.

Is it weird that my feelings are hurt

that no one's found any dirt on me yet?

Hello! I drove a riding lawn mower through a Nordstrom!

There's video that I took! It's on the Internet.

Nothing.

Jerry. Plastic surgery?

I got hit by a fire engine.

-You are so lucky.

-How?