Kaboom Parks and Recreation

SPEAKERPHONE: "We noticed abnormal activity on your credit card.

"We need you to confirm or deny some recent charges."

OK. Thank you.

"20 to Netflix?"

Yeah.

"20 to Blockbuster Online?"

Both?

I needed all 11 disks of Gossip Girl at the same time.

"120 in tuition to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry?"

They give you a little wand, and a diploma. It's fun.

-What did you major in?

-Potions.

I'm going to take you off speakerphone. Go ahead.

"Jessica Simpson clip-in hair extensions?"

No. OK... Um, I wore those once.

It was a money-back guarantee, but I forgot to return them.

"Man Pillow - the pillow shaped like a man?"

Oh, God.

"Also something called Bucket of Cake."

Yeah, you know, I think someone definitely stole my credit card. So why don't you just cancel it?

"Do you want to hear what else they purchased?"

-Yes!

-No. You don't have to refund.

Just cancel the credit card and we'll all go on with our lives. Thank you.

So, what does a Man Pillow look like?

Daniel Craig.

It's for my lower back.

My name is Keef, and I am your friend.

Are you guys my friends?

Yeah.

All right! Awesome!

It is playground time!

Well, we're here in Eagleton. It's two towns over.

And we're all volunteering for Kaboom,

a service organisation that says it builds a playground in a day.

High five! High five! High five!

I never trust anything that comes that quickly.

I won't eat Minute Rice.

So this whole "build a playground in a day" thing,

-That's just a slogan, right?

-Nope. One day, 24 hours.

Keef, that is so incredible. I mean, I work in Parks,

and I know how hard it is to get something done.

Not if you have the Kaboom spirit.

You can look at a problem, and you can either go,

"Oh, this is a problem" or you can kaboom,

blow it up and turn it into something great.

You literally kaboom the problem.

Come on, people! I see more ground than playground!

-Kaboom.

-Don't do that.

One, two, three.

Man, this is tough.

Yeah, but just think of all the kids that'll swing on this swing,

fat kids, skinny kids, brainiacs, sluts,

the gay drama kids, goths, jocks, the alternative crowd.

Mmm-hmm.

Hey, Leslie. Hi.

Whoa. Ann.

What are you doing here?

Oh! I'm volunteering. I love to volunteer.

The key to volunteering?

A lot of pockets. For putting all the food in.

The Red Cross has amazing cookies.

I go there all the time. Meals On Wheels was a bonanza.

Suicide Hotline, surprisingly lame spread.

I thought I'd give back to those less fortunate than myself.

-You live in a pit.

-Not any more.

Living with the drummer of my band.

Living indoors. Pretty cool. Not to brag. Kind of hard not to.

Anyhow, got to go,

me and an old Asian lady are double-teaming some monkey bars.

So...

Hey, look. I got a remote control and I'm controlling you.

Go faster. Go faster. Go faster, Ron's the master.

Well. You have been officially kaboomed.

Whoa. Look at you two and your big kabooms.

Great job. I got gifts.

-Oh!

-There you go, for you.

-And one more for you.

-Thank you.

So, you guys gonna join us tomorrow in Muncie?

No, I wish, but back to the real world.

At least you guys will be kabooming somewhere, right?

Remember, you take a man kabooming, he kabooms for a day.

But you teach a man how to kaboom - kaboom, kaboom, kaboom.

Oh, I'm so pumped. Feel I could take on the world.

I could prep, like, a thousand diagnostic tests.

-In an hour!

-That's the spirit.

There it is, the pit.

-Hmm.

-There's something I wish I could kaboom.

Well, we are. It's just a slow-boom.

A slower, more deliberate kaboom.

Yeah. Totally.

-See you tomorrow.

-OK.

You know what this mess is?

This is a list of things we have to complete

before we fill in the pit behind Ann's house.

You know what this is? This is a kaboomer.

Jerry, did you use permanent marker again?

I'm sorry, guys, I...

-I just grabbed the wrong...

-This is a big...

-I grabbed the wrong...

-Open very big, Jerry.

OK. Forget it. Let's all pretend Jerry wasn't born.

And this is clean.

How do we speed up the process?

How do we...kaboom it?

Rules, codes, permits, red tape.

I never realised how frustrating it is to be in the government.

In my next life, I'm going into private industry.

Maybe strip mining.

OK, everybody take out their thinking caps and rip them up.

Then take out your doing caps, cos we're gonna do something today.

I've a couple of doing-caps in my wallet. I call 'em condoms.

Come on, Tom. Focus, please.

How do we cut through the red tape and get this pit filled in? Ideas?

We need to cut through the red tape, and get the pit filled in.

Yes, Tom. Good. OK, everybody else needs to participate.

Come on, guys. These suggestions aren't gonna suggest themselves.

Yes, Jerry.

This idea better be good.

-Ann?

-I support you.

Good.

You could petition to expedite the Architecture Review Board process.

Mark, buddy, you're not listening to me.

I want to kaboom it. OK?

Can I talk to you outside really quick?

Sure.

Mark's gonna help me, so thanks for nothing, Jerry.

Good job, Ann.

-So you really want to get this pit filled in?

-Yes.

And you'll do whatever it takes?

Mark, I am so sick of moving like a slug.

I want to move like a cheetah.

Or a slug driving a remote controlled car.

Something more plausible than that, but fast.

Would you break the rules?

I won't murder.

That's good to know. But it's actually very simple.

If you want to fill in the pit, just go fill it in.

Don't ask for permission, ask for forgiveness.

Oh, I like that. OK, wow.

So who gives me the go-ahead to not ask for permission

but ask for forgiveness? Is it Ron?

No, no. No. It's nobody. It's nobody, it's you.

You have to be bold.

OK.

OK, look.

You want to get the pit filled in?

Go rent a bulldozer and fill in the freaking pit.

Hey.

What's up?

Say you had a friend who wanted to do something good,

but a little risky, and she was kind of nervous about it,

and this friend is me. What should I do?

Mmm. You should do it, and you should ask your friend to help you,

because your friend totally has your back. And that friend is me.

You'll help me?

Of course, I'll do anything I can to help.

Let's do it.

OK.

What are we doing? Is it dangerous?

We're not gonna murder anyone.

It was crazy. I didn't get a single permit. Nobody stamped anything.

All I did was order a backhoe, and it came with a guy who runs it.

I've never rented a guy before.

I wish I knew about that during prom.

There was a girl at my prom who was known as "the back ho."

Mary Dunbar. She'd let anyone massage her back.

I'm so excited we're doing this.

And we're doing it without permission.

We're giving ourselves permission.

Look, I had these hard hats made.

Check it out - Kick, Ass.

-I'll take that one.

-OK.

Oh, my God, Ann, this is so cool!

-Do you feel giddy?

-Yeah.

I'm so proud of us.

Miss Montague, you ready?

I didn't want to tell him my real name, you know?

Yeah.

First, speech. Is important moment here.

We are about to fill this hole now, not with dirt,

but with the courage of a thousand lions

and the solemn memory of all of our friends

who have fallen in this cursed hole.

Dump it!

-Ugh! What the...

-BLEEP

-?

Andy?

I'm OK.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

MONITOR ALARM

Oh!

That beeping was sure annoying, but this is even more annoying.

I'll handle this.

The monitor is not a toy, Andy.

Anything is a toy if you play with it.

I'll chalk that up to your concussion.

The good news is your CAT scan's clear.

-Cool.

-Andy, I'm really happy you're OK.

Leslie was worried, too.

We should've checked before to see if you were home.

Oh, no, I told you. I moved out of the pit.

I just had to go back because I forgot my headphones.

Then I laid down on this really comfy tarp,

I saw an old cereal box I hadn't read before, so I must've drifted off.

Next thing you know...

Dirt.

Scooch up for one sec.

And back down. There you go.

Ah!

That is perfect. It's like I'm lying in a cloud.

This is awesome.

Ann and Andy, just like old times.

The pit works in mysterious ways.

I'm sorry about Andy, but I'm not sorry about what I did.

What's my crime? I got bold?

-And a little negligent?

-Knope!

My office! Now!

Hey. Can I smoke in here?

You don't smoke.

Just asking if I can.

Are you high?

I'm high on kaboom.

Don't ask for permission, ask for forgiveness.

That's right. You never did ask me for permission, did you?

Well, I'm sorry to burst your ka-bubble,

but I just had my ass ka-handed to me by the City Manager.

And now this entire department is ka-screwed.

Ron, I'm so, so, so sorry.

-What the ka-

-BLEEP

-were you thinking?

I would prefer that she ask me for my permission

so I can say no.

I like saying no.

It lowers their enthusiasm.

-Hello.

-So, I brought you some clean clothes

that I found at my house.

Oh, my God. My sexy sweater.

It has a hole cut out over the bicep. Thank you.

No problem.

No, A-Cakes, seriously, thank you.

You're welcome.

No. Thank you.

No, no, no, no, no. What... What are you...

What do you think is happening right now?

A tragic accident reignited feelings you thought were long dead,

and we are finally back together.

Andy, we're not back together.

You know that I'm kind of with Mark now.

Oh, God. Is that still happening?

I don't get it. What does he have that I don't have?

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Everything. He has, literally, everything you don't have.

A job, a car, a steady income, an address,

a second pair of shoes, table manners,

the ability to say "tampon" without giggling.

Mark has his life together.

I'll get you a different nurse.

It's awful what happened to Andy.

But sometimes when you make an omelette, you got to break a few eggs.

What's the alternative? No omelettes at all?

Who wants to live in that kind of world?

Maybe birds. Then all their babies would live.

Miss Knope? Miss Knope.

Hi. Scott Braddock, City Attorney.

Hey, Scott. I didn't know that you were friends with Andy.

I never met him.

What I do know is that he could sue us at the drop of a hat.

I mean, right now, he's the most dangerous man in Pawnee.

Is that all you lawyers think about? Lawsuits, and laws and legalese?

-Yes.

-Yeah, well, you can relax.

All I'm gonna do is go in and just say,

"We are so sorry, it's entirely our fault..."

No, no, no, no. You can't say any of that.

It admits liability. You can't say "I'm sorry," or "I apologise."

It implies guilt.

That's insane. I have to apologise.

-Andy was a victim...

-Can't say "victim."

..of an extremely unfortunate situation.

Can't say "unfortunate," and you can't say "situation."

I can't say the word "situation"?

No. It implies there was a situation.

Can I give him the pig?

Yeah, the pig's fine.

-Hi, Andy.

-Hi, Leslie.

I got this for you. Hope you squeal better.

Aw!

This is my friend Scott.

Hi, Scott.

Mmm-hmm.

Andy, I just wanted to say, I am so, so...

Mmm-mmm, mmm-mmm, mmm.

Filled with emotions, as any person would.

What?

No miming.

Uh...

You were in the pit.

We're not conceding that point.

You were in a place.

We're both here now.

-The government...

-No, no. No.

We got to go. What?

-Let's go.

-Why?

Wendell Adams. I'm Andrew's attorney.

Andy, no.

-It's my only option.

-Andy, stop.

I've advised my client not to speak with you.

He's suing the City of Pawnee.

Andy, you're suing your hometown?

Andy, no.

-Look, can we just talk about this?

-Leslie, no.

-This is terrible.

-Don't say "terrible."

Don't look back.

PIG MAKES STRANGE NOISES

RINGING TONE

"Hello?"

Andy, it's Leslie.

"Hello?"

Hello? Andy, it's Leslie.

-"Psych! Leave a message after the beep.

-(BEEP)"

Andy, it's Leslie. Look.

What did you mean when you said it's your only option?

I think we should talk. Without lawyers present.

If you wanna meet, just put a white chalk "X"

on the mailbox across the street from City Hall.

Or call me back. Just call me back.

Andy, why aren't you returning my calls?

Is it because of your lawyer? It's because of your lawyer.

-(MIMICS OLDER WOMAN)

-Hey, Andy, it's your aunt, your mom or dad's sister.

I don't know how to tell you this but your uncle has passed.

He's with Jesus now.

So we're having a memorial in 30 minutes at City Hall.

Free guitars at City Hall! Everybody run!

-(ROBOTIC VOICE)

-Because of a local disaster, you...Andy Dwyer...

must go to the evacuation centre at...Pawnee City Hall.

Hmm. That was weird.

How long have you been there?

I promise that Andy isn't suing just for the money.

Leslie, the man lived in a pit. OK?

He couldn't find a place to live on the Earth's surface,

so he went under the ground.

You're dealing with a grown man who thinks like a gopher.

I feel like if I could get past the lawyers and find out what's really going on,

I think I could get him to drop the lawsuit.

-ANDY: "Ann, is that you?"

-Hey.

We need to talk somewhere private.

Oh!

Baby, I'm back.

Thank you so...

-Why are you naked?

-Oh!

Well, because of what you said. We're getting back together.

-No, we're not!

-Yes, we are.

You should've heard the super sexy stuff she was saying to me.

I said, "Hey, Andy. It's Ann. Can we talk at my house?"

That's not how you said it. You were like,

"Hey, Andy. It's Ann. Can you talk at my house?"

My God, you are such a baby. Ugh! Literally.

Big, naked baby. Put clothes on.

You know what? I should have seen this coming.

Has he showed up naked before?

Oh, yeah. Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays. Good luck.

Where are you... Hey, Ann. Just...

None of your clothes fit me.

So I'm putting an apron over the front stuff.

Is she gone?

What did you mean when you said this was your only option?

Well, I'm completely broke,

and my lawyer said it could be worth upwards of 100,000.

I just can't believe that you're suing just for the money.

I want Ann back, and she said she really needs a guy with a lot of money.

That doesn't sound like Ann.

Well, I can't really do her voice,

but she said she likes Mark because he's a grown-up with a bank account.

I put two and two together -

100,000, I could probably get a bank account.

Sometimes, I think the right thing to do is to not take shortcuts.

I mean, look, I tried to fill in the pit, that didn't work either.

Fine. I'll get a job.

Ann will respect that.

I can make six bucks a day playing guitar on the street.

-I can't make six bucks a day.

-Wait a second.

I know I just said that maybe shortcuts are bad,

but I kind of just thought of an awesome shortcut.

Mr Dwyer, we're very happy that you're dropping the suit.

Yeah, it's really terrific.

-I have my conditions.

-No. Never.

I will not negotiate with greedy street people.

Wait, Leslie. Let's hear him out.

We planned this.

Ka-chick... Kaboom!

All right. What's it gonna take?

One, I want that pit filled in, sir!

Is there a two?

A guaranteed starting spot

in the Indianapolis Colts, inside linebacker.

Well, we can't accomplish that.

I think that Andy seems like he doesn't care so much

about the second one,

and he would be fine with us just filling in the pit.

What do you say, Scott?

Yeah. Eventually, we're gonna fill in the pit.

"Eventually"?

I've already been injured in that thing twice.

And I could fall in ten more times by "eventually."

Every time I walk past that pit,

I'm forced to relive the most traumatic two separate days of my life,

and wanna sue you again.

Well, I hate to say it,

but it really seems like Andy has us over a barrel here, Scott.

Yeah.

This is really happening. I just can't believe it.

Oh, sorry. Usually, in these situations, a person says "pinch me."

Is that Andy?

Ah, yeah. Just one of his conditions for the settlement, I guess.

-He settled?

-Yup.

Gave up 100,000 probably just for one thing,

the city fill in the pit behind your house.

Why?

Who knows?

Who knows why that gopher does what he does?

You always hated this pit!

Goodbye, pit. Hello, lot.

How does taking risks make me feel?

Amazing.

Tingling sensation throughout my whole body. I feel flushed.

My muscles are relaxed, yet I feel awake. Just waves of pleasure.

I wish there was something physical that could make me feel this way.

Wow, you did it.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

-There's so much more to do.

-My God, we're so close.

Yeah.

I'm gonna call Kaboom, and check on their availability for next year.

Great.

Information.

Hi, yes, I'd like the number for Kaboom,

the national playground building charity.

I hope they can work us in.

Sorry, there's no listing for that name.

What? Are you sure?

Kaboom is a word I made up. It's not in any dictionary.

I trick people into building playgrounds

on empty lots in their neighbourhoods.

It's an elaborate prank. For my next prank,

I'm going to build a hospital in a poor part of China.

They'll never see it coming!