Greg Pikitis Parks and Recreation


Greg Pikitis

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Greg Pikitis.

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You're the Parks lady, right?

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-Yeah, that's right.

-I'm the Parks lady.

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Leslie Knope. And I'm here to tell you that this year it ends.

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'Ugh, this kid makes me crazy.'

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We got a history, Greg and I.

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He absolutely terrorises the Parks system.

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Every Halloween, someone defaces the statue

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of Mayor Percy in Ramsett Park.

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And I know it's Greg Pikitis, but I've never been able to prove it.

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He's like an invisible, adolescent,

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James Bond super villain criminal mastermind.

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Or maybe someone else is doing it, but I really feel like it's this kid.

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I've got the entire Parks Department watching you,

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my boyfriend's a cop, so don't even try it.

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-I don't know what you're talking about.

-Oh, I think you do.

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It ends today, Pikitis. It ends.

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To...day.

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Thanks for stopping by, Leslie. You look great.

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Thank you. Ends today.

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Hey, Parks Department.

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Yay, Ann's here.

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Uh, just to remind you, tonight, 7.00, my house, in costume.

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Everybody in?

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-Yeah.

-Hm.

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Cool. OK.

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Halloween is my favourite holiday, it's just the best.

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And I don't have to work.

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Hey, slutty teenage girls dressed as sexy kittens,

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pump your own stomachs this year.

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Oh, one more thing, the people in this room now

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are the people I invited, plus Leslie and Donna, so don't tell anybody.

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-Who's not invited, then?

-Hey!

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What's going on, cupcake? Excited about the party tonight.

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Oh! Oh, you're coming? I...was just about to tell you.

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Jerry already told me.

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Can't wait to see how tiny your costume is.

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What time does it start?

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7.00.

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Perfect.

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Yeah, it's perfect.

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Check this out.

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These are all the possible routes from Greg Pikitis' house to the statue.

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That looks like something you would find on the wall of a serial killer.

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In a way, that's a compliment.

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-Shows dedication.

-Mmm.

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What's the big deal, anyway? I mean, a kid TPs some statue.

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And all the trees and all the benches.

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It takes us, like, ten days to clean his mess up.

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But more importantly, Greg Pikitis sucks, and I want to destroy him.

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OK. Well, if you destroy him early, please come by.

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I will.

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Hey! How is someone going to be able to get through that door?

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Oh.

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Oh! What the... Are you kidding me?

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Jerry! Relax. Here.

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Uh, William Percy. One of Pawnee's greatest mayors.

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And a true hero. During the Pawnee Bread Factory fire of 1922,

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he ran back into a burning building

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and saved the beloved secret recipe for Pawnee Pumpernickel.

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Didn't, like, 30 people die in that fire?

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He wasn't Superman.

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He looks like Ron Swanson. Is that who this is based on?

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No. It's based on William Percy.

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Were you listening to what I just said?

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Yes.

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OK, Andy. Good news.

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You're officially on the Parks Department payroll.

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Eight dollars an hour.

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Commit this to memory.

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You see him, you stop him.

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Knock his head off if you have to.

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-Don't do that.

-Don't do that.

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But I give you permission to use excessive force.

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Don't use excessive force.

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Don't go overboard.

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Just stop him. By any means necessary.

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-No.

-No.

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Just stop him.

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You know what I mean.

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A week ago, I had nothing.

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Now, I have a part-time job. I'm going to make 32 bucks tonight.

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I owe Leslie everything I have.

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Which, after tonight, will be 39 bucks.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Hello, Ann.

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Hey!

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Am I early?

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Nope, you are right on time.

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I like your costume.

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Oh, thanks. Raggedy Ann. It was one of my favourite books when I was a kid.

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Hm.

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I'm a pirate.

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Right.

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Oh. Hey, Dr Harris. How are you?

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-Ann.

-Thanks.

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Um, this is Ron Swanson, from the Parks Department.

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I know him from that thing that I'm doing. This is Dr Harris.

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-You're a doctor.

-Yup.

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I meant your costume.

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I got it.

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Worlds colliding, always awkward.

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8.22pm. Suspect still with friends in parking lot.

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He looks obnoxious and irritating, even from a great distance.

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Uh, confirmed.

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Normally, I hate working on Halloween,

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but it's nice hanging out with Leslie.

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You know, she's focused, she's committed...

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and she made out with me in my cop car, which is pretty neat.

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I shouldn't have said that. That's clear to me now.

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TAPPING ON WINDOW

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Hey, guys.

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Hey. Remember my boyfriend Derek, and his boyfriend Ben?

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Yeah, hi. It's totally OK that you didn't wear a costume.

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I did. I'm a straight person.

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Hey, sorry I'm late.

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See?

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Sorry it's a little bit lame right now, but we'll get it going.

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I passed up a gay Halloween party to be here.

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Do you know how much fun gay Halloween parties are?

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Last year, I saw three Jonas Brothers

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make out with three Robert Pattinsons.

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It was amazing.

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So, you're the Mark that Ann is dating.

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I suppose that I am.

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We're very protective of Ann. We look out for her.

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So, you kind of dropped the ball with Andy, then, didn't you?

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Aw! Andy.

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I loved Andy.

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Ah, such a sweetheart. Is Andy coming tonight?

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You should get back with Andy.

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Who needs a drink? I do.

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Suspect laughing with friends and playing with his stupid skateboard

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in a snide, turdish manner.

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Turdish?

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Yes. Like a turd.

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Like a little turd.

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Hey, listen, your scare tactics clearly worked.

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You got Andy guarding the statue.

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Why don't we go to Ann's party?

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It'll be fun.

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Oh. Uh... We wanted to cover that block anyway.

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Wanted a police presence on it,

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so, this is within the... confines of...

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Sure, let's go.

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-Yeah? OK.

-Yeah. We'll go by my office and pick up my costume.

-Got it.

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Can't we just fire a warning shot over his head as we drive by?

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No, babe. Don't touch that.

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Leaving location. Look at stupid suspect.

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I hate suspect.

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Where are my keys?

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Looks like it's open.

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-Really?

-Yeah.

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Pikitis!

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We've been tailing that kid for a couple of hours.

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I mean, it must have been somebody else.

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It was Pikitis.

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Believe me now?

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That doesn't mean anything to me.

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This is a peach pit.

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OK.

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He was eating a peach when I went to go talk to him.

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-Mm-hm?

-This is his ace of spades.

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This is his calling card. This is what he leaves all his victims.

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And it's still warm. OK, go and arrest him. And send this to the lab.

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We don't have a lab.

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Hi, April.

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OK, you're underage.

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-You're not.

-Hey.

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Yeah, I'm going to leave.

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Oh. OK.

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-This isn't that fun.

-Didn't need to tell me that.

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I'm going to take this home. Nobody was drinking it, so I'm going to take it.

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-OK.

-Going to take this, too.

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Been meaning to read it.

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OK, this isn't strictly legal.

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We can talk to him for maybe an hour, and then I have to let him go.

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You talk to him first. You have a scary face.

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-Hey.

-No, in a good way.

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-Scary cute.

-Yeah?

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-Go talk to him.

-OK.

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I didn't do this, man. I promise.

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Now, son, I'm a police officer. OK? You shouldn't lie to me.

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I'm not. I've never been here before.

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And why would I do this?

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Because you've had run-ins with Miss Knope in the past.

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PHONE RINGS

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Just a second.

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-Yeah?

-Ask him about the peach pit.

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This isn't one-way glass, you know. I can see you.

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You know, I like Knope.

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I screw with her cos she gets all riled up,

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and her face gets all scrunched up like this.

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But I like her. She's all right.

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-You see?

-What?

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I spent the whole day decorating this place,

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and everybody's in the kitchen.

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Why is everyone always in the kitchen?

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I think it's going fine.

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It's so quiet.

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Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

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This is a total failure. This party is a failure.

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-Oh, my God.

-No, no.

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It's not a failure, Ann. Come on.

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Ann, do you have any Mounds? Because all I can find are Almond Joys.

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And almonds give me the squirts.

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Hey, I'm here. Statue's fine.

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"Crappy Hallowieners." That's hilarious. Where's the kid?

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In the conference room. Trying to hide his obvious guilt.

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Leslie, I don't know what to tell you. I don't think he did it.

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Yeah, he did. And we need a confession.

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OK. Andy and I are going to take a walk.

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And it's going to be just you, Pikitis, and these pliers.

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Look, I'm not going to torture this kid.

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Nobody said torture.

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Why don't you let me take a run at him, boss?

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In order to think like one of these guys, you have to think like them.

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Yeah. He's never seen you before.

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So imply that you're someone very important

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and that you can make his life hell.

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Greg Pikitis?

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Would you like some boiling hot coffee in your face?

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My name is Bert Macklin.

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I'm with the (BLEEP) FBI.

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Ooh. Are these the same kind of chips?

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Ann! What's up, gorgeous!

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-Perfect.

-Get your raggedy ass over here, girl.

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Hey, Tom. Mad Hatter?

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T-Pain, baby!

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# She poppin' She rollin' She rollin'

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# She climbin' that pole and I'm in love with a stripper. #

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This is not a stripper. It's my wife, Wendy. You remember her?

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-Hi. Thank you so much for inviting us.

-Yes, hi. Sure.

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She's a surgeon at County General, and she's super hot.

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Well, thank you for being a doctor

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and not coming dressed as a doctor.

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Oh, my God. Who'd be boring enough to do that?

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Ann, what happened here? Did you tell everyone

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they're going to have to get a bone marrow transplant tomorrow?

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They look miserable. This party's a disaster.

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-No, it's not.

-Yes, it is.

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-Don't worry about it. We can fix this.

-Totally.

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Give us a second.

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-Looks like Andy's wearing him down.

-Shut up!

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I'm going to go finish him off.

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That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

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-Why don't you just shut up for a second?

-What's going on in here?

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He's a jerk. He's being such a jerk.

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That's an awful thing to say to a human being!

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Are you crying?

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No, I am not crying, OK?

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I'm allergic to jerks!

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OK. Andy, out.

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Fine, and I don't even care! It's stupid.

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OK. The gloves are coming off.

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-What's that?

-I think you know what that is.

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When I came to visit you at the school, you were eating a peach.

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Then my office gets vandalised,

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and somebody leaves a peach pit on my desk?

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I don't think that's a coincidence, Greg.

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Wow, you nailed me.

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I mean, there's no way that two different people

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could have eaten the same fruit

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in the same day, in the same area of Indiana.

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Never mind that I was actually eating a plum when you saw me earlier.

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I know you did this. I don't care what you say.

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I don't care that you were in the parking lot all night.

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-Somehow you found a way to get in here...

-Wait, wait, wait.

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How did you know that I was in the parking lot all night?

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Because I followed you, genius!

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If you followed me all night, then you know that it wasn't me.

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Knope, what is your problem?

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Look, I have been very civil.

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But I will waterboard you.

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No, no.

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I don't think she would make a good cop.

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I would be frightened to live in a town

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that she's the cop of, frankly.

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What are you doing?

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Ann, do you want me to liven things up or not?

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-Course I do.

-All right, then relax.

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And turn off all the lights that don't have coloured bulbs.

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MUSIC PLAYS

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All right, y'all! Take the pigs in the blanket and put them to sleep!

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It's time to get wild!

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Get this furniture out of here, y'all, we're making a dance floor.

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Come on, y'all. Put the turkey wraps down. We're about to get wild.

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Ron Swanson's in the building, y'all!

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His mom's going to be here soon. Please, Dave, just arrest him.

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On what charge?

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Just handcuff him to something.

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Greggy? Greg!

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-Gregsy!

-Mom!

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Mrs Pikitis? Hi, I'm Leslie Knope, this is Officer Sanderson.

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Bert Macklin, FBI.

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What the hell do you think you're doing? You can't just hold a 16-year-old kid against his will.

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Well, we were trying to question him about this vandalism.

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-Do you have any evidence?

-Yes.

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-No. No. We don't.

-Two words, peach pit.

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-Peach pit?

-His DNA is all over it, I assume.

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-We don't know that.

-We can get it tested.

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-We can't.

-And if it matches your DNA,

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-then you're going away for a long time.

-It won't.

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Is this a joke?

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-No.

-I'm calling your shift commander.

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Monday morning, I am calling your boss.

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I don't know who to call about you.

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The President of the United States of America.

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Fine. And if any of you ever come near my son again,

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I swear to God I will sue you and everyone in this building.

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Come on, honey.

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Let them think they've lost us. Then we're...

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Where are you going?

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I have to go tell my boss why I illegally detained a teenager.

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I shouldn't have gotten involved with this. It's just... It's just bad police work.

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Yeah, it was bad FBI work, too. My bad.

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Tonight, the "T" in T-Pain stands for Tom Haverford!

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Nurses versus doctors. On my mark,

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three, two, one. Go!

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-Vodka!

-Go!

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Son. That is one hell of a costume.

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Thanks.

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Damn, that's good. Nice party.

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Thanks.

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Why would anyone do this?

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Kids are kids. Everybody does stupid stuff like this in high school.

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I didn't.

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Yeah, but you were probably a nerd, though, huh?

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-Hey.

-Leslie, I mean that in a good way.

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Look at you now. You're the coolest person I've ever met.

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I even met John Cougar Mellencamp once.

0:15:150:15:17

Andy, why don't you go home? I'll finish cleaning this up.

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No way. I mean, you got me a job

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and you're helping me turn my life around.

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I go home when you go home.

0:15:240:15:25

Uh, it's city planning. It's mostly like regulating things

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and just making sure people obey the city code.

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You want to get out of here? Go back to my place?

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What? No. I'm dating Ann.

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Good. That was a test. You passed.

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Let's celebrate you passing the test, over a drink, at my place.

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No. Still no.

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You passed the second test. But we're still watching you.

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So, you want to get out of here, go back to my place?

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Hey. Ron.

0:16:040:16:06

Hello, Wendy.

0:16:060:16:08

Well, you and Tom really turned the party around.

0:16:080:16:10

We have a good time together.

0:16:100:16:13

Tom told me that you know about our green card marriage.

0:16:130:16:18

And I just want to say thank you for not telling anyone.

0:16:180:16:22

No worries. I'd hate for you to have to go back to Canada.

0:16:240:16:28

All that socialised medicine up there.

0:16:300:16:34

Wendylicious. Where have you been?

0:16:340:16:36

I was just thanking Ron. For, you know, not telling anyone.

0:16:360:16:40

Oh, yeah. Thank you. That was cool of you.

0:16:400:16:42

You know, you won't have to keep it a secret much longer,

0:16:420:16:44

because in a few months we can split up without raising any eyebrows.

0:16:440:16:47

And we'll invite you to the divorce party.

0:16:470:16:50

Huh, maybe Greg is innocent.

0:16:520:16:54

If that's the case, then there's another kid out there

0:16:540:16:56

who's tormenting me.

0:16:560:16:57

Maybe.

0:16:570:16:59

I believe that you're innocent until proven guilty in this country.

0:16:590:17:02

That's the cornerstone of democracy.

0:17:020:17:04

Sure.

0:17:040:17:05

On the other hand, Greg Pikitis is a little punk.

0:17:070:17:10

And I kind of want to TP his house.

0:17:100:17:11

Let's do it.

0:17:110:17:13

Wait, wait! Wait, wait! This is fun! This is fun! What do I do?

0:17:140:17:18

You just grab the toilet paper,

0:17:180:17:20

unroll it a little bit like this, and throw it on the tree.

0:17:200:17:23

This is for Mayor Percy! This is for the Parks Department office!

0:17:230:17:26

This is for pooping on the handball court!

0:17:260:17:28

Yeah! This is really fun! But I don't condone it!

0:17:320:17:35

-Bye, guys.

-Bye.

0:17:390:17:40

You're the man, Swanson. Thanks for coming.

0:17:400:17:43

Ann!

0:17:430:17:44

Dude. Thank you so much.

0:17:440:17:47

-I don't even know what to say.

-Don't mention it.

0:17:470:17:49

Also, Tom, your wife is super cool. So, well done.

0:17:490:17:53

Yeah, she's pretty great, right?

0:17:530:17:55

Yeah. I don't know how you landed that chick, but she's awesome.

0:17:550:17:58

-Nice work.

-You're lucky.

0:17:580:17:59

-Hi, you ready to go?

-Yes.

0:17:590:18:01

-All right. Thank you so much. We had so much fun.

-Bye, thank you.

0:18:010:18:04

About to head home and have crazy sex.

0:18:040:18:07

That's cool. I don't...

0:18:070:18:08

Yeah!

0:18:080:18:09

SIREN

0:18:110:18:12

Five-O! Five-O!

0:18:120:18:13

I see you in there, Andy.

0:18:160:18:18

Leslie? What are you doing?

0:18:180:18:21

Oh, boy.

0:18:220:18:23

That's them, Officer! Right there!

0:18:240:18:26

Oh, my God. Oh, no.

0:18:260:18:28

I'm so sorry, I think we have the wrong house.

0:18:280:18:30

Why are you doing this?

0:18:300:18:32

It's really hard to explain, but we were trying to get revenge on this kid, Greg Pikitis,

0:18:320:18:35

and we thought this was his house, but I guess we got the address wrong.

0:18:350:18:37

I'm Greg's mom.

0:18:370:18:38

-You are?

-Yes.

0:18:390:18:41

Oh.

0:18:410:18:43

Did he hire a fake mom again, to get him out of trouble?

0:18:430:18:46

-What?

-Whenever he gets in trouble,

0:18:460:18:47

he goes on Craigslist and hires a woman

0:18:470:18:49

to play his mother and bail him out.

0:18:490:18:51

Oh, that little S-O-B!

0:18:510:18:53

Greg! Gregory!

0:18:530:18:55

I knew it!

0:18:560:18:57

Oh, my God!

0:18:570:18:59

Dude. That kid is amazing.

0:18:590:19:01

He's not in his room. I don't know where he is.

0:19:030:19:06

I do.

0:19:070:19:08

Make sure you... I need more, man.

0:19:080:19:11

Hey!

0:19:110:19:12

-Let them go!

-Yeah!

0:19:130:19:14

Stay on the leader!

0:19:140:19:16

Cut it!

0:19:160:19:17

I am going to wring your neck!

0:19:190:19:21

How did you get into the Parks Department? I have to know.

0:19:210:19:23

Maybe the FBI can figure it out.

0:19:230:19:25

I'm not even in the FBI, stupid.

0:19:250:19:28

-Wow, you're amazing.

-Hey!

0:19:280:19:31

-You're going to jail for a very long time.

-You can't...

0:19:310:19:33

He's not going to go to jail, you know.

0:19:330:19:34

-He's a minor.

-Well, we'll let the jury decide.

0:19:340:19:36

There's not going to be a jury...

0:19:360:19:38

Then the judge will decide where he goes.

0:19:380:19:40

Look. He's going to do probation,

0:19:400:19:41

-he's a minor...

-Dave, just let me have this.

0:19:410:19:43

Wow. Nice work, Knope.

0:19:430:19:45

Yeah. That is amazing.

0:19:450:19:46

Thanks. But the thing that's driving me nuts is, how did he do it?

0:19:460:19:50

If you destroy him early, please come by.

0:19:510:19:53

I will.

0:19:530:19:55

How is someone going to be able to get through that door?

0:19:550:19:57

Oh! What the... Are you...

0:19:570:19:59

'I mean, we were here all afternoon. How did he get in?

0:19:590:20:02

'First of all, we always lock the doors when we leave.

0:20:030:20:06

'And Dave and I tailed Pikitis

0:20:060:20:08

'from the moment he left his house at 7.00pm

0:20:080:20:11

'to the moment we came back here.

0:20:110:20:14

'Does he have a look-alike or something?

0:20:140:20:16

'Did he have an accomplice? I mean, did he have help?

0:20:160:20:18

'How did that little turd do it?'

0:20:220:20:24

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