Ron and Tammy Parks and Recreation

"Thank you, Old Gus, for brightening our lives,

"our hearts, and most importantly, our shoes."

This truly is a day of mixed emotions for me.

I'm sad that Old Gus is leaving,

but it allows me to help Andy restart his life

as Pioneer Hall's new shoeshine guy.

Well, I've been listening to your boring speeches

for the last 50 years,

and now it's time for you to listen to one of mine.

LAUGHTER

You know, a day like this makes a man reflect upon his life,

and I've come to the conclusion that I've completely wasted mine.

MUTED LAUGHTER

And just for the record, I never ever liked being called "Old Gus."

I didn't understand it when I was in my 20s, and I sure hate it now.

So go to hell, every single one of you.

Screw Pawnee, and screw your damn shoes.

Oh, God. That's classic.

So, I propose that we change our name from

the Sub-committee for Pit Beautification

to the Sub-committee for Lot Beautification.

April, stop that. Who are you texting?

You.

Aw. She's texting me.

I'm sorry you're bored.

Uh, hey, everyone. Oh, hey, Ann.

Leslie, can I talk to you for a minute?

Fine. Tom, you're in charge.

Keep the momentum going. Keep these minds working.

Absolutely, chief. OK.

Would you rather be able to fly, or speak fluent French?

Donna, go.

French.

I don't want to freak you out,

but another department filed a planning claim for Lot 48.

Who?

No.

Yeah.

Damn it. The library?

Pawnee's library department is the most diabolical,

ruthless bunch of bureaucrats I've ever seen.

They're like a biker gang,

but instead of shotguns and crystal meth,

they use political savvy and shushing.

It's going to be OK. It's not a done deal.

Yeah, you're right. Thanks for pulling me out of there.

I need a good plan, though. You know, I don't want to cause a panic.

Newsflash, we're screwed. We got a big problem with the library.

Punk-ass book jockeys.

Wait. Why do we hate the library?

The library is the worst group of people ever assembled in history.

They're mean, conniving, rude, and extremely well read,

which makes them very dangerous.

And they're trying to steal Lot 48 for a new branch.

What? Get out of here!

-Yeah. Yeah.

-On 48?

I actually think a library would be nice that close to my house.

-Let's bring the library down!

-Yeah.

But I'm not about to say that in there.

A new branch? Jerks.

You're kidding. Oh, I hate them.

OK. We need to make contact with someone there.

Does anybody know anybody that works at the library?

Well, we actually kind of do.

The new Deputy Director of the department is Tammy Swanson.

Ron's ex-wife? That's terrific.

Or is that awful? I mean, he hates her, but he knows her.

Everything's OK. Or is it just the same?

Leslie, you're thinking out loud again.

Am I? I am.

Of course. That bitch of an ex-wife is working for the library now.

That is perfect.

The worst person in the world working at the worst place in the world.

I have to go talk to her. And you got to give me something I can use.

Does she have any weaknesses?

No.

What do you mean, no? Everybody has a weakness.

Not machines. I honestly believe that she was programmed by someone from the future

to come back and destroy all happiness.

I see. I knew that you had two ex-wives named Tammy,

so I was hoping that there was one that you got along with and...

Nope. I hate them both.

On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rushed to my side,

so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.

Would I get married again? Oh, absolutely.

If you don't believe in love, what's the point of living?

I'm just looking forward to a thoughtful debate with Tammy

about the relative merits of parks versus libraries.

And in case something bad goes down, I wore my sharpest rings.

This one will tear you up.

Hello?

Hi. I'm Leslie Knope. I called a little while ago.

You have a lot of nerve showing your face here.

Excuse me?

You have overdue book fees totaling 3, missy.

That is so typical. I should have known you'd use a low blow,

dirty pool BS move like that.

No...

That's why everybody hates the library. Here's your 3.

Leslie, no...

And I'll see you in hell.

Leslie, Leslie, Leslie. I'm just kidding.

My gosh, I mean, you did have 3 worth of fines, but I cleared them.

We government gals have to watch each other's backs, right?

I know this is a trap. But I don't know how.

OK. Did you talk to Ron?

Ron tends to exaggerate when it comes to me.

I swear I don't have cloven feet.

Please. Sit down.

Shine, shine, shine your shoes.

What do you say, sir? Ma'am? Shoeshine?

I won't look up your skirt.

Ann. Whoa. Oh, my gosh.

Crazy. What are you doing? It's me. It's Andy.

Hi, Andy.

So, Ann, how you been?

Good. Yeah, Leslie told me you were working here now.

Yeah, I just joined the rat race. Chasing the cheese.

Racing the rats, trying to get the cheese.

Enough technical business talk. You look ravishing.

Not a lot of customers, huh?

Yeah, business is a little slow.

It is definitely due to the economy.

I've been hearing a lot of people say that a lot about a lot of stuff.

Whoa, Mark. You want those shoes shined?

I'll give you a discount because you're a friend of Ann's.

Well, I'm more than a friend of Ann's.

Not for long.

Sorry?

I don't know. At least he finally has a real job.

When we were dating, the only job he had

was sending audition tapes to Survivor and Deal or No Deal.

Hi, my name is Andy Dwyer,

and I would be a perfect contestant for Deal or No Deal.

I want it to be a perfect park

with a state-of-the-art swing set,

and basketball courts, and off to the side,

a lovely sitting area for kids with asthma to watch other kids play.

Wow. If I'd had a park like that when I was growing up,

I probably wouldn't have gone through such a prolonged mall-slut phase.

Well, that's the goal, Tammy.

Listen, you guys got there first.

I'm going to withdraw my request for the lot,

as a professional courtesy to you.

Government gals, right?

Government gals.

So you talked to Tammy?

What's it like to stare into the eye of Satan's butthole?

She's changed, Ron. She's a different person.

I think it would be healthy for you to get a sense of closure.

Look at Mark and me. We slept together.

We talked about it, we're still friends.

You slept with Brendanawicz?

No.

Look, Tammy and I don't work. We are oil and water.

Or oil, and TNT, and C-4, and a detonator, and a butane torch.

Nothing good will come...

Wait.

She's here, isn't she?

Hi, Ron.

Tammy.

Good. Good start.

I'm sorry about this, but I just really want to talk to you.

Couldn't we go have a cup of coffee?

Let's get this over with.

Thanks, Ron. It means a lot.

You're a miracle worker.

Oh.

Do you know what you just did?

Yes, Donna. I got two people to put aside years of hostility

and open a door to the possibility of friendship.

You were not here when Ron and Tammy got divorced. I was.

Those two are crazy.

Yeah. And you just opened the gates to Crazytown.

Frankly, I think Ron was acting like a baby, a little bit.

I mean, what is he afraid of? Tammy's just a woman.

A nice woman. You know, she's not a murderer.

She's not a dragon.

It's really good to see you, Ron.

You've aged horribly.

You son of a bitch.

That didn't take long.

Oh, my God. What is your problem? Nothing's changed, has it?

Who set the bed on fire, huh?

Excuse me, folks.

I did! OK?! Is that what you want to hear?

Please, folks.

We're fine. We're fine.

OK. I'm so sorry.

Fine. Take it easy.

Oh, my God.

When you meddle in someone's personal life,

it's just so rewarding.

Oh, God, yes. Oh, God.

Oh, wow. Yeah.

Sir. Ma'am.

Oh, God.

Oh, yes. Baby. Gun it.

The usual place.

TYRES SCREECH

# Have Gun Will Travel reads the card of a man

# A knight without armour in a savage land. #

Good morning, Jerry. That is a beautiful sweater vest.

April. You look like you could use 20. Am I right?

Why?

Cos you're a kid, and kids always need money.

I need money.

Ha! That's why you're my favourite, Tom.

'When Tiger Woods feels invincible, he wears a red shirt and black pants.'

Good morning, Deputy!

Ron wears the same thing after he's had sex.

I'm a simple man.

I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.

But this stock photo I bought at a framing store isn't real.

Today, I got the real thing.

A naked Tammy made me breakfast this morning.

I should have taken a picture of it.

Hey, Tom. What's up?

My girlfriend's ex is working 100 feet away from my desk,

and he's been pretty clear about wanting her back.

What do I do with that?

Mmm. That's a tough one.

You should break up with her, and tell her to go out with me.

That's good. Can I ask you another question?

Why did I come to you for advice?

OK. I think you should play this one cool, man.

Be the grown-up. Take the high road.

Yeah.

Ann's a classy chick.

If you get down in the mud, you're just going to lose her respect.

You've just made a surprising amount of sense, Tom. Thank you.

I've never taken the high road. But I tell other people to.

Cos then there's more room for me on the low road.

So, how did your coffee with Tammy go?

Leslie, I can't thank you enough

for sticking your nose where it didn't belong.

I knew it. So what did you guys talk about? Old times?

Oh, I love talking about old times. New times are great, too,

but there's just something about old times, you know what I mean?

We didn't talk. We made love.

Oh, my. Mmm. Good.

Well, spare me the details. I'm just happy.

It was so intense, I didn't know where my flesh stopped

and hers began. You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Our marriage was always a complete disaster, but we did have that.

The two of us. It's like doing peyote and sneezing, slowly, for six hours.

This seems like a private matter, but I'm so...

That woman really knows her way around a penis.

OK. Well, I'm happy that it went well and that you enjoyed your coffee.

I truly believe that everyone should be friends with their exes.

I can't even tell you how many of my exes' weddings I've been to.

They're reading their old divorce papers.

"Three fistfuls of hair." That's not even possible.

Well, I'm too classy to say "I told you so," Donna.

So I wrote it on a Post-it.

Leslie.

Why don't you take the rest of the day off?

I mean, you spend so much time worrying about this park,

but really, who cares?

I care. I care a lot. It's kind of my thing, remember?

But at the end of the day, what does it matter

if the lot becomes a park, or a museum, or a megachurch?

Or a library.

Nobody said "library."

Ron, have you been talking to Tammy about the lot?

No.

I swear on a grave.

Oh, my God. Ron, tell me the truth.

Are you giving her the lot?

Not giving.

We have discussed a trade.

For what?

More...

Excuse me?

More sex.

Ugh!

Tammy, can I speak with you for a second?

I know what you're doing. You don't care about Ron.

You're just using him to get Lot 48 for your library.

Leslie, that's crazy. And correct.

Why are you doing this?

Les, there are two kinds of women in this world.

There are women who work hard and stress out about doing the right thing.

And then there are women who are cool.

You could either be a Cleopatra or you could be an Eleanor Roosevelt.

I'd rather be Cleopatra.

What kind of lunatic would want to be Cleopatra over Eleanor Roosevelt?

Haven't you ever messed with a man's head

just to see what you could get him to do for you?

We do it all the time in the Library Department.

You should come join us sometime.

I would never work at the Library Department.

I'm going to tell Ron what you just said,

and this little game that you're playing is going to be over.

Okeydoke.

Yeah, you better run.

We're no longer government gals.

Look, we need to talk.

Ron, no.

The Planning Department Re-prioritization Document?

Calm down, I haven't signed it yet.

Yeah, well, you're going to.

Because Tammy wants you to, and you do everything that she wants.

She made some really good points about libraries.

Are you even listening to yourself? You're defending the library now?

Ron, the library?

Of all the horrifying, miserable things in the world?

Some people like libraries.

I can't even believe what I'm hearing.

"Some people like libraries." Ron, she's in your head.

You said that she was a manipulative monster, and you were right.

No. No. Tammy's changed.

Look me in the eye and tell me that she's changed.

Look me in the eye.

I'm so screwed, Knope.

-Her hooks are in my brain.

-Yep.

She has all the power and I have nothing.

I'm so little.

Why don't you just break up with her?

I don't think I can.

We would just end up naked,

and I'd give her your lot, and my house, and God knows what else.

I have no control over my actions.

It's like she's crawled up inside of me.

Oh, God, Ron, I don't want to hear about your disgusting sex any more.

OK? Now sack up.

You are Ron freaking Swanson.

Not around her, I'm not.

It took years of intense, focused hatred to get over her,

and now I've undone all that great work.

You've got to help me break up with her.

I don't think I should get involved in this.

Oh, now you don't want to get involved?

"It's just coffee, Ron." "She's changed, Ron."

"I let Mark nail me and we're still friends."

OK. I would never use those words.

I never said... Point taken.

Let's go dump your ex.

Thank you.

So, would you like to be in the room when I tell her it's over, or would you rather wait outside?

In the room. I don't want her to think I'm a wimp.

Here're the ground rules. Don't talk to her.

Do not make eye contact with her. Don't believe anything she says.

Just sit there, like a potted plant. Can you do that?

Come on.

Do you have any tong...

Mark!

Hey. Donna.

So, how's the shoeshine game?

I'm on a break, one of the many advantages of owning your own business.

You know that's not your situation, right?

Yeah. Listen, Donna.

Quick question. Ann is trying to decide between Mark and myself.

No, she's not, actually.

If you had to choose, who would you choose? Right now, on the spot.

I'm not sure. Why don't you spin around for me?

You know what? Can we talk privately?

Sure.

Just out here.

Mmm.

Andy.

So, Tammy, for that and many other reasons,

Ron has decided to end this relationship.

Wait a minute. Ron brought you here to break up with me for him?

She volunteered.

Leslie, Ron doesn't want to break up with me.

What Ron wants to do is leave here right now,

go to the sleaziest motel in town,

and wrap himself around me like a coiled snake.

No, he doesn't.

I'm pretty sure he does.

See? He's completely over you.

Look, I understand that this Ann situation is awkward.

But I like you a lot as a dude.

And I just hope that there is some way

that we can both be mature, and maybe be friends.

Yeah. I doubt it.

I mean, I think you're a cool dude, too. I like you as well.

But I'm still in love with Ann.

I couldn't have been more upfront about that.

Is punching allowed on the high road?

I'm sorry, Leslie.

She wins.

I can't resist her.

God, Ron, you have to.

Stay out of this. This is our relationship.

He's my man. And we have something twisted and beautiful.

Oh.

You want Ron. That's what this is all about.

No. That's insane.

Fine, I had one dream. But no, no.

Baby, don't you see what's happening here?

She's manipulating you because she's jealous of me,

and the things I get to do to your body and face.

I'm here because Ron is my friend,

and I don't like seeing my friends miserable.

And you, Tammy, you make him miserable.

So, Ron, you can give her the lot, or don't, whatever.

Just, please, find a way to be happy.

Knope. Wait.

Ron, it's OK. Just sign the thing.

No, Leslie, it's not OK. You just put my needs in front of your own.

No woman has ever done that for me before.

I'm sure that's not true.

You see the kind of women that I choose, right?

Look, just wait for me downstairs.

If I'm not down in five minutes,

it's only because I'm receiving a pleasure so intense...

Oh, my God.

What the hell are you doing?

"Andy and Ann's Family Shoeshine"?

Andy, Ann, I thought it had a nice ring to it.

Oh, my God. Look, Mark has been really cool about all this,

and you're throwing it in his face.

Look, I still have feelings for you. OK?

I said it. What do you want me to do?

Not mention those feelings to your boyfriend?

-Yes.

-Yes.

And you might want to take these pictures down.

Oh, my God. Take those pictures down.

What? Fine.

All of them!

I'm going to.

Now. Oh, my God.

Give me the bikini one.

The teeny one?

Bikini one.

You didn't give her the lot.

Let's get out of here.

Is part of your moustache missing?

Yes. Just keep walking.

There's a pushpin in your face.

Leave it in.

Can't you walk faster?

My legs are shorter than yours.

Mmm.

We had a good run.

Thank you for saving my future park.

I know that must've been hard for you.

You didn't kill Tammy, did you?

I'm afraid she can't be killed.

To exes. May they always stay that way.

Tammy is a mean person.

Come on, Ron. You can do better than that.

She's a grade-A bitch.

There we go.

Every time she laughs, an angel dies.

Even telemarketers avoid her.

Her birth was payback for the sins of man.

But you know the worst thing about her?

She works for the library.

She works for the library.