Browse content similar to Ron and Tammy: Part Two. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
Line | From | To | |
---|---|---|---|
Ron? Jack Cooper, from the controller's office. Got a second? | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
-Sure, what can I do you for? -Frankly, this is a little awkward. | 0:00:04 | 0:00:07 | |
We've received this letter from a collection agency | 0:00:07 | 0:00:10 | |
about an outstanding debt from the Pawnee Public Library. | 0:00:10 | 0:00:13 | |
-It appears you have an overdue book. -Oh, do I? | 0:00:13 | 0:00:16 | |
"It's Not the Size of the Boat: Embracing Life with a Micro-Penis." | 0:00:16 | 0:00:20 | |
Tammy. | 0:00:21 | 0:00:23 | |
My ex-wife Tammy likes to check in every so often | 0:00:23 | 0:00:26 | |
and make sure I'm doing OK. | 0:00:26 | 0:00:28 | |
-And if I am, she tries to -BLEEP -everything up. | 0:00:28 | 0:00:32 | |
OK, I pre-dialled 911, so all you have to do is press send. | 0:00:32 | 0:00:35 | |
-You're worrying over nothing. -If she binds your hands | 0:00:35 | 0:00:37 | |
and you can't reach your phone, just try to chew yourself free. | 0:00:37 | 0:00:40 | |
Whale tale. Whale tale. | 0:00:42 | 0:00:44 | |
She's flashing a whale tale. Abort. Abort. | 0:00:44 | 0:00:46 | |
Hello, Tammy. | 0:00:46 | 0:00:48 | |
Oh. Hello, Ron. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:50 | |
I didn't see you come in. | 0:00:50 | 0:00:51 | |
I was just checking myself for scoliosis. | 0:00:51 | 0:00:53 | |
-And? -Straight as an arrow. | 0:00:53 | 0:00:56 | |
Just like somebody else I know. | 0:00:56 | 0:00:58 | |
Jerky? | 0:00:58 | 0:00:59 | |
Call off the dogs. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:01 | |
You and I both know that, in my entire adult life, | 0:01:01 | 0:01:04 | |
I have never checked a book out of the library. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:08 | |
Oh, my God, she's amazing. | 0:01:08 | 0:01:10 | |
HE LAUGHS Ooh... Mmm. | 0:01:10 | 0:01:13 | |
I admit there was a time when that sort of behaviour | 0:01:13 | 0:01:15 | |
would've driven me wild. | 0:01:15 | 0:01:17 | |
-But I'm in a healthy relationship now, Tammy. -A relationship?! | 0:01:17 | 0:01:21 | |
-With whom? -A lovely, intelligent, | 0:01:21 | 0:01:23 | |
self-possessed paediatric surgeon named Wendy. | 0:01:23 | 0:01:26 | |
Sounds like a real whore. | 0:01:26 | 0:01:28 | |
Clear the late charges and cut the crap. Good day. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:32 | |
-Good day, Leslie. -Good...good day. | 0:01:34 | 0:01:37 | |
OK, so we're ordering them | 0:01:57 | 0:01:58 | |
a total of 30 pizzas so let's talk toppings. | 0:01:58 | 0:02:01 | |
Sausage, onion, and peppers. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:03 | |
Scientifically proven to be the best toppings. | 0:02:03 | 0:02:05 | |
-Nice. -Should we throw in some salads | 0:02:05 | 0:02:07 | |
for a healthy option? | 0:02:07 | 0:02:09 | |
-Wow, don't be such a Jerry, Ben. -Yeah, Ben, | 0:02:09 | 0:02:12 | |
these guys are cops, not ballerinas. 'So we're throwing a little shindig' | 0:02:12 | 0:02:15 | |
for the police department because we're asking them | 0:02:15 | 0:02:17 | |
to volunteer as security during the harvest festival. | 0:02:17 | 0:02:20 | |
I don't know what it is about big outdoor gatherings | 0:02:20 | 0:02:22 | |
that makes everyone want to urinate | 0:02:22 | 0:02:25 | |
all over everything, but it does. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:29 | |
And they do. | 0:02:29 | 0:02:30 | |
OK, how about some calzones? | 0:02:30 | 0:02:33 | |
Calzones are like pizzas, but they're harder to eat. | 0:02:33 | 0:02:35 | |
They're dumb and so was that idea. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:38 | |
-Seriously? -This is embarrassing for you. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:41 | |
Sorry to interrupt. Ron, you ready? | 0:02:41 | 0:02:43 | |
Absolutely, my dear. | 0:02:43 | 0:02:44 | |
I am off to have a mid-morning pre-lunch | 0:02:44 | 0:02:46 | |
with my lady friend, but I will be back in time for lunch. | 0:02:46 | 0:02:49 | |
All right. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:51 | |
Oh, Ron's girlfriend's pretty. | 0:02:51 | 0:02:53 | |
ANDY LAUGHS | 0:02:53 | 0:02:56 | |
Tom's ex-wife. | 0:02:56 | 0:02:57 | |
Oh. | 0:02:57 | 0:02:59 | |
I don't want to see them together. | 0:03:00 | 0:03:01 | |
It's like they're rubbing it in my face. All I can think about | 0:03:01 | 0:03:04 | |
is Captain Moustache ploughing my ex-wife. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:06 | |
-And you imagine he's wearing a cape while he's ploughing her? -What?! | 0:03:06 | 0:03:10 | |
No, just, Captain Moustache? | 0:03:10 | 0:03:11 | |
I mean, if all you can think of is Ron, you know... Maybe put him | 0:03:11 | 0:03:14 | |
in some tights and a cape and then... and then it would be funny. | 0:03:14 | 0:03:17 | |
Now, I'm imagining a cape! | 0:03:17 | 0:03:19 | |
April? | 0:03:21 | 0:03:23 | |
Did you call me? | 0:03:23 | 0:03:25 | |
I did call you. Good ears. | 0:03:25 | 0:03:26 | |
'Chris's assistant' | 0:03:26 | 0:03:28 | |
went back to Indianapolis, so he's borrowing me for a few days. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:33 | |
Yay. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:35 | |
I'd like you to get me some more post-its. | 0:03:35 | 0:03:36 | |
I'd like them in multiple colours. I'd like green. I'd like yellow. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:39 | |
Do not buy orange. | 0:03:39 | 0:03:41 | |
I do not want orange. I have plenty of orange. | 0:03:41 | 0:03:43 | |
Got it. You want five million orange post-its. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:46 | |
-HE LAUGHS: -That's hilarious! | 0:03:46 | 0:03:49 | |
Oh, wait! I have a post-it for you. | 0:03:49 | 0:03:52 | |
-It says, "great job." -Mmm. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:57 | |
-Great job! -Mmm. -There you go. | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
They're getting really old and I'm an only child. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:06 | |
I just feel like the right thing to do is to move back home. | 0:04:06 | 0:04:11 | |
I'm sorry to see you go. | 0:04:11 | 0:04:14 | |
I've really come to think of you as... | 0:04:14 | 0:04:19 | |
a companion. | 0:04:19 | 0:04:20 | |
Hey, I don't suppose you'd want to move to Canada? | 0:04:22 | 0:04:26 | |
HE CHOKES AND SPITS, THEN LAUGHS | 0:04:26 | 0:04:29 | |
Canada! | 0:04:29 | 0:04:32 | |
No, I don't suppose I would. | 0:04:32 | 0:04:35 | |
BEN: Hey, I hate to nag, but shouldn't we be talking strategy, | 0:04:35 | 0:04:38 | |
like, when to ask the chief for this huge critical favour? | 0:04:38 | 0:04:42 | |
Yes. I know exactly when we should do it. | 0:04:42 | 0:04:44 | |
Post pizza, pre ice cream, between his third and fourth beer. | 0:04:44 | 0:04:47 | |
Full but not stuffed, tipsy but not drunk. Should be around 9:00. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:50 | |
OK, so you've thought this through. | 0:04:50 | 0:04:52 | |
Just sit tight. I'll get you a beer. | 0:04:52 | 0:04:54 | |
Can I have two beers please? | 0:04:56 | 0:04:58 | |
Hey, you OK? | 0:04:59 | 0:05:00 | |
Wendy and I are over. | 0:05:00 | 0:05:02 | |
She's moving back to Canada. | 0:05:02 | 0:05:04 | |
It's too bad. | 0:05:04 | 0:05:05 | |
I just taught her how to whittle. | 0:05:05 | 0:05:08 | |
She made me this tiny sharpened stick. | 0:05:08 | 0:05:11 | |
Look, I'm going to tell you what I tell all my girlfriends | 0:05:11 | 0:05:14 | |
when they get dumped. | 0:05:14 | 0:05:16 | |
Men are dogs. | 0:05:16 | 0:05:17 | |
Thank you, Leslie. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:19 | |
That does not apply to this situation at all. | 0:05:19 | 0:05:22 | |
But thank you. I appreciate it. | 0:05:22 | 0:05:24 | |
This is a disaster. You're not into football? | 0:05:24 | 0:05:27 | |
I knew there was something wrong with you. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:31 | |
I knew it. I knew it, knew it, knew it. | 0:05:31 | 0:05:33 | |
Honestly, I haven't felt this good in years. | 0:05:33 | 0:05:35 | |
And it's not just because of the supplements | 0:05:35 | 0:05:37 | |
he has me taking and the soluble fibre | 0:05:37 | 0:05:39 | |
and the increase in regularity. It's him. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:42 | |
He's, uh, moving back to Indianapolis | 0:05:42 | 0:05:44 | |
in a couple of weeks, which sucks. | 0:05:44 | 0:05:46 | |
But if he asked me to move with him...I think I would. | 0:05:46 | 0:05:51 | |
I would like a local beer. I'd like it in a bottle. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:54 | |
I'd like the bottle to be cold. | 0:05:54 | 0:05:56 | |
I would like a glass of white wine. | 0:05:56 | 0:05:57 | |
I would like it to be chardonnay. | 0:05:57 | 0:05:59 | |
And I would like that with one ice cube. Thanks. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:02 | |
-Chief Trumple? -Hey, Knope. | 0:06:03 | 0:06:05 | |
You know Ben Wyatt from the State Budget Office. | 0:06:05 | 0:06:08 | |
-Yeah, how's it going? -Hello. -Thanks for the party. Good pizza. | 0:06:08 | 0:06:11 | |
Great. So, yeah, the pizza's dynamite, isn't it? | 0:06:11 | 0:06:14 | |
I just said it was good pizza. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:16 | |
It's good. Pizza's good. | 0:06:16 | 0:06:18 | |
You, uh... | 0:06:18 | 0:06:20 | |
You know what I like? Calzones. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:24 | |
-What the hell is wrong with this guy? -It's all right. | 0:06:24 | 0:06:26 | |
-We'll check in with you later. -Take it easy. -Yeah, will do. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:29 | |
-What is wrong with you? -I was getting somewhere... | 0:06:29 | 0:06:31 | |
Yeah, great small talk over there. OK, let me handle this. | 0:06:31 | 0:06:34 | |
-I get a little nervous with cops. -I'm in control! -TOM: What's up? | 0:06:34 | 0:06:37 | |
-Tom Haverford's in the building. -Whoo! | 0:06:37 | 0:06:40 | |
Tom, what the hell are you doing? | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
Same thing you're doing, celebrating Pawnee's finest. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:45 | |
-I believe you know my date, Tammy Swanson. -Hiya, Ron. | 0:06:45 | 0:06:47 | |
-Oh. Hiya, Ron. -Hey, Ron. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:50 | |
I'm sorry. Is seeing your ex-wife on my arm making you uncomfortable? | 0:06:50 | 0:06:54 | |
Gee, I can't imagine why. Or can I? | 0:06:54 | 0:06:57 | |
-Ooh, I like this song. Do you want to dance, Tammy? -Oh, yeah. Yeah. | 0:06:57 | 0:07:01 | |
Ooh. Uh. | 0:07:01 | 0:07:03 | |
I know Tammy seems scary. | 0:07:03 | 0:07:05 | |
But really, she's just a manipulative, psychotic, | 0:07:05 | 0:07:08 | |
library-book-pedalling, sex-crazed she-demon. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:11 | |
SHE GIGGLES | 0:07:11 | 0:07:13 | |
-I think that's enough. -Tammy. | 0:07:13 | 0:07:15 | |
Uh. Oh, hi, Ron. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:17 | |
-I was just tasting my new boyfriend, Glenn. -Tom. | 0:07:17 | 0:07:20 | |
You don't know what you're mixed up in, son. | 0:07:20 | 0:07:22 | |
This isn't about you. It's about me. | 0:07:22 | 0:07:24 | |
Typical Ron Swanson. Always thinking about yourself. | 0:07:24 | 0:07:27 | |
-Maybe we like each other. -Yeah, maybe we do. | 0:07:27 | 0:07:29 | |
Ah-eey! OK. | 0:07:29 | 0:07:31 | |
-Let's take it easy. -Tammy, leave him out of this. | 0:07:31 | 0:07:35 | |
So you can have a girlfriend, but I'm not supposed to see anybody? | 0:07:35 | 0:07:38 | |
Damn it, woman. Just crawl back in to the dank hole you came from | 0:07:38 | 0:07:41 | |
and leave my friends alone. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:42 | |
-OK, let's settle down. -What seems to be the problem? | 0:07:42 | 0:07:44 | |
-What seems to be the problem? -Is there a problem here? | 0:07:44 | 0:07:46 | |
Basically what we had here was a dispute of a domestic nature. | 0:07:46 | 0:07:49 | |
White male, 40, 45. | 0:07:49 | 0:07:50 | |
Caucasian male. Stocky build. | 0:07:50 | 0:07:52 | |
Approximately 5'10". | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
Verbal altercation transpired at approximately 8:55pm | 0:07:54 | 0:07:56 | |
with a female unsub. | 0:07:56 | 0:07:58 | |
Appears to be slightly intoxicated. Claims to be an ex-spouse. | 0:07:58 | 0:08:01 | |
Real piece of work. | 0:08:01 | 0:08:02 | |
-Real piece of work. -Real piece of work. -Real piece of work. | 0:08:02 | 0:08:05 | |
I know why you're doing this, and you're making a huge mistake. | 0:08:05 | 0:08:08 | |
Fight fire with fire, Leslie. He dates my ex, I date his. | 0:08:08 | 0:08:11 | |
Ron and Wendy aren't even dating any more. | 0:08:11 | 0:08:13 | |
She's moving back to Canada. | 0:08:13 | 0:08:14 | |
-What? -Uh-oh. Oh, God. OK, hey. What's happening here? | 0:08:14 | 0:08:17 | |
Ron and I are going to get a cup of coffee and talk things out. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:21 | |
It's time for Tammy and me to bury the hatchet once and for all. | 0:08:21 | 0:08:25 | |
Everything will be fine. | 0:08:25 | 0:08:27 | |
MOANING AND GROANING | 0:08:28 | 0:08:30 | |
MOANING CONTINUES | 0:08:31 | 0:08:33 | |
It's been like this for hours. | 0:08:33 | 0:08:36 | |
-Right there. Right there. -Yeah. Yeah. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:38 | |
-Hey, Swanson! -BANGING | 0:08:38 | 0:08:40 | |
Snap out of it! | 0:08:40 | 0:08:42 | |
Leslie. Congratulate us. | 0:08:42 | 0:08:46 | |
Ron's got one just like it on his penis. | 0:08:46 | 0:08:48 | |
Oh, yeah. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:50 | |
What the hell happened to you? | 0:08:50 | 0:08:52 | |
Well... | 0:08:52 | 0:08:54 | |
INDISTINCT YELLING | 0:08:54 | 0:08:57 | |
Thank you. | 0:09:03 | 0:09:05 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:09:05 | 0:09:06 | |
Rock'n'roll! Yeah, baby! | 0:09:06 | 0:09:09 | |
-I got it! -Uh! | 0:09:09 | 0:09:10 | |
You may now kiss the bride. | 0:09:10 | 0:09:11 | |
WEDDING MARCH PLAYING | 0:09:11 | 0:09:13 | |
-It's been kind of a crazy night. -TAMMY: Come back, come back. | 0:09:21 | 0:09:25 | |
MOANING AND GROANING | 0:09:25 | 0:09:27 | |
April, could you come in here a second? | 0:09:27 | 0:09:29 | |
April, way to come in. Great initiative. | 0:09:29 | 0:09:32 | |
-You called me in. -Listen, could you please call Ann Perkins | 0:09:32 | 0:09:35 | |
and tell her that I will be unable to enjoy lunch | 0:09:35 | 0:09:38 | |
with her today, as I am just swamped. All day. | 0:09:38 | 0:09:40 | |
Copy that. | 0:09:40 | 0:09:43 | |
Hi, Ann. This is April. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:45 | |
I'm just calling to let you know that Chris can't make lunch today. | 0:09:45 | 0:09:49 | |
I knew you wouldn't care. Goodbye. | 0:09:49 | 0:09:52 | |
They started having sex at the court house. We had no choice. | 0:09:52 | 0:09:55 | |
Oh, well, I completely understand. | 0:09:55 | 0:09:57 | |
Chief, I need to ask you a huge favour. | 0:09:57 | 0:09:59 | |
Leslie. | 0:09:59 | 0:10:00 | |
Ron is a good man who just got caught up in something terrible. | 0:10:00 | 0:10:03 | |
And I was hoping that maybe you would | 0:10:03 | 0:10:06 | |
reduce his charges and release him into my custody. | 0:10:06 | 0:10:09 | |
All right. But keep him away from that crazy librarian. | 0:10:09 | 0:10:13 | |
I'll do my best. | 0:10:13 | 0:10:14 | |
In fact, I don't want him within 500 feet of the library. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:17 | |
-That's good advice for all of us. -Nothing but trouble there. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:20 | |
-Thanks a lot, bro. -Hey, stop. -Sorry. | 0:10:20 | 0:10:23 | |
-RON GROANS: Take me back to Tammy. -For the millionth time, no. | 0:10:25 | 0:10:29 | |
That was not the favour we needed to ask for, Leslie. | 0:10:29 | 0:10:31 | |
If we don't get the police for the harvest festival, | 0:10:31 | 0:10:33 | |
-there is no harvest festival. -I know. I'll figure it out later. | 0:10:33 | 0:10:36 | |
Can you turn the radio off? This is our song. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:39 | |
Your song is Dancing on the Ceiling by Lionel Ritchie? | 0:10:39 | 0:10:43 | |
Oh, wow, look at that. You shaved off part of your moustache. | 0:10:43 | 0:10:46 | |
-That's lovely. -I didn't shave it off. | 0:10:46 | 0:10:48 | |
It rubbed off...from friction. | 0:10:48 | 0:10:52 | |
-Uhh! -Uhhh! -Uhh! | 0:10:52 | 0:10:55 | |
Ron Swanson, this is an intervention. | 0:10:55 | 0:10:57 | |
You have been spending the last 24 hours | 0:10:57 | 0:10:59 | |
sipping on joy juice and tripping on Tammy. | 0:10:59 | 0:11:02 | |
Well, the people in this room are your methadone. | 0:11:02 | 0:11:04 | |
And we're here to get you clean. | 0:11:04 | 0:11:06 | |
Congratulations. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:08 | |
Holy matrimony, there's the man of the hour. | 0:11:08 | 0:11:11 | |
Jerry, what is this? | 0:11:11 | 0:11:13 | |
That is the set of tumblers that I got from the registry. | 0:11:13 | 0:11:16 | |
This is an intervention. | 0:11:16 | 0:11:18 | |
I thought you said on the phone it was a reception. | 0:11:18 | 0:11:20 | |
OK. All right, let's begin. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:22 | |
I would like to address the goofy-looking, | 0:11:22 | 0:11:25 | |
dirty-kimono-wearing, corn-rowed clown in the room. | 0:11:25 | 0:11:28 | |
If you see Ron Swanson, can you give him this message? | 0:11:28 | 0:11:32 | |
You used to be a man. You need to get your house in order. | 0:11:32 | 0:11:37 | |
Look, I love you like a brother, but right now, I hate you | 0:11:37 | 0:11:40 | |
like my actual brother, Levondrious, who I hate. | 0:11:40 | 0:11:43 | |
OK, Tom. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:46 | |
Ron, you look great. | 0:11:46 | 0:11:47 | |
-Your skin is glowing. I've never seen you so happy. -OK, sit down. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:52 | |
Andy. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:54 | |
Ron, I do not really understand what is going on right now. | 0:11:54 | 0:11:59 | |
But no matter what, | 0:11:59 | 0:12:04 | |
you must keep going. | 0:12:04 | 0:12:06 | |
No. | 0:12:06 | 0:12:07 | |
You must stop. | 0:12:07 | 0:12:10 | |
I love you, buddy. Follow your dreams. | 0:12:10 | 0:12:13 | |
Powerful stuff. | 0:12:15 | 0:12:17 | |
April? What are you doing here? | 0:12:18 | 0:12:21 | |
I work for your boyfriend. What are you doing here? | 0:12:21 | 0:12:24 | |
I came to see why Chris stood me up for lunch, | 0:12:24 | 0:12:27 | |
but I think I just figured it out. | 0:12:27 | 0:12:28 | |
-Because he doesn't like you. -No, I'm pretty sure that's not it. | 0:12:28 | 0:12:31 | |
Actually it's because I didn't call you deliberately. | 0:12:31 | 0:12:34 | |
Which, if you ask me, is a fireable offence. | 0:12:34 | 0:12:36 | |
So I would tell him that. | 0:12:36 | 0:12:38 | |
Also, he's not into you sexually. | 0:12:38 | 0:12:40 | |
-Mmm. -Ann Perkins! | 0:12:40 | 0:12:42 | |
April Ludgate. Literally two of my favourite people on earth. | 0:12:42 | 0:12:45 | |
-I'm sorry that I had to cancel lunch. -Not at all. | 0:12:45 | 0:12:48 | |
It's not a problem. April here was very apologetic on the phone. | 0:12:48 | 0:12:52 | |
-She also sent me flowers. -April. Nice touch. | 0:12:52 | 0:12:56 | |
'Hello, Ron. It's Ron. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:01 | |
'If you're watching this, it means that, once again, | 0:13:01 | 0:13:05 | |
'you have danced with the devil. | 0:13:05 | 0:13:07 | |
'Right now, you're probably thinking, | 0:13:07 | 0:13:09 | |
' "Tammy's changed. We'll be happy together." | 0:13:09 | 0:13:12 | |
'But you're only thinking that | 0:13:12 | 0:13:14 | |
'because she's a monstrous parasite who entered through your privates | 0:13:14 | 0:13:18 | |
'and lodged herself in your brain. | 0:13:18 | 0:13:20 | |
'So you have two choices... | 0:13:20 | 0:13:22 | |
'One, get rid of Tammy, | 0:13:22 | 0:13:24 | |
'or two, lobotomy and castration. | 0:13:24 | 0:13:27 | |
'Choose wisely. | 0:13:27 | 0:13:29 | |
-'You stupid -BLEEP.' | 0:13:29 | 0:13:30 | |
This is a waste of time. | 0:13:32 | 0:13:34 | |
You people have no idea what you're talking about. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:37 | |
That was you on the tape. That was you talking. | 0:13:37 | 0:13:41 | |
-TAMMY: -Ron? Ron! | 0:13:41 | 0:13:42 | |
Ron. Oh, there you are. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:45 | |
-SHE CHUCKLES -Ah! | 0:13:45 | 0:13:48 | |
Ron. Stop it. God, please. | 0:13:48 | 0:13:51 | |
-Ron, don't do that. -Oh, it's done, Leslie. | 0:13:51 | 0:13:54 | |
Tammy and I are in love, and we're going to start a family together. | 0:13:54 | 0:13:58 | |
In fact, she's ovulating. | 0:13:58 | 0:14:00 | |
So if you'll excuse us, we're heading off on our honeymoon. | 0:14:00 | 0:14:03 | |
-Wow. Where are you going? -Jerry! | 0:14:03 | 0:14:06 | |
We're going to spend 11 days in my cabin in the woods. | 0:14:06 | 0:14:09 | |
We bought ten cases of Gatorade | 0:14:09 | 0:14:11 | |
and a 40-pound bag of peanuts for energy. | 0:14:11 | 0:14:14 | |
-Oh, God. -Give me it. | 0:14:14 | 0:14:15 | |
All right, OK. Excuse me. | 0:14:17 | 0:14:20 | |
Oh, yeah. Oh, God. | 0:14:20 | 0:14:22 | |
Ann and I are headed out and I just wanted to thank you | 0:14:22 | 0:14:25 | |
for everything today, and I will see you tomorrow. | 0:14:25 | 0:14:28 | |
KNOCKING | 0:14:28 | 0:14:29 | |
Hi, Chris. | 0:14:29 | 0:14:31 | |
Uh, Ron Swanson has sent me over to deliver to you this document. | 0:14:31 | 0:14:36 | |
"To whom it may concern, dear Chris, | 0:14:36 | 0:14:39 | |
"there is an emergency regarding the Parks Department, | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
"and April may just be the only person who can help. | 0:14:41 | 0:14:44 | |
"I can't get into details, because it's super-classified. | 0:14:44 | 0:14:48 | |
"Please release April back to us permanently. | 0:14:48 | 0:14:51 | |
"God bless America. Love, Bert Macklin, FBI." | 0:14:51 | 0:14:56 | |
-What? -OK. Well, bye. | 0:14:56 | 0:14:58 | |
April, listen. | 0:14:58 | 0:15:00 | |
If you don't want to work for me, I'm not going to force you. | 0:15:00 | 0:15:03 | |
-You didn't have to do this. -She didn't do that. That... | 0:15:03 | 0:15:05 | |
-Dude, I think it sounds like it was Macklin's call. -Look, I get it. | 0:15:05 | 0:15:09 | |
You're young, and trying isn't cool. But I think you're smart. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:13 | |
I'm going to be going back to Indianapolis soon, | 0:15:13 | 0:15:16 | |
and I think you should come work for me. | 0:15:16 | 0:15:18 | |
Wow, move all the way to Indianapolis, | 0:15:18 | 0:15:21 | |
so I can pick up your vitamins and supplements. | 0:15:21 | 0:15:23 | |
Everybody starts somewhere. | 0:15:23 | 0:15:25 | |
You'll travel, and you will meet interesting people. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:29 | |
Think about it. | 0:15:29 | 0:15:31 | |
OK. I will. | 0:15:31 | 0:15:34 | |
Apparently, he wants April to move to Indianapolis with him. | 0:15:34 | 0:15:38 | |
So that's something. | 0:15:38 | 0:15:41 | |
LOUD TAPPING | 0:15:41 | 0:15:43 | |
I hope you're happy. | 0:15:43 | 0:15:45 | |
Look, I just wanted to show him what it felt like | 0:15:45 | 0:15:48 | |
to have your ex-wife date someone you know. | 0:15:48 | 0:15:50 | |
Whatever happened after that is not my fault. | 0:15:50 | 0:15:53 | |
Yes, it is. Tom, you did a really crappy thing, | 0:15:53 | 0:15:56 | |
and I think, deep down, you know that. | 0:15:56 | 0:15:58 | |
Whatever happens to Ron Swanson is on you. | 0:15:58 | 0:16:01 | |
KNOCKING | 0:16:05 | 0:16:07 | |
Excuse me, chief. Sorry to interrupt. | 0:16:07 | 0:16:09 | |
Hey, calzone boy, what's up? | 0:16:09 | 0:16:11 | |
Well, here's hoping that that nickname doesn't stick. Right? | 0:16:11 | 0:16:15 | |
But that's not why I'm here. | 0:16:17 | 0:16:19 | |
Uh, Leslie Knope asked you for a favour the other day, | 0:16:19 | 0:16:22 | |
but the real favour we need is much bigger. | 0:16:22 | 0:16:25 | |
You mean, like calzone-sized? | 0:16:25 | 0:16:27 | |
Ah! Sure. | 0:16:27 | 0:16:30 | |
We need the Pawnee police force to volunteer as security | 0:16:30 | 0:16:33 | |
during the upcoming harvest festival. | 0:16:33 | 0:16:35 | |
-Now, the city won't let us throw the festival unless... -Say no more. | 0:16:35 | 0:16:39 | |
Just send me a schedule of how many officers you need and when. | 0:16:39 | 0:16:42 | |
Really? Just like that? | 0:16:42 | 0:16:44 | |
-Leslie Knope gets as many favours as she needs. -Can I ask why? | 0:16:44 | 0:16:48 | |
Because she's the kind of a person | 0:16:48 | 0:16:50 | |
who uses favours to help other people. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:52 | |
And also, my buddy Dave was the crankiest bastard in the department | 0:16:52 | 0:16:55 | |
till he started dating Leslie. | 0:16:55 | 0:16:57 | |
Huh. So she...? OK. Are they still dating or...? | 0:16:57 | 0:17:02 | |
No. Moved to San Diego a year ago. | 0:17:02 | 0:17:05 | |
Oh. Was it a serious thing, or...? | 0:17:05 | 0:17:08 | |
What do you care? You a pervert? | 0:17:08 | 0:17:10 | |
Nope, nope. I'm all good. Um, everything's fine. This is fine. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:14 | |
Don't think I won't do it. I'll wear this to work. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:19 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:19 | 0:17:21 | |
All right, one more. | 0:17:21 | 0:17:22 | |
Ooh, what's in here, huh? | 0:17:22 | 0:17:24 | |
SHE GASPS: A new library card? | 0:17:24 | 0:17:27 | |
-Read the name. -"Tammy Swanson Swanson." | 0:17:27 | 0:17:29 | |
LAUGHTER You guys, that's amazing. | 0:17:29 | 0:17:32 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:32 | 0:17:34 | |
Well, you about ready to go, my love? | 0:17:34 | 0:17:36 | |
-Yeah. -Wait, Ron! Stop! | 0:17:36 | 0:17:39 | |
-Tom? -Jerry, what the hell? | 0:17:39 | 0:17:41 | |
Don't do it. She doesn't love you. | 0:17:41 | 0:17:43 | |
You don't know what you're talking about. What are you doing here? | 0:17:43 | 0:17:46 | |
Yes, I do, OK? | 0:17:46 | 0:17:48 | |
When I asked her to be my date, she cackled for a full minute | 0:17:48 | 0:17:51 | |
and said, and I quote, | 0:17:51 | 0:17:53 | |
"anything to make Ron miserable." | 0:17:53 | 0:17:55 | |
It's not real, man. She's just messing with you. | 0:17:55 | 0:17:58 | |
He's lying, Ron. Stay out of this, Glenn. | 0:17:58 | 0:18:01 | |
It's Tom! And I'm not lying. | 0:18:01 | 0:18:03 | |
I won't let you destroy Ron. You'll just have to... | 0:18:03 | 0:18:05 | |
Ow! Ow! Aah! | 0:18:05 | 0:18:08 | |
-Oh! -He's attacking me, Ron! | 0:18:08 | 0:18:10 | |
Kill him! TOM GROANS | 0:18:10 | 0:18:12 | |
SHE GROWLS | 0:18:12 | 0:18:14 | |
TOM SCREAMS | 0:18:14 | 0:18:15 | |
TAMMY LAUGHS | 0:18:15 | 0:18:17 | |
-Yeah! Do your worst, Glenn! -You'll have to do better than that. | 0:18:19 | 0:18:23 | |
-Aaaah! -Aah! | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
HE MOANS | 0:18:25 | 0:18:26 | |
Why are you hitting yourself, Glenn? Stop hitting yourself. | 0:18:26 | 0:18:29 | |
Tammy, that's enough! | 0:18:29 | 0:18:31 | |
What? | 0:18:31 | 0:18:32 | |
Hey, baby. | 0:18:32 | 0:18:34 | |
You almost had me. | 0:18:34 | 0:18:36 | |
Again. But seeing you pick on this pathetic, defenceless little man... | 0:18:36 | 0:18:41 | |
-Hey. -..reminded me what kind of a monster you are. | 0:18:41 | 0:18:45 | |
You're a joke! You're not even a man any more. | 0:18:45 | 0:18:48 | |
Oh, and by the way, last night, I faked four out of the seven. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:52 | |
Hmm. So did I. | 0:18:52 | 0:18:54 | |
Let's go, son. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:56 | |
-Hey. -Hey. Sorry about the whole mess. | 0:19:03 | 0:19:06 | |
The crisis has been averted, so let's go talk to the chief. | 0:19:06 | 0:19:09 | |
Oh, I already talked to him. | 0:19:09 | 0:19:11 | |
They'll give us the hours we need, no problem. | 0:19:11 | 0:19:13 | |
-Great. What a relief. -Yeah. | 0:19:13 | 0:19:15 | |
Hey, are you hungry? I haven't eaten. | 0:19:16 | 0:19:19 | |
You know, yeah. There's a really great calzone place | 0:19:19 | 0:19:21 | |
-over in Idiotville. -Oh, really? -Down on Terrible Idea Avenue. -OK. | 0:19:21 | 0:19:25 | |
That's weird, cos I thought it was on beating-a-dead-horse boulevard. | 0:19:25 | 0:19:28 | |
Calzones are pointless. They're just pizza that's harder to eat. | 0:19:29 | 0:19:34 | |
No-one likes them. Good day, sir. | 0:19:34 | 0:19:36 | |
Leslie, I... you know, I... | 0:19:36 | 0:19:39 | |
I'm just kidding. Let's go. | 0:19:39 | 0:19:41 | |
Oh. HE LAUGHS WEAKLY | 0:19:41 | 0:19:42 | |
OK. That was funny. | 0:19:42 | 0:19:44 | |
High and tight. | 0:19:46 | 0:19:49 | |
Do you think it's going to leave a scar? | 0:19:49 | 0:19:50 | |
Tom, women like scars. | 0:19:50 | 0:19:52 | |
Shows you survived an attack, | 0:19:52 | 0:19:54 | |
and they'll assume the attack was from a man. | 0:19:54 | 0:19:57 | |
Sorry, Ron, about everything. | 0:19:57 | 0:20:00 | |
Ah. | 0:20:00 | 0:20:01 | |
To true love. May we both find it. | 0:20:01 | 0:20:04 | |
I'll drink to that. | 0:20:04 | 0:20:06 | |
-Nice glasses. -Wedding present from Jerry. | 0:20:08 | 0:20:11 | |
-You're not going to return them? -Nah. Too much hassle. | 0:20:11 | 0:20:14 |