Media Blitz Parks and Recreation


Media Blitz

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LOUD TYPING

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I found this typewriter next to the courtyard dumpster.

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An old Underwood Five with original carriage return.

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-IT DINGS

-Ah.

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I took her home, polished her up,

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and bought a brand-new ribbon off of electronicbay.com.

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OK, somebody's got to do something.

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I'm getting a cluster headache.

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Oh, whoa, whoa, he's leaving.

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TOM: Let's go. I'm going to throw it away.

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-No, I'm not. It weighs a billion tonnes.

-What is he typing anyway?

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"If you sons of bitches try to remove this typewriter,

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"I'll kill you."

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I'm going to type every word I know.

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Rectangle!

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America!

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Megaphone!

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Monday!

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Butthole.

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Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings,

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but these interviews are more important than we thought.

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Harvest fest is two weeks away,

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and awareness is still pretty low.

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Boy, 35%.

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It's actually 34.2%.

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-ROBOTIC VOICE:

-34.2%. I am Ben, the numbers robot.

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It's just an exact, uh, calculation.

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-ROBOTIC VOICE:

-It is just an exact calculation.

-OK.

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So we're doing a huge media blitz to publicize the Harvest Festival,

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and we've got TV, newspaper, radio,

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and I even called Oprah.

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Well, I tried to call Oprah. I-I couldn't get her number.

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I'm putting it out there like the secret...

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And hopefully she'll call me.

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Our first interview is at 93.7 FM with Crazy Ira and the Douche.

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-IMITATING DJ:

-Crazy Ira and..

-..the Douche.

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They are Pawnee's most hilarious drive-time radio guys.

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So much better than Tubby Tony and the Papaya. Am I right?

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They're seriously so funny.

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-Is this right?

-This feels almost perfect,

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but I don't think your core has maximised elasticity.

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OK, um, I'll come back if you guys are being weird.

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No, no, no, no! You're exactly the person that I most want to talk to

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right at this moment.

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-And Lunge.

-Oh.

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Have you given my offer any more thought?

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What exactly would happen if I said yes?

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You would work at the State House. You would coordinate

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my professional and personal schedule, and we would give you

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a small relocation fee for your move to Indianapolis.

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-SOFTLY:

-Oh, that sounds boring.

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-NORMAL VOICE:

-But I have nothing keeping me here.

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Do you have Internet in your office?

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-SNAPS FINGERS

-Yes.

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-SNAPS FINGERS

-Fine. I'll do it.

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That is literally the best news that I've heard all day.

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'Unlike April,'

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I still do not know what my future holds with Chris,

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and it's starting to bum me out.

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I need some more vitamin D.

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Yeah.

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Oh, hey, crazy. What was that meeting about?

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Oh, it turns out Chris is my real Dad.

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I think you're lying. I think I know what that meeting was about.

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You can't go to Indianapolis. There's got to be something

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that I can do to convince you how much I care about you.

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-HE GASPS:

-Tell me your least favourite things

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-you have to do every day, and I'll do them for a month.

-Fine.

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If you do everything I hate for a month,

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then I might begin to think about the possibility

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of thinking about maybe staying.

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That's all I have to hear. You won't live to regret this.

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Unless Andy can un-kiss Ann,

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then I'm not going to change my mind.

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But if he wants to take my dumb sister to her dumb dance class,

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then I'm not going to dumb stop him.

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'Crazy Ira and the Douche... 93.7.'

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You know why I'd never be an astronaut?

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Two words - space farts.

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You can't roll down the window of the shuttle. Am I right, folks?

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Houston, we have a... FARTING

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Now, what do you think about that, Neil Armstrong?

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-'That's one small...'

-FARTING

-'..for man.'

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-'One giant...'

-FARTING

-'..for mankind.'

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LAUGHING

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All right, switching gears here now.

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We got Leslie Knope and Tom Haverfart...

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FARTING ..and, uh, Ben Wyatt,

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and they're in the hizzy to talk about

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an upcoming event called the Harvest Festival.

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Well, the Douche, it's a Pawnee tradition,

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and it's where fun meets awesome...

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meets agriculture.

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And it is going to be next month right here in Pawnee.

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And, spoiler alert, it's going to have the best corn maze ever.

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You lost your virginity in a corn maze, didn't you, Douche?

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Oh, that's right, to your mom. WOMAN MOANING

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"Crazy Ira, clean your room!"

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-There's also going to be hayrides.

-"Hey, ride me"

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is what Crazy Ira's mom said.

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Stop it!

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WOMAN MOANING

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TOM: China Joe, you are a poet!

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LAUGHING

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My bird is missing.

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I need a permit to post signs.

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Oh, let me just look for that form.

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There's no time! He can fly!

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'Nine things April hates to do.'

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"Number one - run the permits desk for an hour."

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That's no problem.

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I eat running the permits desk for an hour for breakfast.

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-Ow, that's... Ow.

-Henry, stop it.

-Ow.

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OK, Henry. Cute kid.

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Andy, got a sec?

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-Yeah.

-Henry.

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Why are you working the permits desk?

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And why was that child clubbing your nuggets?

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I'm trying to stop April from taking a job with Chris,

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so I'm doing everything she hates doing for the next month.

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-That's going to work?

-She said it might.

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But it's all I got, man.

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Give me the list.

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I'll help you.

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Oh, my God. Thank you.

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You got it.

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No, I don't care about their relationship.

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I just don't want to lose April.

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I would never be able to find a worse assistant.

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OK, thanks, Leslie.

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But you know what we really want to do today

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is have a chat with Ben Wyatt here.

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-Come on, Ben.

-No, I'm more of a behind the scenes kind of guy.

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Well, it's either come with us or get in the spank chair.

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So maybe it's time for an interview.

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Come on, everybody, give him a hand.

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-Come on over, Ben.

-Oh, yeah.

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So this guy, Ben Wyatt, we're looking him up on Altavista.

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He's from some hick town - Partridge, Minnesota -

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and, when he's 18, he's elected mayor.

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PATRIOTIC MUSIC

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FARTING

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That's funny. That's funny.

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He's 18, becomes the mayor,

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and then blows the whole budget on an ice-skating rink.

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City goes bankrupt.

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-EXPLOSION

-You're out of there!

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What did you call it again, Ben?

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-LAUGHING

-What was it called? Say it.

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Ice Town.

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LAUGHTER

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I was just a... I was a kid, and, um, when you...you...

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you end up getting out there and, uh...and there's a...

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Oh, I really wish you guys could see this guy right now.

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He is "draunched" is sweat.

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There's...there's also going to be ponies at the Harvest Festival.

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All right, let's take a caller from Douche nation.

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-All right, talk to me, caller.

-'What's up, guys?'

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-'Just douchein' over here in Eagleton.'

-Sweet!

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'Seems like 18 is pretty young for a mayor.'

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'What were you, like, 12?' LAUGHING

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The funny, um...

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When...

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I guess...

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The fortunate, um...

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Can we just sort of...?

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PAC-MAN DEATH SOUND EFFECT

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'Game over, man! Game over!'

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Nice job, man! Was that your first time

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talking to other people? Cos it came off that way.

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You embarrassed me in front of the Douche.

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I'm sorry, you guys. I just... I haven't had to deal with

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that mayor stuff for 17 years. I guess I'm not totally over it.

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-No worries. Look, it was just a bump in the road.

-OK.

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Fortunately, the Leslie-mobile is an all-terrain vehicle.

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So everything involving Ben is fine.

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I just need to talk to you in private

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about something different that is not Ben related.

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Ben, good job.

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-Your boy's a nightmare!

-I know, but we need him.

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If they ask us about the budget, he's our numbers guy.

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Well, we should just slap Ray-Bans on a calculator,

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cos that would be way more charming.

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I'll do the newspaper interview. You and Ben do Channel Four.

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Perd Hapley is a big softy. It'll be a puff piece. He can do it.

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'So how are you liking Pawnee?'

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Um, there are a lot of... A lot of cars.

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I mean, not too many...

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trucks and stuff.

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But, uh, yeah.

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Cool.

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-Good talk, Ice Town.

-OK.

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Wow. Who knew that watercress, garbanzo beans,

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and walnuts could complement each other so well?

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Good dressing too, right?

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Flaxseed and agave...

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same basic ingredients as bird feed.

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HE SIGHS

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I'm just going to come right out and say it.

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I want to define your bagua.

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-OK. What's that?

-It's a feng shui term.

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The energy in this house is a little stale,

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but I think I could redefine your flow in a very positive way.

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Great. I'm not really attached to the way this stuff is arranged

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or the stuff itself or this house even, really.

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Great. Let's do it.

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Am I not being obvious enough?

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I feel like I'm being obvious.

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This just in.

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Harvest Festival? More like Harvest "Bestival."

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The Parks Department has planted the seeds,

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and now they're harvesting the rewards.

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Great, you done?

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They'll put the "fun" in funnel cake. OK, now I'm done.

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-Tell me about Ben Wyatt.

-Sure. He works for the state government,

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and he's been coming to advise us about our budget.

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Oh, come on, Leslie. The Douche blew the story wide open.

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Ben Wyatt bankrupts a town and then comes to Pawnee

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to tell us how to spend our money?

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There's no story here, Shauna. He's just a dedicated civil servant

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who's doing whatever he can to make sure

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that this is the best Harvest Festival ever.

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-And he's easy on the eyes too.

-SHE CHUCKLES

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Um, what exactly is the nature of your relationship with him?

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Strictly professional, just friends.

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-So are you colleagues or friends?

-We are colleagues with benefits.

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We're colleagues who benefit from the fact that we're also friends.

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I'm sorry, Shauna. I think I need to go.

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But, um, thank you so much.

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And as always, everything I said is off the record. OK? Bye.

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-What's the next task?

-Oh, we have to write her grandmother

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a thank-you note for a birthday cheque.

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It has to be really good, too, cos it's five months late.

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Never written a thank-you note before. This will be fun.

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What does she call her?

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Gamma. No, Nannaw.

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Or Nanna... Gizmo.

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Something like that.

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This is for your Gizmo.

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I think you'll find it's pretty good.

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"Dear April's grandmother."

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I said grandfather.

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-Oh. Oops. OK.

-"You are a beautiful and amazing woman... " Man.

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"I hope someday I can become half the woman you are." He's a man.

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"Thank you for the 500." It was 5.

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"Enjoy the Mouse Rat CD."

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He is deaf.

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OK, do you want me to make those changes, or is it good?

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Before we do this next interview, there's a little secret

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I want to let you in on. It's called the Haverford Schmooze.

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-I was just caught off guard. I'm fine.

-Three easy steps...

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Smile...

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friendly physical contact, and flattery.

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Hey, Perd, is your dad Robocop? Cos your arms are guns.

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-Robocop didn't have guns for arms.

-Oh, my God.

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-That's so not the point, you nerd.

-I'm just saying.

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-Why are we at a mall?

-I'm getting you a new suit.

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I've let this go on long enough.

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-I like this suit.

-You shouldn't, cos it looks like garbage.

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-Your suit looks more like garbage.

-Oh, really?

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-Yeah.

-Cos Brooks Brothers Boys doesn't make garbage.

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OK, this next thing is a photography-class assignment.

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Can you figure that out?

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"Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy."

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-Melancholy.

-Give me this. Easy.

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Boom - a sad desk.

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Boom - sad wall.

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It's art. Anything is anything.

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Oh, right on. I'll go drop this off and pick up the mail.

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Sad floor.

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It does look sad...kind of.

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Sorry for stepping on you, floor.

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DOOR OPENS, CLOSES

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Hey. You got Andy doing all your work for you?

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Yes. But he said he wanted to do it.

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I'm only doing it, because I'm getting...

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Yeah, I don't care. I got something to add to your list.

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Yep. There we go.

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That's the stuff.

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April really does this every day?

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Yes. Work the heel.

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-Andy, can I be next?

-Yeah.

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I've got a corn so big, you could slap butter on it.

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Welcome to Ya' Heard with Perd.

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I'm Perd Hapley. The story of our guests today is that

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they are from the Department of Parks and Recreation -

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Ben Wyatt and Tom Haverford.

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What up, Perd? Big fan.

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-Me too, Perd. What up?

-The thing about this first question is...

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I'd like to ask you about the Harvest Festival.

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Perd, it's going to be amazing... Carnival rides, games.

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Sweetums is even building a plus-sized roller coaster

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for some of Pawnee's obese thrill seekers.

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You must be this wide to ride.

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Wow. That's going to be a pretty big roller coaster.

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Yep.

0:12:590:13:01

Hey, guys, how'd it go?

0:13:010:13:02

Well, there were some sticky moments.

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Let's go to the video tape!

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'Ah! Look...

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'Who hasn't had gay thoughts?

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-'Who?

-You OK?

-Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. I mean, you know,

0:13:100:13:13

'sometimes I feel like I might need glasses. ..Is there a bird in here?

0:13:130:13:17

'I swear I keep seeing a bird in the studio.'

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-How did this happen?

-He was fine until Perd

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started asking him about the boy-mayor stuff.

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What's wrong with you? You look psychotic.

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'I was 18 when I was elected mayor, OK? So excuse me for that.

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'Cindy Eckert had just turned me down for senior prom.

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'Do you know how that feel...? I should call her. I should.

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'I... No, I shouldn't. And I'm not going to,

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'and I'm proud of myself for that.'

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And then he talked about feeling up Cindy Eckert

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for the first time for about five minutes.

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And then the show ended...

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as did our careers and probably Harvest Fest.

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CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

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Boom - sadness. That's the one.

0:13:500:13:52

Natalie. Hey.

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It's me, Andy.

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-You're an hour and a half late.

-I know. I know.

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I had to massage a tonne of feet...

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Super sorry.

0:14:020:14:04

Come on, get in. I-I need to do everything on April's list,

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-or she's not going to go out with me.

-You're into April?

0:14:060:14:09

Ah. Come on. We'll talk about it in the car.

0:14:090:14:12

-Hold on. I'll get my books.

-OK.

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OK, great. Call me.

0:14:150:14:17

That should be some damage control.

0:14:170:14:20

I'm having dinner with Perd Hapley. Tom, what do we have?

0:14:200:14:22

I've gotten calls from a dozen businesses

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thinking about pulling their sponsorships.

0:14:240:14:26

-Sweetums might cancel the fat-coaster.

-Oh, my God.

0:14:260:14:28

OK, look, we need to focus. We still have the Pawnee Today interview.

0:14:280:14:31

Well, is it too late to cancel?

0:14:310:14:33

Yeah, yeah, it's too late to cancel.

0:14:330:14:36

Joan Callamezzo runs this town. But, Ben, don't worry about it.

0:14:360:14:39

-You're not going in front of the camera.

-Fine with me.

0:14:390:14:42

-Are you trying to lure this young lady into your van?

-Yeah.

0:14:420:14:45

But she's being really difficult about it.

0:14:450:14:48

Uh, and it's actually not my van.

0:14:480:14:50

Uh, I stole it from a friend of mine.

0:14:500:14:52

I technically shouldn't be even driving, because, er...

0:14:520:14:55

my licence is crazy expired. HE CHUCKLES

0:14:550:14:58

That's, er, Dwyer. D-W-Y-E-R.

0:14:580:15:02

Oh, dude! Come on, I got to get out of here!

0:15:020:15:05

Natalie, tell this guy you know me.

0:15:050:15:08

SHE LAUGHS

0:15:080:15:09

Joan! Oh, I thought you were

0:15:100:15:12

Jennifer Aniston filming a movie here.

0:15:120:15:15

BOTH LAUGH

0:15:150:15:16

Joan, let's make a pact, OK?

0:15:160:15:18

If we're both still single in an hour, let's get married.

0:15:180:15:20

-Tom, I'm already married.

-Oh, that's right, to Seal.

0:15:200:15:23

Oh, I confused you with Heidi Klum again.

0:15:230:15:25

-Oh!

-See you later, Joan.

0:15:250:15:28

-That's how it's done.

-JOAN LAUGHING

0:15:280:15:30

OK, five, four...

0:15:300:15:31

Hello, and welcome to Pawnee Today.

0:15:310:15:34

I'm Joan Callamezzo.

0:15:340:15:36

Today's guest is Leslie Knope,

0:15:360:15:37

who is here to tell us how this year's Harvest Festival

0:15:370:15:40

is going to bankrupt the city.

0:15:400:15:42

Well, Joan, actually, there's a lot f false information flying around.

0:15:420:15:46

-The Harvest Festival is...

-Just jumping right in. That's rude.

0:15:460:15:49

I just want everyone to know what an extraordinary event

0:15:490:15:52

-this is going to be.

-But at what cost?

0:15:520:15:55

How many cities does Ben Wyatt need to destroy

0:15:550:15:57

-before he's put behind bars?

-Ben Wyatt has done nothing wrong.

0:15:570:16:01

You know, if you want to ask him questions, let's go for it, huh?

0:16:010:16:05

Just ask any question about his past or present.

0:16:050:16:08

Just get it over with. Ben, let's get up here. Yeah, yeah, come on.

0:16:080:16:11

We'll just ask him a bunch of questions, and then we'll get

0:16:110:16:13

-everything cleared and out of the way. Sound good? Yeah?

-Great.

-Good.

0:16:130:16:16

Uh, let's take some calls, Joan.

0:16:160:16:18

-Why don't you?

-OK. Uh, caller, are you there?

0:16:180:16:20

'Yeah, how can you justify raising taxes

0:16:200:16:23

'for something that will hurt the town?'

0:16:230:16:26

I...

0:16:260:16:27

For...

0:16:290:16:30

Uh, just to add to what Ben's stammering about,

0:16:310:16:34

um, we aren't going to raise taxes,

0:16:340:16:36

-so that's that.

-SHE CHUCKLES

0:16:360:16:39

Next caller.

0:16:390:16:40

Do you fish, April?

0:16:420:16:44

-No. Fish are gross.

-Let me give you a piece of fishing advice.

0:16:440:16:47

-I said I don't...

-When you have a fish on the line,

0:16:470:16:50

you don't just drag it behind the boat.

0:16:500:16:52

You either reel it in, or you cut him loose,

0:16:520:16:54

especially if he's a nice fish with a big, lovable fish heart.

0:16:540:16:58

-You don't know what you're talking about.

-Maybe not.

0:16:580:17:01

Maybe you really do hate Andy.

0:17:010:17:03

Maybe moving to Indianapolis just to get revenge on him

0:17:030:17:06

is a really good idea. What do I know?

0:17:060:17:09

MOBILE PHONE RINGS, VIBRATES

0:17:110:17:13

You are going to love this.

0:17:170:17:19

Verosian tea really supercharges the bacteria in your colon.

0:17:190:17:22

Plus, it smells interesting. Waft it.

0:17:220:17:24

Are we actually ever going to drink it,

0:17:240:17:27

or we're just going to sniff it?

0:17:270:17:28

I love sniffing. Don't get me wrong.

0:17:280:17:30

You are hilarious.

0:17:300:17:32

So you're leaving soon.

0:17:330:17:35

Um, back to Indianapolis briefly and then on to a town

0:17:350:17:38

called Snerling, Indiana, for several months.

0:17:380:17:41

Never heard of it.

0:17:410:17:42

It's quite small. The cows outnumber the people 40 to one.

0:17:420:17:45

It sounds amazing.

0:17:450:17:47

I like you a lot.

0:17:470:17:49

I love spending time with you.

0:17:490:17:52

And I thoroughly enjoy you, Ann Perkins.

0:17:520:17:54

I just think we need to talk about what that means for us.

0:17:540:17:58

-I don't want to be clingy. I...

-Please, it is something

0:17:580:18:01

that we need to figure out, and we should do that right now.

0:18:010:18:04

I'm so happy you said that.

0:18:050:18:07

Wow, that's disgusting.

0:18:080:18:10

Yes, it's very hard to drink.

0:18:100:18:11

-'Yeah, why should we trust this Ben Wyatt guy?'

-Because I'm trusty.

0:18:150:18:19

Trust me. I'm trustworthy. And I am working very hard to...

0:18:190:18:25

HE SIGHS: ..make sure that this town gets back on its feet.

0:18:250:18:28

There we go. OK, great. Next caller.

0:18:280:18:31

'So I looked you up on Altavista, and I found out

0:18:310:18:33

'that the last seven towns you've gone to ended up bankrupt.'

0:18:330:18:36

OK, first of all, why does everyone in this town use Altavista?

0:18:360:18:40

Is it 1997? And second, I am a budget specialist.

0:18:400:18:44

I went to those towns BECAUSE they were bankrupt, and now they aren't.

0:18:440:18:49

And, yeah, I screwed up when I was 18,

0:18:490:18:51

but who doesn't do dumb stuff when they're 18?

0:18:510:18:54

-Joan?

-I stole my...

0:18:540:18:56

-CLEARS THROAT

-..gym teacher's husband.

0:18:560:18:58

So there you go.

0:18:590:19:01

Well, what else do you got, callers? Going once, going twi...

0:19:020:19:06

-Oh, here we go.

-'Yeah, hi.

0:19:060:19:08

'Um, can you tell me more about the corn maze at the Harvest Festival?

0:19:080:19:11

'Are dogs allowed?'

0:19:110:19:12

-Hello.

-Hello.

0:19:150:19:17

How did it go today?

0:19:170:19:18

It was super fun.

0:19:180:19:19

-It was?

-Yeah.

0:19:190:19:21

Do you have a list for tomorrow?

0:19:210:19:23

SHE SCOFFS

0:19:230:19:25

You want to do this again tomorrow?

0:19:250:19:26

Yes, I do. That's the deal, right? I got to do it for a whole month

0:19:260:19:29

and then, you're not going to move to Indianapolis...

0:19:290:19:32

-I better be the only person you kissed today.

-I am...

0:19:390:19:42

I'm positive that you are.

0:19:420:19:44

BEN CHUCKLES 'If I thought you were serious,

0:19:460:19:48

'I'd be offended, Perd, but I know we're buddies,

0:19:480:19:50

'and I know you wouldn't do that to me.

0:19:500:19:52

'But, no, this is a birthmark, Perd, OK?

0:19:520:19:54

'This is the little scar I got when I was nine

0:19:540:19:57

'and I fell off my bike, so, no, I'm not perfect!'

0:19:570:19:59

-I can't look away.

-It's a... It's amazing.

0:19:590:20:02

OK, wait, wait, no. Here's the best part.

0:20:020:20:04

'OK, uh, that's all the time we have here on Ya' Heard.

0:20:040:20:07

'I'm Perd Hapley, Channel Four.

0:20:070:20:09

HE SCOFFS 'More like "Turd Crapley." '

0:20:090:20:12

-Yes, yes.

-Yeah?

0:20:120:20:13

-Bravo!

-Thank you very much.

0:20:130:20:15

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