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After we are given the certificate, who should speak first? | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
I think it should be me and then you. | 0:00:04 | 0:00:06 | |
But, if you want, it could be you and then me. | 0:00:06 | 0:00:08 | |
Or it could go me, you, me. | 0:00:08 | 0:00:10 | |
-What do you think? -How about just you? | 0:00:10 | 0:00:12 | |
Thank you, Ron. Yes. | 0:00:12 | 0:00:13 | |
Tomorrow, the Parks and Rec Department | 0:00:13 | 0:00:15 | |
is receiving a commendation at the Indiana Statehouse | 0:00:15 | 0:00:18 | |
for bringing the Harvest Festival back. | 0:00:18 | 0:00:20 | |
And although it's purely ceremonial, | 0:00:20 | 0:00:22 | |
it's a huge deal for me to go to the Statehouse. | 0:00:22 | 0:00:24 | |
I couldn't care less about the commendation. | 0:00:24 | 0:00:27 | |
But Indianapolis is home to Charles Mulligan's Steakhouse, | 0:00:27 | 0:00:32 | |
the best damn steakhouse in the damn state. | 0:00:32 | 0:00:34 | |
I have taken a picture of every steak I've ever eaten there. | 0:00:34 | 0:00:38 | |
June 2004. | 0:00:38 | 0:00:39 | |
Porterhouse, medium rare, bearnaise sauce. | 0:00:39 | 0:00:42 | |
January 2000. | 0:00:42 | 0:00:44 | |
They call this one "the enforcer." | 0:00:44 | 0:00:45 | |
February '96. | 0:00:45 | 0:00:47 | |
The steak - rib-eye. The whiskey - Lagavulin 16. | 0:00:47 | 0:00:51 | |
The lady next to me - a bitch. | 0:00:51 | 0:00:53 | |
Specifically, my ex-wife Tammy. | 0:00:53 | 0:00:55 | |
OK, this is...this is the first time I ever went there. | 0:00:55 | 0:00:59 | |
Oh, look at me! I'm just a kid. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:03 | |
She's showing some elephant pic... | 0:01:22 | 0:01:23 | |
Oh, la la! Look who's fancy! | 0:01:23 | 0:01:26 | |
Oh, am I wearing an ascot? I didn't notice. | 0:01:26 | 0:01:30 | |
Big night at the Snakehole Lounge. | 0:01:30 | 0:01:32 | |
It's a launch party for Dennis Feinstein's new fragrance - | 0:01:32 | 0:01:35 | |
Allergic-For men. | 0:01:35 | 0:01:37 | |
Pawnee's own Dennis Feinstein is a real up-and-comer | 0:01:37 | 0:01:39 | |
in the world of microbrewed perfumes and body sprays. | 0:01:39 | 0:01:41 | |
His ether-based perfume "Blackout" | 0:01:41 | 0:01:44 | |
was named one Maxim's top 100 ways to trick someone into sex. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:48 | |
The club opens at 6:00, event starts at 9:00. | 0:01:48 | 0:01:50 | |
Oh, no, no, way too late. I will be deep into my bath by then. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:53 | |
LOUD GROANS | 0:01:53 | 0:01:54 | |
Don't let us picture that. Ben, you gonna go? | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
Oh, uh, I don't think so. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:58 | |
Probably just gonna take it easy, but thank you. | 0:01:58 | 0:02:01 | |
They always ask me to go out with them, just being polite. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:03 | |
I move around a lot, so the friends I make in these cities, | 0:02:03 | 0:02:06 | |
they're like Facebook friends, you know? | 0:02:06 | 0:02:09 | |
"Hey, Doug from Bloomington is thinking about buying a shirt." | 0:02:09 | 0:02:13 | |
I mean, come on, Doug, who cares? | 0:02:13 | 0:02:15 | |
OK, Tom, I want you to take Ben and make him go | 0:02:15 | 0:02:18 | |
-to that antihistamine party. -It's "Allergic," and forget it. | 0:02:18 | 0:02:21 | |
He doesn't know anybody in town. | 0:02:21 | 0:02:22 | |
Come on, Tom, take him under your tiny little wing. | 0:02:22 | 0:02:25 | |
He's a fully grown man, Leslie. And tonight's just not about pleasure. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:28 | |
I'm schmoozing Dennis Feinstein | 0:02:28 | 0:02:30 | |
so I can pitch him my new cologne, "Tommy Fresh." | 0:02:30 | 0:02:33 | |
OK, well, while you're doing that, I want you to picture Ben | 0:02:33 | 0:02:35 | |
in his motel room, by himself with no friends, staring at the wall. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:38 | |
-Deal. -Tom. -HE SIGHS | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
-So my band's working on a new album. -Oh, yeah? What's it called? | 0:02:40 | 0:02:43 | |
April Ludgate Is the Best Ever, Volume One. | 0:02:43 | 0:02:48 | |
-Shut up. -So, uh, what do you want to do tonight? | 0:02:48 | 0:02:51 | |
We could watch TV at Burly's house or we could watch TV at your house. | 0:02:51 | 0:02:54 | |
Or, I mean, we could watch TV at Best Buy. | 0:02:54 | 0:02:56 | |
Why don't we go to Tom's thing? | 0:02:56 | 0:02:58 | |
That weird cologne party thing at the Snakehole? | 0:02:58 | 0:03:01 | |
Oh. I kind of forgot that you need money | 0:03:01 | 0:03:04 | |
when you have a girlfriend. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:05 | |
Eh! | 0:03:05 | 0:03:07 | |
I want to treat April like a queen, | 0:03:07 | 0:03:08 | |
and queens deserve flowers and massages, | 0:03:08 | 0:03:14 | |
chocolate, booze, | 0:03:14 | 0:03:17 | |
diamonds, rubies, emeralds, them treasure chests full of scarves, | 0:03:17 | 0:03:21 | |
different kinds of lubes that warm up when you rub 'em on stuff. | 0:03:21 | 0:03:24 | |
I'm gonna give her all that stuff and more. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:27 | |
Hmm, that sounds pretty awesome. Yeah, let's do it. | 0:03:27 | 0:03:30 | |
-OK. -OK. -All right. Bye. -Bye. | 0:03:30 | 0:03:33 | |
I don't know. I guess we're dating. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:36 | |
It's new. Whatever. I don't like labels. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:39 | |
Go away. | 0:03:41 | 0:03:43 | |
-This? -That would be good. -But does it say, "Hello, general assembly, | 0:03:43 | 0:03:47 | |
"I've come to Indianapolis to accept your commendation"? | 0:03:47 | 0:03:50 | |
As much as any one dress could. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:51 | |
-Hmm. -Leslie, I think Chris is cheating on me. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:54 | |
What? That lying bastard! Wait. How do you know? | 0:03:54 | 0:03:57 | |
I don't have any actual proof. | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
Oh, then I'm sure he's not cheating on you. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:01 | |
And if he is, he's a monster. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:04 | |
And if he's not, you guys are great together. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:06 | |
But if he is, I will kill him. | 0:04:06 | 0:04:07 | |
Well, we had a really good conversation | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
about our relationship last week, | 0:04:09 | 0:04:10 | |
and he was very reassuring that we're headed in a good direction. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:14 | |
-Great. -But then he got distant. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
-Oh. -And when I asked to come visit him in Indianapolis, | 0:04:16 | 0:04:19 | |
he was totally weird. | 0:04:19 | 0:04:20 | |
-He was weird. -Look, it sounds like you're just spiralling. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:24 | |
But what if I'm not? What if I'm not? What if he has a girl up there? | 0:04:24 | 0:04:27 | |
I think he's cheating on me. | 0:04:27 | 0:04:29 | |
Wow. OK. Well, luckily, I'm heading up there. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:32 | |
I'll invite him out to dinner and poke around a little bit. | 0:04:32 | 0:04:35 | |
-OK. -I mean, he's not gonna be able to keep anything from me. | 0:04:35 | 0:04:38 | |
In high school, they used to call me Angela Lansbury. | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
But that was because of my haircut. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:43 | |
Hey, champ. | 0:04:43 | 0:04:45 | |
-Hey, champ...ion. -Listen, you should come out tonight. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:48 | |
The club's gonna be dope. Plus, I'm pretty sure | 0:04:48 | 0:04:50 | |
-you have nothing else going on. -Well, that's not totally true. | 0:04:50 | 0:04:53 | |
The owner of the motel I'm staying at | 0:04:53 | 0:04:55 | |
said she was gonna screen Hope Floats in the lobby. | 0:04:55 | 0:04:58 | |
Asked me if I wanted to watch. | 0:04:58 | 0:04:59 | |
Yeah. You should probably get out of that. | 0:04:59 | 0:05:01 | |
I think she's gonna murder you. Come on down to the Snakehole. | 0:05:01 | 0:05:04 | |
I'm not gonna take no for an answer. | 0:05:04 | 0:05:06 | |
-OK. Yeah, no, I'll... I'll stop by. Thank you. -Cool. | 0:05:06 | 0:05:09 | |
-Hey, you mind if I ask? What are you gonna wear tonight? -Uh, you know, | 0:05:09 | 0:05:12 | |
I was probably just gonna stick with this. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:15 | |
HE LAUGHS: Come on, seriously. What are you gonna wear? | 0:05:15 | 0:05:18 | |
-Oh, something different, probably go home and grab something. -Cool. | 0:05:18 | 0:05:21 | |
If you would be willing to just take a brief pit stop, we could see... | 0:05:23 | 0:05:27 | |
Indiana's second largest rocking chair. | 0:05:27 | 0:05:29 | |
-No. -Then maybe we should take a quick two-hour sojourn | 0:05:29 | 0:05:33 | |
to Dame Gervin's Misshapen Celebrity Castle. | 0:05:33 | 0:05:37 | |
It's where Madame Tussaud sends all of its failed wax figures, | 0:05:37 | 0:05:40 | |
-and, if you can figure out who it is, you get to take it home. -No. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:43 | |
What's wrong with you, grouchy pants? | 0:05:43 | 0:05:45 | |
I've been fasting all day to save room for Mulligan's. | 0:05:45 | 0:05:48 | |
-Fasting's not healthy for you, Ron. -Leslie, you need to understand, | 0:05:48 | 0:05:51 | |
we are heading for the most special place on earth. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:54 | |
When I'm done eating a Mulligan's meal, | 0:05:54 | 0:05:56 | |
for weeks afterwards, there are flecks of meat | 0:05:56 | 0:05:58 | |
in my moustache, and I refuse to clean it, because, | 0:05:58 | 0:06:01 | |
every now and then, a piece of meat will fall into my mouth. | 0:06:01 | 0:06:04 | |
Oh, I forgot to say, Chris Traeger is joining us for dinner tonight. | 0:06:04 | 0:06:07 | |
-Please tell me he's meeting us at the restaurant. -No. | 0:06:07 | 0:06:09 | |
-We are picking him up. -Damn it, woman! | 0:06:09 | 0:06:11 | |
Welcome. I am so glad you guys called. | 0:06:12 | 0:06:14 | |
-This is gonna be great. Come on in, come on in. -Sure. -Or we could just... | 0:06:14 | 0:06:17 | |
-Wow! Look at your foyer. It's like a spa in here. -Exactly. | 0:06:17 | 0:06:23 | |
The entranceway to your house sends a message about who you are. | 0:06:23 | 0:06:26 | |
And the front door provides energy flow and opportunity. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:29 | |
-You cannot limit that. -Yeah. Ron doesn't even have a front door. | 0:06:29 | 0:06:32 | |
He won't even tell me his address. | 0:06:32 | 0:06:34 | |
-Ask him where he lives. -Where do you live? | 0:06:34 | 0:06:36 | |
Why? | 0:06:36 | 0:06:37 | |
So this is some kind of coat closet or something? | 0:06:37 | 0:06:41 | |
Ah! Wow. There's a lot of men's coats in here. | 0:06:41 | 0:06:44 | |
I like coats. | 0:06:44 | 0:06:46 | |
Could I use your bathroom really quick? | 0:06:46 | 0:06:48 | |
-It's right behind you. -Great. | 0:06:48 | 0:06:49 | |
Oh, the toilet seat's up. | 0:06:49 | 0:06:51 | |
MUSIC PLAYING | 0:06:52 | 0:06:55 | |
Hey, let me get a beer and a Pawnee sunrise. | 0:06:55 | 0:06:59 | |
-Do you want to pay cash or start a tab? -I... It's... Uh, I-I know Tom. | 0:06:59 | 0:07:03 | |
-Tom who? -Tom Hammen... Hammenstein. -Haverford. -Haverford. | 0:07:03 | 0:07:06 | |
He's, like, my best friend. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
Hey, Freddy, this guy says he knows Tom and wants a drink for free. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:12 | |
-You, uh, you have money to pay for those drinks? -Yes. | 0:07:12 | 0:07:15 | |
-No. -Make room for the paying customers, huh? | 0:07:16 | 0:07:19 | |
-Let's go, Knope! -Just one second. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:25 | |
-ANN: 'Hey, what's up?' -Hey, I think you might be right. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:28 | |
I found a women's razor in Chris' shower | 0:07:28 | 0:07:31 | |
-'and a pink swimming cap. -Are you serious? What the hell?' | 0:07:31 | 0:07:34 | |
You know, it could be nothing, but it feels like something. I don't... | 0:07:34 | 0:07:37 | |
'I'm coming up there.' PHONE RECEIVER CLICKS | 0:07:37 | 0:07:39 | |
-Wait. -HORN HONKS | 0:07:39 | 0:07:41 | |
-All right, OK. -All right, let's go. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
Oh, my God! They...they just forgot to unlock the door, that's all. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:50 | |
Ron, it looks like they're closed | 0:07:51 | 0:07:53 | |
for some kind of health code violation. | 0:07:53 | 0:07:56 | |
-Aah! -Ron, stop it! Ron? | 0:07:56 | 0:07:58 | |
They just boarded her up like she was some common warehouse. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:07 | |
I should have been here. | 0:08:07 | 0:08:09 | |
What happened to the steaks that were in there when they closed? | 0:08:09 | 0:08:13 | |
Do you think they got eaten? | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
Why don't we go back to my place | 0:08:15 | 0:08:17 | |
and I'll fire up the grill? | 0:08:17 | 0:08:19 | |
-You sure you're not expecting company or something? -No. | 0:08:19 | 0:08:23 | |
What do you say, Ron? Go back to my place and make you some grub? | 0:08:23 | 0:08:26 | |
It'll be just as good as it would have been here. | 0:08:26 | 0:08:30 | |
-OK. -OK. | 0:08:30 | 0:08:31 | |
That man is a legend. Think about all the scents he's created. | 0:08:31 | 0:08:36 | |
Attack, Yearning, Thickening, Itch, Coma, Sideboob. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:41 | |
Dennis Feinstein, though? I don't know. | 0:08:41 | 0:08:43 | |
He should probably change his name to something a little more exotic | 0:08:43 | 0:08:47 | |
if he wants to make it big in perfume. | 0:08:47 | 0:08:48 | |
Oh, his real name is Dante Fiero, but he changed it | 0:08:48 | 0:08:51 | |
to Dennis Feinstein cos that's way more exotic in Pawnee. | 0:08:51 | 0:08:53 | |
OK. So what's your plan? | 0:08:53 | 0:08:55 | |
Wait till he's alone, then I walk up and spray him | 0:08:55 | 0:08:59 | |
with Tommy Fresh, and I say, "Uh-oh. | 0:08:59 | 0:09:02 | |
-"Looks like you just nailed your future." -Yeah. That... | 0:09:02 | 0:09:06 | |
might actually work. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:08 | |
Is everything OK? | 0:09:09 | 0:09:11 | |
Um, it kind of sucks that I'm super broke and I want to buy you stuff | 0:09:11 | 0:09:16 | |
and it's embarrassing that I can't, but... | 0:09:16 | 0:09:19 | |
I'm broke too, and I don't want anything. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:21 | |
I just want to hang out with you. | 0:09:21 | 0:09:23 | |
Plus, I can get free drinks any time I want. | 0:09:23 | 0:09:25 | |
How? | 0:09:25 | 0:09:26 | |
Uh, I'm a girl in a sleazy club. | 0:09:26 | 0:09:29 | |
-Hey. -Hey. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:33 | |
-I hate drinking alone. -Can I get you a drink? | 0:09:33 | 0:09:36 | |
Sure. ..Triple whisky. | 0:09:36 | 0:09:37 | |
What's your name? | 0:09:37 | 0:09:39 | |
-Oprah. -I'm Kevin. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:41 | |
Cool. I kind of want to drink alone. | 0:09:41 | 0:09:43 | |
-But... -I said I want to drink alone. Thanks. Bye. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:46 | |
Here. You take this one. | 0:09:46 | 0:09:48 | |
I will, um, get myself a Martini from that idiot. | 0:09:48 | 0:09:54 | |
So, Chris, do you have any sisters? | 0:09:54 | 0:09:57 | |
No, I don't, Leslie. Do you have sisters? | 0:09:57 | 0:09:59 | |
Maybe. So how's your mom? Is she visiting? | 0:09:59 | 0:10:02 | |
-No, she's home up in Wisconsin. Is your mom visiting? -Any aunts? | 0:10:02 | 0:10:04 | |
-Nope. You have aunts? -Girl cousins? | 0:10:04 | 0:10:06 | |
-A youthful grandmother, perhaps? -Nope. | 0:10:06 | 0:10:08 | |
Did you forget how to have a conversation? | 0:10:08 | 0:10:11 | |
I am so happy you guys are here. I'm gonna go fire up the grill. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:15 | |
-I'm gonna kill him, Ron. -Why? | 0:10:15 | 0:10:17 | |
Chris is cheating on Ann. There's evidence everywhere. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:20 | |
She's coming up here so they can have it out. | 0:10:20 | 0:10:23 | |
Ask her to bring some garlic salt. I'm worried Chris doesn't have any. | 0:10:23 | 0:10:27 | |
MUSIC PLAYING | 0:10:28 | 0:10:30 | |
HE GASPS I got this from a waiter. | 0:10:30 | 0:10:32 | |
I told him I had a pork deficiency. | 0:10:32 | 0:10:34 | |
Sweet! Pigs in a blanket. I always wondered why they call them that. | 0:10:34 | 0:10:37 | |
Look what I got. Look what I got from the bathroom. | 0:10:37 | 0:10:40 | |
Mints. Six of them. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:42 | |
-Nice. -Yeah. | 0:10:42 | 0:10:43 | |
OK, whoever gets the most free stuff by the end of the night wins. | 0:10:43 | 0:10:48 | |
Deal. | 0:10:48 | 0:10:50 | |
Go! | 0:10:50 | 0:10:52 | |
Ron, would you like some salad? | 0:10:52 | 0:10:54 | |
Since I am not a rabbit, no, I do not. | 0:10:54 | 0:10:57 | |
-Try it. Salad's good for you. -You got it. | 0:10:57 | 0:10:59 | |
Mmm, delicious. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:03 | |
So, Chris, what do you do up here in your spare time? | 0:11:03 | 0:11:06 | |
Well, uh, I exercise, and I exercise my mind. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:09 | |
And I try to keep up on current events. | 0:11:09 | 0:11:12 | |
-Oh, that's what you call it. -Sorry? -How are things going with Ann? | 0:11:12 | 0:11:15 | |
You know what's funny about Ann? | 0:11:15 | 0:11:16 | |
She's my best friend, and anyone who'd hurt her | 0:11:16 | 0:11:19 | |
is someone I would murder probably. | 0:11:19 | 0:11:20 | |
Oh, is that what's upsetting you? | 0:11:20 | 0:11:23 | |
Hmm? | 0:11:23 | 0:11:24 | |
This is very uncomfortable for me. I don't know what to say. | 0:11:24 | 0:11:27 | |
Watch the master work it. I'm the Yoda of networking. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:32 | |
Well, Yoda wouldn't actually need networking. I mean, | 0:11:32 | 0:11:34 | |
-his powers were more spiritual. -Shut up, you nerd! -I get it. OK. | 0:11:34 | 0:11:38 | |
Mr Feinstein, Tom Haverford. | 0:11:40 | 0:11:43 | |
I'm the organiser of this soiree and I'm also a huge fan of yours. | 0:11:43 | 0:11:47 | |
I use all your cologne, sometimes two at once. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:49 | |
I don't recommend that. Are you from the FDA? | 0:11:49 | 0:11:51 | |
You know, legally, if you're from the FDA, you have to tell me. | 0:11:51 | 0:11:55 | |
I wanted to talk to you, because I actually created my own scent. | 0:11:55 | 0:11:59 | |
Oh, great. I'd love to smell it, right? | 0:11:59 | 0:12:02 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:12:02 | 0:12:03 | |
-I know you're a busy guy. -Yeah, man. I'm crazy busy! | 0:12:03 | 0:12:06 | |
But all day long, people are pitching me colognes. | 0:12:06 | 0:12:09 | |
That guy just pitched me a cologne called "Sluts." | 0:12:09 | 0:12:11 | |
I'm gonna tell you what I told him. Not just anybody can do this. | 0:12:11 | 0:12:14 | |
Although it's a great name and I'll probably steal it. | 0:12:14 | 0:12:16 | |
Please, it'll take two seconds. If you like it, | 0:12:16 | 0:12:18 | |
maybe we go into business together, branch out in other states, | 0:12:18 | 0:12:21 | |
move over to watches and fancy raincoats, | 0:12:21 | 0:12:23 | |
open up stores in London and Paris. | 0:12:23 | 0:12:25 | |
I don't know. I haven't thought it through. But for now, | 0:12:25 | 0:12:27 | |
I want to present Tommy Fresh. | 0:12:27 | 0:12:31 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:12:31 | 0:12:35 | |
All right, I get it. | 0:12:35 | 0:12:37 | |
It's a gag scent! Hilarious! | 0:12:37 | 0:12:39 | |
As in, "It's hilarious how awesome it is"? | 0:12:39 | 0:12:42 | |
It smells like somebody spilled Chinese food in a bird cage. | 0:12:42 | 0:12:45 | |
Horrible. It's assaultive! | 0:12:45 | 0:12:47 | |
It takes everything in my power to not retch right now. | 0:12:47 | 0:12:50 | |
Kid, you need to find another game. | 0:12:50 | 0:12:53 | |
Leave perfumery to the real men. | 0:12:53 | 0:12:56 | |
Hey, Ann, if you get this, I don't know if you should come up here. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:02 | |
He's not worth it, OK? Just call me, let me know where you are, | 0:13:02 | 0:13:04 | |
-and if you have... -Aah! | 0:13:04 | 0:13:06 | |
-Ron? -What in the devil's name is this? | 0:13:06 | 0:13:10 | |
-Portobello mushrooms. -Where's the steak? -Oh, there's no steak. | 0:13:10 | 0:13:13 | |
-That's a healthier option. It's organically grown. -Lord! | 0:13:13 | 0:13:17 | |
Ron, are you OK? | 0:13:17 | 0:13:19 | |
Whoa, whoa, whoa, OK. Could you get us a cold compress or something? | 0:13:19 | 0:13:23 | |
MUSIC PLAYING | 0:13:23 | 0:13:26 | |
Hey, uh, six beers for, uh, table 12. | 0:13:29 | 0:13:33 | |
-Do you work here? -Yeah. | 0:13:33 | 0:13:35 | |
My dad owns this place. I'm Janet. Janet Snakehole. | 0:13:35 | 0:13:38 | |
Hey! This round's on the house! | 0:13:38 | 0:13:41 | |
-All right! -Whoo! | 0:13:41 | 0:13:43 | |
How about some tips? | 0:13:43 | 0:13:44 | |
-Uh, gum or mint, sir? -Uh, gum. -All out, sir. -Then mints, I guess. | 0:13:44 | 0:13:49 | |
Don't have those either, sir. | 0:13:49 | 0:13:50 | |
-Do you have anything? -Out of everything, sir. | 0:13:50 | 0:13:52 | |
'This is so awesome!' | 0:13:54 | 0:13:56 | |
'We are like Robin Hood. We steal from the club' | 0:13:56 | 0:14:00 | |
and we give to ourselves. | 0:14:00 | 0:14:02 | |
Look, we'll find a 24-hour diner. | 0:14:02 | 0:14:04 | |
Or we can get one of those cows that we saw on the way up here | 0:14:04 | 0:14:06 | |
and we'll bring it back and we'll make steaks out of that. | 0:14:06 | 0:14:09 | |
DOOR SLAMS | 0:14:09 | 0:14:10 | |
Ann Perkins, what are you doing here? | 0:14:10 | 0:14:12 | |
Whose pink razor is in your shower? | 0:14:12 | 0:14:13 | |
-Excuse me? -Leslie found a pink razor | 0:14:13 | 0:14:16 | |
and a pink swimming cap in your shower. Whose is it? | 0:14:16 | 0:14:19 | |
I guess you're talking about my razor. | 0:14:19 | 0:14:21 | |
I shave my legs for swimming, and women's razors work better. | 0:14:21 | 0:14:23 | |
For whatever reason, men's razor technology | 0:14:23 | 0:14:25 | |
hasn't figured out how to properly contour the shinbone. | 0:14:25 | 0:14:28 | |
And...and the swimming cap? | 0:14:28 | 0:14:30 | |
Indiana breast cancer awareness triathlon 2009. Came in fourth. | 0:14:30 | 0:14:34 | |
Well, I found concealer in your medicine cabinet. | 0:14:34 | 0:14:37 | |
What's that about? | 0:14:37 | 0:14:39 | |
I'm a human being. Sometimes I get blemishes. I'm not perfect. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:43 | |
Oh, God. I am so sorry, honey. I'm so embarrassed. | 0:14:43 | 0:14:47 | |
I was scared that you were cheating on me. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:49 | |
HE LAUGHS No, I'm not cheating on you. | 0:14:49 | 0:14:53 | |
But I'm also not dating you. | 0:14:53 | 0:14:55 | |
We broke up last week. | 0:14:55 | 0:14:58 | |
We talked at your house. Do you not remember this? | 0:15:00 | 0:15:04 | |
Of course I remember, but we didn't break up. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:06 | |
I'm sorry, Ann, but I'm certain we did. | 0:15:06 | 0:15:08 | |
OK, you said that you didn't want to leave Pawnee | 0:15:08 | 0:15:10 | |
and that I was the most amazing woman you had ever met. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:13 | |
-Which you are. -Then I said I would move to Indianapolis if I had to, | 0:15:13 | 0:15:16 | |
and you said you didn't want to make me do that, | 0:15:16 | 0:15:18 | |
and then you said that in a different world... | 0:15:18 | 0:15:20 | |
Oh, my God. You broke up with me. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:22 | |
Oh, my God. | 0:15:23 | 0:15:25 | |
Yeah, so here's what happened. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:27 | |
Sweet and beautiful Ann has never been dumped before, | 0:15:27 | 0:15:30 | |
and Chris is such a positive person, | 0:15:30 | 0:15:32 | |
when he broke up with her, she just didn't realise it. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:34 | |
It's kind of understandable, | 0:15:34 | 0:15:36 | |
although it does kind of make you wonder | 0:15:36 | 0:15:37 | |
how good of a nurse she is. | 0:15:37 | 0:15:39 | |
Oh, my God. You left, | 0:15:39 | 0:15:41 | |
and you said you were gonna work late, and I kissed you? | 0:15:41 | 0:15:43 | |
As enjoyable as that was, I did find it odd. | 0:15:43 | 0:15:46 | |
SHE EXHALES | 0:15:46 | 0:15:47 | |
And then I wanted you to meet my parents? | 0:15:47 | 0:15:49 | |
-I'm sure they're great people, but strange. -This is humiliating. | 0:15:49 | 0:15:52 | |
I'm sorry, I gotta go. | 0:15:52 | 0:15:54 | |
Hey, w... | 0:15:54 | 0:15:55 | |
Hey, man. | 0:15:57 | 0:15:59 | |
I, uh, got you another melontini. | 0:15:59 | 0:16:03 | |
Thanks. | 0:16:03 | 0:16:05 | |
Listen, that guy is a jerk, and if you ask me, he smells like... | 0:16:06 | 0:16:12 | |
Success. | 0:16:12 | 0:16:14 | |
He smells like success. | 0:16:14 | 0:16:18 | |
-You know what I smell like? -A teriyaki hairpiece? | 0:16:18 | 0:16:24 | |
I smell like the guy who's always coming up short. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:28 | |
And you know what? I'm just sick of it. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:30 | |
Tommy Fresh was my dream. | 0:16:30 | 0:16:32 | |
Now no-one's ever gonna smell it but me. | 0:16:34 | 0:16:36 | |
I can smell your dreams, Tom. | 0:16:36 | 0:16:38 | |
I can. | 0:16:38 | 0:16:40 | |
And I can smell 'em from here. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:43 | |
-And honestly, they smell -BLEEPING -terrible. | 0:16:43 | 0:16:46 | |
But I like Tom. | 0:16:48 | 0:16:50 | |
-I've got a jar of olives. -Heh! Nice. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:53 | |
A thing of toothpicks that look like swords. | 0:16:53 | 0:16:56 | |
And a year's supply of toilet paper. | 0:16:56 | 0:16:59 | |
I got... Boom! ..38 in tips. | 0:16:59 | 0:17:05 | |
180. | 0:17:05 | 0:17:07 | |
BOTH: We should give it back. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:12 | |
-Follow me. -OK. | 0:17:14 | 0:17:16 | |
Oh, my God. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:19 | |
Wow. Thank you. | 0:17:25 | 0:17:28 | |
One time, when I was in high school, | 0:17:30 | 0:17:31 | |
a guy's mom called me and broke up with me for him. | 0:17:31 | 0:17:34 | |
There was another time where I was on a date | 0:17:36 | 0:17:39 | |
and I tripped and broke my kneecap. | 0:17:39 | 0:17:41 | |
And then the guy said he wasn't "feelin' it," | 0:17:41 | 0:17:43 | |
so he left and I waited for an ambulance. | 0:17:43 | 0:17:46 | |
One time I was dating this guy for a while, and then | 0:17:46 | 0:17:49 | |
he got down on one knee and begged me to never call him again. | 0:17:49 | 0:17:51 | |
One guy broke up with me while we were in the shower together. | 0:17:51 | 0:17:54 | |
Skywriting isn't always positive. | 0:17:54 | 0:17:56 | |
Another time, a guy invited me to a beautiful picnic | 0:17:56 | 0:18:00 | |
with wine and flowers, and then, when I tried to sit down, | 0:18:00 | 0:18:03 | |
he said, "Don't eat anything. Rebecca's coming." | 0:18:03 | 0:18:06 | |
-And then he broke up with me. -BOTH LAUGH | 0:18:06 | 0:18:08 | |
-Who was Rebecca? -Yeah. Exactly. | 0:18:08 | 0:18:11 | |
Thanks for driving me. | 0:18:11 | 0:18:14 | |
Wait. You're getting your commendation tomorrow | 0:18:14 | 0:18:16 | |
-at the Statehouse. -Oh, please. It's just a goofy ceremony. | 0:18:16 | 0:18:20 | |
-I don't even care about it. -Leslie. | 0:18:20 | 0:18:22 | |
Besides, Ron is staying behind. He'll go. | 0:18:22 | 0:18:25 | |
Is Ron gonna be OK? | 0:18:25 | 0:18:27 | |
SHE SIGHS | 0:18:27 | 0:18:30 | |
I honestly don't know. | 0:18:30 | 0:18:31 | |
This isn't a steak. Why would you call it that on your menu? | 0:18:36 | 0:18:39 | |
I don't know what to tell you, man. | 0:18:39 | 0:18:41 | |
Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. | 0:18:44 | 0:18:47 | |
Wait, wait. | 0:18:47 | 0:18:48 | |
I worry what you just heard was, "Give me a lot of bacon and eggs." | 0:18:48 | 0:18:52 | |
What I said was, give me ALL the bacon and eggs you have. | 0:18:52 | 0:18:58 | |
Do you understand? | 0:18:58 | 0:18:59 | |
It's called a tommytini. | 0:19:03 | 0:19:05 | |
It's just vodka and a bunch of cinnamon. | 0:19:05 | 0:19:07 | |
That sounds gross. | 0:19:07 | 0:19:09 | |
-Ben! -Oh, Miller lite. | 0:19:09 | 0:19:11 | |
-How'd you know? -Everybody knows. That's your drink. | 0:19:11 | 0:19:14 | |
-Tommy. -Let's do this. | 0:19:14 | 0:19:16 | |
# You know just what I need I need that fast money | 0:19:16 | 0:19:19 | |
# Fast cars, fast women...# | 0:19:19 | 0:19:21 | |
Mmm! | 0:19:21 | 0:19:22 | |
How's it going? | 0:19:22 | 0:19:24 | |
Hey, look who's socialising! | 0:19:24 | 0:19:26 | |
-Yeah, and I'm having a good time. -Sit with us. -OK. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:28 | |
Ann's in kind of a crappy mood, because Chris dumped her. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:32 | |
Ah, yeah, like a week ago, right? | 0:19:32 | 0:19:35 | |
Yeah, but I only knew about it an hour ago. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:39 | |
Oh, so that's why you tried to kiss him. | 0:19:39 | 0:19:41 | |
We were all seriously confused about that. | 0:19:41 | 0:19:44 | |
Who's "we"? What are you...? Oh, God! | 0:19:44 | 0:19:46 | |
Did you keep the toilet paper? | 0:19:49 | 0:19:50 | |
-Yes. I feel bad, but I need it. -Ew! HE LAUGHS | 0:19:50 | 0:19:52 | |
Hey, hey, that's gotta be Feinstein's car. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:57 | |
Give me the Tommy Fresh. | 0:19:57 | 0:19:58 | |
-Why? -Gimme the Tommy Fresh. | 0:19:58 | 0:20:00 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:03 | 0:20:05 | |
He's gonna smell your dreams now. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:08 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:20:08 | 0:20:09 | |
-Are you OK? -HE GAGS | 0:20:09 | 0:20:11 | |
-Is it that bad? -Oh, my God, it's unbelievable. | 0:20:11 | 0:20:14 | |
-Oh! -HE GROANS | 0:20:14 | 0:20:15 |