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This programme contains strong language | 0:00:02 | 0:00:05 | |
ALARM SOUNDS Hey, hold on. Alarm! | 0:00:05 | 0:00:07 | |
There you go, it's midnight. It's popping off. | 0:00:07 | 0:00:11 | |
Right now is a lyrical tribute, yeah, to my Angel, | 0:00:11 | 0:00:16 | |
and it is because she is turning... | 0:00:16 | 0:00:18 | |
..a whole year older. | 0:00:20 | 0:00:22 | |
RAPPING ON RADIO: # Turn it up, turn it up. Who's ready? Who's ready? | 0:00:22 | 0:00:27 | |
-# I'm ready. -She's the one She's my number one... | 0:00:27 | 0:00:29 | |
# First I had sex with her mum in the car, then she came out like "Raah!" | 0:00:29 | 0:00:33 | |
# Never seen that before | 0:00:33 | 0:00:34 | |
# I never seen that before, the first sight that I saw | 0:00:34 | 0:00:36 | |
# I knew that, what? | 0:00:36 | 0:00:38 | |
# She take the gallery by storm, she take the gallery by storm, car! | 0:00:38 | 0:00:41 | |
# It's her destiny-ny to be... It's her destiny-ny to be... | 0:00:41 | 0:00:44 | |
# To be the first female garage MC. # | 0:00:44 | 0:00:46 | |
Well, not the first... # But the first to do it properly. | 0:00:46 | 0:00:49 | |
# A lyrical monopoly, lyrical legacy, it's hereditary to be what? | 0:00:49 | 0:00:53 | |
# The best garage MC, car! | 0:00:53 | 0:00:55 | |
# Who's your daddy-dy? Who's your daddy? | 0:00:55 | 0:00:58 | |
# It's me. The...the MC. | 0:00:58 | 0:01:02 | |
That was pure emotional inside. | 0:01:05 | 0:01:08 | |
We're all feeling it. | 0:01:08 | 0:01:09 | |
Steves has even got a tear in his eye. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:12 | |
Yeah, man. I think it might just be from the smoke, but I would... | 0:01:12 | 0:01:16 | |
Yeah, it was emotional though. | 0:01:16 | 0:01:17 | |
Still liked it. You still liked it. | 0:01:17 | 0:01:20 | |
Really enjoyed it. | 0:01:20 | 0:01:21 | |
Hold on. | 0:01:23 | 0:01:24 | |
COUGHING | 0:01:25 | 0:01:27 | |
Easy boys. You all right? Come through. | 0:01:27 | 0:01:29 | |
The old birthday thing, you know what I mean? Better early, like. | 0:01:29 | 0:01:33 | |
-Yeah. -Easy! Ah, look at that! Look how she's holding the spoon. | 0:01:33 | 0:01:36 | |
It's like a mic. | 0:01:36 | 0:01:37 | |
Natural instinct. Just like her dad, eh? | 0:01:37 | 0:01:40 | |
Got to do the old cards and that, yeah? | 0:01:40 | 0:01:42 | |
Yeah, got loads of cards. It's amazing. | 0:01:42 | 0:01:45 | |
Crack one open, see what it says. | 0:01:45 | 0:01:46 | |
-Happy birthday, Angel. -That's a thoughtful message. | 0:01:48 | 0:01:51 | |
Not even any money in it as well. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:53 | |
It's pointless if they're not going to make a effort, | 0:01:53 | 0:01:56 | |
you know what I mean? | 0:01:56 | 0:01:57 | |
-Aw, don't worry, Angel. Nana sent you some money, hasn't she? -Yes. | 0:01:57 | 0:02:00 | |
Tell 'em how old you are today. | 0:02:00 | 0:02:02 | |
Five. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:03 | |
Big five! My little Angel's getting old. | 0:02:03 | 0:02:06 | |
I started getting, like, crow's feet and deep lines when I was your age, | 0:02:06 | 0:02:09 | |
so you're lucky that Mummy knows how to fight the signs of ageing. | 0:02:09 | 0:02:13 | |
Got two-for-one manicure and eyebrow threading | 0:02:13 | 0:02:16 | |
at Brentford Nails down the high street. | 0:02:16 | 0:02:18 | |
Just a little birthday treat for my little birthday lady. | 0:02:18 | 0:02:20 | |
I've got something as well, actually. I was going to wait for him | 0:02:20 | 0:02:24 | |
to get down here, yeah, before I told you | 0:02:24 | 0:02:26 | |
but Decoy is actually going to be your chauffeur, | 0:02:26 | 0:02:28 | |
the driver for the day, so... | 0:02:28 | 0:02:30 | |
BOTH: Thanks. | 0:02:30 | 0:02:32 | |
Yeah, that's it cos you've got to look good | 0:02:32 | 0:02:34 | |
-for your little party, ain't you? -Yeah. -Yeah? Aw! | 0:02:34 | 0:02:38 | |
Party being actually organised by yours truly. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:41 | |
It's going to be an absolute madness, innit? | 0:02:41 | 0:02:44 | |
-She's going to be going mental, this little one, innit? -Aw. | 0:02:44 | 0:02:47 | |
Thing is with kids, yeah, it's, like, quite hard to predict | 0:02:47 | 0:02:50 | |
their little life moments, like. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:52 | |
That's why birthdays are good cos you can always see 'em coming and, like, | 0:02:52 | 0:02:55 | |
make sure you're always there for everyone like, you know what I mean? | 0:02:55 | 0:03:00 | |
Not the actual birth, however. | 0:03:00 | 0:03:02 | |
I was just thinking, cos the actual birth is different. | 0:03:02 | 0:03:05 | |
We had a whole new aerial revamp. | 0:03:05 | 0:03:07 | |
We had to do the...the station up and that. | 0:03:07 | 0:03:09 | |
It's bare madness and Miche understood. | 0:03:09 | 0:03:12 | |
Anyway, on her way to the hospital | 0:03:12 | 0:03:14 | |
she ended up bumping into Decoy so he took her, it was fine, | 0:03:14 | 0:03:17 | |
do you know what I mean? | 0:03:17 | 0:03:18 | |
All worked out in the end. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:20 | |
Even took some photos. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:21 | |
I did make him delete them though, cos he shouldn't really | 0:03:21 | 0:03:25 | |
have been down that end in the first place cos it's a bit... | 0:03:25 | 0:03:29 | |
Make sure you have a good time, yeah? | 0:03:29 | 0:03:31 | |
When you get back, Daddy'll have a little party sorted for you, yeah? | 0:03:31 | 0:03:34 | |
-Yeah. -All right, sweet. Don't be running off with them, yeah? | 0:03:34 | 0:03:37 | |
'Course not, man. Do you want me to get anything? | 0:03:37 | 0:03:40 | |
No, got it all sorted, mate. | 0:03:40 | 0:03:41 | |
Chabuds is getting this banging Polish premium vodka, like. | 0:03:41 | 0:03:44 | |
Yeah, but what about, like, balloons or a cake or something? | 0:03:44 | 0:03:47 | |
Yeah...Yes, I've got it all on here. Don't think about it. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:51 | |
-I'm sorting it. Come on! -Yeah? All right. -Come on, guys, get out, yeah? | 0:03:51 | 0:03:54 | |
-All right, yeah. -See you lot later. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:56 | |
Sorry. | 0:03:56 | 0:03:57 | |
Sorry. | 0:03:57 | 0:03:58 | |
Ah, it's all worth it though, innit? | 0:04:04 | 0:04:06 | |
See the look on her face? Ah, she's so excited. | 0:04:06 | 0:04:09 | |
To me it's about giving her a memory she will never forget. | 0:04:09 | 0:04:13 | |
Although she probably will forget it cos she's only five and, like, | 0:04:13 | 0:04:17 | |
when she gets into her drug-taking years she'll be getting wrecked | 0:04:17 | 0:04:20 | |
and her memory will get wiped, so... | 0:04:20 | 0:04:23 | |
Still good to make an effort though. | 0:04:23 | 0:04:25 | |
# Open up your gap... # | 0:04:32 | 0:04:34 | |
Sorry. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:36 | |
-Oh, no. No, I like that. I like that tune. -Yeah? | 0:04:36 | 0:04:38 | |
Yeah, yeah. | 0:04:38 | 0:04:39 | |
Even with... | 0:04:40 | 0:04:41 | |
-Oh, you like this one, don't you, Angel? -Yeah. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:44 | |
# Girl, you gave me all your pussy | 0:04:46 | 0:04:51 | |
# And you even licked my balls # | 0:04:51 | 0:04:54 | |
All right, so 35 for the smoke machine, yeah? | 0:04:59 | 0:05:03 | |
Right, er, chuck in a couple of the strobes and I'll bump it up | 0:05:03 | 0:05:06 | |
to 40, we'll call it quits, get a little drink for yourself, eh? | 0:05:06 | 0:05:09 | |
'Which strobes...' | 0:05:09 | 0:05:10 | |
Boss, I've got them vodkas for tonight, mate. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:12 | |
Straight from Poland, yeah. Fresh off the boat. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:15 | |
Ssh! | 0:05:15 | 0:05:17 | |
Why don't you come a bit later? | 0:05:17 | 0:05:18 | |
I knew you were busy and that, I thought you might need... | 0:05:18 | 0:05:21 | |
-One second mate. -..spare hands and that. -Just, whatever, just... | 0:05:21 | 0:05:24 | |
People actually read it as Polish, | 0:05:26 | 0:05:29 | |
so it's a... It's a good legal loophole that we've got going on. | 0:05:29 | 0:05:33 | |
You know, the first few batches we had a few teething problems, | 0:05:33 | 0:05:36 | |
you know, people losing their teeth and that. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:38 | |
Erm, but what we've tried to do is make it as strong as possible | 0:05:38 | 0:05:42 | |
without any serious side effects or noticeable disabilities. | 0:05:42 | 0:05:48 | |
People in Southall already going crazy for it. | 0:05:48 | 0:05:51 | |
Don't care. Don't do birthday cakes. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:53 | |
Get the geezer that comes in a van to pick one up on the way. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:56 | |
-'We don't just...' -Can I speak to someone that's... | 0:05:56 | 0:05:59 | |
Oh, give me someone that's above you, yeah? | 0:05:59 | 0:06:01 | |
Don't touch that! Steves! Come on, mate. Huh? | 0:06:01 | 0:06:05 | |
Wake up, you've got your set in a minute, you mug. Hello? | 0:06:05 | 0:06:09 | |
Yeah, I know, I know. | 0:06:09 | 0:06:10 | |
Right, basically, if I'm forking out all this for the smoke machine, | 0:06:10 | 0:06:14 | |
I'm definitely going to need a birthday cake chucked in. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:17 | |
Well, I don't care if it's not Argos policy, yeah. Change it! | 0:06:17 | 0:06:21 | |
That's my policy! | 0:06:21 | 0:06:22 | |
There. That's the only one I could find. | 0:06:31 | 0:06:33 | |
Ah, thank you. Cheers. | 0:06:33 | 0:06:36 | |
Put that on. | 0:06:37 | 0:06:38 | |
-I'll tuck it in. Shall I tuck it in? -Yeah, tuck it in. | 0:06:38 | 0:06:42 | |
All the way round. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:43 | |
There! Hey! | 0:06:44 | 0:06:46 | |
There you go. | 0:06:46 | 0:06:49 | |
No you're... No, come here. | 0:06:49 | 0:06:50 | |
-We only really did the short ties in school. -Well... | 0:06:50 | 0:06:53 | |
Shirt really smells. | 0:06:53 | 0:06:55 | |
Don't worry about how you smell, | 0:06:55 | 0:06:57 | |
just worry about looking smart, that's the most important thing. | 0:06:57 | 0:07:01 | |
Cos I've got a job interview today, yeah, a tie one, | 0:07:01 | 0:07:04 | |
not the country. | 0:07:04 | 0:07:06 | |
The suit shop, the one next to Gregg's in West Ealing. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:09 | |
So Roche knows the manager there, | 0:07:09 | 0:07:11 | |
-so I've got an interview down there today. -Yeah, let's just say he's got a good chance. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:14 | |
Let's just say, yeah. I'm really looking forward to it, actually. | 0:07:14 | 0:07:17 | |
Yeah. It'd be nice, wouldn't it, to have a job. | 0:07:17 | 0:07:20 | |
Then you could start paying some bills, | 0:07:20 | 0:07:23 | |
spending some more time with me and Craig. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:26 | |
Yeah... Cos, um... | 0:07:26 | 0:07:28 | |
yeah, then I can spend... | 0:07:28 | 0:07:30 | |
more time with you lot and that. | 0:07:30 | 0:07:32 | |
That's better. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:34 | |
Yeah? | 0:07:34 | 0:07:35 | |
James Bond sort of shit. | 0:07:35 | 0:07:38 | |
Well, I hope he gets it. It'd be nice to have a bit of money, you know, | 0:07:38 | 0:07:42 | |
so it wasn't all just me making all the money and... | 0:07:42 | 0:07:45 | |
That'd be good. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:47 | |
Easy, boys. | 0:07:47 | 0:07:48 | |
I think it'd be good for him, I think he'd feel better. | 0:07:48 | 0:07:51 | |
He'd feel a sense of achievement if HE came home with some money. | 0:07:51 | 0:07:55 | |
-You've got that job interview today, yeah? -Yeah. | 0:07:55 | 0:07:57 | |
-Absolute nightmare, mate. -Yeah? | 0:07:57 | 0:08:00 | |
-I tell you what, do you want to do a bit of role play for the interview? -Yeah, yeah. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:03 | |
-Yeah? OK, pull up a chair, mate. -All right, cool. | 0:08:03 | 0:08:05 | |
Listen, mate, you need to be sure of yourself, yeah? | 0:08:05 | 0:08:07 | |
You need to be completely confident. | 0:08:07 | 0:08:09 | |
-From the minute you walk in the door, yeah? -Yeah. | 0:08:09 | 0:08:12 | |
-OK, you grab the goat by the horns, OK? -Yeah. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:15 | |
-Don't be afraid of the goat, OK, that's your goat, OK? -Yeah. | 0:08:15 | 0:08:19 | |
You are going to penetrate that goat, OK? | 0:08:19 | 0:08:22 | |
This is, er... | 0:08:22 | 0:08:23 | |
This is where I work, this is Quality Foods, quality and quantity. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:27 | |
I haven't always worked here but, er, you know, | 0:08:27 | 0:08:31 | |
I'm not going to pretend this was my dream. | 0:08:31 | 0:08:34 | |
Er, sitting in a Portakabin | 0:08:34 | 0:08:36 | |
making sure that the quality foods, er, are paid for. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:40 | |
-So you need to know everything about ties. -Yeah. | 0:08:40 | 0:08:42 | |
-You need to know about what tie goes with what shirt. -Yeah. | 0:08:42 | 0:08:45 | |
-What's the battery life on, like, on my musical tie, yeah? -OK. | 0:08:45 | 0:08:48 | |
Um, how do I get these masala stains out of the tie. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:51 | |
What if you don't know? | 0:08:51 | 0:08:53 | |
I don't know if you can see but that screen is just that view out of that window. | 0:08:53 | 0:08:57 | |
I have spoken to them about it and said, "That's what I'm actually | 0:08:57 | 0:09:01 | |
"looking at, I don't need to look at it on the screen," | 0:09:01 | 0:09:04 | |
but they said that's, that's the most important bit of the car park. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:09 | |
-So if it's a woman... -Yeah, yeah. | 0:09:09 | 0:09:10 | |
-..you use your charm. You'd be like, "All right, sexy," yeah? -OK. | 0:09:10 | 0:09:13 | |
-"I love what's on your face," something about their face, they love it. -Yeah. | 0:09:13 | 0:09:17 | |
-Or if it's a fella, if it's a geezer... -Geezer. | 0:09:17 | 0:09:19 | |
-You have a little bit of banter with him, OK? -Ah, lovely, yeah. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:22 | |
"All right, dude, what are you up to tonight? Going down to the chippie for a pint, mate? | 0:09:22 | 0:09:26 | |
"Meet some prossies tonight?" | 0:09:26 | 0:09:28 | |
"Did you see the fight on Match Of The Day last night..." | 0:09:28 | 0:09:31 | |
-What's that? -No, OK. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:34 | |
I tell you what, maybe for you it's best not to say too much, | 0:09:34 | 0:09:37 | |
-OK, keep it short, keep it sweet. -Mm-hm. | 0:09:37 | 0:09:39 | |
Always leave them wanting more. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:42 | |
Always leave them wanting more. | 0:09:42 | 0:09:44 | |
-Exactly, say it again. -Always leave them wanting more. | 0:09:44 | 0:09:47 | |
-Leave them or lead them? -Lea..leave, leave them. | 0:09:47 | 0:09:50 | |
-Leave, leave, you confuse me now. -Always leave them... OK. | 0:09:50 | 0:09:53 | |
-Always leave them wanting more. -Exactly. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:55 | |
Sick. | 0:09:55 | 0:09:57 | |
Um, so this is actually, like, a fish pedicure, which is really good | 0:10:02 | 0:10:06 | |
if you have, like, dry skin or arthritis, so... | 0:10:06 | 0:10:09 | |
-How are we getting on? Does it tickle, does it? -Yeah. | 0:10:09 | 0:10:13 | |
-Yeah? -Yeah, no, it probably won't cos I'm actually a qualified freelance nail technician, so... | 0:10:13 | 0:10:17 | |
Yeah, so I do a lot of these sort of therapies on Angel at home already. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:20 | |
-She's very used to this kind of thing. -Oh, nice. | 0:10:20 | 0:10:23 | |
I was actually going to get some of these fish myself for my home salon | 0:10:23 | 0:10:26 | |
but the man at the pet shop wasn't sure what I meant. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:29 | |
Being a mum is the hardest job in the world | 0:10:29 | 0:10:32 | |
and probably the most important job in the world. | 0:10:32 | 0:10:34 | |
As soon as you give birth, you've got the job | 0:10:34 | 0:10:36 | |
and then you need to work hard and make sure that you can keep the job. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:40 | |
I'm trying to get him to put his feet in. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:42 | |
-No, he's a man, they don't do... -Daddy seems to like the fish, doesn't he? | 0:10:42 | 0:10:45 | |
-Shall we see if Daddy would like to get his feet done? -Yes. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:47 | |
-Nah, I mean... -He's not her daddy, he's our driver. | 0:10:47 | 0:10:50 | |
-I just drove down here, yeah. -Yeah. -Yeah. | 0:10:50 | 0:10:53 | |
-Um, I'll just go to the car actually. -Yeah, see you in a bit. | 0:10:53 | 0:10:56 | |
Oh, do you know what, yeah, shove your mini Kias, up your arse, mate. | 0:10:56 | 0:11:00 | |
Absolute mug! | 0:11:00 | 0:11:02 | |
So, boss, let me know if you need any help, yeah. | 0:11:03 | 0:11:05 | |
I mean, you know, anything you can get from Argos, Chabuddy G can get you as well. | 0:11:05 | 0:11:10 | |
Tell you what, Chabuds, mate, have you got a smoke machine | 0:11:10 | 0:11:13 | |
cos I've still got so much more on this list I still ain't got. | 0:11:13 | 0:11:17 | |
I ain't got a cake, balloons, party food, | 0:11:17 | 0:11:20 | |
strobe light, banners, clown. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:23 | |
Oh, fuck! And also I ain't got Angel's birthday present. | 0:11:23 | 0:11:27 | |
Listen, mate, don't worry, OK? Just don't worry. | 0:11:27 | 0:11:30 | |
How much money you got? | 0:11:30 | 0:11:32 | |
-About 70s, I reckon, around about that. -£70, yeah. | 0:11:34 | 0:11:36 | |
I still got to get her a present. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:38 | |
It's bit of a coincidence cos, you know, I organise parties all the time. | 0:11:38 | 0:11:41 | |
I can give you the full party package and it includes every... | 0:11:41 | 0:11:44 | |
Let me just check. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:45 | |
It will include... | 0:11:45 | 0:11:46 | |
OK, balloons, clown... | 0:11:46 | 0:11:49 | |
Yeah, pretty much everything on there I can do for you. | 0:11:50 | 0:11:53 | |
All that, what, for 70? | 0:11:53 | 0:11:54 | |
All for 70, mate, OK? Party's practically my middle name, yeah. | 0:11:54 | 0:11:58 | |
Chaparty G. | 0:11:58 | 0:11:59 | |
-Do you usually do it from the top, then? -Ow! | 0:12:02 | 0:12:05 | |
Sorry, yeah, that's how I was trained to do it, yeah. That's how I'm going to do it. | 0:12:05 | 0:12:08 | |
Interesting, yeah. It's like a foreign technique. | 0:12:08 | 0:12:11 | |
So maybe if we get a bit more, like, from below. | 0:12:11 | 0:12:14 | |
That's it and take a deep breath. | 0:12:14 | 0:12:15 | |
Yeah, you're ready? | 0:12:18 | 0:12:20 | |
Good girl. PHONE RINGS | 0:12:20 | 0:12:22 | |
Hi, babe. Yeah, right now? | 0:12:25 | 0:12:28 | |
-GRINDAH: -'Looking for Angel's present now actually.' -Ah, OK. | 0:12:28 | 0:12:30 | |
-'There's so much man, there's so much.' -Yeah, maybe, like, get her something different. | 0:12:30 | 0:12:34 | |
Like, she's got loads of guns now, like. | 0:12:34 | 0:12:36 | |
-No, I'm not getting her guns, I'm by all the girly stuff, so... -'All right.' | 0:12:36 | 0:12:40 | |
-So I was just ringing to check, so I'll speak to you in a bit, yeah? -Bye babe. | 0:12:40 | 0:12:44 | |
It's mad actually, like... | 0:12:44 | 0:12:47 | |
presents are a proper big deal to kids, like, these days, like. | 0:12:47 | 0:12:51 | |
Ah these are... These are all right, innit? | 0:12:51 | 0:12:53 | |
Seen that? That's sick. | 0:12:53 | 0:12:57 | |
Oh, she'll love this, yeah. | 0:12:57 | 0:13:01 | |
CAR SQUEAKS | 0:13:01 | 0:13:03 | |
That's a good piece, that is. | 0:13:05 | 0:13:06 | |
I shouldn't have give Chabuds all that money, actually. | 0:13:08 | 0:13:11 | |
Here's one, though. A little trick of the trade if you want a discount, | 0:13:11 | 0:13:16 | |
all you've got to do is give it a little... | 0:13:16 | 0:13:18 | |
Ah, fucker...just... | 0:13:28 | 0:13:30 | |
No, good, good quality that is, actually. | 0:13:31 | 0:13:34 | |
-Excuse me. -I'm sorry. | 0:13:35 | 0:13:38 | |
Oh, probably the best place cos... | 0:13:38 | 0:13:40 | |
..read that, music. | 0:13:41 | 0:13:43 | |
That's her main passion anyway, so... | 0:13:43 | 0:13:45 | |
Wh... Ah, no wires as well. | 0:13:47 | 0:13:50 | |
That is... | 0:13:50 | 0:13:52 | |
That's sick. She'll love this, like. | 0:13:52 | 0:13:54 | |
# As we enter, as we enter | 0:13:54 | 0:13:57 | |
# Birthday thing for the one Angel. # | 0:13:57 | 0:13:59 | |
I've smashed it, ain't I? | 0:13:59 | 0:14:01 | |
You know, yeah. | 0:14:01 | 0:14:02 | |
# Inside, inside... # | 0:14:02 | 0:14:05 | |
Jokes. It's not on, so... | 0:14:05 | 0:14:07 | |
They're in there, they'll call you in when they're ready. | 0:14:22 | 0:14:25 | |
Right, cheers, fella, thank you. | 0:14:25 | 0:14:26 | |
(Fuck. I think that was a girl.) | 0:14:29 | 0:14:31 | |
Ah, it's all fluffy at the back. | 0:14:35 | 0:14:37 | |
I love these...water coolers. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
Let me just... | 0:14:43 | 0:14:45 | |
Perfect. | 0:14:53 | 0:14:54 | |
Yeah, that's looking smooth right now. | 0:14:54 | 0:14:57 | |
Free water here, as well, yeah. | 0:14:57 | 0:14:59 | |
They ain't mucking about, they know what they're doing. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:02 | |
Uh! | 0:15:19 | 0:15:21 | |
Uh, God. | 0:15:21 | 0:15:23 | |
Uh, God, I'd use the... | 0:15:27 | 0:15:29 | |
I'd use the bloody stairs cos the lift is jammed. | 0:15:29 | 0:15:32 | |
I tell you what, I haven't sweated this much since my last brush with passport control. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:36 | |
-Grindah! -Hello, mate. -Here they are, boss. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:39 | |
Just wrapping up the presents. | 0:15:39 | 0:15:41 | |
Ah... | 0:15:41 | 0:15:43 | |
-Smashed it, come through, yeah? -Yeah. -All good? | 0:15:43 | 0:15:45 | |
Yeah, brilliant, man. | 0:15:45 | 0:15:47 | |
Let's see what you've got. | 0:15:48 | 0:15:50 | |
-Chocolate willies? -Yeah. | 0:15:59 | 0:16:00 | |
Everything's cock-related. It's my little girl's birthday party and there's cocks everywhere. | 0:16:00 | 0:16:06 | |
-I know, listen... -Oh, for f... -It's still all classic party stuff. | 0:16:06 | 0:16:09 | |
-No. -All we've got to do is disguise it a little bit, OK? | 0:16:09 | 0:16:11 | |
Think about it, if you change it and it doesn't look like a willy | 0:16:11 | 0:16:14 | |
-you won't think twice before putting it in your mouth. -I'm not putting that in my mouth! | 0:16:14 | 0:16:18 | |
I'm not putting anything like that anywhere near my mouth. | 0:16:18 | 0:16:21 | |
The company is called Chabuddy's Party Package, | 0:16:21 | 0:16:24 | |
which is a bit of a play on words, you know what I mean. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:26 | |
Er, it's mostly aimed at hen parties. I've never really done a children's party before | 0:16:26 | 0:16:30 | |
but, I mean, it's the same thing really, isn't it? | 0:16:30 | 0:16:33 | |
-Where's the smoke machine? -I got incense, mate. | 0:16:33 | 0:16:36 | |
-What's incense? -It's like smoke machines | 0:16:36 | 0:16:39 | |
but it has a lovely aroma attached to it, free of charge. | 0:16:39 | 0:16:42 | |
-So not a smoke machine? -Not exactly... -Fucked it up, great(!) | 0:16:42 | 0:16:44 | |
-I've got a choice of cherry or sandalwood. -Oh, for f... | 0:16:44 | 0:16:48 | |
-Definitely cherry. -Good choice. | 0:16:48 | 0:16:50 | |
Why the fuck do I want to smell of sandals? | 0:16:50 | 0:16:53 | |
-What's that, then? -That's one of my favourites, actually. | 0:16:54 | 0:16:57 | |
-Oh, willies, for... -After dinner willies. They have sauce... | 0:16:57 | 0:17:00 | |
Stop touching them! | 0:17:00 | 0:17:02 | |
Mint, minty... | 0:17:02 | 0:17:03 | |
Feeling quite confident, actually. | 0:17:06 | 0:17:08 | |
Yeah. | 0:17:08 | 0:17:10 | |
Oh, vibrating. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:12 | |
Roche... | 0:17:14 | 0:17:16 | |
"Don't... Fuck this." | 0:17:16 | 0:17:19 | |
Words of encouragement. | 0:17:19 | 0:17:21 | |
DOOR OPENS | 0:17:21 | 0:17:23 | |
-Kevin Bates? -Hello, boss. | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
-Hi, Kevin, I'm Chris, I'm a friend of Roche's. How are you doing? -Yeah, good, man. You? | 0:17:25 | 0:17:28 | |
-Good, very good, thank you. -Lovely. I've just got these boys with me, I hope that's all right. | 0:17:28 | 0:17:32 | |
-Er, yeah, Roche warned me about them -Oh, right. | 0:17:32 | 0:17:35 | |
You're not Watchdog, are you? | 0:17:35 | 0:17:37 | |
-No, cos we're completely above board here. -Yeah. | 0:17:37 | 0:17:40 | |
-Er, listen, this is really just a formality, nothing too much for you to worry about. -OK. | 0:17:40 | 0:17:45 | |
Regional manager's going to be sitting in. | 0:17:45 | 0:17:47 | |
I'm going to ask a few questions, no tests or anything like that. | 0:17:47 | 0:17:50 | |
Ah, yeah, fuck doing a test, mate. I've never done a test in my life. | 0:17:50 | 0:17:53 | |
-Um, anyway, do you want to come through? -Yeah, yeah, yeah. | 0:17:53 | 0:17:57 | |
-Have a seat. -Cheers, thank you. | 0:17:57 | 0:17:59 | |
Hello, I'm Kevin, nice to meet you. | 0:18:01 | 0:18:03 | |
I'll take this off. | 0:18:06 | 0:18:08 | |
Whoa, Jesus that's pungent. | 0:18:08 | 0:18:10 | |
So, you know what, it's all about just making use of what you've got, using your imagination, like, yeah? | 0:18:14 | 0:18:18 | |
So the chocolate penis cake is now a caterpillar cake, yeah? | 0:18:18 | 0:18:21 | |
Chocolate willies, now bunny rabbits, yeah? | 0:18:21 | 0:18:24 | |
-Novelty condoms, balloons. -Disgusting. | 0:18:24 | 0:18:27 | |
Business is all about adapting, you know, rolling with the punches. | 0:18:27 | 0:18:30 | |
Um, for example, I used to have this Indian restaurant back in the day when I first started out | 0:18:30 | 0:18:34 | |
but I changed it to an Italian one cos there was just too | 0:18:34 | 0:18:37 | |
many Indian restaurants in the Curry Mile, so I adapted, yeah. | 0:18:37 | 0:18:40 | |
So in the menu we changed a few things, we had the... | 0:18:40 | 0:18:43 | |
The samosa calzone, we had the spaghetti tikka masala, yeah. | 0:18:43 | 0:18:47 | |
We even renamed the chef, so Gurday became Gino | 0:18:47 | 0:18:51 | |
and Mandy became Mario. | 0:18:51 | 0:18:52 | |
Which was quite funny cos he was a part-time plumber, as well. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:58 | |
Right. Well, um, thank you for coming in to see us today, Kevin. | 0:18:58 | 0:19:02 | |
And thank you for having me in your wonderful establishment. | 0:19:02 | 0:19:05 | |
Er, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself. | 0:19:05 | 0:19:08 | |
Well, my name's Kevin Bates, AKA Beats. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:12 | |
I co-run a pirate radio station called Kurupt FM, | 0:19:12 | 0:19:16 | |
108.9 on the dial, best believe. | 0:19:16 | 0:19:19 | |
Um, we play mainly garage music and drum 'n' bass quite late in the evening, | 0:19:19 | 0:19:25 | |
but not the new stuff, more old school jungle sort of stuff. | 0:19:25 | 0:19:30 | |
So, yeah, I'm a DJ but I also ad lib a bit, as well, | 0:19:30 | 0:19:34 | |
and I run it with my partner in crime, MC Grindah. | 0:19:34 | 0:19:37 | |
MUSIC | 0:19:37 | 0:19:43 | |
We're keeping numbers down this year | 0:19:43 | 0:19:45 | |
so just invited, like, Angel's main friends, so just, like, Beats, | 0:19:45 | 0:19:49 | |
Steves, Weapon X, all that lot, and, like, her nan's coming, as well. | 0:19:49 | 0:19:52 | |
A lot of her school mates are quite immature and there are a few of them that | 0:19:52 | 0:19:56 | |
Grindah didn't really get on with, so... | 0:19:56 | 0:19:58 | |
it's better to keep them away so we don't have any trouble this year. | 0:19:58 | 0:20:02 | |
(There you go.) | 0:20:04 | 0:20:05 | |
Love this tune. | 0:20:08 | 0:20:10 | |
-(Look at this.) -Happy birthday! | 0:20:13 | 0:20:16 | |
Come here, ah! | 0:20:16 | 0:20:18 | |
-Surprise! Do you like it? -Yeah, it smells really nice... | 0:20:18 | 0:20:22 | |
Ah, that's called incense, it's a new thing. | 0:20:22 | 0:20:24 | |
-It's actually like smoke machines but better and more fragrant. -I love the bling. | 0:20:24 | 0:20:29 | |
Don't touch them, they're a bit greasy, so you don't touch them either. | 0:20:29 | 0:20:33 | |
And don't let her touch the chocolate bunnies. | 0:20:33 | 0:20:35 | |
I've been surrounded by ties my whole life. | 0:20:38 | 0:20:41 | |
By the age of 13, when I started at school, I really got into them, | 0:20:41 | 0:20:45 | |
just sort of looking at the way people do them up, | 0:20:45 | 0:20:48 | |
just wear them, and, like, yeah, | 0:20:48 | 0:20:50 | |
so man does have a huge passion in ties. | 0:20:50 | 0:20:54 | |
Right, great, moving on. | 0:20:55 | 0:20:57 | |
Um, what sort of skill sets do you have that would enable you to perform this role effectively? | 0:20:57 | 0:21:02 | |
Er, skill sets... | 0:21:02 | 0:21:03 | |
DJ set eight till ten, so... | 0:21:05 | 0:21:07 | |
-Do you want me to repeat the question? -I'm going to stop you there actually, Christopher, | 0:21:10 | 0:21:14 | |
-cos I need to head to the toilet, if that's all right. -OK, well, actually... | 0:21:14 | 0:21:17 | |
No, don't worry, I know where it is. | 0:21:17 | 0:21:19 | |
(Move, move.) | 0:21:22 | 0:21:23 | |
Always leave 'em wanting more. Standard. | 0:21:26 | 0:21:29 | |
Job done. | 0:21:29 | 0:21:31 | |
Sweet. | 0:21:39 | 0:21:40 | |
MUSIC | 0:21:46 | 0:21:49 | |
Stop. So, on Angel, yeah. | 0:21:55 | 0:21:58 | |
-What is it? -Lucky girl. | 0:22:00 | 0:22:03 | |
MUSIC | 0:22:03 | 0:22:05 | |
No, Steves... No, move it on, mate, it's not your game, it's for Angel. | 0:22:07 | 0:22:11 | |
Let 'em have one layer! | 0:22:11 | 0:22:13 | |
Oh, Mum, be nice. This is my mum, Carol. | 0:22:13 | 0:22:16 | |
Don't tell 'em my name. People will think we're sisters. | 0:22:16 | 0:22:18 | |
You've used that once. | 0:22:18 | 0:22:20 | |
Keep it moving. | 0:22:20 | 0:22:22 | |
Keep it moving, Steves. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:29 | |
Yeah, there's, like, there's good news and there's bad news. | 0:22:29 | 0:22:34 | |
Well, I already know the bad news cos I spoke to Chris earlier. | 0:22:34 | 0:22:37 | |
Yeah, I didn't really get that one. | 0:22:38 | 0:22:40 | |
No, of course you didn't get it cos you fucking walked out halfway through! | 0:22:40 | 0:22:44 | |
Sorry. | 0:22:44 | 0:22:45 | |
I absolutely smashed it with this one, yeah, come. | 0:22:52 | 0:22:55 | |
Come here, wait till you see this. | 0:22:55 | 0:22:57 | |
Whose is... Whose is that one? | 0:23:00 | 0:23:01 | |
Oh, it's Decoy's. Which one's yours? | 0:23:01 | 0:23:04 | |
Well, nothing. It's pointless now cos Decoy's is massive. Mine's tiny compared to his. | 0:23:04 | 0:23:08 | |
All right, guys, listen. Special appearance coming very soon, | 0:23:08 | 0:23:11 | |
get your party hats on cos we're going to have a good time, | 0:23:11 | 0:23:14 | |
all right, special performance coming quite soon. | 0:23:14 | 0:23:16 | |
-Yes, bruv. -Decoy! | 0:23:16 | 0:23:18 | |
-I'm telling Decoy about my modelling days. -Decoy doesn't give a shit about your modelling days. | 0:23:18 | 0:23:22 | |
Oh, shut up. I don't know why you knock around with him, I swear to God. | 0:23:22 | 0:23:26 | |
God, you weren't exactly a model, you were an extra in a DFS advert. | 0:23:26 | 0:23:29 | |
-Why have you got a massive present? -It ain't nothing big, trust me. | 0:23:29 | 0:23:32 | |
Of course it is, it's bigger than all the rest. | 0:23:32 | 0:23:35 | |
Kids love massive presents. | 0:23:35 | 0:23:36 | |
Mine's tiny comparing to yours. | 0:23:36 | 0:23:38 | |
-That's all right. -No, we've got to swap. | 0:23:38 | 0:23:40 | |
Bruv, no, it's cool, man, just give her yours. It ain't about size, is it? | 0:23:40 | 0:23:43 | |
Well, it's easy for you to say, you're Jamaican. | 0:23:43 | 0:23:46 | |
Don't touch the balloon, don't touch the balloon. | 0:23:46 | 0:23:49 | |
Oh, no, you have got to grow up! | 0:23:49 | 0:23:52 | |
I'm already struggling supporting Craig and fucking Debbo. | 0:23:52 | 0:23:54 | |
-Who's Debbo? -Oh, he's that fucking African kid me and Craig sponsor. | 0:23:54 | 0:23:58 | |
Oh, yeah, he loves him to bits, though. | 0:23:58 | 0:24:01 | |
To be fair you can't put a price on them things. | 0:24:01 | 0:24:05 | |
Hello? Am I getting through to you at all? | 0:24:05 | 0:24:08 | |
Yeah, sorry. | 0:24:08 | 0:24:10 | |
Just that clown looks proper weird, like. | 0:24:10 | 0:24:13 | |
Where's his shirt? | 0:24:13 | 0:24:15 | |
Maybe it's just like modern clown, sort of thing. | 0:24:15 | 0:24:18 | |
Ladies and gentlemen! | 0:24:21 | 0:24:24 | |
Now, the special entertainer for tonight, | 0:24:24 | 0:24:26 | |
Mr Throb De Niro! | 0:24:26 | 0:24:29 | |
The clown. | 0:24:29 | 0:24:31 | |
Oh... Yay, a clown. | 0:24:32 | 0:24:35 | |
Never had a clown before, have you, Ange? | 0:24:35 | 0:24:38 | |
So, no helicopter stuff today, all right? | 0:24:40 | 0:24:44 | |
Come on, then, mate, get to it. | 0:24:46 | 0:24:48 | |
What do you want me to do? | 0:24:48 | 0:24:51 | |
MUSIC: "I'm Sexy And I Know It" by LMFAO | 0:24:51 | 0:24:54 | |
Don't do that. | 0:25:00 | 0:25:02 | |
I think that part of being a mum is just being able to, like, handle whatever gets thrown at you. | 0:25:13 | 0:25:17 | |
Like, I've got this mug, it says on it, | 0:25:17 | 0:25:20 | |
"keep calm and be a mum", | 0:25:20 | 0:25:22 | |
and, like, that's, like, a slogan I just live by now. | 0:25:22 | 0:25:25 | |
OK, listen, make an animal out of this or something, man. | 0:25:25 | 0:25:28 | |
Whatever happens, I'll always have to look after Angel, | 0:25:28 | 0:25:31 | |
like, make sure she's going to school and not getting fat or anything. | 0:25:31 | 0:25:34 | |
If, like, one day I do look down on her and she's getting a bit, | 0:25:34 | 0:25:37 | |
like, you know, chunky or whatever, then I'll just know what to do. | 0:25:37 | 0:25:41 | |
Oh, my God, you could crack walnuts with those! | 0:25:45 | 0:25:47 | |
No, you couldn't. Right, that's it, you're done, mate, get out, get out! | 0:25:47 | 0:25:52 | |
Sick. Get out. | 0:25:52 | 0:25:55 | |
You're finished. | 0:25:55 | 0:25:57 | |
That was good, wasn't it? Like, he was actually, like, a technically talented dancer. | 0:25:57 | 0:26:02 | |
Yeah, I'd like him for my birthday, Miche. | 0:26:02 | 0:26:04 | |
-I haven't been paid. -I don't give a fuck. Sort it out with Chabuds. | 0:26:04 | 0:26:07 | |
It's a five-year-old's birthday party. She'll be scarred for life now. | 0:26:07 | 0:26:10 | |
It's all right, he'll come back, he'll come back. | 0:26:10 | 0:26:13 | |
You're going to open some presents? That'll be fun, wouldn't it? | 0:26:14 | 0:26:17 | |
Yeah? Which one do you want first? | 0:26:17 | 0:26:19 | |
That one? Yeah? | 0:26:19 | 0:26:22 | |
I think that's the one from Daddy so maybe he should be here when you open it. | 0:26:22 | 0:26:25 | |
Why is it... Is it closed? Come on! | 0:26:25 | 0:26:28 | |
What's... | 0:26:33 | 0:26:35 | |
It's not moving. | 0:26:35 | 0:26:36 | |
Ah. | 0:26:38 | 0:26:39 | |
It's baby shampoo. | 0:26:39 | 0:26:41 | |
Ah, baby shampoo from Steves. | 0:26:41 | 0:26:43 | |
Yeah, I couldn't think what else they really use, so... | 0:26:43 | 0:26:46 | |
Hello? | 0:26:46 | 0:26:48 | |
You're fucking joking me. | 0:26:50 | 0:26:52 | |
DISTANT SHOUTING | 0:26:52 | 0:26:54 | |
Yeah. | 0:26:54 | 0:26:55 | |
Sweet. | 0:26:55 | 0:26:57 | |
A doll's house! | 0:26:57 | 0:26:59 | |
Look at that! | 0:26:59 | 0:27:01 | |
I love it! I mean Angel loves it. | 0:27:01 | 0:27:04 | |
Thanks Uncle Decoy. | 0:27:04 | 0:27:05 | |
What do you say? You don't like it? | 0:27:05 | 0:27:08 | |
-No, I don't have to say... -OK. | 0:27:08 | 0:27:10 | |
Do you want to open Daddy's one? Oh, he'd love this. | 0:27:10 | 0:27:13 | |
I've got to call. | 0:27:14 | 0:27:16 | |
No fucking signal. Have you got... Have you got a phone on ya? | 0:27:18 | 0:27:21 | |
You'd see if I had it, mate. | 0:27:21 | 0:27:23 | |
What about you lot? I've got to tell 'em to stop the party! | 0:27:23 | 0:27:26 | |
What, you got a microphone from Daddy? | 0:27:28 | 0:27:31 | |
Yeah, best present. | 0:27:31 | 0:27:33 | |
# It's Beats and Grindah here to get you hyper # | 0:27:36 | 0:27:39 | |
# It's Beats and Grindah here to get you hyper # | 0:27:39 | 0:27:43 | |
# It's Beats and Grindah here to get you hyper. # | 0:27:43 | 0:27:48 | |
-Hello! -Press that one. -Shut up. | 0:27:48 | 0:27:51 | |
Conducting. Just pure conduction. | 0:27:54 | 0:27:57 | |
-Monday... -Is the day that we roll. | 0:27:57 | 0:27:59 | |
Tuesday... | 0:27:59 | 0:28:01 | |
It's going straight to voice mail. | 0:28:01 | 0:28:03 | |
Ah, you can tell, you can just tell. | 0:28:03 | 0:28:05 | |
Angel is a bit of a tomboy, like, but she's also got her girly side. | 0:28:05 | 0:28:10 | |
Like, half of her is me, you know, like, girly, nails, shopping, | 0:28:10 | 0:28:13 | |
and then the other half of her is a bit more, like, violent, | 0:28:13 | 0:28:16 | |
like stabbing stuff and, like, breaking all her toys | 0:28:16 | 0:28:20 | |
and, like, shouting at me, and that's more like her Grindah side. | 0:28:20 | 0:28:23 | |
Have you got a screwdriver or something? | 0:28:23 | 0:28:25 | |
Completely pointless, this whole thing. | 0:28:25 | 0:28:28 | |
Did you just fart? | 0:28:30 | 0:28:31 |