Competition People Just Do Nothing

GARAGE MUSIC PLAYS

Whack one up there, Steves.

This program contains some strong language.

That lamppost there, Steves, quick time, quick time.

All right, go.

Fuck it. Fuck it. That'll do.

That'll do, Steves, that'll do! Right, let's go.

You lot have got to hold it down, yeah?

Like, I cannot get caught on this moped, like.

Since my driving ban, Roche gets very weird about it.

Oh, fuck, what's he doing up?

He tells his mum everything.

There's no man code, do you know what I mean?

There should be a man code.

If I want to watch pornos, let me, don't tell your mum.

If I want to drive the moped, let me, don't tell your mum.

Them ones.

Little snake.

Here you are, Craig, made you a breakfast.

-Cheers.

-Want the ketchup?

-Yeah, just put it there.

Ah, he's a man of hidden talents, isn't he?

I'm not hiding anything,

so just making sure that Big Man gets a decent breakfast, like.

What time did you get in last night?

I heard you creeping about like a pervert in the middle of the night.

About two.

More like four.

Yeah, maybe it was four, actually. Thank you, Craig.

So are you trying to work out a man code with Craig?

Yeah, but it's a bit weird cos it's not like a mate man code,

so I'm just trying to...

I'm trying to pally it up

until we're proper connected, and then I'll bring the code in.

Be good, Craig, catch you later.

-Weapon X?

-Here.

-Fantasy?

-Here.

-Beats?

-Here.

Decoy?

Decoy?

I drove you here.

Yeah, but just say here, then, don't...

try and overrule everything constantly.

-Right, so obviously today's a very special day.

-Yeah.

-It is the day of the live caller competition!

-Competition.

So, I've got everyone here today basically to come up with

the question that one of our number one fans would be able to answer,

like, someone who's worthy of it, do you know what I mean?

-Not just trying to get a bit of free perfume and that.

-Yeah, exactly.

So, everyone needs to think, yeah, let's think of a question.

Steven?

You all right?

Fucking hell, it's the bear people.

Yeah, Kurupt FM is so popular, like,

if you go anywhere in this area, then there's a few places that

play it. Like, there's a cafe down there that sometimes

when I pop in there they're playing Kurupt and I think

he's just out there and everyone's listening to his voice, like,

it's amazing.

See, it's very, very big in Brentford area.

We should probably base it around someone, someone on this station...

-Hmm.

-I don't know, maybe one of the main ones or something like that.

What do you lot think? Like, who's...

who's one of the main ones on the...

I'm just trying to think, do we...do we do...

-Probably you.

-Huh? Probably me?

-Yeah, yeah, that's... That could work, couldn't it?

-Yes.

What if we did a thing, yeah, how do crop circles get formed?

No, just come on, think about something, think.

That is interesting, like, cos I don't even know.

That's proper good. That's interesting.

Yeah, I mean we've always

-done competitions, really.

-Yeah.

Like, it's a part of the whole

sort of pirate radio culture,

-do you know what I mean?

-Yeah, it's a standard thing.

It's like our way of giving back something to the fans,

you know what I mean? Like, that's why...

But this time we've got a special little surprise in store for them.

Yeah, we normally give 'em, like, a £5 phone credit and that,

but this time, erm, they're getting designer perfume, so.

Yeah, well, that's...that's what they think anyway, innit?

-Oh, are they not getting the perfume?

-No, they are, but...

-Oh.

Got an extra little twist this time, yeah.

Yeah, me and Grindah are going to surprise 'em.

Don't say it when I've...

Cos there's a video, yeah, on YouTube where the Crost...

What's it called? Roswell, where the thing landed, crashed down,

and they had a dead one, they actually did a autopsy on it.

-Right, can we just...

-And it's all there, like, it's all proof.

Can we just focus now, yeah? Focus on the question.

Ah, what about what was Grindah's old MC name?

-That's... I don't know, could that...?

-Is that...?

Do you think anyone would know that or...?

Do I think everyone...? Of course they'd know it.

Everyone knows who I am.

Don't you think it's too easy, mate?

-I could think of a harder one if you like.

-Don't... Just sshh.

Stop getting in his head, all right,

cos you're making it all about you again when it's actually about

giving something back to one of the fans, all right?

Here we go.

This is the prize

that I've kindly donated.

It is Sean Paul Gaultier,

world exclusive.

Only available from Chabuddy's Worldwide Internet Cabin Cafe.

Um, they've started to go a bit stagnant

so I thought might as well shift a...

VACUUM CLEANER HUMS

Ho-ho-ho!

There we go. What every man needs, a bloody good woman, isn't it?

Aldona!

I missed you! HE LAUGHS

-Move.

-All right.

She, er... Big day today for Aldona.

Her brother's coming over from Poland

and she's just doing a bit of cleaning.

Um... She doesn't clean like this for me.

SHE SPEAKS POLISH

Ah, I forgive you.

Very good, very good.

What's it like on competition days?

It's tiring and you've got to put in a lot of energy,

-and also you're blazing all day, so...

-Kevin?

..don't want to get a headache.

-Huh?

-I could've sworn that moped was facing the other way yesterday.

Is it? Really?

Yeah. No-one's been using it, have they?

-No.

-Sure?

Oh, yeah, er... Cos I must've

moved it cos the sunlight's hitting one side

and so the colour was fading, so I turned it round so that it's even.

Forgot about that.

You do remember our little deal, though, don't you?

-Yeah, yeah, of course.

-Do you want to tell these lot about it?

Yeah, man's on a driving ban right now,

-so I can't really drive the moped, like.

-And?

-And we've got a deal where I can't drive the moped.

-And?

And if I do drive the ped, then I've got to pick up all the hard tissues

from under Craig's bed.

I don't even want to think about how many there must be under that bed

right now. It's probably like papier-mache.

Sorry, mate.

-What?

-Nothing, mate, you just eat your ham.

-Nothing.

-All right.

-Take it up, take that with you.

Get your strength up, love.

Do you enjoy spending time with the family, then?

Yeah, I really... I've start...

At first I, like, just come in to see Roche, just checking her

every now and then, do you know what I mean? No strings attached, simple.

But then I met the little man and it all changed. I felt passion.

And, er... Do you, er, do you like older women?

-Who me?

-Yeah.

I get whatever I can, to be honest with you,

and it just so happened that Roche liked man,

so I just went true on it.

What?

TANNOY: The next train to arrive on platform one will be...

He should be coming now.

Excited?

Is that him? No, that's just a black woman. It's OK.

-Dalek!

-That's him.

That's nice.

They are really affectionate, you know, that's the thing.

How are you doing, you all right?

SHE SPEAKS POLISH

-You came on train, yeah?

-Train, yeah.

Yeah.

All right, jump in the Merc.

MC'ING

Right about now we're running a competition, yeah.

Live callers, come through.

-Come through.

-So the question is, what is my old MC name?

So that is, what is MC Grindah's old MC name?

-Phone line number to get you through will be...

-07700 9001 108.9.

So to get your hands on some exclusive perfume

-you know what to do.

-Call us.

Don't say it, they already know, just... All right.

So, OK, next up we're just going to run a little message

from one of our sponsors letting you know that

if you want to be winning yourself something, something,

tonight, tonight then you'd better get to know.

-RECORDING:

-If you are one of our lucky competition winners today,

you can collect your prize, an exclusive bottle of

limited edition Sean Paul Gaultier perfume

from Chabuddy's Worldwide Internet Cabin Cafe.

-But wait, that's not all...

-No, no, that is all.

Did you lot hear that?

HE LAUGHS

Oh, it's just me on bloody radio again, isn't it?

Bit of advice for you actually, mate,

I know you're fresh off the boat and that,

-ladies love a disco jockey, mate.

-A DJ?

-Yeah, a DJ.

No, I like man in kitchen.

-I like when I hear you cook.

-Yeah?

-Mm.

-OK.

I think I know what you want.

Aldona, I'm chopping stuff.

-Mmm.

-You like that, yeah?

-Mmm, nice.

Did you hear that? I'm chopping. I was chopping stuff just then.

-Yes, it's, er...

-You heard it?

-..very sexy.

-Yeah?

-You chop more?

-More?

-Mm.

You're greedy.

THEY SPEAK POLISH

I'm marinating.

You can't hear it, but I'm marinating.

They're his moped keys.

Craig!

Have you seen Kevin on his moped?

-Yeah, why?

-When?

Last night.

Right, then.

What use is he to us in prison?

"What use is he to us?" is more the question.

Who's going to be my selector on point?

Don't know, don't know.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you're listening, this is one of

the famous Kurupt FM giveaways, yeah. Make sure you dial the number.

-Exactly. Do not miss out!

-It's a competition, yeah?

-Exactly.

-So, and the question is...

What is my old MC name?

PHONE RINGS

Ah, shh, everyone quiet, be quiet. Come on, turn it down.

Caller, you're live. What's your name and where do you come from?

-Ah, yeah, it's Ben from Isleworth.

-Hold tight, Ben.

Ah, big up the Isleworth mandem. I sees ya.

-What's the question?

-What, are you...

What is my MC name?

Which one are you?

Oh, for f... Cut him, cut him off.

Well, that was pointless, wasn't it?

Big up all the pointless ringers, like, make sure...

No, let me illiterate, yeah?

If you call up, make sure you've got the right answer.

Caller, you're blocked.

Yeah, you're blocked, mate, your number's blocked.

You can't even get no shout-outs, no relays.

So, you've made your bed, now sit in it. You lose.

We always have, like, a little sort of VIP party

when there's something special going on at radio.

Having mocktails, aren't we, Ange?

There you go.

I tried to put, like, a bit of salt round the edge so that, you know,

it'd be like a proper cocktail, but it all just sort of fell in.

Here's to a big night, hey? Yeah.

Down it in one.

Or you don't have to.

Little bit more sugar?

Yeah, all right.

THEY SPEAK IN POLISH

Ah, this is so much fun, guys.

Er, what shall we do tonight?

I'll tell you what,

I'll get the CDs out, have a little disco party, DJ party,

what do you reckon, huh?

HE SPEAKS POLISH

He's bang on it.

-Baby?

-Yes, baby?

-Yes?

-Get me more beer?

OK, OK, I can do that. Drinking games? I like that.

Go hard or go home back to bloody Poland.

-Can you go now?

-Now?

OK, OK, all the way,

if you tell me to. You know I like to be bossed around.

OK, go now or I hit you.

OK, OK.

I like that, I like that.

Treat me mean, keep me keen. Keep me erect, more like.

It's alL right, he doesn't understand.

Me and Aldona like to role-play, you know,

she'd call me, like, these funny racist names and things,

like "you dirty, curry-eating bastard"

and "get back into the lorry that you climbed out of"

and stuff like that.

I bloody love it, to be fair. I really like it, you know.

She'll say things like, er, that my penis is like a really weird colour

and that it's tiny and stuff like that, you know.

Sexy, you know.

Maybe we should change the question.

No, we're not going to change the question until someone

gets it right, and then there's no point to change it anyway, so, no.

Actually, you know what it is, just one last...

Let me use your phone?

I mean give it a bell, see if it works.

Cos it might not be...

-It might be signal cos of the cameras and that.

-Yeah.

PHONE RINGS Hello.

Oh, for... No, it's working.

Pointless, then, innit?

Ah, you know what? Whatever, leave it.

MUFFLED DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

MUFFLED LAUGHTER FROM INSIDE

Aldona!

Sweetie face.

Sugar tits.

Ah, it's all steamed up.

They must've found my Wii dance mat.

Authentic Polish beers.

Absolutely pointless.

PHONE RINGS

Hello and welcome to the Kurupt FM hotline.

-What's your name and that?

-It's Joe from Brentford.

Yes, Joseph. Erm...

What's the answer?

Er, did he used to be called MC Sniper?

-Oi!

-Oh-h!

Sound! Sound!

Ho! Ho! Ho!

-Ah, mate! It's going absolutely...

-They're going absolutely...

-..wild inside!

-Yeah. It's like rampage.

-Everyone inside's going mental, like.

-It's like rampage, a carnival here.

It is, mate. How are you feeling, Joe, mate?

-Good, yeah, cheers, guys, yeah.

-Sounds over the moon, doesn't he?

Can I get the perfume posted just cos I'm working?

Er, sorry, mate, you can't get it posted.

You're going to have to go down Chabuddy's internet cafe.

We'll text you the address.

Ah, God, you're going to have such a great time.

-All right, no worries. Cheers, guys.

-All right. Uh-uh.

Any final words, mate?

-Er...

-No, he's been cut off.

-He's probably overexcited.

Yeah, probably smiling too much the cheek pressed the button.

-Yeah, uh-huh.

-Big up Joe.

That was so nerve-racking, like, such an amazing day for Joe, though.

Ah, little lightweight. She can't party like her mum can.

Shall we get a couple of beers in?

Yeah, let's get the beers in.

Wepster, up with you, mate, let's get a few beers.

-You boys up for a few beers?

-Yeah.

-Let's go, mate, come on.

-Er, mate! Jesus, that is...

-And we're going to surprise him.

-Whoo!

-Boys, I've been sick, bruv.

-Huh?

-I've been sick, bruv.

Er, we'll get him to clean it up himself in the morning

since it's part of his morning clear-up.

-Ah, that's a fucking success.

-That is a fucking success, mate.

Grindah...

Graffiti style, so.

I might even do a little...

-headphone sign there as well.

-Yeah.

Er, it looks like a penis, mate. Just don't...

We'll go...

-We turned it into a K, so...

-Oh, yeah.

Kurupt. It's like our logo.

Kuruption.

MUFFLED DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

I'll probably just wait in the Merc, it's a bit warmer in here.

They're obviously having some kind of dance-off tournament

or something, you know.

It's lucky I'm not involved, bro, I'd probably win every round.

Probably... Probably call it a night, yeah, lads, yeah?

-Quite a lot this time, yeah?

-Yeah.

-You know how I like it, don't ya?

-Yeah, I know.

-Loads.

No, don't have it all sticking up and that, I'm not in a boy band.

No, that's just...

-Just make sure your head's straight.

-OK.

-Thank you.

Make sure it's all forward with the bits, like...

Yeah, no, I know how to do it. I invented this one for you.

It's one of the things I like most about the job actually,

-is the, er... If I'm honest, is the public appearances, innit?

-Yeah.

It must be, like, so exciting,

like, meeting your real-life heroes in real life.

Yeah, it is. It's, yeah, in our industry, yeah,

-we have to give back to the fans, do you know what I mean?

-Yeah.

It's like, one little moment in my life will change a fan's life

-forever, probably, so.

-Yeah.

No, I don't really get jealous, cos, like,

I understand what it takes to be in this sort of industry, like.

I read a lot of celeb magazines.

Like, obviously I'm going to have to get used to,

like, girls chasing after Grindah and that kind of thing,

but you just have that trust between you.

And anyway, like, if anything was going on I'd know about it

cos I look through all his e-mails and texts.

That's perfect, that is. Looks good, doesn't it?

-Yeah, looks really nice.

-What hat shall I wear with it?

Oh, no, you don't need a hat, like, no.

Sshh... I'm an MC, I need a hat, OK?

Get me a hat.

There you go.

-Spot on.

-Yeah.

Now get the jeans.

Quite nervous actually. Erm, about to meet a fan,

-so never done that before, it's real exciting.

-You going out?

-Huh?

-Where are you going?

Just got this, this radio thing...

All right, I was just wondering,

um, what's better out of Nuts and Zoo magazine?

Nuts, more posters. Why?

Well, I was just thinking I'd get Craig a bit of afternoon reading.

Are they...? They're my moped keys, yeah?

Yeah, they are.

Look, Roche, I'm really sorry, yeah,

but I had to, like, ride it the other night.

It didn't mean anything, though.

Well, it does mean something, doesn't it?

It means you've broken the deal.

Is Roche the boss?

Nah, not of me. I'm my own boss.

I control my own chakra.

Looked like you'd been in a bit of trouble recently, though.

Yeah, yeah, I've been in a bit of trouble recently but, still,

it doesn't make me not the boss of my own life.

Nah, she is in charge, though, to be fair.

Realistically, yeah, she's in charge.

-Cos you know, she'll be seeing this.

-Yeah, exactly, that's why I said it.

All right, well, I'm really sorry. I'll do it when I get back, yeah?

-Mm-hm.

-All right, sweet.

Well, you might want to pick up some gloves on your way back

to stop the fresh ones from sticking to your hands.

-Disappointed in you, son.

-Why?

So, brother, nice one. Easy, boys.

-You're ready for fan signing, yeah?

-Wah-hey!

-Good balls! He loves it.

-Both of them are.

-So this is our, um, our little fan day,

-do you know what I mean? They're going to love it, yeah.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Chabsy!

-Chabsy!

-Let me do it first.

-OK.

-Think he's in the van.

-Chab... Oh.

-Is that him?

-Oh, he's asleep. Sh-sh.

-Pranked him.

-Shall I?

-Classic prank.

I'll prank him as well.

WHISPERING

Chabsy!

Where the fuck have you been? You look fucked, mate.

Yeah...

I had a bit of a mental one last night in the Portakabin,

a little party.

Er...I must've drunk about eight or nine beers.

I fell asleep in the van by accident.

-Is that Aldona's brother, yeah?

-Yeah.

-They're a bit close, aren't they?

-Hey, don't judge, mate, all right?

If you haven't been to Poland, then you don't understand it,

-it's different.

-All right, see that.

-I might just go and help him pack.

-He's got to catch a train or something.

-All right there, mate?

-Have a shower or something, yeah?

-All right, mate.

-Is it all right to use your van?

-The van? Oh, the Merc?

-Yeah.

-All right, nice one.

-Ah-h!

Now we can burst out like a music video, like get out the way!

BOTH: Get out the way, someone's getting shot, wah-hey!

So if you hadn't been in music,

where would you be now, do you think?

Probably in a slammer, like, you know, the street life

technology, like, do you know what I mean?

When you're in that, life-street mentality, yeah,

when you're raised in this, yeah,

you've got either music or jail, like, do you know what I mean?

-Yeah.

-I'd probably work in Megabulb, Felton,

-cos my cousin's got a little job there, so...

-Yeah.

..he'd probably hook me up with that.

-Right, so basically, yeah, you're going to be standing there...

-Yeah.

..and then all you do is, it's simple, you just say,

"I ain't got the perfume

-"but maybe Grindah can help you out with that," yeah?

-Yeah.

And I'm just like, bang, boot the door open, like.

-you know what I mean, yeah?

-Yeah.

Ah, it's going to be mental, I'm going to love this.

And they will as well, so.

You lot filmed fan stuff before?

It's pretty... It can get a bit...

on top.

It's started raining out here now, so.

-Are you talking to me?

-Yeah.

Well, I'm in the van.

Obviously it ain't always about the glamorous lifestyle,

do you know what I mean? But we'll probably eventually

have our own merchandise, raves, er...aftershave line.

I Am Kurupt.

That's the name of it.

Yeah, we actually spoke to someone at Debenhams about it

and they seemed... Said they was going to get in contact, so.

She wasn't really sure, the girl on the perfume bit.

Obviously we need to speak to people higher up.

I should've just gone round the back of the van.

Just walked out. This is a bit of a piss-take now.

Let me ask if he can see him.

Any sign of him or what?

Nothing yet, mate. Dead up.

-Hold on.

-HE WHISTLES

-I can see him now.

-Don't forget the signal.

No, I won't.

-You all right, mate?

-Hi there.

You all right? Er, we were going to give you perfume, but we've run out.

-What?

-Yeah, we've run out,

but maybe...

just maybe...

Huh?

You've locked the door, fuck's sake! Beats! This is a fucking joke.

Oh, for fuck... That's not it, for fuck's sake, you've ruined it!

You fucked up the whole thing! That's not how it was meant to go!

You've completely ruined it!

-Should we go again?

-Do you want to just... Well, we can't go again,

he's seen me now, look at him.

He's not going to be surprised, it's a waste of time now,

the whole vibe's been ruined, so...

Let's do a photo, let's do a picture.

-Sure.

-Steves.

-I've got a camera.

Whatever, come on, just...

I've got to shoot off in a second

cos I'm just on my lunch break, so...

Yeah, well, I'm in a rush as well, so.

That's it.

Actually, have you got one without all the writing on it?

That's signed by us, that's the whole point.

Well, it's actually a present.

Go in there afterwards, he'll sort you out one.

Have you lot got a signing cos this is a joke, right?

What's the point without us signing anything, like?

What about the shirt, like a footballer?

Fuck it, yeah, let's just use my shirt.

-Yeah? Sign the shirt, yeah?

-Huh? His...

-Said we can sign his shirt.

-Sign his shirt?

-Yeah.

Celebrity fan signing, do you know what I mean? It's... It's...

This is what happens, part and parcel of the business, really, innit?

-Yeah, pass the parcel.

-Ah, see now, come on, let's go, let's go.

-Aargh.

-Ah.

-Do the...

-Smiling yeah?

Do Kurupt K. Yeah.

So, nice one, mate, see you later. Pop yourself off, yeah?

He loved it. Did you lot get that, yeah?

Signed his shirt and everything.

It does happen quite a lot, doesn't it? See you later, mate.

Yeah, I got one, so.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Cheers, see you.

-See you later, mate. Yeah.

That was really draining, though, wasn't it?

Yeah, no, it is. You'll have to get used to it, actually, yeah.

MUSIC: "Neighbourhood" by Zed Bias

I just love the way that she kind of treats me like shit.

That's real, you know.

I'd rather be with someone like that

than be with some bloody bimbo bitch, cos, let's be honest,

most of girls are like that with me.

They see the money, they see the moustache,

they see the Gucci, the Prada, Versace and that, yeah.

They're like, "He's obviously got money," isn't it, yeah?

But I don't want that. I don't get that.

I want a real bitch, you know, a real tom needs a real bitch,

and she's a real bitch.

She's my bitch.

Ah-h!

Absolutely bloody mental.

Oh, my God. How did it go?

Yeah, good, actually.

I ended up signing his shirt, so just standard for me, really.

What, his actual shirt?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got you something as well.

What did you get me?

Nothing, just a little Sean Paul Gaultier perfume.

What?

For free as well. Don't even worry about giving me any money.

-Amazing.

-Yeah.

-Actual Sean Paul Gaultier?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Aw, thank you so much.

-Cool, just...

Aw.

It's lovely. Love you.

Huh?

Come on, give me a kiss.

-Love you.

-You too.

And Beats signed it, too, that's nice.

WHISPERS

BEATS RETCHES

That smells like crab.

Not putting this on the telly.

Stop.