A Touch of Class Perry and Croft: Made in Britain

Jeffrey can't hear you, hi-de-hi.

ALL: Hi-de-ho.

Give me strength.

No, Sergeant Major.

-IMITATES MOCKINGLY:

-No, Sergeant Major.

SHOUTING

Oh, 'eck!

My grandfather was a butler. And they were always on the fiddle.

Why are you topping it up with soda?

Strong whiskey is not good for his Lordship's gout.

"Use your loaf, son, or you'll be back at school."

He means Cambridge.

All our shows have strong class influences.

It still applies today, I'm sure.

SHE SHOUTS

Hi-de-hi!

'The important thing with any sitcom is that it's real,

'you care about the characters and the situation is real.'

Why shouldn't I drink their wine?

'We take turns to write, too, that's the other thing.'

-Cos nobody actually wants to write it down.

-Writing it down...

That's a chore. While you're writing, you can't be creative -

the other person's thinking of all the funny lines.

Do you know she hadn't even...

she hadn't even tried tomato sauce before she met me?!

Now, You Rang M'Lord?

The latest comedy series to come from the pen

of Jimmy Perry and David Croft.

It's outrageous that we should be sitting down here,

guzzling ourselves, while the family are up there hungry.

It's not my fault that they're self-denying themselves.

-But it's for the poor.

-We are the poor!

Any more sprouts, Mrs Lipton?

It must be terrible to have to marry somebody you don't love.

With the upper classes, happiness is a secondary consideration.

They're more concerned with the preservation of the bloodline.

Where do you think the Royal Family would be today

if they married common people?

-You can cut that, can't you?

-It's chaos here. Chaos.

-HE CHUCKLES

-Do you want some cake, Jeffrey?

No, thank you! I'm... No, I'm not into cake.

-Go on, have some cake, Jeffrey.

-Get...!

HE BARKS

'What are you working on at the moment?'

It's called You Rang M'Lord?

It's a sort of a comedy Upstairs, Downstairs.

You know, on an occasion such as this,

one realises, whether one lives up here or below stairs,

we are all one big happy family.

-FLATLY:

-Hear, hear.

As a token of my appreciation,

I would like to present you with something, personally.

-ALL:

-Thank you.

-No, no, no,

you deserve it, you saved £85 from being lost

and £85 is a great deal of money.

Here is five shillings for you, Stokes.

Five for you, James.

And five shillings for you, Mr Lipton.

Ivy, half a crown.

Mabel, a shilling.

Oh, how very kind, Your Lordship.

And Henry, sixpence.

We started in... It was supposed to be 1927.

I was only about four or five at the time.

When you start thinking about it,

it all rubs off somehow and you do have recollections

of the atmosphere and the feeling of life in those days.

All the sets look right and the people are dressed right

and their attitudes to each other,

from the servants to the posh people upstairs,

the attitudes are right.

# Saucy flappers in cloche hats

# Natty chappies in white spats

# The upper set is going bats... #

What started this was that David Croft came from a very lah-di family.

They had a cook and a maid and a chauffeur and all that.

I came from a well-off, middle-class family.

I went to a very good public school.

And so I, you know, I can't say... I didn't have it rough at all.

SHOUTING

# I've got the brains You've got the looks

# Let's make lots of money... #

We've laid the economic foundations of a decent and prosperous future.

# I've had enough of scheming And messing around with jerks

# My car is parked outside I'm afraid it doesn't work

# I'm looking for a partner Someone who gets things fixed

# Ask yourself this question Do you want to be rich? #

With respect, Miss Poppy, if I may say so, that's not fair.

I beg your pardon?

Mrs Lipton is the finest cook of any household in the street.

In all the years I've served His Lordship, we've had many

distinguished guests to dinner and there's never been any complaints.

On the contrary, she's only ever received the very highest praise.

How dare you question my father's judgment?!

I shall see you in his study now.

Properly dressed.

Cor, what a little bitch!

Having shepherd's pie, are you?

Yes, Mabel, we're having shepherd's pie.

That's nice.

I can't remember the last time I sat down to a big plate

of shepherd's pie

with onions and gravy.

There's a bit of cheddar cheese in the larder

you can take home with you, Mabel.

That'll be nice.

There's plenty of pie in the oven.

Be quiet, Ivy!

Mrs Lipton, which bit is it, the big bit or the little bit?

The little bit!

Thanks!

It's been there for days, it's all wizened.

All she's got to do is cut the mould off!

Are you sure you don't want it for the mouse trap?

There's no need to be sarcastic, Mabel, you don't have to take it

-if you don't want it.

-Oh, I'll take it.

I'll make a Welsh rabbit...

a green one!

We didn't want to make it a cosy series, Eamonn.

It's a sort of comedy/drama, that's the whole point.

Some of it is quite heavy, just after the General Strike.

# Times are getting hard, boys

# Money's getting scarce

# If times don't get no better, boys

# I'm going to leave this place

# Take my sweetheart by the hand

# Lead her through the town

# Say goodbye to everyone

# Goodbye to everyone... #

I mean, the toffs upstairs treat the servants appallingly

and the servants have no regard for them ones upstairs.

My grandfather was a butler.

He told my dad all the terrible stories

where the staff had to wait up until the toffs came in

at four o'clock in the morning.

Good morning, Sir, I trust you had a pleasant evening.

Yes, but I find these late nights rather exhausting.

I know the feeling, Sir!

Jerry took us all to The Silver Slipper.

It's got a glass dance floor.

Damned dangerous!

-Sorry to keep you up so late, Ivy.

-It's all right, Miss Cissy.

-What time do you have to get up?

-Six o'clock.

-Have a lie in tomorrow, Ivy.

-Oh, thank you, M'Lord.

Make it 6.30.

I should like to live in a world where opportunity is for everyone.

Where peace is truly universal

and where freedom is secure.

We're a very class ridden society and it's all very well

trying to be classless, but it doesn't seem to work.

We still laugh at it.

United Workers' Party!

Oh, my God!

No!

No. No!

What do you want to get mixed up with all that lot for?

They're all barely Bolsheviks.

It's time somebody did something for the poor!

Do you feel better now, M'Lord?

I shall be all right in a minute.

Old age pension?

12/6 a week!

It'll ruin the country.

Nearly all of my shows, anyway, are historical shows

so they can look back on that particular aspect of British life

and enjoy it and laugh at it.

Hi-de-Hi is set at a holiday camp in the 1950s

and, like their previous successes,

it's based on the author's own experiences.

A beautifully observed period piece,

much of the humour comes from the startlingly different

backgrounds of the two main characters -

the graduate entertainment manager, Jeffrey Fairbrother

and the more earthy experienced host, Ted Bovis.

Now he takes the crown and he puts it on her head.

When he's done that he puts all his arms around her and kisses her.

Then somebody says, "Take your tentacles off that girl, you naughty octopus."

Whereupon Olly turns and squirts him all over with black ink.

I see.

Who says, "Take your tentacles off that girl, you naughty octopus?"

You'll get a belter, there's no doubt about it.

You mean, you-you want me to say it?

Well, one of the first rules of comedy

is that a line like that must be said in a posh voice.

You're the only one with a posh voice!

We wanted a contrast and I remembered

the entertainments manager at Butlin's

had been a university professor.

You should be setting an example and what do you do?

Take a job at a holiday camp as an entertainment manager. Why?

Just tell me why?

Because I'm in a rut, Mother,

and my wife's left me because she says I'm boring.

My students fall asleep at lectures because I bore them.

And, worst of all, I'm boring myself.

What's that got to do with it?

Your father was boring, as well!

He didn't bother other people with it.

He just went to his club every day and dozed off!

Well, I've been dozing too.

-Now I've woken up.

-But Maplins holiday camp...

Working class people go there.

What's wrong with that? They have a damned good holiday!

TANNOY: Hello, campers!

We've got a fun packed programme for you today.

A holiday princess competition, knobbly knees competition...

..kiddies' fancy dress and lots more.

Things like spaghetti-eating competition

and knobbly knees competition, we invented some worse ones after that,

mainly to play off against Jeffrey.

Did you ever see that programme on telly called What's My Line?

Occasionally.

Well, we used to do one called That's Your Bum.

You see instead of going and doing a bit of mime

and guessing your occupation,

you show your bum and the campers have to guess who it belongs to.

CAMPERS: That's Your Bum!

That was an essential part of the programme,

the complete inadequacy of him as a character

and also his embarrassment, actually, at what was going on around him, really.

Yes. Yes, indeed.

# Boom!

# Why did my heart go boom

# Me and my heart go boom

# Bump-ity boom

# When I'm around you

# Boom... #

Well done, everyone, it's going awfully well.

The campers are lapping it up.

You've dealt mainly with the staff, there's very little about the guests.

Yes, that's the basis of the series, we're sticking to the staff.

May I remind you that when I first took you up

you were a third rate chorus boy? I taught you everything.

I taught you how to dress, how to speak.

How to stand up when a lady entered the room.

I stopped you using your table knife like a pen.

I even allowed you to use my name, my family name Stuart-Hargreaves.

And what a mouthful that is, Yvonne and Barry Stuart-Hargreaves.

And just how far do you think you would have got in this profession

-with a name like Bert Pratt!

-That's right...

..tell the whole camp.

TYRES SCREECH

Hi-de-Hi!

I'm Clive Dempster, I've come to work here.

I'm in charge of something, or other.

-Yeah, you are the new camp entertainments manager.

-That's it.

I don't know much about it but I expect I'll pick it up as I go along.

I'm Peggy Ollerenshaw, chalet maintenance.

Glad to meet you, Peggy.

What a lovely car. Do you know, I've never been in one of these.

I'll soon fix that. Hop in, we'll go for a spin.

What shall I do with my toilet rolls?

You can leave them there, pick 'em up later.

Everybody else, when doing a series about holiday camps, makes jokes about the holiday camp.

We don't make jokes about the holiday camp, it's all about the characters who worked there.

In reality, people have a wonderful time at holiday camps.

Yes, it was with both our experience. We were both there.

I was producing shows about the same time that Jimmy was a red coat.

So we knew what it was like and it's always been much maligned in the past.

People do have an hilarious time, and come back year after year.

# Well, come on, let's go

# Let's go, little darlin'

# Tell me that you'll never leave me

# Come on, come on, let's go again

# Go again and again

# Well, swing me, swing me

# All the way down here.

# Come on, let's go, little darlin'

# Let's go, let's go again once more... #

# Do nowt if you want to

# Step out if you want to

# Feel free to have the fun that's really free

# You'll have a really wonderful time

# It's free and easy

# Simply sublime at Butlin's by the sea! #

Jimmy's a great enthusiast. He also had total recall,

he remembers everything that ever happened to him in his life

and that's very useful when you're writing things.

Take one.

I had so much in my head that it just came up.

Evening, gents.

-Name?

-My card.

Joe Walker, wholesale supplier?

In Oxford Street, there were huge lines of spivs.

They'd have two suitcases.

The contents inside, nylon stockings.

Now, the thing is, the shops in Oxford Street didn't have anything

to sell and the spivs were filling the gap.

Anything there you fancy?

The spiv was always the one that was well-dressed

and when he opened his wallet, it was stuffed full of notes.

Where did it come from? But people had a sneaky admiration for him.

# I'm a guy who's always late

# Any time we have a date

# But I love her

# Yes, I love her... #

-Would you do me a favour?

-What is it?

Will you nip outside into the street

-and watch out in case a copper comes by.

-Yeah...

-I beg your pardon!

-Well, I've got some things outside

for Miss Fortescue in the car. I want to bring them in.

Now look, once and for all, Walker, I want nothing to do with your black market activities.

Right... I'll cancel that order of yours for whisky.

You use snobbery to great effect. Captain Mainwaring is sensational.

I mean, a wonderful snob, isn't he? Are you a snob at all?

-He is, terribly.

-Of course I'm not. That's absolute rubbish.

Dreadful snob. Awful.

There's a very fine picture of my late father, Edmund Mainwaring.

A wonderful man...

He had a flourishing tailoring business on The Parade at Eastbourne.

A member of the Master Tailors' Guild.

Did he make the suit you're wearing now, Mr Mainwaring?

Don't be silly, boy, he died in 1922.

So did that suit!

I've known Eastbourne for 50 years,

his father never had a posh tailor shop on The Parade.

He had a pokey little draper shop up a side street

and he'd got all old workman's trousers hanging up

and my brother bought a pair and the gusset fell out.

I suppose you might call that a comment on the society of the '40s

which was terribly snob ridden and terribly class conscious.

We do a little bit of it.

Perhaps you would care to explain?

Yes, well you see, one of my uncles died without leaving any children

so that meant that my side of the family moved up one place,

so to speak, and therefore I am now The Honourable...

Bless my soul.

Yes, well, I don't really see why it should make any

difference to you and me.

You can bet your bottom dollar it won't make any difference to you and me!

You needn't think you can roll in here 20 minutes late after lunch. Where have you been?

I went up to the golf club and had a bite to eat up there.

-The golf club?

-Yes.

-Who took you?

Well, I'm a member.

You're a member, since when?

Yes, well you see, when the committee heard about this

title thing they asked me if I would, you know, like to join.

I've been trying for years to get in there!

I believe they're awfully particular.

My mother used to say,

"Dreadful common man...

HE CHUCKLES

"Have you seen his fingernails?

"Greengrocer."

Only half a pound of them onions, Mabel, they're like gold.

Shove them under the counter.

So, during the war,

people from a more humble station were given jobs like

air raid wardens and it was a very necessary job

and people who had never had any power in life

and never been anything but looked down on,

suddenly found they had power and they could order people about

and knock on their doors and fine them for showing a light.

-What's going on here?

-We're having a party.

Watch the blackout.

Attention!

The air raid warden, played by Bill Pertwee, has a little speech.

I've had enough of you, Mainwaring.

I hope you stay up there forever so I can enjoy this war in peace

because I do enjoy this war.

In fact, I've never enjoyed anything so much in all my life,

as being chief warden! I love it!

And you, you always spoil it!

That sums up the character of Chief Warden Hodges.

"I had power, never had power before."

Our theory is, isn't it David, we do something that I don't think many do, that is adventure comedy.

# Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun

# The toughest Burmese bandit can never understand it

# In Rangoon, the heat of noon, is just what the natives shun

# They put their Scotch or Rye down and lie down

# In a jungle town, where the sun beats down

# To the rage of man and beast

# The English garb of English sahib merely gets a bit more creased

# In Bangkok at 12 o'clock they foam at the mouth and run

# But mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun! #

David Croft was a major in the war, in the Far East

and I was a sergeant.

Whenever we went filming it always reverted with this big film unit,

he was the blooming major and I was a sergeant.

I'm afraid there's nothing else for it,

things are getting very desperate.

We'll have to break into the cocktail snacks.

-Surely not, Sir.

-Yes, I'm afraid so.

The bottle of maraschino cherries,

the tin of football wafers

and the bottle of miniature gherkins.

Supposing somebody drops in for drinks?

-It's a chance we have to take. Go get the cocktail snacks.

-All right.

Basically, it all happened, the two officers were idiots.

The captain and the colonel and they talked like that.

-You're not nervous, are you?

-Not very, anyway.

-Good.

-You're going first, are you?

-Yes, sir.

-What's your name?

-Arthur Parker.

Arthur Parker and who are you going to talk to?

-My wife.

-Your wife.

-Well, there she is in front.

-Hello, Gladys, darling.

It's a long time since I saw you.

The grammar school boys did come up through the ranks to sort of

officer class. It was the way they spoke and the way they behaved.

In fact, they were mainly worried about whether they'd get

their gin and tonic on time, that sort of thing.

-La-de-dah Gunner Graham is next, Sir.

-Why do you call him that?

It's the way he talks, Sir.

He's got an awfully affected accent. I can't stand that.

Yes, sir, well he makes me feel like a bad smell under his nose.

Still, we must be absolutely fair and impartial.

-Get him in, will you.

-Sir!

Quick march, left-right, left-right, left-right, left-right,

left-right. Move yourself, move yourself.

Halt! Salute!

-I don't think so, do you, Ashwood?

-Not really, Sir.

-I quite agree, Sir.

-That'll be all, thank you.

-Salute!

About turn, left-right, left-right...

The sergeant major had a rag but he ran the army.

The officers indicate what they want to be done

but they're the personalities that actually make it happen.

Move yourselves, move yourselves!

The colonel has asked me

to conduct a survey as to the state of your minds. Gunner Graham?

Yes, Sergeant Major. What is the state of your mind?

Stagnating, Sergeant Major.

IMITATES MOCKINGLY: Stagnating, Sergeant Major. You...

Useless by James Joyce.

-Whose is this?

-It's mine, Sergeant Major.

"Useless" just about sums you up.

Actually, it's Ulysses by James Joyce.

It concerns the peregrinations of an apostate theological...

I know what's it all about!

Now if you have any queries, you can ask me, or Sylvia.

She's an old stager and she has had a lot of experience,

-haven't you, Sylvia?

-Yes, Gladys, not quite as much as you.

A lot of interesting little stories going on, interesting relationships.

This is the first series we've done that we've had girls in.

They're not real girls, Sir.

They're men dressed up as girls.

WOLF WHISTLE

Have you got a free hand to deal with the knob?