Birds and Bees Perry and Croft: Made in Britain

-MAN:

-232, take one.

Got a free hand to deal with the knob?

-Will you be around later, Arthur, for your usual?

-Mavis!

We write about what we've experienced.

And we've got up to the age of 23 now, so we're going to do much more.

SONG: "Why Does My Heart Go Boom?"

-WOMAN:

-Goodbye, George.

Got some lovely things.

Thank you.

-CROFT:

-We liked this interaction of a lot of characters,

all bringing a different dimension

to whatever the situation is at the time.

He's looking very perky.

Have you given him one?

-PERRY:

-Get funny people but don't give them jokes,

don't give them gags.

Put them in funny situations.

What are you playing at, Bombardier?

-Me? Nothing.

-Shut up!

-PERRY:

-Shows done of today, contemporarily,

it doesn't look so good when you see it in ten or 15 years' time,

it looks old-fashioned.

Whereas if you do it about something that happened ten, 15, 20 years ago,

they seem to escape that, somehow.

In 1966, a partnership began between two writers,

Jimmy Perry and David Croft,

which resulted in two of television's most successful situation comedies -

Dad's Army and It Ain't Half Hot Mum.

A third, Hi-de-Hi!, is now fast establishing itself on BBC1

on Thursday evenings.

GLOCKENSPIEL CHIMES

Hello, campers!

Welcome to your first morning at Maplins.

We've got a fun-packed program for you today.

Her Majesty the Queen has asked me to form a new administration

and I have accepted.

SONG: "Rock This Town"

# Well, if you're feeling lonely

# And getting' in a stew

# Just bend your ear, come over here

# And, man, here's what you do

# If you got the blues I got some news

# Join in the fun in your blue suede shoes

# Do the holiday rock The holiday rock

# The ho-de-ho-de hi-de-hi #

-What are you having, Fred? A pint?

-Yes, please, Ted.

-How about you, Barry?

-Oh, pink gin, please. Two shakes and leave it in.

David, what are you actually aiming for in this series?

Is it the interplay of characters

who are all very different from one another?

We wanted to probably develop the characterisations of a wider

number of relationships.

Dad's Army really was mostly concerned with

the relationships between Mainwaring and the rest of them,

though there were little bits of by-play.

Here I think we've got a bunch of characters

and we can get a lot of interesting little stories going,

a lot of interesting relationships going.

Yes, and this is the first series we've done that we've had girls in, actually.

Dad's Army was a lot of old men

and It Ain't Half Hot Mum was a lot of young men

but now we've got some rather lovely girls in it.

-Did that create a problem for you?

-Oh, no, no.

Not the slightest problem, no.

HE LAUGHS

-WOMAN:

-You are here to make sure the campers are given a real good time.

-Isn't that right, Sylvia?

-Yes, Gladys.

Sylvia's an expert at giving the campers a real good time.

-MAN:

-What gave you the idea to do a series based on a holiday camp?

I was a Redcoat when I was at RADA - Royal Academy of Dramatic Art.

And in the summer holidays I used to go to Butlin's at Pwllheli

and it's all based on, with David, on the characters we met.

I was at Pwllheli as well, actually.

I was producing shows there, at the same time, probably, as Jim.

We didn't meet. We never saw each other.

Now, campers, here is your own Hi-De-Hi song. Ready?

# Hi-de-hi

# Hi-de-ho

# Hi-de-hi

# Hi-de-ho... #

-PERRY:

-Butlin's Holiday Camp in the late '40s - wonderful.

The war was over, we'd got through it,

and people were having an amazing time.

When you were at Butlin's as a Redcoat,

did people behave as your lot behave?

-Did the entertainers behave as...

-Exactly.

There was one particular Redcoat had a birthday every fortnight.

She used to put a few old cards out and then invite a camper into

the chalet and they'd say, "What are those cards?"

"No, we don't talk about that. But as a matter of fact, it's my birthday tomorrow."

And they used to get the presents.

Right, pay attention, everyone.

This is April. She's an hairdresser.

This is Dawn. She comes from Watford.

And this is Babs.

Was in the Holiday Princess competition at the Camber Sands last year.

She came second.

SONG: "Kiss Me, Honey Honey, Kiss Me"

-MAN:

-Good morning.

Wake with the comforting thought of coffee and bacon.

There's never a Monday rush

when you come down to a ready-cooked breakfast.

An electrically cooked, automatically cooked breakfast.

A breakfast that cooked while you slept.

Remember, lunch at 1.00. Yes, goodbye.

And then out for the morning.

While he's working, lunch is cooking and you are shopping.

SONG: "Wives And Lovers"

# She's my baby

# Be-bop-a-lulu

# I don't mean maybe

# Be-bop-a-lulu

# She's my baby... #

-Ooh! Hello!

-Hello.

I'm Gladys Pugh, the sports organiser.

Jeffrey Fairbrother. How do you do?

Mr Baverstock, who had your job last year,

used to let me keep my racquet in here.

It's a championship model. You don't mind, do you?

Well, no, no, no, no. Of course not. No, carry on.

Um, so you are the sports organiser?

-What sort of sports do you organise?

-Oh, I'm not fussy.

Anything you like.

I'm an all-rounder.

When you actually create a character,

does she then suggest things that you should write in future episodes,

-or does she entirely faithfully follow what you do?

-No, no.

-I'm entirely faithful, aren't I?

-She's entirely faithful to us.

-But her character...

-Her character, it springs up.

As she plays the scenes, you sort of begin to see where it can go

and how to develop it.

Mr Fairbrother, who had your job last year,

was a very passionate man.

He couldn't keep his hands off me.

I don't blame him.

He was a university professor and an archaeologist.

Those brainy chaps are all the same.

They spend so much time with their noses buried in their books

that they get frustrated.

It all builds up inside them and then...bingo.

Yes. Bingo.

Eyes down for a full house.

You establish characters, people get to like them and they want to see them.

Oh, I can't believe this is happening.

It's like a beautiful dream.

MUSIC: "The Bridal Chorus"

And now we've come to the classy part of the cabaret.

Give a big hand to your resident ballroom champions,

Yvonne and Barry Stuart-Hargreaves!

-PERRY:

-The ballroom dancers really existed.

MUSIC: "The Blue Danube Waltz"

Barry, that poor man.

Why did he marry her?

He's obviously gay.

And people ask questions. "Why are they together?"

Barry?

Look at this.

Those girls have undone their bra straps.

So what?

-They only do it to attract men.

-Well, it doesn't do anything for me.

It's disgusting.

Supposing I lay there with my bra straps undone to attract men.

What would you say then?

I'd say it was the first time anyone had used a couple of walnuts

to crack a sledgehammer.

-MAN:

-When you got married, were you consciously aware of the fact

-that you were marrying somebody with homosexual tendencies?

-No.

I was marrying somebody I loved and that was it.

-PERRY:

-This is the depth of characters

that David and I went in for.

I think I'm getting a headache.

It's a bit early.

You usually get those just as you're climbing into bed.

SONG: "Please Leave My Butter Alone"

What's that supposed to be, boy?

Well, you said if you had nothing else, tie a carving knife to a broom handle.

-I didn't say keep the brush on the end of it, you stupid boy!

-Well, you should have said!

-I don't want any insubordination. Take this man's name, Sergeant.

-What's your name, lad?

Well, you should know by now. You've been a friend of my mum since before I was born.

And what exactly is the relationship between Sergeant Wilson

and Private Pike's mum?

-That's something that intrigues people.

-She's a widow. She's a widow.

And we don't know about Sergeant Wilson's background,

whether he once had a wife.

He did, actually, in a way, but all that's in the mists of time.

He gives her his ration book, you see.

And he goes around there for his meals

and he has his supper there at night

and his breakfast in the mornings and as Pike says,

"You know, Uncle Arthur, I never hear you leave after supper

"and I never hear you come back in the morning.

"You must let yourself in very quietly." And he says, "Well, I do."

And he said, "Well, it's about the only thing you do do quietly."

Hello there. What's going on here?

Oh, sorry, sir. I'm so sorry.

I saw a shadowy figure in a doorway

and I thought something fishy was going on.

Everything's quite all right.

-Has she locked you out, has she?

-No, no. No, she hasn't.

-It's quite all right.

-Lost your key?

-I don't have a key.

-Well, I've got a bunch. Three bob each.

I came here to remind young Master Pike

about the parade tomorrow night.

Oh, well, you'll see him in the bank the morning, won't you?

Well, I came around to remind him about that as well.

Arthur, are you still there?

Yes, of course I'm still here, dear.

Good job you arrived when you did. I'd only just got undressed!

-PERRY:

-We all sort of slightly inferred

that Pike was Wilson's illegitimate son.

And as far as I'm concerned, he was.

Come and sort this out, will you? Mrs Pike on the telephone.

-Come on, boy. Come out here.

-Come along, come along. Right.

-Hello. Hello, Mavis.

-Oh, it's you, Arthur!

I should have thought you would've known better than to have let Frank use a public telephone box.

-Well, it's not my fault, Mavis.

-Of course it's your fault!

Now, Mavis, I really think you mollycoddle that boy far too much.

-Hear, hear.

-Yes. Captain Mainwaring thinks that too.

I really think you're being rather silly.

Oh, I'm silly, am I?

Well, you're very silly if you think I'm only here to administer to

-all your little comforts every evening!

-Oh, now, Mavis, please.

You think you've only got to knock on my door and I shall come running.

I've never asked you to run, Mavis.

SONG: "You Can't Say No To A Soldier"

Did you have to delve back

and do much research in order to do a comedy series about this?

Yes, I did. I did a lot of research.

David and I did a lot of research because, you know,

memory dims over the years

and what you think happened didn't always quite happen that way,

you know, after all those years.

If anything, I think the things that happened were even more fantastic

than Dad's Army portrays.

My main remembrance of the Home Guard days

was that we had much more fun, even, if possible,

than they seem to do in Dad's Army.

I mean, we laughed at ourselves and we laughed at each other

and the whole thing, I know that they worked hard all day

and they came to the Home Guard at night

but they really took it in such a wonderful spirit

of fun and laughing at each other.

And...and my main reaction was,

"Were we really as pompous, quite, as that?"

-Well, let's try it, shall we? Give the orders, sergeant.

-Right.

Turn. Attention!

Oh, no, no, no. No, that was very sloppy.

Not you, Mrs Gray. That was very good.

SHE MOUTHS WORDS

Attention!

Will you be bringing your wife, sir?

No. No, I don't think so, Wilson.

I don't think Elizabeth would do much for Anglo-American relations.

Tell me about Mrs Mainwaring. Does she have a drink problem?

I mean, why does one only hear little hints about her?

-She has a weight problem, I think, definitely.

-Yes.

The only time we've seen her is in her bunk.

It went like that, you know?

-Are you asleep, Elizabeth?

-Mmm.

You know, I can't help thinking

it would be better to sleep inside the house when there isn't a raid on.

-The shelter's very damp.

-Mmm.

SONG: "Who Were You With Last Night?"

When will we see each other again?

I don't know. Not for years, anyway.

The children will all be grown up.

I wonder if they'll ever meet and know each other.

Couldn't I write you, just once in a while?

No, Alec, please. You know we promised.

But...

..but I...I don't want you to go.

The whole pattern of my life has changed.

-I just live from one meeting to the next.

-I know.

And I'm just the same. But it's the only thing to do.

-People are talking.

-People always talk. Who cares about them?

-But there's your wife!

-Huh! Nobody ever talked to her.

I'll forgive you if you forgive me.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Goodbye, George!

Now, how do the two of you work? Which of you writes what?

Well, at one time we used to...

Some years ago we used to work out two plots

-and then David would write one and I'd write the other.

-In Dad's Army?

Yes, Dad's Army and It Ain't Half Hot.

But now we do it line by line, eyeball to eyeball

and hour after hour after hour.

You need that idiot mentality, I think, to write comedy.

Joke for joke, you know?

Do you fall about laughing at each others' jokes

when one of you comes up with a particularly brilliant line?

Oh, it's never as funny again. It's at its peak at that moment.

-I've just been to the MO, sir.

-Oh? What's wrong with you?

Nothing wrong with me, sir. Fit as a fiddle.

No, sir. The MO wanted me to give you a message

and it's, uh...very confidential.

-Oh, well, spit it out.

-Yes, sir.

Well, uh...you know that stuff they put in the men's tea, sir?

You mean...you mean sugar?

No, sir.

You know, sir, the stuff they put in the tea to stop them getting, uh...

..stop them getting 'ooh'!

-PERRY:

-It got a very good audience quite early on.

Surprising, really, because the complete lack of women,

I think, was a disadvantage for it.

Not much you could do about it, really,

because we didn't have women out there.

SONG: "Don't Sit Under The Apple Tree"

# Show me the way to go home

# I'm tired and I want to go to bed

# I had a little drink about an hour... #

Hello, Oldham!

Greetings to you all from the boys serving out here.

Hello, Eva, darling.

Hope you and the kiddies, Frank and Gordon, are keeping well.

I am fine myself.

I miss you terribly.

How long is it since you've seen your wife?

-It's over two years now, sir.

-And I bet you miss her, don't you?

Yes. That's what I was thinking about just now.

-You live in Surbiton, don't you?

-No, Richmond, actually.

-Oh, same thing.

Now, I want you to imagine that you've just been demobbed

and you draw up outside your house in a taxi.

But I only live 50 yards from the station, sir.

You put the key in the door and go inside

and there she is, standing there.

You haven't seen her for two whole years!

She runs towards you.

And you say, "Look what I've got in my hand."

And she looks down and there it is.

SONG: "The Galloping Major"

You can't beat a live show -

young fellows and girls on the stage.

First rate.

They're not real girls, sir.

They're men dressed up as girls.

I'm well aware of that, Sergeant-Major.

I'm not a complete fool, you know.

Well, with the footlights on them

and lipstick and powder and one thing and another,

they don't look too bad at all, really.

I mean, damn it, in this godforsaken hole

they're the nearest thing we're going to get to women.

-I thought you put that very well, Ashwood.

-Oh, thank you, sir.

-PERRY:

-Because of the complete lack of female soldiers,

all those soldier shows had men playing the girls' parts.

Why aren't I doing Esther Williams?

Cos you're Ginger Rogers. You can't do every part.

There was a time when I was the only one in the show dressed up as a woman.

Now they're all having a go. It's too much, I tell you.

-It's too much!

-Calm down, Gloria.

-I can't calm down! It's my nerves!

I don't know what I'm doing here! I mean, what am I doing here? I'm an artist!

-JIMMY:

-Well, the person it was based on wasn't called Gloria.

He wore make-up and earrings, a little party handbag.

I said, "Where are you off to, Stan?"

He said, "I'm going down to the officer's mess."

And he used to sing and dance for them because there were no women.

The sergeant-major said,

"I don't know what's come over the army and all these conscripts.

"I think it shouldn't be allowed."

MUSIC: "Ain't She Sweet?"

I've seen nothing like it in all my life!

Here I is, supposed to be in charge of soldiers, and instead of which,

I find myself face to face with a lot of two-faced,

double-crossing,

two-timing snakes in the grass.

And what is more...

..you is a load of poofs! What are you?!

-A load of poofs!

-What?

-A load of poofs!

-Louder!

-A load of poofs!

And turn! Double quick march!

-What are you?!

-A load of poofs!

SONG: "Varsity Drag"

How much longer are they going to be?

Oh, I don't know, Ivy.

They've probably gone on to the Kit-Cat Club.

Oh, that's a terrible place. I read about it in The News Of The World.

The men dress up as women and the women dress up as men.

I think you're mixing it up with the Conservative Club, Ivy.

SONG: "Anything Goes"

-Sissy, darling!

-Penelope!

-Oh, you look divine!

-Do girls usually kiss each other on the lips these days?

-I don't know.

-I always kiss girls on the lips.

-Yes, well, we all know about that.

-JIMMY:

-We got fan mail from gay people saying,

"At last somebody is portraying a gay woman who isn't made a fool of."

May the best man win, Teddy.

You're an absolute rotter!

SONG: "Let's Misbehave"

Now, then, we can return to the old order of things -

honesty, fair play

and, above all, decent Victorian values and morality.

Hear, hear.

-DAVID:

-Jimmy and I always thought it was our best work ever.

And it's a lovely series, actually. It's historically accurate.

It's beautifully acted. It's super work.

First of all, I took the tea in to His Lordship

and Lady Agatha was in bed with him!

Then I took it into Sir Ralph

and Lady Agatha was in bed with him as well!

Then I took the tea in to Miss Sissy

and she was in bed with Miss Penelope!

And I took in Miss Poppy's and she was in bed with Miss Cartwright,

only the wrong way round.

SONG: "Good-Bye-Ee!"

It's the wind of change, Ted.

Aye.

You're right there, Spike.

It's the wind of change.

Howdy, partner. Put it there.

On behalf of the people of Walmington-on-Sea,

I bid you welcome and congratulate you upon entering the war.

At last.

You've got a pretty old cast there

and out you go on location and it's pretty hard on them.

It's very good for them, I think, actually.

Gets them out in the fresh air.

Whose side are you on?

Depends on who I'm talking to at the time.

SHE MOUTHS WORDS

# Good-bye-ee, good-bye-ee

# Wipe the tear, baby dear, from your eye-ee

# Though it's hard to part, I know

# I'll be tickled to death to go

# Don't cry-ee, don't sigh-ee

# There's a silver lining in the sky-ee

# Bonsoir, old thing Cheerio, chin-chin

# Nap-poo, toodle-oo, goodbye-ee! #