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Like Narnia But Sexy

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This programme contains some strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.

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MUSIC: "Oxford Comma" by Vampire Weekend

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# Who give a f... about an Oxford comma?

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# I've seen those English dramas too

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# They're cruel

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# So if there's any other way to spell the word, it's fine

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# With me, with me

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# Why would you speak... #

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BELL RINGS

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Time's up. Pens down.

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# When I always said that I

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# Haven't got the words for you

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# All your diction dripping with disdain

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# Through the pain I always tell the truth. #

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Done and done.

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All that remains is the ceremonial tearing up of the exam sheet.

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Oh, hi, how did you get on?

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Yeah, great! Really enjoyed it.

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Hey, what are these questions?

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Uh, twelve to fifteen.

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Oh! no, no, no, no!

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Why did they put them on the back?!

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Oh, Mike, it's gone.

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Oh, but...

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Look, it was physics, so, you know.

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You're right.

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I'm over it.

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I was thinking of doing this residential summer camp for disadvantaged kids.

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You're not exactly disadvantaged, Beth

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apart from the height thing.

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I meant as a volunteer counsellor, idiot.

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Look, there's these beautiful cabins in the Lake District

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we go for walks, get out there in nature.

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I thought it'd be really fun if we did it together,

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-you know, get away from people.

-Apart from the little weird kids.

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So, you in?

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Err, maybe. How weird are the kids?

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I don't know, they're orphaned or disabled, or something.

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No way, Beth. This is a very important time in a young man's life

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it's a time for drinking and chasing women.

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Jamie does not want to be wasting his prime on a bunch of loser kids.

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Maybe he does,

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maybe he wants to do something more worthwhile with his time.

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I don't think I'm the sort of person they're looking for.

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I don't think I'm ready for responsibility.

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Basically making sure they don't fall in a lake.

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Hello, Beth. Read the body language.

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Exams are over. Life begins!

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Life begins.

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Look, life's not fair, OK.

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These kids have got to learn that.

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Oh, look, Frederik's handing out party flyers.

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I hate that guy.

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His parents are like arms dealers or something.

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That party is going to be amazing, though.

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We should crash it.

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Yes!

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Oh, opportunity to lose our virginity together,

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this could be it.

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He means simultaneously, not with each other.

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Although, we could end up with the same woman take an end each.

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We'd be like marathon runners holding hands over the finishing line. Yeah!

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-No!

-It'd be a great way to celebrate.

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-What would?

-Nothing.

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We're going to crash Frederik and Sasha's party.

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And there may be scenes of a sexual nature, oh yeah,

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certificate 18...

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..or hopefully 15, at least.

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Great. What time are we going?

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Oh, actually, it's sort of a boy's only night.

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What, like a gay night?

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No! No, it's just...

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Worried about me cramping your style, you and your wing man?

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Beth, it's just you're a mate, it'd be weird with you there.

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Oh, I see. Fine.

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Wouldn't want to go to a party at a place like that anyway.

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What, a big house with a swimming pool?

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Yeah, and what paid for that pool? Blood money.

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The blood of 1,000 child soldiers caught on the wrong side of a deranged militia.

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Oh, hello, little boy.

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What's your name?

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Bang! Who cares?

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-Jesus, Beth!

-Another little future spattered across the wall.

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-We're not endorsing genocide, we just want to get laid!

-Tell it to the Hague!

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What the hell was that?

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Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, can't you see?

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She's crazy about me and she senses the ship is sailing.

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Off out?

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Yeah, Sasha's having drinks, I'm going with Danielle.

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That's interesting because I thought you were grounded.

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Christ's sake, it was a spliff.

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It's not like you found me snorting coke, straddling my pimp.

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Oh, very nice, Laura.

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I've told Danielle I'm going.

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You'll have plenty of time to see Danielle in Edinburgh.

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Look, Mum, I appreciate you trying to cram in some parenting,

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but really, it's a bit late. I'm 18.

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Well, let's make the most of the precious time we have left together.

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You are not going out.

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You are such a bitch!

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Do you want me to tell your father what you just said?

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There's no need. He already knows.

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Jamie?

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How did you get on?

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Worse than Beth, probably better than Mike.

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All finished. Well done.

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Cheers, Mike's coming over, We're heading out to celebrate.

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-I've got a little something for you.

-What is it?

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The future.

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Oh, no, not the toy shop.

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They're recruiting, it's a good holiday job.

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Do understand what the word 'holiday' means?

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You're right.

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Tell you what, your Dad and I will sponsor you

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to screw around for two months. How's that?

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All right, I'll look at it,

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but I'm not going to try that hard to get it.

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Oh, Christ, what a day.

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Never work for anyone, son, if you can avoid it.

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So, Laura, I think your father wanted to talk to you about something.

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-Did I?

-Yes, you definitely did.

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Oh, right, uh, that.

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Yes, your mother tells me you're thinking of not going to university.

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Since when?

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Well we can only assume by your behaviour

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that you won't be wanting our financial support.

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Oh, I see, you're punishing me, great.

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The whole world is one big fucking naughty step for you two, isn't it?

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Oh, sorry, shall I go to my room?

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Actually, Mum, why don't you chuck me out,

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like you did with Dad when he shagged his secretary?

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Thank you very much, Laura.

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Oh, no problem.

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Thank you for convincing me to stay in tonight,

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this is much more fun than being with my friends.

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You're welcome, this is the kind of evening I just live for.

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Much nicer than a civilised meal.

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Yeah, well we're not that sort of family, are we?

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-What sort would that be?

-The sort that actually likes each other.

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-Oh!

-Can you smell that?

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Yeah! Are you trying to attract women or incapacitate them?

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Uh, bit of both? Hey, check this out.

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Is that a piercing?

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No, it's one of my Mum's earrings superglued to my second chakra.

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I'm going to be unstoppable tonight.

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Plus, I've made the ultimate seduction playlist.

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This has been specifically designed to put the target

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into a sexually receptive state.

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The target? Wow, lucky girl.

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Listen.

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See, starts off all slow and acoustic,

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she's thinking, "Yeah, seems like a nice, non-threatening guy."

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Really? Not, "Who's the freak who's put the earphones on me?"

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No, I'll play it on the stereo. I'm taking a three and a half mil jack.

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Oh, well, be sure to mention that

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because women love talking about audio equipment.

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So, now she's lulled into a false sense of security,

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it's time for the sofa transition phase.

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So, we're sat there, and the vibe getting all smooth and sexy.

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I move in for the kill.

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So, anyway, foreplay, foreplay, foreplay...blah, blah, blah,

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Ah, yeah, here we go, uh, uh, yeah.

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See, really helps with the timing.

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Uh, start co-ordinating each thrust. Uh, uh, uh.

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Stop doing that on my bed!

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Shh.

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See, now we start pacing up a little bit all inhibitions are going,

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she's tearing off her clothes.

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She's all lost now, "Oh, Mike, Mike, you're so amazing!"

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"Oh, my God, Mike! Aww, oh!"

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And then we get towards, towards the big finish...

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"..Aargh!"

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Top Gear?! What woman's going to want to listen that?

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Who cares?

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By that point it's not about her, it's all about me.

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'Sasha's party is going to be a generation defining event.

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'You have to be there, so just stop being such a fucking Cinderella.'

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I'm not a fucking Cinderella. I'm just...

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Staying home whilst everyone else goes to the party?

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"Oh, I'm grounded, I'm grounded, I'll never meet Prince Charming."

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OK, I'm coming. Hang on.

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'Good girl.'

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POP MUSIC PLAYS

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OK.

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'Laura, Laura?'

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MUSIC AND CHATTER

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This better be worth it.

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Whoa!

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Oh, my God. It's like Narnia...

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..but sexy.

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I'm fine. The nettles broke my fall.

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What's wrong with your face?

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What? Is it bad?

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Er...no.

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Anyway, it's going to be dark in there.

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Doesn't it hurt?

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Um, not really.

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Oh, wait, yeah.

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LOUD DANCE MUSIC

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OK, so we should circulate, try and meet some people.

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No, that's not my game plan.

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I'm a man of mystery, an enigma.

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I have to let the women come to me, then slightly ignore them

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like the horse whisperer.

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OK, well, let's at least go and stand by the drinks.

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Oh, nice one, yeah, brilliant.

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Angle this way.

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Put this on.

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What's her problem?

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She's fine. She just hates her parents.

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How original.

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I'm going to check out the rest of this house.

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Do you want to come with me?

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-Yeah.

-Come on.

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DANCE MUSIC

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Do you think she's all right?

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Bit messed up, but, yeah, she's fit.

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No, I mean she looks a bit upset.

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Oh, right, yeah, vulnerable, like it.

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No, it's not what I meant.

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What?

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I was just wondering, are you OK?

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Are you trying to chat me up?

0:13:060:13:09

No.

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Yes.

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What?

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Are you saying I'm not pretty?

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No, you're very pretty.

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I know I am.

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I know.

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I just wanted to check you were all right.

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Oh,

0:13:270:13:29

that's quite sweet, actually.

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OK.

0:13:330:13:35

Um, sorry, I'm not much of a conversationalist.

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Well, stop talking, then.

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How the hell did he do that?

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Hi, my friend over there wanted me to ask you something.

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Oh, right.

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Yeah, can you move somewhere else

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because your face is, kind of, upsetting her?

0:14:130:14:15

Yeah.

0:14:170:14:18

PHONE VIBRATES

0:14:350:14:37

'Hi, Beth.'

0:14:400:14:41

Ah, Hef. How's the Playboy Mansion working out for you?

0:14:410:14:45

Great, great. It's all very cool here.

0:14:450:14:48

'So, why are you calling me?'

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Oh, you seemed upset earlier and I wanted to make sure you were OK.

0:14:500:14:54

Yeah, it's because nobody's talking to you, isn't it?

0:14:540:14:56

Actually, I'm getting a lot of attention.

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And Jamie pulled ages ago. Went off with some crazy girl.

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Beth?

0:15:070:15:08

Yeah, it sounds all right actually. I might come along.

0:15:080:15:11

I wouldn't bother. I'm moments away from pulling myself.

0:15:110:15:14

-You wouldn't have anyone to talk to.

-Yeah, I'm coming.

0:15:140:15:18

Ow! Ow! That's attached, that's attached!

0:15:260:15:31

Oh, hey, Beth.

0:15:310:15:32

It's winding down in there so I'm just going to shoot off.

0:15:320:15:35

Jesus, what's happened to your face? And where's Jamie?

0:15:350:15:39

Oh, interesting story this,

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I was just with these girls, making a connection and...

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You know what we need?

0:15:570:15:59

What?

0:15:590:16:00

A room.

0:16:000:16:01

Uh...

0:16:010:16:03

Oh!

0:16:160:16:19

SHE GIGGLES

0:16:200:16:21

OK, we have to do it now.

0:16:350:16:38

OK, well, look, maybe we should slow things down,

0:16:410:16:44

we've both had a bit to drink.

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Though I see your coordination still fairly intact.

0:16:460:16:49

Good.

0:16:490:16:50

Don't look, just don't look.

0:17:070:17:09

God, that's disgusting.

0:17:110:17:13

# My baby don't mess around

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# Because she loves me so... #

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# Cos I'm...having...a...good... time...with you

0:17:390:17:45

# I'm telling you

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# I-I-I've had the time of my life

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# And I never felt this way before

0:17:510:17:55

# And I swear, yes, it's true

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# And I owe it all to you

0:17:590:18:01

# I-I-I've had the time of my life

0:18:010:18:07

# And I never felt this way before

0:18:070:18:11

# And I swear this is true

0:18:110:18:14

# And I owe it all to you

0:18:140:18:17

# I-I-I've had the time of my life

0:18:170:18:22

# And I never felt this way before

0:18:220:18:25

# And I swear this is true

0:18:250:18:29

# And I owe it all to you

0:18:290:18:32

# I-I-I've had the time of my life

0:18:320:18:37

# And I never felt this way before

0:18:370:18:40

# And I swear this is true

0:18:400:18:44

# And I owe it all to you. #

0:18:440:18:47

SEXUAL GROANS

0:18:520:18:56

SEXUAL GROANS CONTINUE

0:19:000:19:03

HE GRUNTS

0:19:080:19:11

THEY GROAN CLIMACTICALLY

0:19:230:19:25

-Oh!

-Michael? I've done you a sandwich. >

0:19:330:19:37

Mum!

0:19:370:19:38

MUSIC: "Top Gear Theme"

0:19:380:19:40

PHONE RINGS

0:20:080:20:10

'Jamie, where are you?'

0:20:150:20:17

I'm still here, with Laura. The girl from last night. We did it.

0:20:170:20:22

-Holy crap, really?

-'Yeah.'

0:20:220:20:24

It was AMAZING. How was your night?

0:20:240:20:27

Rather not discuss it.

0:20:270:20:29

'Is she still asleep?

0:20:310:20:34

'Jamie?

0:20:340:20:36

'Jamie?'

0:20:360:20:38

-'Jamie!'

-Yeah?

-'Is she dressed?'

0:20:400:20:43

-Not really.

-Can you text me a photo?

-No!

0:20:430:20:46

'I'm just going to make her a coffee or something.'

0:20:460:20:48

I'd just leg it if I were you, mate.

0:20:480:20:50

-Why?

-'What if she's weirded out about sleeping with a 16-year-old?'

0:20:500:20:54

-That's statutory rape.

-It's not statutory rape! It was,

0:20:540:20:57

you know...special.

0:20:570:21:00

Gay! Jamie, she was pissed and she's way out of your league.

0:21:000:21:03

I don't know. I think she liked me.

0:21:030:21:07

-She also seemed to like staggering into furniture and screaming her head off.

-Yeah, but...

0:21:070:21:11

OK, OK.

0:21:110:21:13

I think the classy thing to do would be to write her a thank you note.

0:21:130:21:16

-Well, I can't just leave.

-Trust me. It's the gentlemanly approach.

0:21:160:21:20

'That way, if she wants to get in touch, she can.'

0:21:200:21:24

I suppose.

0:21:240:21:26

Either way, you'll always have that night so text me a quick photo...

0:21:260:21:31

Laura, darling, it's arrived.

0:22:150:22:17

Go on.

0:22:230:22:24

Well?

0:22:370:22:39

A's, all A's.

0:22:390:22:41

Oh, that's marvellous. That's better than your cousin Gabby.

0:22:410:22:47

Not that it's all about that, but I must tell your Aunty Louise.

0:22:470:22:50

You all right?

0:22:500:22:52

Yeah, just relieved, I suppose.

0:22:520:22:55

As if there was any doubt. We knew you'd never let us down.

0:22:550:22:58

We're very proud of you, darling.

0:22:580:23:00

OK. We'll I'm going to go and phone Danielle.

0:23:020:23:05

Well done. I...

0:23:060:23:07

How long's it been?

0:23:140:23:15

Two minutes.

0:23:160:23:17

Positive.

0:23:240:23:25

SHE GROANS

0:23:260:23:28

OK, so are you going to call him?

0:23:320:23:35

They're not 100% accurate.

0:23:350:23:37

This is the third one - from this brand.

0:23:370:23:40

Clear And True, Ovi-test, they all agree, you are pregnant.

0:23:400:23:45

-This one even thinks it's twins.

-Oh, God!

0:23:470:23:50

I know. Men can be such bastards.

0:23:500:23:54

Actually, no, he seemed quite nice from what I remember.

0:23:540:23:58

But he didn't exactly stick around to chat, did he?

0:23:580:24:00

He probably won't want to know. I mean, I wouldn't.

0:24:000:24:04

-Are you sure you want to tell him?

-I don't know.

0:24:040:24:06

But he got me into this mess. Why should he...?

0:24:060:24:09

Give me the number.

0:24:090:24:11

OK.

0:24:120:24:13

OK...you dial.

0:24:140:24:16

Hi.

0:24:270:24:28

There's no easy way to say this but we met a few weeks ago

0:24:300:24:34

and we slept together and I'm pregnant.

0:24:340:24:37

Please say something.

0:24:410:24:43

'Hello?'

0:24:460:24:48

Is that a seven or a nine?

0:24:480:24:51

Oh!

0:24:510:24:52

You guys want these?

0:25:000:25:02

-Cheers, Mum.

-Thanks.

0:25:020:25:05

So, what are you lot up to today?

0:25:050:25:07

Liberating Baghdad.

0:25:070:25:09

Oh, good. So long as you're not wasting your summer.

0:25:090:25:12

I miss not being able to talk to my mum like that.

0:25:140:25:17

I ain't been able to look her in the eye since the...incident.

0:25:170:25:20

SHE CHORTLES

0:25:200:25:22

Watch him. Watch him!

0:25:250:25:28

-Concentrate!

-That wasn't my fault. He was yours!

0:25:280:25:30

Take some responsibility for your actions, soldier.

0:25:300:25:33

PHONE RINGS

0:25:340:25:37

Hello.

0:25:420:25:44

Yeah.

0:25:440:25:45

Jamie?

0:25:550:25:57

Jamie, we're getting killed here, mate.

0:25:570:26:00

J... Jamie?

0:26:000:26:02

FROM VIDEO GAME: Man down! Man down!

0:26:020:26:04

FROM VIDEO GAME: I repeat, man down!

0:26:050:26:08

What were you thinking? You're so irresponsible!

0:26:100:26:13

I'm sorry. I didn't think it was going to...

0:26:130:26:15

You didn't think at all, that's the problem.

0:26:150:26:17

This was supposed to be the best summer of our lives and look what you've done to us.

0:26:170:26:21

-This is what happens when you have sex with a slapper.

-She was NOT a slapper!

0:26:210:26:25

-How many times have I spoke about contraception?

-Never!

0:26:250:26:28

-Did you even use protection?

-Of course I did. I used a condom.

0:26:280:26:31

Yeah, but it really didn't look like you had it on right.

0:26:310:26:35

It's bit awkward, isn't it?

0:27:160:27:17

Laura? >

0:27:170:27:19

Laura? >

0:27:210:27:22

I think you've got the wrong table.

0:27:230:27:25

Sorry.

0:27:320:27:33

Hi.

0:27:350:27:37

How... How old are you?

0:27:430:27:44

16.

0:27:440:27:46

Oh, my God!

0:27:490:27:51

SHE MOANS IN A HIGH-PITCHED WHINE

0:27:510:27:54

MUSIC: "Oxford Comma" by Vampire Weekend

0:27:560:27:58

# Why would you lie about how much coal you have?

0:28:010:28:04

# Why would you lie about something dumb like that?

0:28:040:28:08

# Why would you lie about anything at all?

0:28:080:28:12

# First the window then it's through the wall

0:28:120:28:16

# Lil' Jon he always tells the truth. #

0:28:160:28:20

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:210:28:24

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