Like Narnia But Sexy Pramface

This programme contains some strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.

MUSIC: "Oxford Comma" by Vampire Weekend

# Who give a f... about an Oxford comma?

# I've seen those English dramas too

# They're cruel

# So if there's any other way to spell the word, it's fine

# With me, with me

# Why would you speak... #

BELL RINGS

Time's up. Pens down.

# When I always said that I

# Haven't got the words for you

# All your diction dripping with disdain

# Through the pain I always tell the truth. #

Done and done.

All that remains is the ceremonial tearing up of the exam sheet.

Oh, hi, how did you get on?

Yeah, great! Really enjoyed it.

Hey, what are these questions?

Uh, twelve to fifteen.

Oh! no, no, no, no!

Why did they put them on the back?!

Oh, Mike, it's gone.

Oh, but...

Look, it was physics, so, you know.

You're right.

I'm over it.

I was thinking of doing this residential summer camp for disadvantaged kids.

You're not exactly disadvantaged, Beth

apart from the height thing.

I meant as a volunteer counsellor, idiot.

Look, there's these beautiful cabins in the Lake District

we go for walks, get out there in nature.

I thought it'd be really fun if we did it together,

-you know, get away from people.

-Apart from the little weird kids.

So, you in?

Err, maybe. How weird are the kids?

I don't know, they're orphaned or disabled, or something.

No way, Beth. This is a very important time in a young man's life

it's a time for drinking and chasing women.

Jamie does not want to be wasting his prime on a bunch of loser kids.

Maybe he does,

maybe he wants to do something more worthwhile with his time.

I don't think I'm the sort of person they're looking for.

I don't think I'm ready for responsibility.

Basically making sure they don't fall in a lake.

Hello, Beth. Read the body language.

Exams are over. Life begins!

Life begins.

Look, life's not fair, OK.

These kids have got to learn that.

Oh, look, Frederik's handing out party flyers.

I hate that guy.

His parents are like arms dealers or something.

That party is going to be amazing, though.

We should crash it.

Yes!

Oh, opportunity to lose our virginity together,

this could be it.

He means simultaneously, not with each other.

Although, we could end up with the same woman take an end each.

We'd be like marathon runners holding hands over the finishing line. Yeah!

-No!

-It'd be a great way to celebrate.

-What would?

-Nothing.

We're going to crash Frederik and Sasha's party.

And there may be scenes of a sexual nature, oh yeah,

certificate 18...

..or hopefully 15, at least.

Great. What time are we going?

Oh, actually, it's sort of a boy's only night.

What, like a gay night?

No! No, it's just...

Worried about me cramping your style, you and your wing man?

Beth, it's just you're a mate, it'd be weird with you there.

Oh, I see. Fine.

Wouldn't want to go to a party at a place like that anyway.

What, a big house with a swimming pool?

Yeah, and what paid for that pool? Blood money.

The blood of 1,000 child soldiers caught on the wrong side of a deranged militia.

Oh, hello, little boy.

What's your name?

Bang! Who cares?

-Jesus, Beth!

-Another little future spattered across the wall.

-We're not endorsing genocide, we just want to get laid!

-Tell it to the Hague!

What the hell was that?

Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, can't you see?

She's crazy about me and she senses the ship is sailing.

Off out?

Yeah, Sasha's having drinks, I'm going with Danielle.

That's interesting because I thought you were grounded.

Christ's sake, it was a spliff.

It's not like you found me snorting coke, straddling my pimp.

Oh, very nice, Laura.

I've told Danielle I'm going.

You'll have plenty of time to see Danielle in Edinburgh.

Look, Mum, I appreciate you trying to cram in some parenting,

but really, it's a bit late. I'm 18.

Well, let's make the most of the precious time we have left together.

You are not going out.

You are such a bitch!

Do you want me to tell your father what you just said?

There's no need. He already knows.

Jamie?

How did you get on?

Worse than Beth, probably better than Mike.

All finished. Well done.

Cheers, Mike's coming over, We're heading out to celebrate.

-I've got a little something for you.

-What is it?

The future.

Oh, no, not the toy shop.

They're recruiting, it's a good holiday job.

Do understand what the word 'holiday' means?

You're right.

Tell you what, your Dad and I will sponsor you

to screw around for two months. How's that?

All right, I'll look at it,

but I'm not going to try that hard to get it.

Oh, Christ, what a day.

Never work for anyone, son, if you can avoid it.

So, Laura, I think your father wanted to talk to you about something.

-Did I?

-Yes, you definitely did.

Oh, right, uh, that.

Yes, your mother tells me you're thinking of not going to university.

Since when?

Well we can only assume by your behaviour

that you won't be wanting our financial support.

Oh, I see, you're punishing me, great.

The whole world is one big fucking naughty step for you two, isn't it?

Oh, sorry, shall I go to my room?

Actually, Mum, why don't you chuck me out,

like you did with Dad when he shagged his secretary?

Thank you very much, Laura.

Oh, no problem.

Thank you for convincing me to stay in tonight,

this is much more fun than being with my friends.

You're welcome, this is the kind of evening I just live for.

Much nicer than a civilised meal.

Yeah, well we're not that sort of family, are we?

-What sort would that be?

-The sort that actually likes each other.

-Oh!

-Can you smell that?

Yeah! Are you trying to attract women or incapacitate them?

Uh, bit of both? Hey, check this out.

Is that a piercing?

No, it's one of my Mum's earrings superglued to my second chakra.

I'm going to be unstoppable tonight.

Plus, I've made the ultimate seduction playlist.

This has been specifically designed to put the target

into a sexually receptive state.

The target? Wow, lucky girl.

Listen.

See, starts off all slow and acoustic,

she's thinking, "Yeah, seems like a nice, non-threatening guy."

Really? Not, "Who's the freak who's put the earphones on me?"

No, I'll play it on the stereo. I'm taking a three and a half mil jack.

Oh, well, be sure to mention that

because women love talking about audio equipment.

So, now she's lulled into a false sense of security,

it's time for the sofa transition phase.

So, we're sat there, and the vibe getting all smooth and sexy.

I move in for the kill.

So, anyway, foreplay, foreplay, foreplay...blah, blah, blah,

Ah, yeah, here we go, uh, uh, yeah.

See, really helps with the timing.

Uh, start co-ordinating each thrust. Uh, uh, uh.

Stop doing that on my bed!

Shh.

See, now we start pacing up a little bit all inhibitions are going,

she's tearing off her clothes.

She's all lost now, "Oh, Mike, Mike, you're so amazing!"

"Oh, my God, Mike! Aww, oh!"

And then we get towards, towards the big finish...

"..Aargh!"

Top Gear?! What woman's going to want to listen that?

Who cares?

By that point it's not about her, it's all about me.

'Sasha's party is going to be a generation defining event.

'You have to be there, so just stop being such a fucking Cinderella.'

I'm not a fucking Cinderella. I'm just...

Staying home whilst everyone else goes to the party?

"Oh, I'm grounded, I'm grounded, I'll never meet Prince Charming."

OK, I'm coming. Hang on.

'Good girl.'

POP MUSIC PLAYS

OK.

'Laura, Laura?'

MUSIC AND CHATTER

This better be worth it.

Whoa!

Oh, my God. It's like Narnia...

..but sexy.

I'm fine. The nettles broke my fall.

What's wrong with your face?

What? Is it bad?

Er...no.

Anyway, it's going to be dark in there.

Doesn't it hurt?

Um, not really.

Oh, wait, yeah.

LOUD DANCE MUSIC

OK, so we should circulate, try and meet some people.

No, that's not my game plan.

I'm a man of mystery, an enigma.

I have to let the women come to me, then slightly ignore them

like the horse whisperer.

OK, well, let's at least go and stand by the drinks.

Oh, nice one, yeah, brilliant.

Angle this way.

Put this on.

What's her problem?

She's fine. She just hates her parents.

How original.

I'm going to check out the rest of this house.

Do you want to come with me?

-Yeah.

-Come on.

DANCE MUSIC

Do you think she's all right?

Bit messed up, but, yeah, she's fit.

No, I mean she looks a bit upset.

Oh, right, yeah, vulnerable, like it.

No, it's not what I meant.

What?

I was just wondering, are you OK?

Are you trying to chat me up?

No.

Yes.

What?

Are you saying I'm not pretty?

No, you're very pretty.

I know I am.

I know.

I just wanted to check you were all right.

Oh,

that's quite sweet, actually.

OK.

Um, sorry, I'm not much of a conversationalist.

Well, stop talking, then.

How the hell did he do that?

Hi, my friend over there wanted me to ask you something.

Oh, right.

Yeah, can you move somewhere else

because your face is, kind of, upsetting her?

Yeah.

PHONE VIBRATES

'Hi, Beth.'

Ah, Hef. How's the Playboy Mansion working out for you?

Great, great. It's all very cool here.

'So, why are you calling me?'

Oh, you seemed upset earlier and I wanted to make sure you were OK.

Yeah, it's because nobody's talking to you, isn't it?

Actually, I'm getting a lot of attention.

And Jamie pulled ages ago. Went off with some crazy girl.

Beth?

Yeah, it sounds all right actually. I might come along.

I wouldn't bother. I'm moments away from pulling myself.

-You wouldn't have anyone to talk to.

-Yeah, I'm coming.

Ow! Ow! That's attached, that's attached!

Oh, hey, Beth.

It's winding down in there so I'm just going to shoot off.

Jesus, what's happened to your face? And where's Jamie?

Oh, interesting story this,

I was just with these girls, making a connection and...

You know what we need?

What?

A room.

Uh...

Oh!

SHE GIGGLES

OK, we have to do it now.

OK, well, look, maybe we should slow things down,

we've both had a bit to drink.

Though I see your coordination still fairly intact.

Good.

Don't look, just don't look.

God, that's disgusting.

# My baby don't mess around

# Because she loves me so... #

# Cos I'm...having...a...good... time...with you

# I'm telling you

# I-I-I've had the time of my life

# And I never felt this way before

# And I swear, yes, it's true

# And I owe it all to you

# I-I-I've had the time of my life

# And I never felt this way before

# And I swear this is true

# And I owe it all to you

# I-I-I've had the time of my life

# And I never felt this way before

# And I swear this is true

# And I owe it all to you

# I-I-I've had the time of my life

# And I never felt this way before

# And I swear this is true

# And I owe it all to you. #

SEXUAL GROANS

SEXUAL GROANS CONTINUE

HE GRUNTS

THEY GROAN CLIMACTICALLY

-Oh!

-Michael? I've done you a sandwich. >

Mum!

MUSIC: "Top Gear Theme"

PHONE RINGS

'Jamie, where are you?'

I'm still here, with Laura. The girl from last night. We did it.

-Holy crap, really?

-'Yeah.'

It was AMAZING. How was your night?

Rather not discuss it.

'Is she still asleep?

'Jamie?

'Jamie?'

-'Jamie!'

-Yeah?

-'Is she dressed?'

-Not really.

-Can you text me a photo?

-No!

'I'm just going to make her a coffee or something.'

I'd just leg it if I were you, mate.

-Why?

-'What if she's weirded out about sleeping with a 16-year-old?'

-That's statutory rape.

-It's not statutory rape! It was,

you know...special.

Gay! Jamie, she was pissed and she's way out of your league.

I don't know. I think she liked me.

-She also seemed to like staggering into furniture and screaming her head off.

-Yeah, but...

OK, OK.

I think the classy thing to do would be to write her a thank you note.

-Well, I can't just leave.

-Trust me. It's the gentlemanly approach.

'That way, if she wants to get in touch, she can.'

I suppose.

Either way, you'll always have that night so text me a quick photo...

Laura, darling, it's arrived.

Go on.

Well?

A's, all A's.

Oh, that's marvellous. That's better than your cousin Gabby.

Not that it's all about that, but I must tell your Aunty Louise.

You all right?

Yeah, just relieved, I suppose.

As if there was any doubt. We knew you'd never let us down.

We're very proud of you, darling.

OK. We'll I'm going to go and phone Danielle.

Well done. I...

How long's it been?

Two minutes.

Positive.

SHE GROANS

OK, so are you going to call him?

They're not 100% accurate.

This is the third one - from this brand.

Clear And True, Ovi-test, they all agree, you are pregnant.

-This one even thinks it's twins.

-Oh, God!

I know. Men can be such bastards.

Actually, no, he seemed quite nice from what I remember.

But he didn't exactly stick around to chat, did he?

He probably won't want to know. I mean, I wouldn't.

-Are you sure you want to tell him?

-I don't know.

But he got me into this mess. Why should he...?

Give me the number.

OK.

OK...you dial.

Hi.

There's no easy way to say this but we met a few weeks ago

and we slept together and I'm pregnant.

Please say something.

'Hello?'

Is that a seven or a nine?

Oh!

You guys want these?

-Cheers, Mum.

-Thanks.

So, what are you lot up to today?

Liberating Baghdad.

Oh, good. So long as you're not wasting your summer.

I miss not being able to talk to my mum like that.

I ain't been able to look her in the eye since the...incident.

SHE CHORTLES

Watch him. Watch him!

-Concentrate!

-That wasn't my fault. He was yours!

Take some responsibility for your actions, soldier.

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

Yeah.

Jamie?

Jamie, we're getting killed here, mate.

J... Jamie?

FROM VIDEO GAME: Man down! Man down!

FROM VIDEO GAME: I repeat, man down!

What were you thinking? You're so irresponsible!

I'm sorry. I didn't think it was going to...

You didn't think at all, that's the problem.

This was supposed to be the best summer of our lives and look what you've done to us.

-This is what happens when you have sex with a slapper.

-She was NOT a slapper!

-How many times have I spoke about contraception?

-Never!

-Did you even use protection?

-Of course I did. I used a condom.

Yeah, but it really didn't look like you had it on right.

It's bit awkward, isn't it?

Laura? >

Laura? >

I think you've got the wrong table.

Sorry.

Hi.

How... How old are you?

16.

Oh, my God!

SHE MOANS IN A HIGH-PITCHED WHINE

MUSIC: "Oxford Comma" by Vampire Weekend

# Why would you lie about how much coal you have?

# Why would you lie about something dumb like that?

# Why would you lie about anything at all?

# First the window then it's through the wall

# Lil' Jon he always tells the truth. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd